Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 75

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Deadbeats to Sour Notes. (Dick laughs) With over 4 million downloads…(Dick and Sean crack up) this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. (grins) I am Maddox. With me is Dick. (Dick is still laughing)

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins) (laughing)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hey.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I'm gonna go back and listen to that and time how long it takes me to get that joke…(Maddox laughs) because I was laughing…I thought something was funny. You know, you just get it's funny…

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: And I'm thinking, "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." And that's when I went…HA ha ha. (loud)

Maddox: Uh-huh…

Dick: So that's how stupid I am.

Maddox: Wait for it…yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. That came to me while I was driving. I thought it was a perfect analog to last week's Bad People and Bad Apples.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Or…what was…yeah. Bad…yeah. This one.

Dick: I do love and hate how this show sinks into my brain while I'm driving around and, like, working. And showering. And working out.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And, like, doing…folding clothes…doing basically fucking everything in my life. I'm sitting there having an imaginary argument about shit that I really…I'm sitting around there asking myself, "Why do I care about this?" "Why am I having an imaginary argument about apples in my head?" (Maddox laughs) To prepare for next week.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, 'cause I got a comment on the website. I'm like, "Fuck. If that asshole bring this in, I gotta have something to say about what I said about apples!!"

Maddox: That's what happens! That's what happens on this show, man. Yeah.

Dick: It's a virus!

Maddox: It rings in my head. It rings in my h…I wake up at night, it's fucking awful!! (Dick chuckles) This is the sacrifice we do for you guys, you unappreciative…well, for the most part.

Dick: Very appreciative.

Maddox: Ver…yeah. Somewhat appreciate…you…somewhat appreciative dullards! (Dick laughs) Yeah. Yeah. And speaking of…speaking of.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I ju…I thought of a new contest, Dick.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Because…and Sean. Because last time, we got in that whole apple debate at the top of the show.

Dick: Right, right, right.

Maddox: I wanna bring in an apple taste test.

Dick: Oh. I was gonna suggest that for uh…Season 2.

Maddox: Oh, sure! Then let's do it for Season 2.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I wanna do an apple taste test, and I wanna see if you bozos…look, I know you can tell the difference between the taste of apples. Apples taste pretty different. Especially Granny Smith versus anything else. It's a very tart apple, right?

Dick: That's the only one I could tell the difference, though. Reliably.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I don't know what the other ones taste like.

Maddox: Well, I don't expect you to name the apple that you're tasting, but I want you to rank them from the tastiest to least.

Dick: You're gonna be in on this too, though. Somebody…Randy…Candy Randy. I'm not allowed to say his last name anymore. (Maddox laughs) So I'm gonna call him Candy Randy, the producer of the show.

Maddox: Candy Randy, our…

Dick: And your manager.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Uh, he's gonna set it up.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So you're in on this, too, motherfucker.

Maddox: Fine with me!

Dick: I also…speak…'cause we always have these challenges.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And these bets, right?

Maddox: Yeah. Right.

Dick: And we never know what to bet on them?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: 'Cause it's hard to think of a bet on the spot. I thought of something. I'm gonna float this by you.

Maddox: What do you got?

Dick: How about the loser…has to read a 250-word apology…(Maddox laughs) written…(laughs) on the show. Written by the other person.

Maddox: Dick…

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Correct! That's a great bet! I like that a lot.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: You're on!

Dick: And it never gets old.

Maddox: There we go.

Dick: 'Cause you can write the most horrible things!

Maddox: There we go. That's…that's fucking fan…NOW we have a challenge, okay?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Now it's a game! Now it's on. Alright. I'm…I'm in!! Let's do it!

Dick: Does that mean I can bring this back?

(Titanic flute theme starts…)

Maddox: You mother…(they crack up) What the fuck is this? What is this, a flute version?

Dick: I dunno…somebody…this was on the voice mail!

Maddox: The recorder version! (laughs)

Dick: Somebody…somebody called, said nothing, and just played…(Maddox still laughing) the Titanic on the recorder.

Maddox: What an asshole!

(Recorder plays a bunch of weird, squeaky, sour notes)

Dick: Perfectly…

Maddox: Yeah, no!

Dick: Perfectly.

Maddox: Yeah, it's the recorder version of it. What a piece of shit! (Dick laughs) Garbage. Now…now, here's the thing. We have to decide, since there are three of us playing, me, you, and Sean, so who's the winner and who's the loser in that instance.

Dick: I don't think Sean should have to read an apology.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: 'Cause I don't think he'll…really care.

Maddox: Fine. So, between the two of us.

Dick: I will…yeah.

Maddox: But we…but Sean's still in it, 'cause I wanna see…

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: If this bozo's tastebuds match up to his, uh…to his big talk.

Sean: I can tell the taste of apples apart.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: But I wanna see what you think is the best-tasting apple.

Sean: Alright. I eat a lot of Honey Crisps.

Maddox: Yeah?

Sean: Mhmm.

Maddox: I eat Honey Crisps. They're just over…it's the hipster apple, man.

Sean: Bull. Shit.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: See? Again.

Sean: Bullshit! (Maddox laughing)

Dick: I'm so glad I had that imaginary argument about apples. Now I feel like I'm prepared for this conversation!

Maddox: Good.

Sean: You know what, though? You know what, though?

Dick: What?

Sean: To be fair, a couple of people did tell me that the Red Delicious are much better than they used to be.

Maddox: Yeah, they are. They absolutely…that's why I said, they're back with a vengeance! And they're the healthiest apple.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I looked into it. Someone's like…(goofy voice) "Hey Maddox. Antioxidants isn't the way to-to tell they have…" hey, shut up! You guys don't know shit! I looked into it and it actually…it is the healthiest apple based on the polyphenols in the skin.

Dick: Oh, great.

Maddox: Which…which is associated with the number of antioxidants the apple has. Yeah. It's the most nutritious apple. Go fuck yourself!

Sean: But nobody gives a FUCK. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: They're the tastiest, too, Sean! I'll put money on it.

Dick: No, they're not!!

Maddox: You know what? We're doing…we're doing the poem. Then we're doing the poem. You're on. The 250-word apology.

Dick: It doesn't have to be a poem!

Maddox: That's fine.

Dick: I guess it could be a poem, that'd be even funnier?

Maddox: Eh? That's mine. Maybe mine will…you'll never know what mine will turn out to be, 'cause I'll be right. (Dick giggles) Anyways, guys…

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: From last week, the biggest problem in the universe…Friend Zone Opportunists!

Dick: Oh, really?

Maddox: Yeah. Neck and neck with Pathogenic Bacteria. (Dick guffaws) Almost the exact same vote!

Dick: That's pathetic.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. As of this recording, 806 versus 803. Neck and neck.

Dick: That is neck and neck.

Maddox: Almost a tie. And then, Shitting Your Pants.

Dick: 'Cause one is a virus and the other is a bacteria.

Maddox: Yea…ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Good point.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Good point. Friend Zone Opportunists are a virus you wanna eradicate.

Dick: Ba-dum bum.

Maddox: Um, and then Shitting Your Pants.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Uh, came in. It just came in. It was…it was on the list. It's in the positive.

Dick: Maddox. It's a…you know, you didn't let me get into my stats that I brought.

Maddox: What were your…

Dick: (interjects) About shitting in your pants.

Maddox: Do you remember your stats? Your shitting pants?

Dick: Yeah. Remember when Al Roker shit in his pants at the White House?

Maddox: No…did that happen?!

Dick: He got that gastric bypass thing, and he thought he was gonna fart, and he shit his pants in the White House. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: That's the same thing that happened to me!!! Except…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: …in my living room! Which is equivalent to the White House!

Dick: See? It happens to everybody.

Sean: Turns out it was an entire roast beef. (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: I also read…

Maddox: (interjects) Al Roker!

(Sound effect: Fart)

Dick: Some psychology manual about combat that said a quarter of combat troops from World War II, when interviewed, admitted to either pissing in their pants…oh, no, I'm sorry. A quarter admitted to pissing in their pants, and another quarter, separate, possibly some overlap, I don't know. Admitted to defecating in their pants while in combat.

Maddox: Hmmm.

Dick: That's a LOT!

Maddox: You know what? That makes sense, though!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? If the alternative is…you're in a…you're in a foxhole, right? And you're…like, bullets are raining down on you. You've got grenades…you've got mortars landing around you. The enemy's sharpshooters are pointed at you. What are you gonna do, get up and take a shit? No! You shit in your pants!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Like a man. Like a hero.

Dick: I…I interpreted that study differently.

Maddox: Ohhhhh.

Dick: I thought that they were charging over, like, the Battle of the Bulge…

Maddox: Ohoho, yeah.

