Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 104
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock
Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s. Harry’s will give you $5 off your first purchase when you visit http://www.harrys.com/biggestproblems and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEMS.
Today’s show is brought to you by our own bonus episode!
(Biggest Solution theme riff starts)
Maddox: “Yeah, I know a lot of people who meditate.
Dick: A lot!
Maddox: You know how I know? ‘Cause they won’t shut the fuck up about it.
Maddox: “Oh, you should meditate. You should meditate.” Afterwards I just felt really pensive. Like, I was nervous. I was anxious all day long…and…and it put me in a bad mood.
Maddox: Like, people were talking to me and I was snapping at them, and I knew I was snapping at them…(Dick guffaws) and I’m like…I’m so sorry. You did nothing wrong to me. I’m just in a bad mood because I meditated.
Dick: That’s how you know if a chick’s into you.
Maddox: They want dick pics.
Dick: Once she starts asking for dick pics.
Maddox: Uh, they can make really intricate patterns and glass bowls for your grandma to put candy in…
Dick: Don’t edit that at all!!
Maddox: My form of art is my writing.
Sean: How’s that book coming?
Maddox: And my art.
(Dick cracks up)
Maddox: You know what, Sean?! It’s coming just fine!!!!
Maddox: ‘Cause that’s where we find a lot of ancient artifacts, and art!
Dick: A lot?!
Maddox: We found some.
Dick: Of art?
Dick: On the bottom of the ocean? (they laugh) They found…what?
Maddox: The point is, Dick…(Dick guffaws)
Sean: It’s always the first place I look!
Dick: At the bottom of the ocean!! (laughing)
Maddox: You know what? Yeah. You go to a fucking museum!
Sean: I need something for this wall!
Dick: Like, ‘cause he said “You can’t come in if you wear sandals.” I’m like, “Okay, so what…what’s a shoe, then, asshole?”
Dick: If I put, like, a bunch of Amazon boxes for my trunk on my feet, is that a shoe, then?
Dick: Is that a shoe?
Dick: Lemme ask you something, is that a shoe?
Maddox: Yeah. Uh…why were you carrying extra shoes? Backup shoes?
Dick: ‘Cause I fucking hate shoes. (they laugh)
Now available at http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Being Insensitive to Being Hypersensitive! (Dick snorts, Sean laughs) With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Heyyy, what’s up, buddy? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Welcome back. (chuckles)
Dick: Nothing like a str…what is that called when it’s the same word rhyming with itself? A true rhyme?
Maddox: It’s just a l…is it?
Dick: Yeah, I dunno what it is.
Maddox: Yeah, there are a lot of rappers who are really good at that.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. They can rhyme dick with dick. (laughs) Ah, man. Yeah. Being insensitive is a problem, and being hypersensitive is a problem.
Maddox: As I found out this week, Dick. Uh…there was a big meltdown on Twitter and social networks.
Dick: Did you melt down?
Maddox: Well, no…(Sean laughs)
Maddox: Well, my fans would say yes.
Maddox: My…my listeners would say yes.
Dick: Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah.
Sean: But they’d be wrong, right?
Dick: Is this…well, hold on. Hold on. (they laugh) Is this about…the Cuckening?
Dick: Okay. I got more emails about this than I think ever.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: You…you did not say, on the Internet, that there’s nothing wrong with cuckolding, did you?
Dick: (interjects) ‘Cause that’s what people told me.
Maddox: I…said that. Alright? And I want to come out here on this podcast…
Dick: As a cuck? (they laugh) You already did that online!! Why would you say that?! (laughing)
Maddox: This is….this is my platform to clear the air here. I want to go on the record as saying…
Dick: Oh, no. (laughing)
Maddox: Nobody gives a shit if you’re a cuck. There you go. There’s nothing wrong with being a cuck and no one gives a shit. It’s a stupid, lazy, tired insult. That’s right! Fuck you! Go ahead and blast my ass some more, you idiots!! Look. I came out…
Dick: Well, blast your girlfriend’s ass some more, you mean.
Maddox: Oh, sure. Sure, yeah.
Dick: That’s what…yeah.
Maddox: You know, a lot of the comments were really, REALLY nasty, too. Like, hateful. There’s always a racial element involved.
Dick: Of cuck…of your comments, or of cuckery?
Maddox: Oh, yeah! No, yeah. They say “Hey Maddox…”
Sean: (interjects) Well, you know, some minorities have bigger cucks…and…
Dick: (chuckles) Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. There you go, Sean.
Maddox: This comment, Joshua Sanders says, “Hey Maddox, did your girlfriend’s boyfriend Tyrone give you that opinion about the KKK?” (Dick laughs) They always try to …
Dick: (interjects) Wait, KKK?!
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno. We mentioned the KKK.
Maddox: Like, we always…(stammers) So this whole thing came about, for all the listeners who are in the dark right now.
Maddox: I made this tiny little meme. This tiny little picture of…
Dick: Speaking of cucks. Tiny little…okay.
Maddox: Yeah. So it was Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump together.
Maddox: And I made a parody of the Dumb and Dumber DVD cover a long time ago, you know, Dumb and Dumber?
Maddox: And I put…Hilary’s face on one, and Trump’s on the other. And I said “unlikeable” and “unlikeabler”.
Dick: Okay. Lemme tell you something. First of all, funny.
Dick: Secondly. That’s what I want to see out of a comedian, right?! Not pickin’ sides!!
Dick: Okay, I see the other person up there, too. Good. Good, Good.
Dick: That’s funny.
Maddox: I said two…
Dick: (interjects) You hate the whole process.
Maddox: Exactly. I said two candidates, zero winners. Uh, two candidates, one country, zero winners, right?
Maddox: I’m not pickin’ sides! I don’t have a horse in this race. I think they’re both awful. Um, so…I posted this up there…
Dick: (interjects) Back to basics.
Maddox: (laughs) I posted this up there. For real.
Maddox: I…I’ve criticized Hilary Clinton on my website, way back when Grand Theft Auto…there was that big controversy when they wanted to ban Grand Theft Auto and have all this regulation.
Dick: Oh, she’s very anti-video games.
Maddox: Exactly! That was Hilary Clinton leading that charge!
Dick: She’s anti-men, too. But please conti…I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m kidding.
Maddox: I think she’s anti-human. Uh…she has some…there’s this Uncanny Valley between humans and Hilary Clinton. But anyway.
Maddox: I criticize both candidates. Guess which side had a huge, apoplectic shit fit about it?
Dick: Well, Trump.
Maddox: Of course. (laughs) It’s so…the number one insult they kept saying OVER and OVER and OVER again…
Dick: (interjects) Is cuck.
Maddox: Is, like, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck!
Maddox: Cuck cuck cuck!! (laughs)
Dick: Yeah, but Maddox, you don’t…you don’t have any Hilary fans!
Maddox: That’s what people say, but here’s the thing. I get blasted on this show, and all the time…
Maddox: (goofy voice) “Oh Maddox, you’re a liberal! You’re a liberal cuck! Maddox, you’re a liberal!” (Dick laughs) But here’s my question to you then, okay?
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: If I’m such a fucking liberal, then why do I have so many Trump supporters following me?! Do you shitheads enjoy listening to liberals? Do you enjoy listening to liberal commentators, you morons?!
Dick: I think you kinda pulled a…I think you’ve gone more left in your comedy over the years.
Dick: (interjects) Like, I think you were very…it seemed like you were very right-wing at one point, when you were, like, for any animal you eat, I’ll eat three.
Maddox: Still believe that.
Dick: Of course you do, but that seems like it belongs in a right-wing camp.
Dick: So I’m sure…like…like, no Hilary supporter supports that, right? Like…aggressively anti-vegan and pro specieism?
Dick: Like, you’re pro the human species more than other species.
Maddox: Absolutely. Yes.
Dick: That fits in more with the conservative way of thinking.
Dick: Where it’s like we’re…we’re doing. We’re producing, therefore we’re better than you.
Dick: Whereas a liberal agenda would be, like, we’re all in this together.
Dick: Let’s take from the producers and give to the people who don’t produce anything. So people got the idea that you’re more right wing, I think.
Maddox: Right, uh…and I’ve criticized environmentalism. I’ve criticized the wage gap truthers.
Maddox: Uh, feminism on my website.
Dick: Right. Right!
Maddox: Like, all these things.
Dick: It’s all right-wing things.
Maddox: And I have a very moderate view on guns. So…um…I think the only reason I get…
Dick: OHHHHH, cuck. (they crack up) Only one view to have on guns!
Maddox: Yeah. So anyway, I got called a cuck a lot. That’s the ONLY insult they have. And you know why? And I don’t like to use this word, and I’m only gonna say it, you know, probably this one time on the show, but…
Dick: (interjects) Well, let’s have the whole episode, then, if we’re saying dirty words. Not just once!
Maddox: (laughing) No, no.
Dick: ‘Cause you’re already saying it. Let’s just open this…let’s just blow the barn doors open.
Maddox: Dick, I got that Cuss Control book right here, buddy. I’ll pull that out.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: I’ll pull a red card on you so fast.
Sean: Don’t say the word; only Denzel is allowed to say that.
Dick: No, this is a different word.
Maddox: No, it’s not that word, Sean!
Sean: Oh, my mistake. I’m used to our off-air conversations. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: You know what Sean’s thinking this entire time, huh?!
Dick: Sean…Sean’s one of those guys…
Dick: Where you’re like, “I bet that guy loves saying that word.”
Dick: Uh, no, because I know that cuck has replaced this word.
Dick: So I know what Maddox is gonna say.
Maddox: You know what I’m about to say.
Dick: Yeah, go ahead.
Maddox: It’s just a replacement for the word “faggot”. Like, they just want to call you a faggot so bad…
Dick: (interjects) Ahhh, you said it twice! You said you were only gonna say it once!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: They just want to call you that SO bad, ‘cause it’s that itch they wanna scratch right?
Dick: Did we get a clean audio on that, Sean? Should he say it again just to make sure we’ve got clean audio of that take? (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: They want to say it so bad. So now they’ve taken that word cuck, right? And I have embraced it. I’m like, you know what? I’m gonna…
Dick: (interjects) (laughs) So you are a cuck!!
Maddox: Oh, Dick…(stammers)
Dick: You’re saying.
Maddox: The biggest…the biggest cuck. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Oh, my God!
Dick: (interjects) Ah, dude, I can’t take this!
Maddox: I think…I think that…that everyone listening right now is a cuck. You’re a cuck. I’m a cuck.
Dick: I am definitely. I am not a…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, you’re definitely a cuck.
Dick: Definitely not a cuck.
Maddox: You’re the biggest cuck I’ve ever seen.
Dick: Oh, no fucking way!
Maddox: Oh, you love being cuckolded, buddy!
Dick: There is something VERY wrong with cuckolding!
Maddox: Yeah. It’s a sexual fetish, by the way. So who gives a shit? Look…look. You don’t know any…the bottom line is this. You don’t know any cucks. I don’t know any cucks. We’ve probably never met one! I know one person in real life that I’ve met that IS an actual cuckold. And it’s a weird little fetish thing that turns into threesome sometimes.
Dick: Hold on, hold on.
Sean: Do you wanna explain what that is?!
Dick: Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no. Hold on. ‘Cause that’s wrong. That’s not right. First of all, I know a lot of cucks, ‘cause I sleep with married women.
Maddox: Well…it depends on the definition.
Dick: I don’t know if they know or not.
Maddox: Right. I don’t want to get into the semantics.
Dick: I’m talking about the original definition, like where Shakespeare…Shakespeare has used it as an insult.
Maddox: Right, right, right.
Dick: ‘Cause it’s like, a cuckold is a man who’s blowing his resources, unwittingly, on another man’s offspring.
Dick: Like, that’s like…it’s like the most emasculated you could be.
Maddox: Well, that’s where it originally came from, but it’s no longer that.
Dick: That’s what I think…oh, I think it is!
Maddox: No, no. The porn industry, dude? It is, like, one of the biggest categories in pornography. People love…people love the cuckold category.
Dick: Well, the porn industry, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. That’s what it IS today.
Dick: But that’s not what people are saying when they say it to you.
Maddox: Oh, I know. I know what they mean.
Dick: They mean…
Maddox: (interjects) I know what they mean! I understand the context, and I know what they mean.
Dick: What do you think the context is, then?
Maddox: Well, it…they…if you wanna be eloquent, uh…they’re specifically saying that…a cuckold, when it comes to palsies, is somebody who sells out their country and…for the interests of another.
Dick: Yeah, sure. Yeah.
Dick: Like a sucker. Like a chump.
Maddox: So that’s…exactly, yeah.
Maddox: That’s…that’s the eloquent way of saying it. But that’s not the way they’re saying it. They’re saying it as a knee-jerk, just like “cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck, cuck!” No thought behind it.
Dick: Well, it’s fun to say.
Dick: I mean, I do think there’s a place for it. Like, I think…like…
Maddox: You like using this word?
Dick: I don’t use it. Um…
Maddox: Why not?
Dick: Because I say “faggot”. (they crack up laughing) Uh, no, no, no.
Maddox: Full circle!
Dick: I’m joking. I’m joking. I’m joking.
Maddox: There we go.
Dick: I think there’s always, ALWAYS an attack on masculinity. Like, that’s…that’s what we do. Uh, and it always evolves. It’s ‘cuck’ now. It was ‘beta’ for a while.
Maddox: Beta, yeah. Mhmm.
Dick: People don’t usually use beta anymore.
Maddox: No. Beta was, what, like, seventies.
Dick: ‘Cause everyone was…no, no, no. I think beta was more recent, like, with pickup artistry, when that became big.
Maddox: Oh, that’s right, yeah.
Dick: It was like, “You’re a beta.”
Dick: Like, that was the zeitgeist.
Dick: And then people became, like, self-aware of themselves saying it too much.
Dick: It lost all meaning. So they invent a NEW word…
Sean: Wait, beta?
Dick: Cuck’s pretty…beta. Like they call you a beta male.
Maddox: Beta. Uh-huh. Like you’re a beta male. You’ve never heard of it?
Sean: Like a non-alpha.
Maddox: As opposed to an alpha, yeah.
Sean: Got it, okay.
Dick: No, like a betta fish. That’s what they were…that’s not what they meant?
Maddox: No. There’s an alpha male and there’s the beta males.
