Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 102

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock and Laurie Foster

Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s. Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Muammar Gaddafi to Spilled Coffee! (Sean and Dick chuckle) With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Dick!

Dick: Heyyy, what’s up, buddy? (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Welcome back!

Dick: Seeeeeean. Deleting with abandon today.

Maddox: Uh-huh. (chuckles)

Sean: You guys are startin’ right in on this shit, eh?

Maddox: This is…this is…

Dick: (interjects) Deleting security deposits….deleting Maddox’s coffee.

Maddox: Mhmm. Mhmm.

Dick: All over his carpet. (giggles)

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Yep.

Maddox:   I mean, the coffee’s still there, if I get a sponge.

Sean: Two deletions, one stone. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: (sighs) Alright, guys.

Sean: Sorry about the coffee…but it is funny.

Maddox: (sighs) Yeah, Sean…

Dick: (interjects) Don’t apologize. It makes you look weak. (they all laugh) Fuck his coffee!

Maddox: Sean…

Dick: (interjects) And fuck his carpet! (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Sean goes to get water and he goes, “Do you want anything?” and I’m thinking to myself, “Yeah, I would like a large iced Americano, that’d be really nice.” (Dick cackles)

Sean: Mhmm.

Maddox: That’d be really good. (grins) Yeah. But guys, moving on.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe…from LAST WEEK!! (Dick still giggling) was the War on Drugs!!

Dick: Oh, that’s good.

Maddox: Hey!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: There you go. You get a (Sound effect: ‘Ding!’) and a clap for that, Dick.

Dick: I did…the audience should get that. Please give us 1000 dings and claps.

Maddox: No, it’s a good problem. And then Ducking Autocorrect, and then the Gollum Effect.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Um, all came in…I would say the Gollum Effect should come above Ducking Autocorrect. I think it was a little bit too high-concept for people. They didn’t quite understand it.

Dick: I mean, the Lord of the Rings is too high-concept for people, too.

Maddox: That’s true.

Dick: You know.

Maddox: That’s true.

Dick: YOU fucked up!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You should have dumbed it down.

Maddox: Yeah. I should have just made it about Lord of the Rings.

Dick: Yeah, you should have. (giggles)

Maddox: And our dipshit, idiot, slow-breathing, dullard fans would’ve eaten that up, just like Guardians of the Galaxy, that garbage movie.

Dick: Well.

Maddox: People still talk to me about that. They think that I’m a huge fan of the movie.

Dick: Of Guardians of the Galaxy!?

Maddox: Yeah. People have not listened.

Dick: You’re NOT?!

Maddox: (they all giggle) Get outta here.

Dick: I thought you brought that in satirically!

Maddox: No. I got a comment…

Dick: (interjects) The votes think it was satire. (giggles)

Maddox: Do they?

Dick: Yeah. That’s why it went down so hard.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: What was your comment?

Maddox: We need a satire tag. I got a comment from Marco Murdzja. Yeah. There’s not enough vowels in this name. There’s way too many consonants. But he says, “I’ve dropped acid in college at least twice a week. I’m fine.” (Dick laughs) “It was a shit-ton of fun.” Oh, I guess, there you go, Marco! I guess Marco’s fine, everyone!!! I guess there’s no problem.

Dick: Awww.

Maddox: And then someone commented. Ed Word says, “But you’re going to have flashbacks for the rest of your life and holes in your brain. Just ask Maddox!” (Dick giggles) “The man who has never done a drug in his life, but he read an article, so he knows what’s up!”

Dick: I don’t even think you’ve read an article about drugs, though.

Maddox: I’ve…

Dick: (interjects) I think all your drug knowledge comes from, like, DARE, from like the five…from, like, the 30-second bumper at the end of a GI Joe cartoon….

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: When Sargeant Slaughter comes out and goes, “Acid’ll put holes in your brain, kids. The more you know!” That’s what it sounded like to me.

Maddox: I mean, ‘cause that’s exactly what it is! I got all my knowledge about drugs from cartoons from the eighties, dickheads!!! I know one thing for sure. Drugs are for turkeys!!! (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. (grins) We got a LOT of…there was a lot of voice mail on LSD.

Maddox: Oh, I’m sure. OH, let’s hear these rambling dullards…

Dick: WELL….

Maddox: …prattle on. (goofy voice) Uh, Maddox….

Dick: Yeah, okay. I’ll just start into it.

Maddox: Look. Before you get into it…before you g…

Dick: (interjects) No, let these guys talk!! You’re gonna have an hour to…

Maddox: (interjects) No, ‘cause I know what they’re gonna say!

Dick: Well, then let them say it!!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Don’t…don’t…don’t kill the punchline.

(Voice mail: male voice: “Maddox, you FUCKING idiot.”

Maddox: Oooooookay. (Dick giggles)

“Where do you get your information on drugs, and I’ve heard of fucking Dragnet from the seventies…”

Maddox: I told you, cartoons!! (laughs)

“LSD, particularly one hit of LSD…”

Dick: Yeah.

“Will NEVER, EVER fucking cause flashbacks!”

(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)

“Maybe if you’re fucking eating…”

Dick: Never.

Maddox: That’s not true.

“…I don’t know, fucking sheets of it at a time!! But no. One-time use of LSD will not cause fucking flashbacks.”

Maddox: Oh, okay. (goofy voice)

“Jesus Fucking Christ. And I love how you’re saying all of this misinformation on Bicycle Day, 04/19, the day that LSD was first synthesized by Dr. Albert Hofmann.”

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Ohh.

“In-fucking-credible. Do just a SECOND of research.”

Maddox: I knew it!!

Dick: Pissed right on his grave.

“Outside of whatever the fuck…(inaudible)”

Dick: I don’t think that’s the only grave you’ll be pissing on.

Sean: No, he’s…he’s…(inaudible)

Maddox: Yeah.

“Fucking simpleton!”

Maddox: Okay.

“Dick, go fuck yourself.”)

Dick: You wanna hear another one? (grins)

Maddox: No, no, no.

Dick: (inaudible while they all talk over each other)

Sean: Wait, I’m not gonna believe that guy any more than I believe you, or less.

Maddox: Yeah, exactly.

Sean: It’s like, look.

Maddox: Why?

Sean: Unless he comes with some published, peer-reviewed studies…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Then, like, he could be going to, you know,

Dick: Oh, oh, okay, okay, okay. Well, maybe this guy will convince you then, Sean.

Sean: Great.

(Voice mail: male voice: Man……Maddox, when you talk about drugs, it’s like listening to a creationist talk about evolution. It’s just fucking painful.”

Dick: What do you think of that?

Sean: I like that analogy. (giggles)

“What the fuck? Ayahuasca…”

Maddox: Well, actually…

“…is not an opiate.”

Dick: That’s what he’s got you on.

Maddox: Oh. Well, actually.

“Acid does not put holes in your brain, and like, having an acid flashback…it sounds like you think having an acid flashback is…”

Maddox: Ehhhhhh.

“…just like you instantly think you’re on FIRE and you hop out a window…” (Dick giggles)

“…out of a 30-story building and splatter all over the fucking ground.”

Maddox: Yeah.

“And that’s not the case, man.”

Dick: You don’t think that. Or do you?

Maddox: (scoffs) WE DON’T KNOW! (they giggle) Apparently I could be thinking any crazy thing about drugs! (Dick cracks up)

“If you tried acid and weren’t a gigantic vagina, and just gave it, like, one little go, just like one little tab of acid..”

Maddox: Yeah.

“…you would know what the fuck you were talking about.”

Maddox: Yeah. ACTUALLY…

“But, uh…(laughs)…”)

Maddox: MADDOX.

Dick: Alright, you paused for too long.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah. I was expecting.

Dick: I mean, it’s full of…

Maddox: (interjects) I know, I know.

Dick: You wanna hear the first 5 seconds of a couple in a row?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I don’t wanna listen to the whole thing.

Maddox: Let’s hear it, yeah. Fuck you, Maddox.

(Voice mail: male voice: Holy fuck, Maddox. (they guffaw) If you don’t know anything about a subject…”

Maddox: I know.

“…just abstain. Like…if you’re gonna try to argue about how drugs hurt you…LSD, is that what you’re gonna go with? LSD.”

Dick: This guy, he’s got a point.

“You got heroin, you got cocaine, you got meth…”

Maddox: No.

Dick: He’s got a point there, don’t you think?

“And you went with possibly the most harmless drug…”

Maddox: No. Okay, okay, yeah. I got it!

Dick: Alright, alright, alright.

Maddox: This is more than 5 seconds!

Dick: Go ahead. Go ahead.

Maddox: Uh…

Sean: You did pick LSD over cocaine…

Dick: (interjects) You did pick the weakest one.

Sean: …meth…heroin.

Maddox: Uh, look, man. The point that I was trying to make…and you could replace whatever drug that you want to make this point true, because it’s still true, regardless if I misspoke about the drug.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: The point is that some drugs are very dangerous and bad for you.

Dick: Like alcohol!

Maddox: Is that disputed? Like meth.

Dick: Well, alcohol…

Maddox: (interjects) I’m talking about illegal drugs.

Dick: Like…like the…

Maddox: Like meth.

Dick: Paxil.

Maddox: Like heroin.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Right? The like, heavy, hard drugs. They’re bad for you.

Sean: Yeah. They’re not good for you.

Maddox: They’re not good for you.

Sean: There are very few OLD addicts.

Maddox: Right. Right. That’s the point.

Dick: They’re harmful.

Maddox: Now, uh…to the point about LSD chewing holes in your brain…or whatever. I looked into it, and it sounds like it may be an urban legend.

Dick: Definitely.

Maddox: There are…there are pictures on the internet of brains with holes chewed in them, but they may be due to other complications of things. The people who were doing drugs…

Sean: (interjects) They coulda had…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait, wait. Can I ask…by hole, do you mean a physical hole?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Like a brain that has, like, a swiss cheese.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like in Quantum Leap…there’s a physical void in the brain.

Maddox: They are missing a certain type of matter in that brain. You can see it on a CAT scan. Like on an MRI scan.

Dick: Oh, CAT scan. Okay, that’s what I thought.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause those CAT scan tests are to show you the sections of the brain that don’t have blood in them when you’re high.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, if you’re thinking logically, different parts of your…like, if you’re responding to religious iconography, different parts of your brain light up. If you’re responding to, like, logical arguments, different parts of your brain light up.

Maddox: Yeah, it wasn’t that. It wasn’t that.

Dick: If you’re looking at, like, a baby…

Maddox: (interjects) I believe…then maybe it was an MRI. ‘Cause it was an old black and white photo, you could see clear, dark areas where there was no matter in the brain. Uh…

Dick: Ehhh, okay. (skeptical)

Maddox: But, but…I looked into it, and it turns out, I think…that the people who had that affliction, or whatever, may have been combining lots of different drugs. May have been an anomaly. May have been a lot of different things. As for the point about the LSD…

Dick: They were playing a lot of laser tag.

Maddox: Uh, yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Laser beams shot holes in their brain. That’s what I heard.

Maddox: Ugh.

Sean: That does complicate it, because a lot of people…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: …use, you know, multiple drugs recreationally.

Maddox: Right.

Sean: So it’s…they also, you know, for a long time, they were trying to study the cancer effects of smoking pot.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Sean: With carcinogens.

Maddox: Right.

Sean: But a lot of them smoked cigarettes, too, so it skews the potential results.

Maddox: So…so….

Dick: (interjects) But your point is that drugs are bad.

Maddox: So onto the point…yeah, well…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Some drugs are definitely bad.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: And they’re not…we don’t know the full impacts of them. We don’t know how to test for them, that sort of thing…people…if it’s in their systems. Um, but to the point of LSD, you can have flashbacks, even by using it once, but it is…

Dick: (interjects) Ugh, man.

Maddox: It is…it is…

Dick: (interjects) I think you’re repeating a myth!

Maddox: I linked to the source on the website. So check the source.

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: It is exceedingly rare that that can happen, but there are people who’ve died from LSD. There have been complications due to synthetic LSD. Uh…there are people who’ve gone into comas because of LSDs. Uh, these aren’t…and again, these aren’t common, but it has happened. It’s documented. I linked to it.

Dick: Okay. I’m…I’m not gonna…disagree with any of that for the sake of time. ‘Cause I brought in this interesting graph that I want you to look at. Um…

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Someone…I forget where it was. I think someone in the comments…’cause I said nothing’s more dangerous than alcohol. Like, that was my overall point..was there’s a big war on drugs, but alcohol’s legal, and it’s the worst one.

Sean: Alcohol and cigarettes are terrible.

Dick: Absolutely terrible.

Sean: Yeah, they’re the worst.

Dick: They’re both legal, ‘cause everyone loves them, and everyone understands them. Like, you understand what alcohol and cigarettes do to you, BUT people don’t understand what the other drugs do, ‘cause they don’t do them, right? ‘Cause they don’t want to do them.

Maddox: No, but alcohol also has a use outside of just recreationally getting fucked up.

Dick: Getting chicks fucked up. Is that what you’re talking about? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: That’s what I was talking about.

Dick: Cleaning shit?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, okay.

Maddox: No, cooking, cleaning, antibacterial properties of alcohol. Lots of reas…lots of legitimate uses for alcohol.

Dick: What about tobacco?

Maddox: I don’t know of any.

Dick: Probably not.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Unl…can you sterilize shit by blowing…a menthol on it? I don’t think you can do that.

Maddox: I don’t think so.

Dick: Right, okay. Okay. Anyway, someone has done a study.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: About they’re harmful. ‘Cause everyone flipped. They’re like, “Well, crack’s way worse than alcohol.”

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You don’t know what you’re talking about. Here’s a graph. I’m gonna post it. I don’t know the background of this study. Just, you know, you take a study, you look at it. You don’t agree with it. Whatever, get rid of it. (Maddox scoffs) These are all the drugs linked by their harmfulness with the user and the people around them. Alcohol TOWERS over the other ones.

Sean: I believe that.

Maddox: Yeah, I mean, I…(stammers)

Sean: Because they tend to use it over a longer period of time, like crack can take you down quick.

Dick: Quick!

Sean: Meth can take you down really quick.

Dick: Yep!!

Maddox: Yeah, it does…

Dick: (interjects) I thought the graph was interesting and statistical. In my argument about rights and whatever, I probably overlooked this very interesting graph that SHOWS alcohol is WAY more harmful than the other drugs.

