Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 103

Transcription courtesy of:  Laurie Foster (

Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s. Harry’s will give you $5 off your first purchase when you visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEMS.

Today’s show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting and using promo code BIGGEST.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Russian Roulette to Chat Roulette! With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Dick!

Dick: Heyyy, what’s up, buddy? (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Welcome back. One gets you a bullet in the head. The other one gets you dicks. Dick pics.

Dick: Ohhhhhhh, Russian Roulette, yeah.

Maddox: Mhmm. Russian Roulette and Chat Roulette, yeah!

Dick: I got a great…that reminds me of a great story. My…oh, first, can you introduce our guest before I tell this story about my life coach?

Maddox: Yeah, we got…sure. We got a life coach story, but first we have a very exciting guest with us today, Michael Capes!

Michael: Hello!

Maddox: Thank you for joining us, Michael!

Michael: Yeah, thank you for having me, guys. Appreciate it!

Maddox: Yeah, so, um…

Dick: How you doin’?

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Michael…

Dick: (they talk over each other) A beautiful man, by the way!! Look at this guy!

Michael: Awwww. (giggles)

Dick: Who does he…who do you look like? Who do people say you look like?

Michael: Uh, I get uh….

Dick: (interjects) A very handsome celebrity.

Michael: I get a fat version of Adam Levine.

Dick: Get outta here!! Oh…a thicker version…

Michael: Thicker.

Dick: A girthier version of Adam Levine, I would say.

Maddox: Uh-huh. Girls like girthy.

Dick:   Love this guy.

Michael: My friends call me Fatam Levine, actually.

Dick: Fatam Levine.

Maddox: (giggles) Fatam Levine. (they all laugh)

Dick: Boy, you gotta get rid of those friends.

Michael: Yeah, they’re dumb.

Dick: They are not your friends.

Michael:   Yeaaaaah.

Dick: They’re trying to cut your self-esteem down.

Michael:   Yeah, they are. They wanna just…

Maddox: (interjects) What friends are these?

Michael: They want the girls.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: They want the girls that I’m around.

Maddox: You know what, bro? You got…they’re negging you.

Michael: They are. They’re totally negging me. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: They probably wanna fuck you!

Michael: That means they’re trying to fuck me.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: They’re trying to fuck you.

Michael: I knew it.

Dick: And I understand why.

Michael: I knew it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: I gotta stop meeting my friends on Grindr. I gotta…make some different friends. (giggles)

Dick: See, guys, I’m an equal opportunity flirter, right? Just wanna demonstrate that I flirt with the male guests, as well as the female guests.

Maddox: Heyyyy!

Michael:   I appreciate it.

Dick: So I don’t get any flak.

Maddox: There you go.

Dick: I don’t wanna get any sexist flak, alright?! (Michael giggles)

Maddox: Sure. That’s fair. That’s totally fair. Reasonable.

Dick: So I just totally demonstrated that.

Maddox: There you go.

Dick: Now I can say WHATEVER I want. (giggles)

Maddox: There you go. Done.

Michael: That’s good. That’s good.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, so, Michael and I recently…we appeared in a video together. Mike has a series on YouTube called the Hacks of Life. It’s kind of a parody and satire of, like, the Life Hacks, but then you actually do some of these hacks, like for example, you snuck a friend into Disneyland, which is one my of FAVORITE videos.

Michael: I did.

Maddox: So funny.

Michael: Yep.

Maddox: You gotta wa…you gotta check it out. Um, where basically…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, how did you…yeah. How…you tell it.

Maddox: Yeah, you wanna explain it, Mike?

Michael:   Sure, sure, sure. So I did a stunt I called The Man Baby.

Dick: Mmm.

Michael: And so…

Dick: We do that stunt every week on this podcast.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: Excellent. Okay, so you guys will get this, then, and appreciate it.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: So, uh, Disney lets babies in for free. I think…I dunno what the age limit is, but babies are free. And so I built a baby stroller…uh, one of those tandem ones. That fit my man friend inside of it. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Uh, and just rolled him right into the park.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did they check at all?

Michael: The guy…the guy…see, now they have checkpoint.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: And I was smart enough to do my research and know that, yes. They have a checkpoint.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Michael: Roll the stroller through there first. Go into the restroom, put friend inside, and get to the ticket line, roll him right through.

Dick: Ohhhhhohohoho!!

Michael: They opened the gates. And the best part is, I just had an old dude that maybe didn’t care. He didn’t even look. He just…he didn’t look at ME. He just had his head down, just took the ticket, and ran the thing, in the magical…

Dick: (interjects) He’s seen enough babies.

Michael: Yeah, he’s seen enough babies.

Dick: He doesn’t need to see more babies.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: NOBODY does.

Michael: Best part, I’m rolling through the park, and people are seeing this baby. This…and I think that there was a combination of, like…not wanting to offend someone in case their baby did have, like, a pituitary disorder or something? (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Michael: It was like “Ugh.” But you see…we have the reactions in the video of these people walking past me just…you see their heads, like, “Oh, GOD.” (Maddox laughs) And it’s…(laughing) and other kids, it’s Mikey Bolt’s kid…you know, he looked like Seth MacFarlane, actually.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: It looked like Seth Macfarlane…

Maddox: Yeah, he looks a little bit like a younger Seth MacFarlane.

Michael: Yeah. Totally.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Totally. As a baby.

Sean: I’m picturing the old Warner Bros baby with the cigar?

Dick: Baby Herman.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: (giggles) Baby Herman.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah, totally.

Maddox: And…and he was totally nude. People were like, “Wow, what a penis on this baby!”

Michael: Oh, totally, yeah! It was great.

Maddox: Totally. (laughs)

Michael: Great big penis.

Dick: WOW!!!!

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: Get into Disneyland nude. That’s great.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Get in there naked. That’s how Mike steps up his game. But it didn’t just end there, because he had all these other little tips, like how to eat for free at Disneyland, too. You buy, like, a 7-11…uh, shitty…

Dick: You dig it out of the garbage, right?

Maddox: No, you get…

Dick: (interjects) Everyone knows that hack. It’s a life hack. (Michael laughs)

Maddox: You get the wrappers that are sitting on other people’s tables, and you bring in…you sneak in, like, a 7-11 burger, like, a really shitty, cheap one.

Michael: 50 cent…yeah.

Maddox: You just take it up to them and say, “Hey, this burger sucks. Can I get another one?” And they’ll replace it for you. And you get a fresh burger. (laughs)

Michael: 15 dollar burger. (laughing)

Maddox: 15 dollar burger, yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Jesus. (grins)

Maddox: But…but at the end of this video, Mike did something really nice. Uh…he was selling some shirts for his channel and he said the proceeds are gonna be donated to a charity in Disney’s name.

Michael: Absolutely, yeah.

Maddox: So really came full circle. And you still got flak for it, though, didn’t you.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah, uh…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, it’s ‘cause you’re so handsome. We hate…the Internet hates that handsome guy who’s being charitable.

Michael: They just hate the…(laughs)

Dick: Fuck it. They’ll let Maddox get away with it, but not you. (Michael laughs)

Maddox: Fuck you. Fuck you, Dick! They don’t let me get away with shit! Just read the COMMENTS!!! (Michael laughs) Bunch of humorless assholes!

Michael: It’s true.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: It’s true.

Maddox: Anyway. Speaking of comments, Dick. Oh, before we go on, actually. Let’s get to the problems from last…week.

Dick: Okay.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe…Mosquitoes!!

Dick: Good.

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Good.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Oh, wow!

Dick: It deserves to be the biggest on the whole fucking list!

Maddox: We’re all in agreement.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, I was doing more research after the show, and they found out that mosquitoes may have killed more people than every war combined, ever, in history.

Michael: Wow.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Mosquitoes have killed SO many people. Yeah.

Michael: Do they target specific people, or?

Maddox: Mosquitoes?

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, all people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: All people? They don’t have a plan?

Maddox: They don’t discriminate.

Dick: They get all people.

Michael: Okay, they don’t discriminate?

Maddox: No? Mhmm.

Michael: Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Dick: Turns out they target, uh, annoying girlfriends the most, though.

Maddox: Uh-huh. (Michael laughs) Yeah.

Dick: They ALWAYS seem to get bitten at ASTOUNDING rates!

Maddox: Yes. (Michael laughs)

Dick: Even when doors are closed! You’re in a bank vault!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And if you’ve got an annoying girlfriend, you know, great for you, but she’s gonna have so many mosquitoes swarming on her…

Michael: Aawooooooo!! (howls) (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. They’re always getting bit in weird and mysterious ways and places.

Michael: Always. Yeah.

Maddox: You wouldn’t expect.

Michael: Yeah. How’s that happen?

Dick: (stammers) Science has no idea.

Maddox: I don’t know.

Michael: So they do discriminate.

Dick: They do.

Maddox: Yeah, I guess. (Michael chuckles) Not…not by race, though.

Michael: No, no, no.

Maddox: Just by gender. Just by gender.

Michael: Just by gender, yeah.

Maddox: They like to, uh…yeah.

Michael: And personality.

Maddox: Um…

Dick: Yes! (Maddox laughs) As it turns out.

Maddox: It turns out, the more annoying, the more bites!!

Michael: Yeah. Absolutely. (laughs)

Maddox: Weird. Weird correlation! (Michael laughs)

Dick: Maybe they’re on our side. Never thought about that.

Maddox: Yeah. Maybe they are on our side.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Followed by Job Lynch Mobs.

Dick: Oh, that’s good.

Maddox: Confusing. Confusing. (Dick laughs) And then, uh, Helicopter Parents.

Dick: Why is that confusing?

Sean: Only to you!!

Dick: Yeah. (grins) Everyone else understood that.

Maddox: Dick, you wanna give a recap for what Job Lynch Mobs was to our guest Mike?

Michael: Yes, I’d like to…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, sure, so…um…I think we’re entering a…a climate. Maybe you can call it a political climate, but it’s a socio-political climate where, uh…there’s a large contingent of people, who…when someone says something they don’t like, in whatever capacity that person is. If they say something on Twitter that they don’t like, or maybe do something that they don’t like, that’s not illegal, but just something they like to do. Like, if they go hunting, for example. They go on safari. That’s a big one that’ll settle people off on mine.

Michael: Absolutely. Sure.

Dick: What they do is band together and demand that person’s job. Yeah. And…and my position on it is that that mindset…that mindset that these job lynch mob people have is essentially the same as…it’s the Western version of, like, stoning extremism. Where that’s the most violence that they can thrust upon you that’s legal.

Michael: Right. Right.

Dick: And the legality of it is what defines it. Like, if you removed the legal requirement and let them do the stoning?! They would stone you in two seconds.

Michael: Right.

Dick: And that’s the job lynch mobs. Because…because…hurting someone’s job is the same to ME as hurting them physically. Morally. Because it costs you your life to get that back.

Michael: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dick: That’s…that’s the problem, to me, in a nutshell. We got dis…go ahead, sorry.

Michael: Sorry. People can even lose their jobs just by having a name that’s close in these job lynching. Because, uh…Rachael Ray. Rachael Ray?

Maddox: Ohh, yeah, so…

Michael: She’s…I’m pretty sure she’s done, right? (Maddox laughs) (Michael laughs)

Maddox: So what happened is, Beyonce released her limited release album, I guess, you know…

Michael: Yeah, Lemonade?

Maddox: Limited release. Of course. It’s only on every fucking media outlet you can access.

Dick: You’d better be fucking very careful shitting on Beyonce right now.

Maddox: Well…

Michael: You can’t. Oh, you can’t.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: No, you cannot do that.

Maddox: I will…I will poke the Bey-hive with my stick. (they laugh)

Dick: Oho.

Maddox: Uh-huh. I’m gonna put my stick right…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, my God.

Michael: We’re in his vicinity, we gotta be careful. (laughs)

Maddox: Right in the middle of the Bey-hive, buddy!!! Yeah, so…so of course, a bunch of people got really upset about this girl who they supposedly figured that Beyonce was talking about in her new Lemonade music video.

Michael:   Yeah. Yes.

Maddox: Whatever. The hour-long special. And her name sounded like Rachael Ray, or something, right?

Michael: Rachael Roy.

Maddox: Rachael Roy. And they thought it was Rachael Ray, the famous, uh, Food Network chef.

Michael: Yep.

Dick: They thought she had beef with Rachael Ray? (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cackles)

Michael: They thought that Jay-Z was hooking up with Rachael Ray.

Maddox: Rachael Ray. Yeah.

Michael: This is no joke.

Dick: Mmm?

Michael: Stupid people.

Maddox: So they went after Rachael Ray and started just bombarding her with hate messages. (stammers) Of course, let’s make sure to note here, again. This is not GamerGate. This is the Bey-hive, right?

Michael: Yeah. This is the Bey-hive. Yeah.

Maddox: When it’s people doing it about gaming, it’s misogynistic and ugly and the worst thing ever.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: But when they’re doing it, it’s the Bey-hive, you know, on behalf of Beyonce. Uh, you know. They got a little emotional. That’s all, guys.

Dick: Who’s the most untouchable person on the planet.

Maddox: Beyonce?

Dick: Beyonce.

Michael: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Beautiful, though.

Michael: I’m starting to think it’s a conspiracy against culinary celebrities.

Maddox: Mm, possibly.

Michael: Female. Paula Deen got taken down.

Dick: Oh, she did!

Michael: She got…for someone saying she said something, right?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: No, but she did say…

Michael: (interjects) She was saying racist shit. (giggles)

Maddox: She did say something like…yeah, she did say the N-word.

Michael: Did she actually say something?

Maddox: Yeah, no, she did. She said the N-word, yeah.

Michael: Oh, okay. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. For real.

Michael: I thought it was like somebody who was like, “Hey, I worked with her and she said this stuff.” And then she’s like “Yeah, I did, because I’m an old Southern woman.”

Maddox: Yeah, she did.

Michael: And…

Maddox: Um…

Dick: (interjects) And it’s just a word.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, no, I mean…everything’s just words.

Dick: (interjects) This is where we…this is where it deteriorated last week.