Dick: No, it’s a betta fish because you were, like, a little guy in a little tank…
Maddox: (interjects) So clearly…
Dick: (interjects) I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I’m kidding.
Dick: It was definitely beta male.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Dick: Um, and then before that it was…oh God, I don’t know. What…but you know, forever ago, it was pussy. Like a pussy cat.
Dick: That’s, like…that was like the 30s or 50s, something like that.
Maddox: Right. Or yellow. Yellow.
Dick: Yellow, yeah, exactly.
Maddox: Yeah. Yellow. Pussy. Like, it is…
Sean: Well, yellow means coward.
Dick: But we don’t use it.
Maddox: We don’t use it anymore.
Dick: That was the 1800’s version of cuck.
Dick: So, like you said, like you’re yellow. You’re chicken. You know?
Maddox: Let’s not…just to quickly wrap this up. Um, so because I…I made this video, and I thought, “You know what? I’m gonna poke the hornet’s nest here.”
Maddox: I’m gonna make a video about cuck, and I’m gonna try to normalize it a little bit, ‘cause who gives a shit? Honestly? Who gives a shit?
Maddox: About the sexual fetish, right? About the se…
Dick: (interjects) That’s very specific, though.
Maddox: No, but if you’re getting cuckolded in real life and you don’t know about it, that’s just called cheating. You’re getting cheated on, and it sucks.
Dick: Well, unless you gotta raise their kids.
Maddox: Well, of course, but that’s…look, man.
Maddox: I mean, that does happen, but it’s extremely rare, and to use it as an insult is…it’s just…again, it’s a replacement for the word “faggot”. They wanna call you an emasculated male or a weak male. They wanna make fun of you.
Maddox: And that’s…that’s the only word they have left, and they feel so threatened that I’ve started to take it away, and because of the butthurt…
Dick: Oh, no! (laughs)
Maddox: After this video…(Sean laughs) because of the…
Dick: (interjects) I can’t hear this. I just can’t. (they laugh)
Maddox: Because of this video, Dick.
Dick: Like, I feel the storm in my bones.
Maddox: I know.
Dick: I have, like…I have arthritis for trolling.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Dick: Like, I feel the rage in my…I’m like, “Oh, I got a crick in my ankle. There’s some real rage storm brewing on the Internet today.”
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, boy.
Dick: Better batten down the shit hatches.
Maddox: I got, like…
Dick: Before we get covered in shit!
Maddox: Oh, you look at my Twitter feed, dude! It’s just like nothing but swastikas and cuck, and swas…it’s like just the most hateful shitheads, right?
Maddox: And so I thought, you know what?
Dick: You deserve it. (laughs)
Maddox: I’m gonna go…I’m gonna take this a little bit further, and I made it a T-shirt.
Maddox: And I made the T-shirt say…it says the word “duck” on it, but the “c” is kind of, like, highlighted so it looks like “cuck”. And I put a duck on there.
Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait, what do you mean? The C is highlighted?
Maddox: So there’s a D…
Dick: The word…okay.
Maddox: Lower case D.
Dick: Lower case D?
Maddox: And then the loop…
Dick: And the C is highlighted?
Maddox: The loop in the D.
Dick: So it says “cluck”?
Maddox: Well, it’s supposed to…like, just visually, it reads “cuck”.
Maddox: But it could also…it’s, like, very subversive. It could be cluck. It could be duck. It could be cuck. It could be any number of things. It’s a very subversive way of putting it on T-shirts just to piss off these fucking…these crybaby…these PC, sensitive, overly sensitive morons!!! And that’s why I have the intro…
Dick: Wait a minute, so you’ve turned their outrage into a marketing opportunity?!
Dick: To sell…so who’s the cuck then?! (Maddox laughs)
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Dick: I guess.
Maddox: They’re the biggest cuck of all!
Dick: They’re supporting your resources with their time!
Maddox: Exactly. (grins)
Dick: That is…that’s the definition of being cucked.
Maddox: I’ve TURNED THEM INTO CUCKS!! (Dick laughs) And they don’t like to see someone else fucking their memes, do they?! CUCK-THE-DOODLE-DOO, BITCHES! (they all laugh) Eat shit! Alright, that makes me so happy.
Dick: Ugh, you’re too excited, though!!
Maddox: I know. I’m s…I know.
Dick: That’s what’s gonna hurt you. You’re obviously excited.
Maddox: Ah, I don’t give a shit. I’m riding the precipice of this hurricane. This whirlpool. Here we go. Uh…
Dick: You’re right in the eye of it.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: No. (laughs) The biggest problem in the universe from last week was Humorless Stupid People. Speaking of cucks!! (laughing) Humorless stupid people. Then…text…
Dick: (interjects) I don’t think it needed the stupid part. But yeah. That’s good. That’s great.
Maddox: Yeah. Then the Texting Batter’s Box…which we’ll get to your flak you got in a second, Dick. And then Voice Mail was dead last. Uh…they were all in the positive territory.
Dick: Yeah, they’re all problems.
Maddox: But Michael Capes, our guest, everyone really liked Michael Capes as a guest. His humorless stupid people problem…
Dick: He was great.
Maddox: …number one last week. Interesting.
Dick: They…I take that back. Maybe the stupid part is an important component of it, because…I do think that wit is tied to intelligence.
Dick: And as…the mean intelligence gets lower, the world sucks more.
Dick: So all of these humorless people are causing the world to be shittier.
Maddox: I agree.
Dick: Like, they say it’s just not funny, but it’s like, “Yeah, but I bet everything else you do in life just kinda sucks more.”
Dick: ‘Cause you don’t get this joke.
Dick: Yeah. It’s a big problem. I hope it got really highly voted up, ‘cause it’s a big problem.
Maddox: It’s about in the 700 range right now.
Dick: That’s not high enough.
Maddox: Not high enough, no. But yeah man, vote up Lesser Minds, guys. Vote up Anti-Intellectualism. These are all problems that lead to Humorless Stupid People.
Dick: But the humor is easy to spot, ‘cause you can’t peg someone if they’re like, “Are you anti-intellectual?” or what? But you know when somebody doesn’t think something’s funny, right?
Dick: That’s a good test.
Maddox: ‘Cause they’re not laughing. And they’re usually the only ones not laughing.
Maddox: Or they’re offended too easily.
Maddox: They’re hypersensitive.
Sean: Were you guys ever around a bunch of dumbasses…
Dick: (interjects) I’m around them right now!
Sean: Ugh, fuck you. (Dick and Maddox laughs) And you’re the smart one in the group, and somebody tries to burn you, and everybody laughs, even though it wasn’t clever at all?!
Dick: Yeah. Yeah!! (grins)
Sean: It’s like, “No, you didn’t get me.”
Sean: “That was a stupid-ass joke.”
Dick: Oh, dude, um, I just saw this vid…you know Christopher Hitchins?
Dick: Do you like that guy?
Sean: Well, he’s dead.
Maddox: Eh, he’s okay.
Dick: He’s okay. Okay. He was on…he was on Bill Maher ripping on a…a ‘George Bush is dumb’ joke that Bill Maher was making to the audience.
Dick: And he just…Hitchins just says, “That’s a joke for stupid people.” And breaks it down for the aud…it’s like…breaks it down for the audience.
Sean: There you go.
Dick: Basically calling all of them stupid.
Dick: And everyone on the panel. It’s a great video, ‘cause it’s so uncomfortable.
Dick: Like, you…Bill Maher’s reaction is just, like, “Come on.” (Maddox laughs) Like, he’s just like begging him to stop, ‘cause he just like exposed that whole show for what it is.
Maddox: I love it.
Sean: He’s MUCH smarter than Bill Maher.
Dick: It’s great. It’s great. Oh, God, he’s a brilliant guy! Um…
Maddox: Um, yeah, so…
Dick: (interjects) Speaking of idiots, let’s talk about the Batter’s Box.
Maddox: Oh, okay, sure.
Maddox: You got your ass blasted a little bit for this.
Dick: Well, I got a couple texts, people were like, “Are you sure you don’t mean the on-deck circle?”
Dick: I was like, “Yeah, yes. Obviously yes. I played baseball for 20 years.”
Dick: And I miss, like, I call it a baseball stick. You know, when you’re in the batter’s box…
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Warming up with your baseball stick so the ball thrower, the chucker, they call it in baseball…(Sean laughs)
Dick: He chucks it over, uh…home.
Maddox: The chucker. Uh-huh.
Dick: He chucks it over the home diamond.
Maddox: The home diamond, right.
Dick: And that’s where you take your stroke.
Dick: To try to contact the baseball puck.
Dick: That’s how I understand it.
Maddox: And then you run down to the first headquarters.
Dick: The first headquarters, right.
Maddox: Yeah, and then you can sometimes steal second headquarters.
Dick: Well, you…I don’t know about stealing. You definitely…(Maddox laughs)
Sean: You burglarize.
Dick: You endeavor to usurp the second headquarters.
Maddox: Right. Right.
Dick: Yeah…(stammers) yeah, obviously, I fucked that up.
Maddox: I saw so many comments calling you, “Hey Dick, it’s the on-deck circle.”
Maddox: And I was gonna come in here and bust your balls a bunch about it, and then as I was thinking that statement, I forgot what it was called, and so I wrote it down just to make sure I get it correct. On-deck circle. Okay, you nerds. You baseball nerds are fucking ruining everything!!
Dick: I don’t know why I fucked it up! I fucked it up multiple times on the show, referring to the Batter’s Box, too.
Maddox: Yeah. Whatever. (stammers) Everyone knew what you were talking about. These technical nerds. You know what you…you know what happened to you, is what happened to me last episode, which is I got called out for being a Poke casual. You get these baseball nerds…
Dick: (interjects) Well, they’re right.
Maddox: You know what? Fuck you!
Dick: They’re right, though.
Maddox: Then you’re a baseball casual, you fucking…(Dick laughs)
Dick: (interjects) Yeah! No, I…I have no defense for that.
Maddox: You cuck!! (laughs)
Dick: They’re absolutely right.
Maddox: Ahhh. What a cuckold. Um…(they crack up)
Dick: It’s fun to say, though!!!
Dick: How can you shit on it? It’s great to say!
Maddox: Sure. It’s…you know, but we’re doing it ironically, but that’s all they have! That’s…they’re not verbal…they’re not linguists. They’re not cunning linguists.
Dick: Oh, please. (scoffs)
Maddox: That’s all they have! Anyway, uh, guys. I got a big announcement to make. Before we move on. We’ll get to some of the comments and stuff. But, uh…we’ll be taking a small break for the next two episodes, so Episode 105 will resume on Tuesday, May 30th. I need to take a little bit of time off because I’m gearing up for the launch of the new podcast and the new podcasting network. Uh, it’s gonna be the next step in growing this brand. Bringing in a new audience, and more new shows. And guys, this is gonna be good for everybody, and the network, and the show, because the rising tide will lift all ships, and as the network grows, it gives us a bigger reach, more sponsorship opportunities, and a lot of new fans have been asking about, such as videos, produced segments, and possibly even live meet-ups, which is another thing we’ve been talking about for a long time.
Maddox: It’s an exciting time, and I thank you all for your support. So for the next two weeks, here’s what we’re gonna do. This is the plan. We’re gonna have a “Best Of” episode over the next two weeks, and I think you guys will really enjoy these episodes, because much of the show is pretty modular, believe it or not. Um, you’d be surprised…
Dick: (interjects) I believe it. (they laugh)
Maddox: You’d be surprised how well you can mix and match some of these episodes and find some surprising correlations and unintended meaning when you combine certain problems. Uh, it should be a lot of fun to listen to guys. I think you’ll really enjoy it. And if there are any problems in particular that the fans liked, any fan favorites? I’d like to see them in the comments. Below. We’ll make some mix and match episodes and see what we cook up! It should be a lot of fun to listen to. But yeah, we’ll be back May…
Dick: (interjects) I think fans should send in some problems. That would be a good idea.
Maddox: Fan problems?
Maddox: How…oh, you mean record them?
Maddox: Oh, well. I dunno. We’re gonna have more sho…(they laugh) We’re gonna have more shows. More high-quality shows on this network. If you enjoy this podcast and the voice that we bring to it, there’ll be…I’m going to look for more opportunities for different hosts to bring that kind of voice. And again, once this network gets bigger, we’ll be able to do a lot more. Live meet-ups is something I’ve wanted to do forever, right, Dick?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. We’ve talked about this in the past. It’s just a matter of budget and timing and logistics, a lot of times.
Dick: Uh…speaking of announcements. I got a lot of calls regarding this.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hello, Hyke Dullian, or Hake Dyllian, as Dick said that other time. (Maddox laughs) And I just want to point out that…
Maddox: Own it!
“…that it’s been 52 episodes, one whole year, since Maddox first announced that he was writing a third book.”
“…with no title yet and a big, giant black thing where, like, his book title was supposed to be. (Maddox giggles) And he promised us…
Maddox: It’s a silhouette, shithead!!
“…(goofy voice) I’m gonna be releasing the title, guys, so stay tuned! (Maddox laughs) 52 EPISODES LATER, one fucking year later, and nothing!! What the fuck have you been doing with your time, huh? (goofy voice) “Oh, I know…casting at Twitch and losing at Street Fighter..(inaudible)”
Maddox: Shut up!
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Dick: He’s plugging your thing!
Maddox: Asshole! (Dick laughs)
(they talk over the voice mail) “And uhhh….I have to, uh, make the whole video about how Disney ruined the Little Mermaid.” (they all laugh) “Oh, great. Great quality stuff. (Dick cackles) How’s your book coming, dick? Dick, love you. And I love the show.”)
Dick: Oh, thanks.
Maddox: Wait, what? Oh, he was calling me a dick.
Dick: He was calling you a dick.
Maddox: And then comma, Dick, with a capital D.
Dick: He should have called you a cuck!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: To make it easier to understand.
Maddox: Very confusing.
Dick: I got another one about…well, go ahead.
Maddox: Oh, okay. Yeah, I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing, Hake Dilly-ann. You’re listening to it, shithead! I’ve been editing these shitty episodes and your shitty voicemail, and all this other bullshit! It all piles up. Look, the book’s coming along just fine, alright? Don’t worry about it. It’s gonna come, it’s gonna be great. He’s gonna be HUGE. (giggles) It’s gonna be tremendous. It’s gonna be…the best words are gonna be in this book.
