Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 82
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock and Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST.
(Biggest Solution theme riff starts)
Today's show is brought to you by our OWN bonus episode.
(Sound clip starts)
"Dick: Do you…do you see your computer as an extension of your dick? That's a real question."
----
"Dick: Have you ever named a computer?
Maddox: Oh, I name all my computers.
Dick: Okay. There we go. (they laugh)
Maddox: I name my hard drives. Are you kidding me?
Dick: (inaudible) You name your hard drives? (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah! My E Drive is called Fat Bitch."
----
"Maddox: We're doing the big apple contest.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: The big apple-eating contest we teased a long time ago.
Dick: Thank God.
Maddox: It's happening.
Dick: We can finally determine scientifically whether or not Red Delicious apples are mealy as fuck."
----
"Dick: Disgusting. That is mealy as fuck.
Maddox: I don't know how you fit it all in that tiny little mouth of yours! (laughing) Mimimimimimimi!!! (they laugh)"
----
"Maddox: If I created keys that worked for their house, right? Perfect replicas of their keys, and then didn't use them.
Dick: Hmm. And that's okay?
Maddox: That's…that's a better analogy. Yeah, why not? (Dick cracks up)
Dick: You need to go to jail."
----
"Maddox: I did get kicked out of, uh…high school, and uh…band, from touching a computer.
Dick: Kicked out of high school?
Maddox: No, uh, suspended.
Dick: SUSPENDED?! WOW!!!
Maddox: I…I got suspended and I got banned from ever touching a computer again.
Dick: For what?"
----
"Maddox: Uh, income-based fines.
Dick: (giggles) Ridiculous.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Yeah. Ridiculous. Lemme tell you ridiculous, asshole!
Dick: Ooookay. Yeah."
----
"Maddox: I appreciate the Hoover Dam more because there are ghosts. The ghosts of the fallen construction workers.
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Who…Hoover Dam!!
Sean: You must…
Dick: Falling off of it?
Sean: You must jack off at the Great Wall. (they crack up)
Maddox: Shut up, Sean."
----
Now available at http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Long Goodbyes, to Telling Lies! (Dick chuckles) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy? (grins)
Maddox: Sean, our audio engineer. Guys, 5 million downloads! We did it!!
Dick: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeahahahah!!! Alright!
(Sound effect: Applause)
Maddox: We finally cracked that 4 million ceiling.
Dick: Great!
Maddox: Finally.
Dick: Congratulations.
Maddox: Thanks.
Dick: You smell terrific. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Is that, uh…because I just had nuts in my mouth? (they chuckle)
Dick: Hey, speaking of embarrassments. That apple test…that we did in the bonus episode…
Maddox: Right.
Dick: I don't wanna give away any spoilers, but that did not go well for you, did it?
Maddox: (stammers) You know what? Eat shit! (Dick laughs) Eat shit, Dick! And Sean! That was the most bunk t…you know what? Yeah. No spoilers! (they crack up)
Sean: I was just gonna say that. (they cackle)
Dick: Look, you've had 24 hours to buy it!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, Sean brought in some of the apples for that test. We won't give anything away…
Dick: Thank you so much, Sean. For buying those apples.
Sean: Yes, you're welcome.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Thanks for pickin'…you…yeah, you know how to pick 'em, Sean.
Sean: Yeah.
Maddox: Although…although.
Sean: That's…yeah. I knew this would be my fault.
Maddox: (laughs) Oh, it's everyone's fault but mine, buddy.
Sean: Uh-huh.
Dick: Randy fucked up as well.
Maddox: Randy fucked up. YOU FUCKED UP! Sean fucked…
Dick: I fucked up?!
Maddox: Oh, you fucked up!
Dick: What did I do?
Maddox: You were the biggest fuck up!
Sean: If it doesn't go his way, the whole fucking thing is rigged. (Dick chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah. We're deleting that episode. (Sean laughs) No, you're deleting it, Sean! So, uh…I will say this. I have a new favorite apple. And it is not what you might expect.
Dick: Ohohohoho!!! (Maddox laughs) If there's ever a reason to buy bonus audio content…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's to find out what….
Maddox: What my new favorite apple is.
Dick: What your new favorite apple is.
Sean: It's called the Bohemian Sandy. (Sean and Dick chuckle)
Maddox: No…….(stammers) shhhhh…fuck. Alright, guys. Laaaast week, the biggest problem in the universe…
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: Was…Not Enough Organ Donors!!!
Dick: Oh, that's good.
Maddox: Hey!!
(Sound effect: Applause)
Maddox: That's actually a real problem! I'm surprised. That's great.
Dick: Thank God we didn't bring in something stupid on the same episode, to…to give Not Enough Organ Donors a chance to shine.
Maddox: Oh, yeah? To counter that out?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, followed by…Human Driving Directions.
Dick: That's a…that's a big problem! Everybody hates that!! (Maddox belches) Everybody hates human driving directions.
Maddox: And then…Superhero Obsession, which…(stammers) wait, before we move on, though. The…human driving directions, Dick. Someone linked to a song by Psychostick. Um…about human driving directions. Have you heard the song?! I…I p…
Dick: (interjects) No, but this is about to be a big problem of mine. People showing me songs online.
Maddox: Why is that?
Dick: I just…it's like…making me…it's like holding me hostage. Taking my time from me. Making me sit there…and then the pressure to react!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Is also tremendous! I'll bring it on another episode.
Maddox: I don't think…I don't think there's any pressure for this song, Dick. I think you'll like it. I linked to it on the front page of our website, if anyone wants to listen to it. But…check this out. Here, I'll just play a little bit.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Listen to this.
(Clip starts: Psychostick singer screaming "GIRL DIRECTIONS! GIRL DIRECTIONS!"
Female voice: "Okay, so this is how you get here. You're gonna want to take the 202, to…the 101 North…
Dick: 202.
"…Don't get on the 60, though, or else you're totally gonna be going the wrong way."
"GIRL DIRECTIONS! GIRL DIRECTIONS!!"
Dick: Oh, girl directions!
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
"You're gonna wanna get off on exit Coleman-Fowl. Um…er, no wait, that's at McEllo.. it…it's Mcsomething. And then you make sure…that you stay to the left while you're turning right, 'cause you're gonna need to go left right after you turn…oh, wait, hold on. That's my other line."
"GIVE ME THE FUCKING ADDRESSSSSSSS!!!!" (Maddox and Dick crack up) "JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING ADDRESS, YOU BITCH!! GIVE ME THE FUCKING ADDRESS!!! (they laugh) I'M USING A GPS!!"
"GIRL DIRECTIONS! GIRL DIRECTIONS!") (clip ends)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway. That's the song. The…I figured you would appreciate that.
Dick: I have a problem with both of them.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: From men and women.
Maddox: Yeah. W…
Dick: 'Cause guys always wanna give you a shortcut. It's like, "Okay."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "You don't have a shortcut."
Maddox: No.
Dick: I know...I know that your shortcut necessarily means you take twice as long to get there.
Maddox: The only time I've gotten directions that were human driving directions was where they acknowledged that the GPS is better in GENERAL, but they said, "For some reason, the GPS is not finding this address." And, uh, it was like a new buil-
Dick: (interjects) Oh, it was a new street or something like that?
Maddox: Yeah, new street, new building.
Dick: Yeah, that'll happen.
Maddox: Yeah. Um...anyway! Then followed by Superhero Obsession. Everything was a problem last week. Superhero Obsession was another problem. Uh, it came in third, and then Lines came in fourth, but still a problem.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause it's also a solution.
Maddox: Lines?
Dick: At the same time. Yeah.
Maddox: How is that a solution?
Dick: Well, it...'cause...without a line, you'd have a mob.
Maddox: Yeah, or take a number. How 'bout take a number?
Dick: That's a...that's a line, though.
Maddox: No it's not! You just sit down! You take a number. You're not standing in a line, you're sitting down!
Dick: Are you sitting in a circle? You're sitting on a bench.
Maddox: You're sitting on a b-...
Dick: A bench is a line.
Maddox: No! You're sitt-... (stammers) Have you ever been to jury duty?
Dick: No!
Maddox: Okay. (laughs)
Dick: Remember? I ignored the notice. And I've got several more notices that say they're gonna arrest me, and I've also ignored those.
Maddox: Okay. Well, for anyone who's not a felon... (Dick and Sean laugh) If you go to jury duty, you just sit down in a big room with a buncha seats, and -
Dick: (interjects) In a box.
Maddox: Yeah, a big box!!
Dick: Or do you? I don't know.
Maddox: Vote... (cracks up) Vote up b-...vote up boxes! Or square tubes, or whatever it i-... (giggles) (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Oh, someone said that they were surprised you didn't like lines.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause a box is basically six lines. Right? Or 10 li-...I don't know. How many...
Maddox: It says here -
Dick: (interjects) How many lines do you need in a box?
Maddox: I got the comment. It's Alonzo Larios. He says, "I'm surprised Maddox brought in lines as a problem, as boxes are nothing more than several lines joined together." (laughs)
Dick: Uh, here was a good one. Krag Zargon...although I think I disagree with him politically, for the most part. "This episode: Dick tries driving to a shooting range..." Which I did. I told the story last episode where my life coach and I tried to go shooting, and we were stymied by dirt roads. The last two miles or so of our trip was dirt roads that my car could not traverse. Uh, and we did try, but we failed. "This episode: Dick tries driving to a shooting range, but is surprised to find that the road was made by libertarians. " (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: It's true.
Maddox: That's a libertarian road, man!
Dick: That's true!
Maddox: Can't make 'em do anything! Don't wanna intrude in their lives. (giggles)
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: Just, "Oh, go ahead! Make a fuckin' roa-..." Ah, sure! Fuck it. No...no oversight, no regulations...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...no laws. (Dick shrugs)
Dick: I think Krag said it better. (everyone laughs) I also screwed up by saying "horsecock." I brought in Sam Jacobs, who needed a kidney.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Uh, she commented on the post page.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: She was promoting her...uh, food truck.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Instead of... (chuckles) ...her kidney. I thought she woulda gone for the kidney post, but she went with the food truck post.
Maddox: Ohh, was that...?
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: I saw the food truck thing in there. I didn't understand what the, uh, the reference was.
Dick: Hey, you know? You got your moment in the comments, right? You gotta go for what's important to you.
Maddox: Well, you know what? Maybe she's trying to get a successful business to help pay her medical bills, hmm?
Dick: That could be. I don't know.
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: I hope she is successful. But her boyfriend, Horsecock, is not the one who sent us the barbecue sauce. I accidentally slammed, uh...that was Dr. Smoothrod.
Maddox: Ohhh, Dr. Smoothrod.
Dick: I fucked that up.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Yeah. It was not Horsecock. It was Dr. Smoothrod.
Maddox: I'm...completely lost. What are...who are we talking about here? (cracking up)
Dick: Dr. Smoothrod sent us the barbecue sauce.
Maddox: He is Butt Sanchez's friend, right?
Dick: Yes, and now people are saying that after Butt Sanchez's tantrum after the Trump episode, he should be referred to as "Butthurt Sanchez."
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up) (Sean laughs loudly in the background) Yeah. Yep, yep.
Dick: Which, I don't know.
Maddox: And for anyone who's just listening to the show, Butt Sanchez is a longtime listener.
Dick: Yes. (chuckling)
Maddox: He and his friend Dr. Smoothrod sent us a care package a long time ago with a bunch of barbecue sauce that broke in the package.
Dick: Did the one...? The barbecue sauce that survived, have you...have you eaten any of it?
Maddox: Not yet! I can bring it out right now.
Dick: Oh, I ate some of the ones that he said are specifically for me.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Where he called me a pussy or something like that, and he said, "This one's for you." I love it!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: It's great! I put it on everything. I made some wings a couple weeks ago, me and the lady.
Maddox: Oh? (smiles)
Dick: We pulled out the "Colon Cleanser"...barbecue sauce?
Maddox: Oh yeah? (Sean laughs in the background) Is that your idea of a romantic, uh, romantic dish? "Here, lemme make some hot wings, baby."
Dick: Yeah, baby. Clean that out.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: Clean that...clean that out.
Maddox: Ugh.
Dick: Blow it all out.
Maddox: Then you have...then you... (cracks up)
Dick: I got some serious pipe to lay.
Maddox: Ew. (giggling)
Dick: I'mma put on a construction helmet and liber-...show you how a libertarian lays some pipe. (laughs) (Sean grimaces and laughs)
Maddox: Ugh.
Sean: ALRIGHT. Come on! (in background)
Maddox: That's...that's a -
Dick: (interjects) There's no oversight HERE. (everyone laughs more)
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: No regulations here!
Maddox: No regulations either.
Dick: In this pipe-layin', darlin'. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeeeah! It's leaky... (both giggle)
Dick: Yeah, OH yeah. (Maddox laughs) (Sean grossed out and laughing) Leakin' the whole time!
Maddox: Sprays...oh, gross.
Dick: There's gonna be some environmental disasters here. You're gonna have to throw these sheets away.
Sean: Ugh. (in background)
Maddox: Still drizzling. Always drizzling. I got a comment from, uh, Ángel... (pronounced "An-juhl") or is it...it might be "An-hel." He's, uh -
Dick: (interjects) It's probably "An-hel."
Maddox: I think it's "An-hel." (Dick laughs) Or it might be. It's Ángel Andrés Cataño Flores.
Dick: Okay. Joke name.
Maddox: He says...Sean, this is for you: "Happy not deleting the podcast for 50 episodes straight, Sean!"
Sean: Heeeey! (happy)
Maddox: Yeah!
Sean: Things are lookin' up. (Dick scoffs and laughs)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: He says, "Happy deleting-the-podcast anniversary, Sean!" A lot of people commented. That's the anniversary.
Sean: Really??
Maddox: Yeah, that was the anniversary.
Dick: Yeah. Or this one is, because we can't tell based on the deleted episode.
Maddox: Yeah. Or -
Dick: (interjects) Like, there's no anniversary mark that's clear-cut. It...was it the deleted one, or was it the next one?
Maddox: Right. And we may never even know, because this episode may get deleted. (Dick laughs) We don't know.
Dick: We don't know.
Maddox: We don't know. Sean...
Dick: Nothing is certain.
Maddox: That's, uh...what is that, 52 weeks with no accidents! Right??
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: 52 weeks, no... (cracks up)
Sean: "No accidents."
Dick: No accidents. (smiling)
Sean: It's like I'm fuckin' being potty-trained. (Maddox and Dick giggle)
Maddox: Sean, next time you delete a fuckin' episode, we're gonna rub your nose in it. For sure.