Maddox: But…I know. I know, Dick. Look, here’s the thing. Mike and I talked about problems that he was thinking about bringing in for this episode, and one of the problems sounded awfully similar to what you were saying, but…uh, he brought…there were examples that were made that you CAN stand behind and you can defend. Like, for example…like, Dick brought this in most recently because Curt Schilling got fired from ESPN…

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: For saying transphobic things on Twitter.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: And the thing is…you know, look. You supposedly have this job lynch mob, which you didn’t make a case for. You didn’t prove that that’s why he lost his job, ‘cause you…

Dick: (interjects) What do the votes say?

Maddox: Hold on. You didn’t prove that that’s why he lost his job. ‘Cause it could’ve been the company themselves, or people in the company themselves who found what he said morally reprehensible, and…uhh…something they didn’t want representing their brand. You didn’t make that case. But here’s something you could have very easily done, which is the guy who got fired, the dean from Harvard.

Michael: Yes.

Maddox: The president of Harvard who had to step down.

Dick: Lawrence Summers.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who had to step down because he suggested that there may be some evolutionary or biological reason women don’t go into stem fields.

Dick: Mmmhmm.

Maddox: Pretty innocuous, relatively speaking, statement, because…

Dick: (interjects) To you.

Maddox: No, uh…scientifically speaking, there’s evidence for this.

Dick: It’s innocuous to you.

Maddox: But…but here’s the thing. What Curt Schilling said may incite some actual mobs who are actually committing violence, REAL violence, against trans people.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: So that’s why that Curt Schilling example is, like, yeah, you know what? He should be allowed to say whatever he wants, but he was given that platform…

Michael: Right.

Maddox: Because of his employers. He was GIVEN a public platform because of his employers. So what was given was taken away. I don’t see a problem with that.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: And by the way…

Dick: (interjects) I know. You didn’t see a problem last week, ‘cause you’re part of the job lynch mob.

Maddox: I am definitely not.

Dick: Like, your definition of inciting violence and hate crime is not supported by the law, and it’s things you disa…like, it’s easy to defend people when you agree with what they say. It’s easy to defend Lawrence Summers. But my position is, you gotta defend people you don’t agree with, too. That’s why it’s bad. That’s why it’s subversive.

Maddox: Well, hold on. I…

Dick: (interjects) That’s what makes it difficult.

Maddox: Absolutely not. I…I…(stammers) I defend people I disagree with all the fucking time. Like, for example, I hate Donald Trump.

Michael: Me too.

Maddox: But I think he absolutely should have a platform to speak.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: And people who are trying to block people from going to his events absolutely have…

Michael: (interjects) It’s ridiculous.

Maddox: Yeah. It’s out of line.

Michael: Yep.

Maddox: Everyone should have the…the ability to speak their minds and say what they want, and I disagree with almost everything Donald Trump says. But he should absolutely have the right to say it. And, by the way, I’m not supporting, you know, any kind of job lynch mobs to go after people. The Cecil the Lion, the dentist who hunted that guy? Absolutely not.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: That was absurd. Um…

Michael: Well, with Trump it’s like a…it feels like a WWE event, doesn’t it? Like a Monday Night Raw?

Dick: And isn’t that awesome?

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: We can all say that WWE we need more of, right?

Michael: And I agree with you, like…yeah. Absolutely. And I don’t think people should stop that, because you gotta have the villains. You gotta have all the characters.

Maddox: Sure.

Michael: And we get to…watch it.

Maddox: Right, right. And..(stammers)

Michael: But, but…(stammers)

Maddox: And he still has the right to say whatever he wants.

Michael: But you see how riled up these audiences get.

Dick: Mhmm.

Michael: You know?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: You know why that is? ‘Cause he’s speaking pure truth, 100% of the time.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Michael: That’s what it is…(laughs nervously)

Maddox: Oh wait, you’re talking about Trump?

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Oh, okay. I thought you were starting talking about Curt Schilling. Um, then the Helicopter Parents, Dick. You kept trying to…like, here, here. I was thinking about it. I don’t know if you were intentionally…

Dick: (interjects) Are we gonna go through all the problems again? Like, we got a guest…he’s got a lot to say. He’s got things to talk about. I thought you made the points last week. (Michael giggles)

Maddox: Well, real…real quick…

Dick: Like, I got voice mails about…

Sean: Hold on. He has to tell you everything you did wrong last week.

Dick: I KNOW!! (Michael laughs) Fuck, I got voice mails where people called in and talked about their experience with helicopter parenting, like, interesting insights. We have to go over this…all this again?

Maddox: Well, let’s hear it. Go ahead.

Dick: Oh, this one’s great.

(Voice mail: (female voice) “Hey. I just wanted to call and weigh in on the helicopter parent problem. Uh, first, I agree with Dick that whenever children are younger, it’s really hard to tell where the line is between being a “good parent” and being overbearing…”

(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)

Maddox: Wrong!

“But I teach at a university…”

Maddox: Idiot. (laughs)

“…and this is a HUGE problem at my school, helicopter parenting.”

Maddox: There you go!!

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

“Our student’s office actually had to give a presentation about helicopter parenting to faculty because it’s so prevalent. I know there are federal laws…uh, I can’t remember what the acronym is for, but it’s called FURPA, which basically says that after 18…”

Dick: FURPA? Fat (talks over the recording, inaudible) That’s what it’s for.

“(inaudible while Dick runs his mouth)…education records. And I think part of that law was enacted because of this helicopter parenting. (someone giggles in the background) and it’s STILL a huge problem. I get emails all the time from parents asking if they can read their student’s essay, or see their grade, or change their grade, or meet with me, and…”

Dick: How about that?

“…basically, because of that law, I can just tell ‘em to go fuck themselves.”

Dick: Oh!!

Maddox: Good.

Sean: I think it’s the…

“…alright. Thanks.”)

Sean: I think it’s the Fucked-Up Retarded Parenting Act.

Dick: Oh!! That’s pretty good, Sean!! Backronyms. Chief in charge of backronyms!

Michael: Hey, that was good. Nice!

Maddox: Um, so yeah. She’s saying that helicopter parenting is a big problem. Now, the part that I disagreed with on that call is when she said that it’s hard to tell when it is and it isn’t. Guys, I have a very simple test. Generally speaking, alright? Just a rule of thumb. It’s not always gonna work, but most of the time. You look around and see what other people are doing. And if you’re doing something a little bit weird, you’re the weird one.

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: So if you are intervening in your child’s life a little too much. If every other parent at the park is just sitting down, relaxing. You don’t have to be in the dirt, following your child around fucking everywhere.

Sean: That takes some self-awareness.

Michael: Yeah. Be self-aware. Yeah.

Maddox: Well, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, but if you’re, like, at a Nazi Youth Rally, and everybody’s, like, “Go salute Hitler”, and your kid’s not, you should probably get involved and go tell ‘em to do that, right? (Michael snickers)

Maddox: Well…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, you gotta look around and make sure you’re doing what everyone is doing.

Maddox: I mean…

Michael: It’s true.

Maddox: …essentially, that’s…

Dick: (interjects) It’s true. It’s true. It’s a good point.

Maddox: You are a product of your culture. If you want to…

Dick: (interjects) I’m just kidding.

Maddox: If you want to live by…I know. But if you want to live by cultural norms, you look around and see what other people are doing. You look around and see how other people are eating.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: Dressing. Behaving. And you act more or less alike.

Michael: Right. Like, you shouldn’t just masturbate in public places. Right?

Dick: Unless everyone else is doing it.

Maddox: Unless everyone else is doing it!

Michael: But then Peewee Herman got in trouble.

Dick: And everyone was doing it!!

Maddox: No…

Dick: Yeah!!

Michael: Right. (laughs) Isn’t that true?

Dick: In an adult jerkoff theater? That’s what they’re for!

Michael: Yeah, everyone was doing it.

Maddox: You’re…

Michael: (interjects) So why did he get in trouble? ‘Cause…

Dick: You think he offended some kids?

Sean: ‘Cause he had a kids’ show.

Michael: ‘Cause you have a kids’ show.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: So you can’t do what everybody’s doing if you have a kid’s show. (chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: If that involves masturbating…together.

Maddox: There’s a job lynch mob!!

Dick: Michael, you…yeah. I was just gonna say. You brought…that is a very deep memory of mine.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: When Peewee got busted. ‘Cause I LOVED that show as a kid.

Michael: Dude, I have the doll in my bedroom, by the way.

Dick: Which one?

Michael: Peewee Herman doll.

Dick: The Peewee doll?

Michael: In the box.

Maddox: The Peewee Herman real doll. (they all laugh)

Michael: Yes.

Dick: Do you remember…when he got busted when you were a kid?

Michael: Absolutely.

Sean: It works the opposite way.

Michael: Oh my God, it was crushing. It was…

Dick: Did you know…as soon as it happened. As soon as it happened, I saw that, I’m like, “That’s it.” They’re gonna fuck up the show.

Michael: Done.

Dick: Ugh. That was brutal.

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: You ever seen him in his mug shot with the long hair and the weird…

Sean: (interjects) Oh, yeah.

Michael: He had some weird-ass pedophile glasses on.

Dick: Yeah!

Michael: That was weird.

Dick: He did.

Michael: That creeped me out, too. But I remember thinking, “Fuck! This is over!”

Dick: It’s over.

Maddox: Yeeeah.

Michael: Like, this run…we had a good run!

Dick: The ride’s over.

Maddox: It was so sad, too.

Sean: Wait, wait, to be clear…he’s not a pedophile, right?

Michael: He’s absolutely not. Absolutely not.

Maddox: No, of course not.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no.

Maddox: He was just jerking off in a theater.

Michael: That’s the problem is, I’ve talked to a lot of people. When his new movie came out on Netflix and people were saying, “He’s a pedophile!”

Sean: (interjects) I never heard that.

Michael: People have associated that with him. The younger people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: And I’m like, “No, he’s not.”

Dick: No way is he a pedophile.

Michael: The dude got caught masturbating in an adult theater…

Maddox: With other adults.

Michael: Watching porn.

Dick: Watching porn!

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: He wasn’t doing some weird shit. And people do misconstrue that, actually. Which makes me sad.

Dick: He also said he wasn’t masturbating.

Michael: Oh, really?

Dick: Because he masturbates with a different hand. And that, to me, is an airtight defense!

Michael: That is airtight.

Dick:   If somebody said they caught me jerking off with my right hand, I’m gonna say, “Hahahaha, okay, let’s go to court! I can’t wait to show you guys how I jerk off!” (grins)

Maddox: Yeah!

Sean: Because that’s a weird one to think of as a defense.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Sean: So I think it’s true.

Dick: I think it’s totally true!

Maddox: Yeah, that is. Also, also…

Michael: (interjects) That’s fair. Because any guy…have you ever switched?

Maddox: I…just once or twice, if my other hand’s busy. If I’m holding a beverage. (Michael laughs) But, like, yeah. That’s…like a margarita in one hand and I’m coming in off the beach, you know?

Michael: Sure. (they laugh)

Dick: Classic masturbation drink. A top-heavy margarita.

Maddox: Yeah. You know, got a little umbrella, I’m jerkin’ off, I’m on the beach in Mexico, I’m having a good time!

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: Yeah! I’m gonna stroke one off, yeah.

Michael: Yeah. No, say if I had a nickel, you know?

Maddox: Yeah, man. (Michael laughs)

Dick: I’ve trained myself to be ambidextrous.

Maddox: When it comes to jerking?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know…so that’s the test they give you in court. Is if they think that you were masturbating, they’re like, “Okay, go ahead and switch hands.” And if you cum, you’re guilty! (they all laugh) Uh-huh. That’s…that’s the test.

Michael: That’s the litmus test. (giggles)

Dick: Peewee deserved a fair trial!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Not a lynch mob!

Maddox: No.

Michael: He did. He did.

Dick: Not a job lynch mob.

Michael: And OJ gets away with it, right?

Dick: Ridiculous. (scoffs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ri…preposterous. (Michael laughs) Okay.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: I’m gonna play one more voicemail.

Maddox: Go for it.

Dick: This is a…this one is really insightful, I think. It’s about mosquitoes.

Michael: Oh, yeah. Fuck them. Fuck mosquitoes.

(Voice mail: male voice: “Buzz, BUZZ, BUZZ, Maddox mah sweetie.”

(someone guffaws)

Michael: Oh, you got called by a mosquito.

“…I’m a mosquito. How you doin’ tonight? Buzz, buzz, buzz. I’m on the small of your back, right where you can’t reach a nice, scratchy spot, and I’m gonna take a big old drink o’ your blood right now. (Maddox giggles) Okay? Hold on one second.” (makes a bunch of weird vomitus sounds)”)

Dick: Yeah, it kinda falls apart here. I think the…

(more vomitus sounds)

Dick: There it is. (giggles) He’s throwing up. Got it? You get the joke?

(more sounds)

Michael: You got it?

Maddox: Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Dick: Does everyone get it?

(sounds continue)

Michael: I heard Disney Pixar is making a movie outta this. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Why did that mosquito sound like a Southern plantation owner?

Michael: Yeah, right?

Dick: Don’t they all?

Maddox: “Takin’ a nice, tall drink o’ your blood.” (imitates him)

Michael: In a little white suit. (they laugh) Real sweaty mosquito.

Maddox: What were you gonna say, Dick? Yeah. (grins)

Dick: That’s the accent of having no fear.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Which they don’t.

Maddox: Hmm. Like Paula Deen.

Dick: “Well, whatevah.”

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like an old plantation where no one can touch me. (cocky)

Maddox: Yeah. (Michael laughs)

Dick: I’m doing whatevah I want.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Alright. I got a comment real quick. This is from J. Michael Lane. He says…this is just a correction. It says, “It was comedian Doug Stanhope from the special No Refunds who said ‘your kid isn’t hot enough.’ Etc.” So I was talking about, like…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, okay.

Maddox: You know, not every kid’s gonna get molested…’cause they’re not hot enough.

Dick: Oh, no, let’s not talk about child sexual molestation. Let’s get to some fun problems.

Maddox: (stammers) That’s it. It was just a correction. I just wanted to make sure. Yeah.

Dick: Okay. Alright.

Michael: (giggles) I’m with you on that, though.