Sean: It makes…

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, it doesn’t have a source here, though. What’s the source of this?

Dick: Oh, I chopped that out of the report. It’s a big report.

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: I didn’t wanna bring in the PDF and scroll through it. It’s very interesting, though.

Maddox: Well, so…so number one…according to harm it causes to users and harm it causes to others…

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Alcohol causes the most harm to others, believe it or not. About two thirds of the harm it causes is to others as opposed to the user. And I think it is the only drug on this list like that. The next closest is heroin, but, uh..heroin causes about…almost 50/50 harm to users and harm to others, and way off the charts is methamphetamine, which causes the most harm to users and hardly any harm to others.

Dick: Nothing to anybody else.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh…and then mushrooms. Mushrooms causes all harm to users, (giggles) but it’s really low on the scale. It’s like 6.

Dick: Very low.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It’s with LSD at the very end, ‘cause they don’t kill people.

Maddox: Yeah man, I’ve tried mushrooms. But, you know, to the point of, like, people saying, “Hey Maddox, you’ve never done drugs, so you can’t comment.” (goofy voice) It’s like…

Dick: It’s true.

Maddox: Guys, I’ve never had…I’ve never had a broken arm, but I can comment on broken arms. I’ve never had a…

Dick: (interjects) Well, wait, what do you mean?

Sean: There’s…look. There’s certain things you have to experience, I think, to talk about them.

Maddox: (interjects) No…

Sean: You know, it…(Dick cracks up) there are. No, certain things. But not…that’s probably not one of them. If there’s enough studies…peer-reviewed, repeatable, all that kind of stuff.

Maddox: Sure.

Sean: You can…you can (inaudible)

Dick: (interjects) What about spilling coffees? (Maddox laughs) Do you think you have to do that in order to comment on it?

Sean: Um, it…

Dick: (interjects) ‘Cause I haven’t done that. I have no idea what it’s like to spill someone’s coffee.

Sean: It HELPS. It helps, because you don’t understand the INNER turmoil that causes, unless you’ve actually done it.

Dick: Oh, man. (grins)

Sean: Now, that would cause inner turmoil, except it was to MADDOX, so I really feel good about myself.

Dick: No, you don’t.

Maddox: Fuck you, Sean!

Dick: You feel like a dick.

Maddox: Mmhmm. Yeah.

Dick: You’re a dick. (Sean chuckles)

Maddox: What a big ol’ dickhead.

Dick: Anyway.

Maddox: Um, I got a comment here from Leo Lombardozi. Now, I wanna say two things here. Um..I wanna comment…I’ll mention his comment here.

Dick: He gets interrupted before his comment! Let’s…let’s hear it.

Maddox: Yeah. I wanna comment about what he said here, and I also want to comment on the whole drug war problem, ‘cause I thought it was fascinating, I did more research after the episode.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: But Leo says, “Black people are statistically less likely to do drugs and are more likely to be arrested for doing drugs.” And then he says, “Arrested for DOING drugs, or arrested for DEALING drugs.” Now that’s a point I feel like…

Dick: (interjects) Probably both.

Maddox: Uh, yeah, both. Of course.

Dick: Yeah, of course.

Maddox: Of course both. But it turns out that white people are still arrested more. They make up more…a higher percentage of dealers than black people.

Dick: Oh, sure!

Sean: Well, by straight numbers, of course.

Dick: Yeah, by straight numbers. Yeah.

Maddox: But here’s the percentages.

Sean: Not percentages, maybe.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Oh, I mean “or” percentages.

Maddox: Well, here’s the percentages. White is 48%. Black is 45%.

Dick: That’s what I thought it would be.

Maddox: So it’s still by 5%. But blacks, for representing only 15% of the population, that is overrepresented in the percentage of drug dealers. And again, the reason there could be that they are incarcerated at 10 times higher rate than whites. Um, but then on to the point about the war on drugs, Dick. I think that we kind of glossed over this without doing real justice to this, but…the drug epidemic…the war on drugs really…it was kicked off with Nixon and went into high gear with Reagan.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Reagan passed the Drug Abuse Act, right? And this Drug Abuse Act, I had no idea was so nefarious, because what it did is it created a penalty for having crack cocaine, as opposed to what’s the other…the more pure form?

Dick: Cocaine.

Maddox: Cocaine.

Dick: No, it’s not more pure, it’s just in a different form. It’s a powder.

Maddox: Powder. Okay.

Dick: Crack is solid. Cocaine is powder.

Maddox: Right. And who’s more likely to do crack?

Dick: Well…I mean, I know…you can make this a race thing, like obv…black people have…

Maddox: (interjects) It’s not just race.

Dick: …crack more.

Maddox: Yeah, it’s true. But it’s also…crack is more affordable.

Sean: I dunno. That sounds racist.

Dick: (giggles) Yeah. It could…it could be. I mean, go ahead. Go ahead.

Maddox: I mean, that’s what the Nixon aide essentially said the war on drugs was evidence for.

Dick: It’s racially motivated.

Maddox: Absolutely.

Dick: Sure, yeah.

Maddox: And that could be in addition to that, because crack is…a lower income drug, and then cocaine is the higher-income version of that. And the penalty for cocaine is much smaller. For 500 grams of cocaine, the penalty is the same for even having, I think, 5 grams of crack.

Dick: Look. I…get rid of all the penalties is my motto. You know this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um, I agree with what you’re saying might be true. But it’s also a hell of a lot easier to sell crack than it is cocaine. Like…you know. I don’t wanna make it a whole racist thing, ‘cause I dunno if that’s true.

Maddox: Wait, why is that?

Dick: ‘Cause it’s solid.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Like, you want a rock? Here you go. What am I, gonna carry a bag of flour home?

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: Buying enough cocaine? That’s not as easy.

Maddox: What, are you kidding me? I saw…I found…

Dick: It’s very easy to separate crack.

Maddox: I found a dimebag of cocaine in my neighborhood. No joke.

Dick: How did you know?

Maddox: Uh, I didn’t know. I was with a friend who pointed it out.

Dick: ‘Cause I carry my flour around in dimebags all the time.

Maddox: Oh, do you?

Dick: Just to trick cops.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So they’ll look stupid.

Maddox: Oh. (laughing)

Dick: When I get arrested and they’ll test it. “I know this…motherfucker, it’s flour.”

Maddox: Alright, let’s go, Masterson!

Dick: What were you gonna say?

Maddox: Outta that slammer! Put your pants back on! Alright.

Dick: Can we move onto something else, please?

Maddox: Let’s move on.

Dick: Uh, a lot of people took offense to some inaccuracies you had last week regarding Pokemon. Uh, here.

Maddox: What did…(cracks up) These fucking nerds!!

Dick: Here, here, here.

(Voice mail: male voice: “Hey Maddox, I’m just calling to let you know that Geodude evolves into Graveller…”

Maddox: I know, idiot!

“And Graveller evolves into Golem. AFTER you train it with somebody else.”

Maddox: No shit, you fucking moron! It’s the final form, shithead!! (goofy voice) “Uhhhh, Maddox.”

“Or if you don’t like the Internet, you have, like, you know, the DS version.”

Dick: Uh-huh.

“The point is, is that you’re a tremendous fucking Poke casual…(inaudible as they all crack up) or…yeah.”)

Maddox: A Poke casual?! (laughing)

Dick: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Sean: He’s mad because you missed the intermediary?!

Maddox: Yeah!! (laughing)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I skipped…I skipped a step because it’s a fucking podcast, shithead! It’s a radio program where not everyone knows what the fuck Pokemon is!! It’s a throwaway joke that was a sentence, you fucking nerds! You ruin everything!

Dick: You gotta show your work, man. Common Core jokes on this show. (grins) (Maddox laughs) You gotta show how you got there.

Maddox: Alright, Dick, anything else?

Dick: Graveller. Leaving Graveller out. No, no, no, no, no.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Alright. Let’s move on, guys. I…this is the problem I brought in…

Dick:   Did I mention that my man took offense to your LSD thing, too?

Maddox: Oh, I’m sure.

Dick: That, like, 10 minutes after the episode launched, I get a text from my man saying, “What the fuck?!” He’s sending me all this info on LSD.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I haven’t heard from this guy in forever. (laughing)

Maddox: You know…you know…

Sean: (interjects) You haven’t mentioned your man in, like, 40 episodes!

Dick: No, no. I don’t wanna say it, I’m just saying that he, boom! That’s what he cares about.

Sean: But the argument that “it hasn’t happened to me” is idiotic.

Dick: What do you mean?

Sean: Like, “Hey, I’ve taken acid and, like, nothing’s ever happened to me!”

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: That’s a stupid argument.

Maddox: Of course. Yeah. It’s a gambler’s fallacy.

Dick: Wellllll, I dunno.

Maddox: (stammers) I drove down the street without a seatbelt, I didn’t get in a wreck!

Dick: Okay. (scoffs)

Maddox: Good job, shithead! You lucked out, I guess. But…uh…

Dick: (interjects) Fuck! I had an erotic story, but we spent so much time talking about LSD. I’ll play it next week.

Maddox: We’re still pretty early. You wanna do it?

Dick: Ah, no, no, no. Go ahead.

Maddox: Look, guys. Um, you know those obnoxious dudes who…all throughout high school, I had these friends who were huge stoners, and they’d always pull you aside, like, you know, tell you the real…the real talk about…about, you know. They’re stoner proselytizers. They’re stoner preachers.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: They’re marijuana preachers and they’re always telling you, “Hey man, actually, it’s not true. You know, the Reefer Man in this documentary is a big propaganda piece”, and blablabla.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Horseshit.

Maddox: And here’s the thing. I get it. I believe you. Just, I don’t…just go away. I don’t care. I just don’t care.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And because I shit on so many drugs and so many different groups, now I’m hearing from all of them.

Dick: Yeah. That’s what you deserve. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Great.

Dick: That’s what you get, man.

Maddox: This is the Hell I’ve created.

Dick: I mean, they…what else do they have to do all day? (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Nothing, apparently.

Dick: No, nothing. (grins)

Maddox: Except calling this fucking podcast and leave comments. Shitty comments. Guys, this was the problem I brought in last week. We didn’t have time for it, but…my problem…my biggest problem in the universe this week is Helicopter Parents!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Sean: Mmmm.

Maddox: Yeah!!! Helicopter Parents!!

Dick: I wish you had that coffee back, so I could spit all of it out of my mouth right now.

Maddox: (scoffs, laughs)

Dick: You’re bringing in…you’re criticizing parents?

Maddox: Yeah, why not?

Dick: ‘Cause one of your problems was people with no kids criticizing parents!

Maddox: No. No time…No Child Parenting Advice. That was the problem.

Dick: Yeah!! Let’s hear it!!

Maddox: I’m not giving parenting advice!! (Sean giggles)

Dick: Okay. (grins)

Maddox: These are other parents who’ve given parenting advice. Look, let’s define the terms here. First of all, helicopter parent was first used in Dr. Haim Ginott’s 1969 book, Parents and Teen…Teenagers…by Teens Who Said Their Parents…man, this sentence is really…

Dick: (interjects) The title’s a mouthful!

Maddox: I know, it’s…(laughs)

Dick: Wow!!

Maddox: Anyway, it’s basically parents who hover around them like helicopters. The term became popular enough to become a dictionary entry in 2011.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They’re basically parents who hover around you all the time. Now, what could possibly be the harm in that?

Sean: Well, the kid never experiences anything for themselves. They’re, like, kept safe.

Dick: Yeah. Everything…

Maddox: Sean. (Sound effect: ‘Ding!’) Fucking right on the nose. That’s exactly what it is. Uh, “reason parents become helicopter parents, is because a lot of times, they’re just afraid. They have fear of dire consequences.” These are the reasons according to

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, they have fear of dire consequences, low grades, not making the team. Not getting a job their parents want their children to get. I mean, think about that. Your parents are basically projecting their fears onto you. They want YOU to be exactly what they expect you to be, and that’s why they hover around you and micromanage everything in your life.

Dick: Okay, so lemme just…lemme just drop this in on you. I don’t wanna hijack your problem, but I feel like you need some…you need some kind of emotional connection here. Like that’s not…that’s not the whole story. Projecting your fears onto the kids?

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: It’s…you got…you’ve got these little ba…I have two nephews now. The one…the little one just started walking around. So now he’s a terrorist.

Maddox: Wait, you got a new one?

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Oh, hey.

Dick: No he’s a year old.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: I’m a year ago.   (Maddox laughs) Yeah. Don’t…

Maddox: Well, hey…

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick: Don’t worry about it. This…(Maddox laughs)

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Dick: This…I don’t expect those kinds of things, here.

Maddox: I didn’t get a fucking card!

Dick: No. (scoffs) So…uh, now that he’s walking around, he’s joining his older brother in being a little terrorist. It’s…I…(stammers) there’s a lot more to it than projecting fears onto them, I think. (they talk over teach other)

Maddox: But why...why...

Dick: Is what I'm trying to...

Maddox: Well, yeah. I... (stammers) 

Dick: ...trying to get at.

Sean: (interjects) Well, they're not doing it in-...they're not doing it intentionally. 

Maddox: I'm not done with this list.

Dick: Go ahead, yeah. Go...go ahead. Go ahead.

Maddox: There are other reasons people become helicopter parents. Feelings of anxiety, worries about the economy, job market, relationship prospects; these are projected onto the child. And these aren't my words. This is from Overcompensation: adults who felt unloved or neglected as a child start to overcompensate with their own children. And it sometimes creeps into adulthood; helicopter parents think that because they pay the bills, they're entitled to know what's going on at all times with their adult children as well. And, you know, goes on. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's an example from Psychology Today. But what do you say about that, Dick? Those are the three main reasons that lists that, uh, parents become helicopter parents. 

Dick: I think that's a weird way of looking at it. Like, I guess it makes me wonder, what is a helicopter parent? Like, it...that...those are all bad things, you could say? Right?

Maddox: Well, they're people who are way too overinvolved, overprotective, know, over-nosy in their children's lives. 

Sean: And they also make the child -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I guess it's hard's hard to say where to stop, though. Like, do you have any experience with kids?

Maddox: Do I...?

Dick: To that degree? Like, at any age?