Dick: (scoffs) Oh, good luck. (both laugh loudly) I've tried to...I've broke...I really fucked up my hand punching Sean in the ass, one Super Bowl. (Maddox giggles) Do you remember that?
Sean: No.
Dick: When me and you got in a fight?
Sean: No.
Dick: After Super...I was really pissed off...I think I lost a bunch of money, and the special episode of "House" that was on after the Super Bowl was not up to my expectations, so me and you started getting into a wrestling fi-...fisticuffs match, and I punched you really hard in the ass and fucked up my hand. He's got a rock-hard ass over here. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Wow!
Dick: So be careful.
Sean: This story is not gonna play well for us in the comments.
Dick: What do you mean? What's wrong with punching your male friend right in the ass?
Sean: You got a wrestling match, and that's...yeah.
Maddox: Oh, between havin' nuts in my mouth and your ass, I'm... (laughs) ...sure we've given them a heyday with, uh...
Sean: Uh-huh.
Maddox: With soundbites they can use to make shitty, snarky songs about us. Which -
Dick: (interjects) Hey...
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: I've got a...real quick, last comment. Um, I wanna try to help you, Maddox, with, uh...with your future.
Maddox: Oh, okay. (skeptical)
Dick: 'Cause you talked about lines and how you enjoy cutting them.
Maddox: Ye-...uh...
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Not "enjoy." (Dick scoffs) I do everyone a favor. It's a benefit!
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So you selflessly...
Maddox: Selflessly, yes.
Dick: ...cut lines when you think the line isn't moving pro-...? Uh, Sean's brother Brandon actually sent me several articles where people have been stabbed cutting lines.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: How do...
Maddox: You know, there are idiots out there! You can't control vi-... (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Well...
Maddox: Everyone's a...you can't control every violent ape that's standing around who has a fuckin' disproportional, unreasonable response to someone cutting in line. What, you STAB them? What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Dick: Well, y-...yeah! That was the...that was the point we were...I was trying to make.
Maddox: And by the way, I don't cut; I skip. I don't...
Dick: What is that?
Maddox: I'm not CUTTING in line. I think cutting in line is rude! People are standing in line behind you and you just come up and cut in line?
Dick: So what is skipping the line?
Maddox: Skip it! I just go...I just go inside.
Dick: Oh, you go directly to the front...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...without waiting in line at all?
Maddox: I just...I don't...I mean, it's not even the front. I just, like, COMPLETELY circumvent the line. No, I'm not standin' in lines.
Dick: "Argument over cutting in line at a McDonald's leads to a butt stabbing in Florida."
Maddox: Uh-oh. That...you know you -
Dick: (interjects) This could be your future! I'm the ghost of Christmas line-cutting...line-skipping future over here.
Maddox: You know that guy wasn't Sean. He wouldn't have gotten through that, uh... (laughs) That hard, thick ass of... (giggles)
Dick: No, that blade would've bent like Superman if you tried to stab that ass.
Maddox: Right off that hard ass. (Dick laughs)
Sean: Fuckin' Kevlar with a trauma plate. (Maddox laughs more)
Dick: Yeah! A gyro line? You... (grumbles) I don't know.
Maddox: What's a gyro line?
Dick: Do you like gyros?
Maddox: What is that?
Dick: A line to get gyros.
Maddox: What?!
Dick: A trial...the man accused of fatally s-
Sean: Gyros? (pronounced "heroes")
Maddox: Oh, gyros! Did you... (laughs)
Dick: Is that how you say it? Gyros? ("heroes")
Maddox: Gyros.
Sean: Yeah, it's Greek.
Dick: Gyros?? Euros?
Maddox: It's "yeeros."
Sean: Yeah, like -
Dick: (interjecst) Like "Nguyen"?
Sean: What?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Like "Nguyen"?
Maddox: Not at all like "Nguyen."
Dick: No! Like, 'cause Nguyen has a 'G'.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And you say it like "yuh." So it's "yeeros"?
Maddox: It's...yeah, it's the Greek gyros. "Yeeros." "Yeeros"
Dick: Okay, so similar. (Maddox scoffs and laughs) Not "no, not at all."
Maddox: Well, the..."Nguyen" is a Vietnamese pronunciation.
Dick: So these are "Nguyeros"?
Maddox: "Yeeros"!
Dick: Do I have that right?
Maddox: Gyros.
Dick: Cut in line at a popular midtown...*gyro* (pronounced correctly)...and chicken cart; told the officer who arrested him that he was acting in self-defense. (Maddox snorts) Took place around 4 AM.
Maddox: Self-defense, 'cause he cuttin' in line for a gyro?!
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox giggles) 'Cause they just...they just ignored him, but after they drove off with their food, this guy chased him in his "white Lexus SUV." I don't know why they put that in the article.
Sean: Hm. (in background)
Dick: And pulled him out at a red light, and uh...and stabbed him.
Maddox: Entitled! Entitled shithead. That's why. It's the same as the Mercedes driver I talked about in the Bonus episode.
Dick: Yeah. (unsure)
Maddox: Oh, which, um...I forgot to play this during the bonus episode, but it's pretty cool, so I'll play it now. This is a song...
Dick: Oh! Okay.
Maddox: ...that a fan sent in. It's from @gooseboat. He sent this to me on Twitter. He did a chiptune mix of the bonus intro. This is kinda cool! Check it out.
(8-bit rendition of "The Biggest Solution in the Universe" theme riff)
Dick: That is cool.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Aw man, that'd be a good game.
Maddox: Right??
Dick: He's takin' you back.
Maddox: I just wanna be fighting the mother alien in "Contra."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Aw, that'd be so cool.
[remix fades out]
Dick: Who would be the bad guy for the solutions episodes? Who's the most voted-down...? Probably Uber. Probably my surge pricing thing.
Maddox: Surge pricing...
Dick: Solution.
Maddox: Uh, it would be...it would be -
Dick: (interjects) Ronald Reagan?
Maddox: Ronald Reagan, yeah.
Dick: Possibly is a bad guy for the solutions video game.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, bad guy. Bad pr-...bad solution.
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Ah, let's see...I got a comic from James Callan. He sent this in...he sent this in a while ago. Uh, "Yo Dick, they say you should paint what you love, and nothing gets me rock hard like libertarian theory and Honeycrisp apples. Check it out." In light of the apples test. I don't know if you wanna see this.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Pretty cool. "Mad Maddox II: Attack of the Libertarian Apple Consortium."
Maddox: It shows Dick sitting in a yoga pose with his... (cracking up) What's that, the peace...? Almost like the Buddha fingers, up in the air?
Dick: I don't know what that is.
Maddox: Like you're about -
Dick: (interjects) It's two fingers straight up. It's -
Maddox: (interjects) Like you're about to finger an elephant's pussy. (Dick chuckles) And then I'm standing -
Dick: (interjects) An elephant?!?
Maddox: An elephant, yeah. (Dick laughs) And...and -
Dick: (interjects) Why an elephant?
Maddox: Huh?
Dick: Why an elephant?
Maddox: (stammers) I don't know what kinda women you're dating these days. And then... (laughs with Sean)
Dick: (chuckles) You think...fat women will stand up, and you maneuver under them, and...? (smiles)
Maddox: Well, if they lay down, then...I dunno. Um, what am I...? I'm standing in the back with my hands on my -
Dick: (interjects) You're wearing a "Contra" shirt.
Maddox: Oh, "Contra." Okay.
Dick: And you're really pissed off about apples, for some reason.
Maddox: Yeah, really pissed off.
Dick: And I got...there's an "anarchy" -
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, this is the comic! Okay, yeah. It's the full comic.
Dick: Yeah, this is the comic. I mean, we can po-...I'll post the comic on the website. I don't know if you wanna go through any of these on the show. This guy, this gentleman with a mustache says, "I love apples, but there are so many choices! How do I know which apple is right for me?" (Sean giggles in the background) Then... (cracks up) Then you swoop in with, "I've got your apples right here, buddy!" You do sound like that.
Maddox: Yeah, that sounds like me.
Dick: That's a pretty good likeness.
Maddox: That's a pretty good likeness, yeah.
Dick: There you go. Then...
Maddox: Ohhh, that's so cool!! (both laugh) My... (giggles more)
Dick: Maddox is coming in with one eye bulging out of his head. (Sean and Maddox laugh loudly) Muscled like, uh, one of the...who's...? Like, the -
Maddox: (interjects) Like Zangief!!
Dick: Yes, like Zangief, but not as much hair.
Maddox: It says, "RED DELICIOUS IS BACK, BABY!!! YEAH!!! YOU CAN TASTE THE...POLY..."
Dick: "Polyphenols." (smiles)
Maddox: "...THOSE POLYPHENOLS???" (giggles) That's cool, and I'm punchin' some SUCKER.
Dick: And then he tries to eat one of the R-...and he goes, "It tastes..." The guy says, "It kinda tastes like mealy garbage." (Sean laughs in the background) Which it does. "Can I just pay more for an apple that tastes better?" Maddox says, "No."
Sean: Hm. (in background)
Dick: Or do you wanna read that line?
Maddox: Yeah, no, j-
Dick: (interjects) This is the gr-...this is the most accurate dialogue of you I've ever seen in my life.
Maddox: Okay. (irritated)
Dick: Here, I'll...then there's this close-up of Maddox with what he must think is a clever look on his face. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah, it looks real... (cracking up)
Dick: And he reads the following... (laughs)
Maddox: ...real clever. I like it a lot! It says, "Actually, that..." (both giggle)
Dick: Already gold!!
Maddox: Yeah. It says, "Actually, that's what we smart people call a 'sunk cost fallacy.'" Yeah!! It's a sunk cost fallacy!
Dick: Oho, my God. (chuckles)
Maddox: "Sometimes paying more doesn't get you a better product. That means Red Delicious apples don't taste like mashed-up caterpillar colons." That's right!! That is...that does sound like somethin' I would say.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Very accurate picture. James Callan, was it? Huh?
Dick: Yeah. "Don't talk about supply and demand..." He continues talking about the economy on this one. (Maddox giggles) Then I show up... (chuckles) ...with a libertarian, uh... (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, Captain Libertarian.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning) With a WWF belt on.
Maddox: Oh.
Dick: With a big capital 'L.'
Maddox: Yeah, we'll post that on the website. That's funny.
Dick: The 'L' stands for "fuck the government." You know, it continues. There's a little tease.
Maddox: 'L' stands for "loser." Loooosers. Losertarians! That's what they are. (cackles) Losertarian!! That's pretty good. (Dick sighs) Hey. (buzzer sound effect) Whoops. (background laughter)
Dick: I'll play you some voicemails. Here.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: Ah, 'ding.' Well done. (Maddox snickers) [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): So I like how Maddox, the most sarcastic and bitchy person on the Internet...
Maddox: Bitchy?! (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: ...doesn't like a character in a show because she's too sarcastic and bitchy.
Dick: The way you say it!! (giggling)
Voicemail: Are you fucking kidding me? If you saw a girl like that in real life, you'd probably jizz right into your "Lobo" underwear. (everyone bursts out laughing) What a schmuck. And you really think I'm gonna take your opinion seriously on films or TV when you mention Leprechaun 4: In the FUCKING Hood? (more laughing) Ughhh. Get a LIFE.
Maddox: Oh... (giggles more)'
Voicemail: And Dick? You're okay.
[message ends]
Dick: Oh. (smiles)
Maddox: Ohhh, he -
Dick: (interjects) So that's because he didn't like that superhero show Ricki Lake last week, or something like that?
Maddox: Yeah, Jessica...Jessica Lake, Jessica J-..."Jessica Jones."
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: That's what it was, yeah. Which a lot of people in the comments, and this totally backfired, but a lot of people in the comments were like, (switches to idiot voice) "Hey, uhh, Maddox, I looked up 'Jessica Jones' 'cause you talked about it on the podcast, and...I watched I buncha episodes and now I really like it." (cuts off voice) I've created fans for this fuckin' show now!
Dick: Maybe it's good!
Maddox: With Dr. Purple. And then people are like, "Hey Maddox, he's not Dr. Purple, IDIOT." (angry voice)
Dick: Oh, we got a new fan voice! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That's my bitchy fan voice!!
Dick: Ohhhoho.
Maddox: (yells) 'Cause you guys are bitchy! I'M not bitchy! YOU'RE bitchy.
Dick: Ohohohoho, okay. (laughing uncomfortably)
Sean: You know what? Just because you talked about it last week, I did watch a couple... (Maddox groans) I think I got through, like...2 or 3.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: And she IS sarcastic with every line.
Maddox: Yeah! It's just totally unlikeable, right?
Sean: Yeah!
Maddox: They even call it out in Episode 1 or 2. The guy...one of her neighbors, she said something sarcastic to him and he says, "Sarcasm is a way of distancing yourself from other people."
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: Yeah, and that's all she fuckin' does in that show!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: She distances and distances. I get it, okay? You're a bruised apple. (cynical) (Dick laughs quietly) Alright? You're a Honeycrisp. We get it.
Dick: Yep, we got it. (both laugh)
Sean: Mhm. (sarcastic) She's not likeable.
Maddox: I got a co-...no, not likeable at all.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: I got a comment from Alexander Prenter. He says, "Maddox: 'Super heroes are like the Greek gods and legends.'...and then he proceeds to name Roman gods and heroes. GET IT RIGHT FUCKFACE!!"
Dick: What, we named...Roman gods? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I guess we named Roman gods. Oh, yeah, big fuckin' difference. (Dick laughs) They all...they're basically the same ones. They changed their names. They have the same super powers.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Same SHIT. And by the way, I got so much flak in those episodes about... (switches to idiot fan voice) "Uh, Maddox, infantilism! You're complaining about infantilism, yet you play video games!" (cuts off voice) Still, you idiots -
Dick: (interjects) Here, let...I'll play that voicemail about that.
Maddox: Oh, great. Let's hear it!
Dick: If you wanna respond to it.
Maddox: Let's hear this BITCH. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey, Maddox! (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: Uh-oh.
Voicemail: (speaking slowly) This is my problem with your...um, super hero obsession problem. (brief silence)
Maddox: Yeah?
Voicemail: You see... (silence) You think...
Maddox: Augh, spit it out, man. (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: ...escapism is a form of infantilism.
Maddox: Never said that!
Voicemail: But every fuckin' hobby is escapism. Escaping your ho-...I mean, escaping your problems...
Maddox: No.
Voicemail: ...to specifically, you know, relieve stress or somethin'. Whatever you like, your hobbies.
Dick: That's kinda true, right?
Maddox: No.
Dick: No?
Maddox: Mm, no.
