Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 105
Transcriptions courtesy of: Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock, cobbled together for this episode by Laurie Foster.
Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s. Go to http://www.harrys.com/biggestproblems and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEMS to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Prank Bros to Clip Shows! (Sean laughs) With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Guys, this is the "Best Of" episode. We're on a short break for the next couple of weeks. Thank you for listening. I put together some of the best clips that people have liked in the past. Some of you left some comments. Most of the comments were shitty. Most of your suggestions were awful. In spite of that, I overcame, and I found some good clips. Turns out, everything we've ever recorded is fantastic, so without further ado...here is the first "Best Of" episode we've ever done in our history. It's actually the first time we've actually taken any time off for this podcast. We've not missed a single episode since we launched two years ago. So...here you go. Enjoy.
Maddox: So we've been arguing all week on whether or not we should celebrate the milestone of 50 or the stupid-sounding 52, which is technically, I guess literally, a year.
Dick: (laughs) Technically one year of episodes. (grins) Which is…in my, uh, view…more impressive that a podcast has gone one YEAR, because you can continue measuring it by year, than a podcast that's gone 50 episodes. 50…you can…shitty podcasts, you can knock 50 episodes out in a day. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but 52…what's the next milestone? Uh…(stammers) 104? (jeers) And then 156? That's stupid.
Dick: Two years. Three years. (Sean laughs)
Dick: Four years. You drop the numbers and you just go years. You shithead.
Maddox: I'm fine with that, but then what do you do for the 100th episode? Nothing? You just sit there with your dick in your hands?
Dick: I don't…do you wanna celebrate both?
Dick: We can do that.
Maddox: That sounds like…that's a Maddox thing to do, buddy.
Dick: (scoffs) You be in charge of the 50th episode, I'll be in charge of the year episode. (giggles)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: There we go.
Dick: Can you believe that two grown men instantly…INSTANTLY totally opposite ideas of what we're doing. Asterios wrote and said, "Hey I wanna do something for the anniversary." At the same time, me, "Oh, you mean the 52nd?" Maddox…"Oh, you mean the 50th?" Ohhh boy. Here we go.
Maddox: Yeah. He thought it was the 50th, too. Whatever. There's a great…you know what? Let's…let's hear what you have to say in the comments, and then we will completely ignore it and do whatever we want.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Maddox. I totally get why you don't like Guardians of the Galaxy. I think it's all about the Peter Quill character.
Dick: Yeah, it's true.
"Like how he was listening to music while his mom's in the hospital room dying? It's like he doesn't have any emotions. Like he's dead inside. Then when he grows up, he goes on and becomes a pirate, who thinks he's such a badass, but he comes across as a little gauche… (Dick and Maddox laugh)when he calls himself the Starlord. Almost like an Internet pirate who thinks he's a badass and runs a website called the Best Page in the Universe."
Dick: Did you see that coming? (grins)
"You know what I think, Maddox? I think Guardians of the Galaxy is a little too close to home for you. (Dick and Sean laugh) Let's face it, Maddox. You ARE the Starlord."
Dick: You are the Starlord. (laughing)
"And Dick, go fucking play the Titanic song.")
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Maddox: You know what?! Fuck you! I'm not the Starlord.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "(shuffling) Thank you for this timely hit piece on Guardians of the Galaxy. (Maddox groans) A movie that is, I think 18 months old, or possibly more? I think it's been in theaters. There's been an Oscar here since then. And an Olympics. Possibly a second Olympics. (Dick cracks up) (Maddox giggles) But you got your finger right on the pulse of what people are talking about, guys."
Dick: I love this guy.
"Thank you. I don't know where we'd be without this very timely criticism."
Maddox: I hate this guy. Great.
"Of Guardians of the Galaxy. I look forward to your feelings (giggles) on the Lord of the Rings trilogy or whatever bullshit your…(unintelligible) (Maddox and Dick crack up) Go fuck yourself.")
Dick: He called…I brought in every one of his voice mails, 'cause they're all so funny.
Maddox: You know, asshole?
(Voice mail: (same guy) "An open-format conversation podcast…"
"Where two spirited individuals have a disagreement of opinion about the affairs of the world. Yeah. Derivative.") (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Pretty funny guy.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I'm tired of that guy!
Dick: He sounds so smug.
Maddox: Yeah. He sounds like he's grinning.
(Voice mail: (same guy) "True or false? (Dick giggles) I have at least 20 pics of dicks or whatever the fuck you said…"
Maddox: Yeah, I said dicks.
"On my phone right now."
Maddox: Yeah, you're just laughing to yourself.
"I have…some bad news. Letter "u", letter "r", letter "gay"." (Maddox and Sean crack up) "Edit that so I don't sound stupid, would ya?")
Dick: Do you know what he said at the end?
Maddox: No, what did he say?
Dick: "Edit it so I don't sound stupid".
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are…gaaaaaaaay!?")
Dick: I did. I edited it so he wouldn't sound stupid. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Was that it?
Dick: You wanna hear it? No, no, no. Here's…here's the edit.
Maddox: Let's hear the edit.
(Voice mail: (same guy) "True or false. I have…no…(clipped) dick. Edit that so I don't sound stupid, would ya?" (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: I don't hear you grinning through your teeth in that one, asshole. Ah, man.
Dick: Oh, God. So many…
Maddox: Can we block that phone number? Block that phone…I'm gonna get in and block that.
Dick: Here's…here's a good one.
(Voice mail: (male voice, sounds like crappy imitation of a Japanese samurai from an anime) "Hello Dick and Maddox-u… (Dick and Maddox laugh) My name is…Tamaka-san!! I am a samurai!"
Dick: Samurai. (giggles)
"We do not drive-u our cars like you, Maddox-u. (Maddox dies of laughter)Samuria drive-u with efficiency! While still remaining respectful. (Dick and Sean crack up)and keeping the safety of the drivers around us in mind. Meanwhile-ru. (Maddox laughs)You, Maddox-u, drive like a cuuurazy gaijin asshole!!! (Dick and Maddox laugh)You are ze the kind of person who leaves giant accidents in his wake-u. (they all crack up) Please. Commit seppuku right-u now!! And you…Dick-u Masterson!"
"Anata wa suuugoi na hiito daiyo!! That means you are a pretty coor-u guy!"(Maddox laughs)
"Until-ru next time. Saiyonara!!!")
(Everyone dies of laughter)
Maddox: I like that guy. He's always busting my balls! I'd go drinking with that dude.
Dick: Yea, he's cool. (grins)
Maddox: I'll drink some soju with him.
Dick: You don't…you don't drive like a samurai, though. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I do like to drive like a samurai!
Dick: No…Paul…Paul Gifford says, "Lol. I drive by the samurai ethos. You mean bushido, the code of honor, patience, calmness, serenity, perfection, and war?" (Sean laughs) "Maddox, it sounds more like you drive like Mad Max or Jason Statham from Death Race; on edge, furious, and like you're always in constant peril."
Maddox: Uh, yeah. Thank you. That is…that's one of the best compliments I've ever…
Dick: (interjects) Not like a samurai. (grins)
Maddox: That…(stammers) samurai…you don't know what the fuck a samurai does, dickhead! And I didn't mean bushido, I meant a samurai! Samurais are always pissed off! Always. (Dick laughs) Especially when they're making love! (background laughter)
Dick: Is that how you fuck? Like you drive?! (incredulous) Oh, my god!!
Dick: You're gonna rip a girl's tits off like that! (Maddox cracks up) You gotta be careful!
Maddox: Yep. Hey, gotta hang on, buddy!
Dick: Um, I got…God, I got so many great comments. Uh…I'll do one more, though. I don't wanna get crazy today.
Dick: Chris Pucknell. This might be the funniest, best comment I've ever read.Chris Pucknell, "The shows are released every Tuesday, but they never take advantage of the phrase, "See you next Tuesday.""
Dick: And he adds, "Cleverly concealing the word "cunt"." (Maddox laughs) In case we didn't know.
Maddox: We know, buddy. We invented that joke. Yeah, we've never done that on the…
Dick: (interjects) See you next Tuesday!
Maddox: See you next Tuesday.
Dick: Oh, we should.
Maddox: That's a very cunty thing for us to do. Um, Dick. I have… I have a bit to play. It's…it's one of your favorite bits on the show. It's everyone's favorite bit…
Maddox: …on the show. What?
Dick: Go! I know what the bit is.
Maddox: No. It might not be!
Dick: It's "out of context shenanigans, brought to you by Maddox". Go ahead. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No, you don't know, Dick. It might not be.
(Ritzy theme song starts, "DICK VERSUS DICK!!!!" voice)
Dick: Ugh, such horseshit.
Maddox: (laughing) Ahh, Dick. Today's Dick Versus Dick comes to us all the way back from episode 41.
Maddox: Remember, umm…I don't know if you remember this, Dick, but, uh…here's what you said way back when. Listen to this.
Dick: Oh, you got a harp.
(Dick: "You know, you guys…you would really do well by reading a book called "Siddhartha".
Maddox: Siddhartha talks about that, Dick? How not get incensed at things you read on Facebook?
Dick: Yeah, man. It's all about not…it's very…very Zen Buddhist. It's all about not engaging with the things in life that upset you.
Maddox: Ooooooh, I feel a Dick Versus Dick coming on!!! (Whitney laughs) Tune in next episode, guys!
Dick: Why? Why? What did I say?")
Maddox: Yeah. You remember saying that, Dick?
Dick: You what this segment should be called?
Maddox: Yeah, what?
Dick: "Maddox doesn't get jokes". (Maddox laughs) I remember why I said that, too.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: I said that because Whitney was talking about recently enlightened people and how annoying they are when they pitch what they've just become enlightened with.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Dick: So I said…I chimed in with, "You know what, Maddox? You should read…" and then I gave this stupid Buddhist spiel over Siddhartha, which is like a ninth-grade reading book.
Maddox: You know, I agree Dick, that was a funny statement, but I believe that there was a kernel of truth in there, because you're always saying, (whiny voice) "What's the big deal with Facebook? What's the big deal with Guardians of the Galaxy?"
Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Maddox: Well, here's what you said…well, this is just from a number of episodes. Here you go.
(Dick: "Whoa, everyone slow the fuck down. Didn't that sound like bullshit?"
Dick: "I'm so fuckin' pissed off. (grins)
Dick: So suck it up! Shut the fuck up! That's crazy!!!
