Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 106

Transcriptions courtesy of: Megan Pennock and Laurie Foster, cobbled together for this episode by Laurie Foster.

Today’s show is brought to you by our own bonus episode.

(Biggest Solution theme riff starts)

Maddox: “Rude people. That’s the biggest solution in the universe. It’s me. You’re welcome, buddy.

Maddox:   If more people drove like me, there’d be no traffic.

Dick: Yeah, ‘cause everyone would be dead. (they laugh)”


Maddox: “Hey, I’m takin’ a hit for the party! I’m not hungry sometimes, I just walk up and start eating because no one else is doing it! I wanna get the party started! Let’s go! The first person to dance is the best person at the party. I mean, if you like to dance, which I don’t, which is stupid as shit. (Dick guffaws) But…at least…at least someone’s doing it!!

Dick: At least someone’s…is that how you…is that what you do?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: At least someone’s doing it! I’m out here dancing by myself!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Trying to get things started!

Maddox: I’ve done it before! I fucking hate dancing, but I get up on the dance floor…(Dick laughs) ‘cause, like, this fucking dipshit wedding I’m at, no one’s dancing, ‘cause they fucking plan it shitty! They..they invited a bunch of shitty, coward guests who aren’t dancing! I’ll fucking get up there! I’ll dance! Great! Here’s your stupid fucking song! Here’s my stupid dance! (Dick laughs)

Dick: There’s Maddox…(laughing) out there by himself before the bride and the groom have their first dance! (Maddox laughs) ‘Cause he doesn’t understand wedding protocol!!! Dancing some weird Middle Eastern dance…(they all crack up) Screaming at the band to play!!! And that they’re all cowards!!! (they laugh)


Now available at the

(Biggest Problem Theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Man Buns to Reruns! (Sean laughs) With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Sean.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Our audio engineer. Uh, welcome back, guys. This is the second “Best Of” episode. I think people REALLY liked the first one. I got a lot of positive feedback. It flowed really well. And I think the problems dovetailed together pretty nicely. It was…the theme was douchebags. All the different kinds of douchebags. Last time. Uh, but this time…all new set of problems. We’ll be back to LIVE episodes starting next week. And again, uh, Sean, one of the best compliments I received about those “Best Of” episodes is someone in the forums was asking which show they should use to introduce their friends to the Biggest Problem. And someone recommended the “Best Of” episodes. Huge compliment!

Sean: Yeah, that’s great.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: That’s what they’re for.

Maddox: That’s what it’s for. Well, without further ado, here’s another one. Enjoy.

(Voice mail: Weird Matthew McConaughey: “Hey, Dick Masterson. (Maddox giggles) You must have a lot of dicks in your mouth, because you sound like the biggest pussy in the universe. (Maddox cracks up) Um…

Dick: Um, it’s still playing.

“I dunno, I just…I think you’re a pussy because you didn’t want to, you know…defend…you know. Freedom of speech. (they laugh)

Dick: Yeah, that’s what I’m against!!! (laughing)

“….(inaudible)…a bunch of pussies, um…”

Dick: A guy who’s been banned from the Internet.

“…maybe you should go back to France or wherever your pussy ass is from.” (they laugh)

Dick: Go back to France, did you hear that?!

“Um…Maddox, you’re the best. Peace.”)

Dick: So are we not supposed to make fun of that guy’s voice? We’re supposed to respond to his criticisms of me being the biggest pussy in the universe?

Maddox: Yeah. That’s a good point. That’s exactly what I was getting at, Dick.

Dick: 'Cause his voice was kinda funny.

Maddox: His voice was hilarious! (Dick laughs) He sounds like he's asleep or on, uh,, what is he, uh...what's the tranquilizer...?

Dick: Methadone?

Maddox: Methadone? Is that...?

Dick: It's one of them.

Maddox: Oxy--

Dick: (interjects) What do you want, how high do you wanna get?

Maddox: Oxycontin?

Dick: Tell me that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What kinda high are you lookin' for? Oxycontin?

Maddox: Like that kinda high.

Dick: Yeah, Vicodin?

Maddox: He sounds like a Benadryl high, maybe?

Dick: Benadryl? Okay.

Maddox: Vicodin? Yeah! Yeah. I could make fun of that guy's voice for the rest of this episode!

Dick: Yeah, I think you, you focus a lot on, uh...on, you know, stats and shit like that though. You do like your stats.

Maddox: Yeah! (chuckling) It's, it''s the only, LITERALLY the only evidence that we have to back up our points. (Dick laughs) And the guy -- some guy was backing up your argument last time too. He was like -

Dick: (interjects) What argument?

Maddox: EXACTLY! (laughs) Exactly! He was sayin'... (giggling) He was sayin', "Well, Maddox, rely too much on stats where people can doctor information and..." (stupid voice)

Dick: Yeah, it's true!

Maddox: "...uh, come to any conclusion they want!" Yeah Dick, but guess what? If you discredit ALL studies, then we have nothing!! Progress stops! (yelling) We're just gonna go back to fucking living in caves!! (Dick laughs) Like MONKEYS! (roaring) (Sean laughs in the background) VOTE UP MONKEYS! ( monkeys whooping sound effect)

Dick: You are so passionate about...studies. (grinning) (Maddox and Sean laugh) And horseshit.

Maddox: Yeah Dick, I just -- you know, I just wanna end on this quote. Look, you know -

Dick: (interjects) You tried, Scott, but you f-...uh, sorry.

Maddox: What?

Dick: I was gonna say, he didn't put enough things -- you didn't get the evidence in there that you needed to.

Maddox: What, Scott? Yeah.

Dick: He almost made it. Yeah.

Maddox: Well, he made an effort. He made -- he gave it a good college try.

Dick: What could he have had in there?

Maddox: I'll tell you!

Dick: Those three things? Okay.

Maddox: See, this is why I feel like I'm the...I can debate myself. And it comes down to -

Dick: (interjects) Everyone wishes you just WOULD debate yourself. (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing)

Maddox:  Listen to this, Dick: um, know on Facebook they have the section for quotes and whatever?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I don't...I fucking hate quotes most of the time. I keep a handful of 'em around 'cause some of 'em are good. This is one quote I happen to really really like, and I like to think about it *all* the time. It's from Aristotle: it says, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I wish more of our listeners would FUCKING do that every now and then.

Dick: Oh, I think our listeners are pretty sharp. (Maddox scoffs and laughs) They're funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're really funny.

Maddox: Oh, they're funny. (sardonic)

Dick: You gotta be smart to be funny. I think that's true.

Maddox: Yeah, I'm not sure that...some of 'em -

Dick: (interjects) You gotta be able to hold it all in your head to make a joke. To see the whole...the whole tapestry of life and to point out something that's unique and interesting.

Maddox: Yeah, I'll give you that. We got some...we got some smart and funny listeners.

Dick: Ohh, yeah.

Maddox: Some real dumb shits too, though.

Dick: Well... (unsure)

Maddox: Real...real morons. Real apes. (Sean smirks) Real numbnuts. (Dick and Sean laugh) Real dullards.

Dick: You done?

Maddox: A couple knuckle draggers. (Sean laughs)

Dick: So you're asking people to vote against *themselves* in this problem?

Maddox: Mouth-breathing...

Dick: Is that what you're... (breaks down laughing)

Maddox: ...dumb shit, Neanderthal Luddites. (Sean laughs) Fucking toolbags. (Sean laughs again) They're tool FACTORIES, that's what they are.

Dick: Oh, god. (chuckling)

Maddox: The entire factory of TOOLS. (Sean guffaws) That's what our listeners are. (Dick cracks up) A big fucking Costco of tools.

Dick: Oho, man.

Maddox: Just tools falling off the shelves. (cracks up) All tripping over your tools -- they're tripping over themselves!

Dick: Wow! Hey wait, I got some more…do you mind if I play some celebrity voice mails?

Maddox: Great.

Dick: I got a couple more.

Maddox: Oh yeah, yeah! Let's hear it. Yeah.

(Voice mail: "Hey Maddox, this is Jesse Ventura. I heard last week on your million downloads jerkoff session that you were impressed that you had celebrity listeners, and I just wanted to say that I don't think that Zooey Deschanel one was real. I think it was the government. Or possibly clones. (Maddox: Ugh. Right?) Them cocksuckers in Area 51 (Sean laughs) can do just about anything. (Dick: Clones.) (Maddox: Yeah)Anyway. Dick, go fuck yourself, okay? Jesse Ventura. Definitely the weird one.)

Maddox: What was his…who?

Dick: Jesse Ventura? Jesse “The Mind” Ventura?

Maddox: Oh, Jesse Ventura. Oh…yeah! Of course it's Jesse Ventura. You know, Dick, that was a funny celebrity voice mail. Um, I've gotten, in the last, I'd say, two days, maybe just a half dozen emails from people, all for various topics, various subjects, either praising the show or commenting or sending in problem suggestions, etc, etc. And invariably they're all addressed to me, and invariably, at the end, they all sign off with "P.S.: Dick's an idiot." Or "P.S.: Dick's an asshole."

Dick: Oh. (dejected)

Maddox: (laughs) It just seems like a common sign-off. And he did it in that voice mail too.

Dick: Well here's another voice mail.

Maddox: Great.

(Voice mail: "Hello. Dick, go fuck yourself.") (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: That's pretty much it. (laughs) Here's a guy you know. A celebrity friend of yours.

(Voice mail: (terrible Irish accent) "Top o' the morning to you. This be Bono."(Maddox: Ohhh, great! (laughing)

Dick: (laughing) This BE Bono!!! There's more. (grinning)

Maddox: That's spot on.

(Voice mail: (terrible Irish pirate accent) "(inaudible while they talk over it)…with your flash photography…and now me Irish eyes ain't smiling. Oh, fiddle dee dee…(sings)…I can't even seem to pour me a bowl of charms (inaudible while they laugh over it) Sinead O'Connor cover band. At least I can still listen to The Biggest Problem In The Universe, though. (Dick: Good shout out.) Love the show. Keep trying, Dicky. Bono out.") (Maddox giggles)

Sean: Hey, he got his, though, didn't he?