Maddox: Yeah. Thanks. (Michael laughs) Alright, guys. We’re gonna get to our first problem this week…Voice Mail!

Michael:   Oooh.

Dick: Huh.

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Maddox: Yeah.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: (giggles) As you heard. So, uh, Dick…there’s a lot of curation that goes on in this show, and behind the scenes. We get a lot more…

Dick: (interjects) Pointlessly. I listen to so many fucking voicemails and play two of them. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, there’s two hours down the drain.

Maddox: Well, why don’t you play one…why don’t you play one that’s…you know. That you wouldn’t normally play on air.

Dick: Okay, here you go.

(Voice mail: male voice: “Oh, the sweeeeet…fuck you, Sean, audio engineer. You piece of shit! (they giggle) )

Dick: There you go.

Michael: That was from you, Dick? (laughs)

Dick: No!

Maddox: No.

Dick: Tons of these!

Sean: That was it?

Maddox: We get TONS of voice mails.

Dick: That’s it. Yeah.

Michael: He just doesn’t like Sean. (giggles)

Maddox: Uh…

Sean: Bizarre.

Maddox: Yeah. First of all, voice mail…outside…outside this show, and possibly inside the show, as well, are one of the most inconsiderate ways of communication. I have told my friend to never leave me voicemail, ‘cause he would constantly call me and say, “Hey man.” (pauses) “Just letting you know I was trying to get a hold of you. Uh, give me a call back. Bye.” Why do I have to hear that?

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: I can see on my phone that I missed a call from you.

Michael: Missed call. Yeah.

Maddox: I can assume that because you called me, you wanted to talk to me. That voicemail added no new information. Voicemails should be relegated to the area of mother technology.

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: You know what I mean? Like checkbooks? Uh…what else?

Dick: Wait a minute. Wait…what? What’s mother technology?

Michael: Like, what they still use.

Maddox: Mom tech.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: Ohhhh, oh.

Michael: Checkbooks are still in the moms’ purses.

Maddox: Checkbooks. Mhmm.

Dick: I still write checks. You guys don’t write checks?

Maddox: No.

Dick: What year do you live in?

Michael: Mmmmm, once in a while for rent, maybe.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The bank…the bank does it all. Most banks do this service now. They have a bill pay?

Michael: Transfers. And yeah.

Maddox: You just type in the amount you want, and they’ll draft the check and send it.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: Hmm.

Michael: You can Venmo people now.

Maddox: Paypal. Venmo.

Dick: It’s true.

Maddox: There’s no need…

Michael: (interjects) Checkbooks are dying.

Maddox: Yeah. Checkbooks.

Michael: Which is gonna save more paper, which is great.

Dick: Oh, my gosh.

Michael: Right?

Dick: Sure.

Michael: I dunno.

Dick: I guess.

Maddox: You know what?!

Dick: I guess. If you love paper so much, over there, Michael. (grins)

Michael: Does anybody give a shit about that? (cracks up)

Maddox: You know, Michael, I remember, back in the…(Dick cracks up) Big Paper over here.

Michael: Huge paper guy. Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: All my delicious paper!!! (Michael laughs)

Maddox: You guys…you guys remember, in the 90s, all the fucking activists, like the Greenpeace activists and all those shitlords who were constantly saying, “save paper, save paper…recycle, save paper, recycle, save paper!” Now, no one prints anything anymore, ‘cause we all have fucking email.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: That’s how most communication is done, through email. Text messaging. Uh, instant messaging. All that shit. So we’re probably saving TONS of paper.

Michael: Oh, God, right?

Maddox: Where are those same shitheads who are coming out to congratulate us, huh?!

Michael: Yeah!

Maddox: I want a little thanks! I want Greenpeace to send me a thank you letter!

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Every time I don’t print something!

Michael: Well, what do you think those guys do now?

Dick: (interjects) They do email.

Michael: They don’t know what…they ran out of things to say. They’re just, like…(trails off, giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: “Oh, the paper’s being saved. Hmm.”

Dick: It’s wasting electrons, now!! (Michael laughs) Too many electrons!

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Those guys had to evolve.

Maddox: Yeah, they’re still sending voicemails, I bet.

Michael: Oh, definitely.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Still saves paper!

Michael: It totally saves paper!! But do…

Maddox: (interjects) Do you guys…

Michael: (interjects) Yeah. No, no, you go.

Maddox: Do you use voicemail, ever?

Michael: Uh…my mom leaves voicemails on my phone. Mom.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Which you said, mom tech.

Maddox: Mom tech.

Michael: Uh, and everyone once in a while, business stuff. Like, if you…if someone’s calling you for something business-related, they’ll leave a voice mail.

Dick: Does it annoy you a little bit when that happens? ‘Cause it always…it really annoys me. I’m definitely in Maddox’s camp about voice mails. I…I think it’s disrespectful, no matter what it is, to leave me the voice mail.

Michael: I agree.

Dick: Because you KNOW that I need it in writing.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: Absolutely.

Dick: And…and YOU, first of all. You are risking the communication by just splurting it out into the air!

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: Like, we all listen to voice mails, like, when we’re driving, right? (stammers) And down time. Major down time, when I am not actively involved in commerce, right? This is…so this is on you!! You’re fucking this up! ‘Cause I’m not gonna remember when I get home.

Michael: Absolutely. No, you’re right.

Sean: I’ll tell you something…I’ll tell you something about Dick. I’ve known you for…well over 20 years, right?

Dick: Yes!

Sean: You NEVER leave voice mails.

Dick: Not ever.

Maddox: Good!

Sean: And you’ve stated that, too. You said, “I won’t leave voice mails.”

Dick: I will NEVER do it.

Michael: Yeah. I don’t either.

Maddox: Dick is like a Native American when it comes to his voice. Doesn’t want it recorded.

Dick:   No. (Michael laughs) I don’t want it to…

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: I think it takes my soul.

Maddox: It takes his soul!

Michael: Okay.

Dick: I don’t want it.

Maddox: He’s afraid.

Dick: I don’t want people messing it up, either.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And making me say, you know, stuff that I wouldn’t be saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Sure. Sure.

Maddox: So…so instead, we record a weekly podcast. (laughing)

Michael: I was gonna say. I was just gonna say, yeah.

Maddox: For an hour and a half.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Where no one can misconstrue or take any of your quotes out of context! (Michael laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Ever. Yeah. Voice mails are totally inconsiderate. It’s one of the most…

Michael: (interjects) I literally will just click on them, and just, you’ll see the name of the person…

Dick: (interjects) Delete.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Delete.

Michael: Just click, delete. And you have to listen to a second of ‘em, by the way, when you do that. (Dick groans) You ever do that?

Maddox: Yeaaaah. (annoyed)

Michael: Where you…it makes you play them, and you’re like “Ih…” DELETE! Fucking delete. Okay, good. ‘Cause I don’t give a shit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Like, you’re gonna get an email with business information.

Dick: Mhmm.

Michael: Or you’re gonna get text messages.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: And like you said, those fucking voice mails with, like, the “Hey man. Just calling you just to say what’s…”

Maddox: “Just calling you.”

Michael: Yeah. “Just wanna let you know I was calling you.”

Maddox: Yeah. Mhmm.

Michael: It’s like, yeah, we fucking get it, man.

Maddox: Yeah. We got it.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: We got missed calls, your name’s in there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: You’re catalogued. I’m gonna get back to you when I can. Like, it’s over.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, hey…

Michael: Have you done a greeting on your phone? Have you guys ever set greetings?

Maddox: No, I don’t set greetings.

Dick: So this is…I do, and I try to make it just confusing, so people will hang up.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, ‘cause you know. People get this…something is out of order with the social contract, and they freak out. And just abort, right? (Michael laughs) So for a while, my voice message was just like, “BLARGH”, and that was it. (they laugh) And it cut down. People would…when they finally got a hold of me, they’d go, “Something’s wrong with your voice mail, I didn’t know what it was, so I just hung up.” And I’m like, “Oh, well, I’ll check it out.”

Michael: Do it. (laughing)

Dick: “And if that ever happens again, definitely don’t leave a voice mail.” (Michael laughs) It could be someone else.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But now I’m thinking…maybe an even better way to go is to just max out the greeting.

Michael: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Right? Like, “Hey, how you doing? I’m…”

Michael: Voice mails full.

Dick: Yeah. I’m gonna read…oh, voice mails full, or, I’m gonna read, um…I’m gonna read the Hobbit to you for 10 minutes.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Then you can leave me a voice mail.

Maddox: Yeah! (Michael laughs)

Dick: You stupid asshole.

Maddox: You wasted my time, I’ll waste yours, shithead!

Michael: That’s great.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: That’s great. That’s smart.

Maddox: I used to leave funny voicemails…funny voicemail responses, and I got way more response from people…

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: They were always wanting…”Oh, hey, (goofy voice) I really liked the voicemail. That made me laugh, hahaha.” And then I have to listen to an extra, like, 10 seconds of them commenting on my voicemail greetings.

Michael: Yesss.

Dick: Oh, ‘cause your greeting was funny?

Maddox: Yeah, ‘cause my gree…

Michael: (interjects) I got that too, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So I…I immediately got rid of it. And then, um, the other thing I hate. Two things about voice mail I hate. Is when they have the false pickup? So sometimes they’ll say…”Hello?” Right?

Michael: Oh, yeah, the old joke. Yeah.

Maddox: And then they’re like “Just kidding. I’m not actually available!”

Michael: Yeaaaaah. Yeah.

Maddox: “This is my voicemail.” It’s like, you know what? Fuck you!!!

Dick: I do like, that though. That’s pretty funny.

Maddox: And then it always…it al…(laughs)

Michael: It was a good joke!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, but it always goes to the tone right when I’m saying “Fuck you!”

Michael: As you’d start talking?

Maddox: Yeah. (Michael and Maddox laugh) I get so fucking mad! I’m like, “You know what! Fuck you! I don’t want to talk to you anyway!” (Michael laughs) Don’t call me back! I’m just letting you know, this is the one voice mail you have to listen to! Do NOT call me back. I’m not gonna pick up, shithead!” (Michael laughs) I’m so fuckin’ tired of your stunts! And then here’s the other thing. I wanna see where the room falls on this.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: Because this…this to me was also egregious. I called someone one time. Uh, someone younger. And they set their voice mail to, “Hey, um, so this is..” I’m just gonna make up a name. “This is Clarence. If you’re calling me right now and you were gonna leave me a voice mail, please don’t. I prefer texts. Please send me a text.”

Dick: (laughs) That’s great!

Maddox: Uh, you think that’s great?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: That infuriates me. I’m like, “You know what?! Fuck you! I’m gonna leave you an extra long voicemail, shithead!!”

Dick: Why?! What’s wrong with that?! Why would you bone Clarence like that?

Maddox: Ugh. It’s so SNARKY.

Dick: Why would you dupe Clarence like that?

Maddox: It’s so snarty. (Michael laughs) You know what? Just turn off your voice mail, shithead! You’re not that important.

Michael: You know what I loved, when, you know, back when we had answering machines. And into voicemail. People thought it was cool to play some contemporary hit song?

Maddox: Yessssssssssss. (annoyed)

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: While they’re talking in the background.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: And they would time it up, like, I’m gonna play this, people are gonna love it. They’re gonna get that I like this song.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Michael: And I’m in the know. Like, who the fuck does that? Like, I never did it. I always try to be funny, too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Like, I…I think my best one, and you guys can judge this how you will, but I think…

Dick: (interjects) Ohh, we will. (Michael laughs)

Michael: Remember, a beep would…it was always followed by a beep.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Michael: So I thought it would be clever to go on a fucking rant where I’m just about to drop a curse word, and when the beep happens, it covers my curse word.

Maddox: Oh, that’s funny. Yeah.

Michael: And then I would get wrong numbers calling me, and you just hear people, like, laughing, going, “Ah, that was great, man.” And I felt good about myself.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: I dunno why it felt so good to win on that, but it was much better than playing, you know. Coldplay’s fucking Parachutes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: While I tell you to leave a message. (laughs)

Maddox: Oh, excuse me, Michael? Can you please not leave me a voice mail, and send me a text instead? Please? (Michael laughs) Uh, I would really appreciate if you send me a text. I don’t like to check my voice…

Dick: (interjects) What’s wrong with that?!

Maddox: It’s just…it’s scolding. It’s condescend…I don’t wanna be scolded.

Dick: Maybe people don’t know! Maybe they never thought of it before, and he’s enlightening them. Like, “Oh, I never thought about it. Voice mails are a pain in the ass.”

Maddox: Well, yeah, they are.

Dick: Thanks. What did you call that guy? Carmichael? Or…(giggles) Clementine? What was his name?

Maddox: Clarence. Yeah.

Dick: Thanks, Clarence. You the man.

Maddox: But outside…(Michael laughs) Outside, like, the only people who are ever gonna hear that are your parents and then the one odd friend who keeps leaving voicemail. Which, by the way, I just had a conversation with him in person. I called him up and I said, “DO NOT SEND ME VOICE MAILS EVER AGAIN!”

Dick: Oh, boy.

Maddox: I’m not going to listen to them!!! And he goes, “Okay, okay. What’s the big deal, man?”

Dick: I know, are you talking about…you’re talking about soup-flavored blankets! (Maddox laughs) Guy.

Maddox: Yeah, that’s the guy. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. You’re talking about soup-flavored blankets.

Maddox: I can’t not do the voice when I talk. (laughing)

Michael: I need to know THIS guy.

Dick: A guy, a friend of Maddox’s, came in last…last year. Maybe a little bit less than that.

Michael: Right.

Dick: Uh, he’s an interesting character. I went to Burning Man with him last year.

Michael: Cool.

Dick: And we had a giant… a giant soup kitchen.

Michael: Okay.

Dick: Out in the middle of the desert, giving away soup.

Michael: Nice.

Dick: Um…that looked like a giant cracker box.

Michael: Cool.

Dick: He’s a little off. (Michael laughs) He’s definitely somebody who would leave voice mails. That’s why I thought you were talking about him.

Michael: Sure, sure.

Dick: ‘Cause he’s stuck in a different time.

Maddox: He is. I don’t know.