Maddox: What do you mean? Have I had...I've never had a kid, so no. 

Dick: Do you...but are you around them at all? Ever?

Maddox: I've been around kids, yeah.

Dick: Like, know, kids that that care about. 

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Kids that are important to you. 

Maddox: Yeah. There has been...there have been kids that I've cared about.

Dick: Okay. I w-...

Sean: (interjects) I think there's been kids that you've tolerated.

Maddox: Yeah. That too.

Dick: Yeah, I think so too. (stammers) I don't wanna say that this isn't a problem.

Maddox: Uh-oh. (slyly) 

Dick: What do you mean, "uh-oh"?

Maddox: I feel...I feel like you're about to tell me something that's going to make me think you're a helicopter parent. 

Dick: Oh, no! I can just easily understand how, like, um...the frog boils slowly. Right? Like, have to watch over them so carefully that, like, letting them go in stages, like know, imagine, like, a target. Like you're shooting an arrow at a target. Or a taser, in your case, at a target. The bullseye is,, um...that's where you start with them. You're hovering over them all the time, but as they grow up, like, g-...making the target bigger, giving them more room to go fuck up on their own?

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: I imagine it's very difficult. Like, it's very difficult for me as an UNCLE to do that. Like, when I see the kids fuckin' around and doing something maybe a little dangerous, or kinda being assholes? I'm like, "Man, every instinct in me is wanting to get up to correct this behavior, but you gotta just let them..." First of all, I'm not their parents, so it's none of my business. But it's...that's not true all the time. But also, it's very difficult to let them go out and fuck up on their own. Now, I'm sure you're talking about extreme cases on this article, but I don't know. That's just my opinion on it. 

Maddox: Well...

Dick: Having been around kids.

Maddox: I've been around kids, but I think that...fundamentally, I believe in the philosophy that I was raised with, which is let them fuck up and hurt themselves sometimes. 

Sean: Look how well HE turned out. 

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah...

Maddox: Fuckin' great. 

Dick: I...that's VERY simplistic, to say "let them fuck up and hu-..." So, like, lemme give you an example. You've got, let's say, a small child, and they're playing with their cousins or their friends, and you notice that your kid's being a little too aggressive and not sharing. 

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? Like, deciding when you intervene on that is not answered by your "let them hurt themselves" principle. 

Maddox: No, but that's not an example of where helicopter parenting would even come into play.

Dick: Oh, but it is! Because you could get in there every time you perceive them being selfish, or maybe shoving too much could swoop in there and grab 'em and reprimand 'em. Like, you can control everything that they do, but is...I'm...I don't think that's good. I think that's what you're bringing in, that's not good. But there's know, it's a gray area. 

Maddox: Well, here's -

Dick: (interjects) Like so many things.

Maddox: Here's what it says, according to Psychology Today. It said that, uh, "Costs are so great..." Because this is, again, talking about parents who feel like they own their children because they pay the bills. "Costs are so great that schooling is an investment..." Their adult children, rather. 

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: "...schooling is an investment, as if some magical amount of money trips a switch in their brain that says it's okay for them to rob their kids of any degree of self-sufficiency. The researchers find, the inappropriate, anxiety-driven parenting tactics not only compromise the child's autonomy, mastery, and personal growth, they often reflect a critical attitude by parents, who praise their children when they do well but withdraw affection, subtly or overtly, when they don't bring home that A. It's known in the psych biz as 'parental conditional regard.'" So if you don't fulfill their expectations they have for you, they will withdraw their affection from you. 

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: That's incredibly psychologically damaging, and there's an article on It talks about how bad par-...helicopter parenting can be. It says here that, uh, award-winning journalist and author David Kushner wrote a book about it. He says, "Kushner's own theory is that things started to change after what he called a 'perfect storm for fostering this fear.'" Like, where helicopter parenting came from. Because it wasn't a phenomenon until the, uh, the mid to late '80s, and it's been a problem ever since. It says, "First, 6-year-old Etan Patz disappeared in 1979 while walking to school in New York City's Soho district. 'I think because it was such a mystery and because it was so captivating that it really penetrated the world of the media, which was in New York,' said Kushner. 'It became a drama and not to be crass, but it sold newspapers.'" So this story, I guess, from 1979 of a kid being kidnapped...I guess was the OJ Simpson story of the time. 

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: And all these parents started worrying about it, and...I mean, statistically speaking, if your kid gets lost and runs into a stranger on the street, they're probably gonna be okay. The crime rate across the board is something like 0.3 per capita, 0.4 per capita? It's ridiculously low. It's a -

Sean: (interjects) And most kids are abducted by someone they know. I believe.

Maddox: You''re -

Dick: (interjects) That doesn't make the fear less, Sean. 

Sean: No, it doesn't, but...

Dick: (guffaws) That doesn't help.

Sean: ...same thing with the media, like you're talkin' about. Every parent out there thinks that there's a fair likelihood that their kid may get abducted if they're playing in the front yard. 

Maddox: Yeah, and I'm with...I've shared the philosophy of, uh, I think Louis CK said this, but your kid's...just not that attractive. Like, I'm... (chuckles) Your...

Dick: Yeah. (hesitant)

Maddox: Most kids just aren't that attractive. They're not hot enough to molest. Your kid... (cracks up) Your kid... (giggles) Your kid is fuckin' ugly. But no,'s the thing. (Sean grimaces)

Dick: (interjects) I just...I REALLY disagree with the...where this conversation is going. (Maddox laughs) I really strongly disagree with it.

Maddox: You think they are hot enough? (giggles more) 

Dick: So, child...child, uh...children are in danger, in my opinion. 

Maddox: Get out.

Dick: Like, sooo...SO many kids are abused and molested.

Maddox: No, they're not.

Dick: SO many. 

Maddox: No they're's a minority.

Dick: Ohh, my god.

Maddox: It's a's a very, very small minority. 

Dick: Wha-...but again, you think a small minority is 2%! 

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That's an INCREDIBLE amount of abuse!! If that's true! I mean...

Maddox: That' definition, that's a minority.

Sean: Talk percenta-...nyeah, well...yeah. 

Dick: No shit, it's a minority, but it's not a scoffable minority!

Sean: No.

Dick: Like, it's not's a mathematical minority ONLY. It's not a MORAL minority.

Maddox: Well, no one's saying that.

Dick: That's an are by trivializing it.

Maddox: No, no, no. I'm not say-...look, I'm not...I think it's's...first of all, it's causing more damage than, uh, than good by fearmongering the statistic, that 2% or 1% or whatever. I'm just saying all across the board -

Dick: (interjects) We don't know! What is it?

Maddox: I'm saying all across the board, per capita -- per capita means the number of people per hundred thousand, right? So per capita, the likelihood of you experiencing a crime when you go out into the world, in the United States on average is, like, less than 1. So...

Dick: But you're saying experience a CRIME. 

Sean: Yeah, but if -

Dick: (interjects) You mean a...

Maddox: That means assault, that means rape, that means murder, that means...uh, burglary. Like, any kind of crime, it's less than 1.

Sean: So that -

Dick: (interjects) The am-...the chil-...the amount of reported crimes against children is so astronomically low. Like... (stammers) Go...go ahead.

Sean: Yeah, sure. Sure. Like, I don't care if it's like a million to one, if you're the "one."

Maddox: Guys, of course. Look, child molestation and child abuse is one of the most heinous crimes.

Dick: WAY higher than a million to one. 

Sean: Oh no, I kn-...

Dick: Way higher.

Sean: I know the odds are higher than that. 

Maddox: Well, look, it's one of the most heinous crimes.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: I don't think it's SO prevalent, that you have to worry about your child wandering into the street or goin' over to a neighbor's house. You know what?

Dick: (interjects) Oh, you should absolutely worry about that. 

Maddox: No. Absolutely not. 

Dick: I mean, I...I just have a hard time even taking that seriously from someone who has no kids, or kids that they've ever, like, had to protect! Like, what...your exp-...

Maddox: (interjects) YOU'VE never had any kids, and you've never had to protect any kids.

Dick: I'm constantly around my nephews.

Maddox: That's not your kid!

Dick: No shit, Maddox!

Sean: But you still have those kind of parental instincts. 

Dick: Of, you have...

Sean: Or you...

Dick: You wanna protect them!

Sean: Yes.

Dick: That's part of your tribe. It's very easy for children to get taken advantage of. Like, writing it off as this mathematical unlikelihood?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To me, is...okay, it's...parents are fearmongering? Whatever. But...WAY too many kids get abused, in my opinion. Hav-... (Maddox scoffs) Looking out for them is not helicopter parenting.

Maddox: Yes, it is. (Dick guffaws) Yes, it is. If you are constantly worried about your kid going over to a neighbor's house, and then know, coming home molested, like...look, it's just unlikely to occur. 

Sean: It can make, know, parents take it to the extreme.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: It can make that kid really fearful.

Maddox: And there we go, Sean! There's the rub, because -

Dick: (interjects) They should be. 

Maddox: Because here's what happens. Here are the consequences of helicopter parenting.

Sean: You ever heard the song "Mother" by Pink Floyd? It's basically...a helicopter parent.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Well, what are the consequences? 

Maddox: Here are the consequences, from It says your kids get a sense of entitlement. That right there, to me, is one of the worst fates of ANYONE. Having a fuckin' sense of entitlement.

Dick: Except getting molested.

Maddox: Well, yeah. ONE of the worst.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: "Children who have always had their social, academic, and athletic lives adjusted by their parents to best fit their needs can become accustomed to always having their way and thus they develop a sense of entitlement." They become entitled shitheads.

Sean: Yeah, they're like the center of the universe.

Maddox: Broken fucking people. Undeveloped life skills. More...more consequences of helicopter parenting. "Parents who always tie shoes, clear plates, pack lunches, launder clothes, and monitor school progress, even after their children are mentally and physically capable of doing the task, prevent their children from mastering these skills themselves." Decreased self-confidence and self-esteem. "The main problem with helicopter parenting is that it backfires," says Dr. Ann Dunnewold, a licensed psychologist. She says, "The underlying message that the parents' overinvolvement sends to kids is that 'my parent doesn't trust me to do this on my own,' and this leads to a lack of confidence." So they're insecure, they lack confidence, they have underdeveloped life skills, they have a sense of entitlement, and it goes on! They get underdeveloped coping skills. "If the parent is always there to clean up after the child's mess, or prevent the problem in the first place, how does the child ever learn to cope with loss, disappointment, or failure? Studies have found that helicopter parenting can make children feel less competent in dealing with the stresses of life on their own." And then it increases anxiety in the child. It...the list goes on and on! "A study from the University of Mary Washington has shown that overparenting is associated with higher levels of child anxiety and depression." I mean, you're fucking up the kid's life. Yeah, you know what? There's a one in a, uh...100,000 chance, maybe less than that. One half in a 100,000 chance, maybe 200,000 chance, that your child could get molested by wandering over to your neighbor's house. That's an awful fuckin' -

Dick: (interjects) What if it's 1 in 100? 

Maddox: That's a...that...well, what if it's 1 in 10?? (Dick guffaws) I mean, I don't know! You're just throwing out random numbers out there. 

Dick: So are you!

Maddox: It's 1 in 100,000. No, those are the odds!

Dick: The odds that your kid gets molested in 1 in 100,000?

Maddox: It's really rare. 

Dick: Is it 1 in 100,000, or is it really rare? 

Maddox: All crimes, across the board? I...look...

Dick: Ahhh.

Maddox: Pedophilia itself would be...would be in the millions, Dick.

Dick: Didn't we say it was 2% or 3% or somethin' like that? 

Maddox: No. I mean, I know you said that, but I don't know where you pulled that number from.

Dick: Oh no, I...well...I mean, that was just a guess. Catholic Church is somethin' like 6%.

Maddox: No, it's not. 

Dick: Okay! (exhales) Alright. So, what...what were you gonna say?

Maddox: Um...the point is that helicopter parenting, the consequences of it, are really dire. They're really extreme. When you stifle your kid's choice, his freedom...his or her freedom of expression, they become entitled, they become anxious, they get depressed, they become less self-reliant; they become basically broken human beings! Is that what you want? I mean, what's the alternative here? Yeah, you know what? Abuse against children is awful and heinous. It's one of the worst things that could ever happen, and we should absolutely prevent it. But not at the expense of ruining their lives. 

Dick: Nyeah. (hesitant) 

Sean: Look, but -

Dick: (interjects) What is helicopter parenting, then?

Sean: Well, like Dick said -

Dick: (interjects) Like, you went through a whole list of things that you shouldn't do. "Don't do their laundry." Don't do their laundry?? Is gonna make them not prepared for life? I doubt that. 

Maddox: (chuckles) Okay. 

Dick: I've met a lot of people who've had their laundry done that aren't all fucked up. Like, this "helicopter parenting" just seems like a buzzword to get people outraged about how entitled everyone i-...yeah, I get it. Everyone's entitled. I hate it too. They're all...they...everybody wants their safe space, everybody wants everything the way they do, and it's like a poison in America. But... (stammers) I don't know. I don't know that, we're in a culture where these kinds of articles and buzzwords, like "affluenza," have to be cranked out constantly by an outrage machine. I don't know that there's this helicopter parenting phenomenon that's ruining an entire generation. Seems like some people just are a little smothering with their kids. 

Sean: Yeah, I...

Maddox: Well, you're're playing semantic games. What were you gonna say, Sean?

Sean: No, I mean, I've seen what I would consider to be overparenting, where it's like, "God, know, you are REALLY hovering over that kid," but you have to define what really constitutes overparenting? 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well...

Sean: You know, it's such a wide...

Dick: It' could mean anything!

Sean: of gray.

Maddox: No, but I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. Helicopter parenting has another consequence. I mean, the list goes on and on. This is just from But I heard another -

Sean: (interjects) But how...what...where's the line drawn? 

Maddox: Well, I'll tell you -

Sean: (interjects) What becomes helicopter parenting?

Dick: Doing your laundry, apparently. 

Maddox: Well,, overdoing their, if you do their laundry sometimes, or until they're self-sufficient, but...

Sean: It's probably a combination of things.

Maddox: ...there are people who do laundry forever. Yeah.

Dick: So what's wrong with that??

Maddox: I told you what's wrong with that! It makes them s-...uh, entitled, it makes them not independent, it makes them not confident, it ruins their self-esteem, it underdevelops coping skills...