Dick: What did he do?

Maddox: What?

Dick: What do you mean?

Sean: He was riding his bike, another problem, right? He fucked himself up good in Central Park.

Dick: Oh he did?

Sean: Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, read the news story.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Yeah. I saw the headlines, but I didn't click on it.

Sean: I thought you'd take joy in that, but…

Maddox: Alright, let's get to the problems.

Dick: My problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is Hoverboard Hoaxes.

Maddox: Ha haha!!! Good!!

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Yes. Good! I know what you’re talking about, and I want to hear this.

Dick: You know what I’m talking about.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause Lexus just released this campaign.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: About how they’ve invented a hoverboard.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (annoyed)

Dick: It’s not a fucking hoverboard.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It’s not a hoverboard. It’s not a hoverboard!

Maddox: No.

Dick: I don’t care that it floats.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And that you call it a hoverboard. It’s not a hoverboard.

Maddox: It’s not.

Dick: It’s a superconducting magnetic platform.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That rides around on a WEIRD rail!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And has skateboarding celebrities embarrass themselves on it, ‘cause it’s not a fucking hoverboard.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It has none of the fun of a hoverboard.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It has none of the…magical technology of a hoverboard.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: It’s not a fucking hoverboard.

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: You can put tits on it and call it a supermodel. That doesn’t make it a supermodel.

Maddox: That’s a fucking fact.

Dick: Yeah. Well, you know…this bothers you too. Because I think…I think the worst…the worst, most wicked type of falsehood is the perpetration of a hoverboard hoax!

Maddox: Hmmm.

Dick: ‘Cause we want it SO bad. There is nothing…there is nothing that we want more than a real hoverboard.

Maddox: Ooh. (unsure)

Dick: So bad that we’re willing to believe the STUPIDEST fabrications of our lives. Do you remember when Back to the Future II came out?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What…do you remember the myth regarding…

Maddox: (interjects) The hover…we wanted the hoverboard.

Dick: …the hoverboard. That it was real.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That people said it was REAL, and for…because Sean and I were talking about this in the car on the way over. That we both heard this same LIE independently, that a group of angry mothers is what was preventing the real, actual, hoverboard from being released.

Maddox: Ohhh, oh, yeah I remember that!!

Dick: Did you hear that?!

Maddox: Yeah, I remember that!

Dick: Yeah! Yeah.

Maddox: Growing up. And I was pissed off. I think I read sounded like something I would read on the back of a Garbage Pail Kids card. (Dick guffaws) You know, like…(stammers) these mean moms and teachers just get…

Dick: (interjects) All these fucking moms!!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Always fucking up our good times!! (Maddox laughs) When we’re kids! Goddamn it!!

Maddox: Yeah. ‘Cause they don’t want us to fall. Again, death! Death is the reason they don’t want us to have hoverboards!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But…man, I remem…when I saw this video, Dick, this weekend..when Lexus released this…by the way, they didn’t invent it! They just…they came along and they bought the rights to market this thing that somebody had, right? This p…

Dick: (interjects) It’s just a fucking super…it’s just a (stammers)

Maddox: Superconductor!

Dick: Superconductor. It’s just a magnet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That’s why it’s leaking, um, vapor all the time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause it’s full of…what? Jesus Christ. I can’t remember anything.

Maddox: Liquid nitrogen.

Dick: Liquid nitrogen!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they have big tanks of liquid nitrogen right next to it, and the QUOTE UNQUOTE “skate park” that it’s operating on is full of metal rails.

Maddox: Right!

Dick: Some fucking exciting hoverboard you got here!

Maddox: Wow! You can hover anywhere you want on a skate park built for this hoverboard!

Dick: Yeah, just…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, cool. (sarcastic)

Dick: …wear a slippery t-shirt and let your friends spin you around on an air hockey table!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That’s what you’re doing!

Maddox: Yeah. You know what? You know what? Ice skates…you need to use them at an ice skating rink, don’t you? You don’t just say, “Hey man, I invented ice skates!”

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: “Oh, really? Can I use it on the sidewalk?” “No, you have to go to a specific place that built…”

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: “Was specifically for this thing that you put on your feet! You can’t use it anywhere else.”

Dick: Yeah! I built…I invented a jet pack! WHAT?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: “How does that work?” “Oh, it’s really cool. You go to the bottom of this cliff, and then I drop this rope down…(Maddox laughs) …and you climb up it.” How the fuck is that a jet pack?!

Maddox: Yeah, exactly. (laughing) And then that other jet pack thing. By the way, Dick, the thing I want more than a hoverboard BY FAR is a jet pack. I have so many heists in my mind, planned…(Dick guffaws) the SECOND jet packs come out, I’m gonna fucking steal everything!

Dick: Let’s go through the heists…

Maddox: So…(laughing)

Dick: What are the heists?

Maddox: I…I’m not gonna say this one, ‘cause it legit might happen.

Dick: (laughs) because a masked jet pack man…wait a minute. First of all, what about the actual jet pack that exists?

Maddox: Noooo.

Dick: That guy…

Maddox: The Disneyland one?

Dick: No, no, no. (giggles) What?

Maddox: The one from, like, Tomorrowland and the 60s…they did a promo thing for Disney…

Dick: (interjects) The Rocketeer?

Maddox: Yeah, the Rocket…

Dick: (interjects) Or do you mean an actual jet pack?

Maddox: No, they had a jet pack, yeah. At Disneyland.

Dick: I didn’t know that.

Maddox: Yeah. Tomorrowland. It’s like, the black and white footage of a guy using a jet pack and everyone’s…

Dick: Using a jet pack for real?

Maddox: Yeah, it’s a jet pack.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: My dick’s been wet ever since I saw that thing.

Dick: Not hard, but wet?!

Maddox: Hard and wet. (they crack up)

Sean: I was so confused right there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This guy’s dick gets wet.

Maddox: (interjects) Sean, do you want…

Dick: (interjects) It starts sweating, it’s so hard!

Maddox: He’s got that look in his eyes like he wants to see it. Sean, do you want to see it?

Sean: No!!!

Dick: You don’t wanna…no, the jet pack. Not his dick. (Maddox chuckles)

Sean: The jet pack? Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Show me the jet pack.

Dick: Well, yeah. I gotta see this now, too. No, I’m talking about…

Sean: (interjects) That’s not a euphemism. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Yeah, what…

Dick: I’m talking about the real jetpack that, like, is sponsored by Red Bull. The jet man?

Maddox: The water thing that…

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. That’s awesome too. I love…

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: I think that’s a real water jet pack.

Maddox: (sighs) Yeah.

Dick: Like, I really wanna ride one.

Maddox: Sure. I do too, but it’s not a jet pack in the sense that we’re thinking.

Dick: I’m saying the REAL jetpack. Where it’s a guy who has those…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, yeah!

Dick: Yeah. He has those two giant jets on his…

Maddox: (interjects) Fan. Fans. Yeah.

Dick: I don’t…no, they’re jets!

Maddox: For real?

Dick: He’s flying…like, he gets dropped out of a…bro.

Maddox: Bro. (laughing)

Dick: You wanna talk jets or fans, here? Are we talking jets, or fans?

Maddox: Jets.

Dick: We’re talking jets.

Maddox: Jets.

Dick: This guy has two mini jet packs on his back and little wings, and he’s flying around…

Maddox: Eeeeeeeeeh, it’s a plane. If you got wings, it’s a plane. A jet pack is just a pack, and that’s it.

Dick: (sighs loudly) Okay.

Maddox: Like the Tomorrowland. Look it up. It’s…

Dick: (interjects) Like that girl that you jerked off to first.

Maddox: Yes, Mary. Oh, my Gosh, Mary, so hot!

Dick: Yeah.   Huh.

Maddox: So, yeah man.

Dick: Alright, that’s a good point. It is a plane.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It’s a miniature plane.

Maddox: Okay, you wanna hear my heist idea?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: For a jet pack? Okay. I’m kinda sad saying this right now on the air, ‘cause now that I say it, I’m never gonna do it.

Dick: (scoffs) I mean, you can still do it. You have a jet pack. What are they gonna do?

Maddox: No, because they’ll patch the security hole. (Dick laughs) Okay?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Have you ever been to the Tower of London?

Dick: Uh, no.

Maddox: I…I…

Dick: (interjects) But the line was too long. I went and the line was, like, two and a half hours.

Maddox: Ohohoho!!!

Dick: I…Sean! I went with you!!

Maddox: Hah.

Dick: Yeah. And we said, “Fuck this.”

Maddox: Bro!!

Dick: The girl we were…yeah, go ahead.

Maddox: Forget about lines, okay? (Dick guffaws) I…(Maddox laughs) I found the best way. And this is how I found the loophole to steal the Crown Jewels. (Dick laughs) Yeah.

Dick: Stop it!! No, stop it!! (dying of laughter)

Maddox: (laughing) It’s the easiest thing to steal in the world!

Sean: It’s like a Pink Panther villain!! (Dick squeaks from laughing too hard)

Dick: Yeah. (guffaws) (Maddox cracks up) That’s the stupidest thing to steal!!!

Maddox: No!!

Dick: You could never resell it…you could never resell the Crown Jewels!! (cracks up)

Maddox: You could do SOMETHING with it!!!

Dick: You could just wear it around!! That’s why you want it!!

Maddox: Bullshit!!! (they crack up)

Dick: This is the stupidest plan!!!

Maddox: It’s not a stupid pla….well, you haven’t even fucking heard the plan, dickhead! You got no respect!!!

Dick: Go ahead!!

(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)

Dick: What’s the plan? (cracks up)

Maddox: Asshole!!! Don’t you at least wanna hear my plan…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I do!! (crying and laughing)

Maddox: …to steal the Crown Jewels?!

Dick: Yes, I do! I really do!