Dick: Okay. Um…I don’t think we need to go through any more of these.
Maddox: No, let’s hear it, let’s hear it. ‘Cause I know you brought one in. (laughing)
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hey Maddox, so it was 52 episodes ago…(they laugh) or exactly one year…”
Maddox: Did you put them up to this?!
Dick: No!!!!! I didn’t even know!
“That you first announced that you were writing a new book. In that time…”
Dick: Do you think I know what happened 52 weeks ago?! Fuck no!!!
“(inaudible as they talk over him) …been fired from my job, Jon Snow was killed and resurrected, and we’ve learned NOTHING else about your fucking book!”
Maddox: Okay. Alright. (Dick laughs)
“And weren’t you also on a game show?! What the fuck happened with that?!!”
Maddox: Yeah, the game show…
“Now you’re telling us that you’re making some podcast network? Get the fuck out of here. (Dick laughs)”
Maddox: Get the fuck out of here, shithead! (Dick and Sean crack up)
“I love you, I’m crazy about you, baby, but I think you’re making all of this shit up.”
Maddox: Yeah, I’m tired of this voice mail! Cut him off!!
“I don’t think any of this shit is ever coming out!!”)
Dick: You got three seconds. (giggles)
Maddox: Great. Oh, wonderful. (Dick giggles) Wonderful. Wonderful! You know what? You know what you fucking morons don’t understand, right?
Dick: He said he got laid nine times since you’ve announced your book.
Maddox: Nine times!
Dick: Yeah. That’s what he said in the beginning of that v…
Maddox: I don’t believe it. Not that voice! No way.
Maddox: No way. You get a chick in the sack with that voice, she’s going right to sleep!! (laughs) Look, what the hell do you guys know about writing a book? Do you know how long it takes? No! No one’s an auth…I’m a writer!!
Dick: (groans) Ohhhhh, boy.
Maddox: Right?! And I…(guffaws) I know what it takes to write a book. These people don’t.
(Maddox clip: “You know, I’m a writer.” (scoff))
Maddox: There you go.
(Maddox clip: “You know, I’m a writer.” (scoff))
Dick: We’ll just play this.
(Maddox clip: “You know, I’m a writer.” (scoff))
Maddox: The whole time? The rest of the episode?
Dick: You don’t even need to respond to him.
(Maddox clip: “You know, I’m a writer.” (scoff))
Maddox: You know what? We’ll just fill the rest of the episode with this…
(Maddox clip: “You know, I’m a writer.” (scoff))
Maddox: With this drop…and I’ll go write my book.
Dick: That’s what next week should be!
(Maddox clip: “You know, I’m a writer.” (scoff))
Dick: An hour of this.
(Maddox clip: “You know, I’m a writer.” (scoff))
Maddox: That’s not a bad idea, Dick!
Maddox: For some iTunes listeners, too, that’s what it was, ‘cause I think that went out by accident one day?
Dick: It did. Um…
Maddox: Alright guys.
Dick: Do you wanna do…do you wanna move on to problems, now? We’re already at…
Maddox: Yeah. We got…yeah. We got…Dick, what do you…start us off. What’s the biggest problem in the universe?
Dick: Did you have more things, or did you want me to go?
Maddox: Yeah, but you know, it’s getting top heavy. Let’s get to the problems.
Dick: Always is. (sighs) That’s why these episodes are the best. Top heavy. (Maddox giggles) That’s the word you think of when you think of this podcast. Top…big ol’ titties. Alright, my problem is…(long pause) Tipping.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Dick: Yeah. Tipping.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: The whole thing.
Dick: Having to shell out additional money for something that you already got.
Dick: Eating dinner. What’s it cost? 30 bucks? Nope.
Dick: Uuuuughhhh. The whole industry.
Dick: I fucking hate tipping.
Dick: I hate tipping.
Maddox: Huge problem!
Dick: I hate it.
Maddox: I’m with you.
Dick: Hate it.
Maddox: I hate it too!
Dick: Hate doing it.
Dick: Feel…I feel like a cuck.
Dick: Every time I do it, I hate doing it. And you know what the worst thing is now?
Dick: Used to be, you sit down, you get some kind of a service, and you gotta tip…’cause…’cause we all feel sorry for the people doing that job, right?
Dick: That’s why we’re stuck with it.
Dick: ‘Cause we feel sorry for them.
Dick: Okay. I can cope with that. But now…now…recently, people just start throwing that tip line. On the receipt.
Dick: Now, you go to…you go to, like, a fancy…here’s where they…this is HOW they get you! You go to, like, Tender Greens, which is like a more upscale cafeteria experience?
Dick: Uhh…you get to the end of the line. It’s…here…it’s the same as McDonald’s. You’re walking up to a person and you say what you want, except instead of a Big Mac, you’re getting a quinoa duck burger, right?
Dick: And it costs twice as much.
Dick: But it’s the same experience.
Dick: They’re doing the same thing on the other side of the counter.
Maddox: Same amount of work or lack or w…they’re just taking your order, punching it into the machine…
Dick: Yeah. And then someone who doesn’t speak English makes your food, right?
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: And then you get it on the other end, except what they DO, what makes them different than McDonald’s, is they put a little line for tip at the end!
Dick: And you’re like, what the fuck? Why is there a line for tipping here?!
Dick: And who…AND PEOPLE DO IT!! (yells)
Dick: I certainly never fucking do!! I NEVER TIP THOSE PEOPLE!!! But it’s like…why am I seeing this here, now?!!?!
Sean: Yeah, unless someone brings me my food, there’s no tip in those.
Dick: Oh, fuck no!
Sean: Skip right over that line.
Maddox: But even then, man. It seems like this forced gimmick that they try to use to justify their tip. I mean, here’s the thing, man. If you’re working in the restaurant industry or the service industry or whatever job that you have to supplement your income with tips. Wouldn’t it just be better to have a living wage paid to you so that we don’t have to guilt customers? And then you also risk getting no tip sometimes, if you have a bad night and you have a bunch of customers come in, especially tourists!!! Because this is an American phenomenon for the most part.
Maddox: Yeah. So if you get a bunch of Europeans coming through, or…people who don’t…you know, from another country that don’t tip…
Maddox: Uh, they might come to your restaurant in a big part of 10, 20 people.
Maddox: That you have to service all night long…keep bringing them drinks and bringing them…you know, their appetizers, and clearing plates, and…and taking care of everybody. And then you get no tip at the end of the night? That’s a shitty night, man.
Sean: Lot of…
Maddox: (interjects) And that’s a lot of pressure to put on servers.
Sean: Lot of central and South American countries don’t tip.
Sean: And if Americans go down there, they don’t want you to tip.
Dick: (interjects) No, ‘cause you ruin it.
Sean: Or if you do, a very small amount because, yeah.
Sean: You ruin it.
Sean: For them.
Dick: With your American Imperialist tipping. Marching all over the globe ruining their society. Well, you know. It’s…restaurants get away with that, because they can calculate the tips and pay them less than minimum wage, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Sean: And don’t they…
Dick: (interjects) So it’s like they…go ahead.
Sean: Don’t they redistribute the tips a lot of the time?
Dick: Amongst all the waiters and waitresses?
Sean: Yeah, that’s what I mean. So it’s like, if you know, the good ones subsidize the shitty ones.
Dick: Well, it’s ALSO…like, a really…’cause you don’t have to split tips with the restaurant staff, right? It’s just legally, I think, you just split it among the waiters and waitresses.
Dick: Now with the…so at a really expensive restaurant, there’s a huge wage disparity between the waiters and waitresses and the kitchen staff.
Dick: I brought in a bunch of stats on this ‘cause I fucking hate tipping, but…go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, and the captain! There’s the…
Dick: (interjects) Captain of the..sh…of the…
Maddox: (interjects) I forget what it’s called. It’s like the…the…
Dick: Of the ship?!
Maddox: No. It’s like the hosting captain, or the tip captain or something like that. The…the wait captain. There’s a captain, and then they get a separate tip from the servers. I found out…Curb Your Enthusiasm did a whole episode about this, but that’s a real phenomenon in higher end restaurants where they have, like, a wait captain, and then the wait captain gets a percentage of all the servers’ tips…
Dick: (interjects) He gets a fiefdom?
Maddox: Yea…(laughs) Yeah! Exactly.
Dick: Oh, my God! It’s so regressive!
Dick: That’s just…just pay them…make a deal…you deal with them, you pay them, and just don’t fuck up the service! Like, are we…are we pretending that $6 versus $4 that I’m gonna tip this broad has any effect on how quickly I’m getting another soda?! You know what I mean?
Dick: Like, I got a $30 meal, let’s say.
Dick: So I’m gonna tip $6, because I’m a huge cuck! (Maddox laughs) And I’m like, “Well, I gotta tip 20%.” In my mind, I hate it. I wanna slap…I just want to put down money. I don’t want it to be related to…I don’t want to put down anything.
Dick: I wanna pretend that this is a job, and not some, like…weird quasi-flesh trade.
Dick: Where I’m dealing out money because this waitress flirted with me.
Dick: So are we pretending that…her behavior is gonna be affected by the difference between a 10% tip and a 20% tip, which, in this scenario, is $3?!
Dick: Are we this fucking stupid that we’re collectively deluding ourselves into thinking that tipping somehow has anything to do with service?!
Dick: That’s fucking retarded!!!
Maddox: And it…
Dick: What…go ahead!
Maddox: And it puts you in the position of being a hiring manager, that you have to evaluate their performance during your fucking meal! You have to remember if they greeted you, if they came promptly, if they brought your food to you correctly, if it’s warm…you have to be that hiring manager?! Can’t you just sit down and enjoy the fucking meal?! Why do I have to sit there and evaluate your performance and then pay you?!
Dick: Yeah. This isn’t an HR interview!!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah!!
Dick: Like…wh…just bring me the food!!
Dick: And…and how about the restaurant, YOU GUYS make sure your service is good!
Dick: Don’t put that on me!!!
Maddox: No! It’s your fucking job! Don’t make ME the manager! If I’m the fucking manager, then you pay me, shitheads!!! You know, and the big argument, Dick, is that without tipping, service will go to shit, right?! The service will be awful. There’s no incentive for people to come bring you your food. However…
Dick: (interjects) That doesn’t work for my mechanic! I don’t have to tip him!
Maddox: (laughs) Exactly!
Dick: Like…(laughs) and that’s pretty…that’s a lot more important than getting six Diet Cokes in an hour!
Dick: Is making sure the wheels stay on my fucking car!
Maddox: Sure! You don’t have to tip your mechanic, and he does his fucking job!!
Dick: Or my doctor.
Maddox: Or bank tellers.
Dick: Or my dentist!
Dick: Hey, hey, bank teller, make sure all this deposit gets in my account, eh? (Maddox cracks up) Here’s a little something to make it worth your while. Make sure…keep it fair. Keep it fair.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, in fact, go ahead and just skim off the top, because I don’t have it. As soon as you deposit it, then I’ll have it, but go ahead and keep a little bit!
Dick: Keep a little bit for yourself.
Dick: For your troubles. For your troubles. For your troubles. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Like a casino! Like a pit boss. In a casino, or something, you know?
Maddox: (laughing) Um…
Maddox: So there’s this fairy tale that service will go to shit, but you go to restaurants in Europe, and the service is just fine!
Dick: Service is great!
Maddox: Yeah!! They greet you with a smile, they’re happy…everything’s…everyone’s taken care of, and they’re getting a living wage. They’re getting taken care of. You don’t have to sit here and play this game where you’re their hiring manager!
Dick: It’s psychotic.
Maddox: Yeah! It’s insane.
Dick: I…I just had this thought. I wonder if it’s, like, some kind of sneaky, tacit conspiracy of, like, business owners? To obscure the pathway to raises among their employees. Like, if I’m…okay. Here’s a little Dick tip for you. If you’re…if you want to fuck employees over, the best way to do that is to put abstract impediments toward their pathway to get a raise. Like, the last thing you want, if you’re running, like, a big company and you want to keep costs down for employees, is for them to be able to just ask you directly for a raise.
Dick: You want to say…(stammers) “we have performance reviews.” That’s the time you ask for a raise.
Dick: Oh, you got a hiring manager. You gotta ask them. ‘Cause then you could say, “If anybody gets a raise, you’re fucking fired.”
Dick: Like, the more…the more impediments you put up…the more impediments you put up to someone getting a raise, the more money you keep. So we’ve got this system where ALL of the service industry can’t ask for a raise, ‘cause how much are they making?
Dick: I have no fucking i…when I…I brought this in…
Dick: …because Uber recently settled a big lawsuit where they had to pay out, like, 100 million dollars or something.
Dick: To all the people who have art history degrees who are driving me home drunk. Right?
Maddox: Tim Changzzzzz? (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (giggles) No, no. This was Uber, not Lyft.
Maddox: Oh, okay. (laughs)
Dick: I’ll never use Lyft again. (Maddox laughs) Um…they had to pay all of this money, and one of the fears that was expressed, and certainly that I had, was that Uber would make tipping part of the experience.
Dick: Like…I would use Uber…Uber could cost twice as much as a cab. I’d still use it, because number one, it’s easy. And number two, there’s no tipping. There’s no fucking…have you ever tipped in an Uber?
Dick: No! Did you know that you can?
Maddox: No, I didn’t.
Dick: Oh! You can go back through after your ride, and give them a tip!
Maddox: When did that happen?
Dick: That’s always…as far as I understand, that’s always been there.
Dick: I’ve seen the screen…
Dick: Yeah! And I…I wouldn’t…but I would never use it.
Dick: What kind of a psycho was…so my concern was…’cause I would use this…my concern was that after the lawsuit, part of their “we treat our drivers fairly” would be to gr…jab…cram a TIP screen into your face when you’re done with the Uber ride!
Dick: Which would be a nightmare. ‘Cause then you’re sitting at the guy…then all of a sudden, millions of people would see that fuckin’ line.
Dick: That wasn’t there before. Tip. And some percentage of people are gonna do it.
Dick: And that percentage never goes down. Like…(stammers) it only climbs.
Dick: Tender Greens throws that line up…
Dick: People start tipping. Pretty soon, you’re gonna be tipping at McDonald’s. Because you’ll feel like an asshole. Like you feel like an asshole now!!!
Dick: NOT TIPPING ON A $30 MEAL!!!