Dick: Laundry?!

Maddox: increases anxiety. All these things that you do for your kids? If you're just sittin' there wiping their asses, they'll never fuckin' learn on their own!

Dick: Yeah, I think you're alright doin' laundry for your kids. 

Maddox: (scoffs) Well, there you go!

Dick: I don't think any adult failed at not learning how to do laundry.

Maddox: Momma Masterson! Momma Masterson said it's okay to do laundry for your kids. No-time parenting advice, go vote it up. 

Dick: Eh, okay. 

Maddox: I mean, here... (stammers)

Dick: What's...what else?

Maddox: Like...look, I heard on this, uh, this other program, they were talkin' about helic-...this phenomenon of helicopter parenting. And by the way, this w-...this isn't even popular right now. This was really popular in the late '90s. This isn't something that's new. Um...they talked about this phenomenon where we have an OUTRAGEOUS amount of people who have anxiety when it comes to food, and we have weird allergies that never existed before. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And some scientists started lookin' at this and saying, "Well, where the fuck is this coming from? What has happened...what is the cultural shift that has happened, where suddenly...a decade or two ago, we weren't experiencing this tidal wave of people with allergies." 

Sean: I know why.

Maddox: Well, I wanna hear your theory, Sean. What?

Sean: It's because they're not allowed to develop immune systems when they're young. 

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Bingo. (applause sound effect) And it's specifically because of helicopter parenting. They are too afraid that their child might have allergies to shellfish or peanuts or whatever, so they'll abstain from it, because you're not supposed to eat honey when you're breastfeeding. You're not supposed to eat sh-...seafood when you're breastfeeding. You're not supposed to give your kids peanuts until a certain age, because God forbid they have some weird allergy or whatever. But what they found is that by not exposing your kids to these allergens, they are developing way more severe allergies.

Sean: They don't let 'em outside!

Maddox: They don't let 'em outside! They don't let 'em go out and play in the yard. You wanna see overparenting, Dick? Go drive down, uh...there's a neighborhood in Los Angeles where it's just a bunch's just a bunch of families who have these, um...trampolines set up.

Dick: Cool.

Maddox: And I have never seen anything more pathetic than these trampolines.

Sean: Mormons?!

Maddox: They... (cracks up) 

Sean: They have nets around 'em, don't they?

Maddox: They have nets around 'em, yeah.

Dick: Oh, that's the worst, man.

Maddox: Yeah. They have nets around them.

Dick: Aughhh.

Maddox: Not only do they have nets around them, Sean; the legs have padding on them.

Sean: Man, I fell off a trampoline into a fuckin' pine tree and I snapped the top third of the pine tree off when I was a kid. (Randy laughs) 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was complaining about the nets around trampolines recently with this girl, and she's like, "Well, why do you...why do you not like them?" I was like, "Oh man, when I was a kid we would...the parents would go inside and we would jump off of them, see how high we could jump, and fuck up our collarbones and our necks." 

Maddox: Right.

Dick: "It was awesome."

Maddox: Right!

Dick: Then I'm like, "Wait a minute. Uhh, there's noth-...there's no reason to be against those nets that isn't because of danger. Damn it." know. That's...then you know you lost. 

Sean: That's...that's true! That's true.

Maddox: Yeah, man, you're not letting kids experience life anymore. There's another teacher who...actually this administrator for a public...uh, private school, who came out with this article a while back who said that he had a strict rule on his playground, which is if kids get hurt, they can't come crying to the teachers. And he just let them duke it out, he let them figure it out, and he found that over time, the kids became more confident and more self-reliant. They started...they bullied each other less; they figured it out. They just were allowed to be KIDS, and go out there and fucking live their lives and scrape their knees every now and then. They didn't have fuckin' mama sittin' there with, uh, baby wipes every time they fell down and had a boo-boo. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: The world is full of hand sanitizer.

Maddox: Yeah, man!

Dick: It is. 

Maddox: Yeah, so anyway, they found that, uh, that...Sean, yeah, by not exposing these kids to these allergens, that we are getting way more severe allergies than we...that we've never seen before in our lives, and now studies have come out. They said that even people who have peanut allergies, even people who have allergies to shellfish and these things that people normally have allergies to, if you expose it to them little by little over time during their upbringing, they won't have A) as severe reactions or B) any reactions at all. 

Dick: Well, if that's not true, I'm sure we'll hear about it. 

Maddox: Oho, not from THESE druglords. (Dick and Sean laugh) Anyway Dick, what do you got?

Dick: I mean, I know you're big on honey and, like, it stops allergies. I don't know if we ever settled that debate.

Maddox: Well, I looked into that as well, and it turns out regular honey probably does not. 

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: That''s inconclusive. I've seen some stu-...

Dick: (interjects) You gotta go to Whole Foods. 

Maddox: No. I've seen some studies that say it does, I've seen some studies that say it doesn't. The one honey that people say is promising is this honey that comes from...the Netherlands or New Zealand, called Manuka honey?

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: I did look into that, and there is some...there are some studies that do back that up, as some kind of therapeutic effect. I don't know what it is. 

Dick: So, what...what age would you talk to your kids about sex, then?

Maddox: Oh boy, I don't know, man.

Dick: To not be a helicopter parent. Are you gonna give 'em unfettered access to the Internet?

Maddox: I think I may...look, I don't know much about kids and parenting, but I do know this. I look at parents who are successful in my life, and I look and see what they're doing with their kids, and I would try to emulate them. Um, one of -

Sean: (interjects) I look at the KIDS. 

Maddox: Well, yeah! Both.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: To figure out whether the parents did a good job or not.

Maddox: Well, that's what I mean, yeah. That's what I mean. I'll give you a perfect example. One of my brothers has GREAT kids. My g-...I mean, I was so impre-...I am so impressed nephews? They're fuckin' fantastic, man. They're sharp, they're polite, they're friendly, they're outgoing. You go up to them, you see 'em; they come up to you, they sh-...they look you in the eye and they shake your hand. They say "pleased to meet you." How 'bout that? How 'bout that? Real fuckin' human beings! 

Dick: Yeah. (exhales)

Maddox: They're fantastic kids. Whatever they're doing, whatever mojo they're doing works. They are disciplined, they are responsible, they're hardworking. You know, I look to see...I look to -

Dick: (interjects) How old are they?

Maddox: Uh, one I believe is, uh...I think 10 and 12 right now. 

Dick: M'kay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Probably gotta wait a couple decades to see how...the result is. Right?

Maddox: Well, I mean, you think your nephew's the bee's knees! How old's he?

Dick: Oh, this wasn't, like, a "my dog is better than your dog" thing.

Maddox: (chuckles) I mean, I don't know!

Dick: I'm just saying, you know, as an experiment. 

Maddox: Well, y-...just even...even comparing similarly aged adolescents...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: ...for behavior and discipline and responsibility, just lookin' at that? Already miles ahead.

Dick: So do they do his laundry? I would assume no.

Maddox: I don't know!

Dick: (chuckles) Okay.

Maddox: I don't know.

Sean: Do they knit their own clothes? 

Maddox: (scoffs) No. 

Dick: Yeah, they gotta be self-sufficient. 

Maddox: (irritated) No, Sean, they don't -

Dick: (interjects) You can't buy them their clothes!

Maddox: They don't live on a farm, fuckface. (Sean laughs) Alright, what do you got? What... (cracks up)

Dick: Do they have to make their own school lunch? Stuff like that?

Maddox: I don't know, man. I don't know. I mean, I've seen...I've also seen the other way, where parents are, uh...way too strict in weird authoritarian ways that are not like helicopter parents. 

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: They're just real...dickheads and blowhards about it, and that causes their kids to have huuuuge privacy issues. They have huge issues with privacy and anxiety and control, and for girls it can develop into eating disorders. For guys it can develop into drug abuse -

Dick: (interjects) Or more fun disorders. Right?

Maddox: Well, there you go.

Dick: Huh, eh? Ehh? (grins)

Maddox: Anyway, Dick. What do you got?

Dick: Um...yeah. I think you're... (exhales) Like, helicopter parenting, is that when a parent marches into a teacher', writes into a college professor's email...

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: ...and says, "My daughter deserved an A on this..."

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: "...political science paper that means nothing"?

Maddox: Oh. ('ding!' sound effect) Dick...

Sean: That's really annoying. 

Dick: Myeah. 

Maddox: I am so, yeah. I'm so glad you mentioned that.

Dick: Well, I'm tryin' to think of what it actually is. 

Maddox: Well, I'll tell...I'll -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause that list, I don't know. 

Maddox: I'll give you an e-...

Dick: (interjects) It sounded like a buncha crap. 

Maddox: Uh, well... (scoffs)

Dick: Like, do your laundry and make your, okay.

Maddox: Dick, you keep...

Sean: But it's also the menta-...

Maddox: (interjects) You keep talkin' about laundry! That's the only thing you've mentioned on this. It says, uh, they tie their shoes -

Dick: (interjects) Well, they wrote it! (Randy laughs in the background)

Maddox: It says tie their shoes...yeah, but you're only picking one out of this entire list.

Dick: Why do they put it in there if it's stupid?? That's THEIR article!

Maddox: You're cherry picking! It says here tie their shoes, clear their plates, pack their lunches, launder their clothes, and monitor their school progress, even after the children are mentally and physically capable of doing the task. Is that not clear?! 

Dick: No!

Maddox: After they're capable of doing the task themselves, they're still doing it! That's helicopter parenting. Tying their shoes??

Dick: See, that's cr-...that's weird! 

Maddox: Why is that weird?! (Dick sighs) What aren't you getting here?

Dick: Job specialization is pretty useful for efficiency. I mean, what's wrong with doing their laundry, or...tying their shoes when they're like 3?

Maddox: (shouts) Dick, stop mentioning laundry! I listed a whole fuckin' list. Tying their shoes?

Dick: Clearing the plates?

Maddox: After they're capable of doing so themselves? You think that's...there's no problem with that?

Dick: (scoffs) So, what, everybody clears their own plate at dinner? That's... (guffaws) 

Maddox: "Oh, here, Dick. What's your next problem? Let me do that for you, baby."

Sean: How old were old were you when you lived in your parents' basement? (Dick laughs) Weren't you yelling for soup and correspondence constantly?

Dick: Yeah, was that helicopter parenting? (background laughter)

Maddox: You guys... (irritated) You guys, it was a joke. It was a throwaway line. My god.

Dick: No no, that wasn't a joke!

Maddox: What?

Dick: You meant that seriously. You definitely banged on the do-...on the ceiling and asked for soup.

Maddox: mom...

Dick: It wasn't a joke.

Maddox: My mom -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, it was a joke 'cause it was funny.

Maddox: My mom would occasionally bring me soup downstairs, but...and I...and -

Dick: (interjects) Is that helicopter parenting?

Maddox: Hold on. And I would occasionally -

Dick: (interjects) Is it?

Maddox: I would occasionally bang on the ceiling with my... (Randy laughs) ...with a broom. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But those two incidents usually happened distinctly from another. So I would bang on...for something unrelated. 

Dick: Well, like what?

Maddox: Like "pick up the phone." (Randy giggles in the background) (Sean laughs) This was before cell phones. This was before...this was when we all had landlines.

Dick: No, I understand, pick up the ph-... (chuckles) 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't think you wanted her to come down to you and pick up your phone and put it up to your ear.

Maddox: No. No, but it...but this was, like...when I lived at home and we had a landline, I would take the broom sometimes. If I wanted my mom to pick up, I would bang on the fuckin' ceiling. (Randy chuckles) And yeah, sometimes my mom would bring me soup. But here's the thing, man, I'll tell you. My mom did my laundry for way too long, and to the point where when I finally moved out of the apartment, when I finally moved out on my own, I didn't know how to do fuckin' laundry on my own. I had to learn!

Dick: Is it that hard to learn?

Maddox: No, it wasn't hard to learn, but it was a ski-...a life skill that I didn't possess. 

Sean: Dick, do you remember...

Dick: I mean... (hesitant)

Sean: ...when a mutual friend of ours pu-...

Dick: (interjects) Oh, this is a GREAT story. 

Sean: He puked on his pants. This, how old were we?

Dick: 16. 15 or 16. 

Sean: Okay. Something least. 

Dick: Yeah. Um...go ahead.

Sean: No no, you tell it.

Dick: So, wh-... (stammers) This friend of ours' parents were gone. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So we were all over at his house. Someone had beer. We were drinking, and this friend of ours, whose mom definitely had done his laundry his entire life...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And mine does too! It's great! She STILL wants to do it. I don't want her to, though. I don't like the way she folds the shirts, 'cause they don't fit it...they don't fit right then. We got a different folding style. Anyway. Uh, this guy -

Sean: (interjects) Look how independent you are.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. I taught myself.

Maddox: Dick's a -

Dick: (interjects) After she stopped, my girlfriend started doing it, and then she spilled a bunch of bleach on my shorts. I was like, "Ah, oh, alright. I'll do this from now on, thank you very much."

Maddox: Hey, could be worse. Could be coffee. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But I just read the bottle. It wasn't like a life skill, or my self-esteem wasn't affected by it. Uh, anyway. This friend of ours threw up on his...threw up all over himself, 'cause he had, like...he must've had 3 or 4 beers. (Sean giggles) I think. And at that age, you know, that's a lot of beers. He threw up on himself, and he started panicking because he needed to come up with a story why he fell in the pool to explain why his clothes were all wet. And Sean just said, "Well, why don't you just wash them?" And he goes, "Well, I don't know how to do that."

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: "My mom washes all my clothes."

Maddox: There you go. 

Sean: You could see the gears... (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Sean: ...kind of slowly crank in his head, like...

Dick: Yeah. (smiles)

Sean: It was just never thought of. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: It was like, "Dude, wash your fuckin' pants!"

Maddox: Yeah, man! My mom always did my laundry, and I didn't learn how to do it until I moved out, and...there were lessons that you had to learn. Like, there's n-...generally speaking, there doesn't say, um...I don't know. There are things that you have to learn about doing laundry. Like, for example, using a laundry bag for small articles so they don't get stuck in the drain. That's something I kinda had to learn the hard way. 

Dick: Wait, wait. What? 

Maddox: I mean, these are things that are life skills. (chuckles) Well, there you go. (muttering)

Dick: I don't know that one. What is it?