(Maddox and Dick laughing live)
Dick: These chickenshit, nutless, Dick Versus Dick, out of context horseshit bits that …you're like a fuckin' child! Fuck you!!!
(Maddox still laughing)
Dick: I am so pissed off!
Dick: Just it existing would bring my blood pressure down!!!!
Dick: 50 years of comic book movies! WHO FUCKING CARES!!!!
Dick: I'll try it. I gotta go read that book again.
Maddox: Siddhartha, huh? Is that what you recommended to read?
Dick: Yeah, Siddhartha. Maybe I'll read the sequel.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Let's uh, let's get to the problems. My first problem this week is loud muffler douchebags.
Maddox: (clapping sound effect) Yeah. Loud muffler douchebags is my problem. So Dick, I think that it's important to note what the definition of a muffler is. Okay? (Dick laughs) This is literally from the dictionary: it's "a tubular acoustic device inserted in the exhaust system that is designed to reduce noise." (slowly for emphasis) So by definition, any time a car or motorcycle sounds loud, their muffling system is defective!! It's supposed to suppress sound by design, you fucking tools! (yelling)
Maddox: That's why it's called a "muffler"! It MUFFLES NOISE. It has ONE job to do, and if you disable it or modify it so it no longer works, congratulations! You no longer have a muffler. It doesn't take a genius to modify a car to sound louder. Case in point, Dick: there's this guy on YouTube...it's a video called "Drilled holes in muffler." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8TBE-VhRTY] (laughs) 'Kay? It's a guy who owns a 1998 Ford Escort, and he's tryin' to make it sound louder.
Maddox: The description of the video reads -- and I'll be reading this to you with all the typos intact...
Maddox: ..."I got tired of hearning nothing..." (Dick and Sean laugh) "I got tired of hearning nothing but engine so i devided to drill holes in my muffler. Its alot cheaper than putting an exhaust system on." 'Kay?
Dick: (chuckling) That's true, there's not much cheaper than...drilling a hole in things.
Maddox: Yeah. Here's an excerpt from the video. [plays clip from muffler video]
Man filming: (in Southern accent) I have holes drilled into my muffler. (sniffs loudly) For louder...loudness. Um, it's cheaper than goin' and spendin'...you know, 250 dollars on a, you know, exhaust system.
Maddox: "Uhh, you know, uh..." (flimsy, dumb voice)
Man filming: You can get, you know, in your front...
Maddox: "You know..."
Man filming: ...or back yard. ..
Man filming: ...dependin'...you know.
Maddox: "You know."
Man filming: Where you park your car, and uh...
Man filming: ...you know, it takes but you know, only like 20 minutes if you...
Maddox: "You know." [clip ends] (laughs) And the video looks like shit. He's under his car showing his muffler, it just looks like SHIT.
Dick: Is that an instructional on how to drill holes in your muffler? (amused)
Maddox: I guess! It doesn't even show him drilling holes in the muffler. Here's another excerpt from the video, listen to this. [ plays second clip from muffler video] This is what it sounds like.
(sound of car starting and engine idling)
Maddox: So why is this a problem, Dick?
Dick: It's 'cause it sounds like my apartment.
Maddox: (chuckling) Your...
Dick: It's all -- yeah!
Maddox: ...your apartment sounds like this?
Dick: Yes! I live right off Hollywood, it sounds awful.
Dick: This is what it sounds like.
(man in video starts revving his engine, drowning out Maddox and Dick's voices)
Dick: Between these assholes, with this...
Maddox: I'm sorry! (pretending not to hear)
Dick: ...cruising up and down -
Dick: - all day, and the -
Maddox: I can't hear you!
Dick: - police showing off their stupid helicopters all night!
Dick: It's impossible to sleep! (revving sound continues) (raises voice) I've had chicks not wanna come over a second time -
Dick: - because of how loud my apartment is. This fuckin' horseshit!!
Maddox: WHAT? (laughs)
Dick: When my...it takes my dog like a week to normalize when she comes over to my house.
Sean: THAT'S the reason they don't wanna come over a second time? (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Shut the fuck up, Sean. At least I don't reek like weed, you asshole.
Maddox: Whoa! (laughs with Dick)
Sean: I haven't smoked in years.
Maddox: Oh. Sean's fired!
Sean: My equipment was stored in an improper area. (Dick and Maddox laugh harder)
[muffler video stops]
Maddox: Sean, Walter White over here. Yeah...yeah Dick, that's why this horseshit is a problem. You can't fucking hear anything, chicks won't come over to your apartment, you can't get laid or procreate!
Dick: Whoa whoa whoa, I can get laid.
Maddox: Well. (skeptical) (both laugh)
Dick: Settle down. (smiling) Um...there's a worse version of this, though.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: You think you hate these guys?
Maddox: I do!
Dick: There was a trend a while back where guys would put whistles on their mufflers.
Dick: Did you ever see that one?
Dick: Like, they'd put...it was like a giant metal reed that they would attach to the end of the muffler, and it would be like 110 decibels, something ridiculous like that.
Maddox: Yeah. Right. You...congratulations, you made noise.
Maddox: Something that BABIES do, literally day one of their life. They make noise. This guy goes on, Dick. This guy's a real moron. Listen to this guy. Listen to the way he...he talks. Listen to this. [plays another clip from muffler video]
Man filming: Press the 'like' button down at the bottom, and uh...if I get, you know, a good amount of views, likes, and subscribers, I'll uh... (sniffs loudly)I'll upload some more cool tricks that you can do to your car...
Maddox: Oh! (flatly)
Man filming: ...and some other cool videos.
Maddox: Don't forget to like and subscribe!
Dick: Like speed holes?
Maddox: Yeah. Listen to this part.
Man filming: I uh, got alotta ideas that you can do... (sniffs loudly) ...with, uh...(sniffs) ...some car, you... (hocks phlegm and spits onto the ground)
Dick: Oh, god. (disgusted) (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah! "So if you guys, uh, if you guys like this video..." (pretends to hock and spit) (laughs more) "Don't forget to subscribe!"
Dick: Vote it up.
Maddox: "Vote up! Hold on, let me get some phlegm out of my mouth." (Dick giggles) IDIOT.
Dick: Yeah. They want attention, right? Is that what it is? They just want attention?
Maddox: I...I guess!
Dick: They're not...they're not clever enough to get it like you do.
Dick: They have to do -
Maddox: (interjects) With a podcast.
Dick: They have to have loud...yeah. They have to have loud mufflers.
Maddox: And can you believe that that costs less than 250 dollars to install? (mocking)
Dick: Drilling holes in your car? (Maddox laughs) Yeah!
Maddox: Drilling holes in your car... (cracking up)
Dick: I can believe that. (grinning)
Maddox: In your...
Dick: That seems like a lot!
Maddox: ...1998 Ford Escort. Hey, um, here's some -
Dick: (interjects) Pretty big problem!
Maddox: Yeah! Pretty big problem, right?
Dick: It's a pretty big problem, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! And anyone who doesn't think so... (plays sound of engine idling from video) ...just needs to talk over this horseshit! (Dick cackles) Any time you go to a restaurant or cafe, you're havin' a nice conversation, and some guy with a small penis drives by in his Harley...
Maddox: ...revvin' up his engine! Okay, we get it, guy! We get it, cowboy. Here's the thing: you're drivin' by at fuckin' 50 miles an hour with your loud horseshit motorcycle, no one knows who you are, no one can see you; all we see is the back of your stupid skullcap which, by the way, offers minimal protection to your dumbass head! (engine sounds still playing) Because apparently there's nothing to protect in the first place.
Dick: Ehh... (skeptical)
Maddox: These morons!
Dick: Wearing helmets sucks, though.
Dick: Wearing a helmet sucks.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)
Dick: Feels good not wearing a helmet.
Maddox: Okay, Dick.
Dick: Feel the breeze in your hair.
(engine starts to rev loudly)
Maddox: I'm sorry, what?
Dick: Feel like Major Kong -
Dick: - riding the bomb into Russia.
Maddox: WHAT? (laughs) I'm sorry, some IDIOT was driving by with his...with a small penis! (engine sounds continue) I mean, listen to this!!
Dick: It's really annoying. (engine sounds finally stop)
Maddox: Yeah. It's super annoying. I was gonna play that on and on. I got like 2-3 minutes of that, but it annoys me so much. Um...Dick, here's some statistics.
Maddox: Zero percent of chicks think your economy sedan wins races. (cracks up) Because it's loud. (Sean laughs in the background) Zero percent!
Dick: Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!
Dick: Um...I remember a study that found how much...how turned on women get (Maddox laughs) depending on what engine they're listening to!
Dick: This was a real thing! And Maserati won. And I don't think Maserati did the study, but they compared, like, luxury cars?
Maddox: Uh-huh. (skeptical)
Dick: So I don't know if what you're saying is factual! I think -- I don't know where you got that survey that said zero percent of chicks think, uh...are turned on by these cars, but I think they might be!
Maddox: Dick, where...? This sounds like bullshit, this study. What would they do, just like -
Dick: (interjects) It's just something I remembered!! I don't know where it was!
Maddox: Ohokay! (laughing)
Dick: It was on the Internet, it was interesting! I was like, "Huh! Maserati. You don't say."
Maddox: Yeah. Sounds as reliable as a Truther. What do they, go around with cotton swabs and dab their panties after they listen to engine noises?? Like, how the fuck can they tell how turned on a chick is?!
Dick: That's a good question, I don't know.
Maddox: How...by the way, how do you tell in general? I don't know! (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. (smirks) (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: I have no fuckin' idea, man. It's like a...just a black box. Um, here's more statistics: you can modify your Honda Civic to go faster than a stock BMW. This is something that Civic owners ALWAYS say: (stupid voice) "Oh man, my...my, uh, modified Civic goes faster than a stock BMW," or Mercedes or whatever, right?
Maddox: Whatever sports car you want. But zero percent of people who can afford a luxury car give a shit, because their car is worth more than your entire fucking house. Right? They could simply buy the stupid car that you have AND the mods if they wanted to. Newsflash: they don't! (yelling) You don't see Richard Branson driving around, Elon Musk, or Notch driving around town in shitty modified Honda Civics! They don't give a fuck, because they can afford to buy real sports cars.
Dick: Yeah. What are your thoughts on muscle cars? Like classic cars, then? 'Cause they're quite loud.
Maddox: They're loud!
Dick: And showy.
Dick: But they're AWESOME! I hate these little rice rockets too, but I *love* American muscle cars, dude.