Voicemail: I'm pretty sure Dick doesn't...I mean, doesn't shoot guns specifically to think about all of the... (inaudible) ...comin' to America, man! No! (Dick laughs) He's like, "You know what? It makes me happy, and I don't think about my problems."
[message ends]
Dick: Yeah. What do you think about that?
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical) Well, okay. So I never said that, um, escapism was a problem.
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: And I never said that infantilism was necessarily escapism.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So for example, a hobby that is not escapism, or doesn't necessarily have to be one, is building a ship in a bottle. Right? A lot of people like to do that, it's relaxing. But it's also not...you can still pay attention to your kids and your life and your worries. Like, you can still have that, um...
Dick: While you're building the ship in the bottle. (grins)
Maddox: While you're building a ship in the bottle!
Dick: How... (laughing)
Maddox: Because it's -
Dick: (interjects) How many people do that, do you think?
Maddox: Ah, I don't know. I think it's an older-person hobby.
Dick: I think... (giggling)
Maddox: Or like, putting together puzzles.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: It might be relaxing for you, but you're not doing it to avoid your responsibilities. You don't -
Sean: (interjects) Do you like to sit and scrimshaw, too? (Dick laughs)
Maddox: What is that?
Dick: What is that? Oh, yeah.
Sean: It's carving on sperm whale teeth.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: What?!
Sean: Yeah!
Maddox: I never even heard of this.
Sean: It's an old sailor thing.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Oh.
Sean: Yeah.
Maddox: No, that's wei-...no. That's weird. Um...
Sean: Look it up!
Maddox: That...I don't need to. You just told me. (laughs)
Dick: Well, look it up for fun.
Sean: Some of it's cool! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: It's my new hobby! I'll just look up things that Sean says.
Dick: Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: Um, yeah. You know, hobbies can be satisfying and rewarding, not necessarily infantilism. Escapism, uh, is totally...I'm not criticizing the superhero genre for escapism. And by the way, I still like lots of superhero stuff, but infantilism is more nuanced than that. It's not any certain...it's not one specific thing that you do; it's how you do it, and why you do it. Right?
Dick: Yeah. Lemme ask you this.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: If we...if I brought video games in with the same logic as the superhero obsession, what would your thoughts on that be? Seems like...seems like people are mostly hitting on the point that you criticize other hobbies, and yet have escapist hobbies of your own.
Maddox: No, it's not that I...I'm not criticizing these hobbies for being escapist. The...if you brought in video games, 'kay?
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Here's the problem with, uh, that I have with video games, is when people project way too much social influence at the behest of video games, because of and as a response to video games.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: That's when I have a problem, because that's...that verges on video game worship. Like for example, there's a lot...the big trend in video game criticism right now is feminist critique of video games.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: And they say that it has a huge influence on society and culture, and it affects the way we think about women, and it affects the way we think about gender, and... (Sean groans) All these thi-...
Dick: Dude, "Xtreme Beach Volleyball 3" got really...got shut down in the US!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: How 'bout that?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: My favorite game series.
Maddox: So putting that importance on this medium, which...I mean, there's, first of all, no evidence. You don't have any evidence to show...and it's really difficult to prove! How do you even show that somebody playing a video game that doesn't have a strong, uh, female role, or maybe has women characters as decoration, or whatever...whatever weird argument you'd wanna make, right? You have to then take...draw a line from that argument and make a thread all the way to some real-world repercussions, and that is a very tenuous and difficult argument to make. That's the problem...and that's when video game worship can become a problem. And this doesn't really have much to do with infantilism. Infantilism is the avoidance of responsibilities and...and pressures as an adult in favor of doing childlike things, or regressing your state to a childlike mentality.
Dick: Alright. Um...wanna see my Christmas tree? I put... (both laugh) I put a Christmas tree up.
Maddox: Alright, let's see your Christmas tree, Dick.
Dick: I made all the ornaments myself. You wanna get a load of this?
Maddox: Let's see this.
Dick: I think fans will like it too.
Sean: Did you just hang beer cans on it?
Maddox: Ohhh, jeez! Is that...?? (both laugh loudly) Dick's got this tr-...for a Christmas tree, which, first of all, looks...a little too stubby. It's a little too stubby around the bottom.
Dick: Christmas trees are expensive, man!
Maddox: They are expensive. But I mean, you gotta spend SOMETHIN'. And then at the very top he's got Donald Trump. (laughing) Donald Trump with the...wearing his hat that says "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN." (Dick and Sean laugh)
Sean: Oh, God! (in background)
Dick: That's my tree topper.
Maddox: Trump is such a JACKHOLE. (Dick guffaws) He's such a fuckin' idi-...every week -
Dick: (interjects) Trump on a tree, man! That's great!
Maddox: Trrrru-...Trump on a Tree. (grins) (Dick laughs) Is that like Elf on a Bench? Or what is it, Elf...?
Dick: Elf on the Shelf.
Maddox: Elf on the Shelf, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Alright.
Maddox: Trump on a Stump!!
Dick: You wanna get some...you wanna get some problems goin' here?
Maddox: Let's get some problems. What's your first problem, Dick?
Dick: My first problem is Daylight Savings Time.
Maddox: Daylight -
Dick: (interjects) Or as Sean corrected me before the fuckin' show started, Daylight SAVING Time. I -
Sean: (interjects) I was bein' really pedantic yesterday.
Maddox: Yeah, you were.
Dick: Ohh, my GODDD.
Maddox: I was gonna make a point to always say it "Daylight SAVINGS Time," because it bothered Sean.
Sean: It doesn't bother me.
Dick: Look...
Maddox: Hm, huh! (giggles)
Dick: (chuckles) Look...
Sean: Go ahead! Say it! I'LL say it.
Dick: Look...look.
Maddox: What?
Dick: N-...why...why are we giving ourselves an hour of jet lag twice a year? Why are we doing that? Why are we doing this? Nobody likes this. Daylight Saving Time, do you like it? Savings Time. "Saving" sounds weird! It's gotta be "Daylight Savings Time."
Sean: No, I know. No, it was...started as "saving," but I know. Everybody says "savings." I do too.
Dick: Everyone fuckin' hates it. Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Do you like it??
Maddox: No.
Dick: Do you like...do you like eating dinner in pitch black?
Maddox: No, it's awful.
Dick: For half the year?
Maddox: No.
Dick: It's awful, and it's stupid.
Maddox: It's silly.
Dick: I hate it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's a huge problem. WHY...why...why are we doing this? Allegedly to save energy??
Maddox: Eh, I've heard a number of different reasons. I have heard reasons from harvesting, uh, what...it's a relic from harvesting days.
Dick: That's false. I looked it up.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's false.
Sean: Nonononono, you're thinkin' the wrong way. Yeah, the...farmers are against it.
Maddox: Yeah. Well...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh, and then I thought about it in terms of actually having more daylight, et cetera, et cetera, but then...to me, it's just a big delusion. We're just hoaxing ourselves.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: We're thi-...we're convincing ourselves that we have more daylight hours just by changing our entire fucking time system.
Dick: Well, why wouldn't all these factories that are supposed to be saving all this energy just opt to start work at different hours?
Maddox: Yeah! There you go.
Dick: Like, they're the one paying the bill.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: So they're like...this is how this conversation goes: "Hey, um...hey, uh, GE, you guys could save a lot of money if you just started work an hour earlier. How 'bout that?" And GE's like, "Go fuck yourself."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "We know how much we're spending in money." "Okay, well, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna change e-...we're gonna change TIME."
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: "So that you don't have a choice."
Maddox: Right.
Dick: What are you gonna do, tell everyone to come into work late? Like, what... (stammers) What kind of scam has been perpetrated on us?? If you really think about how stupid and farcical this whole time shifting thing is?
Maddox: Yeah. It's insane!
Dick: It's a fucking joke!!!
Maddox: And the amount of time it takes to just change the time on all these fucking devices...we've got easily over 300 to 600 million electronic devices, and that's an underestimate, I'm sure.
Dick: Dude, let's say it's 10 minutes, that you gotta change every device?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's like a billion dollars.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: For everyone who has to do it. How much... (stammers) I don't know what you could make in 10 minutes, but cut it off your schedule and see how much it is. It's a shitload of money.
Maddox: It's a shitload of money, shitload of time, and for what? I've heard all these explanations and reasons, and none of 'em are true. It's just a relic. Actually Arizona, the state of Arizona in the US has held out. They refuse to do Daylight Saving Time.
Dick: Arizona and Hawaii.
Sean: Hawaii, as well.
Maddox: And Hawaii.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Good. And there was one other...there's this weird -
Dick: (interjects) I grew up there! It was awesome!
Maddox: What, in Hawaii?
Dick: In Arizona.
Maddox: Oh, Arizona?
Dick: Yeah! Moving to LA was like, "What the fuck is this?!"
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "What do you mean, 'Daylight Savings'?" So how much better does this make everybody else than Arizona?
Maddox: I feel like half the year, it's too dark, and half the year is...is lighter than usual.
Dick: I got a...awesome graph for what you're talkin' about. Okay. This is Daylight Saving Time as it's currently observed. It's got the hours for an acceptable sunrise time. Like when the sun rises, is this an acceptable time for the sun to rise?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And when the sun sets, is this an acceptable time for the sun to set? 'Cause it feels like...for half the year, it feels like we're living in Alaska, here.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: It sets at like 4:30.
Maddox: It's awful. It's like Sweden. (laughs) In Sweden, the sun sets at like 3 PM.
Dick: It's depressing, man!
Maddox: It's depressing. Wait, so what is this, a survey?
Dick: So...
Maddox: They asked people what the acceptable time range is for a sunset or sunrise?
Dick: Well, I think this is like saying, um...if it's...if a reasonable sunrise time is defined as 7 AM...
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: ...the grid, as it gets purple, means it's worse.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: So if you're living in a purple area, you will hate life.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And if you're li-...and contrary-wise, if you're looking for sunSET at a reasonable time, this is where you live. And you'll notice here that we live in orange.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: So we're fucked. In fact, the entire West Coast is orange.
Maddox: Um, okay. It could be...it could be worse, but uh, yeah. We're not in the purple area.
Dick: Well, sure.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It could...yeah, it could be worse!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: We could start 8 to...we could say, uh, 5...we could call 1 AM "5 PM". How 'bout that?
Maddox: We're about right in the middle, yeah. We're about right in the middle, I think.
Dick: Yeah. So HERE is...here's another interesting graph. Here is what it would look like if Daylight Savings Time were abolished. Look at that.
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: Less purple!
Maddox: Less purple.
Dick: A lot less purple.
Maddox: It'd be better for most people. It doesn't look like a lot of change for us because it's orange, still. But, uh, still, I...you know, at least it's better for more people.
Dick: Yeah, and here's what it would look like if there...if Daylight Savings Time were always in effect.
Maddox: Oh, it's awful.
Dick: So Sean was telling me...oh, no n-...but look at the sunset time! Dude, FUCK sunrise.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Who cares about sunrise?
Maddox: Yeah, no one's up.
Dick: Nobody.
Maddox: No.
Dick: Start work later.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's all you got...in fact, go from 8 hours a day of work to 6 hours a day. Start at 10, leave at 5.
Maddox: Absolutely.
Dick: Right? Easy solution for that.
Maddox: There was a study done a while back, too, about the time that we all go to work. Uh, because we all have rush hour traffic, and that's why they call it "rush hour traffic," 'cause everyone's goin' to work at the same time. They did a study, and they found that if they staggered the time that people went to work, even just by 30%? Like you know, for some people?
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: It would cut down on traffic so much. It would save millions of dollars, people would be happier...
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: Shorter work days, all these things...all these things that factor into it, and this is another one of those things. Like, we just cut it out, it's just gonna be less stress for everyone.
Dick: Stop changing the fuckin' time!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: We don't need it! There's no reason to do...why do we EVER...like, why is this just accepted as a thing we all have to do the next time it rolls around?
Maddox: I'd be curious to see...I mean, they always do it on Sundays now so that it's not going to impact people's workdays as much, but I'd be curious to see the amount of...like a dollar figure on how much money and time is wasted with people missing schedules.
Dick: I got all these fuckin' stats for you, dude.
Maddox: Oh, let's hear this. (chuckling)
Dick: I got all these fuckin' stats: heart attacks increase by 25% the morning after.
Maddox: What?!?
Dick: Yeah! Heart attacks. And then they drop by a comparable amount when we skip back.
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: Like, you push it fo-...when you push the time...
Maddox: Ohhh.
Dick: The time goes backwards, everybody panics. Right? 'Cause you don't get -
Maddox: (interjects) Everybody panics. You lose an hour!
Dick: People are havin' heart attacks!!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It is literally KILLING people.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Changing your fuckin' clock. As it should be.
Maddox: By wh-...you said by 25%, increase?
Dick: 25% compared to other Mondays.
Maddox: That's significant.
Sean: I'll bet you have...I'll bet you have car accidents on there, too.
Dick: I do. And...so the heart attack risk *falls* by 21% later in the year. So we're increasing heart attacks by 4% every year.
Maddox: Wow.
Dick: For whatever the purpose of this dumb holiday that we do is!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, wrecks: 17% increase in traffic fatalities on Monday after the clocks spring forward.
Maddox: Wooow.
Dick: So now technically, that's moving into Daylight Savings Time, but I don't care, because this is changing the clock. Daylight Saving Time means changing the clock. Like, it... (stammers) Leave it...it doesn't matter when it is, Daylight Saving Time.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: The fact that we have to change the clock one way or the other is called "Daylight Savings Time."
Maddox: Right, right.
Dick: But leave it on or not, the problem is that we fuck with the clock, and fuck with the thing that's most important to people!! Like, I'll give up sleep for sex, but I do so at a tremendous penalty for the rest of the next day.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: You know?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You're tryin' to stay up at night...
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: ...maybe you drank a little too much whiskey, tryin' to get to some...tryin' to get this leather... (Maddox snickers) ...to turn into somethin' more? Tryin' to get some rebar outta this leather? (Maddox laughing) You know what I'm talkin' about?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, "Aohh, fuck. I'll keep at this for another couple hours."
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: Eh, the old...
Dick: But the next day -
Sean: (interjects) The old whiskey dick.
Dick: (chuckles) The old whiskey...yeah.
Maddox: The old whiskey dick.
Dick: Happens to all of us.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: Happens to all of us.
Maddox: WD.
Dick: Uh, airlines: costs...it costs $147 million for airlines to move...so we elongated Daylight Savings Time at one point.
Maddox: I don't remember that. Was it during our lifetime?
Dick: Me either. I th-...yeah, I think it was in...