Dick: You know? People who are…people who are thinking about voicemails and use them to communicate are stuck in the past. Or maybe not…maybe like an anachronistic past. Like, they’re like steampunks.

Michael: Sure, yeah.

Dick: Like, they’re in the 80’s tape world still, I think.

Michael: But this guy has the patent on soup-flavored blankets? Is that it?

Dick: No patent.

Michael: Oh, no, but he’s created this?

Dick: Uh…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He’s created giving out soup and blankets and calling it soup-flavored blankets.

Michael: Oh. Oh, I thought he created a…

Dick: (interjects) There’s no creation.

Michael: …soup-flavored blanket, or something.

Maddox: No, no.

Michael: In case, like, you’re…

Dick: (interjects) Only because of spillage.

Michael: …hungry at night. Oh, okay. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: That’s great. (laughs)

Maddox: But the blanket does…yeah. It’s pretty cool. Um, anyway. I lov…I lov…

Dick: (interjects) Tastes like soup after a while.

Michael: Yeah. Sure, sure. Anything.

Maddox: But so do most clothes if you wear ‘em long enough.

Michael: Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. You stew in ‘em long enough, they’re gonna taste like stew.

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: They’re gonna smell like stew and they’re gonna taste like stew. But yeah, anyway. He’s a great dude, but I…he just drives me nuts with the voicemails, man.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: You know what I think it is? It’s hands-free, right? You’re in your car. You dialed someone. And don’t…here’s a few times I think that it’s justifiable and acceptable to leave voice mail.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: ‘Cause I’ve done this. Uh…

Michael: Kay.

Maddox: And anything I do is justifiable. So..(giggles)…I was washing the dishes, expecting someone to answer. My hands are wet, and soapy, and sudsy, right? And they don’t answer, it goes to voicemail. And I’m…my hands are…I’m trying to dry them, and wash them as quickly as possible.

Michael: Sure. Can’t hang up.

Maddox: “Hey man, I apologize for the voice mail, I didn’t mean to leave this for you…”

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: “I just can’t reach my phone right now. Hold on, I gotta dry my hands. Okay, there it is. Nevermind, delete this message.” Click.

Michael: Right.

Dick: Disrespectful. (Maddox chuckles)

Michael: Wait, ‘cause you didn’t want just the sound of static and you fumbling, or?

Maddox: Well, I didn’t want to get my phone wet.

Dick: He didn’t want to get my phone wet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Oh, well, I understand that, but I’m saying because you didn’t want to get your phone wet, you felt like, “I can’t leave sound on his voicemail.”

Maddox: Yeah, ‘cause then he’ll think I pocket-dialed him.

Michael: Okay. Right, okay.

Maddox: And I want him to know I was TRYING to call you…

Dick: While you were doing dishes, though? What’s that all about?

Michael: Sounds inappropriate.

Maddox: That’s pragmatism, buddy!

Dick: Keep me company while I’m doing my dishes? (grins) (Michael laughs)

Maddox: It’s efficiency! I do…look. 90% of my phone calls are either while I’m doing the dishes or while I’m taking a shit. Efficiency.

Michael: Multitasking.

Maddox: Multitasking!

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah! I even thought about, like, how to…

Michael: You do phone calls while shitting.

Maddox: Oh, all the time. I…I…here’s some tips, alright? I even thought about how to mask the echo in the…in the bathroom?

Michael: Okay.

Maddox: Right? I close the shower curtain and I put my mouth really close to the shower curtain, as close as I can when I’m talking so that the echo is reduced, and then…

Michael: How close is your shower curtain?

Dick: That’s a weird pooping position. Yeah.

Michael: Your shower curtain’s gotta be close. Like, we can’t all do this.

Maddox: It’s about three feet, yeah. Yeah. (Michael laughs) And also, it has to be a fabric shower curtain, it can’t be latex or plastic.

Michael: Okay. (Dick laughs)

Dick: So you, like, chloroform yourself as you’re shitting and talking on the phone?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Put a rag in front of your mouth?

Maddox: They don’t…

Michael: (interjects) “Why does Maddox sound like Darth Vader while he’s shitting?” (they chuckle)

Maddox: No, no. It’s totally normal. No one knows. And then the other thing I do is when I’m ready to flush…’cause I used to not flush, thinking, like…(burps) it would be rude.

Michael: Ever. (laughs)

Maddox: Um, so…(laughs) Instead of flushing now…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: …while I’m on the phone call, what I do is I quickly hit mute, flush, unmute…

Michael: Oh!

Maddox: …step out, done. No one knows. (grins)

Michael: That’s excellent.

Maddox: Yeah. They’re none the wiser. (Dick chuckles)

Michael: Okay, but now everyone knows. Everyone that talks to you is like, “Oh, fuck, I knew he was shitting.

Maddox: Well…you know what, though?

Michael: Just trying to figure that out.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It could be that 10% of the time that I’m not.

Michael: That’s true. That’s true.

Maddox:   You don’t know.

Michael: I would do texting…

Dick: (interjects) I’ve taken to pissing in the sink.

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: ‘Cause they can tell when you mute it, like, if I’m talking to a girl.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: And I gotta go, I’m like, “Well if I mute it, she’s gonna know. (makes complaining sounds)”

Michael: Sure.

Dick: Like, pick it up. So I just go right into the sink and then when the phone call’s over, pssssshhh. Turn it on, scrub it.

Michael: Wait, you pissed in the sink…the distance of the stream is what causes the sound.

Dick: Yeah, there’s no gurgling.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know, it’s just pure slide…

Maddox: Yeah!

Michael: (stammers) You just rest your dick in the sink and let it just go out.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah!

Michael: Okay. That makes sense.

Maddox: It’s very…it’s actually very hygienic. You get way less splash everywhere.

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: That’s why I keep telling people, like, my friends…

Michael: (interjects) And then you just wash your hands right there. We should all piss in sinks, right? ‘Cause then it’s just a one-stop shop.

Maddox: Absolutely. Especially…

Dick:   (interjects) YOUR sink.

Maddox: Especially when you wake up and you have…(Michael laughs) you have that piss boner.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Like, what do you do? Here’s the thing. Women…you’re not gonna understand this, but when you have a piss boner…

Dick: (interjects) I think it might be more than women that don’t understand this…

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Michael: You don’t get pee boners?

Maddox: You don’t get pee boners?

Dick: Well, I don’t need to relieve ‘em in the sink.

Michael: Oh, no. Well…

Maddox: (interjects) No, you don’t need to, but…

Michael: (interjects) I don’t know where this is going yet.

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: The other thing…like…yeah. Well…

Sean: (interjects) It’s gonna lob!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If you don’t…if you don’t, like…it only bends one way.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: You’re not gonna bend it down into the fucking toilet. You have to, like, kind straddle the toilet and put your dong down there.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: Like a weird fucking…you’re playing Operation trying to get it down the bowl, and like, trying to pee. (Michael laughs) Right down the fucking…you know. Right in the hole. But why not just do it in the…

Michael: How big is your dick? (laughing)

Maddox: I…it touches.

Michael: It’s like a tricky game of Operation to get it in the toilet. (Maddox and Michael laugh)

Maddox: It touches the SIDES of the toilet rim, yeah. (grins)

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: The sink is the charley horse. (Michael laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

(they all talk over each other)

Dick: So this problem is…is over, right?

Maddox: Yeah, that’s it. That’s it.

Dick: (laughs) We’re talking about dicks.

Michael: Did we go too far into dicks?

Maddox: Voice mail’s my problem.

Michael: Sorry.

Maddox: Uh, Michael…

Michael: Yes.

Maddox: You, as our guest, thank you for joining us this week.

Michael: Thank you.

Maddox: What is your problem this week?

Michael: Okay, my problem is Humorless Stupid People.

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick: Humorless Stupid People.

Michael: Humorless Stupid People.

Dick: The humorless.

Michael: Yeah. The humorless.

Maddox: Yeah. The humorless.

Michael: I think those go hand in hand. If you’re stupid, you don’t have a good sense of humor.

Maddox: Yeah!

Michael: I think very smart people are very funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Uh, like, I think you guys are very funny and I feel like you’re smarter than me. Not as…I’m not trying to, like, pad your egos. I’m just saying that I think you’re very funny because you’re smart. And I think that stupid people are not funny. They don’t get jokes. And they’re the people that flood a lot of the Comments sections.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Online.

Michael: Online, yes.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: So we talked about earlier, I have a show, the Hacks of Life. And, you know, I do these sort of elaborate life hack/social engineering things, where I…

Dick: (interjects) Seems pretty funny to put a baby into a stroller and schlep them into Dis…

Michael: Sure.

Dick: Like, something that two grown men who would think of this prank would NOT want as a prize. Like, if I think of the demo of Disneyland, off the top of my head, like, “Oh, you know, two regular funny dudes who would load each other into a stroller. That’s who wants to be at Disneyland!” Duh!

Michael: Right. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Exactly.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: And so…so this…you know. It did pretty well. It got front paged on Yahoo.

Maddox: Right.

Michael: Which, you know, I read the Comments sections, because I don’t have a lot to do in the rest of my life, so…I’m reading them, and Jesus Christ. These people…first of all, they think it’s like….I’m…they think I’m the downfall of society. They think that I’m ruining the world. They think I should be arrested. And then they said, um…that I’m taking from Disney, this theme park. This conglomerate.

Maddox: POOOOOOOOOR Disney.

Dick: Oho, yeah. (they all talk over each other) They’re very protective.

Michael: I’m taking from them; therefore, me sneaking my friend in that day…

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: …is gonna, first off, cause people to lose their jobs, because Disney just lost a ton of money on us.

Maddox: Oh, sure! (sarcastic)

Michael: Because, granted, I did switch a 50 cent burger for a 12-dollar burger. I did do that, too.

Maddox: Well, to be fair, you switched a 50 cent burger for a 50 cent burger.

Michael: Absolutely.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Let’s be real. Yeah.

Michael: In a nice package. Yeah. Absolutely. And they both taste like shit, by the way.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: But, um…yeah. And then they said that therefore, people are losing jobs, and therefore, Disney will have to raise prices on us people…

Maddox: Ohoho. (laughs)

Michael: And I’M the problem with society.

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick scoffs)

Michael: And they were really up in arms about this!!

Dick: Disney’s raised the price as high as they can raise it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This idea that, like, these infractions caused the price of things to go, it’s like, “Okay, uh…kids, I know that you were poorly educ…I know that nobody gets a good economics education in the world, but that price is as fucking high as they can get it!”

Michael: Right.

Dick: And they’ve tried to jam as much money up into that price as they can. It’s a Thanksgiving turkey of money!! (Michael laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They can’t get ANY higher, no matter how much ANYBODY steals! (yells)

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: It’s…

Michael: (interjects) It gets our blood boiling.

Maddox: Oh, absolutely.

Michael: Yeah. I have one analogy

Dick: ‘Cause it’s so disingenuous.

Michael: Yeah!

Dick: They don’t think it, they don’t know it, they just hate you for taking away something that’s beautiful to them, for ruining Disneyland a little bit for them.

Michael: Absolutely.

Sean: Well, it’s so stupid for them to think that millions of people are gonna emulate you!

Michael: Absolutely. That, too. It’s such an elaborate stunt that this…first of all, it’s…it’s not gonna happen again.

Maddox: Right.

Michael: Like, that’s over. But these people were SO pissed off, and I’m sitting there thinking…and I’m gonna do a quick analogy.

Dick: Yes, please.

Michael: Uh, okay. So we’re gonna take the conglomerate and anthropomorphize it into our friend Gary, okay?

Maddox: Mmkay.

Michael: So all of us are gonna go to a theme park together, and we have a friend named Gary. And he picked up all our tickets. I’m like, “Hey guys, Gary picked up the tickets. We gotta Venmo him.” Gary comes in, he’s like, “Hey guys, Venmo me $150 each. Let’s go to the theme park.”

Dick: Cool.

Michael: And then we go, “Hey Gary, how was your week outside of this?” He’s like, “Oh man, it’s been good. You know those Indiana Jones movies, and the Star Wars movies and stuff?” And we’re like, “Yeah, yeah, which one?” And he’s like, “All of them. You know all those movies?” And we’re like, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Well, I bought the rights to those this week.”

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: “And, uhh…”

Dick: WOW!

Michael: “And a few other things, you know.”

Dick: Busy week for Gary!

Michael: Yeah, right? And then we look at Gary and go…and then Gary will be like, “Uh, yeah. So, by the way, Dick, your Venmo didn’t go through.” Like, “Fuck you, Gary!!” (Dick chuckles) You’ve got enough money to buy Disney, Marvel, whatever, sorry. Lucas.

Maddox: Star Wars!!

Michael: Star Wars.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Michael: And you’re gonna bitch…people are gonna bitch because I took $150 out of their pocket?

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Are you fucking kidding me?!

Maddox: And by the way, you didn’t. because if you had…you did this whole stunt with the understanding that you might have gotten caught.

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: And if you HAD gotten caught, whatever. It’s still a hilarious video. You get escorted off the property! (laughs)

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: You weren’t planning on buying…

Dick: (interjects) Or go to Disney jail. Even better.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Disney jail? I almost did that. I almost went into Disney jail.

Dick: Ohhhhh, man!

Michael: ‘Cause we did some more in the…I’ll tell that story.

Maddox: Whoa, I wanna hear about that, but…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, tell it.

Maddox: But…but yeah. But (stammers) essentially, you weren’t ever planning on buying that ticket in the first place!

Michael: Right.

Maddox: That was never their money!

Michael: Right.

Maddox: You are…if you had gotten caught, you would’ve been just, okay…walked out with your dick in your hand, jerking off with your other hand.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: With a margarita in the other, right?

Michael: Now, mind you, I explained this in the video.

Dick: Well…

Michael: It was a two for one. I actually did get a ticket.

Maddox: Yeah, you bought one.

Michael: It was a two for one. I’m bringing him in.

Maddox: PLUS, plus here…

Michael: And we’re splitting it.

Dick: What do you mean, you also got a ticket?

Michael: I mean I…I purchased a ticket for myself.

Maddox: And he just snuck his friend in.

Michael: As the dad.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, I see. I see. Okay.