Maddox: (chuckling) Rice rockets. So a buddy of mine -
Dick: (interjects) Is that not...is that an offensive term?
Maddox: Yes! (laughs) Would you call a Mexican-made car a "bean rocket"?
(Dick laughs) Or uh, a Thai-based car a "coconut rocket"?? Like, what would you...where do you... (cracks up)
Dick: I mean, I...I WOULD. Not on this podcast. (both laugh more)
Maddox: I think you just did, buddy. Um...yeah, dude -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, get over it!! Is that...is that that bad? (grinning)
Maddox: No, I'm just bustin' your balls.
Maddox: 'Cause I don't give a shit. Um, listen, man. Muscle cars, yeah. They're...they're loud -- look, they don't have to be so loud and obnoxious. I think that by design, if that's how they were built? Fine! If they didn't have the muffler technology back then, which they probably didn't, 'cause there are a lot of defects in muscle cars. Like they're powerful cars, sure!
Maddox: But they're not as efficient in MANY ways, especially fuel efficiency.
Dick: Eh, I like the sound though.
Sean: Well, back in the day they didn't have catalytic converters.
Sean: Those choke off alotta sound too.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true! That's true, Sean. I dunno, yeah, I guess they're cool.
Dick: What do you want, everything to be electric? Driving around like "vrrrrrrrrr..." (imitating quiet hum of an electric car) Nobody can hear anything?
Dick: Like some weird, uh, little kid's playset?
Maddox: I mean, that'd be ideal, yes.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah, you...next time you have a mid-life crisis and your penis is too small, don't make us listen to it.
Maddox: That's all I'm asking.
Dick: So you can sit at lunch and brunch, and have your tea and peace and quiet. (Maddox chuckles) And have a good conversation with NOT me. (laughs with Sean)
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. What, what, you're saying I'm some kind of a snob because I want to enjoy my lunch without this? ( plays sound of engine idling from video) (Dick cackles) Constantly in my fucking ear?? Rattling my fillings in my mouth? Is that what you... (cracks up) ...what you're suggesting, Dick?
Dick: It is comforting! It's starting to get comforting, this sound.
Maddox: Great! I'll play it the rest of the fuckin' episode.
Maddox: You know what? We're gonna play it the rest of this fuckin' podcast! Every single episode from now on. Sean, I'm just gonna send this to you. Just loop it into everything. (engine sounds still playing) There you go, Dick. Enjoy. Play it right over everything Dick says from now on.
Maddox: Shit drives me nuts. (engine sounds stop) Fuck off with that noise. (muttering)
Dick: Do you have a lot of them over here? On this side of town? Do you have a lot of those guys?
Maddox: Not as much, but occasionally. And it's usually right when I'm saying something important during lunch. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: They just...they have this way of knowing right when I'm comin' to the THESIS of what I'm saying. Right?
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: 'Cause I'm always orating. At lunch -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah. No, I know. (teasing) (both laugh)
Maddox: What a smug fuckin' smartass attitude you got here, Dick!
Dick: 'Cause it's like...you're describing, like, a sitcom.
Dick: Where you reach the end of your, um...I think maybe they heard you and they're just like, "Alright, just shut up. I'm tired of this oration."
Maddox: Oh, and they just drive by and just rev their engines for me, huh?
Maddox: I even watched -- there's a YouTube video of a loud muffler contest, and all these Harleys and, you know, motorcycles are lined up, and the announcer is getting visibly annoyed by these assholes! They keep revving up the engines while he's giving instructions on how they should rev up their engines!
Maddox: And then he'll wait because it'll take a minute, because one dickhead will rev it up and ANOTHER dickhead has to rev it up, 'cause it becomes this giant fuckin' audio pissing contest! (yelling)
Maddox: "Oh, vroom vroom vroom! Here we go!" (Dick laughs) "Let's all...let's all fuckin' rev up our engines!" And then one person dies down and another person revs up, it never fuckin' ends! Then 2 minutes later the announcer goes, "Thank you for that." (Dick cackles loudly) 'Can I just explain the fucking rules??' It's a 6-minute video for like, a 10-second contest. (Dick laughs more)
Maddox: 'Cause of these MORONS. (switches to stupid voice) "Huh-huh! Huh, yeah! Huh, LOUD! Whuuuh, LOUDER! HUUUUH!" Idiot. (Sean chuckles in the background) There's a website called Moneysupermarket.com, and it's actually surprisingly well researched. There's a ton of info on this. The most common reason people modify their cars is not to make it more functional, such as installing sunroofs or air conditioning, parking sensors, et cetera, but for performance and aesthetic reasons. Modifications to engine and mechanics can increase your insurance rate by up to 160 percent, Dick. And all aesthetic modifications combined, including tinted windows, spoilers, and bodykit panels, can increase your insurance by as much as 334 percent! [http://www.moneysupermarket.com/car-insurance/blog/car-modifications-car-insurance-prices/ ]
Dick: Well, you know I hate car insurance!
Maddox: Well, it sounds like car insurance isn't the problem necessarily. I mean, it's exacerbated by body modifications.
Dick: So what should these guys do? How are they gonna deal with their tiny penises though?
Maddox: I suggest they fuck off.
Dick: Well, alright.
Maddox: They should start fucking off and then KEEP fucking off.
Maddox: For the rest of their lives.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, I dunno, man! You're born with a small penis, do you have to announce it to the world?? (Dick laughs) Every time you drive by? So, the most modified cars -- I just have a couple of stats here, and then I'm done.
Maddox: The most modified cars: number one is the Mazda RX7, and the things that people modify the most are alloy wheels and the exhaust system. Toyota Supra's number two, number three is the Nissan Skyline, and number four -- this is one I didn't suspect, but it's the Mini. And they're all alloy wheels -
Maddox: - number one, and exhaust, number two.
Dick: Was the Scion on that list?
Maddox: No, the Scion was not on this list.
Dick: I find those things repugnant. Scions.
Maddox: Yeah, they're ugly cars. I almost bought one even though I hate the way they look and function, because they get REALLY good gas mileage. Those stupid boxy Scion xB's or whatever?
Maddox: They have a lot of storage space, and they're really...they get really good gas mileage because they're very weak engines. I almost bought that because when I was shipping a lot of stuff through my online store, I would take packages to the airport or whatever, but.
Dick: I did know that about the Skyline, 'cause that was my car for uh, Grand...uh, Gran Turismo? Remember that game? Gran Turismo?
Maddox: Yeah, I remember Gran Turismo, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, I had a real suped up Skyline.
Dick: It was badass.
Dick: I would sit in my apartment, turn up the speakers and rev it up. (Maddox laughs) "Rrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrr!" (laughs) Put 'em against the walls. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Well. (plays sound of engine idling from video) There you go, Dick.
Maddox: Real cool! (sarcastic)
Dick: Are you done? That's a good problem!
Maddox: Yeah. Loud Muffler Doucheba-...LOUD MUFFLER DOUCHEBAGS. (raising voice over engine sounds)
Dick: I think I gotcha beat, though!
Maddox: Yeah, what's your problem, Dick? (engine sounds stop)
Maddox: What...the hell is a bro-down? (cracking up)
Dick: You know what a bro-down is?
Dick: I looked at...I looked up Urban Dictionary, to see if they agreed with me?
Dick: On what a bro-down was? And they don't.
Maddox: Hm'kay. (chuckling)
Dick: Uh, but that's never stopped me before.
Dick: I... (stammers) I don't think Urban Dictionary is accurate in its...in ALL of its slang.
Dick: It is in a lot, but then it seems a little silly at times.
Maddox: Well yeah, 'cause anyone can edit it. It's like Wikipedia. You know, the source that you use for most of your arguments? (wryly) (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (cracks up) You're right, that's not nearly as good as wikiHow. (derisively) Right?
Maddox: Hey! (laughs) Hey, shut up! (laughs more) Alright. So what's a bro-down, Dick?
Dick: A bro-down, a bro-down...um, I'll tell you a little story. Tell you what a bro-down is.
Dick: I was at a...I was at a house party.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: With you.
Maddox: I know THIS story. (laughing)
Dick: ...I was at a house party, about halfway, maybe three quarters of the way through a bottle of Wild Turkey. Alright?
Dick: So if my...if my, uh, interpretation of events -- if my recollection of events starts to deviate, please tell me if that's the case. Alright?
Maddox: I will, Dick. I'll call you on it.
Dick: 'Cause you were there for most of this.
Maddox: Yeah. I was.
Dick: Yeah. Simple little house party. Party's dying down, we're in the backyard. And, uh, an altercation was started.
Maddox: (splutters) Wha...?! Uh, alright. Okay, already: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: Ha! Okay.
Maddox: (laughing) Dick, *was* the altercation started? (Dick tries not to laugh) Did it just spontaneously happen?!
Dick: You know, some -- who knows! (Maddox bursts out laughing) With these things! Sometimes altercations are just in the ether. And someone happens to discover it FIRST...is it really their fault?
Maddox: Yeah. (dying from laughter)
Dick: For finding the altercation before the other person? It was in the ether. (gleeful)
Maddox: It was in the ether! The altercation was just THERE!
Maddox: And we just stumbled upon it.
Dick: We just stumbled -- you AND I!
Maddox: Oh, you -
Dick: (interjects) You AND I stumbled upon this altercation.
Maddox: Don't drag me into this, bozo! Who started this altercation?
Dick: Okay. (amused) (Maddox giggles) YOU be the judge.
Dick: You...you know. Listeners be the judge of who's -- who, quote unquote, "started" this.
Dick: There was a...there was a beer pong table in the backyard that had been used all night. The party was dead, it was dying. Right?
Maddox: It was winding down.
Dick: Yeah. Winding down.
Dick: And there was a beer pong table that was covered in half-full beers.
Dick: Those little Solo cups. Right?
Maddox: You're an optimist! (laughs)
Dick: Hey! How 'bout that?? (excited)
Dick: How 'bout that, Angelo's mom? (Maddox laughs more) Not such a bad guy, I'm an optimist!
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You are a jackass!") (cracks up)
Dick: Oh. She's gonna love this story. So, beer pong table covered in, uh, beery Solo cups. And I think -- I'm sitting there with my dog and my bottle of whiskey, and I think, "Man..." Sitting next to an orange tree, and I think, "Man, wouldn't it be really funny if somebody threw an orange at all of these Solo cups and they, like, shot everywhere?"