Maddox: Great! Because, first of all, dickhead…I’ll…you show…you give me some Crown Jewels, and I’ll find a Russian who wants to buy it! I guarantee I’ll find a Russian oligarch by tomorrow lunchtime that wants to buy the Crown Jewels!! Guaran-fucking-teed!!

Dick: Okay. (laughing)

Maddox: I’ll make MILLIONS off those Crown Jewels!! Millions!! (Dick guffaws loudly)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Russian oligarchs love that shit! They love all sorts of, like, kitschy shit.

Dick: Kitschy like the Crown Jewels. (they crack up) Maddox’s Kitsch Emporium.

Maddox: (interjects) You’re talking…

Dick: We got those Cupid dolls…we got a cat poster…and the crown…the most famous jewelry in the history of man. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: There’s a spare grail around here somewhere.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, look, man. If you steal the Mona Lisa, there’s only one customer for it, and those are fucking Russian oligarchs, or maybe some Saudi princes! That’s it! Those are the only people who are buying it!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay? So I’ll find a customer. Not a problem. Or maybe I’ll just fucking wear it, ‘cause I have a whole closet full of crowns at home!! I wear crowns all the time!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You’re talking to a guy who wears crowns.

Dick: Do you have a real crown?

Maddox: I have metal crowns…but they’re not that…they’re not the Crown Jewels. I’ll just say that. They’re not the crown…

Dick: I wish you had a real…like, real, custom-made one, you know?

Maddox: Yeah! Well…that’s why I got my eye on the Crown Jewels, buddy. (Dick guffaws) Kay. So, I went to the Tower of London, right?

Dick: Okay. (grins)

Maddox: Walked right in! Just WALKED right in!! (Dick giggles) LINES?! PFFFFFF!! Whatever! Okay. So I’m in there.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And there’s only…you know, there’s like, some cool torture shit to see.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then there are a bunch of, like, fucking placards to read. And you’re walking around, bored to tears. And then you’re looking for some food, and all the food sucks there. So you’re just…you’re stuck drinking fucking…uh, flat Pepsi, looking for food and board! And the only thing worth seeing is the…

Dick: (interjects) Pepsi is a great problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Go ahead, sorry.

Maddox: We’ll bring in Pepsi sometime.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But you’re looking around to see if there’s anything to do in the Tower of London. Yeah, it’s cool, whatever. But it’s not like a huge event unless you go to the Crown Jewel room.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And the Crown Jewel room, the line is just WINDING, and it snakes around, and there’s portraits, and all sorts of just, you know, cool shit to see in there, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And the…the…Crown Jewel of the event is the Crown Jewel room!!

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Right? (giggles)

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: You walk in, and they have all the different crowns, and jewels…(giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:...for the uh, the…

Dick: (interjects) The monarchs.

Maddox: The monarchy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. The monarchy, right?

Dick: They were the gifts from other dignitaries throughout history.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Stuff like that.

Maddox: So here’s how I went into that room. And honestly, it was a mistake, but I found a huge loophole in their security. I walked in through the exit. I just walked right in through the exit…

Dick: Okay. (giggles)

Maddox: Security guard looks at me, tips his hat, and I just kinda, like, look at him back, and I said, “Okay, I guess I’m in here.” And I walk in, like an asshole, looking at all the crowns…you know, the crowns in there. And they’re all…the security for this place is atrocious. It’s the…the crowns. These priceless things.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Are sitting there behind Plexiglass.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: That’s it! It’s just, like, a little thin layer of Plexiglass. Bro, there’s more security between you and I right now!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My laptop screen is thicker than the screens on these Crown Jewels!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So I thought…and then I walk outside after I’m…I get my fill in, like, 5 minutes. I’m done.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So I walk outside and I see…the wall to the Tower of London. It’s like, I don’t know. Maybe 15, 20 feet high?

Dick: Okay. Oh, okay.

Maddox: And I thought, if I just pogoed right over that wall, or I had a jetpack…(Dick cracks up) I could run in there, grab the fucking Crown Jewels, knock over the tubby security guard, who…(stammers) he seems like a nice guy, but he’s just one dude. The beefeaters?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The beefeaters. That’s what they call their security guards. The beefeaters.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What…whatever. They’re guarding the Crown Jewels? Please. Beefeaters? Forget it. I’m the real beefeater, buddy.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: So…you just run in there, make a grab for the Crown Jewels, hop over the wall, you’re done. You hop on a motorcycle, you go over the London Bridge, fucking d…you’re in paradise for the rest of your life.

Dick: Maddox, I really think that their security would stop you!

Maddox: You think so?!!? There’s just one guy!!

Dick: Yes!

Maddox: He didn’t even have a fucking gun!

Dick: I bet the security that they have is the kind of security that you don’t see.

Maddox: Nope!

Dick: Like, with…no. Like, with cameras.

Maddox: Nope!

Dick: Eye in the sky…they’ve probably got, you know, a bunch of hidden beefeaters around. How far do you have to go from the point of the Crown Jewels to get out of the…Tower of London area?

Maddox: Dick…

Dick: You know what I’m saying?

Maddox: It…it’s like 20 feet. You run 20 feet to the wall…hop over that wall, and you fucking hop on a motorcycle, you’re gone! They don’t even have time to react, you’re gone so fast. I’m not even shitting you, dude, banks have better security. The White House has better security. And people penetrate the White House all the time! There’s that crazy dude with the Pokemon who jumped the fence and then ran towards…he got, like, to the front door of the White House. And the White House…

Sean: Yeah, and that’s when the fucking dogs got him.

Maddox: Well, yeah. And he kicked him. He kicked the dog.

Dick: Yeah, but what if he had a jet pack? (guffaws)

Sean: Wait, doesn’t London have the most cameras of any other city?

Dick: Yes. Yes!

Maddox: Oh!!! CCTV, please!! I pissed right in front of a CCTV camera. RIGTH in front of one!!

Sean: They’re probably used to that!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. I don’t think you’re gonna get away with this.

Maddox: Anyway. Well, not now, ‘cause they’re gonna beef up their security!! (Dick laughs) ‘Cause they listen to this podcast, I bet!

Dick: Oh, man. Do you think we know anybody who works security over there? Like, any kind of London cop or anything, you could say…

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: Somebody…if it’s as easy as you’re making it out to be, someone will have tried this.

Maddox: Dick, I’m telling you…nothing easier! I…I plan heists all the time in my mind…

Dick: I know you do! They’re great.

Maddox: Just to see if I can…you know. Yeah! Just to see if I can, you know?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Just, like, trying to poke holes in security, which I see ALL the time. Oh, my gosh. There’s this bank that I go to sometimes…the WORST security. There’s a HUGE, HUGE hole in their security.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I’ll tell you after the episode.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But yeah, man.

Dick: You missed your calling.

Maddox: Being a…bank robber?

Dick: Oh, I was gonna say “being an inmate”. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: What a dick.

Dick: Anyway, uh, this is a superconductor. Not a hoverboard.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When you…when you cool certain materials to an extremely low temperature, in this case, -197 C, they become superconductive. If you position them near a magnet during that cooling process, they oust the magnetic field and effectively remember their position relative to the magnet. There’s a video that Lexus just posted. That’s why I’m so pissed off about this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where it shows these skateboarders trying to use the “hoverboard”? And it’s…it’s embarrassing. It’s like watching a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond. Like, they stumble around…(Maddox laughs) They jump on it…they jump off as it approaches new things…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In terror, because they know they’re gonna break their wrists if they stay on.

Maddox: Right. There’s no friction on this thing.

Dick: There’s no fun to it, either.

Maddox: No.

Dick: There’s no fun on it.

Maddox: Would you call two magnets that are just levitating on top of each other, would you call that a hoverboard?

Dick: No, I wouldn’t.

Maddox: No. No.

Dick: No.

Maddox: That’s ‘cause it’s just magnets, idiot.

Dick: Needs more power.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It’s not a hoverboard unless you can go someplace that wasn’t specifically designed for your hoverboard. Your QUOTE hover…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Let’s not even call it “hoverboard”.

Dick: Just like a flying car is not a flying car if it’s a shitty airplane that can fold its wings up on top of the car!

Maddox: Yeah. Exactly.

Dick: Then it’s a fucking airplane.

Maddox: Yep!!

Dick: Like…

Maddox: (interjects) Fuck…right. Amen! That’s the…that’s a great fucking example, ‘cause I’m so tired of flying cars and people, “Oh, it’s a flying car!” No, it’s not!

Dick: No.

Maddox: ‘Cause you could call an airplane a flying car, too, then, can’t you, dipshit? ‘Cause airplanes have wheels!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There…and airplane’s not a car!! It’s a plane. ‘Cause it has wings. If it has WINGS, it’s a plane. It’s a plane.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah. I’m on board with that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We’ve defined a box. (Maddox laughs) And a flying car..(giggles) and now a…do you remember when hover…when Funny or Die did that…uh…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That troll video, I guess you’d call it?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where they got Tony Hawk and Christopher Lloyd.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: To come out and act like they’d actually invented a hoverboard?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was angry even when that came out. ‘Cause I’m, like, “Yeah, fuck you guys!”

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you know what you’re doing! It’s not funny! What you’re doing is not funny!!

Maddox: Well, I guess that was “Or Die”. Um, you know what was the best thing about that video, though, Dick? The way that it was outed. You remember what happened? Do you know what happened?

Dick: No. No.

Maddox: So, the way that video was outed…because there was a lot of speculation when it came out, by a bunch of gullible idiots on the internet, thinking, “Oh, my gosh, we’re finally here! We got the hoverboard.”

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Then some girl, who was, like, a PA for that thing. Listed it on her resume. And she just posted it on IMDB or something, so…people were searching for this..(Dick laughs) and they came across this girl. She quickly removed it, but the damage was done. Everyone picked up the story and they said, “Oh, it’s fake, guys.”