Dick: But they're 1911-pistol-shooting one German over here…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or if you're in Germany listening to this podcast, you know, for the opposite. Not an American.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then they're just feeling so awesome…(Maddox laughs) and manly, that they just shit their pants to be cool like me, when I shit in my pants.

Maddox: Oh. Oh, yeah. I bet the German listeners right now love the tail-end of that story. (Dick laughs) Oh yeah! Now we're shooting Americans? That's cool.

Dick: I mean, whatever.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They have different heroes than us.

Maddox: That's fine. I almost shit my pants…this was a real close pants-shitting story. Uh, one time I was…I was snowboarding with friend of the show, Roger Barr, who's gonna be on for our Halloween…

Dick: (interjects) Who's gonna be back. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. He's gonna be on for our Halloween episode.

Dick: Great guest.

Maddox: I was snowboarding with him. And I was getting a little cocky. It was getting late at night. Uh, the sun was going down. The slopes turned icy. And I got too much speed, and I slipped and I landed right on my fucking tailbone, man. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was like a pin. If you pointed a pin down, a needle down into the snow, it couldn't have been more precise than the tailbone. The way my tailbone hit that ice.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I hit so hard.

Dick: Your "cock-ix" (coccyx).

Maddox: Yeah, my "cock-ix" got hurt really bad. I got a bruised "cock-ix"

Sean: Coccyx. (correctly pronounced)

Dick: Coccyx.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Oh, like six cocks. Coccyx.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Got it.

Maddox: I got a real bruised coccyx. So I got up on my hands and knees. (Dick cracks up) And Roger comes up to me.

Dick: And you screamed, "Ow, my ass!" (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah, basically. But Roger came up to me, he goes, "Hey man, you alright?" and he's about to put his hand on my shoulder, and I go "Don't touch me!!" (Dick laughs) Don't touch me. Because it hit so hard…(Dick cracking up) I was like…I was like a Prius. You know where you see the battery and all the energy is kind of like, re….like, it's moving through the engine block and you can see where it's focused. It's sending the energy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I was focusing all my energy and strength into not shitting my pants.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I was l…I was literally concentrating on my butthole and picturing it shut.

Dick: Like Gohan. Who's that Dragonball guy? AAARRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!

Maddox: Yeah. (they crack up) Oh, man. It took every ounce.

Dick: It's like, "mmmmmmreeeeeeehhh, I'm comin'!!"

Maddox: I came so close to shitting. I could feel my…my butt muscles quivering. The sphincter. I could feel it quivering.

Dick: I dunno what it's called. I don't know anything about the butt.

Maddox: Yeah. It's a sphincter. (they laugh)

Dick: I don't know anything about men's butts!

Maddox: Ahhh. (sighs) (Dick laughs) Dick.

Dick: So you didn't. You didn't. You got away with it.

Maddox: No, I didn't. It was real close, man.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I would not want to…I wouldn't want…

Dick: (interjects) Well, good. Good for you. (irritated)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I didn't have a big steaming pile of shit in my snowpants.

Dick: Good for you. (chuckles)

Maddox: They're snowpants, not shitpants. Dick, uh, speaking of things you don't know about. (Dick laughs) I got a comment. I got an email from Cody Krause. He says, "Maddox, this is my first time writing in to the show and I originally told myself I never would, because both you and Dick are out to make outrageous comments."

Dick: What?! (incredulous)

Maddox: "But going forward…"

Dick: What's outrageous that we say?! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: I…fuck if I know!

Dick: Yeah. Find one!

Maddox: Yeah. Everything…everything on this show is…is just right of reasonable. Alright. "But going forward, can you please prevent Dick from discussing the US legal system."

Dick: Oh, God, what did I do now?

Maddox: "His childlike logic and reasoning is both saddening and baffling." That's an interesting combination.

Dick: Good. That's a good combination. (grins)

Maddox: He's saddened and…

Dick: Sad and Confused.

Maddox: Bewildered. Yeah, confused.

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) That's right where I want you.

Maddox: Yeah. It almost…

Dick: "Why is he doing this to me?!" (they both laugh) Shut up, or I'll do it again!!

Maddox: He's sullen and bewildered. "It almost pains me to listen to Dick attempt to mischaracterize the powers of the Supreme Court, the duties of an elected official, and how the Constitution works."

Dick: Hmm. Okay.

Maddox: "If Dick wants to talk about rights and the history of marriage in America, he should probably open a book. If you want to do a new segment called Dick's Legal Corner, where Dick's elementary understanding of laws is disproved, just look at this." And he quotes a whole bunch of…

Dick: (interjects) Things I've fucked up?

Maddox: Yeah. Court cases.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Um, "so..that set precedence for why it's a bad idea for states to set their own laws. Lawrence Vs. Texas, the Supreme Court presents the states from interfering with the bedrooms of consenting American adults. Loving Vs. Virginia, Supreme Court overturns a law of states that prevent interracial couples from marrying, and MLG Vs. SLJ, basically, the Supreme Court shields more rights of Americans under the 14th Amendment, etc, etc. Dick, go fuck yourself."

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical) Well, you know, it's real easy to sound smart when you're at your computer…(Maddox laughs) and you've got all night to write an email! But when you're on here running your mouth…that asshole couldn't leave a f…that guy couldn't leave a 1-minute long voicemail without sounding like a prick! So fuck you! What was his name.

Maddox: Uh, his name is Cody Krause.

Dick: Cody Krause, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Say that to my voice mail, you son of a bitch! Don't…I don't believe in e…I don't believe that people are smart just 'cause they can write a smart-sounding email.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Okay?! (mad) You know what I'm talking about?

Maddox: What if he's deaf, dickhead?!

Dick: What if he's deaf?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That would be a…I doubly wanna hear that voice mail, then!

Maddox: Ohhhh, eat shit, man! That guy…I bet that guy's deaf. He's a real smart deaf guy. (Dick chuckles) There you go. Bravo! Bravo, Cody. I'm on your…I'm on your side.

Dick: I got a comment from Dan Merrick. "I bought a Red Delicious apple last night to see if they are back. They are not back." (they both laugh) "They are mealy as fuck." Yeah. Absolutely.

Maddox: You're mealy as fuck, you piece of shit! (Dick cracks up) That's just such a tired criticism of Red Delicious apples!

Dick: They're mealy!

Maddox: Are they not red? Are they not delicious? They are CRISP. They are REFRESHING.

Dick: Nooo.

Maddox: They…they have a good bite to them. They're fucking great.

Dick: Justin Main… there was a whole thread about apples on the website. Um…he says, "The source (Maddox, he's referring to) The source is his ass. (Maddox scoffs) I literally sell apples for a living."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Unnecessary "literally".

Maddox: I saw that. Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: He could have just said, "I sell apples." I don't figuratively sell apples for a living. (laughing)

Maddox: Wait, wait, do you figuratively? (laughs) Do you metaphorically sell apples?" "No, literally."

Dick: Oh, you ha…I guess maybe that's true. Um, my grandma…we told her that my brother-in-law worked for Apple.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And she thought that he sold, like, crates of apples.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh.

Dick: And she's like, "Oh, good for him, he's got a job. Like, can he get us a deal on apples?" We're like…um, anyway. "…for a living, and Red Delicious still sucks balls. Gala, McCoon, and Pinata are where it's at." So there's some apple tips for you.

Maddox: Uh…I've had a Pinata apple. Actually, Pinata's not bad. I like a Pinata apple. Pinata's very…you know, it's just…it's very similar to what…what are those? Oh, the Jazz apples? They have, like, the Jazz Apples. Pink Lady.

Dick: Jazzzzzzzzzzz Apples.

Maddox: Yellow Delicious. Granny Smith. My favorite are Rome. Talk about a…

Sean: Wait, wait, wait. You're gonna lump Granny Smith in with those other ones you just said/

Dick: Oh, God. Stop with the fucking apples!

Sean: It doesn't taste ANYTHING like that!

Maddox: Well, I know, but…but…the…(stammers) Look, the…Pinata…

Sean: Hipster…hipster apples!

Maddox: They're the hipster apples, man. (Dick laughs)

Sean: Anything that I don't like is a hipster apple!! (making fun of Maddox) (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: No, it's not…it's all marketing, Sean! (Dick guffaws) You're such a sucker! It's $2.99 a pound.

Dick: You're a sucker, Sean!

Sean: Hey. I'm a sucker for liking certain things!

Dick: You're getting suckered for these apples! (laughing)

Maddox: No, the apple companies…it's a consortium, and they all decide which apple to promote…(Dick cracks up) and then suddenly, you have Honey Crisps for $2.99 a pound?! Get fucked! Get outta here!