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Like bowling, except also...exploding drinks everywhere.
Maddox: And also at the behest of a huge asshole. But yes, go on.
Dick: Like, "Wouldn't it be funny if it happened?" And then suddenly I was *doing* it. (Maddox bursts out laughing) Right? (cracks up)
Maddox: Whoa whoa, Dick! You're skippin' an important piece here. You turned to me and you said -
Dick: (interjects) Nonono, that...oh, you came out before I did the first one. Er, you came out after I did the first one.
Maddox: No, I was there for all of 'em!
Dick: Oh, you were THERE!
Maddox: Yeah! I was there!
Maddox: You drunk asshole, I was sittin' right next to you!
Dick: Okay, well what did I...what did I say?
Maddox: You, you turned to me... (giggling)
Dick: This is great! We're all learning stuff. (grinning) I'm learning my own story!
Maddox: Yeah. You turned to me and you said, "Hey man, you think I could hit those, uh, those cups from here?" And I said, "Yes, Dick." And you go... (both crack up) ..."Let's see!"
Dick: "Let's see!!" (gleeful) "Let's see if you're RIGHT!"
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: So, I could.
Dick: I COULD hit the cups.
Maddox: You threw it, yeah. (about to laugh)
Dick: I threw the orange, and like, I dunno, probably 10 cups go splattering everywhere. Right?
Dick: As it turns out, these dumb guys happened to be standing kinda close to these cups.
Maddox: And I... (stammers)
Dick: They each had a date. It was two guys and two girls. Right?
Maddox: Was it? I thought it was...it was two guys and ONE girl. (Dick gasps) He was the third wheel!
Dick: Oh, you're RIGHT!!
Maddox: That's what it was!
Dick: You're RIGHT! That -
Maddox: You drunk ass. (teasing)
Dick: - this gets even better!
Maddox: Yeah! And I don't even think any -
Dick: (interjects) I only see women in doubles when I'm drunk. (breaking into a grin)
Maddox: You -- yeah. Yeah. Of course.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't even think any beer splashed on him, by the way.
Dick: Ohh, no! Nononono, definitely not. 'Cause I...like, even in my drunk state, I *thought* they were far away.
Dick: Like, I thought they were far enough away. I thought this was a safe move.
Maddox: Yeah! It was!
Maddox: You surprisingly were less of an asshole than usual. But yes.
Dick: I don't wanna splatter beer all over people!
Maddox: No! You're not... (cracks up) You're not -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, I have been ejected from...Dodger Stadium for doing that. (Maddox chuckles) But that's a different story. I learned my lesson.
Maddox: Yeah! You -
Dick: (interjects) I didn't wanna get this guy wet!
Maddox: You're not a...you're not a jerk; you're a dick!
Dick: Thank you!
Dick: So, I throw the orange, beer shoots everywhere...and it was awesome!
Dick: It was as cool as I thought it would be, right?
Maddox: Pretty funny -- yeah! It was pretty cool.
Dick: Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Dick: Right? It was cooler than sitting there doing nothing.
Maddox: It was cooler than nothing, yes. (dryly)
Dick: Right. Okay. (smiling)
Maddox: I'll give you that, Dick. (chuckling)
Dick: So then I was like, "Oh man, I gotta do that again. That was cool." Right? Is that accurate?
Maddox: Well, before that, you -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, so this is when he...
Dick: ...this is when the altercation was found. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It was STUMBLED upon.
Dick: This is when the altercation *appeared.*
Dick: The wild altercation appeared.
Maddox: Like a Pokemon. (amused)
Dick: And this guy turns to me, and -- what did he call me, a..."stupid motherfucker," and this and that?
Maddox: "HEY, you stupid motherfucker!" (angrily)
Dick: Yeah! "Hey, you asshole! What are you doing throwing oranges?"
Maddox: Yeah, I think he said "asshole." Yeah.
Dick: So he said, "I...I demand an apology!" (Maddox inhales thoughtfully)
Maddox: Uh -
Dick: (interjects) He said "I want an apology," didn't he?
Maddox: That was the SECOND one, Dick!
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Get to the second orange!
Maddox: The first one, he said "Hey! What the fuck is your problem?!" And you say "Uh, I dunno, man!" And he goes, "Don't do that again!!"
Dick: Ohh -- oh, THAT was the mistake.
Maddox: So that's where we left off. That was... (cracks up) ...the mistake.
Dick: So I...so I do it again.
Dick: Immediately. (grinning)
Maddox: He grabs an orange off the tree and throws it before he could, like, almost finish the sentence. It was already on the table.
Dick: I mean, you HAVE to!
Maddox: Well, of course. (about to laugh)
Dick: When people say...when people say with no authority to NOT do something that is fun and cool?
Dick: And everyone's looking at it? You have to do it again!
Dick: And he -- just step to the side!
Dick: I didn't get him wet. If I had gotten him wet, he woulda said, "You got beer all over me."
Maddox: He probably woulda said that, yeah.
Dick: Yeah! He...so he obviously didn't.
Dick: I was right in thinking that.
Dick: He coulda just moved over.
Dick: I've...I have a BOTTLE of whiskey in my HAND.
Dick: You're *reasoning* with this person?!
Maddox: Yeah. He's an idiot, right.
Dick: Okay? He's...that is...that's the idiot!
Maddox: He's the idiot! I'm with you, dude.
Dick: Okay! Thank you.
Dick: And you were that night, 'cause you were laughing like an asshole...
Maddox: Oh, of course. (amused)
Dick: ...at this point.
Maddox: I couldn't stop.
Dick: When I did it again.
Maddox: It was hilarious.
Dick: So he turns around and starts losing his shit! Saying, uh, basically the same -- basically reiterating his point, and then adding: "I want an apology!"
Maddox: Yeah! He said -
Dick: (interjects) "I want an apology outta you!"
Maddox: He said "What the FUCK'S your problem?! I thought I TOLD you..." (shouting)
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: "...not to throw another ORANGE!!" He got really aggressive at this point, and his friends are kinda lookin' at us, and lookin' -- everyone's gettin' really tense now. And he turns and says -
Dick: (interjects) Except for me. (cackles loudly)
Maddox: Yeah, except for you, of course. (smiling) Except for you, the unflappable drunk asshole. (mocking) And so he turns and says, "I want you to fuckin' apologize, right now!!"
Dick: And this is -- I wanna re-do it. I wanna try to re-do it. I don't know if I can, 'cause it was so...it was so funny when I did it, it's hard to recreate. But say that again.
Maddox: Okay. "You better apologize, right now!" (shouting)
Dick: "...Sorry." (flatly)
Maddox: Yep! That was about it. (laughs loudly)
Dick: That was about it! And then it was just dead silence, right?
Dick: Because you never expect THAT!
Maddox: Oh, yeah that -
Dick: (interjects) Like, these guys never just expect you to do what they say to do.
Dick: 'Cause you can't apologize, 'cause that, like, 'questions your manhood.' (jokingly macho voice) Right?
Maddox: Yeah, and he doesn't what an asshole, insincere prick you are. 'Cause you NEVER mean an apology.
Maddox: The non-apology king right here!
Maddox: Yeah! So, so immediately he was like, "Well, uh...uh, okay then!"
Maddox: "Well, don't do it again!" (stupidly aggressive voice) "Better not do it again!"
Dick: Well -- see?? I might not have done it again!
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: But he's gotta keep...gotta keep piling on. Right?
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Dick: So he turns around, and I have -- I would say I have decent comedic timing.
Maddox: Well... (laughs heartily)
Dick: I wait until it's...I wait until it's as funny as I think it will be. And I grab another orange, of course, 'cause I'm like, "Alright, I can't just do it right away. 'Cause then it makes me seem like I really want this." You know?
Dick: "I gotta really let it...let it die down."
Maddox: Well. You turned to US and asked for our opinion, Dick! Do you remember this?
Dick: Right! Yes. I do.
Dick: I don't remember what I said, though.
Maddox: Okay. (amused) You turned to me first and you said, "Uhh, should I throw another one?" (Dick laughs hysterically) And I...(cracks up) And I just kinda shrug, and I think, "Uh, I dunno, man. It'd be pretty funny, but he seems pretty worked up." Then there was this guy -
Dick: (interjects) At this point, if I don't get a 'no' -- like an emphatic 'no' -- I'm doin' it. Right? That's what's goin' on in my mind when this is happening.
Dick: I'm telling you.
Maddox: And then you turned to your left, and there was this British guy sittin' there just, like, comfortably. (Dick laughs more) Like, cozily sipping a beer, casually just sitting there.
Dick: He had a good show!
Maddox: Yeah! He's just watching, and he kinda -- you turned to him and said, "Hey man, what do you think? Should I throw this orange?" And he kinda shrugs and goes, "I don't know." (imitating an English accent) (both laugh) And then, we're sittin' there debating whether or not we should throw the orange.
Maddox: And you're like, "Oh, should I?" And I can SEE in the background -- you're not payin' attention, but I noticed the guy. He's like, gettin' worked up, he's gettin' into -
Dick: (interjects) Right!
Maddox: Yeah! Super...what's the, uh, with the Dragon Ball Z guy?
Dick: Uh, again...
Maddox: Super S-...yeah. Well, whatever.
Dick: ...I don't, I don't know the -- Gohan?? Is that a thing?
Maddox: Yeah, Super Sauron? No no, what's that...
Dick: Super Saiyan?
Maddox: Super Saiyan! Yeah, he's like, gettin' Super Saiyan. Right?
Dick: Yeah, he's...
Maddox: So, so -
Dick: (interjects) So that's the guy whose hair shoots up when he goes like, "AAAARRGHH!"
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: Okay, I know that guy.
Maddox: Yeah. 'Ameyameka,' or whatever the thing is. So then (cracks up) our other buddy comes out, and you said -- he's a good friend of ours! And you turned to him...and he's kind of like a fatherly figure. He has this, like, fatherly affect about him. So he comes out, and you turn to him and you say, "Hey man, think I should throw this orange?" And he kinda -
Dick: (interjects) And he...knowing that he's seen nothing of what's transpired so far. (smiling)
Dick: Like, just setting him up, 'cause I thought it'd be funny.
Maddox: Yeah. And he kinda sheepishly says -- like, shrugs 'no.' And then, right -
Dick: (interjects) So I...no, while this is happening, I'm looking at that threesome.
Dick: And there's this dude who's -- like, the one guy...the one guy who's flippin' out already has, like...he looks like a neckbeard. Right?