Dick: Yeah. There are whistle blower laws to protect girls like that. Protect people like that. So this is from a…this is from a journalist who was at this demo, reporting of how fun the hoverboard was?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…the pro skater, Ross McGoran, employed to master this thing for a video, but it’s a bit challenging. He was supposed to be doing a demo, but yesterday, fell off and almost broke his ankle. Today, he’s hobbling around pretending he’s fine. (Maddox scoffs) He tells me the whole board teeters on a magnetic balance point just 1 cm wide, running lengthwise down the middle.

Maddox: WHAT?! That’s…really?!

Dick: Yeah. That’s why they look so stupid when they’re trying to have fun…the time of their lives on this amazing new technology of magnets.

Maddox: So essentially, that’s like being on a high wire.

Dick: Yeah. That’s exactly what it is.

Maddox: Trying to skateboard on a high wire.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: Are you kidding me? They should get…they should have gotten some of those Cirque Du Soleil idiots to do that thing.

Dick: They should have!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Instead of a professional skateboarder. You’re right!

Maddox: ‘Cause those guys are good with balance, at least! Those guys would have done it.

Dick: They should have done it in the fucking first place. I don’t why Lexus, a car that I own…is…committing this kind of fraud!! (Maddox chuckles) This is not the brand that I bought into!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I’m saying?

Maddox: I think it’s exactly the brand you bought into, Dick.

Dick: No, I bought into a brand that was soaked in sophistication. (Maddox cracks up) And class. And now I’ve got Persian racing rims…(Sean laughs) and fake hoverboard jokes…

Maddox: Yeah! I hate…that’s the thing I hate most about this, was that it was just ONE big Lexus ad, and it was SO fucking shameless!

Dick: And it’s a horrible ad!

Maddox: It was so shameless at the end where the car drove up in between the two ramps, and they built up to it…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the guy jumped the car…and they…they…it was just so fucking shameless. It was like the new Jurassic Park movie with Mercedes. Oh, my gosh.

Dick: Ohhhh. Yeah.

Maddox: You couldn’t blink and not see a Mercedes ad.

Dick: Yeah. Yep, well, that’s my problem. I’m d…no more hoverboard stuff! It’s not funny. There’s never gonna be a hoverboard. Never.

Maddox: Well, nooooooo. Mmmmmmm.

Dick: Never. Never! No!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: That hope is what they’re preying on!! Never gonna happen! You wanna…you wanna do another problem?

Maddox: Yeah. You know what my…you know what the biggest problem in the universe is? I'm seriously putting this out there. Self-defeating thoughts. Have you heard of this?

Dick: Oh, boy. I've heard of a self-defeating thought. (grins)

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Where…where is the first time you heard that phrase? Where have you heard that phrase?

Dick: Umm…probably some dickhead motivational speaker in, like, the eighties.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: On the late-night infomercials, the guy with, like, a shitty hairpiece. Something like that. Like a Tony Robbins kinda guy with too many veneers. Like, more teeth in his mouth than a shark.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Somebody like that.

Maddox: Nah, Tony Robbins does have an uncomfortable amount of teeth. Which is probably the normal amount, but it looks kinda crowded.

Dick: It's b…all of his baby teeth are still in. (Maddox laughs) And the adult teeth just grew in around 'em. With a bunch of schmucks from, like, North Dakota in the audience. In the Midwest or something.

Maddox: That guy's got some…that guy's got some chompers, man. Yeah, no. Self-defeating thoughts. I've never experienced it. I've never experienced self-defeating thoughts. I have the opposite. I have self-victorious thoughts. (grins) Yeah!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Cool.

Sean: No hyperbola there. (grins)

Maddox: Shut the fuck up, Sean! (Dick cracks up) Shut your fucking…shut your fucking tr…

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Edit yourself out of the episode, dickhead!! Alright. No, I have self…I have self-victorious thoughts. I predict what I can accurately and then I exceed everyone's expectations and over-deliver. Every time, buddy!!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Take that to the bank! You can invest it!

Dick: Do you have any examples?

Maddox: Of times I've over-delivered?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'll tell you a time…I'll tell you a time I've actually had, uh…a self-victorious thought, 'kay? I was snowboarding, right? And this was, like, my second time snowboarding. And I'm going down, like, the triple diamond…the hardest thing, like…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Uh…uh…Shaun White. They had this little placard at the top of the resort.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: At the lift. And they said "Shaun White doesn't dare go down here."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I went down this triple diamond lift…route. And I was going…I was getting so much speed, and I'm an amateur. At snowboarding. At this point. And I thought…and I thought, "Man, I'm getting so much speed", and for a split second I was a little bit worried, and then I thought to myself, "No, fuck that. I can do this." And then I took a jump and landed it. No…no…that's no hyperbola. Dickhead.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's no hyperbole. I actually landed the jump. It was fucking amazing. I…I did it because I literally had a self-victorious thought. I literally thought to myself, "I can do this."

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And I did it.

Dick: Do you have any TRUE stories?

Maddox: Fuck you. (Dick giggles) That…the entire last half of everything I said was true, including "Fuck you." This is from Psychology Today. "Depressed neurochemistry focuses on negativity. Your thoughts dwell on sad things, such as times of loss, failure, disappointments, and ill treatment. When you remember one time something went wrong, memory networks line up for all the times that something similar went wrong, forming a category of things going wrong. And because depressed minds ruminate, repetitively revisiting that network, that category then solidifies into a path. A thought pattern that says it has always/never been this way." So it's a way of thinking, right? "Your neurochemistry causes you to create a past in which you will always fail, you are always disappointed, or in which you never get what you want." That's the problem with self-defeating thoughts. It happens far more frequently and far more commonly in people than…than you might think. This is something that leads to depressive thinking.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh, it leads to suicide. It leads to failure. And it prevents you from trying new things.

Sean: It's very hard to change, too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: It's very hard to change that pattern of thinking.

Maddox: There is an entire…

Dick: (interjects) What are you, like, an expert on this now, Sean?

Sean: Oh, I am.

Dick: Why do you…why are you an expert on this?

Sean: I've lived this my whole life.

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: You have those self-defeating thoughts?

Sean: Absolutely.

Maddox: Really?

Sean: And…and I know what you're talking about with the lighting up that network.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Over and over again.

Maddox: Yeah. I…I've seen it in other people. I've…I have some friends and people I've dated, even. Where you can see it happen. You can see the shift happen in their minds. As soon as they say something. Because you'll point out something…they'll say that something negative has happened to them, and you'll say, "Well, but there's a lot of positive going on."

Sean: That's right.

Maddox: Right? There's a lot of good things that are going on.

Sean: Yeah. It's not reality, but you think that it is.

Maddox: No. It's distorted thinking.

Sean: Mhmm.

Maddox: It really is. And it's a huge, huge problem.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: This is something that affects a lot of people. It prevents people from following their dreams. It prevents people from trying. From achieving. Dick, you remember you brought in a problem…

Dick: Perfectionism!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: That's the problem I brought in.

Maddox: Perfectionism, right. That was a good problem. But this one I wanna reference is "Dudes Who Need To Get Laid."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? Guys who needs to get laid?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: One of the biggest problems with guys who need to get laid is they have self-defeating thoughts. And the first time, believe it or not, I read this…Neil Strauss' book, The Game.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: About, uh…pickup artists?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's the first time I encountered this phrase. Self-defeating thoughts. And he said that's the number one reason guys shell up and they don't…they decide not to…go after their dreams and go after a girl they might like. You know, they see someone in a bar or they see someone at school, or whatever they want to ask them, they don't have the confidence, they don't have the courage. And they have those self-defeating thoughts. "I'm not good enough."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "I can't." "I'm not successful enough." "I'm not attractive enough." "There's someone who's more attractive than me." "There's someone who has more hair than me".

Dick: Uh, yeah.

Maddox: Uh, "There's someone who has…"

Dick: Stop right there. Go home.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Yeah. (giggles) But those are self-defeating thoughts. And they're not conducive. They will limit you and set you back. Listen to this. This is from the Bold…

Dick: (interjects) I honestly wanna hear more about that network that lights up. (grins) You gravitated on that immediately, and that seems like a very bizarre concept.

Sean: Well, your brain is like a muscle. There's…you know, your neural pathways and stuff, you know, they're forming at rapid rates when you're, you know, 2, 3, 4 years old. Like, you know, the majority of your brain forms at that point. But yeah, it's like using anything else. The ones that you use over and over again are stronger, and then ones that you don't kind of gradually just weaken.

Maddox: Yeah. It's like somebody who doesn't…

Sean: (interjects) That's the latest…that's the latest science of it.

Maddox: True, true. It's like a well-worn path in your mind. Your patterns of thinking. Your thoughts. Your thought patterns. The more that you exercise those regions in your brain, the more reinforced they'll be.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Because it's something…it's just a fallback. It's a traditional,,,it's almost like a verbal tic, but it's a mental tic. You know how some people have verbal tics. They say, "Right?" You know, or they end every sentence where they say "like". They say "like" a lot.

Dick: Yeah, I know what is a verbal tic. (Maddox cracks up)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

(Sound effect: Audience laughter)

Maddox: That was brilliant. (still laughing) Um, yeah. So they…they have these recurring…these recurring thought patterns.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, that are destructive to them because they'll get reinforced and they'll get depressed and they'll lead to all sorts of nasty things.

Dick: That's c…that's a liquor loop. Now I know what you're talking about!

Maddox: A liquor loop. What's that, alcoholism? (Sean laughs)

Dick: Yeah. It's a liquor loop. No, (scoffs) come on. Don't be so crass. Vulgar…

Maddox: (interjects) Is that what you're referring to?

Dick: Ehhhhh, I don't know. It's called a liquor loop.

Maddox: (interjects) Wha…

Dick: When you get in that loop…

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: And it's like every day, you think, "Oh, I could just slam a glass of whiskey. It's like 3. I put in a lot of work today."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Lemme just throw…lemme just have a little bit of Wild Turkey on the rocks here, just to get me to, like, 7 PM.