Maddox: I mean, what...
Dick: ...2007.
Maddox: When I was a kid, none of this really mattered as much, because...I mean, it sucked to have to wake up early to go to school, or...you know, for some reason havin' extra hours.
Dick: Speaking of school, uh, observed SAT scores were 2% *lower* in areas where students had to deal with Daylight Savings Time.
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: Versus not. So, I guess just Arizona and Hawaii.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But that's pretty...that's pretty telling. We're making kids dumb by screwing with their sleep. (Maddox chuckles) It is making kids dumb, and it is saving a negligible or negative amount of money.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Because people are running their AC longer and their gadgets and lights and shit when they get home. There you go, man.
Maddox: That's, uh...so is there a reason? In all your research, did you find a reason that people...that politicians say we're still doing this?
Dick: No! No. The reasoning given at the outset was to save money and, like, factories and manufacturing.
Maddox: It's...
Dick: However, I don't thi-
Sean: (interjects) And fuel.
Dick: Yeah, and fuel...and fuel for lighting.
Sean: Sure!
Dick: Yeah. But I -
Maddox: (interjects) Ohh, I see. So -
Sean: (interjects) Came back in World War II. We had it around the turn of the century, I think.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: It was...uh, maybe around the time of World War I -
Dick: (interjects) But people said, "No, fuck you. We're not doin' it."
Sean: Yeah. It was repealed or cancelled, and then back to World War II.
Maddox: So the argument can be made that if the day...if the workday started when there's more light out, and it gets warmer sooner, it'll save money in heating and cooling costs.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Is that what the argument is?
Dick: Yes.
Maddox: Oookay. Yeah.
Dick: However, studies in Indiana and pla-...studies have shown -
Sean: (interjects) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, you're s-...it's at the end of the day. That's what...when you spring forward, it saves it at the end of the day. You're not saving the fuel at the beginning.
Maddox: Well, if the day start-...if it starts to get warmer...like, let's say you move...you spring it forward by an hour, and then you go to work when the sun rises up, right? And then it gets warmer during the day, so you have to spend less money on heating costs, and then when you roll back an hour, it gets darker quicker.
Sean: Right.
Maddox: Right? And then you have to spend less money on cooling costs.
Dick: Mhm.
Sean: Yeah!
Maddox: So, somethin' along those lines.
Sean: I mean...
Maddox: That's the argument, right?
Sean: That makes sense.
Maddox: But it's a wash with all this other...with all these other statistics.
Dick: Oh, it's totally...and it's...even in the cases where it works...
Maddox: It's even worse, yeah!
Dick: ...it's like .18% of energy costs were saved in the middle of the country, where energy is FREE.
Sean: Yeah. It's a way bigger pain in the ass than any benefits. It doesn't even sound like there's any benefits.
Maddox: No. I used to write for a TV show on Current TV, which is...I don't even think it's around anymore, but -
Dick: (interjects) They were bought by Al Jazeera, weren't they? Somethin' like that?
Maddox: They WERE bought by Al Jazeera, yeah. I...it was Al Gore's network.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: For a long time, and they wanted me to come in and write on one of their shows for a long time, and...I wrote for them for a little while, and they had this...the show that I worked on did a segment about this, uh, this state with 3 different counties, where one was Daylight Saving Time and one was not, and then another one was also Daylight Saving Time and on the border of Central and Mountain Time. Some ridiculous thing. So in that state, you could have... (chuckles) You could have, um, 4 different time zones, depending on where in the state you were.
Dick: Great. (sarcastic) Yeah.
Maddox: So they... (laughs) So they did a whole bit where they would jump on one side of the county line and they'd be back in the future. (both cracks up) And then they would ask, like people for stock tips and things like that. It was kind of a funny segment. But it just goes to show how crazy and ridiculous things can get, especially when people...you know, choose to opt in and opt out of these, uh, these Daylight Saving Time regulations.
Dick: Yeah. $400 million is what it costs. People getting fucked u-...people's sleep schedules getting fucked up, missing work, wreckin' their cars, having...
Maddox: That's pretty significant. I think -
Dick: (interjects) $400 million? Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah. That's pretty significant. That's a big -
Dick: (interjects) Each year?!
Maddox: Big chunk o' change. The only one... (chuckles) The only of those stats that I thought was not very compelling was the 2% about the SAT scores. Kinda negligible. But the rest of that stuff -
Dick: (interjects) But it's our kids!!
Maddox: Oho, that... (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Oh, my GOD.
Maddox: Oh! (dryly)
Dick: Oh m-...if it was 2% of kids getting molested, THEN you'd have a big problem with it. Right?
Maddox: It IS 2% of kids getting molested! (giggles)
Dick: By the government.
Maddox: Oh, okay. (Dick laughs) The worst kind of molestation, right Dick? (smiles)
Dick: Okay, here's, uh, here's...here's a positive, though.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: $200 million of sales of barbecues happen because of the extra month of Daylight Savings.
Maddox: Umm, how...what?? Why?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Because there's more daylight? Is that what it is?
Dick: I guess so.
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: That's what the barbecue consortium says.
Maddox: Okay!
Dick: They were lobbying for more Daylight Savings. (laughing)
Maddox: Oh, were they really? (grins)
Dick: Fuckin' barbecue people.
Maddox: The fuckin' barbecue people!
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Yeah, Big Barbecue.
Maddox: Big Barbecue. (laughs)
Sean: Always tryin' to fuck the little guy.
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: Look, let's just fall back every year. Fuck leap year. No more leap year. We'll just fall back with the clocks, and every 4 years everything'll work out. Or who CARES if it doesn't work out?!? Who...why... (stammers) Why do we have to keep track of time at all?!
Maddox: So fuckin' satellites don't fall out of the sky, Dick! It's pretty important! (everyone cracks up) We need...we have to have very accurate time so that shit stays in the sky.
Dick: I don't think they have Daylight Savings. Satellites?
Maddox: Satellites?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No, man. They're...ice-cold calculating machines.
Dick: We gotta...Trump's gotta get on top of this, Daylight Savings.
Maddox: Ohh, boy.
Dick: I want him to come out ver-...when we spring forward, I want his Twitter to be lit up with, "The Chinese started Daylight Saving Time."
Maddox: "I don't want Daylight Savings. It's not good, and we should kill the families of the people who invented it." (surly Trump voice)
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: That sounds like...
Dick: We should.
Maddox: That...you know, that might very well be the next Trump headline.
Dick: Good!
Maddox: Every week, some...
Dick: I would support it.
Maddox: ...jackassery comin' outta that guy's mouth. "Make America Great Again." (muttering)
Dick: Big problem.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Big problem! Everyone hates it!!
Maddox: Yeah! Uhh, yeah, I can't...I can't defend it. So, although...so $200 million-plus for barbecue sales.
Dick: Why would you wanna defend it?! It's horrible!
Maddox: No.
Dick: It's a pain in the ass!!
Maddox: No. There's no...there's no upside except for the barbecue thing. So you have, um, $200 million in sales in barbecues.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: And then you have $400 million in costs, so it's a $200 million cost net.
Dick: Cost, yeah.
Maddox: Right. But the death thing is very -
Dick: (interjects) I don't think that $200 million in barbecue sales happens every year, though.
Sean: Well, there's gotta be other, you know, industries or businesses that benefit from it.
Dick: Who?!?
Sean: I mean...well, it's...
Maddox: Sunscreens.
Dick: Who would benefit from a random change in time??
Maddox: Sunscreen companies. How 'bout that? (smiles)
Sean: There you go!
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: I like it. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Beachwear companies. Skateboard shops. Oh, people w-... (chuckles)
Dick: Yeah. Well, maybe. I don't know. (muttering)
Maddox: "Hey, we got an extra hour. Let's go buy a skateboard." (giggles) You know what really sucks about this, though, Dick? And I'm surprised you didn't bring THIS up, though, is it screws with last call at bars.
Dick: I was gonna bring that up.
Maddox: When the fuck is it last call anymore? In fact, it was just Daylight Saving Time and I was at a bar, and everybody was confused! Everyone...there was a beeline at the bar for people asking them what time the la-...the cutoff is. No one knows anymore!
Dick: Well, you get an extra hour of drinking in the fall..
Maddox: Do you?!
Dick: Yeah, 'cause the clock goes backwards.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: EXCEPT, it goes backwards at like 3 P-...3 AM.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So it fucks you!
Maddox: Yeeeeah!
Dick: Because it goes after last call, it ticks back.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Again, this is...every state gets to pick its own thing, whether they even wanna do it or not.
Maddox: Yeah. They do that specifically to fuck drinkers.
Sean: Is it -
Dick: (interjects) Fuckin' Schwarzenegger should've fixed this when he was in office. That son of a bitch. (under his breath)
Sean: Is it Lake Tahoe? That, uh...where it goes from Pacific Time to Mountain Time and there's bars on both sides, and people on the later side go back over to the California side?
Dick: Wow.
Sean: To drink an extra hour?
Dick: I didn't know that happens.
Maddox: Oh, I heard somethin' like that.
Sean: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Hmm. (shrugging)
Maddox: Huh! Interesting problem, Dick.
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Good problem.
Dick: I got some graphs and some stats. Did a pretty good job.
Maddox: Yeah!!
Dick: On this one.
Maddox: I really liked it, and you even found some counterarguments to your own argument! Holy shit! (grins)
Dick: Yeah, that was dumb. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Oh, the GOLF industry says that the additional month of daylight has meant another $400 million in revenue. So, golfers and barbecue salesmen. That's who this helps.
Sean: Yeah, 'cause you can play...you can play longer later before it gets dark.
Dick: Oh, God. Fuck...fuck these people.
Maddox: Okay. Guys, I got the real biggest problem in the universe, and this may be exacerbated by Daylight Savings Time. I don't know.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Slippery slopes!
Sean: Mmm. (in background)
Dick: Ohhh.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Slip and fall. This is a big problem.
Maddox: Guys, they're murder on your back, am I right? (laughs to himself)
Dick: What? (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Slippery slopes! They're murder on your back!
Dick: Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. (Maddox giggles more) (Sean groans)
Maddox: There are types of slippery slopes, guys. There are, um -
Sean: (interjects) Can we do that again?
Maddox: What's...? (giggles) You wanna... (inaudible)
Sean: That joke.
Dick: No, he was kidding.
Sean: I'm being an asshole.
Maddox: Yeah. (grumbles) That's new. Alright. (laughs with Sean) Guys, lots of things make floors slippery, like oil, huh? Food...food spillage? Wa-
Dick: (interjects) Wait, do you mean literally slippery slopes?
Maddox: Well, those are problems.
Dick: Okay. (Maddox giggles to himself again)
Sean: That's...I...that's not what I thought he meant either.
Dick: God dammit. No, me either.
Sean: Yeah.
Maddox: Water, ice; these are all things that make floors slippery!
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: But the worst kind of slippery slope is a rhetorical one.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: Yeah. (muttering)
Maddox: Ehh? (smug)
Sean: Goooood.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Am I right? (applause sound effect) Yeeeeah. Rheto-
Dick: (interjects) I hate these fully. (Maddox laughs) I hate these...these things.
Maddox: Why do you hate these...these things?
Dick: Anytime someone online brings up, like, "That's a fallacious something," I'm like, "Oh, fuck you."
Maddox: Why?
Dick: "Go...go eat them."
Maddox: Why?? Why do you...? Why -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you knew what they...either you knew what they were trying to say or you didn't. I think people abuse it. They're like, "Oh, slippery slope! Slippery slope!" Like, "So what? Is it necessarily bad that it's a slippery slope? Do you know what he's trying to say?" It's fuckin' t-...it's hard to have an argument in 140 characters.
Maddox: Well, yeah. Twitter's...Twitter's a shitty format to have any kind of conversation or debate. I hate talking on Twitter.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But when you're arguing with someone and they make a fallacy, especially a slippery slope one...
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: ...eh, things can get really...really dangerous. And by the way, I just did a quick Google News search on the words "slippery slope," and there are SO many headlines across the country of both political sides blaming each other...
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: ...for making slippery slope arguments. One of the biggest problems with slippery slope arguments -
Dick: (interjects) Do you wanna define what it is first?
Maddox: Yeah, let's define it. Good...
Dick: I didn't wanna derail your thing. It just annoys me.
Maddox: No, that's a good call. Um, this is from the website Nizkor.org. It's the...it's one of the first links that come up when you search for it. It says, "The Slippery Slope is a fallacy in which a person asserts that some event must inevitably follow from another without any argument for the inevitability of the event in question."
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: And this is from YourLogicalFallacyIs.com. This is a fun website. It's really snarky. When someone makes a logical fallacy, you just send them, "Hey, your logical fallacy is: Slippery Slope."
Dick: Oh, this is exactly why I hate them.
Maddox: Oh, it's so much fun. (grins) (Dick laughs) It's so much fun. Listen to this one. This is from that website. It says, "The problem with this reasoning is that it avoids engaging with the issue at hand, and instead shifts attention to extreme hypotheticals. Because no proof is presented to show that such extreme hypotheticals will in fact occur, this fallacy has the form of an appeal to emotion fallacy by leveraging fear. In effect, the argument at hand is unfairly tainted by unsubstantiated conjecture."
Dick: Mhmm. (wearily)
Maddox: That's what it comes down to. And the important key here is an EXTREME hypothetical. Right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So if something...you're afraid of something happening because of some extreme outcome. And one of the classic examples we have that, uh, in politics today, is about gay marriage. Well, I mean, that debate is settled now. (Dick cackles)
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: But -
Dick: (interjects) What is the...what is the slippery slope fallacy for gay marriage?
Sean: Farm animals are next.
Maddox: Yeah, exactly!
Dick: Ohhh.
Maddox: That's what it is, Sean!
Dick: You marry farm animals?
Sean: Just...marry everything!
Dick: Kids will get turned gay?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah?
Sean: It rubs off. You didn't know that?
Dick: I don't know. Does it??
Maddox: Big Gayness?
Sean: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No, it doesn't rub off. (scoffing)
Sean: No, that's what...I've heard you can catch it in the air.
Dick: Even a little bit?
Maddox: You can catch... (cracks up)
Sean: Yeah.
Maddox: A little...I mean, you can rub a gay...a gay person.
Dick: Off.
Maddox: Is that what...? Off? Yeah, you can...
Dick: Yeah. (grins) (Maddox giggles)
Sean: I'm so sorry I said that.
Maddox: Yeah. We're gettin' a lot of soundbites from this one.