Maddox: Yeah. South Park kind of did something similar to this. It wasn’t about tipping, but it’s about how sometimes grocery stores put a cause that you can support at the end of your payment, right?
Maddox: Round up to help support the community, or help feed kids, or whatever. Help this fund. And it…it becomes this way of guilting you every single time you make a transaction. You just…you…look. You work ten hours a day, twelve hours a day. You go to the grocery store. You just want a fucking sandwich and go home and masturbate and go to sleep. You don’t want to feel like you’re guilted about having to make a decision about the rest of the fucking community when all you want is a fucking shitty sandwich from the deli.
Maddox: Every single time. So Dick, I have…I brought in an argument. Well, I wanna hear some of the stats. I’m sure you did tons of research.
Dick: Oh, my God, I mean, well, I just printed out some article that was on…(Maddox laughs) Somebody else did all this research, I didn’t fucking do it. Uh, it pushes waiters into poverty and keeps him there. Uhhh, in most states, restaurants are allowed to pay waiters for less than minimum wage because of tipping, right?
Dick: Uhh, let’s see. Lemme get some…lemme try to find some interesting ones.
Maddox: (interjects) Which is insane if you think about it. Why is that a thing? Why are they allowed to skirt the law? Why is this one industry allowed to skirt the law about minimum wages…just because they invented this whole tipping phenomenon?
Dick: Well, I don’t like the idea of a minimum wage, but I agree with you. Why are they allowed to skirt the law, because of that?
Dick: Like, that part’s bullshit. Um…servers make less…lemme see, here. (sighs) I’m trying to find something good.
Maddox: Well, I have…I have…just for the sake of..
Dick: (interjects) It’s all just the shit that we’ve been talking about, but go ahead.
Maddox: Sure. Well, just for the sake of the other side of the argument. Now…Dick, I am 100% on board with you. I think tipping is a scourge.
Maddox: Uh…Adam Ruins Everything did a great episode about this, too, but…one thing that…that I have heard, recently. This is as recent as last weekend. I was at a restaurant with a server who used to work there. It was her last day. She quit, uh, to move on and do a different profession. And the phenomenon of tipping came up, because she was talking about different tables. She said, “Oh, that table over there, they’re probably not gonna tip. This one over here tips really well, etc, etc.”
Maddox: You kind of get a feel for the customers, right?
Maddox: Then I asked her what she feels about tipping. And she says she’s strongly for. Uh, and so just to hear the other side of the debate…this server said that if it weren’t for tips, she would never in a million years work at this job, and she said that most people wouldn’t either, because you bust your ass working those type of jobs, and she says some nights, she’s able to pull $150, $300 in tips alone. Which makes it worth her while. And it’s helped fund her through school. It’s helped fund her different projects, and now the career that she’s going into. And again, I’m against tipping, but this is her argument.
Dick: Well, it’s…let’s go back to the IQ thing. Like, the humor people.
Dick: Right? Humorless stupid people.
Dick: ‘Cause it’s like, “Baby. Baby…baby. (Maddox scoffs, laughs) You understand that if there was no tipping, they would have to pay you more?” Like that’s the whole point of tipping is…like, you agree to do the job at a price that makes it worth it. You started this job ‘cause tipping exists.
Dick: Like, it’s not like a SURPRISE that you’re a waitress! “Wow, I got all this extra money at the end. This is just a big bonus!”
Dick: “I didn’t even account for it!” Durr. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Well, so, I…(laughs)
Dick: Like, what the fuck?! Of course you need the tips, ‘cause they’re BUILT INTO the negotiation in the first place! (angry)
Maddox: Right. So, I made that argument. I said, “Well, what if it was a reasonable wage? What if it was enough that it was worth your while?”
Maddox: Because I think her average…
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Her average was something like $19 an hour with tips. And she said, “Here’s what you don’t understand.” (stammers) because she said without tips, it would be something like 8, 9 dollars an hour, whatever minimum wage was.
Maddox: So she said, “Even if they paid me $19 an hour…” She said that would raise the price of the meal for everyone across the board. So that’s the other side of the equation. Are you okay with restaurants…
Dick: Yeah, we’ll raise it to $36, which I ALREADY FUCKING PAY WITH THE TIP!!! Like, just stop…take out me, the middle man!!
Dick: Pay them what they need and CHARGE ME! WHAT THE FUCK! Just like the mechanic does with my fucking tires!!!
Maddox: So you’re okay with paying more for every meal, as long as you don’t have to tip.
Dick: It’s not more. That’s what I’m already paying. I just don’t feel like I’m getting shafted! Like, I don’t feel better because I’m like, “Oh, I’m gonna whittle this person down from 36 to 35.”
Dick: Like, “Ah, I feel like such a better person ‘cause I gave em 20% or 22%.” Just charge me the fucking price!
Maddox: I just realized, Dick, that what we are doing as tippers…is we’re subsidizing people who don’t tip.
Dick: Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll give you that.
Maddox: We have to. We have to, because if everybody comes in and they all pay the same price, first of all…the restaurant’s gonna make more money. The waiters and waitresses are gonna make more money, right?
Maddox: You no longer have to worry about these shitheads who don’t tip. Uh, people…and people who just…you know what? They might not be shitheads. They just don’t understand our culture, they’re coming to visit. They’re tourists. They come into a restaurant to grab a bite to eat, and then they shaft the waiter or waitress unintentionally, because they don’t know our customs.
Dick: I also think it’s disgusting that girls have to flirt with guys to get paid for it.
Dick: Like, you get more tips if you a put a heart on your receipt…
Dick: …or if you write your name on your receipt. I think that’s fucking disgusting.
Maddox: Well, I think it’s hot as shit. (laughs)
Dick: Tchyeah! (laughs)
Maddox: They write that little heart in there, I’m like, “Ah, she really likes me. Oh, yeah.”
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Dick: No, I slapped down. I was at a bar a long time ago, and I slapped a 20 down on the bill.
Dick: And my friend’s, like, I’m dr…I was at that phase of drunk where you’re the richest man in the world. (Sean chuckles)
Dick: You know, and the waitress was hot, and I was flirting with her for, like, eight hours.
Dick: It was a real bender of a day. (Maddox giggles) So I slap a 20 down as a tip at the end and my friend’s, like, “What do you think, that’s gonna get you laid?” (Maddox laughs) And I’m like, “Well, I didn’t think that, but it definitely is.”
Dick: (Maddox cracks up) Like, are you…have you never met a person before? Yeah. Money is the…money’s the most fucking…you think no one’s ever gotten laid because of money!?
Dick: Are you a fucking jdiot?!
Dick: Like, you’ve introduced…(Maddox laughs) a sexual transaction into something where it wasn’t in the first place!!
Dick: (interjects) And I did fuck that waitress, by the way!!
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Just to put that rumor TO BED.
Maddox: Yeah, bitch. (they all laugh) Uh, but really, what’s the difference, if you’re doing that, and what’s the difference between just going out on a date and trying to impress a girl and take her to a really nice restaurant? It’s the same fucking thing!! Except instead of tipping her for working for you, you’re tipping the waitress who’s working for you, and still trying to impress a girl!
Maddox: Either way, it’s…
Dick: (interjects) Or…
Dick: Or you get a guy…
Dick: Who’s real funny. You get one of these guy waiters when you’re on a date, and he’s, like, cracking jokes, and I’m like motherfucker, if you say…if you make one more joke, you are getting a z…like, you’re getting punched in the…(Maddox groans) You’re gonna open the receipt, when I pay for it, and my fucking fist is gonna fly out of it and knock your ass out! What are you, buttering her up?!
Dick: What…(stammers) and these chicks, like, giggle…(Maddox groans) over waiters running their…
Maddox: (interjects) Dumb jokes.
Dick: Running their tight 10-minute material on them?!
Dick: Like, YOU shut the fuck up, and you, waiter, you DEFINITELY shut your fucking mouth!
Dick: I’m here for dinner, not dinner and a show!
Maddox: I’m no cuckold, buddy! (laughs)
Dick: Oh, yeah. No fucking way!!
Maddox: You know what? I was at a restaurant a long time ago, when I was in Utah, I went on a date to, believe it or not, the Olive Garden, because that’s what she wanted.
Dick: (interjects) I believe that.
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cracks up) It wasn’t my choice, shithead!! I don’t go to restaurants with casters on the wheels, normally. This is the girl. The girl loved Olive Garden, so I’m like, “Okay, we’ll go to fucking Olive Garden, I guess.”
Dick: Uh-huh. (laughing)
Maddox: You know. Get some real authentic Hospitaliano.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: So we’re….(laughing)
Dick: Yeah, lemme get some processed…
Sean: It’s the Italian Denny’s.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: Yeah, the Italian Denny’s, Sean! That’s exactly what it is!! Uh, so we walk into this place, and the waiter comes by and just constantly with the jokes! Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke! And they were just so cringe-y.
Maddox: And I wasn’t laughing. She wasn’t laughing. We were both kinda, like, looking down at our menus and putting our hands up to our brows…
Dick: Trying to do the maze. Get Ollie the Olive back to Naples? (Maddox cracks up) Or whatever the maze on the…
Maddox: Yeah. I’m, like, scribbling as hard as I can with this crayons on my little…on my menu. So anyway, this guy keeps telling these jokes, and he comes over eventually, ‘cause they give you…
Sean: (interjects) That’s why his book is taking so long.
Dick: (giggles) Why? His coloring?
Sean: ‘Cause he’s scribbling on Olive Garden menus with crayons.
Maddox: Shut up, Sean! This was, like, 10 years ago!!! No, longer than that! This was a long-ass time ago.
Dick: This was during your first three-year book, right? (background laughter)
Maddox: Fuck you! So this waiter came by, like, after all these jokes and stuff, and they bring you unlimited breadsticks and salad, oh my God!
Maddox: So he comes over with the Parmesan cheese, he goes, “Would you guys like more cheese?” I’m like, “No thanks, we’ve had enough.”
Dick: Oh, boy. (Maddox laughs) That’s like dating a New Yorker cartoon with you.
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up( (background laughter) Alright.
Dick: That’s my problem.
Maddox: Is that all you got, Dick? Move on?
Dick: Yeah, I’m done.
Maddox: Alright, Dick.
Dick: I’m done with this stupid problem. I hate tipping so much.
Maddox: Well…I got…
Dick: (interjects) And then people, like, BRAG about, “Oh, I’m…” then you get, like, the service sucks, but, like, “Well, I’m not gonna tip this bitch. I’m not gonna tip this waiter.” It’s like, “Yeah, you are.” (stammers) So what?! No one cares! You wanna…you wanna be a man?! Get in their face! Go talk to their man…like, you’re NOT GONNA TIP them and that’s gonna SHOW THEM. Fuck you! They already lost at life. What are you gonna do?! What more are you gonna do to them? You know what I mean?
Maddox: Yeah. It’s cruel!
Dick: This…everyone acts like such a BIGSHOT.
Dick: Because they hold that power of tipping over everyone else. Fuck you!
Maddox: Sure. I’m your fucking bus! I’m paying you! It’s that snark that you have that you come into the restaurant with that air of authority and snark!
Maddox: And it makes everyone’s live s MORE miserable.
Dick: Yeah, it does.
Maddox: Yeah. It makes you a prick!
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: You’re eating with a bunch of dicks. Alright. I got a big problem, Dick. Which…may be a component of the Tipping problem.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Uh-huh. Bureaucracy, buddy! This is a huge problem.
Dick: I know.
Maddox: Ohhhh, boy. Where do I start? So…in a nutshell…
Dick: (interjects) Let’s start with libertarian…(Maddox laughs)
Maddox: In a nutshell, here’s an experience that I think we’ve all had. You call in to customer service…
Maddox: About a problem with…yeah. Sean’s already groaning. (Dick laughs) You call in to customer service about a problem with your cell phone, right? They ask you if you rebooted your phone, like an idiot.
Maddox: It’s what most people do automatically when something doesn’t work. We’re all trained to do that. It’s the first step of EVERY troubleshooting manual. Turn the power off and turn it back on. Got it. Don’t condescend to me, okay?
Maddox: I’m calling customer service, not as a first resort, shithead! (Dick chuckles) So then, they have you do a hard wipe. So rebooting the phone doesn’t work…
Maddox: Their next recourse is just to do a hard wipe on your fucking cell phone. They’re asking you to completely delete and replace all your operating system files, all your settings, all your personal files, pictures, music, ringtones, text files, documents, notes, EVERYTHING! That’s step two!! If rebooting didn’t work, it’s like taking your car into a shop because the engine light came on, and the mechanic says, “Did you turn the car on and off again? Yeah? Well…time to rebuild the engine.”
Maddox: It’s fucking insanity. And then, step four is…if deleting all of your operating system files and wiping your cell phone clean…doesn’t work, they suggest contacting the manufacturer. So you’re supposed to call, like, a Tokyo-based company, or Apple, or whoever, and hunt down the manufacturer’s phone number.
Dick: Well, Apple, you just go into the store.
Maddox: Oh, sure. (scoffs)
Dick: To deal with any of this stuff.
Maddox: Yeah, those geniuses take real good care of you.
Dick: Drop it off. They do! They’ll replace your shit.
Sean: How would you know? You’re not allowed in!
Dick: Yeah! You don’t know!
Maddox: Yeah. No, I go to Apple stores.
Dick: They don’t even let your website in there.
Sean: I thought you were banned.
Maddox: Well, my…my content.
Dick: Just his website.
Maddox: My website is banned in Apple stores.
Maddox: But I constantly go to Apple stores and load up my…
Dick: In protest?! (they all laugh)
Maddox: I load up…my fans do this too, it’s hilarious. I get photos all the time of them loading up my YouTube page where I’m bitching about Apple, and they leave it on ALL the tablets in the store.
Maddox: ‘Cause that’s what people used to do with my website, too. They’d pull up the iPhone Sucks article, and just load it up on all the iPhones.
Dick: Ohhh. That’s the Maddox Militia at work! (grins)
Sean: The one I was in had a picture of you on the wall.
Maddox: Did it really? Get outta here. (laughing)
Sean: “Do not take checks from this man.”
Maddox: Yeah, right. It was probably a portrait. It was probably framed.
Dick: But this isn’t…that’s not bureaucracy, though. Customer service?
Maddox: Oh, man, it’s the BIGGEST bureaucracy!