Dick: That's Big Apple!

Maddox: It's Big Apple!

Sean: Meanwhile, there's like 10 other…there's 10 other varietals of apple that I could pick that are cheap, but I just don't happen to like the taste, so I'm WRONG.

Maddox: Have you tried all the apples!? (Dick guffaws) But this dickhead who sells apples. Yeah, right. He doesn't eat that shit!

Dick: Justin Main! That's his business!

Maddox: No! Yeah. But he doesn't eat…I guarantee he doesn't eat them!

Dick: I'm sure you know which of your T-shirts is the most delicious!

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Great.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: You know what? These fuckers. Like, they…they have written off Red Delicious…

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Because a long time ago…some…it was really cool to hate on Red Delicious apples. (Dick cracking up) It's real fucking cool!

Dick: It's never cool. It was never cool to hate on Red Delicious apples!

Maddox: Oh, it's the coolest! People hate Red Delicious, man! They hate it, because it's so cool to make fun of Red Delicious. (Dick giggles) It's not! Okay? You're not cool, and Red Delicious is cool! It's a good apple!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I'll…I'll defend Red Delicious in my grave.

Dick: I don't wanna hear you ever talking about any homophone of apple ever again. Like, Apple computers…(Maddox chuckles) apple the fruit…whatever. Apple the recording label. I don't wanna hear your opinion on that.

Maddox: What if…what if, Dick. What if we fall in love and I wanna tell you some day that you're the apple of my eye?

Dick: If you believe that I love you…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If I'm saying that…you've got bigger problems than whatever conversation that is.

Maddox: Ahhh. That's true. Touche.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Okay. Dick, I got a comment from Angel Dorito. (Sean cracks up) (Maddox laughs) It's spelled with one "R", though, so it might be Dorito, or some silly variant. Anyway, he was defending me, 'cause a lot of people were jumping down my throat last episode.

Dick: Wait, can I play the voice mails for all the people jumping down your throat, first?

Maddox: Oh, great. Let's hear it. I wanna hear all these idiots.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Maddox, do you know what is a theory?"

Maddox: Ugh. (groans) (Dick laughs)

"This is the fucking shit they teach you in, like, the first year of your goddamn college, dude."

Maddox: Dumb shit. Fucking idiot. (Dick laughing)

"Like, Jesus Fucking Christ."

Maddox: Moron.

"It's not that hard to understand."

Dick: Hmm.

"There's no such thing as a fucking proof in science."

Maddox: Yes.

"Anyway, yeah. You're fucking stupid."

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Asshole.

"Um, Dick, uh…you're pretty alright, dude. You seem pretty reasonable.")

Dick: Yeah. Thanks. Just don't take my legal advice, I guess.

Maddox: Yeah. Or any advice.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: But listen, you fucking dope!

Dick: I got six more…(cracks up)

Maddox: Oh, let's hear…okay, let's hear it! (Dick cracks up) Just stack 'em! Let's just hear this. Get it all out! Get em all out. Let's hear these fucking morons!

(Voice mail: mail voice: Maddox…(inaudible) so tell me, a theory… (Dick laughs) is when it can be disproved? Are you like, legit stupid, or something?"

(Dick giggles incessantly)

(Sound effect: Boo)

Maddox: Fucking hate this guy.

"….(inaudible) theory is widely accepted, like the theory of evolution."

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles)

"The theory of gravity."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

"Something like that. So…you're dumb.")

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: You're dumb.

Maddox: Oh, really. Great argument. How about try forming one with a premise and a conclusion, you shitcock?!

Dick: Well, this guy might know what he's talking about.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: This one.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, this is Charles Darwin here…"

Dick: He's an expert.

Maddox: Charles Darwin! (giggles)

"And this is how I talk…"

Maddox: Wow! (Dick laughs)

"You guys seem to be kinda confused about how evolution works, so I just wanna tell you…uh, selective breeding is not actually…not evolution. It is both evolution and selective breeding. Selective breeding is just a subset."

Dick: I dunno.

Maddox: Right.

"Go fuck yourself, Dick.")

Dick: (laughing) I got one more.

Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear all these dopes!

(Voice mail: male voice: "I'm a pathogenic bacteria and this is how I talk. (they giggle) Maddox, you called the First Law of Thermodynamics an unproven theory?"

(Dick guffaws)

Maddox: I didn't say that!

Dick: Well…

"It's been tested and scrutizined, both scientifically and mathematically…

Dick: It's conservation of mass and energy.

Maddox: Well…

"Countless times. Never once has it been disproven. I don't have a central nervous system, and even I know that."

(Maddox groans)

Maddox: Dumb shit.

Dick: (laughing) Alright.

"But I guess that should be accepted from a guy who calls plugging his dick hole a science experiment.")

Maddox: It was a science experiment!! (Sean laughs)

Dick: That's true, you did say that!

Maddox: It was. I was trying to see if I could piss like a hose out of my penis!

Dick: So…

Maddox: For the benefit of humanity. I get nothing but disrespect!!

Dick: So what did Angel Dorito say in your defense?

Maddox: I…you know what?! (angry) Hold your horses! Hold your horses! All these dickheads. (Dick giggles) These cocksuckers. (Goofy voice) "Oh, Maddox, actually, nothing in science is proven. It's all theory! NYAAH!" No, it's not, dipshits! Have you guys ever heard of fucking math?! Huh!? Mathematical proofs?

Dick: Well, yeah…

Maddox: There are mathematical proofs that correlate to the observations that you make! The scientific method.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Is…you notice a phenomenon, right?

Dick: Oh, I know this is getting good.

Maddox: You observe it.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: You observe a phenomenon. Then you make a theory about it, right? Why it's occurring, or how it's occurring.

Dick: Hypothesis.

Maddox: Yes. And then you test your hypothesis.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: You analyze the data.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And then reformulate your hypothesis, and keep doing that in a loop until you find the solution. You find the answer. You find whatever it is.

Dick: Until it becomes a theory.

Maddox: Yeah, until it becomes…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A theory. But a law…is stronger than a theory.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Maddox: A scientific law…yes it is!

Dick: No, it's not!

Maddox: Yes, it fucking is! Google it, shithead! Google it right now!

Dick: Well, they're different, because a law is something that you observe and you never don't observe, and like…whether it has a theory to explain why it happens or not, the law is…something that just exists.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: A law…a law is something…a theory is something that we made up, a law is something that is just absolute in nature.

Maddox: Dick, you have elucidated nothing, and that's exactly what I'm saying!!!

Dick: What do you mean!? (exasperated) You can't rank them, they're different!

Maddox: No, but it's not a universal…it's not a law of nature. It only is…

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: …in so far as we don't…we haven't found a counterexample and we have no mathematical proof for it!

Dick: Well…

Maddox: (interjects) Here's the…here, lemme read this comment by Angel Dorito.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: He says…so he's replying to someone named Zack who made a very silly, childish, immature…

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Lowball, low-blow…

Dick: Low-brow…

Maddox: Shitty. Low-brow. All the lows.

Dick: Toilet humor.

Maddox: Toilet humor.

Dick: Juvenile.

Maddox: Juvenile.

Dick: Sophomoric.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins) Embarrassing, really. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Imbecilic.

Dick: Uneducated.

Maddox: Dumb.

Dick: Low intellect.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Unsophisticated.

Maddox: Uneducated.

Dick: Philistine.

Maddox: Pseudo-Intellectual.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Anti-Intellectual argument against me. These are all these people, right? (Dick guffaws) So he's saying, "Zack, shut the fuck up. I'm a physicist."

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: "so why won't your slow, fedora-wearing, retarded ass take your own advice and look up shit."

Dick: That's how a physicist talks?!

Maddox: Hey, (stammers) That's how a physicist talks, yeah!! (laughing)

Dick: Ugh. Trump's really lowered the bar.

Maddox: So he says, anyway, "Scientific laws are different from mathematical laws."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "In the sense that there isn't necessarily proof for them. I know your dense, Pillsbury-bread-boy-looking dumb ass doesn't understand very well what 'proof' means, so I'll explain it. For those of us that are real scientists and have taken classes in logic and mathematical proofs…" AKA, me. That's me. I'm just saying that. Me. Maddox. I'm saying that.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles) But he says, "For those of us…" but this is him again. "For those of us…"

Sean: Would have been a way stronger letter.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I thought your fans usually talked differently.

Maddox: No.

Dick: That's why I'm having a hard time following.

Maddox: No, this guy…this is…I'm just doing the voice that, naturally, like, it correlates to the words on the page.

