Episode 95

Episode 95 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster


Sleep Deprivation 977
Bottled Water 511
Twitter 461
Bumper Stickers 16
See All the Problems...

Stock up on your bags of sand and prepare for an informational flood of biblical proportions. Who shot JR? What’s Kramer’s real name? Fuller House sucks, right? These burning questions of our pop cultural era mean dog shit compared to the bombshell that is dropped at the end of this episode of the Biggest Problem in the Universe. And I mean the very end. You have to listen to the entire episode. But first…

Special thanks to Harry’s for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry’s website and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase.

In this episode, we receive gifts in the form of brownies and cookies and, as per my request, fan Daniel Heggie immortalizes one of my epic rants in an experimental form of jazz hands that he calls “Australian Sign Language”. Take a look at it below, and make sure you tell Daniel how boss his hair looks even if you don’t really think so.

I start the episode with Bumper Stickers. Imagine everything you would never ever say in polite conversation: how many kids you have; who you support for president; preachy, virtue-signaling platitudes; the N-word. Well, with a bumper sticker, you can say all of that and more for low, low price of your dignity. Bumper stickers are the presumptuous Alamo of our modern age. Did you forget what a tremendous prick I am? Don’t worry, I taped it on my shit-mobile. Remember my bumper sticker.

Maddox brings in Bottled Water. Sure, estrogen-leaching, masculinity-eradicating BPA chemicals are bad and everyone agrees that the idea of water being more expensive than gasoline is farcical and inhumane, but what’s the alternative? Drinking out of the toilet? Gross. According to Maddox, Pepsi has declared war on free tap water. Maybe they should declare war on medicine-y aftertaste because Pepsi sucks.

I bring in Sleep Deprivation. Not only can it make you fat, stupid, depressed, ugly, and dead, but it can also make you fall asleep while you’re trying to eat a girl out. I can’t speak from personal experience because I don’t do that sort of thing, but I heard about it from a guy.

Maddox ends the episode with Twitter. What is there to say about an industrialized social media juggernaut that connects millions of people across the world and sublimates consumer media into an interactive experience unifying technology and communication in a single hive consciousness? How about, there aren’t enough characters. If you agree, #voteitup #YOLO #blessed #Trump2016

And don’t forget to check out this month’s bonus episode for $1.33

And here’s the podcast for our SoundCloud listeners:

WebMD – 10 Things to Hate About Sleep Loss.
CDC – Insufficient Sleep is a Public Health Problem.
PCMag – 44% of Twitter accounts have never sent a tweet.
TechCrunch – Twitter is hiring anti-bullying advocates.
BusinessInsider – 48% of all bottled water comes from a tap, plus Pepsi wants to end tap water.

Thumbnail Sources:
Tumbleweed, Desert Background, Bricks.

Uninformed Opinions

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