Dick: You don't think there's a kid who would maybe see it and go, "Oh, I'd give that a shot"? (Sean snickers)
Maddox: Uh, I... (stammers) I have a friend who was curious as to -
Dick: (interjects) Oh boy, here we go.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: "I've got a FRIEND...who was really curious about rubbing a gay guy off."
Maddox: It was a guy I know. (grinning) (Dick giggles) No, but for real, this friend of mine, uh, was really open-minded about his sexuality, and he thought, "Well, I might...maybe I'll...maybe I'm gay!"
Dick: Sure!
Maddox: "Maybe I'm, uh..." You know, and he decided to -
Dick: (interjects) Question everything! That's critical thinking, right? (Maddox laughs) Every straight guy who follows this show should be blowing guys every once in a while. (grins) Maybe they're gay!!
Maddox: You gotta know for sure! (Dick guffaws) Only one way to find... (laughs)
Dick: That's the straightest thing you can do, is suck a guy off...
Maddox: Suck a g-... (cracks up)
Dick: ...and then keep being straight.
Maddox: Yeah!! Oh, that's a fu-...that's a fuckin' fact. (Dick cackles) ('ding!' sound effect) That's the...that's the TRUTH. (giggles)
Dick: Line 'em up!
Maddox: If you blow a dick... (Dick laughs) ...and you're straight after that?
Dick: You are straight.
Maddox: You are STRAIGHT. You're the s-...
Dick: You're straight. (grinning)
Maddox: You're straighter than any straight dude who's NOT blown a dick, for sure.
Dick: Yeah! (Sean giggles in the background) (Maddox cracks up) That's true!!
(brief silence as Maddox can't stop laughing)
Maddox: Uh... (guffaws) So I have this friend who said, uh...one day he said, "You know what? I don't know if I..." He said, "I'm...I've always FELT straight, but maybe I'm gay. I don't know!" (Dick giggles hysterically) And he decided...yeah. He decided to...
Dick: You have weird friends!! (squeaking)
Maddox: ...look at gay pornography.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Okay? And, which -
Dick: (interjects) Then he's gay.
Maddox: You know, uh... (Dick laughs) You know...yeah, and he looked at gay pornography, and then he also decided to try to masturbate to it. (Dick chuckles uncomfortably) And he said he couldn't, and he said, "That's when I knew I was straight." I'm like, "Wha-..." (breaks down laughing) Well! Well, that's a really weird way to go about -
Dick: (interjects) So does that...does that mean...? Yeah, if he would've...if he would've been able to masturbate to gay pornography, would he have started dating guys?
Maddox: I don't know. I think he was -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause that's... (chuckling)
Maddox: I think he w-
Dick: (interjects) That's a big leap!
Maddox: I think he was also going about it wrong. I don't think you sh-
Dick: (interjects) Masturbating?
Maddox: Well, a lot of things.
Dick: Okay, like what?
Maddox: Well, first of all...
Sean: (interjects) You think you've gotta go the full pull? (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: What...what do you mean, Sean??
Dick: What does THAT mean?
Sean: I mean, like with...with a real person?
Maddox: No, no.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah! Trying to kiss a guy is less gay than looking at gay porn and trying to masturbate to it. Like, wouldn't that be -
Maddox: (interjects) Is *less* gay?! Or more g-...it's more gay.
Sean: I will say this.
Dick: I don't know!!
Sean: He wasn't afraid to find out.
Maddox: Yeah, he wasn't afraid to find out. He's definitely not a homophobe, so there's that.
Dick: Well...
Maddox: You know? He's, like, gettin' up in there.
Dick: Yeah. He gets...
Maddox: He's, like...he's watchin' it!
Dick: Okay. (shrugging)
Maddox: That's pretty deep...that's pretty deep gay territory. Actually, the first gay...the first porn I ever watched was gay. Lesbians!
Dick: Lesbians.
Maddox: Yeeeah!
Dick: Yeah. (hesitant)
Maddox: Couple o' gay-ass lesbians... (snickers) ...scissoring! (giggles) It was so cool. Anyway, um...oh! It was, uh, "Sex-Starved Fuck Sluts 13." That was the p-... (breaks down laughing)
Dick: Oh my GOODNESS.
Maddox: That was the first...one of the first pornos that my friends and I all chipped in to buy. Um, anyway! So, he...you kn-...there's a real simple test if you're gay.
Dick: (interjects) "Chipped in to buy." So you shared this with everybody?
Maddox: Eh, yeah, I...yeah.
Dick: Did you watch it together?
Maddox: Uh, the first...yeah, the first time. Yeah.
Dick: I've never done...I don't think I've ever done that. Watched porn with a guy?
Maddox: Yeah, it's a really weird f-...yeah, it's really weird for a lot of people to hear that, uh, that I've watched porn with my guy friends, 'cause they all think that we have to sit there with boners and rubbin' one out. I'm like, "No, we're not getting boners!"
Dick: Well, wait a minute. You're not getting boners??
Maddox: No, I wasn't gettin' a boner! I wasn't sittin' there with a hard-on watchin' this thing, and...
Dick: Why are you watchin' it, then?
Maddox: It's...hilarious and fun.
Dick: Hmmm.
Maddox: And then boobs. Like, there's a lot of reasons to watch porn. Sometimes it's just on in the background! Got a couple of pornos goin'. What?
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Yeah! (Dick snickers)
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: We used to have our "Corn-and-Porn Wednesdays." That wa-... (laughs)
Dick: And you'd watch porn with your friends?
Maddox: Yeah! We'd get soup and then watch porn! It was... (laughs with Sean)
Dick: I think that would make me very uncomfortable. Like, I don't want my porn sweats coming out and getting...and my pheromones soaking into the air, and then Sean's touching them, with...like, walking through a mist of my musk. This...this all sounds disgusting!
Sean: Can just hear Maddox: "MOM!!! MY SPAGHETTI-O'S!" (Maddox and Dick laugh) "And my pornography!!" (more giggling)
Maddox: You make it sound like it's so weird, but it's not THAT. It was at my friend's house, and his parents were out of town. We just watched pornos!
Dick: Just throw on some porn! (smiles)
Maddox: (stammers) We'd make, uh...it was the "Corn-and-Porn Wednesdays," and we would go to the grocery store, the Food 4 Less. We'd buy...I'd buy a can of stew, or some corn...and some corn...
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And I'd put the corn in the stew, I'd have some soup, and we'd watch porn! It was, like, a thing. We just...
Dick: Yeeeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Soup would also be the last food I would eat.
Maddox: Eh, I was hungry.
Dick: With...okay.
Maddox: I really like soup!
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: Yeah. Back then, I ate soup a lot. Anyway. So back to slippery slopes. (both laugh) I got so many stories about this porn thing. Alright. Um...so the problem is, it's a barrier to action. A slippery slope, right? Because you can't solve problems until you overcome ideological hurdles, and one of them that stop progress dead in its tracks is the fear that acknowledging a point in a debate or allowing something to happen will necessarily lead to some other possible outcome. And the gay marriage one we talked about, which is...you know, it might lead to people marrying animals, their parents, their cars, or bologna, or whatever the fuck people say. The people... (Dick giggles) Yeah.
Dick: Bologna?!
Maddox: Whatever. You know, people are afraid someone's gonna marry...which, again, who cares?
Dick: What would be wrong with that?
Maddox: Yeah, exactly.
Dick: Marry some bologna!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: No big deal.
Maddox: "Oh, it hurts the sanctity of marriage, and then..." (idiot voice) I don't know what then.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And then what? Gay people are getting married. Are straight divorces goin' through the roof? They can't go any higher...much higher, before it's past the 50% tipping point!
Dick: Straight divorces?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I think they're past that. 50%? In young people? Definitely.
Maddox: I...actually, last I heard, about 51%. Just on average?
Sean: I can't remember who said it. I think it was...it was a comedian. He said, like, if you're a hardcore Christian and you're completely against gay marriage, he said, "You have nothing to worry about. Like, God's not gonna let 'em in." (Maddox snickers) You know? Like, he's...
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: You're not gettin' into heaven! Don't worry about it.
Maddox: I argued for a Defense of Marriage activist. Like, you know those DOMA people?
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Defense of Marriage Act? I argued with them. I said, "Hey, um, if you're worried about protecting marriage, why don't you try...why aren't you lobbying to ban divorce?" Right? 'Cause that'll... (chuckles) That'll save a lot more marriages than...um, than allowing gay people to get married.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No answer to...no answer to that. (Dick shrugs) They're like, "Oh yeah, we're tryin' that too, but first let's just try to ban gay marriage.
Dick: Well, yeah, 'cause it's about gay marriage.
Maddox: Yeah. Um, so in most...this is, uh...this is, again, from Nizkor. It says, "In most cases, there are a series of steps or gradations between one event and the one in question and no reason is given as to why the intervening steps or gradations will simply be bypassed. The 'argument' has the following form: if X has occurred, or MIGHT occur," right? "Y will inevitably happen." And Y is usually some extreme...position. Right? Like...
Sean: Yeah. They don't acknowledge any of the bumps in the road going down, or the slope.
Maddox: No.
Sean: There's no roadblocks. No pushback from any other group or anything.
Maddox: No. It's, um…it's actually the root cause of a lot of fear-mongering online. People…use this for fear-mongering. Like, if we let people do…I dunno. If we let…if we let them…(sighs) Like, well…(stammers) you know, not to get political again, but…
Dick: Uh-oh. (giggles) What?
Maddox: No, but the…the re…the refugee argument, or even, like, terrorist argument, you know, if you want to…it's kind of, like, fear-mongering to scare people about a certain group of people, right?
Dick: Yeaah. (skeptical)
Maddox: If…whatever that group may be. In w…in the fifties, it was Japanese people around World War II. We can't let them in our country, they're the enemy, right?
Sean: Well, it was…it was communists in the fifties, and Japanese people in the forties.
Dick: Oh, let's not do politics. Is there any other slippery slope fallacy, or is it just all politics?
Sean: Guns. Gun control.
Dick: Guns are pretty political. (scoffs)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I would say.
Sean: Well…
Maddox: Well, it…it comes up a lot in political debates, and this is the problem, because it shuts down the conversation.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Like, for real, this is what's shutting down the conversation, is slippery slope arguments like this. Like, um…yeah. Guns is a big one. 'Cause the…'cause people…gun advocates don't want to give an inch, because they're afraid you'll take a mile.
Dick: Well, that's true.
Sean: They're afraid that government stormtroopers will kick down your door.
Maddox: (giggles) Well, there you go.
Dick: Yeah!! I…it is true, like, the…
Maddox: Why is it necessarily true, Dick?
Sean: It just reverts to Nazi Germany immediately.
Dick: Because everyone's a crazy asshole.
Maddox: Mmmm. (skeptical)
Dick: Like, everyone's out there trying to make a name for themselves and scaring the shit out of everyone.
Sean: I think they're almost by definition political.
Dick: It's a huge problem.
Sean: Because there's always a group pushing it.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: That fear, or whatever. So I don't think that happens without it being political, to some extent.
Maddox: So there's an argument…there's this article on this website called http://www.registerguard.org. I don't even think it's a news website. But it says, "Zero tolerance on hate speech is a slippery slope." And that's kind of an interesting…position to take.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: What do you think about hate speech?
Dick: I hate it!
Maddox: (giggles) GOOD! Done. Moving on.
Dick: Hate speech? Like…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like what?
Maddox: Well, hate speech. Like, uh…
Dick: Gimme…gimme, like, fice or six examples of hate speech. (giggles)
Maddox: Oh, no problem. (Dick guffaws) I can rattle of TWENTY right here, buddy!
Dick: Yeah? (grins) Like Chinese people are too good at math? Would that be an example of hate speech?
Maddox: That is a stereotype. Uh, no. Hate speech would probably…would be more along the lines of insightful, like, "We should kill all gay people." "We should…we should export Chinese immigrants…or Vietnamese…" This…that would be, like, borderline…
Dick: That's hate speech?
Maddox: I think so. It's…it's…
Dick: I dunno. I have a tough time with all these, like, thought crimes.
Maddox: Well…
Dick: Like, if you're inciting violence, there's already laws…
Maddox: Inciting violence.
Dick: There's already in…laws protecting that. Like, there's already laws about that.
Sean: Well, historically…
Dick: You don't need their motives. Called into question.
Sean: Sorry.
Dick: It's okay, what? Historically what?
Sean: Historically you'd have the, uh…like, the Christians would put on the, uh…I think they're called passion plays, to incite violence against the Jews?
Dick: Yeaah!!
Sean: Passion of the Christ is based on one of those.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I looked up the…the definition of hate speech awhile back, too, and it's not…it's kind of, like, a murky area legally, but, uh…
Dick: Yeah, I don't like that.
Maddox: But, it…(stammer) it ultimately comes down to this. If you are inciting, uh…inciting some kind of violence or violent action, or um, some kind of, uh…um…response towards a large group of people. You're stereotyping them, a large group of people. That would be…that would be considered more or less hate speech. And…
Dick: (interjects) But what about the Iron Sheik? He was…that was awesome. He was awesome stereotype.
Maddox: Uh……pfff. (giggles)
Dick: Right?
Maddox: I…I'm sure everybody agrees with that.
Dick: Yeah! He was great!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Come on.
Maddox: Oh, it's interesting. I read this sociological article about wrestling and how it reflects our times…(Dick giggles) and how…every…in every era of wrestling.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No matter who our political enemy is perceived to be…they always t…drum up an enemy in wrestling…
Dick: Sure!
Maddox: Who represents that political enemy.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Like..
Sean: (interjects) Who is it now, Captain Safe Space?
Maddox: (laughs) It should be!
Dick: Oh, man! That would be GREAT!!
Sean: Is he the champion?
Maddox: That'd be incredible. It's, uh…yeah. In South Park it's…it's, uh, Reali-Tee. What's his name?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You know. That…that episode they did. Um, anyway. This is from this article at the http://www.registerguard.org. It says, "Zero tolerance on hate speech is a slippery slope." And I don't know what exactly that means, because he didn't give any examples of tolerable hate speech. Uh, because I don't know…I don't know! This is kind of, like, one of those areas. What should you tolerate when it comes to hate speech? It says, "It's gotten to the point where even admiration for non-European culture is denounced as bigoted if that admiration blossoms into so-called 'cultural appropriation'. Ethnic food fads are denounced for their insensitivity. Recently, the website http://www.everydayfeminism.com offered the Feminist Guide to Being a Foodie Without Being Culturally Appropriative."
Dick: No eating sausages? Stuff like that? In this foodie guide?
Maddox: Uh, no, well…there was this article that, uh..that went out recently about how there's this college campus that banned yoga. They banned this yoga…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, I saw that.