Dick: Oh. Okay. (giggles)

Maddox: This is the voice. "For those of us that are real scientists and have taken classes in logic and mathematical proofs…(Dick giggles) the word 'proof' doesn't mean just any correlating evidence." Fuckface.

Dick: Oh, my god. (giggles)

Maddox: I added the "fuckface" part.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "A proof is the demonstration that a claim of theorem follows analytically from definition from the more fundamental axioms of logical systems."

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: That sounds like a mouthful, but listen. But hear me out. He goes on.

Dick: No, keep going. I'm getting really hard.

Maddox: Good. (Dick guffaws) "Scientific laws have not necessarily demonstrated to follow analytically from anything."

Dick: Oh, yeah. (aroused)

Maddox: "At times, they can be considered axiomatic themselves."

Dick: Oooh, (sexy) (Sean giggles)

Maddox: "They are the result of repeated observation regarding an abstract proposition that has been generalized inductively." And that's exactly the scientific theory that I just described, isn't it, shithead? The scientific method?

Dick: Keep going. (strains)

Maddox: "While the scientific law ..."(cracks up) Shut up. (Dick giggles) "While the scientific law may not be the same as the larger scientific theory...(Dick makes more sexual sounds) the matter of the fact is that the scientific law is a theoretical construct."

Dick: This is when I tap the head. (they all crack up)

Maddox: You're such a fucking dick!!!

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Stop being an asshole, and listen! (Dick cracks up) Pay attention! We're writing this down! Write this down, Dick!

Dick: Pay attention. (laughing)

Maddox: You might learn something for the first time in your life!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Write down everything I saw from now on. (Dick makes orgasm sounds) "Remember Newton's laws that paved the way for all of modern science? Huh? Well, those have since been rendered false by more sophisticated theories. They're still virtually true in most applications. They are of practical value. Guess what? The law of conservation of mass was rendered false too when special… (excuse me) when special relativity was developed."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "There's no way around it. There's no conservation of mass in modern physics. There is only conservation of energy under qualified conditions. We still use the term "law of conservation of mass" for practical reasons.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's not…a fucking…it's only a law insofar as, uh…okay, it holds true for a whole bunch of experiments.

Dick: All.

Maddox: But there's…no. No. There's no mathematical proof behind it.

Dick: Yeah. That's…okay. Um…

Maddox: But Einstein's general…

Dick: (interjects) While he was writing that paper, how many black holes burned down? While this physicist was off of his test tubes?

Maddox: Yeah. "Einstein's theory of relativity does have a mathematical proof behind it."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: In fact…in fact, he discovered it mathematically, first. Before he discovered…any observational things were…were tested. They couldn't test satellites going around Venus to test the clock on it. They couldn't test uh,,.gravitational lensing and all these things.

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: Those came after the fact. Einstein discovered most of it through mathematics alone! And that's why it's such a solid theory.

Dick: Why do you let these guys get to you so much?

Maddox: They're such assholes! (Dick cracks up) They're such dickheads! Morons.

Dick: You don't have to prove yourself to them! You know what you're talking about.

Maddox: Shitheads.

Dick: Fuck them!

Maddox: Fuck them.

Dick: Let's get to some real…problems.

Maddox: Alright, Dick.

Dick: I know you got a good one this week.

Maddox: I got a good one, Dick. This week. Because usually, before the show starts…we…we just tell each other…what we're gonna discuss.

Dick: Yeah. To make sure that we don't both bring in the same problem.

Maddox: Yeah, generally. And I…I know you didn't bring in this problem. This is a big one, Dick. I've been waiting a long time to bring this one in.

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: Libertarian Theory!! (Dick and Maddox crack up) Ahhh. (Sean groans)

Dick: Ahhh.

Maddox: That's a good groan from Sean! (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, 'cause nobody wants to hear it.

Maddox: (sighs) Yeah. No one wants to hear it, including me. I don't wanna hear that shit anymore!

Dick: What's your problem with people just wanting you to have more freedom? What is your problem with that?

Maddox: Hooo okay. (giggles) More freedom.

Dick: So what if we also want to wear cool hats?

Maddox: Yeah. Oookay. (grins) (they all laugh) Yeah. Libertarians wouldn't know the first thing about freedom.

Dick: And clone Ayn Rand.

Maddox: Yeah. You guys wouldn't know the first thing about freedom.

Dick: What?!

Maddox: There's this meme. I wanna read this meme on the…

Dick: (interjects) Alright.

Maddox: That's been floating around on the Internet first. Shows a picture of a cat.

Dick: Oh. (scoffs) So you know it's got good advice, then!

Maddox: Eh, it's just fun.

Dick: Hang in there, baby!!

Maddox: It's…it's a funny analogue. (Dick laughs) It's a funny analogue.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Listen to this. It's a picture of a cat looking up. Like, this little cat I'm showing this picture of. I'll post it on the website. It says, "All cats are Libertarians. Completely dependent on others, but fully convinced of their own independence." That's…that's a fucking Libertarian in a nutshell. Here.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Bravo, Maddox. Yeah. That's a good…that's a good argument.

Dick: Are you saying because, like, we drive on public roads and live in a society that's based on…like, a republic?

Maddox: Actually, exactly that, Dick.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Well, you kinda have to be.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That's how the system is.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles) I didn't have a choice.

Maddox: Um…Dick. Last episode, about the whole Kim Davis thing.

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: Um, you…you…

Dick: (interjects) Don't even say it. Let's have a ban on saying the name on the podcast.

Maddox: Well, that's fine. That's fine, Dick. There's a bit I haven't played in a long time. It's a fan favorite.

Dick: Yeah.

(Theme starts…."Dick….is full of shit… (Maddox laughs) yeaaaaah."

Dick: Ohh.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaah.


Maddox: Oooh. (giggles)

"What a draaaaaag."

Dick: This is…all your bits are this, though.

"What is truuuth?"

Dick: All your bits are me contradicting myself.

Maddox: No, this is different.

"What is fiction?"

Maddox: No, no. This is you not knowing shit.

Dick: Oh.

"Dick…doesn't know. (drums) Dick…….."

Maddox: Yeah. Dick doesn't know dick.

"Full of shiiiiiiiiiiiit.")

Maddox: Full of shit. Yeah, that's you! You're full of shit. 'Cause here's what you said last episode about the whole Kim Davis controversy, and that was the woman in Kentucky who was grandstanding and not signing documents to allow gay people…

Dick: (interjects) I don't think she was.

Maddox: Yeah, I know. And here's what you said.

(Dick: "There is a law saying you have to make concessions for people's beliefs a little bit. You have to try."

Maddox: Yeah. And they did. They did try.

Dick: See, I don't think they did.

Maddox: Yes, they did!!

Dick: No, no. Here's why…")

Maddox: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Dick: Yeah, okay.

Maddox: And then you went on. And I said that she was grandstanding, and you said, "No, I don't think they did." You said it now, and you said it then. Here's…here's what actually happened.

(News clip: "In fact, the judge did give Davis a second chance to comply…"

Dick: Oh, man.

"The five deputy clerks agreed to begin approving marriage licenses Friday. Davis had to agree not to interfere. When she refused, the judge ordered federal marshals to take her to jail.")

Maddox: Yeah. They gave her a chance. FIVE deputy clerks.

Dick: Dude, I gotta tell you. I don't wanna talk about Kim Davis anymore.

Maddox: Fine.

Dick: Like, people fucking hate it.

Maddox: Well, that's fine. But, but…the point remains, the judge did give her a chance, right?

Dick: I'll acquiesce the point just to not talk about it. Like, it's so much…it's overload. It's overload.

Maddox: Okay. Good. Good, Dick. I…(Sean laughs) So, back onto…

Dick: I don't care. (mouth full of food)

Maddox: No, because it's part of the whole libertarian construct, like, "Oh, the big bad federal government is comin' in and telling me what to do. They can't tell me to go to bed." (silly voice)

Dick: Well…

Maddox: (giggles) That's all it is! That's all it is.

Dick: Tocqueville said…uh…democracy in America will last until the government figures out that it can bribe the public for its votes. How…how do…you think that he's an idiot?

Maddox: I don't…I don't know that quote.

Dick: I didn't say that.

Maddox: I don't know who wrote it. Who are you quoting there?

Dick: Tocqueville? He's like a…scholar.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In the beginning stages of American democracy.

Maddox: Not familiar.

Dick: He came over here to…okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, I think the idea is sound.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: That the government can bribe people by giving them free shit. You don't think that's true? You don't think the idea of that is true? And possibly scary?

Maddox: I think it's possible that the government could bribe people for things.

Dick: Possibly?

Maddox: In fact, I just talked to a Filipino couple…last weekend.