Maddox: Yeah. Sure.

Dick: Next thing you know, it's 5:30 and you're ordering Indian food for six people. (Maddox giggles) Oh, just for you. That's a liquor loop. Then the next day, you wake up and you do it again.

Maddox: Dick, I feel like you've described, like, every weekday for you. (Dick chuckles) Every weekday. 'Cause we've done that before.

Dick: It's hard to get out of!! It's hard to get out of!! 'Cause you (stammers) get used to it.

Maddox: Yeah. No, it…it really is.

Dick: It compounds.

Maddox: It really is. I know we joke about it, but it really is! It's a really tough thing. It prevents you from trying new things, as I said. This is, again, from Psychology Today. They said, "This kind of categorical description of past events becomes a prediction of things to come", which is the gambler's fallacy, essentially. Past predictions don't affect the future?

Dick: Oh, you just get negative about everything?

Maddox: Yeah. "The idea that you are destined to fail will prevent you from trying new things. Few thoughts are more likely to prevent change than those that predict defeat. Self-defeating thoughts are central in maintaining depression and blocking change. The most common self-defeating category of thoughts stems from the belief that we are doomed to letting our past determine our future. In fact, this misery-inducing mantra, "I have always been this way", is responsible for stopping people cold, dead in their tracks, before they even attempt to change a behavior or emotion. Such thoughts are depression-reinforcing." And I'll tell you, man. I used to ha…I used to suffer from depression, a lot. I used to be really depressed, especially in my early 20's. I was suicidal. I was suicidal. I totally get it. I totally get that…that…

Dick: (interjects) How suicidal? What do you mean, suicidal?

Maddox: Well, umm…I mean, I thought about it. I thought that "I got nothing to live for," you know, "Life sucks". "This is garbage." Everything's terrible. I was a miserable person. And anytime anyone asked me how I was doing, my default response was "Shitty." Right?

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: And I remember the day I realized I was depressed, was when I was at work. I was sitting on a bench outside. And some of my coworkers came up to me and they said, "Hey Maddox, what are you doing this weekend?" And I said, "Oh, I don't know. I don't have any plans." He said, "What do you want to do?" And I thought about it, and my answer was "Nothing". I thought, I don't really wanna do anything. I didn't want to play video games. I didn't want to eat.

Dick: That's depression?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, shit!

Maddox: When you don't want…when you don't want to do anything. Like, liter…it wasn't in a…in a relaxing sense, like, "I just want to go home and unwind."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was in a sense like, "Nothing brings me joy."

Dick: "I have no hopes or dreams."

Maddox: No hopes or dreams.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Nothing. I don't want to do anything. And video games were my favorite thing, and I didn't even wanna play video games. And then that's when I realized I was depressed, and so out of desperation and depression, I decided to experiment. I actually overcame my depression this way. And I didn't read this anywhere. It was just an experiment I did on my own.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I thought I was gonna start lying to people.

Dick: Great! (big grin) Yes!!! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: I thought, "What do I have to lose?" Right?

Dick: Only gain!!! (Maddox laughs) Only gains!! And if you lose, lie about it!!

Maddox: What a dickhead. No. I…I said "I'm going to start lying to people all the time," And I decided a specific type of lie, right? Uh, if they asked me how I was doing, I was gonna tell them the opposite.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: I was just gonna start fucking with it.

Dick: Fake it 'til you make it, kind of thing.

Maddox: I didn't know…

Dick: (interjects) Is that where you were going?

Maddox: I didn't know that that's what it was!

Dick: Sure, sure, sure. Go ahead.

Maddox: But essentially, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I decided to tell them the opposite. Uh, people would ask me how I was doing and I said, "Great." Or "Excellent."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Better than ever". And I remember, too. I remember typing "better than ever", and then someone wrote back and they said, "Why?" and I thought, "Well, shit." I didn't think that they would ask.

Sean: I've dug myself a hole now!!

Dick: Now I gotta really gin up the lie machine.

Maddox: Uh-huh. And so then I thought about it, well, I thought, "What could I possibly say here to just get them off my back?"

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I said, like, the simplest thing ever. I just said, "Well, I thought about it, and I thought, "Well I guess I'm in college, and I'm about halfway towards graduating…" So I said that. And then I…and then I told another person, they said, "Why?" And over the course of two weeks, I kept trying to justify why I was in a good mood, and I said, "Well, I got a family."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I said, "I got a roof over my head." I got a good paying job. Uh, I'm relatively healthy. I'm young. I have my life ahead of me. And then I thought…(stammers) I said, "I own hundreds of video games." I have all this…(Dick guffaws)

Dick: That was the capper! (Maddox laughs) Then you exploded and a rainbow shot outta your butt.

Sean: "But I don't have a jet pack".

Maddox: No…or the Crown Jewels!!!

Dick: Yeah, jet pack for him would be bad.

Maddox: Yeah. No, it would be good!!!!

Dick: Straight to jail. (laughs)

Maddox: I'd accomplish one of my life goals!!! Anyway, man. Um, so over the course of two weeks, I found that my life had shifted, my philos…my mindset had shifted.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My perspective had shifted. And that's when I stopped having those self-defeating thoughts. Well, so much. I mean, I still do, especially when I'm writing.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Oh, man. You should get in my head with my demons in a few minutes. But, uh..

Sean: They're a knee-jerk reaction.

Maddox: What, the demons?

Sean: N…well, no. The self-defeating thoughts. You just learn to not listen to 'em.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Sean: But they're…they'll always be a knee-jerk reaction, to some extent. Like you said…when you're stressed…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait. What do you mean? When do you think about? When do you think, like, self-defeating thoughts like you're talking about? Like, what do you think and when does it happen?

Sean: Uh, sometimes when you're gonna try something new or go into, like, a new career, or something like that, and you're stressed out about it.

Dick: You think, like, "Goddamn it, that time I deleted the podcast. That's gonna haunt me forever." (Maddox cracks up) Does that happen?

Sean: It…it…well, it has haunted me forever. I'm still here. I…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm serious! What do you think? When you're, like, entering those situations? Just self-doubt?

Sean: Well, I'm currently tracking everyone who's ever left a voice mail about it.

Dick: Oh?

Sean: They'll be getting a package. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Okay, Sean. The Unibomber.

Sean: Oh, you meant generally.

Dick: Domestic terrorism.

Maddox: Yeah, in general? Yeah, man. Um, so, over the course of the la…I would say the next…after I did that experiment, right? That was in my early twenties? Then for about 12 years of my life, I didn't experience depression. I didn't experience it again for about 12 years.

Dick: Did you do that for 12 years, or did it come more naturally?

Maddox: It came naturally. It came naturally. I…I started…I remember…I mean, this sounds super…it almost sounds like hippy-dippy bullshit.

Dick: Oh, it's sounded like that since you started the story.

Maddox: Fuck you, Burning Man!! (Dick cracks up) I don't need this shit!!

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: I remember waking up one morning and just thinking, "Well, that's another day I'm alive. That's cool."

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: And I was so happy just to be alive. I really was.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause I remember waking up in my apartment. It was my new apartment and it smelled good. And I thought, "Wow, this is…this is unusual." (laughing) No, but I really thought…I really thought, "I like the smell this morning, and I like that I'm alive this morning."

Sean: Okay.

Maddox: "And I don't care what happens to me today. At least I started out alive." Like, that's a good thing, right? My perspective completely changed. I didn't get depressed until, uh…I would say about two years ago. And then, again, I went through and I practiced, and I practiced these mental thoughts, and you know, overcame. Overcame.

Dick: Hmmm.

Maddox: But that's…these self-defeating thoughts, man. They're…they're a bitch. You ever experience those, Dick?

Dick: Uhh….(sighs) Yeah. Yeah. Lemme think. I'm trying to…well, I mean, I don't just wanna say yes. I hate when people say yes and identify with, like, bad things, you know? They're like "Oh, I feel that way, too. All the time."

Sean: See, he never seems like he does, to me.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: 'Cause he…he'll try anything.

Maddox: No, I…I've seen it.

Sean: Oh yeah?

Maddox: I've seen it, I've seen it. Yeah.

Dick: Oh, please tell me.

Maddox: Because we're good friends. No, I don't wanna get into personal shit.

Dick: Why? I don't care.

Maddox: No. No. No, because…because…

Dick: (interjects) What is it in regards to?

Maddox: No…I've seen it…I've seen it in the way that you think about…sometimes, you ruminate about things…things about life, where your life has been, where your life has headed.

Dick: Mmmmmmm.

Maddox: I'll see it sometimes. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Um…

Dick: Where has my life been?

Maddox: I'll give you…I'll give you a second to think about it, Dick, but I wanna go back to your problem about Dudes Who Need To Get Laid.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This is from They said…"Here's a self-defeating thought. If I were hotter, skinnier, smarter, or more interesting, I'd have someone by now."

Dick: See, but I don't think stuff like that. Like, everything negative I think about myself is just laziness.

Maddox: That you're lazy?

Dick: Yeah. It's like, "Well, why don't I have this?" "Well, 'cause you didn't do it. 'Cause you didn't work for it."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, (stammers) that's it.

Maddox: But that's rational. That's not, like…

Dick: (interjects) That's what I think! Like, that's what I always come back to. It's not shit like that, like, "If I had this, my life would be better."

Maddox: No. No.

Dick: It's like, "Well, you should have worked harder for it, man."

Maddox: Well, this doesn't apply to you, but this is definitely a huge…

Dick: (interjects) Okay. Keep giving me some more examples, then.

Maddox: Okay. Well this is a huge subset of…

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I don't identify with what you were talking about, either, Sean. Like, when you're trying something new and you are…you're like doubting yourself about it.

Sean: Well, I think a lot of that forms really early. It depends on who your role models are growing up? You know. I think. I mean, that's what the experts seem to think.

Dick: Yeah. I…I believe that.

Maddox: Well, Dick, that…

Dick: My parents aren't like that, either. Like, they're like, "Go fucking kill 'em, go go go go."