Maddox: (giggles) This yoga class because they felt like it was culturally appropriating someone else's culture.
Dick: Yeah, I hate that shit.
Maddox: And whitewashing it…
Dick: (interjects) I was gonna bring that in after Burning Man, 'cause, like, there was always a big stink about people wearing headdresses as feathers, 'cause it's culturally appropriating Native American headwear, or something?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um…man, I…I don't care if people are offended by their culture getting appropriated. I guess that's part of it.
Sean: I think we've gone WAY overboard with the political correctness.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, me too. But this isn't political correctness.
Sean: Mmmmmmyeah, it kinda…
Dick: This is a slippery slope.
Maddox: It…it is.
Dick: Oh, it is?
Maddox: This is where you get in…yeah.
Sean: It's…it's intertwined.
Maddox: Yeah, it's intertwined. 'Cause this guy says here, um…this is something I notice. It happens generally more with…with the left. When…when they start to…criticize people as being blanketed…blanket bigots. And being, um…the most extreme version of whatever they're saying.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Like, if someone says something that may be perceived as prejudiced, you just jump to the ultimate conclusion, which, ultimately, is Hitler. You're…(giggles) you're…(stammers) it's only a matter of time before Hitler comes up in that conversation.
Dick: You should start there from now on.
Maddox: Start with Hitler?
Dick: Every argument, just start with "You're Hitler. Here's why."
Maddox: (giggles) You're Hitler.
Dick: "Here's why." First of all, we had Chinese food yesterday. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: But it…it goes on…
Dick: (interjects) Hitler fed the Jews the same thing every day. Nothing.
Maddox: Oh, that's…that's true. That's a bad meal.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: (giggles) It's…it goes both ways, though. Because on…on the…the, uh…the far right, too, there are all sorts of banners and memes, and things floating around on the Internet, of Obama, Photoshopped as Hitler.
Dick: Well, he is Hitler.
Maddox: Yeah, okay. (giggles)
Dick: Obama definitely is Hitler.
Maddox: There you go. Obama definitely is Hitler. George Bush was Hitler. George W. Bush…CLINTON was Hitler. Everyone's Hitler!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Hitler.
Dick: Isn't that more…that's way more fun political theater.
Maddox: Oh…I can't…
Dick: Than not…than trying to avoid Hitler.
Maddox: I can't wait. If…if Hilary gets elected, you…(stammers) I…I'm going to count down the number of seconds it's gonna take before someone makes a Hitlary campaign, or Hitlary pun.
Dick: Oh, it already exists.
Maddox: They're gonna have a hayday with that name. Hmm?
Dick: That definitely already exists.
Maddox: Hitlary?
Dick: Then you could be Super Hitler. Then they're gonna have to come up with a bigger Hitler.
Maddox: Like Robo Hitler.
Dick: For Hilary. Yeah.
Maddox: MECHA HITLER!! (Dick giggles) (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: That's the entire dialogue. Just Hitler comparisons.
Maddox: Just Hitler. Yeah.
Dick: It's perfect.
Maddox: Yeah! So anyway, this article goes on. He says, "By all means, we need more civilized confidence, but demonstrating it only to denounce partisan opponents isn't confidence at all." What he's talking about, this, uh…this slippery slope thing. Um, it goes on both sides, but, uh…lately, it's been politically more…more liberals and the left accusing…like, using these slippery slope fallacies.
Dick: Gotta have their sp…their safe spaces. Eh?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Captain Safe Space. Can't survive. People challenging his ideas.
Maddox: Even Obama came out to denounce that, um…here's what I'm tired of. I'm tired of people…getting offended for other people.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh…that needs to stop. Like…look, man. You think that, uh…it's bad to have a Native American costume for Halloween?
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: Great. You're not Native American. Shut the fuck up.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Let's hear from the Native Americans. 'Cause guess what? Not all of 'em may share your opinions. I have a number of friends who are Chinese or Japanese…
Dick: Okay. (grins) Said every racist, ever. (they crack up) Then what?
Maddox: Well…
Dick: And then?
Maddox: And then…
Sean: Some of my best friends are…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Um, no. But I have a number of friends who are Chinese and Japanese, and…when there was that big uproar. I think it was last year, when they said kimonos, (goofy voice) were, like, the big naughty thing you shouldn't wear anymore, because it's culturally appropriating…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And it's insensitive, bla, bla, bla. I asked some of my Japanese friends, I'm like, "Do you care about this?" And they said, "No, it's kind of flattering that people would want to dress up as…in this Japanese…garb."
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: And it…they don't speak for all Japanese people, but neither do the ones who are offended.
Dick: Well, we need the Emperor of all Japanese people to call in.
Maddox: Yeah. We had the Emperor of all White people.
Dick: And give us the official position. I don't…is that slippery slope, though? You got a lot of things mixed together in this one. 'Cause that seems like outrage porn. A lot of it seems like outrage porn. Like, people are just drumming up headlines.
Maddox: Well, the only reason that that could potentially be a problem is if…you know, the slippery slope argument there is, well, it's racist and it may lead to more racism. Uh…may lead to some racist extreme example.
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: Uh, but there's a lot of slippery slope arguments. I mean, you know, the gun debate's another one. Abortion. Uh, we allow abortion in this country. Why can't we just kill anyone? And then they justify…
Dick: It's a good question! Let's start doing that.
Maddox: (scoffs) Sure.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Retroactive abortions!
Dick: Yeah. It's a great idea. (grins)
Maddox: I…that's part of the regressive…
Dick: (interjects) Non-voluntary euthanasia!
Maddox: Yeah, that's part of the regressive platform! I suggested that. Up to the age of 18. I think 18's the cut-off point.
Sean: There you go.
Maddox: Yeah, it's a good age to abort someone. Up..up to 18, of course. I'm not a monster. Anyway, that's my…(giggles) That's my problem. Slippery slopes. Slippery slopes.
Dick: Hey, well…this, uh..episode is brought to you by..(Maddox cracks up) Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST. Casper is an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. We've had a lot of fans buy Casper.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. They…gotta send the reviews in though, guys.
Maddox: Yeah! Tweet…
Dick: (interjects) Tell me what you think about it! I don't wanna know that you bought it. I know the ads are good. I know the product is good, according to Maddox, at least.
Maddox: I love it.
Dick: Send in your reviews, for God's sake.
Maddox: Send it to…not just us, but also tweet it at Casper, because they read all these tweets! They actually…
Dick: (interjects) I want a whole review. I want a whole review. Go ahead.
Maddox: It's a small company. They actually…they do pay attention to the feedback they get. They care a lot about their product and the customer service is really good, and uh, you know. They'll take care of you.
Dick: Speaking of small. The PRICES are so small, you can barely see them!! (Sean cackles) (Maddox chuckles) Mattresses can often cost well over 1500 bucks, but Casper mattresses cost between $500 for a twin size mattress, $600 for a twin XL, hmm hmm. (snarky) $750 for a full-size, $850 for queen size, and $950 for a king-size mattress. I bought my mattress…the mattress I have now at a mattress store…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, for, like, 2 grand. Upwards of 2 grand? And I am…man. I am not satisfied with it, after several months of being on it? It's digging into my back. It's horribly uncomfortable.
Maddox: Do you have springs in it?
Dick: I dunno what's in it. What am I, a mattress engineer?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, no.
Dick: I dunno what they put in it. It's digging into my back, whatever it is, and it, like, slopes in the middle!
Maddox: Oh, you got a slope already?!
Dick: Oh, I got a slope already!! Right?!
Maddox: Ugh.
Sean: It's amazing how quick that happens.
Dick: Yeah, it sucks!
Sean: Even with expensive mattresses.
Maddox: Do you…and then you have to rotate them every…what, month is it, now?
Dick: I dunno.
Sean: Yeah, see? Yours won't do that.
Maddox: No. I haven't had that problem at all, and I sleep in the same exact spot INTENTIONALLY! Trying to see how…how resilient this mattress is, and it's fucking resilient, man!
Dick: Mattress is made in America. How about that?
Maddox: Hmm.
Dick: Risk-free trial and return policy. Try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns.
Maddox: 100 days?!
Dick: And it comes in a box! It will explode out of the box. It will blow your mind.
Maddox: So cool! Post your videos on…I…I wish I recorded that. I dunno why I didn't have the foresight to record this cool…I didn't think it would that cool! And also, part of me didn't believe it would actually inflate into a king-sized mattress! I was like, "There's no fuckin' way!"
Dick: How big was it when it arrived?
Maddox: It was the size of…I would say, like, three printers on top of each other.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So it was a good-sized box.
Dick: Alright. Check 'em out.
Maddox: You could put…if you curled up into a fetal position, you could probably get inside this box.
Dick: Hmm. Weird.
Maddox: A skinny guy. A skinny guy could.
Dick: Like Charles Manson.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay. You ready for my next problem?
Maddox: Like Charles Manson. (giggles)
Dick: Walking. I got a lot of flak last week…
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: When my life coach and I couldn't get to the gun range…
Maddox: Mhmm.
Dick: Because we were foiled by two miles of dirt road.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: I talked to him afterwards. After getting all the flak online, I…
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: …texted him, like, "Hey, can you check the map for me? Uh, I really hope it was more than two miles, 'cause a lot of these comments are saying, "Hey Dick, why didn't you just walk?"
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And…I…have to admit that that did not occur to me. We just…sat in the car…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Trying to use our cell phones and our devices to alert…to send out the virtual flare. The "Help Me" signal.
Maddox: Couple of goofy idiots!
Dick: Yeah. So I said, "Hey buddy, check that map. It's gotta have been, like, 5 miles. I wanna go into the podcast saying it was, like, 5 miles, 10 miles, something like that?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause you c…you're not walking 10 miles.
Maddox: Mmm.
Dick: Right, to shoot guns? And he's like, "Got it, got it, got it." So he texts me back, "Hey, I checked the map. It was….almost 1 mile." (Maddox and Sean crack up)
Maddox: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT. It can't be that much off the road, 'cause there isn't even…that much LAND anywhere in LA.
Dick: Uh, it wasn't in LA, it was in Corona. I'm PROUD of the fact that we did not think of walking.
Maddox: (scoffs) Why?!
Dick: Walking is something that savage apes do.
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.
Dick: Walking is something that babies do.
Maddox: Vote up monkeys!
(Sound effect: Monkeys hooting)
Dick: And they get congratulated on it. Walking is…walking is for primitive people. When I see food, I don't start stabbing at it with my hands, right?
Maddox: Uh…
Dick: Because that's…that's disgusting.
Maddox: Hokay.
Dick: That should be looked down upon. I look for a fork.
Maddox: Hmm.
Dick: And if I don't find a fork, I wait a little bit.
Maddox: The civilized Dick, yeah.
Dick: I don't star…yes. I don't start shoveling mashed potatoes into my…or cereal.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Into my mouth.
Maddox: Ooooooohhh. Mhmm.
Dick: Right? Or soup, in your case?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You can't…what are you gonna, start digging, sucking it out of the bowl?
Maddox: I use a…
Dick: With your porn on in the background? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I use…I use a spoon or a ladle. Unless you're drinking miso soup, then yeah, you just sip it right out of the bowl.
Dick: I don't walk.
Maddox: Okay. (giggles)
Dick: Walking is just basically falling down.
Maddox: Um….
Dick: And st…and failing at that.
Maddox: Uh, hmm.
Dick: Alright? That's how you walk!
Maddox: That's a really…
Dick: You lean forward, and you're falling, and you use your feet to catch yourself falling! It's constant failure.
Maddox: Uhhhhh, hmmm.
Dick: You think about that! Imagine walking! What do you do?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: You don't…you're not moving around like a Gumby. Like, sliding around. You're leaning forward and then catching yourself as you fall.
Maddox: Yeah, okay. (struggling)
Dick: That's embarrassing. You should be embarrassed walking, period.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay?
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: That's why we didn't walk. And I'm proud of it.
Maddox: 'Cause you're…embarrassed walking.
Dick: 'Cause I'm embarrassed by it.
Maddox: You walk all the time. You walked into the studio.
Dick: I would drive from bed to the bathroom if I could.
Maddox: Yeah. I would too, if I had a segway.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I'd get on…(giggles)
Dick: Okay? That's the future.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'll take Elon Musk's little…stupid tube around.
Maddox: But if I didn't have a segway and I had…uh, I was in my bedroom, and I had a shitload of guns on me…
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And I was really excited…
Dick: Tell me more. Yeah.
Maddox: (giggles) And I was really excited, and I put in all this time and effort and preparation, and sent email back and forth, and watched a bunch of Trump videos to pump myself up…
Dick: Great, yessss. Yeah!!
Maddox: To go shooting in my bathroom…
Dick: Let's do it.
Maddox: Or wherever.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I would walk.
Dick: You would walk?!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Man, I dunno.
Maddox: It's the cost of admission, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, well. (grins)
Maddox: For using your…I know Mr. Leg Day over here.
Dick: You know who else walks?
Maddox: Huh?
Dick: People with AIDS. (Maddox giggles) AIDS walk. (Sean laughs, disgusted) AIDS walks happen all the time.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Well, the majority…
Dick: (interjects) You know? Come on.
Maddox: …of the people who walk in AIDS walks don't have AIDS, Dick.
Dick: Is that true? We don't know that for sure!
Maddox: Yes. We d…(giggles)
Dick: You gotta get tested. Get tested, everybody. (Maddox giggles) Make sure. (Sean giggles) You know who else walked?
Maddox: Wha?
Dick: Famous for walking? Forrest Gump. A retarded guy.
Maddox: (scoffs) Uh…
Dick: Right?! (Maddox giggles) That's who walks.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Not me. I don't walk.
Maddox: There was the Million Man walk, right? The Million Man March?
Dick: No, they marched. They marched.
Maddox: They marched. (giggles) You're okay with marching!?
Dick: Military marches?! Oh, I woulda marched up there with all those guns so fast!!
Maddox: Yeah. That's true. You do goose step a lot.
Dick: Marching is fine.
Maddox: Yeah, you do goose step a lot, Hitler! Hitler!! (giggles)
Dick: You know who else? You know who walks?
Maddox: Who?
Dick: Dogs.
Maddox: Ugh, I don't like dogs.
Dick: Dogs all have to go for a walk. You don't like dogs.
Maddox: No. I…no, man. Oh, man. I got a new fucking dog problem, it's coming in. But yeah, dogs do walk, and so do their owners. You like dogs, though!!
Dick: I love dogs.
Maddox: Why? They walk!! They walk more than anyone.
Dick: I don't like them because they walk. I don't like that.
Maddox: You like them in spite of their walking.