Maddox: Use a laundry bag. So if you have, uh, a lot of panties that you're washing? You know?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like a big -

Dick: (interjects) I don't...I don't do that. I like to keep the smell on it. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Gross. 

Dick: 'Cause they're not being used again, obviously, if they're at my place.

Maddox: Smell like...smell like lettuce and...mustard. (Randy laughs in the background)

Dick: What is this bag that you have to use?

Maddox: A laundry bag. You've never heard of it?

Dick: I've heard of it, I just don't know what it has to do with small things falling down the drain. (Maddox giggling) 

Maddox: Dick, that's so funny. Uh,, Mr. Laundry Expert, you've never heard of a laundry bag. 

Dick: No, I've heard of a laundry bag.

Maddox: You don't use it! It's...that's what it...that's what they're for.

Dick: I don't use a laundry bag, no.

Maddox: Yeah, that's what they're for, so you don't have small things, like small socks, uh, panties...any small articles of clothing that need to be washed, you put it in a laundry bag so it doesn't get sucked down the drain and cause a clog. 

Dick: What drain?

Maddox: The laundry drain. the washing machine. 

Sean: I've never had a washing machine where that was possible.

Dick: Me either!

Maddox: Well, it's happened to me!

Sean: Because even change stays in the bottom of the washer.

Dick: Yeah, even change stays in the bottom. 

Maddox: Well, change is heavy. I'm talkin' about something that's kind of know, some of the hair bands you use, that sort of thing? Panties, that sort...

Dick: Yeah, they're always in there. 

Maddox: Well, I don't know, man. Uh, they...these exist for a reason, and that's what they're there for. That's...that's what happened! I was in an apartment one time that I was renting, and I put a bunch of clothes in, and this was, um...this was a front-loading washer, so maybe that had somethin' to do with it. But it was a front-loading washer, and it sucked some socks or something down the drain, caused a clog, and the plumber came, he said, "Oh, you gotta use a laundry bag so this stuff doesn't happen."

Dick: (chuckles) I've never...I've seriously never heard of that.

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah.

Dick: I'm sure it exists. Sounds like a weird thing.

Sean: It probably is with, uh, front-loading washers. 

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, your mom did your laundry, so maybe that's why you don't know!

Dick: I've never had a front-loading laundry, Mr. Fancypants. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I gotta use the apartment complex ones, like Sesame Street. 

Maddox: Oh, but one last thing, one last point. Um, so teachers's leading to this phenomenon where parents are coming in and arguing with their kids' teachers when their teachers are trying to discipline them in class. (incredulous)

Sean: Mhm. (in background)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That is...SO fucking obnoxious. You're going to bat for your kid?! What the fuck do you think the teacher's doing? You think they're sitting there conspiring against your little shit? You think your little shit's that special, that your teacher's gonna sit there trying to come up with ways to fuck with them? No!! The teacher doesn't give a shit! They're trying to do their job and go home! They know they're ear-...they're working long fuckin' hours, they don't have time to sit there thinking of ways to fuck with your stupid little monster. If the teacher says your kid disrespected him or her in class, guess what? He probably did! The teacher has better things to do than to make up stories and get you to come down and meet her or him for a parent-teacher conference. People have shit to do. They have busy lives. They have lives to lead. They don't have time for this shit. If your teacher is telling you your kid has a problem in school, listen to them! That's the biggest problem with helicopter parenting. 

Dick: Okay. Ready for my problem? 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's the...the job lynch mob. How many times have I threatened to bring this one in? 

Maddox: You have threatened to bring this in a lot.

Dick: (inhales) A lot. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I really hate it. 

Maddox: Well, what is it?

Dick: It's a job...lynch mob. 

Maddox: What does that mean? 

Dick: You heard of a lynch mob, right?

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick: It's when they...they round up a posse and try to kill ya. 

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Yeah? 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Same thing! Except they're tryin' to kill your job. 

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: You know the know what the thing is about a lynch mob? There's no justice to it. It's just a bunch of people who wanna kill ya. Doesn't matter why. You didn't go through a trial. You weren't found guilty of anything. It's just a bunch of people who decided they don't like ya! They don't want you around anymore. So they round up a posse, and they try to kill ya. Maybe they hang you. Not necessary, though, to be a lynch mob. Imagine the same thing, but they're tryin' to kill your job. 

Maddox: Hm. 

Dick: That's a job lynch mob. 

Maddox: M'kay. 

Dick: That's what it is. Happens a lot! Every time it happens, I wanna bring it in. But every time something more important comes along, like burning your mouth on hot food...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...or banging your funny bone. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This time? Nothin'. (chuckles) This time, only Prince died and someone got kicked off the $20 bill. big deal. Right? 

Maddox: Nnnnothin'... (Dick laughs) Not that important.

Dick: Nothin'...nothin' controversial to talk about there. (grinning)

Maddox: No. 

Dick: This t-...

Sean: (interjects) Well, those aren't gonna happen again. Most likely.

Dick: Uhh...

Maddox: Prince?

Sean: Yeah, Prince is probably not gonna die twice.

Maddox: Not in our lifetime.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: That's true. That's a good point. 

Maddox: They might resurrect him later on, 'cause they'll always resurrect celebrities. 

Sean: Mhm.

Dick: His hologram might die. They'll figure out a way to, like, turn him into a Tamagotchi. 

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: And that'll die. 

Maddox: I wish they'd figure out a way to make him make good music. 

Sean: But this, uh, lynch mob... (Maddox laughs to himself) This is an ongoing thing, right?

Dick: It's an ongoing thing, and I think it's getting worse. So Curt Schilling, you know who that guy is?

Maddox: No.

Dick: The commentator on ES-...

Maddox: (interjects) I've heard of him, but I don't know what he does.

Dick: I'm gonna breeze through it, 'cause I'm sure it's of interest to nobody. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who listens. He's a famous baseball pitcher who's a commentator on ESPN. Fired for making an offensive tweet.

Maddox: What was the tweet?

Dick: Does it matter?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Why??

Maddox: Well, what if he said the N-word?

Dick: Does that deserve...? This is a serious question. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Does it be fired? Do you deserve to be fired? Like, do you want a society where you are FIRED for saying something offensive?

Maddox: Do I want a society where your employer has the freedom to let you go...

Dick: Of COURSE. Of course.

Maddox: ...if you misrepresent them? Yes!

Dick: Maddox, of course. Of course we know that it's a contract, and a company can let you go for any reason, especially if you embarrass them.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Of course. That...and that's -

Maddox: (interjects) If you give them a bad public image!

Dick: Oh, come on. Let's rise above that conversation, 'cause that's what's...that's going on all day on think pieces on TV. Of course everybody...they...they're employed by a company, they said something that embarrasses the company; get rid of them. Of course. I wish we found that more offensive than the original offensive statement.

Maddox: Well, what was the statement?

Dick: That's what I'm saying. Again, does it matter?

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: How bad would it have to be for them to be fired to you?

Maddox: Uh, hom-...homophobic, uh...

Dick: Because Gil-...let's take Gilbert Gottfried!

Maddox: Bigoted...yeah.

Dick: Let's take Gilbert Gottfried. Japan; rocked by a huge quake. 

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: A tsunami, excuse me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They' know. I'm using them interchangeably, but a tsunami. He says...he starts tweeting jokes about it. "Japan's so advanced, they're bringing the beach to THEM." 

Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)

Dick: Right??

Maddox: That's kinda funny.

Dick: Funny, right? Fired immediately. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Of course. Do you think that was offensive enough for a man to lose his livelihood? 

Maddox: Dick, you know what? You're sitting here decrying a man losing his livelihood.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: But you're forgetting an important fact here: these are businesses.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And businesses are in the business of making money, and if they piss off their customers by hiring a sponsor or spokesperson who's making asinine remarks that are insensitive after an earthquake and people threaten to boycott that business, guess what? The livelihood that's being threatened is not Gilbert Gottfried's, it's now THEIRS. 

Dick: Of course.

Maddox: And they have every right and reason and justification to let him go! I don't see the problem here.

Dick: I mean...well, all I'm asking for you to do... (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: take that argument, which is obvious -- everybody knows that and agrees with it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And put it aside...

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: ...just for the sake of the conversation.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Obviously, I'm not talking about enacting some kind of bizarro law where companies are no longer allowed to put behavior clauses in contracts. Like, it's nothing insane like that.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: All I'm saying is the idea of taking someone's job away is the same as harming them physically in a lot of ways. Taking their...taking away their ability to make money. Remember that guy that killed Cecil, that dentist? 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What did the mob wanna do? They wanted to destroy his business.

Sean: That's right.

Dick: That SOMEHOW, somehow we all look at that and say, "Well, that's okay!" I think that's m-...that's WAY worse than anything he could've said! Or done. I think it's comparable to harming someone physically, because you're just're doing the max that you can do. The most amount of harm you can do to someone is take away their ability to feed themselves, take away all the work they've done for however many years to get where they are, to just take it away by the force of the mob! Like, it's the's the maximum legally allowable amount of force that a mob can do to someone. And -

Sean: (interjects) Yeah, it can be overly harsh.

Dick: And it's always's never just!

Sean: And we're so politically correct now, we're so afraid to offend anybody, that's just, the hatchet comes down almost immediately.

Dick: And that's the only direction that it works in. It only works as an arm of political correctness. I'm not bringing in political correctness right now. Probably will someday, but that's what it is to me, and that's why it's so horrible. Of COURSE...of course a company can fire anyone they want. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But we tolerate it! 

Maddox: Uh, listen. Ha-...

Dick: (interjects) And it's ugly!

Maddox: Um...

Dick: It's an ugly thing.

Maddox: Listen, I heard you both. Hannity, Beck, I appreciate your comments. Uh...

Sean: Oh, GOD. Come on.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: I appre-... (cracks up) I appreciate your comments here. Now, there's a very simple rephrasing of your problem...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: ...that will help cast this problem into a new perspective, and that is this.

Sean: (interjects) So he's gonna help you.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: No, it'll give you a new perspective, that is this: they are not taking away anything. They are giving him a job. Alright? They've -

Dick: (interjects) The dentist?

Maddox: They've...anyone who's employed anyone who said anything, they don't...they're not having their jobs taken away; they're having their jobs GIVEN to them. 

Dick: The dentist definitely was. 

Maddox: I'm talking about the employers.

Dick: It was people trying to ruin his...

Maddox: Well, this Curt, uh...what's his name? Curt Schroder?

Sean: "Schilling." Schilling.

Maddox: Schilling. Curt...Curt Schilling?

Dick: Well, I'm talkin' about the job lynch mob. 

Maddox: Well...yeah, but let's talk about...let's look at this from the point of view of the employers. 

Dick: But again, we've said, yes, of course they have the right to do anything they want. Of course they have the right to protect their brand. Of course.

Maddox: Nonono, but...but you're saying that it's comparable to physical violence to take away their job, it's so bad, it's like...oh my gosh, there's nothing worse. (sarcastic) But -

Sean: (interjects) I just think sometimes the bar is too low.

Dick: Oh, is there a bar??

Maddox: Well, what i-...what did -

Dick: (interjects) It's just momentum!

Maddox: What did he say?

Dick: I mean, if you don't know, that should say enough! It wasn't offensive to get through YOUR filter, and you're usually pretty hip on current events.

Maddox: I do...I... (snickers) I do know. I do know what he said. 

Dick: Oh! Well, then why are you asking?!

Sean: Well, it was a -

Maddox: (interjects) Well, I want you to say it!

Sean: It was a picture.

Maddox: What did he say?? What did he say?

Dick: What do you, just want me to repeat an offensive tweet? (Maddox scoffs) (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Well, if it's's so bad that you won't even say it on this program, yet you're saying that they're...that the job lynch mob is totally ou-...this outrage machine that cost this poor guy his job. Oh, this poor man! (sarcastic) 

Dick: Maddox, I'll say whatever you want! I'm not personally offended by it. I mean, it's...

Maddox: I'll read the tweet.

Dick: It's his opinion!

Maddox: I'll read the tweet here.

Dick: I just don't think the offensiveness of it is germane to this conversation. But go ahead!

Maddox: It absolutely is, I think.

Sean: To be fair, he has a long track record of this.

Dick: Oh, and so did Gilbert Gottfried. 

Maddox: Okay.

Sean: Did he -

Dick: (interjects) That's why he was famous; that's why they hired him.

Sean: Oh!

Dick: Like...

Sean: (hesitates) Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: But now he's representing a huge corporation who can't have any egg on their face. 

Maddox: Right. Um...

Sean: But Schilling d-...he's had repeated incidents. 

Dick: Of COURSE. Of course.

Sean: And been warned, and all that kinda stuff.

Maddox: Look, I -

Sean: (interjects) I don't feel too bad for him.

Dick: No, n-...of course not! No. Go ahead.

Maddox: This is according to the New York Times. It says, "The post..." So he posted on Twitter. They said, "The post showed an overweight man wearing a wig and women's clothing with parts of the T-shirt cut out to expose his breasts. It says, 'LET HIM IN! to the restroom with your daughter or else you're a narrow-minded, judgmental, unloving racist bigot who needs to die.'" Um, not a very sophisticated comment on the ongoing debate that's going on right now in North Carolina, where they passed this bill that is trying to prevent people who are transsexual from using restrooms of the opposite sex. They want people with their biologically-aligned genders to use the restroom that, uh, that matches their gender. Their genitals. So that means people who have been post-operational who look like who now look like women or women who now look like men, they are...they have to go into the opposite bathroom just because of this weird law. Which is, like, such a non-issue. There's never been any sexual assaults or anything like that, uh, from these transsexuals going to the bathroom. That's not where it happens. "To that, Schilling added: 'A man is a man no matter what they call themselves. I don't care what they are, who they sleep with, men's room was designed for the penis, women's not so much. Now you need laws telling us differently? Pathetic.'" That's what he said. 

Dick: Do you have more to add?

Maddox: That's the...that's the whole comment.

Dick: W-...right, but we all knew what he said!

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: Or you...were you gonna add to it?

Maddox: Yeah! Well, I'll say this. Um, it does sound transphobic. 

Dick: then, you agree with the mob? 

Maddox: I...what mob??

Dick: Fire him!

Maddox: What mob? Where is this mob? What are you talkin' about? 

