|See All the Solutions...|
Do you like apples? “Not if they’re mealy as fuck!” Is what the guy should have told Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting.
Pack up your pectin and get ready for an event more exciting than the Super Bowl, OJ Simpson’s car chase, and STD test results on your voicemail when you have 1% battery left, all rolled into one. A contest so thrilling that you will literally explode in the first five seconds of listening. A contest so important, it’s worth buying at $1.99 by using either Paypal or Bitcoin and the links above. Of course I’m talking about the Biggest Problem Apple Taste Test-Off. We’ve teased it for months, but it’s finally here. Over a course of eight grueling apples, Maddox, Sean, and I put our egos and our tongues on the line in a completely scientific contest of skilled tastemanship to see which variety of apple is “pretty good” and which is “mealy as fuck”.
The results will blow your dick off.
Note: The season pass is on hold while we work on a new model. Episodes will be released individually for now, but any new pass we work on will have either a discount for the season or extra episodes or both.
Then, in a shocking move from apples to Apple, Maddox brings in iTunes as a solution. I think his reasons are about as genuine as Coldplay playing Steve Jobs’ funeral concert, but you’re the ones with the votes.
I bring in the end-all be-all of solutions: fire. From hunger to horses, from Utah to Neil deGrasse Tyson, I challenge anyone to find a problem on our list that isn’t solved by fire. In fact, the only problem that cannot be solved by fire is the problem of not owning this bonus episode, which can be solved by clicking the purchase link above and spending $1.99.
Maddox talks about computer programming and includes a never-before-heard story of how he got both suspended in high school and terrorized the football team, a true Revenge of the Nerds prequel if I’ve ever heard one. Here is more information about the importance of coding.
Finally, I bring in modern man’s greatest solution to date. It has a hole, it frees up your hands, and we use it every day. No I’m not talking about a Fleshlight. I’m talking about cup holders.
Bon Appetit – The history of the cup holder.
Armchair Psychology – Now with cup holders!
Wikipedia – The Wikipedia entry on what is a fire.
Quartz – I hate iTunes and I think Apple does too.
The Guardian – Why kids should be taught how to code.