Dick: I want that…yes. I wanna hook them up to a drone and send the drone on the walk.
Maddox: You know, I saw this video of a cat…there was…someone was trying to get a cat to exercise by putting it on a treadmill…
Dick: 'Kay.
Maddox: And the cat just sat down. And then…fell off. And they kept picking it up and holding it there, to the point where its legs were, like, hitting the treadmill, just let it drag…(giggles)
Dick: Kay. Funny. I like that. (they giggle)
Maddox: The cat just let its legs drag…and they kept putting it on the treadmill, cat would just keep falling off. Cats refuse to walk.
Dick: Michael Jackson. Famous for moonwalking.
Maddox: Moonwalking. That's cool.
Dick: Pedophile. Right? (Maddox and Sean laugh) I don't wanna be in that…I don't wanna…
Maddox: Alleged.
Dick: I don't wanna be…yeah. Alleged. Right. Right, of course.
Maddox: Alleged. I know people who stayed at the…um, the Neverland Ranch.
Dick: How old were they?
Maddox: They were children, and they didn't get molested.
Dick: Wait, are you serious?
Maddox: Yeah. For real. I know…I know kids who…they're grown-up now. They're in their mid-20s, but they…they stayed at the Neverland Ranch, and they said Michael Jackson was a total gentleman.
Dick: How did that happen?
Maddox: Um…
Dick: Total gentle…(giggles)
Maddox: I don't wanna give away who…who it is. It's like, you know, kind of a big…
Dick: It's Asterios. I knew it.
Maddox: It's no…(giggles)
Dick: It's Asterios Kokkinos!
Maddox: It's not…I'm not…
Dick: That explains a lot.
Maddox: I'm not speculating about any Asterios molestations that may have happened, but…no. This is, um…it's somebody who's a celebrity now and was a celebrity then. I don't wanna talk about it. I…I don't wanna gi…I don't wanna say who it is. But…
Dick: Well, you didn't need to say the celebrity part! Now that…that makes it even more exciting! (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: I can't…I'm not gonna…I'm not actually gonna say who it is. But…(stammers) I do know…
Dick: It is a man?
Maddox: Uh…ye…(stammers) two…two different people.
Dick: Two DIFFERENT people!
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: It's not Macauley Culkin.
Dick: Is it Macauley Culkin?
Maddox: It's not…it's not Macauley Culkin. That's all I'm gonna say!
Dick: Oh, good guess. Good guess.
Sean: No, he was there. He testified, like, in Jackson's favor, a lot.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Oh, good.
Sean: He said, "No, no. I spent tons of time there, and nothing ever happened."
Maddox: Yeah. Nothing ever happened. I dunno. Anyway. So…so…so that's…we'll put that in the "maybe" column, Dick. Moonwalking, still cool.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And not nece…you're not necessarily a molester if you moonwalk.
Dick: The Hollywood Walk of Fame. A big…joke.
Maddox: (sighs) That is a big joke, yeah.
Dick: Tourist trap. It's a big joke.
Maddox: Yeah. Yep.
Dick: I don't walk.
Maddox: Mmm.
Dick: Okay? Nobody should walk.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: Drive everywhere. If you can't get somewhere with your car, not worth seeing. (Sean giggles)
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: Machu Picchu. Stupid. (Sean cracks up) I've seen it 10 million times on Tinder, don't need to see it.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Well, it is annoying seeing it on Tinder all the time.
Dick: If you can't get there in a car…not worth seeing.
Maddox: Hmm. Okay.
Dick: Great Barrier Reef. Who cares? Seen Finding Nemo. No big deal. (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah, well. Finding Nemo was computer-generated, Dick.
Dick: Probably is better than the original.
Maddox: Yeah, you got that…you got me there, actually. (giggles) It probably is.
Dick: Yeah. Mhmm.
Maddox: The original does take a lot of effort.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: But, um…here's the thing, Dick. You can get to the Great Barrier Reef without walking. Someone can just take you in a helicopter and lower you with a crane into the ocean with your snorkel on.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Just above sea...you know? You just look around?
Dick: Good point. Good point.
Maddox: Right? Okay?
Dick: Yep.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Then you have to take Great Barrier Reef off…I'm gonna see if you scratched that off.
Dick: I didn't even write…I just came up with that off the top of my head. I'll scratch something off, though.
Maddox: There you go. (chuckles)
Dick: In Africa alone, women spend 40 billion hours a year…this is true. Walking for water.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh.
Dick: Walking for water!
Maddox: Their legs!
Dick: Ret…ridiculous.
Maddox: That's all legs…
Dick: Why don't they drive?
Maddox: That's all leg day, Dick.
Dick: You know what they could do with that 40 billion hours?
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: Imagine how much of that January Jones TV show they could be watching with 40 billion hours. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Ja…Jessica Jones. (giggles)
Dick: Imagine how much of your website they could be reading.
Maddox: Oh, they could be reading a lot of my website.
Dick: 40 billion hours.
Maddox: Instead of looking for water…(giggles)
Dick: Instead of looking for water, 'cause they have to walk!! (Maddox laughs) That's why it takes so long!!! 40 billion hours a year, these women are WALKING AROUND!! LOOKING FOR WATER!
Maddox: Hmm. Well, that's a lot of hours.
Dick: Walking!! Horrible. Big problem.
Maddox: It's…okay, Dick. It's a solution…to getting places and things that you want.
Dick: Walking is?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Ugh. It's an embarrassing solution.
Maddox: Embarrassing. (giggles)
Dick: Six…six kilometers a day, they're walking to get water.
Maddox: Dick…
Dick: Injuries…shin splints. (Maddox chuckles) You ever had shin splints? (giggles) You could get that walking.
Maddox: I've heard…I've heard about shin splints.
Dick: Runner's knee?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Stress fracture?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Plantar fasciitis.
Maddox: Yeah, that's a thing.
Dick: I dunno what that is, but it fucks up your feet.
Maddox: I've seen it.
Sean: Pussyfoot.
Dick: (giggles) Pussyfoot?
Maddox: Pussyfoot? Is that what Dick got when he didn't go shooting?
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: What is…oh, you do pussyfoot around things.
Dick: Here's…here's a guy. Here's the very first person who walked around the Earth on foot. (paper shuffling) Uh, he…was shot and killed by bandits in Afghanistan. 'Cause he was walking!
Maddox: Not because he was walking! Because there were bandits in Afghanistan!
Dick: Shoulda been in a Humvee. (Maddox giggles) Shoulda been flying over Afghanistan in a plane!! Not walking.
Maddox: Well, Christopher Reeve couldn't walk.
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: You thought that was…you think that was a solution?
Dick: Christopher Reeve not walking?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um, did he do it on purpose?
Maddox: Uh, no. It was an accident.
Dick: Did we test that? Didn't you have some kind of theory that he was playing up his paralysis? (they giggle)
Maddox: No, I didn't. (giggling)
Dick: To get money into his foundation?
Maddox: We…we don't know what the horse's motives were, which I SUSPECT WAS BAD!! (Sean giggles)
(Sound Effect: Horse Neigh)
Maddox: Fucking horses!!
Dick: Probably because the horse was being made to walk too much. It got pissed off.
Maddox: No. The horse just…the horse…you can't even trust a fucking horse. You can't! They'll nip at ya! They'll nip at your ears! You…you know, Sean doesn't have an ear. One of his ears is bitten off.
Sean: Yeah. It's gone.
Maddox: It's gone. (giggles) So…Dick. I don't understand. You can't…now you're contradicting yourself. This is h…
(Ritzy theme song plays, DICK…VERSUS…DICK!!)
Maddox: This is a huge Dick versus Dick! A HUGE one!!! Alright. On one hand, you're saying walking is a problem.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: But on the other hand, you're saying paralysis is a problem! Which is it!!
Dick: Oh…you could do a lot more with your legs than just walk. You can't dead lift if you're paralyzed.
Maddox: Hmm. You can't dead lift with your legs if you're paralyzed. But, um…
(Theme ends)
Dick: (giggles) Go to your problem! That's it. My problem is walking. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Doesn't matter.
Maddox: Alright. Alright. Then vote down Paralysis and vote up Walking, or vote up Walking…
Dick: (interjects) They're not mutually exclusive!
Maddox: They…literally are.
Dick: No, you can do more things than walk if you're not paralyzed. That's true. You don't need to think about it. (cackles)
Maddox: Uh, yeah…(Dick still laughing) Oh..okay. So you're saying paralysis is a bigger problem than walking.
Dick: Uh……..yeah.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: I'll give you that.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Not for me.
Maddox: Not for you, no.
Dick: But, you know.
Maddox: You'd rather be paralyzed than walk.
Dick: I would vote both of them up.
Maddox: You'd vote both of them up.
Dick: Yes.
Maddox: Which is a bigger problem?
Dick: I dunno, that's up to the fans.
Maddox: Well, I guess we're gonna find out! Tune in…
Dick: We're gonna find out.
Maddox: …next week, guys! (chuckles) Find out which is a bigger problem!
Dick: Take your walking and shove it up your ass. (Sean cracks up)
Maddox: Fine. Maybe I will. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week, guys. It's…the Inability to Disconfirm!!
(Sound effect: Ding!!)
Maddox: Yeah!
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: There's a problem. (giggles)
Dick: You got a mouthful problems today.
Maddox: Yeah, it's a mouthful of a problem. But at least it wasn't a well-planned, poorly-executed gun trip.
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: Because you wouldn't walk a MILE. (giggles) Put all that leg day to use. Walk…you know.
Dick: What's your problem?
Maddox: Yeah. My problem. The inability to disconfirm. So this is…I…I read this article awhile back about…it was actually about this whole outrage porn and this overly PC culture that we're in right now.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Where even…even President Obama has spoken out against it, because he says…essentially, people who are always looking for safe spaces and 'no free speech' zones, and…and places where they're…you know. This…this over infantilism, I think it…it has something to do with it. When people don't want to be challenged and don't want to have their assumptions…questioned. Uh…
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And confronted. And it talks…
Dick: (interjects) That's the ability to disconfirm?
Maddox: No. I'm getting to that.
Dick: Inability?
Maddox: I'm getting to that. Um…these people who have these problems, uh…exhibit symptoms of a cognitive disorder. And the inability to disconfirm is one such cognitive disorder. This is from the website, uh…I think it's http://www.cognitivetherapynyc.com - it's this assessment article, and it talks about what it is. It says , "You reject any evidence or arguments that might contradict your negative thoughts." For example, when you have a thought that "I am unlovable", you reject as irrelevant any evidence that people like you. Consequentially, your thought cannot be refuter. You say, "That's not the real issue. There are deeper problems." "There are other factors", etc, etc." So anytime you find evidence that contradicts what you believe, you just eject it. You don't…
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: …acknowledge it, you don't consider it. This is kind of interesting. They did a study…um, called "When Superstition Fails, Reactions to Disconfirmation of Paranormal Beliefs". So they tested people who have paranormal beliefs, you know. People who are…you know, people who listen to a lot of Coast to Coast AM. (grins)
Dick: Well, people who are on it. Sure.
Maddox: People who are on it.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I listened the other night and this guy was talking about, um…I think he saw Bigfoot in his tent.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: And he was afraid to open his tent, because he thought it might be Bigfoot.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And so he…
Dick: (interjects) Well, you gotta be safe.
Maddox: He…(cracks up)
Dick: Might be Bigfoot!
Sean: Turn on his wife. His wife joined him on the camping trip?
Maddox: No..he didn't even check. I think he just waited…he just went…
Dick: (interjects) So it could have been Bigfoot.
Maddox: It could have been Bigfoot, yeah. Um…so they did this test, it says here. This is from…well, I'll link to the study. It says here, "Previous research has suggested cognitive distortion of counterattitudinal information by believers, but not by skeptics of paranormal phenomenon. The present study sought to extend these results using a different mode of information presentation and measuring emotional arousal as well. Fifty undergraduates completed the Belief in Paranormal Scale and were divided into believers and skeptics on the basis of a median split of their scores." So, "…they read an abstract either supporting or challenging the existence of ESP and completed the Multiple Effect Adjective Checklist." So basically, they're going through this checklist to see whether or not they have paranormal beliefs, right?
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Both believers and skeptics showed increased emotional arousal when presented with counterattitudinal information. So when they found information that was contradicting their beliefs, they both showed, like, the same arousal in their…in their brain, in the same regions."…But only believers showed selective learning of the information. Findings are discussed in light of dissonance theory and selective learning." That's really fascinating stuff. So, essentially, what happens is…when you confront somebody with evidence that contradicts their preconceived beliefs and notions, they have the same amount of arousal as someone who doesn't accept that information, but their conclusion is contrary to that evidence. Like, they just…continue to believe what they believe. This is actually the root cause of anti-vaxxers. So…they did all those tests and they sent out all those different methods to try to persuade anti-vaxxers into vaccinating their children, and no matter what evidence they showed them, it not only didn't persuade them, sometimes they doubled down and became even more staunchly ideological in their beliefs.
Sean: Well, because they're…you just said it. They're believing, they're not thinking.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: True.
Maddox: They're believing. Right. "The inability to disconfirm is a type of automatic thought. It's a type of confirmation bias." And then there's some…this…this has, like, so many applications in so many things, like, for example, in marketing….I read…this is from a book called Marketing Theory: Philosophy of Science and Perspectives. It talks about advertising deception and people who have the inability to disconfirm are the most gullible and the most dupable when it comes to advertising. It says, "A critical research issue, though one which has received surprisingly little attention, deals with whether deceptive advertising is capable, not only of initiating trial purchases, but also of sustaining repeat behavior. The logic of disconfirmation theory is insightful in this regard. Disconfirmation theory suggests that disconfirmation of expectancies would lead to change in cognitive structure, a change in behavior, or both." And then they found…that doesn't happen at all. So this happens when people get addicted to brands and they find that the brand is not that good, or it's not fulfilling their expectations, they continue to buy that brand. And this has implications in people who are stuck in abusive relationships, you know? Sometimes you see, uh…a woman who's been in abusive relationships. She's been beat by a man for a long, long time…and obv…it's obvious to everyone outside of her that she needs to get out of that relationship. But to her…she has the inability to disconfirm, so she…rationalizes these bad things that happen. She refutes any evidence that counters her beliefs, and accepts her preconceived notions.
Sean: Yeah. "He hits me because he loves me."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Why's it gotta be a she?
Sean: What?
Dick: What if it's a guy?
Sean: It doesn't have to e.
Dick: What if it's two guys?
Sean: Doesn't have to be.
Maddox: It could be two guys, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Could be two guys. What if it's a guy and his bologna?
Sean: Hohohooo.