Sean: No, they're not. No, they're not.

Maddox: Your parents are…your parents are very…encouraged you when you grew up, right?

Dick: Yes. Yeah, all the time.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, that's great.

Dick: Too much, probably.

Maddox: Yeah. Definitely too much.

Dick: Too much.

Maddox: (scoffs) We gotta have a talk.

Dick: Probably.

Maddox: No, but these guys…a lot of people…and girls, too. Um…

Dick: (interjects) They won't even say no.

Maddox: They wouldn't say no to you?

Dick: Yeah. They were so, like experimental…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, those parents, huh? (grins)

Dick: And hippy-dippy. When I was,like, 2, my mom wouldn't use the word "No".

Maddox: What, did you parents go to Berkeley?

Dick: Uh…no. They did not go to Berkeley.

Maddox: Big Dukakis? Was Dukakis the, uh…he got tru…he got stumped by, uh…Reagan, right? Dukakis was his…

Dick: Yes!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or was it…yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sean: The second. No.

Dick: Dukakis was Bush!!!

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Yeah. Mondale was Reagan.

Maddox: Mondale was Reagan, yeah.

Sean: Was Reagan's second term.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. "Hold my opponent's lack of…"

Dick: (interjects) That was…that was a half a stump compared to the stumping you're gonna see.

Maddox: Oh, yeah? From Trump?

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: So they say…so these are a lot of people who have these self-defeating thoughts when it comes to dating.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: They think, "If I were skinnier", "If I were smarter", "If I were more interesting, I'd have someone by now." Right? And this is their response. They say, "Insecurity is one of the most useless emotions." I mean, think about it. When…what has it done for you lately? What has insecurity ever done for you? Not a damn thing, right? Except maybe bum you out and keep you down. And the worst part is, because confidence is the single most attractive quality a person can have, focusing on your weakness actually makes you less attractive. So this self-defeating thought…is a feedback loop that makes you even worse, because you think these things about yourself and then you actually start behaving that way.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I…that's why sometimes, dude, I'm a big party crasher, and I'm not gonna get into it right now, but I've gone party crashing with friends, right? And I tell them, "If you wanna come along with me, you have to think the thoughts."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You have to…(stammers) one of my friends was gonna come with me party crashing one time, and they said, "Well, what if we don't get in?" I said, "You're not coming."

Dick: You're not getting in.

Maddox: You're not getting in. You've already failed this test. You don't…there is no "what if". I belong at this party, I'm gonna get into this party, end of story. I get…it's not like The Secret bullshit, either, it's an entire mentality you have to actually believe.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause if you don't, they can sniff a rat. They can sniff a rat. I feel like you're incredulous about this whole thing, Dick. Or are you actually thinking about self-defeating thoughts?

Dick: No, I'm just trying to ident…just trying to find a way to identify with this problem, like, you put the challenge. I 100% agree with what you're saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Fake it 'til you make it. Act like you're supposed to be there. That's…you know. That's my MO to the…like, I'll do…if somebody says, "Do this." I'm like, "Yeah. Yes. I can do that. Yes. Whatever it is. Yeah, sure."

Maddox: Ohoho.

Dick: "Well, are you sure?" "Yeah, totally."

Maddox: No. No. But then, where's the follow-through? Do you have the follow-through?

Dick: Of course! You have to.

Maddox: I…I don't think that it's…

Dick: (interjects) It's an opportunity.

Maddox: Well, what's the difference between….when it comes to thoughts. Specifically, thoughts about trying to change the way you think. What is the difference between faking it and actually being it?

Dick: Thought-wise?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No difference.

Maddox: There's no difference, right?

Dick: No. No.

Maddox: So, essentially, it's not faking it. When you actually think it…

Dick: Yeah, but you have to fake it at first.

Maddox: Maybe the first time you ever do it.

Dick: Yeah, sure.

Maddox: I…I think that even that, the first time you ever do it, is not really faking it, either.

Dick: Well, you can look at things in a different perspective, then. How's that?

Maddox: Well…okay. That's fair. But I really think that when people do this…when you actually think these thoughts? That's the change. That's all you have to do. It is literally a difference in perspective. That's all it is. It's a difference in perspective. That is the…there's a chasm of people who do, and people who don't. And in between that chasm are these self-defeating thoughts.

Dick: Yeah. (half-hearted)

Maddox: That prevent you from achieving.

Dick: Do you do talks about this stuff?

Maddox: I know. I sound like an asshole.

Dick: Do you do talks about this stuff?!

Maddox: No.

Dick: You do sound like an asshole.

Maddox: I know! I sound like such a prick! (Dick cracks up) I sound like every one of those fucking…shithead marketing guru, uh, you know, life coach.

Dick: Yeah, you do!

Maddox: Assholes.

Dick: 'Cause it's a big problem. Because people…

Maddox: (interjects) But I…

Dick: No, no, no. Hold on.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because everyone needs this. Like, millions of people need…to stop doing this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they need to hear it!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, it's just…it's as simple as that, especially when you're talking about getting laid. It is…you see these, umm…you see, like, an image in your mind. You can picture some smokin' hot, trophy girlfriend with some, like, rich troll.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? And you think, "Oh, she's just a gold digger out for the money." But it's like, "Yeah, but also, he might just think that highly of himself." And you can project that.

Maddox: Sure!

Dick: Onto people. Like, you…don't write her off as a hooker, or whatever. She might be! I don't know. But…he could also just be a very charismatic guy who believes in himself, and that's very attractive.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: And that can…that can knock you up several points on the attraction scale.

Maddox: Oh, absolutely, man. I mean, I know, there's guys out there…

Dick: (interjects) You never see the reverse, though.

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: Do you? Like, some little troll. I guess Hugh Jackman.

Maddox: What about him?

Dick: Hugh Jackman is like…that's why everyone says he's gay.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: 'Cause he's very attractive and his wife is, like, ho-hum. Right?

Maddox: Oh, my gosh. His wife. Yeah. Have you seen his wife, Sean?

Dick: I dunno.

Sean: No.

Dick: That field is barren. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No apples in that orchard.

Dick: No. (grins)

Maddox: No cherries.

Dick: What were you gonna say?

Maddox: Yeah, uh…yeah. It actually is. That embodiment of confidence.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Changes the way you think. Helps you achieve…you overcome everything. You overcome all your obstacles, because…you think there's always someone more attractive than you. There's always someone more successful than you. They have more money than you. They're more popular than you. It doesn't fucking matter.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it has everything to do with your inner thoughts. Your inner monologue. What you actually think about yourself. And whether or not you can achieve, because you can put those thoughts into action. You can…it changes the way you carry yourself. I used to be…even my body language, man. When you…if you'd seen me, like, seven, eight years ago? I was kinda, like, slumped over like a tombstone all the time. And I did…I didn't feel very confident about myself. And I felt…I didn't feel as attractive. I didn't feel as worthy as some other people.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: But these were all things that I actually worked on. This is…and it's not something…that's the thing, Dick. You say that laziness is…laziness is your self-defeating thought? Fair. That's totally fair.

Dick: It's not self-defeating, though, it's genuine laziness.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: It's that I'd rather…it's that I'd rather spend all my time being three beers deep. Like, my problem is not this problem. It's a big problem, but it's not my problem. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, well. Eh. I could see that. I could see that with you. But these self-defeating thoughts affect a lot of people.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And they affect them in lots of nasty, terrible ways.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it's something that…that needs to stop. People need to…people need to stop reinforcing their bad, negative habits, and start embracing good ones. Man, I sound like such a fucking dick.

Dick: You sound like a HUGE dick.

Maddox: I know. I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge.

Dick: Where is this comment from?!

Maddox: I don't know! Because I don't even watch these social marketing experts! I don't watch these life coaches, or anything. I really don't and I don't give a shit. I've never seen Tony Robbins. I've never gone to…I've never gone to any seminars. I don't know where this is coming from.

Sean: No, you learned it from experience.

Maddox: Yeah. That's…

Sean: That's as easy as it gets.

Dick: That's how they…that's how they start their seminars. "I learned all this through experience!" (grins)

Maddox: Ugh…

Dick: They sucker you in with that shit!

Sean: Yep. But…

Maddox: How do you know, Dick?!? (laughs)

Sean: They can't convince you of it unless you do it.

Dick: I love m…um…

Sean: You might walk out of there high for a little while, you know, like, "Oh yeah, it's so great!"

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But you'll go back to your old habits unless you actually, like Maddox said, make that concerted effort to do it.

Dick: To do it? (grins)

Sean: Yeah, to do it. To actually…

Maddox: You actually have to do it, yeah.

Sean: Attempt to make that change.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: You haven't even mentioned the physiological effects of what it does.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: I don't know. What is it?

Sean: Neurotransmitters and stuff? That positive outlook helps you make serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine. All the stuff that your brain needs to…

Dick: (interjects) Nora Ephron? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No, that's true, Sean. It actually does. It releases more dopamine inside your mind.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: It reinforces the pos…it changes your neurochemistry. Your brain neurochemistry to not be one of depression.

Dick: Here's…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Here's…(stammers) There's a lot of hype, here. There's not a lot of plan, though. You know?

Maddox: What do you mean, not a lot of plan?

Dick: Well, you…like, what's the plan? Fake it 'til you make it?

Maddox: It's not faking…

Dick: Focus on the good stuff?

Maddox: Okay. Stop right there, Dick! You're fucking up! That's your first problem right there! Saying the word "fake". It's not faking! Because you acknowledged earlier…

Dick: (interjects) It's all fake.

Maddox: No, it's not. You acknowledged earlier that the…there is no difference between, uh…a fake positive thought and a real positive thought.

Dick: I know, but you're still getting off into the weeds again.

Maddox: Because they're the exact same thing. No!

Dick: You're still getting off into the weeds again. This doesn't help people who have negative thoughts!!

Maddox: It absolutely does, 'cause you're looking at him!

Dick: That's a slogan. What you say is a slogan.