Michael: So we split the ticket and it was not a total…you know.

Dick: Well, I’m still gonna say, it’s theft. But I support it. I don’t have a problem with it.

Michael: Sure.

Dick: I don’t care.

Michael: Right. Thank you.

Dick: Yeah!

Michael: Thank you.

Dick: Sure. Jesus Christ, it’s funny.

Michael: But I don’t know what the law is on it. Is there a law that says you can’t…

Maddox: (interjects) Sneak in and have fun?

Michael: …sneak your baby friend in if you get through?

Dick: Well, they could kick you out.

Maddox: What…

Michael: (interjects) They could kick you out, but it’s not a law.

Maddox: Yeah, but what is a baby? If you brought a child…(Dick and Michael crack up)

Dick: Here’s the king of shitty court!

Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh. (Michael laughs) No, but…

Michael: I love where this is going. (laughs)

Dick: The Honorable Maddox is the judge, both lawyers, and the bailiff!!

Maddox: I got it!!!

Dick: Your Honor!! What is a baby?! That’s a good point. Defense? Well, your Honor. (Michael laughs)

Maddox: Yeah! Nobody knows! Nobody knows what a baby is.

Michael: It’s just a term.

Maddox: Everyone says, “Oh, my baby. My baby.” Your girlfriend could be your baby. (Dick guffaws) Your friend could be your baby. You could be adopting your friend?!

Michael: That’s true. (Dick sighs, laughs)

Maddox: Is there an age limit on babies? Fucking no!!!

Dick: 1.

Michael: That’s true! (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Oh, is it really 1?!

Dick: (laughing) It’s 1!!

Maddox: No, it’s not.

Michael: Is it 1?

(they all talk over each other)

Maddox: No one knows what a baby is!! No one knows!!

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Dick brought in toddlers awhile back, and I’m like, “they’re the same thing as babies. I brought in babies already.”

Dick: No, they walk!

Michael: He could have had a Baby Dick!! (they all laugh)

Maddox: I looked online. No one can agree what a baby is. No one…

Michael: (interjects) No.

Maddox: And, by the way, what if you just have a child who is developmentally stunted?

Michael: Yep.

Maddox: And has, essentially, the mental faculty of…

Dick: The mental capacity…yeah.

Maddox: …a baby?!

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Couldn’t you then justify?

Michael: Shouldn’t they be able to get free?

Maddox: Yeah!

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: Why not?! Put ‘em in a stroller. Who gives a shit?! Who gives a shit, Disney?! Oh, did we steal some of your fun?! In your stupid park?

Michael: Those definitions are only used in, like, clothing sizes, by the way.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: It’s like “baby”, “infant”, “toddler”, “grown man”.

Dick: Wait a minute. I’m…I’m getting a great Internet video, here. We should go to the Disneyland and I will pretend to be retarded so that I can have the mental faculties of a baby, right? And then you can have this argument with them! That would be…hilarious, I’m sure everyone on the Internet would love that.

Michael: That’s true.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: But I think that the only argument they’re gonna have is “He’s big enough to go on the rides and he’ll probably ride the rides.” So it depends on how…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, that’s true.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, aren’t babies?

Michael: No.

Maddox: Why? You just put ‘em in your lap!

Michael: There’s a height requirement.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no.

Maddox: Can’t you just hold em?

Michael: I don’t think so.

Dick: Very few rides can you do that.

Michael: I think you have to leave the wife with the stroller off to the side. Or the husband.

Maddox: But they have those nets. They have those nets.

Dick: For catching the babies?

Maddox: No, in front of your ride, where you put your belongings. Can’t you just…

Michael: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Oh.

Michael: I think you could stuff the baby in there.

Maddox: Yeah, you stuff the baby in there, you’re good.

Michael: ‘Cause that’s safe. Sunglasses. Hey.

Maddox: You’re good to go. Yeah.

Michael: I got expensive sunglasses.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: If I put those in there, they’re safe.

Maddox: Yeah. Sunglasses scratch way easier than babies.

Dick: It’s true.

Michael: Oh, way easier.

Maddox: Babies…they bounce. They’re fine!

Dick: They’re pretty resilient. So what else about humorless commenters? You’ve had a long-illustrious YouTube life.

Michael: Yeah!

Dick: You must’ve run into more…uh, I’ve encountered them. When I went on Dr. Phil, I thought everyone would think this would be the funniest thing in the world. Go say some ridiculous stuff. Alll…I’m on Dr. Phil saying all lesbians are faking it. Like, oh, man. The whole world’s gonna think this is hilarious! Not the case.

Maddox: No.

Michael: Whoa.

Dick: Not the case!

Michael: Right.

Dick: A LOT of death threats after that!

Michael: Oh, see? Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause people…either they can’t understand the joke…either they can’t understand that a man with a shaved head and a gigantic Texas mustache and aviator sunglasses would be making, you know…saying…making hyperbole statements for FUN, because the whole Dr. Phil self-help daytime TV industry is the biggest joke that you could possibly build! Like, that’s the joke!!

Michael: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dick: Looking at this and saying, “Oh, well clearly that man is a hatemonger.”

Michael: Right.

Dick: That’s…that’s the people that I think you’re talking about.

Michael: Abs…100%!

Dick: And they’re stupid as hell!

Michael: And there’s the lynch mob coming back to hate YOU now.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: Because you made a joke that they don’t fucking understand.

Dick: Don’t get it. Angry. Makes me angry.

Michael: And I get that we blur the lines now. I get it. Like, YouTube and all these videos, we blur the lines. There’s all these different…what’s real, what’s fake. Most of my comments on my show are “fake” and “gay”. That’s what I get all the time.

Dick: Sure.

Michael: Fake and gay.

Maddox: Oh, you know where that comes from?

Michael: Where does that come from?

Maddox: That’s actually from Ray William Johnson. So a long time ago, when I first came out doing my YouTube videos, I got a lot of hate for my first video.

Michael: Sure. Yeah.

Maddox: Just READ the comments.

Michael: Me too, yeah.

Maddox: Oh, my God.

Dick: ‘Cause of the sound?

Maddox: Well, everything. They hated…no, the sound was fine.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: People didn’t really have a problem with the sound. They hated the content. They hated my delivery. They hated EVERYTHING about it.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And some of the people didn’t even find it funny, which, you know, uh…whatever. Some people are humorless. But also, you have to also take into consideration that not every type of humor is for every type of person.

Michael: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Maddox: Some people like dark humor, some people like, uh…you know, gaffes, and they like slapstick humor.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: And pranks, and that sort of thing. Like, there’s tons of stuff out there.

Michael: Yeah. To each his own.

Maddox: Right. So I got so much…SO much hate mail, and I came out…my second video, I came out and I said, “Guys, do you really…like, I’m trying to produce a high-quality show, here. And you know what? I may have missed the mark on a few of these…these points, yeah. I look like shit on camera, my delivery’s stiff.” But here’s the alternative, and the alternative is Ray William Johnson. And at the time it was Fred. Those were, like, two of the biggest YouTubers.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: That were out there. And Ray William Johnson’s content, I looked at almost every…I watched almost every single one of his videos, and it put me in such a bad mood, ‘cause they were so unfunny, they were just…

Michael: (interjects) I agree. I agree.

Maddox: But that’s where that fake and gay comes from. Is actually…(Michael giggles) He used to say, when he used to mock his people commenting. He would say, “Oh, that’s fake and gay.” And so that became a big thing on YouTube, believe it or not.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: That’s Ray William Johnson’s.

Michael: Oh wow, okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Okay.

Maddox: Full circle.

Michael: And he wrote the Ghostbusters song too, didn’t he? That’s Ray William Parker…

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (giggles)

Michael: I don’t know. Fuck. (laughs)

Maddox: I, um…yeah. I came out of the gate swinging against Ray William Johnson. I said, “Ah, you know what? Fuck it! Not gonna work with this guy. I don’t give a shit.” And then I talked to an animation company, uh, a long time ago. And they said the same thing to me, too. They said, “We just don’t like his material. We don’t like his content.”

Michael: Right.

Maddox: And I’m like, “Oh, alright. We have something on common.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, we’re never gonna work together with that guy.

Michael: Well, see, I think…I don’t like him either. I watched his stuff and I keep saying I don’t get it, right? But I’m not gonna go comment on his shit to…

Maddox: No.

Michael: I’m not that kind of person. But I’m just saying that, like, we all know the difference nowadays when something’s fucking malicious and mean and shitty. I think.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: I think we all know why, like, remember, well you remember when Kramer went to the dark side? We remember when Kramer went too far ,right? And we all said, “That’s the line and you crossed it, and that’s probably bad.”

Dick: It wasn’t funny.

Michael: It wasn’t funny, right? And he…he wasn’t even trying to be funny, was he?

Dick: No.

Maddox: No. Kramer lost his cool.

Michael: He lost his cool. And but we all got…we all said to him, “That’s fucked up. That’s the line.” We all get it. Too many people don’t get the line and where it’s at and what’s…the politically correct stuff with it. I just feel like they’re so stupid…a lot of them are so stupid that they don’t understand what’s what anymore.

Maddox: Well, is that the job lynch mob, too? Would you guys say?

Michael: It’s true.

Maddox: ‘Cause I think that he lost his job legitimately.

Michael: They all fall in there.

Dick: Wait, who?

Maddox: Kramer. Kramer? I mean, he got a lot of flak for that. I think rightly so.

Dick: What do you mean, he lost his job? What do you mean?

Maddox: He…he…

Michael: (interjects) Was he working at that point?

Maddox: Yeah, he was talking to some people to do some pilots and they didn’t want to hire him anymore.

Michael: Ohhhh. Yeah, sure.

Maddox: Um, I mean, that’s not really…(stammers) how do you differentiate between…

Dick: (interjects) I think you’re…I think you’re extremely focused on the “losing the job” part and not the “mob” part.

Maddox: But, the mob…

Dick: (interjects) Like, nobody’s challenging anybody to keep Kramer hired. No one. I’m not.

Michael: Right.

Dick: Michael, I don’t think you are.

Michael: No.

Dick: It’s…it’s the mob. It’s like, do you…it’s challenging the mob to say, “Your impulses are evil.” The impulse that you’re following is something that’s base and horrible and something that we need to weed out of the human race.

Maddox: Okay. I understand what you’re saying, and I understand, but I…I think that the mob we’re talking about should be a different type of mob. And the mob we should be talking about is the mob that caused this problem to begin with, alright? The only reason the N-word is a problem and racism is a problem is because of another mob called the Ku Klux Klan. And other mobs of people who are hateful. And, uh…intolerant. And they act out in violence towards marginalized groups. Those are the mobs that cause these words to be so offensive in the first place! If these mobs didn’t exist in the first place, go ahead! Say the N-word. Be as racist as you want. As long as no one’s actually acting on it. As long as people aren’t actually CAUSING crime and causing hurt against another group of people, FINE. I’m…I’m all for that. But that’s the mob we need to be worrying about.

Dick: Ahhhh, that kinda sounds like grandstanding to me. Like, we don’t need to be worried about the Ku Klux Klan.

Maddox: Dick, you keep saying that, but…

Dick: (interjects) They don’t even exist anymore.

Maddox: No, they TOTALLY exist. They got an uptake because of Trump.

Michael: Yeah, they’re still around.

Maddox: Specifically because of Trump! They use Trump in their flyers!! In Oklahoma…

Dick: Trump is causing the Ku Klux Klan…?!

Maddox: Yeah! They mention it. They said that we should support Trump.

Dick: Aye, aye, aye.

Michael: He’s not causing it. He’s not causing it.

Maddox: No.

Michael: But there’s an uptake. Yeah, absolutely.

Maddox: There’s an uptake in voting. In registrations.

Dick: But racism is, like, engrained in people. We reject…inherently, people that look different.

Michael: Anything different.

Dick: ‘Cause it’s a safety mechanism that’s been in our DNA for millions of years. You don’t…you implicitly don’t trust things that are different from you. Like, the more that I see in common with someone, the more I think that it’s…our relationships’ gonna be beneficial to both of us, ‘cause it’s true. It was true for millions of years. It’s NOT been true for, you know, arguable, for the last 2000, but that’s a lot of DNA you’re gonna have to make up for. Like…

Michael: True, but that’s where all the stupid people reside.

Dick: Right.

Michael: I think the people that haven’t figured that out yet. The people that are still afraid of something different. So whether it’s race or it’s a guy putting a baby in a stroller in Disneyland, we still have stupid people out there that don’t get it.

Maddox: Well, what pisses me off…

Dick: (interjects) Absolutely.

Maddox: …about the comedy thing, and, like, people not getting jokes. Is that I will try some material sometimes, I’ll say some jokes that I know are funny.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: And the only way you know a joke is funny or not is you try it in front of a couple of people, and if they laugh, they laugh. It’s funny. That’s it.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: That’s…there’s no other test. It’s just very simple. You try…so it’s tested material that I KNOW gets laughs.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: And I say it to a certain group of people, and they do NOT have that instinct. They do not get sarcasm. They do not get satire. They do NOT know that I’m making a joke. And it completely goes over their head.

Michael: Right.

Maddox: I think less of people like that. (Michael laughs) I think that they are not…they are not self-aware. They are not REALLY actively listening.

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: People who are actively listening…’cause you have to basically do this little mental arithmetic. Every time you hear someone make a statement, you just think about, “Is their statement absurd?”

Michael: Yes. Is it sarcastic?

Maddox: Is…is it sarcastic? Right? If it’s absurd, do I think the person saying it is absurd?

Michael: Right.

Maddox: If you think that the person saying it is NOT absurd, but what they’re saying IS absurd, chances are it’s a joke.

Michael: Right. Right.

Maddox: If you happen to think that they are absurd and they’re ALSO saying something absurd, then…

Michael: The crazy person.

Maddox: …maybe YOU’RE the absurd one, because you’re keeping company with absurd people.

Michael: (giggles) Right. It’s true!

Maddox: Anyway. (Michael laughs)

Dick: What’s the fix? How do we fix this problem?

Michael: Oh, God.

Dick: Eugenics, right? (Sean laughs) We just gotta start IQ testing and chopping off balls, basically.