Dick: He's beating up his bologna every night.
Sean: Exactly. Smack the bologna around.
Maddox: His bologna needs to get up and pack its bags and walk away, Dick!
Dick: So…people are suckers?
Maddox: (giggles) So people are…
Dick: (interjects) Is that basically what all that said?
Maddox: People are suckers.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No, um…this has…this has huge implications in so many areas of our life. So, I talked about abuse. I talked about…purchasing things. I talked about believing in hypothetical things and…and ESP, and paranormal phenomenon…
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: And believing in all these things…
Dick: God.
Maddox: Well…it…it depends. (stammers) We're gonna get into a whole philosophical argument there.
Dick: Okay.
Sean: But it does extend to religion, and uh…political party, too.
Dick: Of course it does.
Sean: Like, your political party…uh, they say, is most formed by what your parents were.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: And even though it might have things later on in it that you don't agree with, a lot of people won't change. They'll just kind of ignore those things.
Dick: How could it not be?
Maddox: I don't know, Sean.
Dick: Just like your sports team.
Sean: What's that?
Dick: Just like your sports team.
Sean: Yeah. Oh, no, no. I mean, like, I have different political beliefs than my parents do, but I also try to think about things.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: Well, my dad's a libertarian.
Sean: Is he?
Maddox: Oh, he's a staunch libertarian.
Sean: Really?
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: You have a lot of libertarian-leaning tendencies.
Maddox: Well…
Dick: And I don't think you see them, but…
Maddox: You can…you can call them that.
Dick: …you do.
Maddox: Yeah, no. It's funny. I got an email last episode. Uh, I didn't bring it in, but this guy said, "Maddox, uh, you criticize libertarians. You've criticized liberals. You haven't really….you criticize Trump, but it's like, we don't know…we don't know what you are. Like, why don't you take a fucking stance?" And this guy's, like, really pissed.
Dick: No, don't.
Maddox: Yeah. Um, well, it's because I think that, uh…that one of the…and I'll bring this in. I think that political labels are one of the biggest problems in the universe, because it stops thinking. It stops the critical thinking. It all…it allows you to dismiss anything that isn't already aligned with your point of view. So if you…it becomes like a sports team, right? Aw, I'm a Raiders fan, I…
Dick: Yeah…
Maddox: I think that…the, um…(cracks up)
Dick: Here we go. (they both laugh) What is your favorite part about the Raiders?
Maddox: I almost said Chicago Bulls. I…(stammers) I'm a Raiders fan. I'm not a fan of the Chargers. The San Diego Chargers, right?
Dick: Okay, yeah. (giggles)
Maddox: That's a classic…rivalry.
Dick: Not a classic rivalry. (grins)
Maddox: Oh, it is!
Dick: No, no. It's not.
Sean: No…
Dick: Broncos.
Sean: Raiders and Broncos is a classic rivalry.
Dick: Yeah, that's a classic rivalry.
Maddox: Well, that's ANOTHER one! There's lots of classic rivalries!!
Sean: Nobody gives a shit about San Diego.
Dick: Nobody gives a shit about the Chargers. (grins)
Maddox: The White Sox and the Yankees! That's a classic rivalry!! The Red Sox! All the sox!!! (laughs)
Dick: Wow.
Maddox: Whatever. (laughing)
Dick: Good example.
Maddox: Yeah. Um…so, yeah. Anyway. Uh…when you…when you have this…this affiliation with, uh…large political group or anyone, it inhibits your ability to…look at things critically, because you're…you're likely to dismiss them. It becomes one big ad hominem attack. In fact, um…I try not to do this. When someone sends me a link or a source…to a right-wing website, instead of just dismissing it as being…you know, if it's against a liberal stance or vice versa, a liberal website like Huffington Post or a conservative website like Fox News. I'll look and see what they're saying first. And I'll say, "Well, they might have…you know. Not everything they say is necessarily tinted with that political point of view. And if it is, I can always Google it and see what…what less biased sources say, to see if there's any merit to what they're saying. But most people don't do that. Most people…
Dick: That sounds like a huge waste of time.
Maddox: Why is it a huge waste of time?
Dick: Like, going through all this shit to look at ALL of the evidence individually? Just send me the link, if it's on HuffPo, like, well, wait till it shows up somewhere else. Has it bee on Drudge Report? No. Then I'm not interested in seeing it. (Sean laughs) That's my motto.
Maddox: Well, that's why I do the Google search.
Sean: Drudge Report and Breitbart.
Dick: Yeah, and Breitbart.
Maddox: Breitbart. Oh, my gosh. Um…
Dick: Yeah, so what's the…what is the real…is it not critical thinking? What's the summary of this? Like, I get that people are suckers and they write off things…
Maddox: Well, in so many ways. So, we talked about belief in paranormal. We talked about being in abusive relationships. But, uh…cognitively, and why this shows up so much in Cognitive Behavior Therapy…
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: Is because…people will sometimes have these beliefs that they are bad people, and no matter what you show them, they're unable to believe any different.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Because they have this…they're stuck in this negative feedback loop. The circuitous thinking, where they think "Everything I do, or everything I am is bad and negative, nobody likes me, etc, etc." And their inability to disconfirm leads them down that path and all they have to do is step outside of that little circle and realize that there's a lot of evidence, contrary to what you may think. Contrary to your negative thoughts and your negative thinking. If you just step outside and take a look a little bit more critically.
Dick: There's a lot in support of it, too.
Maddox: Well, that…(stammers) I mean, that…you could make the case…I mean, there's a…there's a positive and negative way to look at just about everything.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: That's why…when I brought in Death as a problem, I acknowledged some of the good…good aspects of death, but there's a lot of negative ones, that I think far outweigh the good ones.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: Um…there's good…there's a good and bad way of looking at a lot of things. You could look at, um…the death of someone as, you know, someone's passing and you're sad for them, but you can also…
Sean: But then you're like, "Hey, they're out of their credit card payments."
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: There you go, Sean. Perfect example!
Dick: I don't have to buy them any Christmas presents!
Sean: There you go.
Maddox: Yeah, there you go, Dick! Another perfect example.
Dick: Great.
Sean: (giggles) Have another vase for the fireplace.
Dick: Yeah, I could sell all this shit!
Maddox: There's…there's more air to breathe.
Dick: Well…okay.
Maddox: Huh?
Dick: That's stretching it.
Maddox: Yeah?
Sean: I always liked his car.
Dick: Oooooh, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: Gimme that car.
Maddox: Yeah! And if…if he was a drain on the economy, or she was a drain on the economy in a hospital bed somewhere, hey, less hospital bills.
Dick: Sure!
Maddox: Oh, look at that! Rosy glasses. It can stifle person growth. That's a problem. Inability to disconfirm. Uh…you should look into it. It's actually really fascinating stuff. I started reading…it's just a huge rabbit hole of cognitive behavior therapy and cognitive dissonance theory, and all this stuff! There's tons of literature about this…about this out there. I was really surprised when I started doing research about this stuff.
Dick: Well, if it shows up on Drudge Report, I'll check it out.
Maddox: Ohh, great.
Sean: No, I like this, because it's so pervasive.
Maddox: It is very pervasive. It's a huge, huge problem. It affects a lot of people. Um…even people…even people you wouldn't think that, uh…are affected by this. Like…you know, (stammers) at some point, you can always…you can all be susceptible to this. Um…and…and it's also the inability to…the inability to disconfirm is…um, also the tendency to believe that things will always be bad, you know? Um…like, if you walk down an alley and there's…you hear, like, footsteps behind you, or something. You know…it would be silly to say that you're always going to feel that anxiety. Obviously, you're feeling anxiety because there are footsteps behind you. Once you walk out of that alley and you're no longer in that situation, you're not gonna feel that same anxiety, right?
Dick: Are there people confused about that? (Sean cracks up)
Maddox: No, but that's…(Dick giggles) that's an example…
Dick: (interjects) I mean, that's…
Maddox: That's an example of why I'm saying how ridiculous it is to be…to have this…these fears that it's always going to be this way.
Dick: What fears are you talking about?
Sean: Look. It's…it's a slippery slope. (they giggle)
Dick: Yeah, it is a slippery slope.
Maddox: Yeah, it is a slippery slope, Sean! (grins) The fears I'm talking about is that I'm never going to find a partner in a relationship. I'm never going to get a good job.
Dick: Yeah. Well…that's true.
Maddox: I'm never going to…uh, get out of my situation that I'm in right now.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: I'm never going to solve my financial problems.
Sean: Dude, stop reading my thoughts!
Dick: That's…yeah. These are all…
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: But these are all mostly true.
Maddox: See, that…that there…that…
Dick: (interjects) People are not…people don't fix their finances.
Maddox: They do! They fix their finances all the time.
Dick: (interjects) No, they fucking…not according to the fucking numbers!
Maddox: I have a lot…look.
Dick: People have negative savings rate. Baby boomers have saved 10 grand in the bank. That's a massive failure! Odds are, you will FAIL at finances.
Maddox: There you go. There's some negative thinking.
Dick: That's the odds!
Maddox: But you're looking…but there's lots of evidence…if you look for it, there's evidence that counters what you just said.
Dick: Okay.
Sean: The Internet can be a place where people with kind of out-there beliefs find other people, and they just reaffirm each other's opinions. So you just stop thinking. It's like, "Oh, well all these people think exactly like I do. It must be this way."
Maddox: Well, yeah. That's…that's confirmation bias.
Sean: Yeah, that's true, but…
Maddox: It's related. It's related.
Sean: It's related, right?
Maddox: Yeah. It's definitely related. When I was doing research, uh, a lot of the articles started talking about…
Sean: (interjects) Because they can just ignore anything…
Maddox: Exactly. Absolutely. It's…a lot of the…
Sean: (interjects) Holocaust deniers!
Maddox: Holocaust Deniers. (Dick cracks up) Yeah. (giggles)
Sean: See, I'm doing the Hitler thing! That's…
Maddox: Yeah. Holocaust Deniers. Um, yeah. This, uh…it is related to confirmation bias, and uh, one of the studies…Wikipedia has a really good, uh…um…description about this. It's actually related to confirmation bias. But it's also, you know, your inability to accept evidence that counters…that contradicts what you're saying. You have to…acknowledge evidence that contradicts what you're saying, because then you…if you don't, you can get stuck in this rut of, like, "I'm never gonna find someone." Like, just like how ridiculous it was to give that example of feeling anxiety that somebody's walking behind you down an alley, and then constantly feeling that anxiety throughout the rest of your life? That's absurd, because when you change your situation, you will no longer have that anxiety. But people who…have this inability to disconfirm are always afraid of having that anxiety in spite of the fact that their situation changes. Yeah, anyway. That's my problem!
Dick: Alright. One problem you can definitely fix is having a shitty mattress. Right? (conspiratorial)
Maddox: Yep!!!
Dick: http://www.casper.com , use promo code "BIGGEST". Is it biggest or biggestpro…
Maddox: Alright guys. My problems this week were…
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: The Slippery Slope and an Inability to Disconfirm!!
Dick: My problems were Daylight Savings Time, and Walking.
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
Dick: See you next Tuesday.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys. Uh…if you have to shit in the shower, then just go ahead and shit in the shower. You can stomp it down the drain…"
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles)
"Not your problem anymore. No one's ever gonna find out. Just move on with your fucking day.")
(Dick and Sean crack up)
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: That guy just shits in the shower! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Problem solved.
(Voice mail: male voice: Hey what's up, guys? Maddox, I'm a long-time fan. Dick, you're my new role model."
Dick: Ohhh, that's great.
"Let's get into the shit. I got a fucking fan problem for you guys, if that's cool."
Maddox: Hmmkay.
"The Present Year Argument. (Dick laughs) I'm hearing this shit all over now. Oh, it's 2015! Ban guns! It's 2015! Gender norms! It's 2015! It's 2015!!! People fall back on this limp-dick, chickenshit excuse whenever their argument on our society not being progressive enough doesn't hold any fucking weight!!! I'm just real heated up about this right now, because I saw some friends on Facebook bitching about the amount of mass shootings this year, and only saying "It's 2015!"
Dick: Should have stopped there.
"It's 20-fif-fucking-teen!! By the way, the legal definition of a MASS shooting in the US…"
Dick: Oh, boy! (scoffs)
"…is four fatalities, which, I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't consider four a "massive" number."
Maddox: (giggles) You would if it was your family!!
"…Maybe that's just me being an asshole, though." (they giggle)
Dick: Well…
"Uh, anyways, that's all I got. Dick, you're cool, but go fuck yourself.")
Dick: Awww. Yeah, I do hate that argument.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I see it…
Dick: It's 2015!!!
Maddox: I saw a lot of people commenting about it. The re…I think the reason it's there is because, uh, in the eighties and nineties, we always thought of the future as the year 2000 or 200x, right?
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: 2025, 2015, those were all big years, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I think that people are saying, "Oh, it's like…it's 2015! We are in the future!! Where we thought in the past we would…we should have solved these problems."
Dick: Yeah. Still annoying.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, Dick. Is a life coach…just a euphemism for boyfriend?"
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs)
"Small-faced fuckboy?" (Sean and Dick crack up) "What the fuck? Go fuck yourself."
Maddox: Yeah.
"Sean, you're pretty cool." )
Maddox: Wow! (Dick giggles)
Dick: I don't know.
Sean: Hey, thanks man. I was just gonna call that guy a homophobe, but…
Dick: He IS a homophobe! (Maddox laughs)
Sean: Now he said I was cool, then…no. He's all good.
Maddox: Oh, good.
Dick: That's…that's a slippery slope, Sean.
Maddox: It is.
Sean: That's how easily I'm bought off.
Maddox: It's Nazi-ism. You're Hitler.
Sean: Maybe worse.
Maddox: You could have friends…
Dick: Super Hitler? (grins) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Mecha Hitler.
Dick: You're like Voltron of Hitlers. All five Hitlers combined.
Sean: I'm like…I'm like…Stitler. I'm like Stalin and Hitler combined.
Maddox: Stalin, Hitler.
Dick: Captain Planet Hitler.
Maddox: Pol Pot. Who else?
Sean: Yeah.
Maddox: Marx…all, you just, like, combine…and then Mao. Mao is the chest.
Dick: No, it has to be all Hitler!
Maddox: All Hitler.
Dick: Those guys are…whatever. They're…we don't even know who those guys are.
Maddox: What?
Sean: What?
Dick: People don't know who those…only Hitler.
Sean: I'm pretty…
Maddox: (interjects) Only Hitler, yeah.
Dick: Only versions of Hitler.
Sean: I'm pretty sure they…
(file cuts off)