Dick: Is that necessary?

Maddox: Yeah. I'll tell you why.

Dick: That we say he's…

Maddox: I'll tell you why.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Because he said that in the Philippines, the government actually does bribe the citizens to vote, but, like, 10 dollars.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles) Well.

Maddox: They give 'em 10 dollars to vote.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Um, but anyway, Dick…

Dick: Gas money.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You gotta get there.

Maddox: Little pocket money.

Dick: You gotta get there. Get a little something nice on the way home, too.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Get a chicken. Get a chicken. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Hey, that's a…

Dick: (interjects) Get a chicken for your wife, too!

Maddox: Ohhhh. You can buy two chickens with that. Alright.

Dick: Maybe a dog.

Maddox: So I went to…I went to this website, Dick. I dunno. Maybe this is…maybe this is…fucking Dick. This is…

Dick: As a pet!! What do you…what do you mean?! (Maddox laughs) What do you and Sean mean?!

Maddox: Ohh, perfect. Bravo! (Dick laughs) Ass. Um, I have…I have a website that…

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: That has a bunch of Libertarian principles on it.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I think…I think it's authoritative.

Dick: Let's go. (grins)

Maddox: Right? It's…libertarianparty….

Dick: Child pornography should be legal, right?

Maddox: . The website has this big banner at the top that says, "The Party of Principle".

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then it says, (goofy voice) "Minimum Government, Maximum Freedom"!

Dick: I…yeah. I support that.

Maddox: (giggles) Yeah, you suppo…

Dick: I support that.

Maddox: See? The problem is, Dick, you and all the other libertarian shitheads in the comments…(Dick laughs) Like, oh, every time you're like "What's wrong with smaller government?! Hey!!"

Dick: Man they really got you last week with that science shit!

Maddox: "Meeeeh. Heeeeey, Heeey, Maddox! What's wrong with small government?" The problem is that any time you define a government to be a certain size, some shithead's gonna come along and be like, "Well that government's too big! We should make it smaller!"

Dick: Well yeah, but that's okay!

Maddox: There's no…how do you define it, though?! Libertarians are not self-consistent. You can't define what a small government is!

Dick: They feel like it now, it should be less. Now there should be less government.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what they think. What's wrong with that?!

Maddox: They allllllllways think that.

Dick: Always think that since when!?!?

Maddox: Yes! I am skeptical. I am suspicious of any political party who claims to want smaller government and yet is still running for government. Okay. You guys are the ones gonna fix this problem? Sure! Let's see how you do it, shithead!

Dick: Well, what? Should they do like ISIS and just start blowing shit up until they do what we want?

Maddox: Dick…

Dick: You gotta run and get in there to change the system!

Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.

Dick: You can dismantle pieces of the government from inside.

Maddox: Sure! Gotta fuck for virginity, right? That's what…that's exactly what that is.

Dick: No, it's about, like, ending wasteful programs.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaaaaah. (skeptical)

Dick: And programs that don't work.

Maddox: Of course. 'Cause they…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, "of course"?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, the drug war. The war on terror. The many, many wars that are spanning the face of the Earth!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Republicans didn't end them. Democrats didn't end them. Put a libertarian in! They'll end the wars!

Maddox: Well, Republicans for the most part, started them. The two biggest wars that America has ever been in, Iraq and Afghanistan, 14 years now we've been in Afghanistan! Republicans started! Republicans are closer to libertarian ideology then Liberals, or Independents, or even Socialists, for that…

Dick: Thank you. That's true.

Maddox: So they started that. They started the war on drugs. Ronald Reagan, Conservative sweetheart. Conservative darling…

Dick: He's not libertarian, though.

Maddox: Yeah, but he's…his principles are often lionized by libertarians.

Dick: You think he's libertarian?

Maddox: No, he's not.

Dick: No, I don't think Ronald Reagan's lionized by libertarians.

Maddox: Ronald Reagan…Ronald Reagan was, I would say, in my estimation, a pretty decent Conservative. Like, as far as conservatives go, he's probably one of the best.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh…he's not perfect. He obviously made really big, fucked-up mistakes, like…like the war on drugs.

Dick: China.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. The war on drugs, sure.

Maddox: Yeah. He made mistakes. But anyway, man. Uh, back to…I wanna say something that I disagree with a lot of Obama's politics. Something he said when he was first elected in office. Was, he said that it's not the size of the government that matters. It's whether or not the government runs efficiently, and works efficiently.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I couldn't agree more. Because the same thing could be said of corporations and any large organization. Charities. Any large organizations.

Dick: Just buy stocks that only go up. That's what he's saying.

Maddox: No…

Dick: Make sure the government always works, and works well. Like, yeah, okay, but it never has.

Maddox: No, that's not true, Dick, because right now, it's more…

Dick: (interjects) Have you been to the DMV?

Maddox: Yeah, but the DMV's the constant example that you always give.

Dick: Post office?

Maddox: Libraries work fine. Uh…the post office is not a fully government organization.

Dick: Libraries work fine? (skeptical)

Maddox: Yeah. Libraries are great.

Dick: Why the hell do they even exist?

Maddox: (scoffs) 'Cause people like to read, Dick.

Dick: You need books? You need a bunch of dumb books sitting in a warehouse, sitting on prime real estate?

Maddox: Well, Dick…

Dick: And jackoff machines for homeless people?

Maddox: Ugh. Maybe…maybe in…

Dick: I don't need that. Why am I paying for that?

Maddox: Yeah. Well, some of us do reading and research, and we go to libraries sometimes.

Dick: Lemme…lemme ask you this. How's this for a libertarian principle? When I pay health insurance, I shouldn't have to pay for maternity shit as a single man.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay. That's exactly libertar…that's a perfect libertarian philosophy.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Not me. I…I don't use it, so not me. But the problem is, Dick, there are certain…services and there are certain programs that society can benefit from at large.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That no one person or institution or organization is tasked with creating. Or even can create.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like…uh…hold on. But before I get ahead of myself.

Dick: Yeah. Go through your list.

Maddox: I wanna say something.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I brought in two problems this week.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And the reason I'm gonna mention my second problem now…

Dick: The second one better not be me.

Maddox: (laughs) No, no. The reason I want to mention it now…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Dick, is because it's basically the same problem. Uh…it's…it's a problem that is a perfect example of the problem with libertarian theory. And I'm not gonna say libertarians or libertarianism, because no libertarian government has ever existed. No proper, working libertarian government.

Dick: Yeah, but it's an idea.

Maddox: The closest thing is, like, what? Ethiopia or something like that.

Dick: But there's not…like, Democrats and Republicans aren't clearly defined.

Maddox: Hold on, hold on.

Dick: The party changes over years.

Maddox: Lemme tell you what the…what the second problem is.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay. Homeowner's Associations. Yeah!

Dick: Yeah. They're a…I hate them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're a big problem.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

(Sound effect: Applause)

Maddox: Homeowner's Associations!

Dick: I hate them 'cause they fucking nail me with huge fees. I think they're unnecessary.

Sean: Shit, Dick wrote a song about it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Did you really?

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Homeowner's Association, Dick, is the perfect example…

Dick: For everybody who doesn't know, it's the governing body of a local neighborhood that charges you and sets up a bunch of rules and regulations.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: On how you can manage your own house.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, you have to do your yard. You can't paint your house pink. Shit like that. Sometimes they charge very little. Sometimes they charge $110 a year. Sometimes they charge an outrageous amount, like, if they're running a fucking golf course.

Maddox: They are a NIGHTMARE. I loathe homeowner's associations. They are…a perfect example of a microcosm of government.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Out of fucking CONTROL. A tiny little government that is completely self-regulated and self-enclosed and ALL they fucking do is get in your business.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: That's a homeowner's association!

Dick: They're the worst.

Maddox: That's a libertarian government.

Dick: No, no, no!

Maddox: A tiny, small government! That's all it is!

Dick: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Maddox: What's the difference?

Dick: Why do you think that?

Maddox: You want small government? A homeowner's association is a perfect example of that.

Dick: Oh, Maddox, you don't know what is a libertarian…

Maddox: Well…

Dick: If you think an HOA is what libertarians want…

Maddox: Yeah…that's…that's a perfect example of it.

Dick: No, no, no. Okay, first of all. First of all. I don't like homeowner's associations, but if they exist, I want them to be extremely small. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: (laughs) 'Cause those are good. I lived in a small one! And they were still shitheads!

Dick: Well, then dismantle it!

Maddox: Huh, great.

Dick: Like, in my ideal world, I want NO homeowner's association!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, I…(stammers) a libertarian does not want a homeowner's association!

Maddox: But a ho…

Dick: That's very important that you realize that!