Dick: Like he's got a big stupid beard...he has a -
Maddox: (interjects) He literally has a neckbeard!
Dick: Yeah! Yeah, yeah. His other guy is like a trim, fit guy in a motorcycle jacket who looks like a badass. Right? The guy with the girl. Was that accurate?
Maddox: Ohh, that guy with the -
Dick: (interjects) The greaser-lookin' guy.
Maddox: That was a cool motorcycle jacket, yeah.
Dick: Yeah! That guy looked fuckin' cool!
Dick: So, I'm...I make eye contact with him, holding this orange in my hand, and I'm like, "Eh?" (suggestively) Like, looked at him. (Maddox laughs) He just goes...he tries not to look...he tries not show any expression on his face but he just kind of, like, shakes his head.
Dick: Right? Like, "Okay, dude. That's...that's a buy-in. I got a buy-in from you." So, clearly... (Maddox laughs more) ...clearly this isn't gonna go TOO far south if I do. So once our friend comes out -- the fatherly guy -- and shrugs, I'm like, "Yeah!" I throw it. (Maddox bursts out laughing) I lob this orange, and it...it pockets like Tin Cup into one of these Solo cups and fuckin' EXPLODES. Is that accurate? It destroyed -- like, it hit...it hit pockets of cups that I didn't even know there was. Like it felt like a video game, when they crashed and went smashing all over the table?
Maddox: Yeah, pretty funny. You didn't splash him still, though.
Dick: Oh, still! No, of course not.
Dick: So... (cracks up) So I'm dying of laughter at this point 'cause of the tension. Like that...you know. That, like...
Maddox: Right. (chuckling)
Dick: ...tension that usually gives people anxiety. I'm like...I love it. I started laughing. I just hear, "THAT'S IT!!" (both laugh loudly) And this guy, this guy comes fucking STORMING over like, uh, like a bushwhacker... (Maddox laughs hysterically) Like, uh, like the beginning of Donkey Kong, right? Throwing his -- I'm throwing my fists up in the air, like back and forth over here. You can't see, but I'm throwing it up like a gorilla! Right?
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: Like this big silverback gorilla. And he comes SCREAMING over at me, "THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT, YOU WANNA GO?? YOU WANNA GO?" (Maddox laughs) And of course I don't wanna go! Like I've...I've achieved maximum enjoyment of this.
Maddox: You've already gone.
Dick: I've gone! I've already come.
Maddox: You're, you're...you're spent. Yeah.
Maddox: You've come... (breaks down laughing)
Dick: So he gets in my face and starts like, you know...trying to, like, rub his nipples on mine, I guess! Which is what guys -- THIS is a bro-down.
Dick: This right here is the bro-down. He gets his chest out, right? And he starts smushing it against me, and I've...I've got a BOTTLE of whiskey in one hand and the leash of a DOG in the other hand.
Dick: And he's losing his FUCKIN' mind. So I start keeling over with laughter, right? You guys are -- I don't know if you're trying to get involved at this point?
Maddox: Aw, no -- yeah, I was just sittin' back. I'm like, "Well, I wanna see this asshole get punched." (laughs)
Dick: Oh, yeah! Meaning either me or him, I don't know!
Maddox: Yeah, he's puffin' up his chest like a dullard!
Dick: Like he's gonna do something!
Maddox: Like rubbing...rubbing his NIPPLES on you, which is...
Dick: Rubbing nipples together!!
Maddox: ...which is an aggressive move!
Dick: That's what a bro-down is.
Dick: You try to rub your nipples against the other guy's nipples until one of you cums, I guess! I don't know, (Maddox laughs) 'cause it NEVER comes to blows!
Maddox: (idiotic macho voice) "Hey bruh, what are you...?"
Dick: "Bro, what do you think of these nipples??" (same stupid aggressive voice) (laughs)
Maddox: "Why'd you do that? Why'd you throw that orange?" (barely intelligible) "Why'd you throw that orange, bro? I'll challenge you off 'til you apologize! Huuuh??"
Dick: "How tender are YOUR nipples, bro?" (Maddox laughs) "My nipples are tender as shit! My nipples are hard as shit, man! I won't c-..." So, this guy is doing this and I'm, I'm keeling over with laughter. 'Cause -
Maddox: (interjects) You're...yeah, you're DOUBLED OVER...
Dick: Doubled over, literally.
Maddox: ...laughing! Yeah.
Dick: Drunker than HELL. Uh, and...he's like, "Why don't you stand up and fight me like a man?!" (Maddox laughs robustly) "Stand up and...you're such a bitch! You're such a pussy!" And I'm like, "I...I can't. I can't. I can't. I gotta..." These guys get involved at this point. They're like, "Okay, okay. You're...you are a huge asshole." (giggling)
Maddox: Yeah. (about to laugh)
Dick: Whattaya *doing*? Like, whattaya doing. (exasperated)
Maddox: Well, you didn't mention that he pushed you at this point!
Dick: OH, yeah!
Maddox: So he's trying to provoke you into a fight, and THAT'S when you were doubled over laughing, because he pushed you (cracks up) and you couldn't control your laughter.
Dick: Ahh, I can't. (grinning)
Maddox: So...and you wouldn't -
Dick: I just can't.
Maddox: - you wouldn't take the bait. And so after he pushed you I walked over to this guy and I said, "Okay, man, take it easy. He's drunk, he's an idiot." (Dick laughs loudly) "Just let him go." You're trying to -- again -
Dick: (interjects) Idiot like a fox! (laughs harder)
Maddox: Again, Dick, you're trying to reason with a drunk idiot. Don't...you can't reason with drunk people! You just ignore them and avoid them! They're loose cannons. You don't know what they'll do. They'll probably stab you with a broken whiskey bottle, as you could have done. (cracking up) But -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!!
Maddox: Well...yeah. I mean, you're a DICK...you're -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, you shove me back? "Whoops! I just, uh, broke this whiskey bottle. Oops!" Two Mr. Magoo, Mr. Bean slips, and this guy just lost his -
Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You are a SHIT head!") (laughs) What a shithead.
Dick: That's my problem; it's bro-downs. Because this happens *all* the fuckin' time.
Dick: And it's embarrassing to me as a man to see men doing this. It's shameful. What are you DOING. Why are you putting on this big, retarded display over...over Solo cups?
Maddox: Yeah...I dunno, Dick. It sounds like the problem was you being a drunk idiot. (cracking up)
Dick: Yeah, but this happens all the time without me! And usually there's some OTHER moron on the other side of this who ALSO wants to get his nipples in on the action. (Maddox laughs) And then it turns into a -- it never turns into a fight! Excuse me. It never turns into a fight; it's just a big, weird...DANCE.
Maddox: No -
Dick: That guys do!
Maddox: Yeah... (unsure)
Maddox: Yeah, you know, Dick? That's true to an extent. Because if you mess with the wrong crowd...like, in Los Angeles, there are gangs! Right? There are gang members. And sometimes they got their homies, and they're cowards! They don't wanna fight one-on-one, so they'll get all their buddies to jump in on ya, and then you're fucked! 'Cause one of 'em's gonna fight dirty and stab ya.
Dick: Sure! Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! (laughing) Well, that's...that's what you're settin' yourself up for.
Dick: What's your, what's your...? That's why it's a problem, you're saying.
Maddox: Well, the problem of course is the drunk idiot. Not the bro-down -- look, the bro-down's a problem -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but this is like...look, this is like, if you get run into the wrong way on the *subway.*
Dick: There's gonna be a bro-down. It's like, when did...when did guys turn into these mafioso wannabe gangsters that, like, they need to be respected at all times?
Maddox: I think since -
Dick: (interjects) When did that happen?
Maddox: Since the beginning, Dick. Guys have always been that way. (chuckling)
Dick: You don't think it's getting worse?
Maddox: Uh, it COULD be. No, I think it's gettin', it's gettin' better! Dick, here's another...here's another impromptu Dick Versus Dick.
Maddox: Weren't you saying a couple episodes back that it's impossible to provoke someone into a fight? Nobody wants to fight anymore?
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: Well, this guy tried!
Dick: They just wanna...they just wanna put on this spectacle!
Maddox: No, but this guy tried!
Dick: In front of all their friends!
Maddox: You didn't take the bait. (smiling) This guy tried.
Dick: Dude, if he wanted to fight me, he woulda just walked over and hit me. That's a fight! That's how you start a fight. You don't come in with nipples blazing. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: He did -
Dick: (interjects) Trying to nipple sword-fight me.
Maddox: Look, he did shove you! That's a provocation. You actually had the justification for self-defense.
Dick: Ugh, yeah, I...please. (dismissively)
Maddox: That's assault, man!
Dick: Get outta here. It is, but it's...it's not a fight. It's a -- what is it? Do we have to, like...is it like foreplay of fighting? (Maddox chuckles) You gotta ask me out with a shove and then I, like, send you notes in class and kiss you? 'Til we get to the next point, where we're actually exchanging blows? It's just... (splutters)
Dick: At this age -- yeah, exactly! At this age, I'm not fighting over Solo cups, man!
Maddox: No. No...
Dick: What are you...what are you getting so bent outta shape for?
Maddox: Yeah. No, you're right, Dick. Like he, he was...he was a bro, for sure. He was bro-downing hard. Um, and his nipples were hard. I could, I s-... (cracks up) (Dick guffaws) I SAW them! I saw them glistening in the night. 'Cause -- maybe you did splash some beer on him, 'cause he had some really fuckin' pointy nipples.
Dick: His beard was hard too.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused) His whole body was hard.
Dick: He turned into, like, a 'boing'... (imitating Maddox's boner sound effect) Big boner.
Maddox: Oh MAN. And then after...after we kinda broke it up, me and I think the British guy..."Calm down, mate. Calm down." (English accent) (Dick laughs loudly) And so... (cracks up) So we got him to turn around. And he walks over past his friends where he was just having a nice conversation, a nice night, that he could've avoided just simply by taking a step to the left away from the ping pong table.
Dick: He's probably cock-blockin' that guy, by the way!
Maddox: He probably was!!
Dick: Probably was!
Maddox: Fuckin' BEARDO...
Dick: He was an angry little fuck!
Maddox: ...in a bad mood, 'cause he's not gettin' laid!