Dick: The mob is who everyone's afraid of! That's why everyone gets fired. That's why Gilbert Gottfried got fired, because companies are terrified of people who are offended by that!!

Maddox: Dick, that -

Dick: (interjects) It's a guy's... (stammers) Or maybe it's just me! When I hear an opinion I don't like, I'd like th-...I don't want that person to be punished into lying about it. I'd like it to be expressed so it can be dissected.

Maddox: Dick...

Dick: So it can be argued with!

Maddox: Therein lies the rub with taking corporate influence when it comes to your speech. Because if they decide for whatever reason what you said...even if it's innocuous. Let's say what he said wasn't transphobic. Let's just say he just said something flippant that they didn't like. 

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: They can decide for ANY reason that it's going to be a harm to their potential customer base, and they can let you go. And by this mob -- you keep saying "it's a mob, it's a mob, it's a mob." What they are are customers, and they're customers who are buying a product. And if their customers are unhappy, that's basically...your shareholders. You have to respond to your shareholders, and when they're mad, guess what? You get rid of the problem. What do they have to gain -

Dick: (interjects) I just...I feel like you're explaining the basics of business about this again.

Sean: Here's the thing, though.

Dick: We all know that! We all know that.

Maddox: What do they have to gain by keepin' this guy? What do they have to gain?

Sean: Sometimes, they think that they know what's going to offend the masses.

Dick: Exactly. 

Sean: And sometimes, it's a VERY small percentage of...

Dick: It's instinct.

Sean: know, letters they get, or it's an old lady saying, "I heard the F-word somewhere," or that...and then it -

Dick: (interjects) It's the same way books get banned. 

Sean: It blows up into this whole thing.

Dick: A library gets letters for something's offensive. It's like, "Well, all these people are offensive!" The Parents...what, Television Council? That one company that's responsible for just generating outrage, and contacting whoev-...whomever to order to censor them? It's those kinds of people that they're afraid of! There just exists this...

Maddox: Well...

Dick: ...machine of outrage!

Maddox: No, the Parents Television Research Council is a lobbying group that is specifically pushing conservative agendas, and...specifically, conservative Christian agendas, and they're trying to keep the airwaves clean and it's...they're doing it a really shady way. Libraries, on the other hand, don't have corporate influences. That's why I like libraries, and that's why if a library banned a book, that's a HUGE story. That's a big deal. That's why libraries...libraries can have any number of seedy books in their, uh, in their record. They can have hate speech, they can have anything you could possibly want under the sun. They can have it there. But as for this Curt Schilling guy, he said something irresponsible, and this "mob" that you keep calling them are customers, essentially. let me ask you this.

Dick: (interjects) I mean, you're saying Curt Schilling, but it's really a lot of people this happens to.

Maddox: Well, let me ask you this. We're specifically talkin' about this, 'cause that's why you brought it in. Sean said that, uh...that, said it's a small percentage of people who are outraged or offended? 

Sean: No, I'm saying that, uh...

Dick: (interjects) There's no way to know. 

Sean: Yeah, there's no way to kn-...

Dick: There's no way to know. 

Maddox: Well, there is.

Sean: If they just chop it off at the knees, then, you know, they -

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, that's what...yeah, okay. 

Sean: Yeah, they -

Maddox: (interjects) So, Sean...

Sean: Go ahead.

Maddox: Sean said that they are proactive. They're being proactive here, and they're assuming -

Sean: (interjects) Sometimes!

Dick: Sometimes.

Maddox: Well, in this case, were they being proactive or were...was there outrage?

Dick: Well, it was instantaneous. 

Sean: In this case, I think he had gotten enough backlash. Again, this case, I think he absolutely deserved to be fired. 

Dick: I mean, I don't even wanna get into that, because it doesn't matter!

Maddox: It does.

Dick: It doesn't matter to me. 

Maddox: It does! It does. What you say matters, and you should be...look, you have the freedom of speech in this country. I'm so fucking tired of MORONS, armchair...uh, constitutionalists sittin' there, "Uhh, Maddox, freedom of speech! How come I got banned on your forum?" (dumb voice) 'Cause guess what, shithead?! You still have the freedom of speech, you just don't have to say it wherever you want! You can't come into my fuckin' house and spew your bullshit!! Get the fuck out! If you want freedom of speech, go to the sidewalk and say whatever the fuck you want. You can say whatever you want! You can write on your blog, you can text it to friends; do whatever you want! But when you do it in a public forum, when you're representing another company, yeah, guess what? There are consequences! You have freedom of speech, but not freedom of consequence!! What's the problem? I don't see the disconnect. He has the freedom to say whatever he wants, and now he can do it completely unrestrained! In fact, this...who was the, uh...who was the employer, the MLB? Major League Baseball?

Dick: Let's go with MLB. 

Maddox: Whatever. Now -

Sean: (interjects) I think...ESPN, I believe. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ESPN! Now they've done him a favor, because now he can go say whatever he wants, COMPLETELY unrestrained. Aren't they doing a good thing for this guy? 

Sean: Well, it's also all owned by Disney. 

Maddox: Well, that's true.

Sean: So you know they're gonna be -

Maddox: (interjects) Vote up Disney. (Dick groans) Vote up Disney, buckos.

Sean: They're gonna be conservative family values. 

Dick: Nyeah, I thought you would have this opinion on it. Um... (Maddox chuckles) The only reason I brought it in...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: simply to say that the idea of firing someone, taking away their livelihood because of something they said, I wish was more abhorrent than anything you could say. Because using intimidation and violence to force people not to say what they think, to force them to toe a politically correct line, is I think one of the most damaging things in soci-...that there could be in a free society, because it's a stepping stone! It's all's part of control. It's a mechanism of control. That's -

Sean: (interjects) Slippery slope, Maddox!

Maddox: Mmhm. (chuckles)

Dick: That's why I brought it in. It's not to have these ac-...these elementary and academic arguments about contracts and, "Yeah, branding," and this and that and the other. It's that everyone immediately accepts it as, "Woop, they're just covering their ass! He said something bad! You gotta punish that." And I really disagree with that. It happened somewhere...there was this guy...I mean, this has already gotten too long. But there was a guy, Violentacrez, on Reddit, who was on...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know, doing lewd things on the Internet, as we...the whole point of the Internet is. 

Maddox: Well...

Dick: And he got outed for doing it; fired. Instantly fired. And everyone treats this...treats this as some kind of victory! But it should should make people sick!

Maddox: No.

Dick: That that's...that because of someone's opinions and thoughts, they're...they lose their ability to support themselves?! Just hang him!! Just skip the step! Do what you really wanna do, which is kill him. And that's what you're saying when you celebrate somebody getting fired for something like this, is you're the kind of person that's okay rounding up a posse and executing them. 

Sean: I don't like the snap ju-...

Dick: (interjects) And I think that's bullshit.

Sean: I don't like the snap judgment part of it. 

Dick: Me either. 

Sean: Where you don't even get the whole story a lot of the time.

Maddox: No, hold...

Dick: No, 'cause people don't care!

Maddox: Hold on, Dick. You're being so flip about thoughts and what our beliefs are. What our beliefs and our thoughts are are the only thing that separates us from people the Ku Klux Klan. Would you hire a Ku Klux Klan member to represent your company?

Dick: Why don't you just go all the way to Hitler? 

Maddox: Look, we're talkin' specifically...this is an American problem. This happened in America. Let's talk about the Ku Klux Klan. (Dick starts to protest) Would you hire a Ku Klux Klansman represent your company? 

Dick: Are you that a serious question? (exasperated)

Maddox: Absolutely. 

Dick: How is that possibly a serious question, Maddox? Would some-...

Maddox: (interjects) Would you give a job to someone like that? 

Dick: Like, you're acting all pissed off, but are you seriously asking a question of, "Would you hire a Klan member?" 

Maddox: (yells) Well, you're're the one coming out...

Dick: Like, is that a fuckin' real question? 

Maddox: You're coming out here saying...just makin' this lofty claim that we are punishing people for their thoughts, right? It's thought police.

Dick: Yeah, and their speech!

Maddox: But...but -

Dick: (interjects) And their opinions. 

Maddox: The only thing that makes someone reprehensible is their beliefs!

Sean: Well, I would...

Maddox: And if you can't -

Dick: (interjects) No, it's their actions!! It's their fuckin' actions! That's why I knew you wouldn't get this!!

Sean: Yeah, okay.

Dick: 'Cause you DO think it's a thought crime! It's a...the crime is the action! The Ku Klux Klan, which you've specifically used 'cause they've committed tons of acts of violence, and now there's...what's there, like 10,000 people in the Ku Klux Klan now? It's not even a thing! It's like a...I don't... (stammers) It's a club! There's nobody there. There's WAY worse groups out there than the Ku Klux Klan. But it's like it's the same as Hitler anymore.

Sean: It's the difference between being prejudiced and then going forward to discrimination. 

Dick: Yeah. Big difference!

Sean: That's the...discriminating is the action.

Dick: Big difference.

Maddox: Okay. So you have an employee...let's say, Dick Masterson Construction Company.

Dick: Again, it's not about the company!

Maddox: Let me finish this! Let me...hold on.

Dick: I wouldn't... (scoffs) 

Maddox: You have Dick Masterson Construction Company.

Dick: Ugh. Yeah.

Maddox: And you have an employee that comes out and says something transphobic. Like, "You know what? I think trans people should be burned at the stake because they're less than human. Less than." Whatever hateful thing they come out and say. 

Dick: Uh-huh. (sneering)

Maddox: Now, YOU are saying that there should be moral outrage for...for people who would want to get rid of someone like that rather than the person who has those beliefs, who says those hateful things, that then...that then can incite violence towards people. Like, look, I'm not a big fan of thought crimes and this other -

Dick: (interjects) Is this still part of your question? 

Maddox: Yeah, it's your company. You would want someone like that representing your company?

Sean: You can dislike both. 

Dick: I mean, yeah. There's a...

Maddox: (interjects) But what you -

Dick: (interjects) You're...are you asking if I want...if I would like that? You just said...

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: ..."you would like someone like that representing your company."

Maddox: No, I'm asking. Would you? Would you?

Dick: Are you fuckin' serious?? Would I like someone going around saying transsexuals should be killed representing my company? Is that a real question? Again...

Maddox: Would you fire someone for that or not?

Dick: (exhales) That depends! How much did they have to drink? (Sean laughs) Did they post to the wrong Twitter account? Look... (cracks up)

Sean: Was he hacked?

Dick: Yeah, he probably got hacked. That's what we're goin' with. Um...yeah, I think you're kind of fundamentally missing my argument here, which is one is offensive, and everyone recognizes it as being offensive; one is horrifying. And it plays to our base nature, the needs of a mob to harm someone, and it's celebrated. That's the job lynch mob that I'm talking about, and it happens way more than Curt fuckin' Schilling. 

Maddox: Well...

Dick: It happened with the Cecil guy, happened with Gilbert Gottfried. Like, it happens to people. Happened to Mel Gibson! It happens to people. It happens to people, and I think it's gonna happen more and more, because pri-...

Maddox: (interjects) You're defending Mel Gibson? (smiles)

Dick: I'm not defending Mel Gibson! I'm saying the things people say shouldn't result in them getting harmed. 

Maddox: Why not??

Dick: That's what I'm saying. 

Maddox: I mean, they're...first of all, they're...he's not getting harmed. I think ESPN has done Curt Schilling a favor by firing him.

Dick: Again...

Maddox: Because now Curt Schilling is...has absolute freedom to say whatever hateful screed he wants! By the way, his Twitter should be blowing up. Talk...make all the dick jokes, make all the vagina jokes. Yeah, give it to those real...those fuckin' creepy transsexuals. Let's really give it to them.

Sean: The masses always have the option of voting with their pocketbook. 

Maddox: Exactly, and...

Dick: Of course!

Maddox: By the way, Sean, and that's what they're trying to prevent. ESPN is trying to prevent the masses from voting with -

Sean: (interjects) Losses.

Dick: Of COURSE. We all know that. 

Maddox: Okay. So, let me pose this hypothetical. 

Dick: Is it another, like, "would I make out with Hitler" question?

Maddox: No, no, no.

Dick: Or is it something remotely realistic?

Maddox: I didn't even mention Hitler!! You...literally, the only person on this show who's mentioned Hitler today is you.

Dick: Maddox, the K-...the only reason you used the Ku Klux Klan is because you know that using Hitler would look stupid. 

Maddox: No, because Hitler's -

Dick: (interjects) So you substitute the Ku Klux Klan.

Maddox: Because Hitler is dead, and the Ku Klux Klan is still contemporary. 

Dick: A Nazi, then!

Maddox: No.

Dick: There's still Nazis. 

Maddox: (stammers) Okay, Dick, does it matter? 

Dick: Go ahead! What's your question? What's the real question? 

Maddox: Here's a hypothetical for you. Let's say that it wasn't Curt Schilling working for the ESPN, a private organization, a private corporation. Let's say it's someone who works for the government.

Sean: Is Disney private?

Dick: No!

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, whatever. It's publicly traded, but it's still a corporation. Let's say it's someone who works for the government who said this. What do you think the response and repercussions would be for this? 

Dick: Well, the...what are you talkin' about, "if"?

Maddox: Let's say someone...let's say Curt Schilling was working for the US government, he was a congressman, and he said that tweet. What do you think the response should be, or would be?

Dick: Depends what district he's from!

Maddox: Let's just...okay. Let's say -

Dick: (interjects) Isn't that the point of politics??

Maddox: Let's say he's, uh, neither from a far-left or far-right. Just someplace right in the middle.

Sean: He might get elected president. 

Dick: Well, yeah! He might... (chuckles) I mean, he might get...he might long was Strom Thurmond a congressman? And he was...he said WAY worse than that!

Maddox: Yeah. So you think that, um, the government -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, did that question not go where you thought it was gonna go?

Maddox: Well, I...I'm...

Dick: Like, that's what people vote for!

Maddox: I'm asking to spur conversation. I'm not really sure if I have a point. I'm actually sincerely curious what you think, if...if you think that working for the government can afford you more protections than working for corporations. 

Dick: Uh, working if you're at the DMV and you're on Twitter? Saying stuff?

Maddox: No, the example I gave you. A congressman. 