Maddox: Well, fine.

Dick: That's not a libertarian government!

Maddox: Well, you say that, but that's a perfect example of a libertarian government.

Sean: No, it isn't!

Dick: No, it is not!

Maddox: Because it…so, then, tell me Se…wait, wait, I wanna…

Dick: Oh, you're gonna get RAPED in the comments this week.

Maddox: I feel like Sean…I feel like Sean is…

Sean: I'm gonna let them just have at it.

Maddox: No, no, no.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: 'Cause that's…exactly the opposite.

Dick: It's not worth it.

Maddox: I feel like generally, Sean is a voice of reason sometimes. Sean, I wanna know why you think it's not.

Sean: Because a libertarian would not want a government at all.

Maddox: I know…I know what a libertarian…but Sean, can you agree that what a libertarian says they want and what a libertarian ideal is, is two different things. They say they don't want any kind of government like that.

Dick: No, you're putting him on the spot asking him these trick questions.

Maddox: No! That's not a trick question! Answer the question, Sean. Do you think that's different? What they say they want, and what it is. Like, a small government…

Sean: What do you mean, what they say they want, versus what it is?

Maddox: They…they say they want more liberties, but a homeowner's association imposes fines and their will on every aspect of your life.

Dick: They're the opposite of liberty!

Sean: But that's not a libertarian government. Yeah, that's…

Maddox: (interjects) But it's a small government, isn't it?

Dick: They don't want small government that's in your backyard!

Sean: Small…small in relation to what? It's…it has…

Maddox: (interjects) Exactly!

Dick: No, that's not exactly!

Maddox: Yeah!

Sean: You're talking about a small government.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Because it only lords over 100 houses.

Maddox: Right. That's a small government.

Dick: No, no. It's not a small government if they have a major impact in your life, then that's a huge government!

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh. Okay. So by definition…

Dick: Less interference!

Maddox: Less interference. Oh, I see.

Dick: More freedom! Less gover…less interference in YOUR life!

Maddox: So you could have…

Dick: (interjects) Let you do what you want to DO.

Maddox: 'Cause most homeowner's associations, like, for….I lived in an apartment complex with, I think, 90 different tenants? And there was a homeowner's association made up of 8 people. Made everyone's lives a living hell. Do you think it would have been better if they, say, I dunno, had 100 people on the homeowner's association?

Dick: No, I think that you should have…first of all, you didn't own the condo, so your opinion is totally worthless in this scenario.

Maddox: Doesn't matter. I live there.

Dick: (scoffs) But you don't have any rights.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: It's their community.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If you own a condo there…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You've gotta run for the board.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: I mean, that's what…if your homeowner's association fucks with you too much, you run for the board…my father did this. And you try to fix it from the inside.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like…but libertarians want as little intervention from a homeowner's association as possible.

Maddox: So you would say…

Dick: If they have to do landscaping, collect fees for landscaping, and then give all the money back.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's it.

Maddox: Well, um…I…I have this clip. From the Mercatus Center. The Mercatus Center is a libertarian think tank. They have this…they have this YouTube video. (giggles) There's this website. It is… And every year, they rank…

Dick: Sounds like a crazy site.

Maddox: (giggles) They rank…it's a libertarian website. They rank the most…

Dick: Well…

Maddox: The most free…(Dick laughs) The most free states, right? The most free states in the United States.

Dick: Okay, yeah.

Maddox: Here's this YouTube video they came out with. Listen to this.

Dick: Alright.

(Clip starts, patriotic music, male voice: "Every two years, all 50 states convene to compete for the title of Most Free State…"

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: Yeah.

"The winner will receive more residents, fewer burdensome rules that slow growth, and fewer nanny state regulations!")

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Yeah. Okay.

Maddox: Alright. The winner's going to get more residents living there, fewer nanny state regulations, uh…fewer burdens and regulations that choke growth, right? And here are the states that make…

Dick: (interjects) Well, it's a nice idea.

Maddox: Yeah. It's a nice idea, on paper. And here are the states that made the cut.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Here are the states. Here are the states.

(Clip continues: "New Hampshire is looking especially confident coming off its win in 2011! I'm wondering how New York will do! They don't look too good!"

Maddox: And then on this…

Dick: This is a really bad video. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: And then the video of New York…(Dick laughs) it shows New York anchored with all these, like, literal anchors.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then they have all these little tags on it that say, "Regulation" and "Nanny state" and all this other shit, right? So…so here are the states that actually made the cut.

"Ready to kick off at the Fiscal Policy swim! Bang! And they're off. Low taxes are giving South Dakota an early lead, followed by Tennessee!"

Dick: Oh, my God! Ugggh.

"But New Jersey and Hawaii are WAY behind! Weighed down by taxation and debt! (Dick cracks up) Ho ho! I think New York might drown out there!")

Maddox: Oh ho! Did you hear that last part? New York's gonna drown out there! Yeah. New York is CHOKING with taxation and debt. You know, New York, they're really struggling, uh, that shit economy, in New York. Let's…let's talk about New Hampshire and Tennessee.

Sean: New York City went bankrupt.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, but they're still making…(stammers)

Dick: Uh-oh! (laughs)

Maddox: I mean, they gross more than all these states combined, Sean.

Dick: Yeah, but they're also, like, a major port city.

Sean: There's nine million people in Manhattan!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, sounds like a real shitty place to live if 9 million people wanna live there!

Dick: It's been shitty to live there before.

Maddox: Here, let's go on. Well, let's finish this.

(Clip continues: "ready to race today! South Dakota is out of the water and onto the regulatory wall climb! Wow. Indiana and Delaware are rocketing up the wall! West Virginia's liability system and New Jersey's abuse of property rights are leaving them stuck in molasses!

Different guy: "There's New York again! I think their back's gonna give out!")

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, New York, Euuuuugh! (silly voice) (laughs) It's stupid.

Dick: It is a stupid video.

Maddox: Yeah. It's a stupid video. And here's…here's the…the top 10…

Dick: There's probably videos like that for eve…all sides.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) I'm sure. I'm sure.

Dick: Well, you say that like there isn't, but there probably is. (grins)

Maddox: I mean, yeah, but this is…this is one of the top videos.

Dick: You wanna bring in a video game unboxing and see how lame that sounds?

Maddox: No.

Dick: (goofy voice) Uh hey, I got Dark Souls 2, today. (Maddox giggles) Great game, but let's see what the package looks like.

Maddox: Yeah…no. So this is the…according to this libertarian think tank…

Dick: What was…well, what was the problem with that? Oh, you're getting to that right now. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Lemme…lemme read the…these are the top 10 states that are the most free, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Number one…

Dick: I know why you didn't tell me what the problem was, now. Because then I would've prepared something about…great about libertarianism.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: And now I'm sandbagged!

Maddox: You should already know! (Dick scoffs) You're a hardcore libertarian!

Sean: I'm still…I'm still reeling from his absolutely retarded take…(Dick guffaws) on HOA and being small government and using that as an example of what libertarians want.

Dick: It's not…it's not what libertarians want!

Sean: I'm not a libertarian, but…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: It's just…it's a completely false pretense.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You fucking weasels are impossible to nail to the wall, because you're just slippery little fucks! 'Cause anytime I say "This is an example of a small government! How come tha…" and you're like "No, that's not libertarian, 'cause it's shitty!"

Dick: No, 'cause it's…

Maddox: (Interjects) Every single time!

Dick: …invasive.

Maddox: Yeah. Invasive.

Dick: It's invasive and not representative.

Maddox: Oh, sure. Well, here are the top 10…here are the top 10 states.

Dick: As proof that you didn't feel you were represented on yours. Go ahead, top 50 states.

Maddox: Dick. A libertarian think tank came up with the top 10 most free states.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Number one is North Dakota. Number two is South Dakota. Number three is Tennessee. Then New Hampshire. Then Oklahoma. Then Idaho. Missouri. Virginia. Georgia. And, my very own home state of Utah.

Dick: Utah.

Maddox: Utah! The most free?!! Fuck you!! And by the way, these regulations that are supposedly crippling the economy and…and choking growth, and choking economic activity, are any of these states known for anything? For jack…they're known for jack shit!

Dick: They're known for being free.

Maddox: They're not power…(giggles) They're not powerhouses. They're not powerhouses of economic activity.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: North Dakota, South Dak…Tennessee? What the fuck comes outta Tennesee? 'Cept for babes! (laughs) (Sean laughs) No, but seriously! Nothing comes out…

Dick: Good country music.

Maddox: Idaho?! Idaho..Idaho made the fucking list.

Dick: Potatoes. Come on!

Maddox: Utah.