Maddox: And by the way…and by the way…and I still…I rant and I bitch and I…you know, I'm Maddox, right? I fucking…hate a lot of things…

Dick: And now you're basically writing a "Hang in there, kitty" poster.

Maddox: No!

Dick: Like, that's what this IS!!!

Maddox: Fuck you, dickhead!

Dick: Is "focus on the good things in life"! What the fuck!? Sing it on the cross!

Sean: It worked for him. It might not work for everybody.

Maddox: But…but again, that…first of all, as Maddox….as Maddox, when I write my shit, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: People are like, "Oh, you're so full of hate. You're so negative." Blablabla…

Dick: You are.

Maddox: I don't see it that way. I don't see it that way. I see it as CARING, right? I bitch because I care. I want things to be better. That's why I complain. And that's why I do what I do. K…hating is the most…is the best form of caring, buddy!!!

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Biggest form of caring. That's what I am. Father Santa Claus of Hate!!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So, Asterios, you are, I believe our third guest on the show ever, and you can…you have a problem you brought in this week.

Asterios: Yeah, I brought in a problem. My problem, and thanks for having me. My problem is "Toms Shoes".

Maddox: "Toms Shoes"! Bravo! Yes.

Dick: That's a problem.

Asterios: I thought you were gonna play a round of applause there.

Maddox: You know, I was looking for the round of applause. This is the episode, too, I was like, "Yeah, let's get rid of the round of applause." Here's what I replaced it with:

(Sound effect: Asterios: "'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!!") (all laugh)

Dick: I gotta explain that real quick before we talk about Tom's Shoes. Asterios Kokkinos is responsible for the funniest thing I have ever seen at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. And I mean that..before it was you, it was that guy who came out as the Wolf Man and said…(Asterios cracks up) It was a guy who runs out of the back curtain and goes "Someone asked if the Wolf Man has nards!" and pulls his pants down and shows his dick, to like, the entire audience. That was the funniest thing. Your…when you came out doing the guy from the Polar Express…being basically an unhinged maniac, screaming about how you abduct children and turn them into mutants…(Asterios laughs) That was the new funniest thing I'd ever seen. So I brought in a clip of it.

Maddox: Yeah, that's…that's hilarious. Yeah.

Dick: Play it.

(Sound effect: Asterios: "'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!!")

Dick: That was the start. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, and people tried to…that was during the Tournament of Nerds debate show, where they tried to argue who would win a fight, whatever, and they tried to smear you by pointing out that the Polar Express guy is kinda creepy 'cause he kidnaps kids, and there's like, a 'molestery' affect to it. And YOU FULLY EMBRACED IT! (Asterios laughs) You were like "Yes, I love delicious children!!" and it was…

Dick: "Cause I'm a digital cyber demon!" (they all laugh)

Maddox: It was impossible to take you down. It was nonstop. That was incredible.

Asterios: Well, it's hard to top a pedophile. So…there you go. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: There's a soundbyte. (Asterios laughs) So, what's your problem with Toms? Which I agree. Yeah.

Asterios: Sure. No, look. I figure we're not really gonna be debating this one like the iPhone…(laughs) (Maddox giggles) But, I got a couple of problems with Toms Shoes. First off, let me start by saying, like, there are things that people wear that tell you everything you need to know about them. You're watching a movie. You see a guy in a suit with an earpiece, you know he's a Secret Service guy. You see a girl wearing Louboutins, you know she's rich. You see a guy in Toms Shoes, you know right away he's a douche. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yep.

Asterios: You know right away. Like, the guy…the 25-year-old guy firing your dad is wearing Toms Shoes.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Asterios: You know. He's the guy that's like (silly voice) "Oh, sorry pops, times are tough. We're gonna swap you out for six interns." Like, that's the Toms Shoes wearer.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: And I know you guys agree with me by how they look.

Dick: Can I ask a question?

Asterios: Yeah.

Dick: There are Toms Shoes for men? (Maddox and Asterios crack up) I honestly didn't know that.

Maddox: Yeah. These pieces of shit, garbage…Asterios, can you explain, like, what they are for people who might not know?

Asterios: Absolutely. So, for people who might not know, Toms Shoes are these garbage-looking shoes…

Maddox: Mhmm.

Asterios: …That you can buy in Whole Foods. (Dick cackles) And they're based around the idea…

Maddox: Can you really?

Asterios: The best possible place to buy your shoes. An overpriced grocery store.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Asterios: Yes. And uhhh…the point of Toms Shoes…it was a company founded in 2006, was the "Buy One, Give One" model.

Maddox: Yes.

Asterios: When you buy a pair of Toms Shoes for 70$, they will give a pair of Toms Shoes to a kid in need in Africa.

Maddox: Right.

Asterios: So that's kind of the appeal of Toms Shoes.

Dick: In need of shoes or AIDS vaccinations? (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Nope, just shoes.

Asterios: Just shoes.

Maddox: Sorry. Here's your shoes.

Dick: Not food?

Maddox: Nope. No food.

Dick: They're not gonna give them like, a gallon of water?

Maddox: Here you go, eat your Toms, idiot.

Dick: Here's some shoes?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: See if you can wring some water out of this rubber?

Maddox: So, so. Here's the philosophy. You go to a place where you buy food, and the instead, buy expensive shoes, and then send the shoes to people and keep the food for yourself. (Asterios and Dick crack up)

Asterios: That's a very good point.

Dick: In Africa, do they get, like a Whole Foods box? And they open it up and it's full of shoes? (Asterios and Dick crack up)

Maddox: Here you go, idiots!

Asterios: Whole foods?! There's NO foods in here! What the hell?!

Maddox: You know, if they JUST had shoes. The poor children of Africa. If they just had shoes, rather than new schools, or I don't know, vaccinations…

Asterios: A sustainable economy.

Dick: Nuclear power.

Maddox: Or ANY power.

Asterios: Right, exactly. Well, see, now that's the thing, look. You want to give a guy a pair of shoes? That's…actually, look, I have no problem with giving someone that needs shoes, shoes. That's great. What happens when those shoes wear out? What if they don't get any free shoes from the next free shoe shipment? Like, what if the head of Toms goes crazy and Toms goes out of business? Oh, well, that's alright. 'Cause you can just buy a pair of shoes from your local shoemaker, right? No. Wrong. You can't. Because your local shoemaker went out of business because some asshole named Tom undercut his prices by 100% with his free shoes!! (Maddox laughs) So what these free shoes do…

Dick: They're killing local businesses! (laughing)

Asterios: Exactly!

Maddox: That's a good fucking point!

Dick: Oh, my God! I never thought of that!

Maddox: Yeah! It's killing the economy!

Asterios: TIME magazine called it an unsustainable aid-based economy. So, yeah, look. It's great to have shoes for that day. Or that month. Toms Shoes wear out pretty fast, so three months later, look, people are out of a job, you're out of shoes. You're fucked again.

Maddox: Yeah. Those shoes look like they're made out of burlap sack…

Asterios: (interjects) Yeah.

Maddox: And then sandpaper. They look like the most uncomfortable, shitty shoes. They're not waterproof. They look ugly as sin. (Sean laughing)

Dick: Like the Android (all laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, you're wearing a couple of iPhones on your feet. So, these shoes are just absolutely garbage. They look like…they always fall apart, they look ratty as shit. And so, these are the shoes they're sending these kids in Africa. The shittiest looking shoes. And then, the people who buy them, they feel like such fucking saints. Like, oh…

Asterios: That's the thing!

Maddox: Yeah. They're showing solidarity with some Ethiopian kid that they'll never fucking meet. And who knows if they'll ever even get that shoe in the first place.

Dick: Can you take the shoe? Can you say, "Can you just give me two shoes?" (Asterios laughs) like, I don't want to send mine to poor people?

Maddox: You know, there's also…this is kind of interesting, too. If you think about the size of the shoes that adults wear are, you know, 9+. Up to 13 or 14 sometimes? The material that they save on those…it's not a 1:1 ratio, 'cause they're making smaller shoes for kids and sending those over.

Asterios: Yup.

Maddox: So where does that cost disparity, go?

Asterios: Mhmm.

Maddox: Right in their fucking pockets, I guaran-fucking-tee it.

Asterios: Oh, you mean, Toms Shoes, the 650 million dollar corporation?

Maddox: Holy shit.

Asterios: It's not a not-for-profit, by the way. It's worth 650 million dollars and the head of Toms Shoes just sold half of it to Bane Capital, AKA Mitt Romney.

Maddox: Wowwwwwwwwww.

Asterios: So, these are the people that are…

Dick: (interjects) Smart guy. He should have been president. (all laughing)

Maddox: Fucking Dick. (laughing)

Asterios: Yeah, I saw…

Dick: (interjects) Good investment!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: I saw a pair of Toms Shoes…

Dick: (interjects) I like that they kill local business, because, like, I'm imagining how you explain that, to like, a spoiled person, someone who would buy these shoes. Like, imagine if aliens, just like gave us a bunch of free shit, and then just never did again?

Asterios: Right. Exactly.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like they just came down, and I don't know what the spoiled rich people would buy that aliens could just replace for free…

Asterios: Cars…exactly. Well, then the auto manufacturing sector goes out of business.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Asterios: And then where do you get your next car? The aliens have moved on to another planet and giving them cars.

Dick: Yeah, and then where would you get your Fiat?

Asterios: Exactly.

Dick: Or your Scion. Scion. (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: Dick, was that a…

Asterios: (interjects) But the Scion is an alien car, so it works!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: So, here's a quote from the New York Times. This is an interview with Tom Shoes' "Chief Giving Officer" (Maddox and Dick crack up) Terrible…

Maddox: CGO…(laughing)

Asterios: Oh, and by the way, no…that's not the CEO…

Maddox: No, CGO. CGO.

Asterios: Right. Toms doesn't have a CEO. It has a CSG. A Chief Shoe Giver.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhh….ughhhhhhhhhhh..bleeeeeeeeeeerhhhhh (vomiting sound)

Asterios: Absolutely not kidding. Absolutely not kidding.