Maddox: Maybe he shoulda listened to, uh, yours and Butt Sanchez's advice and uh, he can get chlamydia in a hot tub. (snidely) But listen, man. He could've, like, stepped one step to the left and avoided this whole thing. Then when he turned around and walked back to his friends, I saw...I saw him still in like, Super Saiyan mode. Right?
Maddox: He's sittin' there with his back turned to the rest of the party, like, everybody! He's kind of sulking in the corner, where it's dark. And you can see just, like, the silhouette of him, right? And he's just like, his arms are tense and his muscles are kinda... (mockingly growling) ...he's just kinda gripping his fists, he's so mad!
Dick: Jesus CHRIST, this guy.
Maddox: Yeah! Dude, fuckin' chill out, dude! It's 3 in the morning, everyone at this party's drunk; go home. What an idiot. (under his breath)
Dick: Or come throw some oranges with me! Relieve a little stress.
Maddox: Dick, is that, uh...?
Dick: Nonono! Well, I started looking stuff up on this, this angry white men phenomenon?
Maddox: White? (puzzled)
Dick: Have you heard of that?
Maddox: Why are you adding race into this?
Dick: Well, that's...that's what it's called!
Dick: I mean, this is like...it's, uh -
Maddox: (interjects) According to who?
Dick: The Internet. I don't know. (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: It's...well, because it...I tried to find some actual stats on this, or some actual research. Or at least some talking points. And it's all these authors talking about...how masculinity is ending? It's the end of the masculine era, and all these guys are all pissed off that they don't have a place in the world anymore. But I don't think that's true! I don't think that's what was goin' through that guy's mind when he's raging out in his bro-down.
Maddox: I disagree! I think that IS true. I think that guys do need, sometimes, they need that outlet. Like, I know some people -- for example, Tucker Max! Uh, the author Tucker Max, right? He's my buddy.
Maddox: Um, he had...he was really kind of aggressive, and he mellowed out A LOT after he started taking fighting lessons and he started doing MMA stuff. He *really* mellowed out a lot.
Maddox: He just needed to get that out of his system. (Dick inhales thoughtfully)
Dick: Well, maybe, uh...I dunno. Maybe that guy found a way to get it out of his system.
Maddox: Yeah, you... (cracks up) ...you made him cum.
Dick: That wasn't shoving me around.
Maddox: You made him... (laughs) You made his masculine boner cum, dude.
Dick: Here's, uh, here's a stats I DID find. Here's a stats for ya.
Dick: The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism -- something from the government -- paid a million bucks in tax dollars (cracking up) to fund a 5-year study of alcohol and bar violence that determined -- get a load of THIS...get a load of this million-dollar finding.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: "Bar fights tend to occur in venues that are relatively dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded..." (cynical tone)
Maddox: Oh! (quietly)
Dick: " [...] frequented by a clientele of younger, less agreeable, less conscientious, more impulsive heavy drinkers." [http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/918856-federal-study-bar-fights-tend-happen-darker-dirtier-bars-... ] Paid a million bucks for that.
Dick: Yeah, pretty good! (snidely)
Dick: We gotta be running -
Maddox: (interjects) They nailed it!
Dick: Yeah. (cracking up)
Maddox: They nailed it, though, huh?
Dick: That's true! (through laughter)
Maddox: Yeah! It's accurate!
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: It's accurate. And/or people's backyard parties, where everyone's just trying to chill out until Dick tries to throw oranges at a beer table. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Uhh, yeah, that's pretty much...I dunno. I got alotta stuff on this, uh, macho thing? But it was very weird to research. Because all these authors do is rip on, like, the stereotypical conservative man. Like, they all hate...um, they all hate your typical bad guys. Tea Party guys, um...lemme see here...
Maddox: They hate badasses, it sounds like. Right?
Dick: No, it's not so much badasses as just, like... (sighs; searching for words) Here's my point: I don't think it's specific to any...uh, any kind of background. Or ideology.
Maddox: What, the bro-down?
Dick: Yeah, the bro-down.
Maddox: I... (stammers) I think -- no, I think it is mostly non-liberal...like, I think most of my liberal friends are pacifists.
Maddox: Yeah, I think so.
Dick: I think I can rev anybody up.
Maddox: Well, I can too, buddy! And I love doing it! I'm GOOD at it. That's what I do for a living!
Dick: Well, I guess that's what I...that's what I disagreed with, was with their, uh, liberal bent. That somehow these liberal men are, are...beyond bro-ing down. But I don't know, maybe it is true.
Maddox: Well, it's easier to provoke somebody who's...who's more prone to be violent or a war hawk, for example, and that's why I think they're trying to mix in some political slant with this.
Maddox: Because it's thought that conservatives are generally more hawkish than liberals. Liberals are more dovish, considered -- you know, that's what people consider. Right?
Dick: I guess so.
Maddox: So that's why they're saying if you provoke somebody who's more hawkish, they're more likely to be provoked into violence.
Dick: Uh, 90 percent of physical altercations go to the ground, according to cops. [http://ejmas.com/jnc/2007jnc/jncart_Leblanc_0701.html]
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: So this guy wanted to, like, wrestle around on the ground with me? (amused)
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "And who are you, GAY?") (both laugh)
Dick: Eh. Yeah.
Maddox: Those hard nipples, man. (grinning)
Dick: That's just so insecure.
Maddox: Yeah, it is. It is!
Dick: Come onnn, guys! Come on! You're makin' us look bad. (annoyed)
Maddox: Chill out, bros! (mocking) Alright, Dick. Uh, not a problem.
Dick: Today's episode is brought to you by Harry's. Harry's will give you $5 off your first purchase when you visit http://harrys.com/biggestproblems and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEMS". What makes Harry's unique is the quality of the blade. Sure, you're gonna save a ton of money! Why pay 32 bucks for these razors when you can pay $15 for a razor handle, moisturizing shave cream, and three of Harry's 5-blade German-engineered razors that ship right to your house?
Maddox: They're fantastic, guys. Yeah, super smooth. I got a comment here from -
Dick: (interjects) http://harrys.com/biggestproblems. Go.
Maddox: Oh yeah, sorry. Uh, http://harrys.com/biggestproblems. I got a comment here from Andrew Mosteller. He says, "Normally I have to shave everyday. Yesterday, however, I used a Harry's razor to shave my face, and the shave was so close that I do not have to shave again today. Thanks, Harry's, for making my day, and thanks Maddox and Dick for the hilarious and informative content." Well, thank you, Andrew, for supporting us! That's super cool.
Dick: Shaved his skin right off. Alright.
Dick: Do we have time for m-...another problem?
Maddox: Yeah, we...absolutely.
Dick: We're gettin'...this is really long.
Maddox: Alright guys. I got a real problem. Also food related. "Stonewall Vegans".
(Sound effect: Clapping)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Stonewall Vegans.
Dick: Stonewall Vegans.
Dick: In what context do you mean "stonewall"?
Maddox: They stonewall you.
Maddox: Stonewalling Vegans.
Maddox: That's…we'll phrase it like that. Stonewalling vegans.
Maddox: Here we go. Guys, vegans are like a moth to a flame when it comes to ruining fun! They can't help themselves. They see fun and they wanna zero in on it and fucking end it! They want to destroy it. Scorched earth policy when it comes to fun. Veganism isn't an ideology, it's a police state! They constantly comb over menus in restaurants to see if there's anything that they can eat, and if they don't find what they want, they force the entire group to go somewhere they want to eat. It…they're food terrorists!
Dick: Yeah, they do.
Maddox: They are the…
Dick: (interjects) They do do that.
Maddox: They are the terrorists of the dining world!
Dick: Even when they say they're not doing it, they're doing it.
Maddox: They're doing it. First of all, guys, stop saying you CAN'T eat things. (Dick chuckles) You can. You just WON'T. Alright?! When you change the words "I can't" to "I won't", you'll finally realize what a crybaby bitch you sound like!
Dick: Yep. That's true.
Maddox: Jesus. It's not like you physically can't eat the food! We all have the same basic physiology, dickheads! You aren't special. You WON'T eat it. Just at least acknowledge that!
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Just at least, at the very least, just say, "I won't eat it", so you sound like the asshole that you are!
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. I 100% agree with that.
Maddox: You're being a big baby-back bitch about it.
Dick: I have ended relationships based on that distinction.
Dick: Like "Oh, I can't…I can't apologize." Like well, you can't, or you won't?
Dick: Like, just say you won't. Just say you won't and admit being a selfish asshole! (angry) That's…that's it. It's a very small difference, but it shows what you think!!
Dick: That your principles are more important than ANYTHING else.
Sean: And then what did you say to that?! (they laugh)
Dick: Oh, you almost stumped me on that one, Sean!!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Ahhh, good job, Sean.
Dick: You almost stumped me.
Maddox: Guys, if there's nothing you want to eat at a restaurant that an entire group of people want to go to, then eat before you go out!! I don't care, like, carry some twigs and berries with you, or sticks, or dirt, or whatever the fuck you eat!
Dick: Just eat grass. It's all over the place. (Maddox laughs) Like a dog.
Maddox: Like, whatever your stupid diet is, eat that before, and then go out with your friends. Or eat afterwards.
Maddox: Or just stay the fuck home!
Maddox: Nobody nee…you're not that fucking special! We don't need you that badly. Don't be such a raging fucking asshole to everyone around you because of your shitty fucking diet! We don't care! We don't wanna hear about it. Don't make your fucking diet my problem! Dick, I got a story about this.
Sean: Yeah, fuck panda bears, too.
Maddox: (giggles) What are you talking about, Sean?
Sean: Well, the assholes of the animal kingdom.
Dick: All they eat is…
Sean: Vegetarians. All they wan…
Maddox: Oh. Yeah. They're huge vegetarians.
Maddox: You can't take a panda anywhere with you.
Dick: Sack up, panda bears! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Here comes Maddox, riding in on an ideological wave down your throat! Listen, man. I got a story. A friend of mine recently was apoplectic. She sent me an email because she was going out with some friends for a nice dinner. They all agreed on a very famous, delicious restaurant in downtown LA. So they have this menu on it that has…it's basically tapas style. So, if you're going to a restaurant with a vegan or a vegetarian, or a picky eater..
Maddox: The best case scenario is that it's tapas. Because then they can pick and choose whatever the fuck little twig of leaf from this thing, or a beet. A dice of beet from another dish. Who cares? Just…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but then they're gonna talk about every choice they're making.
Dick: Like, they've gotta peruse each one like they're running quality control at the asshole factory.