Dick: Well, yeah! And then I said you could get elected for life. It depends what district you're in. I mean, Anthony Weiner tweeted his dick out, which is not really a big deal. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he resigned immediately because of the horrifying mob justice that was going to ensue. Right? Why the... (stammers) Just stick it out!! Like, wh-...why -

Sean: (interjects) Well, that was the problem. (Dick cackles) 

Maddox: Sean with the zinger!

Dick: That's my problem. 

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: I'm sure I had somethin' else, but I don't care.

Maddox: Well, I don't know, Dick. Did, uh, did Curt Schilling shave? I mean, I know he doesn't have a job. He's gotta save some money.

Dick: Oh, I should've done that earlier. (Maddox laughs) That's right. Today's show is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEMS" to save $5 off your first purchase. I'm saying it weird because they've changed the...they've changed the promo code. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Too many people were getting great shaves at a reasonable price!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So they had to change it. So pay attention. They want smart shoppers, because that's what you have to be if you're buying a Harry's razor. It's "BIGGESTPROBLEMS" at to save $5 off your first purchase. You know what you could get with that first starter pack, too? You get...

Maddox: You get the shaving gel...

Dick: Yeah, well, I wanna make sure I get it exactly right. Uh, for just $15 you get a razor, you get moisturizing shave cream, and you get 3 razor blades. How 'bout that? Over 1 million guys have made the switch. I've definitely made the switch. I'm never going back. I don't know about you. 

Maddox: Absolutely. Look at my...I shaved this morning with Harry's! Look at this. 

Dick: It looks great.

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick: It looks great. Uh -

Maddox: (interjects) I look like a stealth bomber. (laughs)

Dick: You do look like a stealth bomber. (amused) Over 1 million guys have made the switch. I mean, even if...if your mom has been shaving you your whole life, it's time for you to learn how to do it yourself.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You grew...sorry you grew up with a helicopter parent. It's time for you to do it yourself.

Maddox: Be independent, right.

Dick: Be independent. Make your first shave with Harry's!

Maddox: Uh-huh!

Dick: It's quality German-engineered 5-blade cartridges. A close, comfortable shave, no cuts or burns. Quality guaranteed. Full refund if you're not happy. I should probably be sayin' that every time, but there you go. 

Maddox: What's more American than independence? Huh? Shave yourself! Stop havin' your parents do it. Harry's. (smiles) 

Dick: Yeah. Although, have you ever gotten, a pro shave? Like a shave...

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: You know, with a guy who...

Maddox: Oh, buddy.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: That makes me nervous as hell. 

Dick: Oh yeah?

Maddox: Ohoho, yeah. With...a guy with a razor like that? I'm like, "You know what?" Essentially, the guy with a razor to your neck, you've known for maybe all of two minutes, and he has a razor held up to your neck. This guy, who you know NOTHING about, who for ANY reason, on a whim, could simply just, "Phwoosh!" End your life. Slice it. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (giggles) 

Dick: What's your problem?

Maddox: Guys, I got a real big problem. A real major... ('ding!' sound effect) ...annoyance. (applause sound effect) Mosquitoes!! Huh? (laughs)

Dick: Oh, this is a *quick* problem? Oh my god.

Maddox: Yeah. 

Sean: No, this could be...

Dick: They're the worst things ever!

Maddox: Yeah? (smiling)

Dick: They're the biggest problem in the universe.

Maddox: Really??

Dick: Absolutely. Yeah! A-...I hope you've researched this!! Yes!

Sean: They're definitely the biggest problem on a continent. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which continent?

Sean: Africa.

Dick: Africa.

Maddox: Uh, yeah. Well, maybe! 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, the...mosquitoes -

Sean: (interjects) Malaria...

Dick: Malaria!

Sean: ...has killed MILLIONS.

Dick: Oh, yeah. 

Maddox: Oh, that's a good point. That's true, actually. Um... (laughs with Sean)

Sean: Oh, no!

Dick: Wait, did you not have malaria in this research?!?

Maddox: No, I have...I have it on here.

Dick: Okay. Okay, thank GOD. 

Sean: Minor annoyance!

Dick: Thank god.

Maddox: Well, I brought in the malaria statistic of yearly deaths.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Not, uh, not aggregately. Aggregately, it's millions. It's up in the millions. But yeah, man, mosquitoes, they're completely worthless! That's the first thing I wrote down. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Mosquitoes are completely worthless. You know when they created the biodome, Dick? You remember what the biodome was?

Dick: Pauly Shore?

Maddox: Y-... (chuckles) Yeah, the movie? But the movie was based on a scientific project, where a bunch of scientists -

Sean: (interjects) It's in, uh, Arizona, I think.

Maddox: In Arizona, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They created a completely enclosed enclosure out in the desert somewhere that was supposed to be a self-sustaining ecosystem, where they sealed it off and they weren't...nothing was allowed in or out for a year or two years, or somethin' like that. They put some scientists in there, and it was really fascinating. If you ever get a chance, look up their, uh, their personal accounts of what happened in there. Some of 'em were goin' a little bit crazy near the end. But...

Dick: Oh man, I feel like that experiment got, uh...short shrift on media exposure. 'Cause I remember...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We were young...

Maddox: Mhm!

Dick: ...when they started that.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And the buildup, I was living...I lived in Arizona at the time. But the buildup was, was, like, saturated. 

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, everybody was talkin' about biodome all the time. How long were they in there?

Maddox: Uh, they did multiple ones. They did one for like 2 or 3 months, and they did one for a year.

Dick: And there was nothin' afterwards?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Yeah, that's...that's too bad.

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick: That would've been interesting.

Sean: I didn't even know it was a real thing, until I...I knew the movie. 

Maddox: Oh, yeah. No.

Dick: It was a real thing.

Maddox: It was a real thing.

Sean: I didn't even know it was a real thing until I looked it up.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, so when the scientists were trying to put in an ecologically diverse set of animals and insects and plant life in there to kind of create a controlled environment, they...there was a debate amongst the scientific community on whether or not they should include mosquitoes in there. (Dick laughs) 

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: And that's when they started looking...they started look-...

Dick: (interjects) Who was that prick?

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Who introduced that one.

Maddox: Probably a mosquito. 

Dick: In disguise?

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, probably. 

Maddox: "I think we should!" (Dick giggles)

Sean: Can't have 'em losin' their livelihood.

Maddox: Get that...get the hell outta here, Buzz. (cracks up) "Buzz." Real conspicuous name, shithead.

Dick: Professor Buzz.

Maddox: Yeah, Professor Buzz. (grins)

Dick: "Why'd you have to put the joke in it?" "I don't know." (Maddox laughs) "I just thought it would be funny."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's not funny!

Maddox: Yeah, he's like one of those, uh...those, like, criminals who always leaves a calling card.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: That always gets him caught. (Dick laughs)

Sean: Yeah, like the Wet Bandits. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) The Wet Bandits.

Sean: You have to be a certain age to know that one.

Maddox: So these scientists looked at mosquitoes critically, and they thought, "Well, what if...what are we going to harm if we leave them out of this ecosystem? What animals rely on mosquitoes? What plants rely on mosquitoes?" And then they started taking tabs and doing accounting, and they looked at all the different potential ways that mosquitoes could affect these...this environment, and they found -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's interesting. 

Maddox: The net sum was zero. (chuckles) They found that mosquitoes would have no effect, because nothing relies just on mosquitoes. Now...

Sean: They're purely parasites. 

Dick: Is that true??

Maddox: They're...yeah, they're just parasites! There's nothing in nature that relies on mosquitoes. Scientists have not found a s-...

Dick: (interjects) What about mosquito hunters?

Maddox: What do you mean?

Dick: Those bugs!

Sean: Yeah, they're mosquito chasers.

Dick: Yeah, they're mosquito chasers. They kill mosquitoes. 

Maddox: Well, that's what we call them, but they don't...they don't rely on those. I think they eat ticks and, uh, and other little insects too. 

Dick: So they put ticks in the biodome?!

Maddox: I think they did have ticks, yeah.

Dick: This biodome...really sucks! (chuckling)

Maddox: Yeah, it's a shit biodome. But, uh -

Sean: (interjects) Well, but don't lizards eat mosquitoes? I understand how you're explaining it the one way.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: But don't other animals maybe need mosquitoes as part of their diet?

Maddox: Sean, no animal needs mosquitoes as part of their diet. 

Sean: They can eat other stuff. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah, they can eat other stuff. They found that, uh...

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah! Because...because they've looked at continents that didn't have mosquitoes before and after, like Hawaii, for example. In the 1800s, Hawaii didn't have mosquitoes, and then some hikers came to Hawaii and had some on their, their gear, whatever. Introduced mosquitoes to Hawaii, and they wiped out so many different species of birds with avian, uh, avian pox. 

Dick: Oh, man. 

Maddox: It's basically...yeah, this type of disease that wiped out birds in Hawaii, and now Ha-...mosquitoes have run amok in Hawaii. There's so many. There's giant nests of them.

Dick: That sucks. 

Maddox: Yeah, man. Uh,, this is according to National Geographic. There aren't any bat species that specialize specifically on mosquitoes. According to National Geographic. They said, "Mosquitoes are the primary vector for malaria, so if they disappeared, malaria certainly would too. According to the World Health Organization, about 438,000 people died of malaria in 2015." In 2015 alone, we had half a million people die of malaria??

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That is fucking...that's an epidemic! Where's your fu-...forget fuckin' Ebola!! Half a million people dyin' from malaria, still!

Dick: Well...

Sean: Because it's consistent every year, so there's no story in that.

Maddox: Yeah. (sneering)

Dick: And it in America?

Sean: No.

Maddox: This is...

Dick: I don't think so.

Maddox: Um, "Similarly, the mosquito species most responsible for the current outbreak of Zika virus are also the primary carriers of the dengue ("dengoo") virus -- 22,000 deaths per year - "

Dick: Dengue. ("dengay")

Maddox: Dengue. Oh yeah, that's right. Dengue. And then yellow fever, 30,000 deaths annually. So let's do the math here. We got 438,000; 22, 30, that's 50...yeah, that's about half a million people dying every year from fuckin' mosquitoes. Now, I was doin' research...I typed in Google; I said, "Are mosquitoes necessary?" And there's all these entomologists who are SO far behind on the times. They're talkin' about, "Well, yeah, know, we could, uh, we could potentially wipe out mosquitoes, but the cost might be too high because we would have to drain all these swamps, and blah blah blah blah blah, and pesticides." (dumb voice) I'm like, "No, idiot!!"

Dick: Well, it better.

Maddox: Yeah! There's a -

Dick: (interjects) Think of a cheaper way.

Maddox: No, there's a BETTER way. There's a smarter way.

Dick: Sure. 

Maddox: Have you ever heard -

Dick: I mean, cheaper. (chuckles) That' and I are using the same word. Er, different words to describe the same thing.

Maddox: That's true. Have you ever heard of a company called Oxitec?

Dick: Are they sterile mosquitoes?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Mmm.

Maddox: You heard of this? 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh my gosh. These guys, the fuckin' mad science they're doing in their laboratories? Holy shit. These guys have found...they have devised a way to potentially wipe out, ERADICATE, mosquitoes on planet Earth. Down to, uh...I think a 96% degree of accuracy. They could wipe out like 96% of the mosquitoes.

Dick: Mmm, we need more than that. 

Sean: Do you know how many assholes would protest that?

Maddox: Well...

Sean: You could save millions and millions and millions of lives, but it's like...

Maddox: But here's the thing, Sean. The beauty of these, uh, this global climate we live in is every different country and jurisdiction kind of legislates themselves, so some cities are already experimenting with their technology.

Sean: Cool!

Maddox: Here's how it works. Like in Canada, I think they did, and Brazil. Um, "Scientists at Oxitec have developed a way to modify mosquitoes by adding a gene which produces a protein that stops their cells from functioning normally. The gene produces a protein called tTA, which is a special kind of protein able to act as a switch that controls the activity of other genes." Now listen to this, 'kay? They have this gene in the mosquitoes called tTA, right? And it activates as a switch, and here's what turns the switch on or off. "This means that the modified mosquitoes become very sick, and die before reaching adulthood." So if these mosquitoes die, how does that make 'em sterile, right? 'Cause they turn on this switch. Well, they made this gene specifically respond to tetracycline. 

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: Tetracycline is an antibiotic. So they raise these laboratories...excuse me. They raise these mosquitoes in a laboratory with tetracycline in the environment, and the mosquitoes are just fine. But as soon as the mosquitoes leave that laboratory and there's no longer a presence of tetracycline, those mosquitoes become terminator mosquitoes. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So once they breed -

Dick: (interjects) Like Jurassic Park. 

Maddox: What do you mean?

Sean: They left out a, uh...amino acid or somethin'.

Dick: The raptors needed an...needed to eat,, something that was in soybeans all the time, or else they'd die.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. Exactly.

Dick: But then they found soybeans when they were in Costa Rica.

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick: Now you got raptors.

Maddox: Well, that's exactly what this does. So as soon as they're in an environment without tetracycline, the gene activates and the next generation, the next of kin, is the one that dies and suffers, and that's so...that's such a brilliant plan, because essentially, they're sending mosquitoes off into the wild to breed. Right? 

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: And these mosquitoes are just fine, 'cause they can breed just fine, 'cause they were raised with tetracycline in the environment. But the next generation, that has this gene, this carrier gene? This self-destructing gene? Doesn't have tetracycline, and they completely wipe out. 

Dick: That's great!

Maddox: And they have done this. They've done tests with this, and they found that, uh, that when they do it in these environments, it's wiping out mosquitoes after one generation! ONE test.

Dick: How long do they live? Couple weeks? A week?

Maddox: It takes about, uh, 3 to 6 months for a cycle.

Dick: Oof. That's a long time. 

Maddox: (chuckles) Well, then you don't have to worry about it ever again!

Dick: I need these mosquitoes gone now. (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: So, where can I order a box of these? 'Cause I got a...a pool.

Maddox: Well...

Dick: Um, that's...that's attracting a lot of mosquitoes. 

Maddox: So now, you're coming down to the ethical quandary. Because now scientists -

Dick: (interjects) Nope! Skipped it. (Maddox giggles) As it turns out. I'm ready to go.

Maddox: As it turns out, we skipped it!

Dick: I got m-...I got two credit cards out. (background laughter) One for each of ya. Let's go.