Dick: Those are the most free potatoes ever.

Sean: People…people want to live on the coasts.

Dick: Yeah. That's…

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh. Is that why? (taunts) Ohhhhh.

Dick: You go with your…

Sean: (interjects) That's exactly why!

Maddox: Oh. So…so…

Sean: He says it like it's stupid!

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah, like…

Dick: People live with their families. People don't move…

Maddox: But also, Chicago. Chicago's not on the coast. Chicago's one of the biggest cities in the US. San Francisco. Well, that's on the coast, I guess.

Sean: Big shipping port.

Maddox: Yeah, but…anyway.

Dick: People want to live in big cities.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What is your problem…

Maddox: Toronto…

Dick: That's where commerce happens.

Maddox: Chicago…sure. Not…in these big cities…you know…(stammers) (Dick giggles) these libertarians are saying that regulation cripples the economy, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And these are the least free states. But here's what pisses me off about you libertarians, 'kay?

Dick: Uh-huh. (irritated)

Maddox: You guys. You slippery fucks. Because I…

Sean: Don't lump me in with libertarians.

Dick: Yeah, he's not a libertarian.

Maddox: Not you, Sean. I'm looking at Dick over here. I…I lived in a state that is libertarian-learning. One of the most conservative states in the union.

Dick: Utah?

Maddox: Utah.

Dick: Libertarian leaning? What do you mean, libertarian leaning?

Maddox: Oh, absolutely. They're so fucking conservative. Like, outside of…

Dick: (interjects) That doesn't mean libertarian, though.

Maddox: Well, hold on. Hold on. Outside of conservatives, libertarians are like the next biggest thing in Utah and Montana. Like, it's all libertarians. Here's some rules and regulations…this "most free" list, right? This libertarian think tank…here are things you can't do in Utah. Lemme just refresh your memory. Can't buy alcohol freely. Alcohol is limited to 3.2%. Drinks in restaurant have to be made behind a Zion curtain, so outside of the view of other potential…customers and kids.

Dick: Yeah, but you're proof…

Sean: Those are hardcore conservatives who wanna legislate morality.

Dick: Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Lemme say this, hold on.

Maddox: (interjects) (stammers) But again, this is the most free.

Dick: Lemme say this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're proving the libertarian philosophy…

Maddox: Oh, there it is…(cracks up)

Dick: By simply moving out of Utah.

Maddox: Ahhh. (sighs)

Dick: In moving out of Utah, you took you and your business to a place that had better laws. Proving their philosophy that if you let people…if you let states be autonomous, people will vote with their feet.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: And the better system of government will prevail.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: You took money out of Utah because of their morality shit. Over time, the idea is that they'll learn and they'll be weaker.

Maddox: It's not just…it's not just that. You can't buy liquor in grocery stores. They won't admit anyone into a bar after 1 AM. You couldn't order alcohol before food until 2013. Until 2013, if you go to a restaurant and you order a beer…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You'd have to order food first, and it has to come to your table before you get your beer.

Dick: It seems like you're…

Maddox: (interjects) Adult stores are highly regulated. Porn is censored. Vaginas and penises are digitized. Drugs are strictly prohibited. There's no prostitution. Fireworks are restricted. It's STRONGLY anti-gay marriage.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's exactly the argument you were making last time, Dick. You said, "Well marriage should go to the states."

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: But here's the thing, bozo…

Dick: (interjects) Well, no, the argument I was making is that it should go to people.

Maddox: Ohhhh, the people are the state then, right.

Dick: No.

Maddox: Then what's the difference?

Dick: People…because it's their personhood. Like, people have the ability to make contracts.

Maddox: Dick, but…but you have to be able to recognize it, right? You can't just…like, you and I can make a contract here…

Dick: We have a legal system, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, exactly. And that's why you need government. That's why you need government to enforce it. Because if some…(Dick giggles)

Dick: (interjects) I feel like you're agreeing with…

Maddox: (interjects) Lemme finish this. Lemme finish this.

Dick: Okay. Go ahead.

Maddox: If some…if some goofy state, like Kentucky.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Passes a law that says, "Well, we don't recognize gay marriage." And let's say libertarian Dick Masterson comes along and goes "That's a good law, because you should believe what you want."

Dick: (interjects) I didn't say it's a good law.

Maddox: Well, hold on. You should be able to…

Dick: (interjects) Well don't tell me I think it's a good law to gay people to get married.

Maddox: I…this is a hypothetical.

Dick: Then don't use my fucking name!!

Maddox: Okay. (giggles) (Sean laughs) But…but you did say…

Sean: This has been every argument…

Dick: I know!!

Sean: "Well, this is what they believe!" and it's like, "No, this is not what they believe!"

Dick: It's like, "That's not what they believe!" (incredulous)

Maddox: But you did say that it should go to the states. You said that, last episode.

Dick: I said that I would prefer states over the federal government to make the call, yeah!!

Maddox: Okay. Here's the problem with that. If a state…say, like, 10…10 out of the 50 states…

Dick: (interjects) By the way, I…go ahead.

Maddox: Lemme finish this. If 10 out of the 50 states recognize gay marriage.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And you get married in one of these states. And then, your job transfers you to a state that doesn't recognize gay marriage. What then?

Dick: Well then it's not recognized anymore.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh! So it's a goofy…so then what, Dick? How do you solve this problem?

Dick: I dunno, what do you mean, "Then what?" Then what happened, happened. (Maddox scoffs) Like, it existed for a while where a small number of states had gay marriage. Then, the world changed. Like, what do you want me to say, then what?

Maddox: Yeah. Well…

Dick: What do you mean then what? How would you want me to answer that?! (mad) That was the past!!!

Maddox: All I hear…all I hear is "Less regulation, less intrusion into people's lives."

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: "Less restrictions. Less everything. Smaller government." But no solutions! Gimme a solution the problem!

Dick: Stop the war…the gay marriage one?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Stop regulating it. Stop regulating marriage.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh.

Dick: Stop regulating, um…contracts people are getting into personally. Stop regulating it!!

Maddox: Ohhhh.

Dick: It's none of your fucking business!

Maddox: Less regulation. You should…look, the energy should be deregulated, right?

Dick: Energy?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ugh, fuck! I have no idea what you think you mean by that.

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: What do you mean, energy should be deregulated?

Maddox: Every li…I love getting into this argument. Every libertarian…

Dick: (interjects) It's not an argument…

Maddox: …I've ever talked to. Hold on, let me…

Dick: (interjects) It's the same bag…

Maddox: Lemme finish, dude. Lemme finish. Every libertarian I've ever talked to.

Dick: Yeah. (sighs)

Maddox: Loves the energy deregulation idea. They love that energy should be a free market, it should be deregulated, and companies should be able to do whatever they want.

Dick: I don't know what any…I don't know what half of that means.

Maddox: What do you think it means?

Dick: That companies should be able to do whatever they want?

Maddox: Yeah, no regulation.

Dick: I have no idea.

Maddox: No government oversight.

Dick: Of…what, of energy?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No, that seems pretty…uh, un…infeasible, because it's a gigantic, public good! Do you know a lot of libertarians who are holding parades for "Let companies do whatever they want with energy"?

Maddox: Well…I know a lot of libertarians who are saying goofy things like "Energy should be deregulated", but you know what happens when energy does get deregulated, Dick? These shifty fuckers, like Enron, come along.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they…start doing backdoor deals.

Dick: Illegal things.

Maddox: And shady operations. Illegal things!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's why these regulations exist!

Dick: In collusion with the government, though.

Maddox: That's why these…no. The government literally deregulated the energy markets, and that's why Enron became a big problem.

Dick: Look. It worked for the phone companies. They got deregulated…(giggles)

Maddox: Phone companies are great! I fucking love my cell phone! Name one fucking good cell phone company, shithead!!

Dick: Do you remember how expensive it used to be to make long distance calls, 'cause they had a big ol' regulated monopoly?

Maddox: It's more expensive NOW! I'm paying more for my phone bill now than when I had a landline, even with long distance calls! I'm paying more for my fucking phone, 'cause the phone companies view your data as different than voice.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Voice and data are going over the same fuckin' stream, yet somehow, you have to pay for data AND you have to pay for voice.

Dick: And you think you're paying more for this…

Maddox: Absolutely.

Dick: …than back when modems went bing-bong, bing-bong? You remember the phone bills people would get, then?

Maddox: I paid, like, $40 a month flat. Period. And that was it. And I used all the data I wanted to. There was no data caps. Now I have to pay for internet. Now I have to pay…are you really arguing that cell phone companies are a great model of deregulation?

Dick: No. Cell phone companies are not what was deregulated. It was the phone lines. There weren't cell phones back then.