Maddox: Oh my gosh.

Dick: Is he in charge of the whole company?

Asterios: Uhh…he's, you know, the CEO of Toms Shoes, Blake Mycoskie. Who looks like a super douche.

Dick: That sounds like a fake name, too.

Asterios: He looks like the guy that steals your girlfriend.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Asterios: Yeah. He looks like Dick.

Maddox: Asshole.

Asterios: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, fucking Dick. (laughing)

Dick: I have done that. (Asterios laughing)

Maddox: Oh, yeah, what a way to be proud. (Sean laughs)

Asterios: So here's what the Chief Giving Officer said, "If we begin to create an environment where shoes are available, we hope the local shoe industry will take this up and start selling shoes." Yeah! Because people in Africa have no idea what SHOES are! It's a good thing you went ant introduced them to the concept of shoes and selling shoes by GIVING SHOES AWAY FOR FREE!!! (yelling) (Maddox laughs) You sell T-shirts!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: It would be like if I went to all your fans and gave them free Maddox T-shirts and was like, "Well I'm introducing your fans to the concept of T-shirts."

Maddox: No no, Asterios, don't do that! I don't need you to do that.

Asterios: No, no, please, it's for their own good!

Maddox: No!

Asterios: They're gonna take these T-shirts! And they're gonna LIKE THEM!

Maddox: No, you're undercutting my market! I can't sell T-shirts if you're giving them away for free!!

Asterios: How will my douchebag customers feel good if I don't give away your T-shirts, for free?!

Maddox: Well, you're right Asterios, good argument. I guess I'll go out of business! (laughs)

Asterios: See you later, sucker!

Dick: You know what it is? It's like if someone from the future came back in time and just gave away copies of your next book.

Asterios: Yup.

Maddox: Yeah!

Asterios: Yup.

Dick: And then you're like "Well, what about me?!"

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Fine, fuck it, I'm not writing any more books!

Asterios: But it's helping people, right?

Maddox: Suuure.

Asterios: They want that book! It's a short-term gain, but we've lost an artist. That's not good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Yeah.

Dick: Who's making these shoes, by the way?

Maddox: Ohhhohoh..(laughing)

Asterios: Well, let me tell you! Thank you for saying…Thank you, Byron Allen, for setting me up! (Dick laughs) So, uhh…so here's the thing. Where are Toms Shoes made? I went down to Whole Foods, literally. I went down to Whole Foods and I put on a protective Hazmat suit…and I went into Whole Foods, and I pulled a pair of Toms off the shelf, well, surprise, surprise, the pair I look at, it's made in China!

Maddox: Oh!

Asterios: You know. Yeah! China! That bastion of worker's rights, China!

Maddox: Mhmmm.

Asterios: Yeah, every Liberal's favorite country where everyone earns a living wage and everybody is happy and they all have all the food and medicine they need. They've got great air….oh, wait, it's fucking China!! (yelling) (Maddox laughs) Where the only reason they stopped selling poison baby food was that an important baby died!!!!

Maddox: Wait,wait. Which baby?

Asterios: I dunno. Some politician's baby.

Maddox: Oh, some politician's baby, yeah.

Asterios: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, so that's interesting Asterios, so they manufactured tens of thousands, probably millions of these shoes, right?

Asterios: Yup.

Maddox: In China.

Asterios: In China.

Maddox: Then they ship it to the US, and then they ship them from China to Africa. So it's two destinations they're shipping the shoes…

Dick: (interjects) Okay, I have a question.

Asterios: Sure.

Dick: So, they have to work twice as much in order to give themselves…in order to get spoiled rich people to buy free shoes for them?

Asterios: Yes. Well, I don't even think they go to China, I think they go to Africa, so those people are just shit out of luck with shoes. So, but actually, Maddox, that is a really brilliant summation, the Made in the USA blog made a similar summation. So, when you buy Toms Shoes, they're made in China, Haiti, Indonesia, so there. You're robbing an American manufacturer of a manufacturing job. Then, you send those free shoes to Africa. They get 'em for free. You're robbing an African guy of his shoemaking job. YOU! Wearing those headphones! Wearing Toms Shoes! Every time you take a step, you're killing TWO JOBS! (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Maddox: And you know what's so insidious about this, Asterios, is those shoes look like they could be made by some local African shoe cobbler, right?

Asterios: Yeah. Uh-huh. Yep.

Maddox: They look like shit!

Asterios: They do.

Maddox: Like, if you had no tools and very little power in whatever environment you were working in…very, like, sub-Internet, sub-electric. Those are the type of shoes you would make! They have the capability to manufacture good fucking shoes and send them to Africa! They're not! They're sending them the types of shoes they would make if they could!

Asterios: Right, exactly. Yes, yes. They are sending…they are often sending shoes that don't work in the appropriate climate. Like, in America, you can wear douche, flimsy shoes, because if something goes wrong, you can probably just go get another pair of shoes.

Maddox: Right.

Asterios: You're probably not walking in a super-duper hot…

Dick: I have different shoes for that!

Asterios: Well, yeah, exactly! If it's raining…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah. They have support.

Asterios: …you go wear your rain galoshes. If it's this, you wear…you know. It's just to make douches…college kids feel happy that they're giving another pair of shoes to someone they'll never see.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Asterios: You know. Exactly.

Maddox: It's the…they're not buying shoes, they're buying a narrative.

Asterios: Yup. Very right.

Maddox: They want to feel good…they want to feel good about doing something without doing anything.

Asterios: (yelling) WITHOUT DOING SHIT! Exactly.

Dick: You know what? We should do that. Every time someone listens to this podcast, we should go shout at someone in need. (Maddox and Asterios crack up) About the problems they're having in their life.

Maddox: Hey, I got an idea. Seriously. For every one download we get, let's send a download to a kid in Africa. (All crack up)

Dick: That's good. That's good.

Asterios: Goddamit! Buy one, give one! I love it.

Maddox: Yep. Yep.

Asterios: You philanthropist, you.

Maddox: Uh-huh!

Asterios: And then you can write off those donated downloads, pay less on your American taxes, put more money in your pocket…now you're ahead of the game twice.

Maddox: But, we may be putting a couple of satirists in Africa out of business. (All crack up laughing)

Asterios: Goddamn it.

Dick: We don't have to go all the way to Africa. There's bums on the street in LA.

Maddox: Yeah, that's true. We could help out those bums. We could give them uh…Beats headphones and give 'em our podcast for free.

Asterios: I'm sure people would love to listen to that. That would be great. Hearing two homeless people fight over a can of beans.

Maddox: And I'm not sure…every time I see someone wearing Beats, too…sorry to bring this up from way in the past, but every time I see someone wearing Beats (laughs), I'm not sure, they might be hipsters or they might be homeless. It could go either way. (Asterios laughs)

Dick: Okay, so, Asterios.

Asterios: Yes.

Dick: I agree, this is a big problem.

Asterios: Mhmm.

Dick: I think that these Toms guys are probably a subset of Nut Hugging Android Fan…(Maddox laughs) I mean, really, at the end of the day…

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Well the Toms guys are rich, so they probably use iPhones.

Dick: So we're at odds. So this is like, an ideology battle we're at right now.

Asterios: Me and you? (incredulous)

Dick: I guess. Yeah.

Asterios: I don't even know.

Dick: That's what I'm saying.

Asterios: Eh, whatever. Okay, so lemme…I would wrap it up with this. I went to the Toms website. A pair of…this is the name of a pair of men's shoes they have. The "Navy Toms Plus Brocade Classics".

Maddox: (sputters, laughs) Brocade?!

Asterios: The Brocade Classics! Plus! It's a name so douche, it may as well have gone to film school. (Maddox laughs) These shoes cost 120$. (incredulous) Okay? These shoes cost 120$. How about this guy? How about you go buy some flip flops, which provide just as much support as this Toms garbage…

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: And then you take the other 110$ that you didn't spend…(yelling)…and you GIVE THEM………………………to me, Asterios Kokkinos. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Bravo!

Asterios: I'll use some of it to help. I'm sure I'll help. Whatever.

(Sound effect: Asterios: "'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!")

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (laughing) Give it to this guy.

Asterios: Look. The bottom line is, if you want to help people, you fucking go out and help people. You take your money…go buy a 20$ pair of shoes. Give the other 20$ to a poor person on the street. You know?

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Go donate to a fucking food bank in America. There's one in five kids are starving in America! You know?

Maddox: Sure.

Asterios: Ehhh, don't do this bullshit where you buy shitting looking shoes to feel better about yourself. It's garbage.

Maddox: No. Same thing…same goes with food and everything else that comes with a narrative. You know what? I can give you guys a narrative. I can jerk you off with some…"Hey, you're buying…buy one of my T-shirts and some kid in Africa will be a little bit happier for a day." (Asterios laughs) Don't know how! Don't…somewhere in Africa. And it's always Africa. Africa's always the Dark Continent where everyone's starving and dying, right?

Asterios: Right.

Maddox: Alright, that wraps up our second ever “Best Of” episode! I hope you guys enjoyed it. Vote on these problems on the website. Even though it’s a “Best Of” episode, we still have the problems back up there. It’s interesting to see how the votes turn out…

(closing riff starts)

Maddox: Once you guys have heard it a second time. Some of the votes go up, some of ‘em go down. Uh, it’ll be interesting to watch and see what happens. Thanks for listening!!

(Circus Theme Fanfare starts)

(Maddox: “Too much swearing.”

Maddox: “Too much swearing.” (pitch and speed drop)

Maddox: “Too much swearing.” (pitch and speed drop again)

(song proceeds to a TON of different cuts of Maddox, Dick, and Sean saying “Fuck”, “Fucking”, “Shitty”, “Motherfucker”, “Fuck off”, “Horseshit”, “Asshole”, “Shove it up your ass”, “Bullshit”, “Tits”, to the melody and the timing of the song)