Maddox: So then, after you call the manufacturer, here's what happens. Right? So you get off the phone with the phone carrier.
Maddox: Then you call the manufacturer and you repeat the same steps. You tell them about your phone, you tell 'em about the problem you're having with your phone, you tell...they...and then they tell you to reboot your phone like you already haven't done it a billion fucking times. Then they tell you to do a hard wipe, so again, the same fuckin' steps. And it sounds familiar because guess who's telling the phone carrier the troubleshooting steps? It's the manufacturer!!
Maddox: When you call the phone carrier, they're getting these instructions from the manufacturer. And when all of that fails, guess what they say? They blame it on the carrier, and they suggest you call them to troubleshoot the problem. They tell you it's a network error, or weather, or acts of God, or ANYTHING, just to get you off the fuckin' phone.
Maddox: It's the worst pass-the-buck mentality, and I'm so fucking sick of it. And they don't care about solving your problem! They don't care about you! They're there to collect a paycheck and to clock out at 5 o'clock every day. They get paid whether they do their job or not, which is why I'm cynical of anyone who thinks that government bureaucracy is a huge problem while turning a blind eye to corporate bureaucracy. They're BOTH bad. And they're bad in the exact same way! Bureaucracy is just the needless procedures and red tape that fills every moment of our lives. We...I mean, we deal with this fuckin' everywhere! Phone companies -
Dick: (interjects) Okay, lemme...
Dick: Well, okay. Okay, okay, okay. So that...you're...'cause all that sounded like tech support. Which sucks. Every...it's worthless. Right? "I got...my router doesn't work." "Did you try unplugging it and plugging it back in?" "Well, I'd like to unplug YOU."
Dick: Like, that's what all tech support is. I don't know if tech support is bureaucracy, though.
Sean: It's set up like that.
Maddox: Yeah, it's set up like a bureaucracy.
Sean: You know, sometimes -
Dick: (interjects) But it all...but let's...like, doesn't it sometimes work? Like, as much as I'm listening to these stupid solutions, those are kinda the solutions I give...like, if somebody calls me and says their phone doesn't work, I'll say, "Turn it off and turn it back on," and a lot of times that works! Like, people who call tech support are not that smart. You know what I mean? Like, they built this system to handle the sheer volume of people who have no fu-...who don't know that the monitor is not the computer. Right?
Maddox: Right, but it -
Dick: (interjects) Like, they have that...that's...those steps exist.
Maddox: Dick, these...this was, like, something that was a phenomenon in the late '90s, when computers were not that prevalent and when smartphones were not that prevalent.
Maddox: Now my...my mom, who is as technically unsavvy as it gets, she knows to reboot her cell phone. She knows, my mom, who has n-...who doesn't know ANYTHING about computers.
Maddox: Every...like, this is no longer this thing where we need to constantly drill these procedures. 'Cause here's where the bureaucracy comes into play: with airlines.
Maddox: For example. Right? Have you ever...this is something I've had to deal with a lot when I've been traveling. Like, uh...on book tour, I don't book my own tickets, so the...the publisher does, right? So sometimes I have to call the airline and have them cha-...make a change to a flight because it got delayed, or I need to transfer someplace else or something. I'll call them, and they'll say...okay, if it's United and I'm transferring with Delta, I'm, uh...I have a branch going to Delta or another carrier?
Maddox: They'll say, "Oh, you need to call Delta."
Dick: Hah, yeah.
Maddox: I'll say, "Okay." So I hang up the phone and I call Delta, and then Delta, I explain to them. I'm like, "Yeah, I didn't book this ticket. Here's my confirmation number."
Maddox: "We can't find it." "Well, fuckin' look for it, 'cause it's there! It exists! I'm...I have this flight booked." Then they finally find it and they say, "Oh, well, we can't transfer you. You need to call United." So then I call United back and I said, "Hey, I just spoke to Delta."
Maddox: "And Delta said I needed to call you guys." And they're like, "No no, it's definitely Delta." I'm like, "You know what? Fuck you! Here's how we're gonna solve this problem," and here's how I solve bureaucracy with airlines, and it's fucking infuriating. Here's what you have to do to solve your problem with airlines. You say, "Look, I know you can do a conference call. I want you to patch in Delta right now, and you're going to handle this with the Delta rep directly."
Dick: Yeah. (hesitant)
Maddox: And it's funny because they call the Delta rep...this actually happened to me one time. A United rep conferenced in a Delta rep, right? And the Delta rep didn't know that the United rep was a United rep. They thought it was a customer.
Dick: Oh, they thought it was just a person?
Dick: Who's gettin' smart with them?
Maddox: Yeah! (Dick laughs) And then they...the Delta rep said -
Dick: (interjects) You really did this?
Maddox: Yeah, I...absolutely!!
Dick: You really pitted two...
Dick: ...reps against each other in a conference call?
Dick: And they...they cooperated with this...
Dick: ...charade with you??
Maddox: They had to! (Dick giggles) And here's what happened. The Delta rep said -
Dick: (interjects) Why isn't your publisher doing this, by the way? Speaking of bureaucracy.
Maddox: 'Cause it was like 6 in the morning, and no one in New York was in the office.
Dick: No one in New York is awake at 9 A.M.... (chuckles) ...on a workday in New York.
Maddox: No no, this was in...this was on the east coast. It was 6 in the morning in the...
Dick: Oh, you were on the east coast.
Maddox: ...on the east coast.
Sean: This is totally something Maddox would do.
Maddox: Oh, yeah!
Sean: This is the guy who stayed up all night fighting with, like, a 6-year-old on the computer. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: He was 14. Um, so... (cracks up) So I g-...the United rep was talking to the Delta rep, right?
Maddox: The Delta rep said, "Uh, you need to call United to handle this." He goes, "I am United."
Dick: Oh. (chuckling)
Maddox: And he goes, "Excuse me?" And he goes, "Uh, I'm the United rep, actually. We have the customer on the phone with us."
Maddox: And then I'm like, "Ohh, so now you see what I've been dealing with, huh shithead?"
Maddox: And so the two of them started sparring, saying, "Well, it's not our problem," and then United goes, "It's not OUR problem," and I heard them arguing with each other back and forth. Finally Delta relented and said, "Okay, we'll transfer him." And...'cause of course it was, like, Delta's fuckin' responsibility.
Maddox: 'Cause they were providing the next branch of the flight. Like, no one else can change your system, shitheads! So it took me 45 minutes to an hour of arguing with these two morons until one of them...these bumbling idiots got something done.
Maddox: And it took a conference call between having two reps talk to each other. I no longer get involved when it's two customer service agencies, two different bureaucracies? One company and a carrier, or one airline and another airline? I say, "You know what? You guys talk to each other. You solve my problem, because this isn't my fuckin' problem. It's yours."
Sean: Well, this is a symptom of a bigger problem, which is nowadays...I hate this -
Dick: (interjects) Pass the buck.
Sean: Well, yeah, but it's...
Maddox: That's what it is!
Dick: Pass the buck.
Sean: The customer or the consumer has to make -
Dick: (interjects) Is respon-...yeah.
Sean: Has to make the, uh, the service provider be responsible.
Sean: You have to MAKE them do their job.
Dick: Well, that's -
Maddox: (interjects) Maybe they need tips. (laughs)
Sean: It's bullshit.
Dick: I th-...what were you gonna say?
Maddox: Maybe they need tips, yeah.
Dick: Maybe they need tips? Yeah, w-...you think that would help?
Dick: Eh, no. So here...okay. I agree with everything that you're saying.
Dick: And I think everything you're saying is a big problem, but I don't know that it's bureaucracy. Like, I think pass the buck, huge problem. I think tech support, totally worthless. I would love to see...I would love to see some internal stats on what is a tech support. Right? Like, how often does...how often does "unplug it and plug it back in" work?
Dick: Like, it may be a lot!!
Maddox: It usually works! That's usually what you do.
Dick: Yeah! It may be a l-...you know, because all the equipment is fucked.
Dick: And buggy, and nothing works.
Dick: But I do think bureaucracy is slightly different than this pass-the-buck m-...um, that you're encountering. Like, bureaucracy seems more like...what's up, Sean?
Sean: I was gonna say, how 'bout dealing with two different departments of the same company?
Maddox: Ohh, awful.
Sean: You ever have to do that?
Maddox: The worst!
Dick: Well, let's...I mean -
Sean: (interjects) And they're not networked!!
Sean: You have to go through the same steps when you get transferred!
Maddox: Yeah, yep.
Dick: Health insurance.
Dick: Like, trying to get anything reimbursed with health insurance is, like...you'll call them and say, "Yeah, I need you to pay for my, uh, penis reduction surgery."
Dick: Right, guys? (slyly)
Maddox: Yeah. Sure. (chuckles)
Dick: We've all had THAT experience.
Dick: And they're like, "Well, you gotta fill out this form." I'm like, "Well, can't...what...how many forms do I have to fill out?"
Dick: "How many people do I have to...? If I...my previous employer didn't cancel my health insurance, so I can't get on my health insurance at my new company. Can you just fix it?" "I don't know! You gotta call this department and deal with it." Um...you said something else though, that I wanna go back to, which is government and company bureaucracy. Which, both exist.
Maddox: Well, can we get to the government stuff in just a minute? I wanna address what you just said.
Dick: Well, I just wanna say this.
Maddox: Okay, go ahead.
Dick: The reason there's a difference, the reason everyone complains about government bureaucracy, is because company bureaucracy can be, um...another company can come along with less bureaucracy, and the first company will go away.
Dick: With the government, another competitive government can't come a-...you're stuck with that bureaucracy FOREVER.
Dick: Like, that's why it's...that's why everyone hates it so much.
Dick: 'Cause the companies are competitive! They HAVE...they are very incentivized to lessen their bureaucracy. The government is not.
Dick: They just take more money.
Sean: And we're funding the government.
Dick: And we're funding the...and we HAVE to.
Maddox: Yeah. Ta-...
Dick: (interjects) We don't have a choice.
Maddox: Buddy, talk to a Comcast customer in Utah. My friends in Utah are stuck in this desert of Comcast.
Maddox: Which is the WORST fucking cable carrier.
Maddox: They're shitty customer service, shitty support, shitty technology, shitty service, shitty everything!
Maddox: And I tell 'em, "Go with XMission, guys." And this is a plug for XMission, my Internet service provider. They're not paying me for this.
Maddox: I love those guys. They provide great service. But they say, "We can't, because Comcast has a monopoly in our area."
Dick: What do y-...yeah.
Maddox: And same thing in Los Angeles.
Maddox: Same thing in every fuckin' city. They have Verizon areas and AT&T areas, and they don't commingle! They don't compete with each other.
Dick: Do you know how they're able to do that?
Maddox: Well, I'm gonna say...I'm sure you're gonna say subsidies.
Dick: By paying off local governments. No! They flat-out pay local, like, mayors and city council people...
Dick: ...to give them a monopoly of their town. Like, it's...it's small-level government employees selling out their entire town.
Dick: It's SUCH bullshit.
Maddox: But it also comes down to airlines. Airlines are all...they deregulated airlines in the 1970s, right?
Maddox: And airline tickets got a lot cheaper.
Maddox: But the service got a lot worse.
Maddox: And what's happening...what's happening now today with airlines -- they're still deregulated, as they were.
Maddox: Is they're...they keep inching up the cost of the ticket in secret...in hidden ways, behind...like, after the fact. You buy your ticket and you think you're done. "Oh, well, there's a baggage fee." "Oh, well, there's a surplus fee."
Dick: There's a 9/11 fee.
Maddox: "There's a 9/11 fee."
Dick: Did you know -
Maddox: (interjects) "There's a TSA fee."
Dick: They're currently lobbying Congress to try to make Congress allow them to hide all their fees again.
Dick: So we pressured Congress to say, "Okay, airline companies? You can't...you can't just hide all the fees in one price anymore." Right?
Dick: You gotta say, "Here's the ticket price," and then all these bullshit fees.
Dick: They're trying to let them just throw it all up as, like, "Well, there's a bunch of fees!"
Dick: "We're just throwin' all the fees in there. We got no...we got no control over it."
Maddox: Dick, I wanna talk about the pass the buck thing, because when I wrote down this problem originally, I called it "Pass the Buck." Because the pass the buck -
Dick: (interjects) That's...yeah, that's what it should be.
Maddox: Well, pass -
Dick: (interjects) In my opinion.
Maddox: Pass the buck, and this bureaucracy. And I'll tell you why I named it "Bureaucracy," because that's the umbrella that this all falls under, is when you call every one of these branches of customer service...you call the carrier, they tell you to call the manufacturer. You call the manufacturer, they tell you to call the carrier. They have to go through these same steps every single time, and if you interrupt the service rep and say, "Look, I just spoke to so-and-so."
Maddox: "I already went through these steps." They go, "Sir, just bear with me. Follow these steps." And they will repeat these fucking steps like robots!
Maddox: That's bureaucracy. They have to go through these steps, these needless procedures, every fuckin' time. They can't be human and connect with you, and listen to what you're saying and say, "L-..." I've told reps on the phone that I just got off with Delta, and they'll say, "Oh, you need to call Delta." I'm like, "I...did you hear...did you not hear the words coming out of my mouth, shithead?!"
Maddox: "I said I just got off the phone with Delta."
Dick: They're not allowed to listen to that.
Maddox: They have to go through their procedure, and then the only way you can get anything done with these shitheads is you say, "I...look, I've already gone through this. I'm not gonna deal with this. Lemme talk to your manager."
Maddox: Immediately, I go right to the manager. I'm not dealing with some low-level bullshit.
Dick: Lemme give you a tip on that.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: You start crying fraud. You get...
Maddox: Oh, yeah?
Dick: ...a fraud department, and those fraud department guys?
Dick: Are WAY more respon-...manager doesn't give a fuck anymore.
Dick: Fraud department? They are gonna fix...they're gonna do everything you want them to do. First thing you say is, "Fraud! There's been a bunch of fuckin' fraud on my account!"
Dick: "I got hacked, all kinds of charges. You guys are stealing my money." They...like, in their little script, they gotta send you over to the fraud guys that will fix everything.
Maddox: Yeah. Also -
Sean: (interjects) That's a good tip.
Dick: Oh, fuck yeah! Do it all the time!