Dick: Lemme see that plate…oh, mmmm, uhhh. And then they gotta ask about it. They gotta ask the waiter the embarrassing questions. Like, "Tell me how this was prepared so that I may bust you in a perceived mistake." Instead of, "Tell me how this was prepared so that I might enjoy it more."
Dick: So that it might be more…succulent to me. So I can enjoy these senses in my body that GOD gave me to use!!!
Maddox: Right. No. It's not that, Dick. They're not asking to enjoy. They're asking to break down.
Maddox: To critique. That's all they're asking for.
Maddox: They want to find flaws in the food so they can make a big issue about it, so they can showboat about their big, fucking…their special dietary needs!
Dick: Their "personality", because that's what they're fabricating!
Maddox: Right. It's so fucking annoying. So…a bunch of people. There were five of them in this group. All four of 'em, in an email chain, were saying..
Dick: Oh God.
Maddox: "Yeah, that sounds great. Let's do it. How's 7? 7's great. Let's do it." Oh my gosh. Five people, all going to a restaurant. They are all available at the same time on the same day. Perfect. Except this one, lone, solitary, blowhard bitch.
Maddox: Sends an email and says, "Hey guys…I looked over the menu…" (dorky voice)
Dick: (laughing) There's that voice again.
Maddox: (dorky voice) "I looked over the menu and there aren't any vegan options, so…um…we should go someplace else.
Maddox: Yeah. To four other people. Grown adults! And so…someone wrote back and said, "Well, they do have vegan options on the menu. Why don't you just order those things?" And she said, (dorky voice) "Well, 'cause there's only a couple and I'll be hungry."
Dick: Oh, my Goooooood.
Maddox: So…so then, this email thread went on…
Dick: Just cut her right off the chain.
Maddox: Yeah, cut her off the chain.
Dick: Cut her off the chain.
Maddox: That's it. Stay home.
Dick: Weakest link. There you go. You're the one getting eaten by lions! Pushed out the door.
Maddox: Yeah. And by the way, this is a dinner plan made in advance. Right? You know that this dinner plan's occurring. If four other people are going to this restaurant, just plan ahead and eat before. If you know that there's nothing you WANT to eat. I'm not gonna say nothing you can't eat, but nothing you want to eat, on this menu, then fucking eat at home, and then show up and grab a fucking drink and shut up!! If you want to be there…
Dick: That's…'cause that's the point.
Dick: That's the point of the dinner is to have a nice evening with friends.
Maddox: Have a nice evening with friends.
Dick: I can eat alone. I can eat…I can eat oatmeal every day forever and just feed calories into my system, but I would like to enjoy life a little bit more than that.
Dick: You already have a tremendous amount of work. You already have a tremendous amount of things working against you to set up a dinner. You don't need another one.
Maddox: Right. Absolutely. So…so someone said, "Well, if you want, we can call the restaurant and see if there are any other vegan options, or if they can make a dish vegan." So she…she did just that. She called the restaurant…
Dick: Are you kidding me?
Maddox: Left a voice mail. A voice mail! The most inconsiderate type of mail that you can leave to someone.
Maddox: Is a voice mail.
Dick: (interjects) No, it's true. I'd rather have a mail bomb than a voice mail.
Maddox: Oh, right. At least a mail bomb gives you the courtesy of ending your life!
Dick: At least there's a…(they all crack up)
Maddox: Instead of listening to this FUCKING recording. Yeah.
Dick: (cracks up) Thank God! Finally. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) So she calls and leaves a message for the manager.
Dick: Ohhh. (laughs)
Maddox: Gets a call back…
Dick: (interjects) Like this is what he's doing on this poor bastard's day. And it's LA…
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: So you know that he's got, like, 100 of these voice mails waiting for him when he gets in. The fucking travesty.
Maddox: And they're overwhelmed. This restaurant is packed all the time. They have a list. They have a waiting list. You have to make reservations. You're always waiting for this restaurant. It's…you're LUCKY if you get a seat. She left a voice mail for this poor manager. He calls back and she asks him if they can modify ingredients in some of the recipes that they have on the menu…
Dick: To just leave out the meat?
Maddox: No, no. Vegan.
Dick: Or is she vegan…
Maddox: Which means no butter. Which means no honey. Which means no animal products whatsoever. No gelatin. Nothing…
Dick: Why is it no honey? Bees like making honey.
Maddox: Yeah, well, uh…they view it as oppression of the bees, or something.
Dick: That's like saying "I don't drink piss."
Dick: Well, like, well…alright.
Maddox: It comes from an animal, so they don't put it in their bodies.
Maddox: But they're okay with, you know. A lot of them are okay with driving in their leather cars. Of course.
Dick: Yeah, of course.
Maddox: Their leather seat cars. So…she calls. She talks to the manager and the manager says, "No, I'm sorry, we don't have alternate ingredients to put into the stuff. We have chefs. It's a very busy kitchen. We don't have these ingredients. I'm sorry, but these are the options that you have."
Dick: "I don't have the authority to do that. I'm just a guy working a job."
Dick: Like, I'm just a guy who's here 'cause I have to be, you stupid bitch!
Dick: Just like everybody in the world. I'm here 'cause I have to do this! Please don't fuck with me today.
Dick: Like, I didn't build this restaurant. I didn't make the menu. Those people make another zero above me!
Dick: Like I don't have the authority to do what you're asking.
Maddox: Right. And even if he did, do you really want to inconvenience the entire fucking kitchen!?
Dick: Nooooo. (sighs)
Maddox: I mean, this isn't an allergy that you have. This isn't some life-threatening thing that you have. You don't have fucking Celiac disease, which most people don't. Fuck off with the gluten thing. But…
Dick: The li…no, the life-threatening illness that they have is having no personality.
Dick: It…it sucks to be normal in a world run by reality TV.
Dick: So, you gotta gin up that personality real quick!
Sean: It sounds like…it sounds like this person is drastically overestimating the value of her company.
Maddox: Oh, abso-fucking-lutely, Sean!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Ding, ding, ding. That's the fucking…amen to that, dude. That's exactly what this is. She's overestimating the value of her company to this dinner party. So…she talks to the manager and the manager says, "Look, there are three options on the menu." There's, like, you know a flatbread with lettuce on it. They said we can remove the cheese. It's like arugula on a flatbread. There…what do you want!?
Maddox: What do you want us to do, lady?! We don't have…whatever fucking crazy shit that you have. So she writes back to the email thread. And says, "Hey guys, I just got off the phone with the manager. I was ready to write a really nasty Yelp review."
Dick: Of course!!!
Maddox: She was ready to ruin their business because this bitch doesn't…they don't cater to you!? Do we go to fucking vegan restaurants and write nasty reviews 'cause they don't have meat options, you bitch!? Like, we're not doing that! We're not going to vegan restaurants and saying, (goofy voice) "Uh, there weren't enough meat options." Don't go to a normal restaurant and expect them to cater to your picky fucking beliefs.
Maddox: So anyway. She's like, (goofy voice) "Uhh….I was about to write a review, but the manager was really nice, but they still don't have any options."
Dick: Please write that review.
Dick: "Don't cater to vegans." Sign me up!! I'll be there.
Maddox: Great. I wanna make a restaurant called "No Vegans".
Maddox: Don't fucking come to my restaurant. I don't care. So…she wrote this thread. And then she didn't suggest any other restaurants. She wanted everyone else in the email thread to do the heavy lifting of finding a restaurant that SHE can eat at!! (Dick chuckles) She said, "we should go to a different restaurant." But didn't suggest any!
Dick: Oh, just stay home. At this point, why even want to go out to dinner with this woman?
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Like this is a…I don't ever want to talk to her again. Right?
Dick: Like, guys, nevermind, I'm out. I'm staying home. I'm going somewhere else. I'm doing anything else with my life than hanging out with this person!! Like…(stammers) how many problems can she run into every day!!??
Dick: How many assholes does she run into every day? Probably a couple, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Surprise, surprise.
Maddox: Surprise, surprise. If you're always running into assholes, guess what?
Dick: You're the asshole.
Maddox: Maybe you're the asshole. So…she…so, somebody on the email thread says, "Well, look. You have a problem with this place. Why don't you suggest something?"
Maddox: And so she suggests a vegan…(Dick cracks up) (Maddox laughs) Yep!!
Maddox: She suggests a vegan Indian restaurant!
Dick: Ugh. They always…they try to slide that in, too.
Maddox: A vegan….yeah.
Dick: 'Cause it's always Indian. Like, "Oh, it's a really nice place." It's like, "Yeah, yeah. Is it Indian? Is it an Indian place?"
Maddox: It's always Indian. Yeah. It's an Indian vegan place. And…
Dick: Bunch of rice.
Dick: Bunch of beans.
Maddox: And you know, like, lentils. Cool.
Maddox: Am I gonna just suck on lentils all night?! (Dick laughs) My fancy dinner out? So one of the people in the thread…
Dick: Sit cross-legged?
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Sit cross-legged and rip up a big tortilla. (Maddox cracks up) Sucking on lentils. You bitch!!!!!!!!!!!! (they crack up)
Maddox: So…so, then…she sends this email. She suggests this vegan Indian restaurant. And one of the people in the thread says, "I'm literally going there the night before." (Dick scoffs) "I have reservations the night before. Is there any other place?" And she said, "Well, you know, it's a pretty good place…(goofy voice) uhhhhgh." And so this lady says, "That's fine. You know what? I'm not gonna be the stick in the mud. You're the stick in the mud. I'll go eat there twice in a row just so you can fucking join us for this dinner."
Maddox: This…my friend. The one who started this email thre…this email thread.
Dick: I would love it if this was secretly a story about your mom. (Maddox laughs) And the woman was…my mom.
Maddox: Ah, no, man. Yeah. So this email. This email thread was started by this woman.
Maddox: And she said, "You know what? Fine. We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll cowtow to you because you're the biggest crybaby." And she didn't even send a big thank you email to everyone saying, "Guys, thank you for accommodating." Or any of that shit. She felt ENTITLED to being this much of a pain in the ass! This woman.
Dick: She's on a mission from God. Can't.. She CAN'T eat it. It's not "won't". It's "can't".
Maddox: Can't. Yeah. Sure.
Dick: Yeah. It's a morality clause.
Dick: See, everybody's got that sick "can't" in them. They just arbitrarily pick what they assign it to.