Maddox: Well, there's this study that came out by, uh...let's see. The scientist's name is Doctor BUZZ. Uh... (cracks up) He say don't do it. (giggles) No, but, uh... (stammers) The scientists...scienti-...the scientific community is having a quandary right now on whether or not they should do this.

Dick: What we'll call a "hissy fit." (Maddox laughs) You know? (grins)

Maddox: They're havin' a hissy fit on whether or not to wipe out mosquitoes. Because we are actually, within our lifetimes, able to completely eradicate a species of creature, know, I keep hearing this debate on radio stations and different programs and stuff.

Dick: Oh, that''s in-...this is insane. 

Maddox: What?

Dick: That the idea...the idea...these f-... (stammers) These fuckin' scientists. Always lyin' to...I FUCKIN' hate scientists so much. 

Maddox: They're not lying! (laughing) What...what do you think it's -

Dick: (interjects) No, that was an Insane Clown Posse lyric for a joke. 

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: But the...just this... (stammers) 

Sean: That was too obscure. 

Dick: They all love to play God. Right? 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They all love...they love their fff-...PRECIOUS science so much. Like, "Well, you know, the ecosystem, it's very delicate! It's so delicate that if you pull off just the most annoying creature that's murdering hundreds of thousands of humans every year, you pull them...the whole thing might collapse." Like, "O-...okay. So, what if we just dump oil all over the ocean? Are you okay with that?" "Well, no, but you know, we didn't mean to do that." Like, "Wh-...yeah we did!! There's statistical destruction in everything we do!" Everything that we do is constantly fucking up the environment. Where do you assholes get off, like, pretending for a second that there's this fragile tapestry of life that needs to be preserved all the time? We don't do that!! We've NEVER done that. It's just so's so annoying to hear them.

Maddox: Yeah, I think the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. There's definitely times when we have fucked up an ecology, like when we introduced, uh...what is it, voles? Gray...gray-tailed voles into Australia, the little mice? Er, the rats? Ra-...overran Australia. Oh DESTROYED their ecology. And then when we introduced goats on the, uh...Galapagos Islands? Totally killed the environments, and they had to go hunt all the goats to kind of restore the environment for tortoises.

Dick: Like, res-...restore the beauty of it. 'Cause -

Maddox: (interjects) No no, for tortoises. They were wiping out tortoises. 

Dick: know. Fuck tortoises. 

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Right? Like, at the same if you give me a list, if I g-...if I'm gonna kill mosquitoes, give me the list of all the animals it's gonna kill, and I'll tell you when I don't feel okay getting rid of mosquitoes anymore. 

Maddox: Well, so, here -

Dick: (interjects) You know what I mean?

Maddox: Here's the argument I never hear made on these radio shows in these debates, which is essentially the Jurassic Park argument. You know, in Jurassic Park, they's a fiction based on the...finding a mosquito that was stuck in some ember, and -

Dick: (interjects) Amber.

Sean: Amber, yeah.

Maddox: Amber.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: Yeah. So finding a mosquito that was stuck in some amber, and being able to drill inside the mosquito's belly and pull out some...some prehistoric dinosaur blood, some dinosaur DNA.

Dick: Dino DNA. 

Maddox: Dino DNA! Right?

Dick: We kn-...yeah, we know the speech. 

Maddox: From its belly. 

Dick: Uh-huh. (smiling)

Maddox: And they were able to, in this movie, reconstruct the dinosaur because of this DNA, whatever. Now, that's not completely far-fetched. It's possible to pull...what? You're sayin'-...Ra-...Randy's shakin' his head "no," poo-pooing my fuckin' argument already, Randy!

Dick: What's wrong, Randy? 

Maddox: Candy Randy. 

Dick: Why?

Randy: DNA...uh, decays so fast. 

Dick: DNA decays.

Maddox: Yeah, I know it decay-...Randy...

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: Okay, so Randy's argument is that DNA decays. No shit, Randy!! I know fuckin' DNA decays. I'm not a fuckin' moron. I've had school before. (Randy scoffs and laughs in background)

Dick: I mean, you did just kinda say that it was plausible, though. 

Maddox: Nonono, not...I'm... (stammers) For dinosaurs, not, because it decays too much.

Dick: Okay. 

Maddox: But for certain animals in a small enough time span, that could act as a preserving mechanism for the DNA.

Dick: What about Prince? Do you think he got bit by any mosquitoes we could grab real quick?

Maddox: I...I hope not.

Dick: And clone him?

Maddox: Yeah, I hope not, man. I hope...I hope Prince was in a completely sterile environment. (Sean cracks up) You know, for his safety. 

Dick: Right, right, right, right. 

Maddox: I'm just not a fan. I'm just not a fan. I don't get it.

Dick: No one's askin'!! So, what's the... (Maddox cracks up) What's the argument that...that they're, uh, that you haven't heard being made?

Maddox: Basically...well -

Dick: (interjects) That's Jurassic Park-based.

Maddox: Yeah, well, basically the...that the mosquitoes may be able to preserve some DNA for some future generation in some weird way. Who knows?

Dick: This is the argument you *haven't* heard?

Maddox: That...I haven't that argument. 

Dick: You would like to hear that?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: You just made it. 

Maddox: Done.

Dick: Right here. First. 

Maddox: The only smart program. (Dick scoffs)

Dick: Yeah. (grinning)

Maddox: That's being broadcast.

Dick: That we should preserve mosquitoes because inadvertently, they've probably preserved countless thousands of animals' DNA patterns? 

Maddox: Well, what Candy Randy said when he was shitting on my beautiful argument... (Dick giggles) ...was essentially -

Dick: (interjects) I woulda let you get through it. 

Maddox: Was essentially true. Um, you know, the...the DNA they've been able to pull out of mosquitoes has not been complete enough to use for anything.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: However, they have been able to use parts of that DNA, I believe, construct a genome, a more full genome, based on other parts they've found in other things, like dinosaur -

Dick: (interjects) Like frogs. 

Maddox: Dinosaur eggs. 

Dick: Jurassic Park, they did frogs. 

Maddox: Uh...yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Dick: Combined with frogs.

Maddox: I mean, I don't know how much of that is fiction, but... (Dick cracks up) They've been able to... (background laughter)

Dick: 100% of it is fiction. It's Jurassic Park.

Maddox: No, I'm talkin' about the science.

Dick: Oh, yeah. Okay. 

Maddox: The science that goes into it, yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I mean, there may be somethin'...there may be somethin' to it. Now they have the CRISPR technology that's able to splice DNA so quickly and easily. Who knows? Who knows. Who knows what the future could hold? So I guess the argument is...a big question mark. Should we eradicate mosquitoes? 

Dick: Yes. 100%. Put the Kickstarter on; I will put $10,000 into that immediately. I'll do it myself! I'll...send me to jail. I'd d-...that's the there a crime for eradicating a species?  

Maddox: Oh boy, I don't know! I don't know if that's an actual crime, but that seems like somethin' right up MY fuckin' alley. 

Dick: Yeah, you should lead the charge.  

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Get a box of them. Fuck mosquitoes, man.

Maddox: I would.

Dick: They're the WOOORST. 

Maddox: I think I would do time...I would be okay with doing time, as long as I was known as the first guy to eradicate a species.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: How fuckin' cool is that? Although, people do it all the time. They hunt animals into extinction. (grins) Inadvertently. 

Dick: That's what I'm sayin'!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, all these scientists are always complaining about... (Maddox gasps) ...protecting all these species, but we do it all the fuckin' time. Buffalo were gigantic things! We killed them! Nothing happened. (Maddox scoffs) Pandas are huge. They got killed; nothing ha-...dinosaurs got killed; nothing happened. These are just little stupid bugs! That...piss off everyone.

Maddox: What do you mean, "nothing happened"?? They got extinct! That's a thing that happened. 

Dick: But it hasn't affected anyone. (Maddox scoffs and laughs) Like, I don't wish there was a bunch of buffalo around. 

Maddox: Buffalo is no longer on the endangered species list. BECAUSE...because, we started eating it. That's true. Look it up, shitheads. ('ding!' sound effect) (applause sound effect) Especially you vegans who keep arguing with me. Buffalo is no longer on the endangered species list because we started eating it again, and because there was a demand for it, we started harvesting it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We started growing it. Now there', for the first time in over a decade, buffalo is no longer on the endangered species list. You wanna save lions? Start havin' lion tacos. (Sean laughs) 

Sean: Here's an interesting thing that I just read recently about the buffalo, though. I understand there's only 3 distinct breeding...uh, herds of true buffalo, where none of the DNA has been polluted by cows. 

Dick: I thought you said this was interesting. (Maddox and Randy laugh)

Sean: Oh, GOD. (muttering) No, so I'm, the real...real real buffalo, 100% buffalo, is more rare. 

Maddox: Yeah. 

Sean: Than -

Maddox: (interjects) No, you're true. (Dick chuckles) You're true, Sean. 

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Er, that's true, what you said. 

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Good point. Anyway, guys -

Sean: (interjects) Fuck you, Dick. 

Dick: Look, this is the worst problem on the list. Dude, mosquitoes are the it just me that has a problem with mosquitoes?? 

Maddox: No, a lot of people do.

Dick: Like, I've had to sleep in my bed, I've had to sleep with a sheet over my entire body. Like, holding my arms out like a starfish and my feet, because fuckin' mosquitoes keep flying in my ear wakin' me up every night.

Maddox: Oh, there's...when they buzz in your ear? (Dick sighs) There's NOTHING more disgusting.

Dick: No.

Maddox: It makes my skin crawl. I don't know what point this happened in my life, but I have stopped giving a shit about insects. I used to look for something to roll up and hit 'em with. Now I'm just using my fist. I just pound the fucker, or I slam it, or I mash it with my thumb, and sometimes I just sit there and stare at its guts on my thumb. I'm like, "Yeah, you like that, shithead? Huh. Yeah." And then I lick it. 

Dick: That's pragmatic.

Maddox: Yeah, it's very pragmatic. 

Dick: Uh, this is a serious question. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Can you get AIDS from a mosquito?

Maddox: No.


Dick: Okay. (Maddox chuckles) Are you s-...

Maddox: Any... (guffaws) Any other questions?

Dick: Are you 100% sure? 

Maddox: Yeah, that was a big fear in the '80s and '90s. It turned out to be unfounded, because the AIDS virus dies very quickly outside of the human body.

Dick: How fast? 

Maddox: Uh...

Dick: What if I'm, like, having sex with someone with AIDS, and a mosquito bites them, and then that fast enough? 

Maddox: If you're having sex with someone with AIDS...

Dick: I'm kidding.

Maddox: Uh, y-... (groans quietly) (background laughter) Their bites are super itchy. That's annoying. You know, there are different types of mosquito breeds, too. There are mosquitoes I experienced in Europe that don't just bite you once and then buzz off. They bite you along a track on your arm. So you look down on your arm and you'll see a bunch of little dots right next to each other, and you're like, "What the fuck happened to my arm here? Look like a fuckin, uh, heroin addict."

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: "A junkie over here." And it's a mosquito, 'cause they'll sit there and keep biting you over and over and over again, same fuckin' mosquito. Or maybe there's a bunch of 'em. But then, I've seen these mosquitoes sometimes that get so thick and so big and so bloated with blood that they can barely fly. It's disgusting. 

Dick: Yeah. It is disgusting.

Maddox: They're disgusting creatures, yeah.

Sean: You ever whack one and have this big blood smear?

Maddox: Augh. I hate that. If I see that they're big and they've just eaten, I try not to. I try not to whack it unless I have something. I don't want...even if it's not AIDS blood, I don't want blood on me. (chuckling) Especially coming from an insect's belly. Unless it's that insect's, and that insect was a mom. Anyway. That's my problem. 

Dick: It should be at the top of the list. 

Maddox: Yeah. Mosquitoes!

Sean: Vote 'em up. 

(closing riff starts) 

Maddox: Anyway guys, yeah. My problems this week were Helicopter Parents and Mosquitoes. 

Dick: My problem's the Job Lynch Mob. Go vote up Mosquitoes. (Maddox laughs)

(closing riff)


Voicemail (male caller): Oh my god, did Dick say that the food we eat every day is less harmful than drugs? That's fuckin' bullshit.

Maddox: (laughs) He said "more."

Voicemail: I've never fucking OD'ed on a cheeseburger. (Maddox laughs) FUCK MARC MARON! 

(message ends)

(everyone cracks up)

Dick: I don't know!! 

Maddox: Ahh. A little, uh...little rejoinder there. 

Dick: Yeah. Oh, this one...this one might be good. (plays next message)

Voicemail (average male voice): Hey, um, this is Anita Sarkeesian. 

Maddox: Oh!

Voicemail: Um, I'm just calling in because I think Dick...

Maddox: (snickers) She calls in often.

Voicemail: brought in a great problem this week. Um...

Dick: Thanks.

Voicemail: I think that autocorrect is a huge problem, but the one thing you didn't talk about is how much it objectifies women. 

Dick: That's true.

Voicemail: Autocorrect takes away the voice of women in society...

Dick: Hm.

Voicemail: ...and oppresses them. So I still wish that you'd brought that up. I woulda given you an upvote, but I'm not gonna be able to do it. Bye-bye.

(message ends)

Maddox: Hm. See, that's why you leave the satire to the pros. (both laugh) 

Dick: That's it.

Maddox: Oh, you're -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, there's just a ton of LSD call-ins.

Maddox: Oh, of course. (switches to dumb voice) "Well actually, Maddox, uhh, it cures cancer. Uhh, beh beh." (cuts off voice) Yeah, look guys, I've seen the research. I...I get it. I know you like to do your fuckin' drug. Don't fuckin' preach to me. I d-... (scoffs) I just don't give a shit. You guys all sound like the same fuckin' dumbass stoners. 

Dick: Eh, I think next week's gonna be a lot more LSD calls again. (smiling) 

Maddox: Good.

Dick: Somehow, I'm predicting it.

Maddox: Fine. Bring it. 

Randy: Call in *on* LSD. 

Maddox: Yeah, why don't you guys call in on LSD? See how functional you are, you...fuckin' tripping idiots. Yeah.

Dick: You're functional on LSD. 

Maddox: Are you?

Dick: Yeah! It's just like being drunk and high at the same time.

Maddox: Oh, okay. Great. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's what we want. More drunk, high, idiot callers.