Maddox: Also, here's another one for when you're dealing with phone companies. Tell them you're gonna contact the Public Utilities Commission, which I have done multiple times. I've told them, "I'm gonna contact the Public Utilities Commission," because this is essentially what you're saying, Dick, is fraud.
Dick: Yeah, fraud.
Maddox: And they are so scared of gettin' a mark against the Pub-...
Maddox: ...the Public Utilities Commission. Again, so they're gettin' a little bit of regulation that kinda comes down. But here's the problem, Dick, with bureaucracy and how your, um...you know, your pipe dream of different companies comin' along and doin' a better job doesn't work. Because bureaucracy -
Dick: (interjects) That's how companies work.
Maddox: No, because a bureaucracy -
Dick: (interjects) At all?!
Maddox: Hold on. Hold on, Dick. Of course there are some examples where it works. I mean, I'm not disagreeing with you. There are times when some company offers terrible service, and another one comes along and offers slightly better, and they -
Dick: (interjects) Like Uber.
Maddox: They do better.
Maddox: But bureaucracy exists in so many different facets, from phone companies to computer companies to cable companies to appliance...plumbers, electricians, power companies, the gas company, water companies, garbage collectors, debt collectors, banks, universities, even fucking churches! So if you have a bureaucracy with a church...let's say you're Catholic and you believe in Catholicism, right? Here's an experience that my buddy in Utah had to deal with. He was tryin' to get married through the Church, right?
Maddox: He didn't have to, but he just wanted to make his parents happy. Him and his wife were both Catholic. He thought, "I'm going to go ahead and get married through the Church." There is SO MUCH red tape and fucking bureaucracy... (Dick chuckles) ...built into the system, because in order for you to get your marriage approved for the Church?
Maddox: You have to prove that you haven't slept together for, like, 6-7 months or something.
Dick: Sure. Yeah.
Maddox: You have to sleep in different quarters. You have to go to CLASSES. You have to go to marriage classes and counseling. Then you have to pay some licensing fee, then you have to pay the priest fee, (Dick laughs) then you have to pay the booking fee...like, there's all these fucking fees and shit!!
Dick: (laughing) Yeah! I mean, you're comparing, like, a religion to...like, religions are 100% bureaucracy.
Dick: That's all they are!
Maddox: Well, what about -
Dick: (interjects) Like, I just, I think it's funny that you're upset that a religion...like, "I wanna get married in a church." Like... (laughs) He want-...he wants to participate in this retarded tradition, of...like, of course they have to do all these stupid steps. Like, the entire religion is BUILT on those steps. You know what I'm saying?
Dick: Like, my nephew got baptized. We had to do the same thing.
Maddox: Sure. Yeah!
Dick: You gotta go to these dumb classes.
Maddox: You have to go through LOTS of rigamarole. You have to go to camp, and all this shit, and you...it's just a way to collect fees.
Dick: We didn't have to do that.
Dick: But I...I'm sure it exists.
Dick: Uh, because...yeah. But the day of the baptism, my nephew was like 9 months old or a year old or whatever. So I went with my sister on the baptism classes, because I know she...I was gonna be the godfather, and I had never...
Dick: I hadn't been certified. Right? To be...
Maddox: Yeah, you have to be certified.
Dick: ...to witness.
Dick: You have to be certified. Right?
Maddox: I...that's what happened with me! I was gonna be godfather for my friend's kid.
Dick: Gotta be certified.
Maddox: You gotta be certified.
Dick: It's...I mean, it's...they...all of religion is 100% bureaucracy in that way, right? Like, "You gotta be certified by God. You're not certified enough. You gotta go..."
Dick: "You gotta go take more cla-...you gotta get confirmed!"
Maddox: Yeah, you gotta get confirmed.
Dick: "You gotta learn MORE about God. You gotta fill out these godly forms."
Dick: And I went...I did it with her 'cause I know she's just doing it for my grandma, and she doesn't believe in that shit. Um...but when it came time to do the actual baptism, she forgot the donation at home.
Maddox: Uh-oh. Mhm.
Dick: And then her husband was like, "Well, we could drive by later and drop it off," and she's like, "Or we just don't...or we just won't." Like...
Dick: What are they gonna, take back the baptism? (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah, there's, uh, there's that huge bureaucracy. But the point is, Dick, these last few that I mentioned: banks, universities, churches...
Maddox: There's SO much bureaucracy in universities.
Maddox: If you try canceling a class or try to get your record corrected, you have to go through three different departments. You call the student housing department...
Maddox: ...and then the student hou-...they'll say, "Oh, you gotta call the dean of your department." You call the dean, they say, "Oh, you have to call the registrar."
Maddox: You call the registrar, they're like, "Oh, you have to ca-...talk to the purse."
Maddox: The pu-...the people who pay you.
Dick: Purse's office.
Maddox: They're like, "Well, they have to refund you for that, and then you have to..." (stammers) Forms and bullshit, and even debt collectors? Debt collectors! There's so much fuckin' bureaucracy, 'cause every now and then I'll get, like, a weird debt collection for something that I either overlooked or never knew I had to pay, or some...like, because I move and the bill didn't come, so I'll get a call from a debt collector. He'll say -
Dick: (interjects): This happens to you often?
Maddox: No, not often.
Maddox: But enough that it's infuriating. So this debt collector called me one time over, like, a $15 router? Because I used to be with Comcast, and I told Comcast to go fuck themselves when they wanted to rent me a router.
Maddox: For like $5 a month. I'm like, "Go fuck yours-...I can buy this thing for $35 and be done with it, one-time payment. You want me to pay $60 a year for this shit?!"
Maddox: "For what?? You want me to ren-...to pay you double the cost of the router every year, for nothing? No, thanks. I'll buy my own router, knock $5 off my bill every month."
Maddox: "No, thanks." Right? So they marked down that I was...uh, issued a router.
Maddox: So when I canceled the service, they sent me a debt collection bill for this router that I didn't return, 'cause I didn't have it.
Maddox: I'm not gonna -
Dick: (interjects) Just 'cause it's...that's...they always do that.
Maddox: Yeah! They always do that, right?
Dick: 'Cause everybody...everybody rents it.
Maddox: So for years, I got ca-...I got hassled by the same debt collectors. Er, different ones, and every time they'd call me up they'd say, "Hey, you gotta pay us..." You know, and they always add fees and shit to it. It's like $80, $100, 20...$200, for this $15 router or whatever. And finally, I was talkin' to this guy. I was done explaining myself over and over again to every debt collection agency. I send them writing; nothin' ever works. Right?
Maddox: Finally I said, "You know what? Fuck it. I'm...don't worry about this. I'm not gonna haggle the price with you," 'cause I was...at one...they EXHAUSTED me.
Maddox: At one point I was ready to just pay them to tell them to shut the fuck up. Just -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, it's cheaper.
Maddox: Right. So then I said, "No, you know what? I'm not going to settle with you. You can talk to my attorney." (Dick guffaws) "I'm gonna settle this. I'm gonna settle this with my attorney."
Dick: Lawyer Maddox.
Dick: (gruff voice) "Oho, hello. I'm Maddox's attorney." (Maddox and Sean laugh) (Dick adds Southern accent) "I want y'all to say, y'all are harassin' my client."
Sean: (interjects) "But I'm also a writer." (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Yeah! "I'm also a genius and a writer, if in case you're wondering."
Maddox: "I work at a telemarketing company." (Dick laughs) "I know how this works! I know call centahs!" So... (cracks up)
Dick: "I have a lawyer too." (Maddox giggles) "Hold on. I fucked this up. I gotta get my real lawyer on."
Maddox: (deeper voice) "Hullo, who's this?!" (Dick and Sean crack up)
Dick: Deeper Southern accent!!
Maddox: "WHO the HELL do you think you are? You gotta pay us for this routah, ya hear??"
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: So I...so that's...that's finally -
Dick: (interjects) So you had to get your lawyer on them.
Maddox: So Dick, that's why...like, it's not always a solution for some...you know, some company offers bad service and another one comes along? Well, they can't, because first of all, with debt collectors? There's no good one. There's no one who's gonna come along and say, "We're gonna be - "
Dick: (interjects) (scoffs) No!
Maddox: "We're gonna be the better debt collector." There's not gonna be some repo company that's gonna be better. There's not gonna be some university that's gonna be better.
Dick: No, of course not.
Maddox: It's always fucking bureaucracy, man.
Dick: Well, wait a minute. University, definitely. Like, imagine...just imagine the possibility that, uh...that it's possible to make a university online that takes out all of the bullshit general ed requirements for college. Like, the 4-year college paradigm? If we could chip away with that, like, with some kind of cheaper online alternative? I mean, surely you would s-...you could say that classes online are extremely valuable, and maybe even AS valuable as a real college class. Like, I don't see any difference in...in a lot of respects with going to some class where some professor's just reading a lecture and writing on the board versus staying at home, watching the video, maybe having a little meetup with some of...with a small group of your classmates. Doing that in a cheaper, more effective way COULD slowly chip away at the tuiti-...at the out-of-control tuition levels of colleges, and gradually they would not have the money to pay for these ridiculous bureaucracies, or certainly you could take away all their students. Like, you don't need to go to a 4-year daycare camp like a f-...like, a 4-year fantasy camp of drinking to get an art history degree. Just read the books!
Maddox: Well, y-... (stammers)
Sean: Yeah, the public perception of what constitutes a legitimate degree would have to change a little.
Dick: Of course!
Maddox: There you go, Sean.
Dick: Of course!
Maddox: Well, so there's two problems with that, Dick. First of all, pay-for...paid, uh...what's it called? What's the expression for these type of schools? Um...pay-for-education? These, uh, these private schools, private universities? Like University of Phoenix...
Dick: USC, let's say. Uni-...okay. Ohh, you mean the online ones?
Maddox: You...yeah, the online ones.
Maddox: Like University of Phoenix?
Maddox: There have been HUGE studies done on these, and a lot of exposés done. 60 Minutes did one, John Oliver did one, where they look at these pay-for...uh, pay-for-play education systems, right? And they find that the education that they receive...they're sold a bad bill of goods. They say that "You come to our school, you'll be able to get employed," et cetera, et cetera. They found in one university, like, one of these online classes...I think it was University of Phoenix, that less than like 12% of their students who graduated went on to get employed. Because employers, when they look at your resumé and they see that you went to University of Phoenix as opposed to, say, Stanford...
Maddox: ...or a reputable school, they see...they know that if you go to one of those schools that there is a rigorous structure and that there is a minimum amount of education that you've received that they're guaranteed. But these other ones...and they found the other problem with this, Dick, is that you actually pay MORE than universities. They pay somethin' like 400% more to go to these per hour...uh, semester?
Maddox: That you rece-...that you sign up for?
Maddox: You pay like 400% more, so that's not a solution.
Dick: Well, I...I mean, it's not a solution. Community colleges exist for that reason. They're cheaper, and you can get educated. Like, I...I think a person who's motivated to get educated can learn all they need to learn from a stack of books.
Dick: And that's free.
Dick: So everything on top of that is a luxury that doesn't need to exist, and only does because of the perception of the degree. Like, the practicality of needing an instructor to tell you what books to read is an indulgence.
Maddox: No, I agree w-...I agree with that. Um, but that's a different argument.
Dick: Like the Khan Academy. That's a com-...
Maddox: (interjects) The Khan Academy's great.
Dick: That's...even maybe better than University of Phoenix. I don't know. It's that master's degree that people pay for with univers-...
Dick: How 'bout this one? You're not allowed to be a lawyer unless you go to...
Dick: ...an accredited law sc-...except for in California! California, you can get around this. Every other state, you gotta go feed the law school animal, just for access to take the bar.
Dick: How's that for a bureaucracy, right?
Maddox: Yeah! That's a huge bureaucracy.
Dick: Total bullshit. To-...
Maddox: Total bullshit.
Dick: But...that's the law.
Maddox: I would be...I would be a graduate right now. So here's somethin' about myself. I went to a 4-year university and studied math.
Maddox: Computer science and math. And -
Dick: (interjects) I wish we had a drop for that.
Maddox: I wish we had a drop for fuckin' Burning Man, shithead! Where's that one?!
Dick: Ohh, I would LOVE a drop for Burning Man.
Maddox: Yeah! (stammers)
Maddox: Get on it, guys.
Sean: Well, we'll have a drop the next episode.
Dick: (chuckles) Well...
Sean: We'll have a drop next episode. He just said it.
Sean: Just pull it.
Dick: Yeah. Go ahead, go ahead, go.
Maddox: So anyway, I went to a 4-year university and studied math, and I came...I'm literally one test away from graduating. Now, the University of Utah does something with math degrees that almost no other university does, and it's a huge...I found out why they do this.
Dick: They don't give them.
Maddox: Yeah, they don't give them. (amused)
Maddox: Um, they make you take the advanced math portion of the GRE. So I thought, "Well - "
Dick: (interjects) You mean a high school test?
Maddox: "It's no big deal." Er no, I'm sorry, the...no, the...you're thinkin' of GED. GED is high school, GRE is...
Maddox: ...is, uh, college. Right.
Dick: Oh, that's the grad student test.
Maddox: Yes, yes.
Dick: GREs. Okay.
Maddox: To go on to grad school.
Maddox: That's what it's for.
Dick: Yeah, okay.
Maddox: For the University of Utah, for some reason, they make it a requirement. Which is weird, because I've taken the test.
Maddox: So I took the test. The first time I took it I came within 1 point of passing, and the second time I took it I came within 2 points of passing, and the third time I took it I came within 3 points of passing. So I...you know, I'm a math major, so I can see the trajectory, right? So I thought, "At this point in my life I got a book deal, I'm workin' on this other shit; I don't need to worry about this shit anymore. I'm not going to...I'm not going to get that degree." As kind of a "fuck you" to the university system, because...
Dick: Yeeeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: I finished the curriculum. (Sean laughs in the background) I finished -
Dick: (interjects) I think you should take it. Like, this should be a -
Maddox: (interjects) No, I never will! I made it a point.
Dick: No, you should. You should get your high school degree.
Dick: That'd be, like, a big moment.
(talking over each other)
Sean: Is this a revisionist -
Maddox: (interjects) College.
Dick: (inaudible) ...the same.
Sean: Is this a revisionist protest? (Dick laughs)
Maddox: You know, Sean? It became...so, I...it got to the point where I was like, "You know what? I..." 'Cause the problem with this test that they give you, the GRE test?