Dick: That's…that's what I think. Anybody who's like…oh, well I'm so evolved. I'm above that. But, oh, you know, I'll ruins some peoples' night just because I want to eat…I want a bigger selection of beans.
Dick: Like, well, you're a piece of shit.
Maddox: And that's all it is. It's just a bigger selection of beans for you to fucking eat! You could have eaten at that other restaurant! They had options. Just nothing you WANTED.
Dick: Yeah. I'll bring a pocket full of hay, you horse-faced bitch! (Maddox laughs) You chew on this while we're all having a good time at the meatery.
Maddox: Yeah. Eat some dirt.
Dick: So how do you think that would go over? And then just say, "Just kidding."
Dick: You start it with "No offense", and then put "Just kidding".
Maddox: No offense, yeah. If you say no offense, you're good. You're covered. Dude…dude. I have friends who are Jews and Muslims that don't eat pork. (Dick laughs) And they still go to restaurants!
Dick: I'm gonna be disappointed about where this is going.
Dick: That's gonna be a great Jew joke! (laughing) "I have friends who are Jews and Muslims". Ohoh, baby. (laughing)
Maddox: No. They still…look, man. I've been to restaurants with Jews and Muslims that serve pork. You know what they do? They simply don't order it. They don't make it a big fucking deal. They don't care if you order it.
Maddox: You can eat it. I even went to a restaurant with a Buddhist one time. To a Chinese restaurant. And it was Christmas dinner and part of the Christmas dinner was…it was a fixed course menu. They brought out this huge, delicious, Chinese soup. And it had beef in it. And he's…he's Buddhist.
Maddox: Doesn't eat beef. And you know what he did?
Dick: Oh, Buddhists are de facto vegetarians?
Maddox: Uh…well, this guy was.
Maddox: This guy was. He says he doesn't eat beef. Excuse me. He was not Buddhist. He was Hindu. That's right.
Dick: There we go.
Maddox: There we go. Yeah. That makes sense.
Dick: More honest.
Maddox: That makes more sense. So he says he doesn't eat beef. But you know what he did? He just picked up a scoop of vegetables from the soup, and then just ate the vegetables.
Maddox: Didn't make a big fucking deal out of it. He's like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna eat the beef." And I know that some of the beef broth is in the, uh…you know. Is in the soup. But…whatever. I'm…
Dick: Yeah. You're not changing the world by not eating the beef broth.
Maddox: Yeah. Whatever god you believe in isn't gonna be sitting there tallying the total of all the molecules of beef you eat, you fucking idiots!
Dick: I mean, he might be. You don't know that.
Dick: Or SHEEEEE might be.
Maddox: Ohhhhhh. Okay. (Dick giggles) Anyway, Dick. I have a…I have a YouTube video here. I have a YouTube video from a vegan. I just looked on YouTube, I said, "Why should I become a vegan?" Right? (Dick giggles) Here's one of the first things that come up. Listen to this. This is from the YouTube channel…it's Fluffy….
Dick: Why don't you just call this vegans?
Dick: Why don't you just call his vegans?
Maddox: Vegans. Oh. No…
Dick: Instead of Stonewalling Vegans.
Maddox: Stonewalling Vegans. 'Cause I have a few. Very few. But I have a few vegan friends who aren't stonewalling vegans.
Maddox: They're the ones that come to dinner and they don't make their dietary needs your issue.
Maddox: But they're very few. So here's…here's one from YouTube. This is "Why you Should Become a Vegan". Uh, the channel is FluffyPinkGlam. Here we go.
(Sound clip: YouTube video: (female voice) "Eating meat, dairy, fish, cheese…is just not right. The first thing is the moral aspect…"
"I mean…if you think about it. It's kinda crazy that we humans think that animals are just here for our needs."
"Or…you know, to give us their body. Their life.")
Dick: (cracks up) So she's talking about herself.
Maddox: So…animals…(goofy voice) are here just…(stammers) so you think it's okay to kill plant life? You think it's okay to kill plant life.
Maddox: Plants are living creatures! Plants are living beings! They've done studies that show plants feel pain.
Dick: They have pain. Yeah.
Maddox: They react. They even emit sound when they're being killed.
Maddox: Plants are living creatures. So it's okay for you to kill plants, but not animals, right?
Maddox: You're fine with killing plants, because they don't have a face! You can't relate to plant life. You're a specieist! That what you are.
Dick: There's also pescatarian stonewallers.
Dick: There's a whole…a whole gradiation of…
Maddox: How's that? What do you mean?
Dick: Well, they only eat fish.
Maddox: Oh, the pescatarian stonewallers?
Dick: Same thing.
Maddox: Yeah, basically.
Dick: Just throw fish on there.
Maddox: Yeah. But I've never gone to a restaurant where a pescatarian stonewaller, someone was stonewalling me because they didn't have fish on the menu.
Maddox: They'll eat something else. I mean..
Dick: Well, your friends are fucked, so I'm sure you'll get there eventually.
Maddox: Yeah. That's true. Uh, Dick…
Dick: In one of these emails.
Maddox: Yeah. Well…this is from…I think I saw this on…yeah. This is from Web MD. "A vegan diet isn't healthy." This is from the July issue of the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. "German researchers tracked 174 apparently healthy people living in Germany and the Netherlands. They found that 92% of the vegans they studies, those who ate the strictest vegetarian diet, which shuns ALL animal products, including milk and eggs, had Vitamin B12 deficiencies."
Maddox: Which leads to heart disease and stroke.
Maddox: And these are people…especially vegan mothers who are breastfeeding. Their children have…are usually malnourished. Because they don't get enough B12. Guys, stop doing this. You don't need to do this. If you want to abstain from meat for whatever fucking goofy reasons you want…(Dick chuckles) Fine. But don't…(stammers) at least drink a cup of milk. If you drink a cup of milk or eat an egg, you'll get all the B12 you need and you don't have to be such a staunch fucking idiot about it.
Dick: That supermodel Magneto that I dated? Remember? (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: She would also not get red meat at In and Out, and she would always eat my burger.
Dick: She would always take bites off of my Triple-triple.
Dick: In and Out. The hamburger fast food place. She wouldn't order it herself, because she saw a cow at some point in her…I don't know. She saw a baby cow.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: And she couldn't imagine killing them anymore?
Dick: But she would lay into mine with that thin supermodel jaw and chew right through it. Ruining…making my hamburger refuse, that I now have to eat.
Sean: That's like smokers who only bum cigarettes.
Maddox: It's like one of those wood bores. They just bore a hole right through your burger.
Maddox: With that needle mouth. (laughing)
Dick: I'm like, what the hell? Am I supposed to eat this? And now I'm eating something…now my lips are touching something that have almost touched my own dick. You know!? (Maddox laughs) Her lips are eating my burger. This is what I'm thinking now when I'm trying to enjoy my hamburger. Wait a minute. How far away am I from having my own dick in my mouth? Right?
Dick: 'Cause she's touched it a lot. All the time.
Dick: Oh. Oh, yeah. This relationship lasted a long time for a reason. And…now, I'm touching that same thing with my mouth. It's disgusting.
Maddox: I got a story about that. I have a friend who I know…she loves to lick buttholes. Like, that's her thing.
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: She likes to lick…
Maddox: …guys' buttholes. That's her thing.
Maddox: And…uh…I found out one day that she was dating one of my friends. And we all went to a restaurant. And I ordered…(they giggle) I ordered a giant lemonade. A giant pink lemonade. (Dick laughs) Sat down, ready to…
Dick: Infantilism. (laughs)
Maddox: It's delicious. It's refreshing!
Maddox: So we sat down. I'm waiting for my burger. My giant pink lemonade. Haven't even taken a sip yet and she goes, "Oh, can I try?" (Dick laughs) And she's just…she took a sip from my lemonade! My fresh, brand-new lemonade! (Dick cracks up) And I just sat there…looking at that straw. And thinking about her licking my friend's butthole. (Dick dying of laughter) (Maddox laughs) And I swear to God, I didn't take a single sip of my giant lemonade!
Dick: Did you explain it?!
Dick: You didn't send it back to get another one!?
Maddox: No. Mm-mm.
Dick: You didn't try like a, "I have a cold"? Something like that?
Maddox: Nope. Lost my appetite. Didn't want…didn't want it. (Dick cracks up) I didn't want any more lemonade. And then I told some of my friends, and they knew. They…(cracks up) they all looked down the table at me to see if I would. (Dick laughs) It was kind of like a ticking time bomb. They were all watching me nervously if I was going to take a sip. And I didn't fucking touch that lemonade.
Dick: Did you fake em out? Like a little lean in? (Maddox laughs) Like, aaaaah, guys, aaah, make 'em throw up in the corner?
Maddox: No, because I was afraid if I took a whiff of that straw with that…you know, that residual butthole on it, I would throw up.
Dick: Feces, all over it.
Dick: You made the right call.
Maddox: Anyway, man. That's my problem. Stonewalling vegans. And that concludes our first ever "Best Of" episode...I hope you guys enjoyed it. If you didn't blame yourselves, because I took the clips from your suggestions! Your stupid suggestions! (Sean chuckles) But if you did enjoy it, vote for my problem..whichever one it was...(laughs) because I haven't heard it yet. (laughs) No, I know which one it was. Vote for my problems. Alright? Dick's not here to canvas for his problems. This is...I should have a CLEAN SWEEP THIS TIME.
(closing riff starts)
Maddox: And if I don't, I'm blaming all you idiots. You're gonna hear about it next time! Thanks for listening.
(Voice mail: Weird Matthew McConaughey: "Hey Maddox. I like how you pretended you didn't know what your own precum tasted like…"
(Maddox and Sean crack up)
"The dude just shits in leaves. And experiments with pinching the end of his dick… (Maddox laughs) is also a guy…who has probably licked his finger…(they laugh loudly)after touching the tip of his dick…during whacking it. Or extreme excitement. (Maddox guffaws) Uh…also…he's probably tasted it…(they all laugh) after a blowjob…"
Dick: That's true!
"And he doesn't even fucking know about it." (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: He's got you there!
Maddox: No, I do…(laughing too hard)
"Or just pretended he didn't know about it."
Dick: Yeah. Just pretended! (Maddox laughing)
"Be, like, no, it's all good…that's not my cum…it's just…she must have been chewing some weird gum earlier…" (they all laugh loudly)
Dick: Chewing some weird gum!
Maddox: Oh, man. (laughing)
Dick: You don't have to answer that accusation.
Maddox: No. Idiot. (Dick laughs)