Michael: Absolutely, yeah.

Dick: Like, we show everybody an episode of the Three Stooges. You don’t laugh? Sterilization!!!

Michael: Yeah, absolutely. I agree with that, actually. I think…

Maddox: Maybe they just…yeah.

Michael: There should be a heavier test for having kids than there is for fucking driving, or anything else. Although there should be heavier tests for driving, I think.

Maddox: Sure.

Michael: There should be heavier testing across the board.

Maddox: I’m fine with both of those. Absolutely. (Dick laughs)

Michael: I was a teacher, mind you.

Dick: What kind of teacher?

Michael: And all…I was just a substitute teacher.

Dick: The best kind.

Michael: In elementary schools.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: I should not have been doing that. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: No.

Michael: Like, all I had to do was take a VERY basic-ass test and I learned at that moment. I’m like, “Fuck, I’m doing this right now?”

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: And these kids…there was a moment where I took the meanest shit in one of the kids’ bathrooms ever, and I thought, “No teacher would ever be doing this.” It was one of the most…worst stories of my life, by the way. This shit story. But…

Dick: (interjects) What is it?!

Michael: Okay, alright.

Dick: You gotta tell it now.

Michael: Yeah, I gotta give it to you. Okay. So I’m teaching. Elementary. And, uh…I show up…I don’t know what I ate before…the night before, but man, it all hit me at 7 AM, when I’m pulling into the parking lot, right?

Dick: Oh, man.

Michael: And I’m driving…you’re not gonna be able to see this at home, but I’m driving like this. Like, I’m holding the steering wheel, ass…

Dick: (interjects) Driving like a Lo Rider.

Michael: Yeah. Like…but I can’t…

Dick: (hums) Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh…

Maddox: Your butt’s not touching the seat.

Michael: It felt like the Alien was coming out of my…gonna burst through my asshole.

Maddox: Yeah. So you were not just turtle heading…you were tortoise heading.

Michael: I would…I don’t know if anything was coming out, I was holding SO tight…

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: You’re trying to stretch out your colon.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I know that…(inaudible as they all talk over each other)

Michael: Like, it came out…yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Michael: Because when it was gonna come out, it wasn’t gonna be any kind of…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Solid.

Michael: Solid shape, yeah.

Maddox: No.

Michael: This was gonna fucking explode. (background laughter) So I get in there, I’m sweating bullets. And I’m …all I have to do is I just gotta get to a bathroom. I’m gonna be a little late, but it’s fine. I get in there, EVERY fucking bathroom in this school on this campus was locked. And I finally…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, my God.

Michael: Rounding hallways. I get into the…the teacher’s lounge. Guy in there. Newspaper on the floor. You can hear him crumpling the other one. He’s in there for the day. And I’m like. “Fuck, I’m not even gonna talk to this guy.” I run out. All I see is an open door and sinks. And I beeline right in there. I get in there. I get in the st…it’s all stalls. I get in, close the door. And I just…like, as soon as my pants pass my ass, it’s shit time, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Mhmm.

Michael: Now. While I’m doing this, I realize…as I sit up, I realize the stall door…if I sit up, my head is now…you can just see me. (Maddox and Dick laugh) Right? And…um…and then…and then a lot of stuff starts happening. (Dick cackles) Not only can you see me if I sit up, all the fucking tile was pink.


Michael: So now I’m in the girls’ restroom, destroying this fucking toilet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: And so…and, of course…as soon as I realize this, you hear the feet. You hear little girl…

Dick: Oh, my GOD!

Maddox: Oh, nooooo.

Michael: So I’m now…like, I dropped down, ‘cause you can’t see my head. I got my hands on the wall.

Maddox: What a creep. (laughs)

Dick: That’s exactly what Curt Schilling was talking about!

Michael: Right?! I could have..I thought I was done. I’m like, “How do I explain…” I’ll tell you the thought process that’s going through my head. The feet come in. You hear ‘em creep up right to my door. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: ‘Cause they think it’s empty. ‘Cause you’re hiding.

Michael: They…well…(stammers) I don’t know what they’re thinking, they just…I’m trying not to make sounds, but you just…I’m just shitting, and, like, the smell…it was so fucking bad. (Dick laughs) You see these little feet, and so I’m seeing…I see their feet, they can see my feet. Now I’m picking up my feet, I’m bouncing on my ass in this fucking tiny stall. And they’re just standing there. And…and…um, and I know they smelt a man shit for the first time ever, ‘cause it was so bad that you can hear them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Then they start giggling.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Michael: And like…and then they run out. (Dick laughs) And I’m sweating, and I’m sitting there, and I’m…it felt like eternity.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: And all I’m thinking is…”Okay, fuck, they saw my shoes.” Right? Because I saw their shoes. We had that exchange.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: I lifted ‘em, but they saw my shoes. They’re laughing that I lifted my shoes. (Dick laughs) So…

Maddox: Of course.

Michael: So now I’m like, “I gotta get the fuck out of here.” But I was thinking, “I can’t flush this shit.” Because how am I gonna explain myself? Why was I in there, hiding, sweating, making grunt noises?

Dick: Ugh.

Michael: If that shit is not…that’s the proof that I needed to go.

Maddox: Oohhhhhhh, yeah, yeah.

Sean: You need the evidence.

Michael: Yeah, you need the evidence.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: WOW!

Michael: And then I had to…

Dick: (interjects) You’re a smart guy!!

Michael: Hey, thanks man.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: I mean, I…

Dick: (interjects)   You’re really thinkin’ ahead!!

Michael: I was…everything was running…I was like, “I’m gonna lose..” There was so much trouble coming to me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: If I didn’t save that shit. So I called…

Maddox: You need the shit alibi.

Dick: Wow.

Michael: You need the shit alibi.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Michael: And I had to call my girlfriend at the time and tell her, “Hey, you gotta bring me some different shoes.”

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Because I don’t wanna be on the recess playground…(Dick guffaws)

Dick: It was another guy!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It was another guy’s shoes!!! (they laugh) There’s a mystery shitter with the fucking Nikes…(Sean cracks up) “I got Adidas. I don’t know what you’re talking about!!” (laughing)

Maddox: Smart.

Dick: Officer.

Michael: I was gonna be down to…(Dick cracks up) trading my shoes to someone else. Like, someone who had shittier shoes. I’m like, “Hey, I’m gonna give you these awesome shoes. I’ll give you these shoes.” (laughing)

Dick: You should have put..left your shoes in the bathroom. Put new shoes. Left your pants in there. New shoes and pants so when they finally did open it, it’s just, like, “Well, it’s a ghost wearing pants that shit in this girls’ bathroom!!” (Michael cracks up)

Michael: So yeah, that happened. Which means there should be harder testing for teaching.

Maddox: Sure!

Michael: I’m just gonna say that right now.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. I’ll tell you what. I…(Michael giggles) I also applied to be a substitute teacher, and they…I got accepted. I never ended up doing it, but I got…ME…the person who wrote “I am Better than Your Kids”. Who constantly shits on kids!! Who’s written tons of screeds about kids. They let me through. Yeah, sure, go for it, okay.

Michael: They don’t care. They don’t care.

Maddox: Come on in!

Michael: Take anyone.

Maddox: Yeah. Substitute teachers? Yeah. (Michael laughs) Anyway…maybe…look, man. Maybe the cure is for all these unfunny people…

Dick: (interjects) Well, you needed a better night’s sleep. That’s probably the problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Today’s show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting and using promo code BIGGEST. Michael, have you heard of Casper?

Michael: Uh…the friendly ghost.

Dick: It’s a mattress. It’s not a ghost!

Michael: Oh, okay.

Dick: It’s not a ghost. You can’t sleep on a ghost, can you?

Michael: It was that friendly ghost that took a big, massive shit in the girls’ bathroom…(Michael and Maddox laughs)

Dick: Well, this is a friendly mattress.

Michael: Oh, okay. That sounds great. I love mattresses.

Dick: A mattress can cost you well over $1,500.

Michael: Easily.

Dick: But a Casper mattress costs $500 for a twin size mattress, $600 for a twin XL, $850 for a queen, and $950 for a king.

Michael: Holy shit.

Dick: It’s a great mattress. It’s comfortable as shit. It says here in the…you agree with that, right?

Maddox: The…the copy says that, right?

Dick: Yes. I don’t have time to go back for it. This is a limited time on this ad.

Maddox: We’re just skimming. And by the way, you use the promo code, and it’s not $950 for a king, what, it’s $900!

Dick: Well, yes, it’s $50 off!! That’s true.

Maddox: $900 for a king mattress? Are you kidding me?

Michael: Oh, you should have…yeah. You should have thrown those figures out first.

Dick: (scoffs) I fucked up…

Michael: $50 off!

Maddox: I got a Casper mattress. It is the most comfortable night of rest I’ve ever had. Yeah.

Dick: Buying a Casper mattress is completely risk-free. Casper offers free delivery and free returns with a 100-night home trial. Go to and use promo code BIGGEST to save 50 bucks.

Michael: You know how I know you have good night rests?

Maddox: How’s that?

Michael: Because when I…I don’t usually text people very early. I texted you very early.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: You texted right away…

Maddox: Right!

Michael: Which meant you were up and ready to go!

Maddox: Up and ready to go.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: When I wake up, I’m up. I don’t sit there slumbering around. You know. Mosey out of bed.

Michael: You get a great night’s sleep.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what else you do when you wake up? This episode is also brought to by HARRY’S.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Go to and use promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEMS” to save $5 off your first purchase. First thing I like to do now, when I wake up? Give it the ol’ shave. The ol’ hot shave, right?

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: I never used to like to do that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But the Harry’s razor has trained me to want to do it, ‘cause I like the close, comfortable shave of doing it. I feel like a man. I feel like a man. That’s what I’m saying.

Michael: You look like a man.

Dick: Thank you. Thank you very much, I appreciate that. The QUALITY of the Harry’s blades is what makes them unique. They own their own factory. Does anybody in here own a factory?

Michael: Mmm…

Maddox: Sean? I would think Sean has one, if anyone.

Dick: Do you own a factory of any kind? Any kind of factory at all?

Maddox: Any kind at all, Sean?

Dick: Sean, you own a fucktory. Get outta here. (Maddox laughs) German engineered…(Maddox and Michael laugh) five-blade cartridges. Close, comfortable shave. Quality is guaranteed. A FULL REFUND if you’re not happy! Factory direct prices! You cut out the middle man. We all hate the middle man. Let’s find him and hang him! Ships right to your door. They sell their blades at half the price of the leading brand. Okay.

Maddox: High-quality, German-engineered blades. They own the factory. It’s fantastic. Guys, it really helps us out. And remember, it’s…

Dick: (interjects) It’s changed all around now. It’s (says it at the same time as Maddox) promo code BIGGESTPROBLEMS.

Maddox: Promo code BIGGESTPROBLEMS. Add the ‘s’. It’s biggestproblems now. Make sure to get that right. Thank you for supporting us, guys. Thank you to Harry’s again. That’s Alright, what do you got, Dick?

Dick: My problem. My problem. (long pause) Michael and I discussed this problem in advance.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause we wanna coin this problem. Right?

Maddox: Okay.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: It’s never been described. Everyone knows what it is. We all hate it, but there’s no TERM for it.

Michael: True.

Dick: Yet. So we came up with something that we’re presenting as a problem today. I call it…we call it the Texting Batter’s Box.

Maddox: Mmkay.

Dick: Okay? Very…very simple analogy. What do we hate…what do we hate about texting when we’re talking to a possible romantic partner?

Maddox: Dick pics.

Dick: Ohhhhhhh, oh god. (they laugh)

Sean: Well, you can take the rest of the afternoon off.

Maddox: Yeah. (they laugh)

Dick: Okay. It used to be…where you get up…we all wanna score, right? We’ve got third base, pretty good. Third base pretty good.

Maddox: Pretty good. Yeah.

Dick: Second base…eh, you did alright.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Sure!

Dick: You still take it. First base…ehhhhh. You know, whatever. But at least I’m in play.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: At least I’m in play.

Michael: True.

Dick: Next ball could be a home run!

Michael: Absolutely.

Dick: But…you gotta be up to bat, and that’s what approaching a woman in real life is. You do your stupid pickup line, or whatever. That’s you at the plate! Now you’re in…you’re playing the game! Texting…texting…has added a step. I’ve said this before on the show, too. Texting has added a step BEFORE home plate where you are in the batter’s box.

Michael: Absolutely.

Dick: Taking cuts. You’re in the batter’s box warming up. You’re taking cuts. You’re putting your all into every swing! You’re pretending you’re at the plate, but what are you swinging at? Nothing. When you’re in the batter’s box…when you’re in the texting batter’s box, you’re getting noooooothing out of it!

Michael: Absolutely.

Dick: You’re just texting into nowhere. There’s no possibility of you getting to first base when you’re in the fucking batter’s box. And that’s what texting has introduced to relationships. A texting batter’s box. Now the reason I brought it in, Michael. I hope you can add to this problem.

Michael: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Dick: Because you host a show.

Michael: I do.

Dick: Can you tell us about the show?

Michael: Yeah. So I host a show called “What to Text?” Which Maddox has been on.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Twice.

Maddox: Twice now.

Michael: Uh, we got another episode coming up soon.

Maddox: Mhmm. And I was on the first episode with Mikey Boltz.

Michael: That’s right.

Maddox: Your…your baby buddy.

Michael: My man-baby buddy.

Maddox: You snuck into Disneyland. Yeah.

Dick: Great.

Michael: That’s right.

Maddox: Really funny dude.

Michael: Yeah. Check that…that’s a great episode, actually.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Uhhh, that was the Fast and Furious episode.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: So what we do on the show is we do…we…we..(stammers) look at real text threads from daters and we watch all the fucking pitfalls and all the work that goes into getting to…on the plate. On the map.

Dick: Getting up to bat!

Michael: Up to bat.

Dick: Yeah!

Michael: Absolutely. And it’s a LOT of work.

Dick: ‘Cause that’s when the game changes.