Dick: Is it's too hard.
Maddox: It's way too hard. They give you master's degree stuff, because a lot of master's students are takin' this too, to move on to PhD.
Dick: Oh, I wanna see this test. Bring it in!
Maddox: Well, there was stuff on there that I'd never seen, that I'd never been exposed to, like ab-...
Dick: (interjects) Like a vagina? I'm kidding. (Sean laughs) I'm kiddiiiing! I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Dick: Like a...what?? (laughing)
Maddox: ...son of a bitch. Um... (background laughter) So anyway, there was a bunch of stuff on there like, uh...like really advanced number theory stuff, and topology, and topo-...
Maddox: ...and tomography, and all this, like, weird stuff that I'd never been exposed to. And they were...those were, like, questions on the test, which I thought, "Okay, well, that's fine. I'll just skip those." But, uh, it was... (Dick laughs) It was a really -
Dick: (interjects) And next thing you know, the test is over.
Dick: You're like, "Oh, shit."
Maddox: "Oh, I guess that's all I got."
Dick: "I gotta go back and do some of those."
Maddox: Yeah! So anyway, after the fact, uh...you know, when I decided that I'm not going to get this degree, because I finished the curriculum and I have the education. I...my GPA, I think, was like a 3.2 or somethin' like that. It was fine. Everything was fine, but then I decided the more I accomplish in life without this degree is a "fuck you" to the university system. So I...I believe that the university system is valuable to an extent, because I -
Dick: (interjects) You're always thumping for them, though.
Dick: Like, you're always saying...you're always pro-university, but your whole life is lived in...uh, contrary to that.
Dick: Like, in a protest to that, I mean.
Maddox: Correct. So I'm pro-university because there are very valuable things I learned in the university. There's about 5 of 'em, and I can tell you some other time on a...I don't wanna get into it.
Maddox: And then the o-...but the other thing is, I'm also pro-independence. I'm...I'm like you, Dick. I'm self-taught 3D modeler on Blender. I'm self-t-...I was a self-taught programmer before I ever went to the university. I had a job in the programming industry before I ever learned any p-...anything formally.
Maddox: Any university level. So I'm a fan of both. I think for some people, universities are great, especially if you're unmotivated and have no direction. Sometimes you can find your direction and your calling in life by being exposed to new ideas. But on the other hand, pick up a book and learn something yourself.
Dick: Yeah. Um...
Maddox: Like, learn how to shave.
Dick: Today's episode is brought to you by Harry's. Harry's will give you $5 off your first purchase when you visit http://harrys.com/biggestproblems and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEMS". What makes Harry's unique is the quality of the blade. Sure, you're gonna save a ton of money! Why pay 32 bucks for these razors when you can pay $15 for a razor handle, moisturizing shave cream, and three of Harry's 5-blade German-engineered razors that ship right to your house?
Maddox: They're fantastic, guys. Yeah, super smooth. I got a comment here from -
Dick: (interjects) http://harrys.com/biggestproblems. Go.
Maddox: Oh yeah, sorry. Uh, http://harrys.com/biggestproblems. I got a comment here from Andrew Mosteller. He says, "Normally I have to shave everyday. Yesterday, however, I used a Harry's razor to shave my face, and the shave was so close that I do not have to shave again today. Thanks, Harry's, for making my day, and thanks Maddox and Dick for the hilarious and informative content." Well, thank you, Andrew, for supporting us! That's super cool.
Dick: Shaved his skin right off. Alright.
Dick: Do we have time for m-...another problem?
Maddox: Yeah, we...absolutely.
Dick: We're gettin'...this is really long.
Dick: We should just cut all these up and release them for 3 weeks. My problem is...uh, post-credit scenes.
Maddox: Ohhh! Hey, that's perfect! Post-credit sce-...so, are you talking about at the end of a movie, you have to wait through the credits and you see a little thing, right?
Dick: Yeah. It used to be, you see somethin' cute.
Maddox: Like bloopers.
Dick: Like a...like a blooper. Which were great.
Dick: Funny. Or you s-...Ferris Bueller comes out. "What are you doin'? Go home."
Dick: Right? "Oh my god, I can't believe...people said they stayed after the credits, and Ferris Bueller came out and said, 'What are you doin'? Go home.' That's so cute!"
Dick: "That's great."
Dick: "What a great, fun thing to do." Not any-...not anymore, man. Now it's...it's abuse now.
Dick: It's audience abuse. I saw Civil War last night. I gotta give a shout-out to a fan, Benny. Um...there was a big line for Civil War.
Dick: Right? So I'm...I'm drunk. I'm like 3 martinis in.
Dick: To the night.
Dick: Uh, with my...with my sister and my brother-in-law. I'm like, "Well, I'm not...I don't wanna stand in this line." Right? Wh-...
Maddox: (interjects) Why is there a line? Isn't this, uh...2016, where people reserve seats for theaters? (laughing) Like, what's...
Dick: No no, it's a...it's a cattle...it's a free-for-all.
Dick: At this theater.
Maddox: One of these old theaters, then.
Dick: Not a...it's not an ArcLight.
Dick: Um, it was a regular...regular working man's theater. So I'm like, "I'm not gonna stand in this fuckin' line." I walked back and get a...get a big, like, wrought-iron chair from a yogurt stand?
Dick: Like, in front of a yogurt stand, and just start carrying it down into the theater where the line is.
Dick: I'm like, "Well, I'll sit." Right?
Dick: "This yogurt stand's not using all of their chairs."
Dick: "I'll bring it back. Probably."
Dick: "You know, if I remember." (Sean guffaws) So I bring it down, and my s-...and I'm saying to my sister, like, "What? I'm not gonna s-...I'm not gonna fuckin' stand for 40 minutes to watch this movie," and I hear -
Maddox: (interjects) Like a chump.
Dick: Yeah, and I hear, "Dick?" (laughs) And I look over, and this guy's like, "Are you Dick Masterson from Biggest Problem in the Universe?" I'm like...
Dick: "Yeah! I got this chair..." (cracks up) And he's like, "Well, I thought it was you. I thought was you, but then I saw you carrying that chair into the theater and I was like, 'Yeah, that's definitely him.'"
Dick: And I was like, "Oh, Benny." I... (stammers)
Dick: So there you go. Anyway.
Maddox: So a fan recognized you.
Dick: Anyway, this -
Maddox: (interjects) What did he, let you cut or something?
Dick: No, nononono.
Dick: I'm just sayin' hi to the guy.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: Uh, the movie...it's like these Marvel movies now, you're h-...you HAVE to stay and watch the credits, because it's gonna be...it's like the expectation of this next...of a little tease for the next movie.
Dick: It's not cute and clever anymore.
Dick: You just...you're sitting there, you have to watch credits 'cause you know everyone you're with want-...there's always one guy that...
Maddox: Yeeees. (annoyed)
Dick: ...wants to...HAS to see the r-...and he's building it up. Prepping it up.
Dick: Before the movie. "Oh, you're...oh, you can't...we've gotta stay! I can't wait for the end credit scene, when they...something happens with Spiderman."
Maddox: Yeah. Ugh.
Dick: "I can't..." We've all gotta sit there. I'm like, "Dude, I gotta piss."
Dick: "I got three martinis and 64 ounces of Coke in me. I gotta go piss. I'm not sitting here and watching what dickheads worked on this movie."
Dick: That's my problem. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: I thought you were leading up to somethin'. Uh...
Dick: Post-credit scenes!! That's my problem.
Maddox: Yeah, no. No, I get it.
Dick: I'm sick of them! I'm boycotting them. I'm leaving!
Dick: I'm gonna leave before the movie ends from now on.
Dick: I'm not watching ANY credits.
Maddox: I...I f-...
Dick: (interjects) Showing up late; don't wanna see opening credits! Leaving early; don't wanna see a single end credit.
Maddox: Yeah! You know what? Just show up in the middle, after the first act is all set up anyway. It's bullshit. I'm not even joking. I've sta-... (cracks up)
Dick: Me either. No, you're right.
Maddox: Yeah. I don't give a shit! I watch movies out of order, and it drives my friends NUTS. I started watching Game of Thrones last season, and I tell people that. It's like, "Wait, wait, wait...you mean, you didn't watch the first three or four?" I'm like, "No!"
Dick: No, 'cause it's dumb.
Maddox: And they're like, "BUT...but you don't know what happened!!" I'm like, "Listen, shithead! Um, the entire season...you know, this history of this world?" What's it called, Ganondorf? What's the...what's the fuckin' Game of Thrones world?
Maddox: Scanondorf. (background laughter)
Maddox: This...the history of Ganondorf, right? Existed BEFORE Season 1 began. There was a buncha history that happened... (Dick guffaws) Right??
Dick: That's such a weird w-...okay! (laughing)
Maddox: A buncha history that happened, right? (Dick giggles) Those are seasons YOU missed! Right?
Dick: That everyone missed??
Maddox: Everyone missed! Yeah! (laughs with Sean)
Dick: 'Cause they were never written in this make-believe world?
Maddox: Yeah!! You don't need to know it! You just gimme a little backstory, right? So anywhere you pick up in the series... (Dick giggles) Same exact thing!
Dick: It's the same exact thing! Yeah. (squeaking)
Maddox: Same exact thi-...same shit!
Maddox: Oh, a buncha dragons and shit! Oh, a bunch of fuckin' kings died, back here?! Oh, g-...I get it, shithead. Oh! Oh lord, I don't know that some fuckin' king died 10 episodes ago. Why do I fuckin' need to know that?? 'Cause if it's good...if it's -
Dick: (interjects) You know how many kings died before him?
Maddox: Millions of kings died!
Dick: I don't care at all.
Maddox: No!! (Dick laughs) No, because if you know...if it's competently written and competently acted, if one actor comes into the room and the other actor suddenly tenses up? (pretend gasps) "Oh my god!"
Dick: It's tension.
Maddox: "They..." Yeah! They have some history.
Dick: Yeah, they're afraid of him, for some reason. (chuckling) Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. You know that they were either cuckolded, or they... (cracks up)
Maddox: That there was a murder in their family.
Maddox: Like, SOMETHING happened that pissed them off. I don't need to know what it is. I get it, there's tension between the two of 'em. They come in, they're good actors, it's a good-wri...it's a well-written show. Why do I have to fuckin' sit there and spend years of my life watchin' the...the fuckin' ten episodes before to understand what's goin' on?? I DON'T.
Dick: Well, I'll tell you, you can walk into Civil War an hour late.
Dick: And all you'll do is skip a bunch of sophomore-year soci-...uh, political science lecture commentary.
Maddox: Sure. (chuckling)
Dick: It's like, there's n-...there's NOTHING happens. Absolutely nothing happens for like the first hour. Like, "Oh boy, we gotta get these...we gotta get these superheroes under control! Too many rights, nooo! They're my rights. I'll take whatever rights I want, so you gotta sign the accord."
Dick: "I'm not signing the accord!"
Dick: It's like, "Oh my god, dude. Fuck off."
Maddox: It's like...
Dick: "Go back to Berkeley. Fuck you. I came here to watch superheroes fuckin' fight."
Maddox: Yeah. It's like the comic book United Nations. Uh... (laughs) I remember in my...you know, because I mentioned the math GRE earlier?
Maddox: I remember the first time I ever took it. I was sitting in the class, and everybody's, like, sitting down and nervous and prepping for it. This kid walks into the auditorium and he said, "Is this political science?" And someone goes, "Oh no, that's, uh, that's down the hall." And then after the kid left, someone blurted out, he goes, "Political science? Is there a wrong answer?" And... (giggles) And it KILLED.
Dick: Jesus Christ. (muttering)
Maddox: It was...it broke the tension. Oh man, these political science majors.
Dick: Math nerds.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I...you know what?? (cracks up)
Dick: Math joke. "Huh huh huh huhhh!" (dorky voice)
Maddox: There's ano-... (laughs)
Dick: "Show your work in political science! Huh huh huhh!"
Dick: (interjects) "Divide by Eisenhower, huh huh huh huhhh."
Maddox: Another...another one of my favorite math jokes, 'cause math majors always bust on liberal arts majors. I don't kn-...'cause...and here's something -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they're smug assholes. Yeah.
Maddox: No, because liberal are...it's a bullshit degree. Come on, guys. (Dick giggles) Go fuckin'...it's a bullshit...it's a...the whole thing. Liberal arts? Get the fuck outta here.
Dick: Keep going! (squeaking)
Maddox: Do some fuckin' hard science. Do some fuckin' math for a change, you idiots.
Maddox: Ya fuckin' mush m-...mush brains. So, uh, math majors...and liberal arts majors don't know this about math majors, 'cause they don't dare step foot in our territory. They're scared of math.
Dick: Oh, my god. (under his breath)
Maddox: They're scared of structure. They're SCARED.
Sean: It's the fuckin' Sharks and the Jets goin' on here. (Maddox giggles)
Dick: Yeah. It's the...the warriors, Utah University.
Maddox: So anyway, I saw this written on the whiteboard. There was a whole bunch of equations and stuff, a bunch of students doin' homework after class, and one of 'em had written down...it's a limit joke. Uh, which probably will go way over the head of most people listening, 'cause they're, uh... (stammers) ...not as smart as me.
Dick: Yeah. (sneering)
Sean: Always a good way to start a joke. (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. Always...always setting the crowd up.
Maddox: Weren't you, uh, lionizing Hitchens earlier for condescending to Bill Maher's guests?
Maddox: I thought that was hilarious!
Dick: Oh, I thought it was hilarious too.
Dick: In studio, it was not.
Dick: That's what makes it so great.
Maddox: Oh, made it uncomfortable?
Maddox: Anyway, so it showed a limit, right? The limit as your GPA approaches zero equals "business major." I laughed so fuckin' hard when I saw that.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: So bitter.
Maddox: Ah, I love it. It makes me so... (Dick chuckles) Makes me so happy, 'cause that's the fuckin' truth, man!
Maddox: I went to my friend's graduation -
Dick: (interjects) Hey, here's an equation for you: "business major" equals "boss."
Dick: How's that math joke?
Maddox: Yeah. Or, uh...yeah, boss of, uh, boss of my coffee. At Starbucks.
Dick: Yeah, right. (smiles)
Maddox: There... (cracks up)
Dick: One thing you know about math majors, they really know how to make their mark in the world when it comes to finance, right?