Michael: Absolutely.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: And see, now, girls…and we do this too, by the way. This is on both sides. They get everything they need out of text messages. They get how witty you are. They get how…your grammar. If you’re smart or not. They get so much out of you that they don’t even have to waste their time seeing you in person if you fuck up in the batter’s box. Right? I mean…

Maddox: You know…

Dick: (interjects) Well, you know, that’s…I think that there’s…there’s two sides to that coin.

Michael: Okay.

Dick: Because I don’t necessarily know that you DO get all the information you need.

Michael: I think people THINK they do.

Dick: They think they do.

Michael: Yeah. So I agree with you on that. Absolutely.

Maddox: Well, here’s the thing. I am looking from a critical eye. When I’m texting with a girl, I’m the one making those calls. I’m the one…(stammers) you know, there’s…there have been girls who I have not gone out on dates with just because of the way they text.

Michael: Sure!

Dick: Why? What was wrong with the way they texted?

Maddox: Too many emojis.

Michael: I was gonna say, yeah.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhh, why!?

Michael: Emojis can fuck things up!

Maddox: No. NO! Too many emojis. First of all, there’s something going on with you. Maybe you’re lying about your age. Maybe you don’t understand English. Maybe you don’t know how to communicate. (Dick and Michael crack up) Right? I don’t know what it is you’re trying to communicate to me with FUCKING PICTURES. Don’t send me a fucking pictograph. This isn’t hieroglyphs, shithead!! We have a language. It’s…it’s very clear. It’s very concise. You can say whatever you want, clearly. And be able to communicate. ‘Cause here’s the thing. When I’m gonna go out with a girl, I’m not gonna go out with a dud.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: I’ve not gone out with girls before on second dates for..some of the most petty, superficial reasons. Uh…which, I don’t know…I can…

Sean: I find that hard to believe.

Dick: Yeah. (they laugh)

Michael: Whaaaaaat?

Maddox: I once…I dunno. Maybe I shouldn’t say this. But I once went out…I went out with a date one time on this…I went out on a date one time with this girl. Just SUPER hot. We totally clicked. We were into the same things. And honestly, I had a really great date with her, but I couldn’t…

Dick: Kay. (scoffs)

Michael: Where is this going?

Dick: She had a dick?

Michael: What did she do?!

Dick: That was the problem.

Maddox: No. No. Uh…I couldn’t go out with her on a second date because she was Spanish and I didn’t know this about people from Spain, but they have…they pronounce c’s like ‘th’.

Michael: Yes.

Maddox: So it was things like…”Valenthia. Valenthia oranges.”

(they all talk over each other)

Michael: You know that all started because the king at the time had a lisp, you know that, right?

Maddox: I didn’t know that.

Michael: Yeah, that’s…

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: And everyone in the country had to speak with a lisp at that time.

Maddox: Well, thith got a little annoying after a while, Michael.

Michael: It’s already annoying. (laughs)

Dick: You don’t like to pretend like you’re fucking Sylvester the cat? That’s a problem for you? (Michael laughs)

Maddox: No. I couldn’t…I couldn’t go out…

Michael: (interjects) Did you ask her to say “suffering succotash”? (they laugh)

Maddox: I couldn’t bring myself…like, I was trying to steer the conversation to a place where she wouldn’t have to say…

Dick: S’s?

Maddox: Yeah, anything with s’s. And I was like, “What am I doing? I can’t do this. I’m not going out on a second date. I’m sorry, hottie!”

Michael: Wow. Okay.

Maddox: But…thanks but no thanks.

Dick: Oh, no. That’s on you.

Michael: You could’ve had sex with her first…

Maddox: Nah, I couldn’t do it.

Michael: I mean, I don’t know.

Maddox: No…

Dick: (interjects) Just stop listening!! What are you doing all this listening for on a date?

Maddox: I’m just not into it. I’m not into it.

Dick: It’s such a waste of time.

Sean: Well even if he had sex, he wouldn’t want to hear her scream “Yeth!” “Yeth!” (they all giggle)

Dick: There’s…there’s no concern about that.

Maddox: Don’t thtop!!

Michael: He would actually give her terrible sex just to not hear it. (Maddox laughs) (Michael laughs)

Maddox: That’s impossible, buddy.

Michael: Okay, I’m sorry.

Maddox: That’s impos…(laughing)

Michael: You’re right. You’re right. I don’t even know how you would do that.

Maddox: It’s always a 10! (they laugh)

Michael: Yeah, that’s tough. I don’t know. But you do get a lot out of text, though. I mean, I see what you’re saying, though. People think they get a lot more than they do, but…

Dick: (interjects) That’s what I think.

Michael: But, I mean, you know. To be honest with you, I don’t like bad spelling and…and your, you’re, and yours. I..

Maddox: Right!

Michael: I don’t like when that’s happening on text, so I just…I kinda judge people.

Dick: I only use “ur”. What do I got time for all these letters?

Michael: You abbreviate that?

Dick: Yeah. Fuck “you’re”.

Michael: Sure.

Dick: Fuck “your”. UR. I got…I’m a busy guy. I got shit to do. (Michael laughs) You figure it out!!

Maddox: Yeah, I don’t…

Dick: (interjects) Everybody knows what it is, ‘cause they always jump down your throat to correct you. It’s just like, “Why the fuck does it need to be a different word, then?”

Michael: Sure.

Dick: If you know what it is. Anyway.

Michael: Well, this show is really about that. It’s breaking down how these text threads go. And..and what signs you should be looking for. And we talked a little bit about this on an episode we just shot. We had a kid. A young guy. And this…this is to help gu…it’s kind of skewing towards guys to help them learn how to text. We had a young guy on there, and this was the same day we shot…(stammers)

Dick: (interjects) Guys are bad at communicating.

Michael: They are.

Dick: Guys are worse than women at communicating.

Michael: I think so.

Dick: ‘Cause we don’t.

Michael: I think that’s a good…

Dick: (interjects) We don’t do it.

Michael: We don’t.

Dick: We sit around together and we grunt and we…what?

Maddox: Speak for yourself. (giggles) I’m a writer and I’m great at communicating, I think.

Michael: I’m a good texter.

Dick: You want me to play the drop? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Don’t need to! I’ll just say it. (laughs)

Michael: Let’s do it. Let’s do it!!

Dick: I don’t…I don’t know if you could ever recreate exactly how…condescending that was.

Maddox: It’s a ringtone. GOOD!

Dick: This is…this is what Maddox thinks of himself.

(Clip: Maddox: “You know, I’m a writer…I’m…(scoffs)” (clip repeats))

Maddox: It’s a ringtone!

Michael: That’s awesome.

“You know, I’m a writer…I’m…(scoffs)”

Maddox: Isn’t that a great ringtone?

Michael: That’s awesome!! Yes.

“You know, I’m a writer…I’m…(scoffs)”)

Maddox: That’s my ringtone. (Michael laughs)

Dick: So you see how differently that sounds in person than it would come across in a text?

Michael: True. That’s true.

Dick: Very subtle, but important, I would say. (grins)

Michael: That’s true. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: I think a girl wants to hear that, not, “I’m a writer.” Period.

Michael: That’s true. That’s true. Well, we…so…we had this kid who came on, and as I’m reading the texts to prepare for the show, I’m realizing there’s something going on. This is very strange. It…it was because this…we had a girl that was texting him at 2 in the morning, very sexually aggressive. Like…”I want you to come over right now and teach me some magic spells.” And shit.

Dick: Whoa, what’s that?

Michael: I don’t even know where that came from, ‘cause I asked the kid, “Are you a magician?”

Sean: (interjects) That’s called Harry Pottering.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: Oh.

Michael: Harry Pottering? Exactly. Actually, we led to that, which was hilarious…

Sean: (interjects) I’m not serious, Maddox.

Maddox: Oh.

Michael: Um, so, all of a sudden as we’re going through it, I’m just, like, “God, there’s so many signs here.” We gotta…we do a theme of the show. And so we did an M. Night Shymalan theme ‘cause of the movie Signs and I’m like, “Okay.” As we’re writing the show, I need a twist. We need some twist here. So we’re getting through it and we…the girl is super aggressive the whole time. Now, the guy was at work. Until about 4 in the morning. Works at some bar. So we were kinda asking him, “Are you not..” he was very apprehensive in the texting, but we thought, “Oh, he’s busy at work, he’s not gonna text this girl.” But if a girl’s texting you to have sex with her, every guy’s just gonna be, like, “Yes.” “Okay, yes. Coming.”

Dick: Oh, yeah. Sure.

Michael: What? Yes. Where do I need to be? Number? Yeah. So constantly, this girl. And, but she had…she was hiding something the whole time. She’s like, “I delete my apps.” They met on that Happen app? Have you heard of Happen?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: Okay, so they met on that. Which is a stalkery app to begin with.

Maddox: It’s basically an app…a dating app where it matches you with people in your proximity.

Michael: Yes. So if you cross paths in a coffee shop, they will pinpoint you and go, “I wanna meet that person.”

Maddox: Right.

Michael: Right?

Maddox: It’s kinda stalker-ish.

Michael: It’s kinda stalker-ish.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: It’s like…so this kid met her on this. Anyway, as it continues on and on, we’re kinda like, “Oh, something’s up here. This is weird.” Girls don’t do this.

Maddox: No.

Michael: And…so we…she drops the number. And we put the phone number…her phone number into the reverse Facebook lookup.

Dick: Mhmm.

Michael: And it turns out, this girl Lisa was actually a Vietnamese boy named Henry from San Diego.

Maddox: Oh!

Michael: Uh, he’s in high school. (Dick laughs, groans) And I drop this live on this episode. This episode airs May 16th. It’s called “What to Text?”

Dick: Yeah.

Michael: You will watch pure panic on this poor kid’s face.

Dick: Oh, that’s great.

Michael: We have a panel of textperts, comedians.

Dick: Right.

Michael: In fact, if you ever want to come on, it’s a blast.

Dick: Yeah, I would love to.

Michael: You would love it. Uh, Maddox has been on a couple times.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: And, so yeah. We…this poor kid looked at me when it was all said and done. It’s a jokey, comedy show, but…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, man.

Michael: This poor kid’s looking at me, and the dust settles, and he just looks at me, and he goes, “So are you serious?”   (Dick groans) And I was like, “Uh, yeah, dude. Yeah.” So, but here’s the scary part about that.

Dick: (interjects) That’s as big a loss as it gets!

Michael: Absolutely!

Dick: I thought I was getting laid, I thought some…I thought some woman WANTED to have sex with me!!!!

Michael: Mmmyeah.

Dick: Oh, my God! And now…absolutely nothing.

Michael: She wanted to wear his skin as a suit, for all we know.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: Or he.

Maddox: He.

Michael: Like, he dodged a bullet, really.

Maddox: Well, hold on…I mean…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, how funny would that be, though? If you were a teenager?

Maddox: Yeah. It’d be hilar…eh, I don’t know. There are better pranks. (Michael laughs)

Dick: Hilarious.

Maddox: There are better pranks. My prank when I was a kid…uh, I totally got busted doing this, though. I went through the phone book and…you know, back when we still had phone books, and I was going through funny last names, and I saw one that was “Booger”.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: And I thought, “Oh, I’m gonna prank some Boogers.” (giggles) And so I just called random Boogers and asked for a random name, and I called…(stammers) this guy answered…said “Hey, is Tom there?” And they go, “No, there’s no Tom here.” And I’m like, “Oh, sorry, I guess I picked the wrong Booger.” (they all laugh) And then my mom…and I was about to hang up, and my MOM picked up the phone.

Dick: Uh-oh.

Michael: No!

Maddox: Yeah, ‘cause this is land line time!

Michael: On another line.

Maddox: Yeah, another line. (Dick cackles) And then…(laughs) I’m like, “Mom, hang up.” “Mom, hang up.” (they all laugh)

Dick: The wrong thing to say!!!! Absolutely the wrong thing to say to a mom!!!!

Michael: Mom, hang up!!!

Maddox: And so…and so…

Dick: Don’t come in here!! Don’t come in here!! (they crack up) Well?!?!

Maddox: So I quickly…I quickly…I’m, like, hitting the receiver, like, trying to send the signal to hang up the phone, like, trying to make static. I’m hitting the dial tone. (Dick laughs) And then finally, I just hang up and I go hide. And then my mom talks to this guy.

Michael: NO!!

Maddox: This poor guy. Yeah, his name’s, like, Steve or something. (Dick groans) And he’s like, “Yeah, I actually get these prank calls a lot.” (they laugh) And I’m like, I don’t know how. There’s tons of Boogers in the phone book! And then…(giggles) And then he’s like, “Yeah, I get these phone calls all the time” And my mom’s like, “Well I’ll definitely be talking to my son. I’m so sorry about this. Really sorry to upset you. Really sorry to bother you.” I got in so much trouble.

Michael: You know, I’m surprised that’s that common.   That’s a clever one. Like, I wouldn’t have thought “I picked the wrong Booger.” That’s a good joke.

Maddox: Picked the wrong booger. Yeah. Thanks, man.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: And this guy gets it a LOT.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: I mean, I used to do the old, like, “Is your refrigerator running?” shit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: You know, but that’s…that’s clever.

Maddox: There were…yeah. Any kind of…any kind of weird last name, like, Clerks. You know, there’s always a clerk joke, or, uh…baker.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: “What do you got in the oven?” (dorky sound) (Michael laughs) You know, something a kid would say. (laughs)

Michael: Sure, sure, sure.

Maddox: Oh, Baker, huh? (laughing)

Michael: Did you guys ever get…did you ever get prank called?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No.

Michael: As an adult?

Maddox: I have, yeah.

Michael: And how do you…’cause you think, like, how did adults respond, like, really? When they get hung up on, like…

Dick: (interjects) Like Liam Neeson in Taken. (Michael laughs)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Listen, you motherfuckers.

Michael: (laughs) That would be the best way to respond.

Dick: Yeah. Well, that’s my problem. Like, I hate…I hate what it’s done…I hate what it’s done to dating.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: And you’re saying you have to actually…you have to basically teach these guys a skill that I think is fucking worthless.

Michael: Right?

Dick: Like, the ability to text a woman, to kind of trick her out on a date so she can meet the real you!

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: But that’s a skill that we need!

Michael: Or, god forbid, you meet someone in person. Nowadays.