Maddox: Uhh, yeah. They become the treasurer. They go into the stock market. They work for Goldman Sachs. They make lots of money.
Maddox: They become hedge fund managers. Those math guys...
Dick: They could do that. Yeah.
Maddox: Don't underestimate 'em. Yeah, don't underestimate 'em. Anyway, Dick.
Maddox: Post-credit things...like, back to your post-credit problem. I think that it really got out of hand after the first Avengers movie. Because at the end of -
Dick: (interjects) It was that stupid shawarma thing?
Maddox: The shawarma thing, everybody loved.
Dick: Yeah. (irritated)
Maddox: And then Guardians of the Galaxy with the stupid dancing plant, which everyone thought was the best part of the movie. The dancing Groot?
Dick: During the credits?
Maddox: Oh my GOD. People lose their fuckin' minds over it. It's like, "Guys, you're saying this little, like, 10-second thing of the plant dancing is better than the rest of the multi-million-dollar movie with all the acting, with all the action, with all the storytelling. Your favorite part was this dancing plant." (Dick scoffs)
Sean: Wait, wait, wait. Who's saying that?
Dick: Yeah. You...
Dick: I think YOU would say that. (chuckles)
Sean: I haven't heard anybody say that.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: I mean...they like it.
Maddox: You're fuckin' o-...
Dick: (interjects) I don't know if it was their favorite part.
Maddox: You're fuckin' off. Google "f-..." Uh, "Guardians of the Galaxy favorite part."
Maddox: And see how many times people mention that stupid fuckin' dancing Groot.
Sean: Alright. (Dick laughs)
Dick: They liked it, though.
Dick: It's cute. Little dancing guy.
Maddox: Well, that's a... (stammers) That's besides the point! That was their favorite part.
Dick: Yeah, but it's like, the movie was so good that the emotional rollercoaster and payoff (Maddox snorts and laughs) is released in watching that plant die.
Maddox: Ohhh. (sneering)
Dick: Like, everything in you is...
Dick: ...is stretched to its limits emotionally, so when that plant comes back to life and starts dancing, that's why the...their release.
Dick: That's why they love that scene so much. It's...
Maddox: The movie was so good, that the -
Dick: (interjects) It speaks to how good the movie is.
Maddox: Yeah, and that the dancing plant was better.
Maddox: It was their favorite part.
Dick: Well, they're...
Maddox: The best. It was the...yeah.
Dick: Look, look. If I go out and eat a wonderful steak dinner, and I get dessert...and I order some dessert, the chef doesn't come out and give me a big ol' story about how that steak got to the table before I get my dessert.
Maddox: Don't care.
Dick: I don't care, dude.
Dick: Go...I don't even wanna...I don't even wanna know about you!
Dick: Get outta here.
Dick: Don't wanna know y-...I just want the dessert. Give it to me.
Dick: If the scene was so good, put it in front of the credits.
Dick: Right? What's...
Dick: What's this...why do I have to sit here in line, basically a line of ONE, watching thi-...er, a line of all these credits, waiting for my scene?
Dick: Waiting for my advertisement for the next movie?
Dick: Just give it to me straight.
Maddox: Um...yeah, you know, Dick? I just realized I do this. I do thi-...WE do this. We do this on this show!
Dick: Oh, I told a story while you were in the bathroom I wanna put after the credits.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna put it after the credits.
Maddox: But here's the thing, man. What was...what was the...? There was a movie that kind of announced a new superhero, 'cause what these comic book companies are doing now is they're franchise-crafting. So that's what they'll use the end credit thing for. Like, every...they know there are gonna be a buncha nerds, the most hardcore of the hardcore, who are gonna sit there through the credits and then see the end sequence, so that they can go tweet about it and write about it and be excited about it. They always put a little hint in there...oh, what was the one? It was, uh, the Avengers. I think it was...
Dick: What are you talkin' about?
Maddox: ...hinting towards a Captain America movie.
Dick: Uh, whatever came out before Captain America, then.
Maddox: Or Iron Man or somethin' like that.
Dick: Like, one of the Iron Mans, they found Thor's hammer.
Dick: The first Iron Man, then Nick Fury showed up, and then...
Maddox: Yeah, Nick Fury. That's the one, yeah.
Maddox: It was Nick Fury and Iron Man, and then they'll hint, "Oh, there's a Punisher movie coming."
Dick: Yeah. (muttering)
Maddox: "Oh my god, Punisher! Oh, who woulda thought that Marvel has this successful comic book franchise and they're gonna make a movie about it? Oh, wow! Would...wouldn't have guessed that in a million fuckin' years!"
Dick: I hate it. I don't like waiting for it.
Dick: I don't like being trained.
Dick: I don't like being trained to do something I don't wanna do. I don't wanna watch credits.
Dick: I never did. I don't like that now I'm being trained to sit there and watch the credits like Pavlov's dog, salivating at some 30-second advertisement.
Maddox: Hmmm. (buzzer sound effect) Dick...
Dick: That's wrong??
Maddox: This is intere-...it's not wrong, but it's interesting 'cause you brought in advertising as a solution, and that's all advertising is, is training you to behave a certain way.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Okay. (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) I mean, you wanna talk about the...the...?
Sean: That's EXACTLY what I thought he was gonna say.
Dick: Yeah. (smiles)
Maddox: Yup. (laughs more)
Dick: You wanna talk about the negatives of advertising?
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: Fuck, you could go on all day.
Maddox: Anyway Dick, good problem. I'm with you on this. Put the content...especially if it's content that is relevant to the story that you just saw. Guys, quit jerkin' us around. Put this shit up top.
Dick: Put it up top. Why...why are you making us watch the fuckin' credits? Why??
Maddox: The -
Dick: (interjects) Why...WHY? You just wanna make us do something to show how much control you have. It's like CIA... (chuckles) ...uh, prisoner shit.
Dick: "We'll make this audience...the more they abuse themselves by watching these dumb credits, the more of an attachment they'll have to our brand!"
Dick: "So we're gonna make them suffer a little bit before they get a tease of the next thing." Like, "FUCK you. I see what you're doing."
Maddox: What's the effect when a kidnapper becomes...?
Dick: Stockholm syndrome.
Maddox: Stockholm syndrome! That's what...that's exactly what this is. It's a giant Stockholm syndrome. And I wouldn't mind if the credit sequence was like 30 seconds, 5 seconds, 10 seconds? This is like 3 minutes of fucking...you know, it's the same shit. You see the same copyright notices.
Dick: Yeah! Mhm.
Sean: Well, but they have 90,000 CGI crews on each of these movies.
Maddox: Oh, yeah!
Sean: That's...the credits are 15 minutes!
Maddox: Who make NOTHING, by the way, Sean. Visual effects artists are the most abused, least paid in this industry. It's such garbage, man.
Maddox: They...but they -
Dick: (interjects) They've ruined movies!
Maddox: Well, that's the director's fault, to hire them. Don't blame it on the visual effects artists. They're workin' their asses off makin' the best they can do, but then the...like for example, what's his name with, uh, "Richard Parker"? (Indian accent) Um, what's the...
Dick: Visual effects guys are like garbagemen, except instead of TAKING your garbage, they shove it into your face.
Maddox: Nooo, you hater. You're so salty. What's the movie with Richard Parker, the tiger one? "Richard Parker." (Indian accent) You know, um...with the...the mo-...
Dick: Oh, The Life of Pi.
Maddox: The Life of Pi!
Dick: I'm surprised you failed a math test. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: So, that Richard Parker movie, that whole...like, most of that movie was carried by the strength of that CGI. That tiger looked so fuckin' good in that movie. Have you seen it?
Maddox: Fantastic. That visual effects company folded shortly after, while the movie went on to win Academy Awards.
Maddox: Such garbage, man. Pay those guys! They're workin' their asses off. That tiger looked fantastic.
Dick: Fuck 'em.
Dick: Alright, do you got a...
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Do you got a problem?
Maddox: No, we're, uh...this is...
Dick: It's way too much time.
Maddox: Yeah, this is too much time. I got a problem. I'll bring it in on the 30th. So we'll be back May 30th with episode 105. A lot of exciting stuff comin' up. We got the "best of" coming up. I really think you guys'll enjoy this. I wanna hear your favorite clips of the show. (closing riff starts) My problem this week was Bureaucracy.
Dick: My problems were Tipping and Post-Credit Scenes.
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
Dick: You wanna hear a voicemail about a piss boner, or about a cuck?
Maddox: Ohh...let's do piss boner. We...
Maddox: This is a cuck-heavy episode.
Dick: (scoffs) Okay. (Maddox laughs) (plays next voicemail)
Voicemail (male caller): Guys, here's how you pee with a piss boner! You sit on the fucking toilet, and you lean forward and pee!!
Voicemail: You're in your thirties! How do you not know how to do this?!
Maddox: Yeah, maybe if you got a small dick!
Dick: I tried...yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, I can't do that!
Dick: That's exactly why I brought it in. (laughing)
Maddox: I'm not gonna...I'm not gonna sit there with my giant schlong, bouncing it off of the disgusting toilet rim!
Maddox: What does he th-... (cracks up) That guy just told us how big his dick is!
Maddox: It's li-...it's gotta be under 3 inches, if you...if you're not touchin' the rim, bro! And how far forward are you gonna...lean forward? I'm not gonna do fuckin' yoga to take a leak, idiot! I'll just piss in the sink!
Dick: Maybe he has one of those, like, toilet lids that has a slot in front of it? Like at a public restroom?
Dick: That's the only way I can describe that, 'cause you...
Dick: Your...your erect penis will not fit.
Dick: In, uh...under the lid.
Maddox: And every time -
Dick: (interjects) But he's very excited about telling everyone he has a small dick!
Maddox: Yeah! Ugh. And every... (cracks up) Every time...
Dick: But the enthusiasm was off the charts. (Maddox giggles) "Guys!! Guys, are you dumb?! All you have to do is sit on a toilet and push your dick straight down!" Uhhh...
Maddox: Doesn't work, broseph. (Dick laughs uncomfortably) I can, like, maybe...maybe half-mast, I can do that, but...
Sean: Well, and if you push your dick straight down, you can't piss anyway!
Maddox: Plus you touch the water!! Oh, I guess you guys never had that problem. (giggles)
Dick: Ohh, Sean -
Sean: (interjects) Not since I had my penis reduction surgery.
Dick: Showin' off! Showin' off.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Here you...
Maddox: Oh yeah, yeah, penis reduction, both of you bozos. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Okay, here's another one. (plays next voicemail)
Voicemail (male caller): Maddox, I cannot fuckin' believe that you would not date an incredibly beautiful, hot Spanish chick because you were offended by theCastilian accent. Like, I...
Dick: Do you remember that?
Voicemail: I'm pretty much concerned right now that you're a 38-year-old virgin.
Dick: I heard that one too. Did you...do you remember that story?
Dick: That you didn't date that hot girl 'cause her accent annoyed you?
Dick: He's s-...that guy's surprised at it, that's all.
Maddox: Yeah, he's surprised. So that's...that's the sound of a guy who doesn't get laid. (Dick chuckles) That's the sound of a guy who doesn't have options, who doesn't have choices.
Dick: Uh-huh. (smiling)
Maddox: Takes what he can get. That's what that is. Anyway Dick, let's set up, uh...so I haven't even heard this. I'm gonna be hearing it for the first time when this episode goes live, Dick's story. Post-credit sequence, guys.
Dick: Oh, wait. I got one me-...
Maddox: (sighs) Alright.
Dick: Since there's gonna be a big break, I got one Weird Matthew McConaughey voicemail.
Maddox: Alright, let's hear it.
Dick: That's it. I don't even know what the hell he's talkin' about in this one. (plays next voicemail)
Weird Matthew McConaughey: (slurred voice) I always do have the right answer, Madcockssss. (Maddox snickers) Always right... (inaudible) (makes long, high-pitched "booooooooop!" noise) You know what that is?
Maddox: No. (confused)
Weird Matthew McConaughey: That's the... (???),motherfucker. (Maddox chuckles)
Weird Matthew McConaughey: You're fuckin' up my response to the last question of the week, with that precum thing. (Maddox snorts and laughs) Big time fucked up. Check the tapes. Your mind is no diamond trap, broski. The right answer is this: just go to sleep. 'Cause you're FUCKED.(Dick and Maddox crack up) And not saying anything isn't passive-aggressive. It's just passive. You don't have... (chuckles)
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Weird Matthew McConaughey:You don't have to worry about that, 'cause you'll be asleep.
Maddox: Okay, Matthew. (Dick laughs) Sounds like you were asleep when you made that call, buddy. Wow. Alright guys, so here it is, our post-credit sequence. I have not heard this before. The first time I'll be hearing this is when this episode goes live.
Dick: Oh, really?
Maddox: Dick's post-credit...yeah! Dick's post-credit sequence...
Dick: Oh, wow.
Maddox: ...when I go to the bathroom.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Fuck you. That's what a post-credit sequence is. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
Dick: My life coach...oh yeah, I'll call his ass up. Last time I went to... (exhales) Oh, not last time. Many...many years ago, I went to Hermosa with my life coach, and...yeah, and it was these two strippers. I knew they were strippers, he didn't know they were strippers. So they knew how to handle his... (someone talking in the background)
Guy in background: ...really friendly to me.
Dick: ...antics. No! They were NOT being really friendly to him, and that was the prob-...so, I'm...I'm talkin' to one of them as, like, as the night goes on, and we started makin' out. I look over at this one moment...like, something grabbed my attention and I look over to my life coach, and all I see is the other stripper just take a full glass of water, 20-ounce glass of water, and...er, a pint glass of water, and turn it over on his head and storm out. (guy laughs in background) And he's just... (grins) He's sitting there, just...and he just turns around and looks at me like, "What did I do?" And I'm like, "How bad...what do you mean, 'what did I do'?! I've never had water dumped on me, and I...and I, like, I know...and even...I've never been that bad, and I still knew that I kinda fucked up." But he went all the way to that bad, and he was like, "Wh-...what the hell? What did she do that for?" I'm like, "I...I don't know, man! You tell us." Put that in. Put that in...put THAT story in after the show, so we can put an after-credits clip in on this show. You know what I mean?
Sean: Sure. (in background)
Dick: 'Cause that's my problem.