Dick: Oh, god forbid. Then it’s on them. Then they’re terrified to text you.

Michael: Right.

Dick: Which is like…

Michael: Where you want to be.

Dick: Well…

Michael: Well, not really.

Dick: Or they just don’t text!

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: Like, TONS of women are just afraid to text back!!

Michael: Absolutely.

Maddox: Guys, what is this problem? Always be closing! I’m, like, to the phone number, like text 3! Boom!

Dick: Oh, my God.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Let’s get…what are you doing this afternoon?

Michael: No, he’s right.

Maddox: What are you doing right now? You don’t wanna get coffee? When? When? Never? Okay, fucking forget it! Lose my number. Later, hottie!

Dick: You’re…you’re great.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: You’re very sexually accomplished.

Michael: Well, he is a writer.

Dick: We get it. We’re talking about regular guy problems, here!

Maddox: (stammers) They can be a rare guy problem if everybody started doing this, guys! Get to the fucking point! And not just guys, chicks, too! Oh, my gosh. These texting streams? I’m with you! I get it! I’ve been there.

Michael: Yep.

Maddox: If it’s going someplace, then let it go there, and get on with your lives.

Michael: Sure.

Maddox: Move on with the date. Meet…shit or get off the pot, basically.

Michael: Right.   Absolutely. I agree with that.

Maddox: I think you can tell a lot about a person based on the way they text. And by the way, guys, um, that’s a preview on how they post on Facebook. If you don’t like what they’re texting you, guess what? Their Facebook status updates, probably gonna be the same shit.

Michael: Oh, you’re gonna hate it.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Oh, I don’t add anyone on Facebook for that reason.

Michael: Yeaaaaaah.

Dick: I don’t wanna know what they’re putting on Facebook.

Michael: Oh, yeah.

Dick: It can only be bad.

Maddox: That’s another date…

Michael: Oh, always..

Maddox: That’s another date I went on one time, wouldn’t go out with this girl. Um, she…I was sitting there, we were at a coffee…it was a decent date. We went to get coffee together after dinner and we’re sitting around chatting, and I told her how much I hate inspirational quotes on Facebook. And she goes, “Oh, uh, but I post those.” I thought…(stammers) I..before she even finished the sentence, I said, “Hidden. I would hide you.” And she goes…”What? Are you serious?” I’m like, “Yeah, absolutely. I would hide that shit. I can’t stand it.” She goes, “Oh, um, okay then.” And the date ended shortly after.

Michael: Yeah. Send her on her way with an inspirational quote? (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah. TRY HARDER. (they laugh) Post less.

Michael: I stopped dating a girl once ‘cause she farted in front of me.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: That’s good.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: I support that.

Michael: It was just too early on.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, too early?

Michael: And you know, but in her defense, it was an accident. She, like, jumped up…(giggles) It was like, (stammers) she jumped on the bed, or…it just sneaked. It popped out.

Maddox: I like farts!

Michael: You like farts.

Maddox: Yeah! When a girl…’cause that shows that they are comfortable around you.

Michael: Yeah. This one was an accident.

Dick: Or that they’re slovenly and they have no manners. (Michael laughs)

Maddox: Mmmm.

Dick: Either one of those.

Michael: It just…

Maddox: It depends on the girl.

Michael: But did it smell? Was there a smell attached? ‘Cause that’ll lend it.

Maddox: Oh, there was.

Michael: Well, I mean, I could…yeah.

Dick: It’s a fart. It goes out your butthole.

Maddox: Oh, that’s true. It does come out of your butthole. (Dick laughs)

Michael: Farting kills it for me a lot.

Maddox: I forgot about that.

Michael: I was with someone for eight years, and she farted around me twice, and it was always odd. It was always awkward.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Huh.

Michael: It was like, hinging. Like, I’ll leave the room. I’ll go somewhere…by the way. It’s equal. I’m not just farting on ‘em and then going, “If you fart, we’re done.”

Dick: Yeah, me too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: I’m not trying to have my cake and eat it too.

Dick: Classy gentleman over here.

Michael: Yeah, thank you.

Dick: On this side of the table.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: You with your Fartzerellas, over there.

Maddox: Not me, man! I’m a fucking fart cannon, I don’t give a shit. And…it starts out with, like, haha, oops! I farted. And I let one loose, right? To, like…you run from one room to the other as quickly as you can to plant your butt on their chest so you can let one rip!!

Michael: Yes.

Maddox: So they can feel the…(laughs)

Dick: Ugh, disgusting.

Michael: I know couples like this. I know couples like this!

Dick: Disgusting. Disgusting.

Michael: I know couples…do you do this?

Maddox: Oh, absolutely. That’s me, man.

Michael: See, I know couples like this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: And even my brother threw a curveball at me. He’s like, “Yeah, we do this…dutch ovens and shit!”

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Maddox dates like he’s dating a fraternity brother.

Dick: Yeah. (they laugh)

Maddox: Nothing wrong with that.

Michael: No.

Dick: That’s my problem.

Maddox: Alright, guys.

Dick: There you have it.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Thanks for coming by!! Let’s get a full clean plug outta you!   What do you…

Michael: Okay, sure!!

Dick: Let’s hear all the things you’re involved in, Michael.

Michael: Uh, okay. So on YouTube, I do…

Dick: Hacks of Life. Alright.

Michael: Uh, that’s my life hacking how-to show.

Maddox: We’ll link to it, sure.

Michael: Yeah. And then I also do What to Text, which Maddox will be on.

Dick: Is it all wacky bullshit like the man baby?

Michael: Yeah. I do…I’ve hacked Dodgers Stadium.

Dick: Ooooh.

Michael: I’ve hacked…

Maddox: (interjects) Gyms. You did a hotel pool.

Michael: Gyms. Yeah.

Maddox: Actually, and we did one together. We snuck into a nightclub in Hollywood.

Michael: Yes!

Maddox: Which was fantastic.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: I dressed up as a janitor. We got…what’s her name? Brittany Palmer from UFC?

Michael: Brittany Palmer.

Maddox: The UFC ringside girl was in it.

Michael: UFC ring girl. Yeah.

Dick: Oh, cool.

Maddox: Oh, man, and then I forget.

Michael: Gosh.

Maddox: Yeah, we had…

Michael: We had Ocean’s Eleven full-on hack.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: We hacked a nightclub and Maddox was part of the hack pack.

Dick: Oh, cool.

Michael: We have a hack pack.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: And from every vantage point, we hacked a night club, and Maddox dressed as a janitor, and inside his…he walked right in, by the way.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sure.

Michael: Walked right in the service entrance without batting an eye.

Maddox: I…I started walking bowlegged too, so they think I have an injury. They’re less likely to talk to you.

Dick: Embellishing.

Michael: And people…people thought you worked there, remember? (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Michael: Yeah, yeah. One woman questioned you a little bit.

Maddox: One woman didn’t, though. One woman didn’t. Backstage, behind the curtains…

Michael: Yes.

Maddox: When I took the janitor mop bucket back there. She said, “Hey, you work here?” I’m like “Yeah. Yeah, of course.” (they laugh) Trying to throw any kind of accent, like, (inaudible)

Michael: Yes!

Maddox: And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, I work here.” She goes, “Your…your suit’s too clean.” I’m like, “Um, I just started.” She goes, “You don’t work here.” I’m like, “Lady, don’t bust my balls.”

Michael: “Leave me the fuck alone.” (they laugh)

Maddox: CLEARLY I don’t…shut up! Shut up!!!

Dick: Classic Ocean’s Eleven….diversion tactics!! (they crack up) Executed flawlessly!!!

Michael: By the way, you added a limp to your character.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: Which, when you watch the episode, it’s very subtle.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Michael: But it’s so great. He added the limp to his janitor.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: And he walks right in, and by…so, we don’t just sneak into the club. We sneak bottle service. Our own bottle service.

Dick: Ooooooh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Into the club. So inside the janitor bucket…when Maddox removes the mop…

Dick: (interjects) Is full of liquor.

Michael: Is our giant 40-dollar bottle of Grey Goose.

Dick: Ohhhhh!

Maddox: Grey Geese.

Michael: Grey Geese, sorry.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Michael: We can never say the brand. (they laugh) Uh, ice…ice…bottle, shaker, everything inside his mop bucket, hidden.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, that’s cool.

Maddox: And it’s a brand new mop bucket, too.

Dick: What a fun show.

Maddox: So it’s clean. So, yeah.

Michael: Clean, yeah.

Maddox: It was super fun. We’ll link to it!!

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Thank…Michael, thanks for coming by!

Michael: Thank you so much.

Maddox: My problem this week was Voicemail!

(closing riff starts)

Maddox: I’m sure I’ll hear more about it in the voicemail.

Dick: I think everyone agrees with you. My problem is the Texting Batter’s Box.

Michael: And my problem is Humorless Stupid People.

Dick: It’s good. (giggles)

Maddox: Thanks for listening. Let’s hear more voicemail.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My favorite! (Michael laughs)

Dick: Here’s a guy who called in while he’s on LSD.

Michael: Ooooh.

Dick: To prove you wrong.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh! Okay.

Michael: Ooooh.

Dick: Or so he says. (giggles)

Maddox: Sure. “Well, actually, Maddox.”

(Voice mail, male voice: “Hello Maddox and the Dick.”

Dick: And the Dick.

“I finished the episode and saw your challenge, Maddox, to call in on LSD.”

Maddox: It wasn’t, really…

Dick: I didn’t think you challenged anyone either.

Maddox: No. I know.

“So I took approximately 350 mcg, which is a substantial dose.”

Maddox: Okay.

“Quite a bit more than average.”

Dick: Bragging.

Maddox: He sounds just fine.

Dick: Yeah, he sounds totally fine!! (laughing)

Michael: Yeah, he does, right?

“(inaudible) about my words, but I am completely functional.” (they laugh) “I am completely aware of what is going on around me, and uh…”

Michael: He’s shitting, by the way.

“I find myself thinking…”

Michael: Using your curtain.

“…going on these, like, tangents in my brain.”

Dick: Yeah. That’s acid.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Michael: Yeah.

“Taking apart everything I think about.”

Dick: Sounds like it.

“And every sentence.”

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This was to prove you wrong.

Maddox: He forgot he was on a phone call.

Dick: Yeah. (grins) That’s what it is.”

“But um…I’m not incapacitated in any way. (they giggle) Thought you’d find that somewhat interesting. (they giggle) So, there you go.”)

Dick: Did you find it interesting?

Maddox: Oh, yeah. Totally sounded unimpaired, uninhibited. I totally trust that guy behind the wheels. (Michael laughs)

Dick: Uh, here’s one from Weird Matthew McConaughey. I don’t think I’ve played one of his in a while.

Maddox: In a while, yeah.

Dick: He does this thing sometimes where he calls in and asks a question of the week.

Michael: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: And then we answer it, and then he calls in with the correct answer next time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay.

(Voice mail: Weird Matthew McConaughey: “Hey Madcocks. (they giggle) I got a question of the week for you again. Maybe even problem of the week. Here it goes. I think this goes back…to…dinosaur times. Even dinosaurs had problems with this. Here it goes. (giggling) Uh…when a woman’s mad…and…like, when a woman is mad…(they giggle) do you…”

Michael: He’s on LSD?

“You try to soothe her with your words…try to say something comforting, or…say nothing at all? When you know neither will work?” (Maddox laughs) “So basically (inaudible, too mumbly)

Dick: ‘Cause it didn’t make sense.

“What do you do….(laughs) when a woman is mad…what’s better? To say something soothing, or say nothing at all, when you know neither will work?”

Maddox: No, we got it!

Dick: We got it! (giggles)

Michael: Yeah, yeah.

Maddox: You just repeated yourself. (they laugh) No, we got it.

“I can’t wait to hear you fuck this up.”)

Maddox: Okay. (they all crack up) (they all talk over each other) He’s always got the right answer, allegedly! Like, he called in one time and asked us some ridiculous question, and then we answered, and then next week he calls in and goes, “Yeah. You guys pretend like you don’t know what your precum tastes like…” (they crack up)

Dick: Well, he was right! He was right about that!!! (they laugh) Everyone was acting like that!!

Maddox: I don’t know. I still don’t know. I’ll never find out!

Dick: I don’t believe you. We already went over this.

Michael: Oooh.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: So that’s the question. What do you do with a woman who’s upset? Do you…what did he say? Do you try to soothe her?

Maddox: Well, it’s a trick.

Dick: Do you try to soothe her with your words?

Maddox: Yeah, or do nothing at all.

Michael: Or nothing at all?

Maddox: ‘Cause you know that either one will have no effect. I mean, that’s a trick question.

Michael: Yeah.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Well, it’s a Weird Matthew McConaughey question.

Maddox: It’s not…yeah. It’s not very tricky.

Michael: I love Weird Matthew McConaughey. That’s great. (laughs)

Dick: He’s sounding more weird lately than McConaughey.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah.

Dick: But he started out very McConaughey.

Michael: McConaughey? Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Michael: Okay.

Maddox: I think…I think that I would soothe. Soothe with my words.

Dick: Soothe with your words.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: My words are like a massage for your…a sexual massage for your ears.

Dick: For your ears?

Maddox: Uh-huh. An erotic massage right in your ear holes.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Michael: Okay.

Dick: Michael, you wanna give this a shot? You won’t be here to celebrate if you get it right, but…

Michael: (laughs) You know what? I don’t…I think saying nothing at all is not smart.

Maddox: No.

Michael: I think that that becomes a passive aggressive game.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Michael: I think you should try to say some words.

Maddox: Don’t be passive aggressive. Communicate!

Dick: Soothe her?

Michael: Yeah. Soothe. Soothe.

Dick: Okay. Lemme give you guys a Dick tip. Everybody listening. You gotta get her dancing. That’s what you do when chicks are pissed off. Get ‘em up, get ‘em moving.

Maddox: Hmmmmm.

Michael: Okay.

Dick: That’s what they love.

Maddox: I’m gonna get my eyes scratched out if I ever try that. (laughs)

Dick: Well, you’re not…you gotta do a different…you don’t do your…(laughs)

Maddox: No, it’s not that…

(Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Shithead!!