Maddox: Phone companies. Yeah.

Dick: It was just…distance lines, 'cause the lines were already in. So, like, we all paid to put the lines in and then we're like, "Okay, you get a certain amount of time to make your money back. To run this." And they said "Well, that's not really fair anymore. Now you gotta compete." Everybody, cut it up, cut all the companies up, now you guys gotta compete with each other to…to supply cheaper long distance rates. Like, it's gotta work out like a fair market.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Which is a libertarian thing. Like, make things…sometimes, it's better to make things competitive.

Maddox: When do you think that regulation is good, Dick?

Dick: That is such a retarded question.

Maddox: No, it's not. What's wrong with that question? Answer the question. When do you think regulation is good?

Dick: This is…this is a Senate committee hearing.

Maddox: Slippery fuck. You can't nail him down. You can't nail him down.

Dick: No, no,.no. I love the…

Maddox: (interjects) Answer the question.

Dick: I love that it takes three words for you to start grandstanding again. Like, you are totally grandstanding like a senator. Like you're showing off for everybody, 'cause you have this assumption of what being a libertarian is…when is regulation good? Uh, fuck, I don't know. When it's a public utility, like a road? It works then, a lot of the times. Sometimes, toll roads work. Sometimes, toll roads are doing great. Sometimes, it's good to not have a public utility regulated. Lighthouses get built. Sometimes it's good to make the people who stand to profit the most put in the money to build it. Like, I would if, um…I dunno, Wal-Mart contributed more to the National Interstate Highway system than the rest of us, 'cause they're using it to sell cheap shit!

Maddox: Ohh.

Dick: Like…

Maddox: So do you think that there should be some regulation, say, if there was a public asset, or a public good that…a public resource, let's say.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like fuel. Like fuel.

Dick: Fuel's not a public resource.

Maddox: Fuel is a finite resource. Fuel is a finite, limited resource, right?

Dick: Yeah, but see, now…this is a great example of where I'm like…

Maddox: (interjects) Well, hold on.

Dick: I don't agree with that.

Maddox: Okay. Well, okay. Why not, Dick? You just said that Wal-Mart should pay more because they're using it more. So couldn't you apply that same logic to fuel and say that people who drive Hummers should pay more. People should pay a Hummer tax.

Dick: Well, they do.

Maddox: And then we should start…

Dick: (interjects) There's a gas tax. If you use more gas, you pay more of the gas tax.

Maddox: No, but th…

Dick: (interjects) It's very simple.

Maddox: No, but they…they can still…they can just buy as much as they want.

Dick: Well, yeah. That's called a free market. I'm fine with that.

Maddox: Yeah. Okay.

Dick: You know. It's…it all shakes out, because everybody pays the same amount of tax on the fuel.

Maddox: Well isn't Wal-Mart then paying into the system just like anyone else, use it or not? In fact, people who don't use it at all, cyclists, for example, who aren't using the road nearly as much as cars, are still paying tax to maintain it.

Dick: Yeah, well, I dunno. What do you want?

Maddox: Do you think that's fair?

Dick: You're asking me if it's fair, or if it should be regulated? It's a public road! It's gotta be regulated.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: It can't be anybody paving roads anywhere they want!

Maddox: But they do! They make toll roads everywhere, Dick. Isn't that a libertarian fantasy?

Dick: No, that's a…no. It's…

Maddox: Huh?

Dick: It's a very in-depth process to get a toll road approved. It's not a free market for roads spanning across America.

Maddox: So you think it's good that toll roads exist. Or, excuse me, I'm sorry…

Dick: If they're working.

Maddox: That's not what I meant to ask. Do you think it's good that government exists to make roads and that sort of thing? Like, public utilities and public things that people access?

Dick: That's what it should be for. That's ALL they should do.

Maddox: Ohhhhh. Okay.

Dick: Is in…what do you mean, "Oh, okay", like a smug asshole? (Maddox laughs) Like, you think…like, you're not catching libertarians on any of this shit!

Maddox: That's 'cause I can't. You guys are slippery!

Dick: Everybody thinks…no! Maddox, because you don't understand what is a libertarian! (Maddox giggles) A libertarian would say, "Look, drugs aren't hurting anybody. Just let people do it." Like, that's what…that's what the libertarian philosophy is. If you're not harming anyone else, you get to do it.

Maddox: Ahhh.

Dick: If everybody in LA gets together and says, "We want a bunch of freeways". Like, you guys go ahead and figure it out. But don't make people in Nebraska pay for it! 'Cause they don't need a bunch of fucking freeways! Like, in LA, it makes sense for everybody to put in more for freeways! Fine. Making that a federal thing, everybody has to pay this percentage of their income tax for freeways, doesn't make any sense!

Maddox: I'll tell you what doesn't make sense, Dick. Is when you have a bunch of states that decide that they don't want to fund the military anymore. And they decide.. they pass legislation and they say, "You know what? No more of our tax money is going to the military, 'cause we're not gonna use it."

Dick: Sure. I'd be for that!

Maddox: Oh, great. And then next thing you know, the military's completely defunded, or defunded to the point where they're crippled, and then our national security is impacted.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Well, wouldn't it be nice if some government came in and said, "No, you have to pay taxes whether you agree with it or not, because this is generally good for our national security, etc, etc."

Dick: 9/11. 9/11, 9/11. You forgot that.

Maddox: What about it?

Dick: You forgot just repeating 9/11, because this is fear mongering.

Maddox: Well, no, no. I totally agree. I totally agree that 9/11 was handled poorly, but…

Dick: (interjects) No, because God forbid that we don't have a shitload of war all the time, right?

Maddox: Well, right. Right.

Dick: God forbid that some states would want to reduce the amount of money we're paying into a gigantic fucking complex that just goes around and kills people with baseball cards!!

Maddox: So, then, Dick…

Dick: God forbid!

Maddox: That's fine. I agree with that. But then who decides what's a worthy cause and what's not?

Dick: The states?!

Maddox: The libertarians?

Dick: People!

Maddox: Oh, the states.

Dick: People decide!

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh. (condescending)

Dick: Like, people are smart! When they get together in groups, they can make these decisions! They don't need it made for them!

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: They don't need it made for them by people who are offering them free shit for the opportunity to do so!

Maddox: Dick, there's…there's definitely problems with our government, because they are coerced by lobbyists and special interest groups, for sure. But, also, government can be functional, and there are lots of successful government programs.

Dick: Any libertarian would admit that.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Any libertarian would admit that. They're not ANARCHISTS.

Maddox: So it's clear…

Dick: That's the fundamental difference you do not understand!! (angry)

Maddox: Well, then you…(stammers) I want any slippery fuck libertarian to tell me what size of government we can live by and what…

Dick: But it's different for everybody!

Maddox: Ohhhhh. Exactly my point!

Dick: Every city and every state! They should decide how big they want their government to be!

Maddox: Like a homeowner's association.

Dick: (sighs) Yeah………

Maddox: Clearly, I don't understand…look, guys.

Dick: (interjects) Oh, clearly, you don't understand anything about this!

Maddox: I don't understand. I don't understand anything. So I…I actually brought in the libertarian party principles.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Right? And I have a song to play for this…for this part right here. Here we go.

(Clip starts, kazoo theme plays…

Maddox: This is from Chris Tanaka-Canwell.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Yeah. He made that song. I use it on my YouTube videos. But this is the libertarian party principles, alright?

Dick: You've got some…what's your most recent YouTube video, since we're talking about it…what's the…let's pitch that.

Maddox: My cooking…my cooking video's coming out. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, I did my cooking video.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Anyway, it actually should be out as of this recording. Anyway.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Libertarian Party Principles. Here we go. (Sean laughs) (presidential voice) "As libertarians, we seek a world of liberty! A world in which all individuals are sovereign over their own lives!!"

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: "And no one is forced to sacrifice his or her values for the benefit of others!"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (lisp gets worse) "We believe that…"(Dick laughs) "Respect for individual rights is essential. Preconditions for a free and prosperous world. That force and fraud must be banished from human relationships, and that only through freedom can peace and prosperity be realized!"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Consequently, we defend each person's right to engage in any activity that is peaceful and honest and (giggles) welcome the diversity that freedom brings!"

Sean: What voice is he doing?

Dick: Ahh, I don't know.

Maddox: "This…the world…"

Sean: Is that Officer Barbrady from South Park?

Maddox: (laughing) "The world we seek to build…"

Dick: (interjects) It's a guy who's about to have a foot shoved up his ass. (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: "The world we seek to build is one where individuals are free to follow their own dreams, in their own ways, without interference from government or any authoritarian power."

Dick: What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that?

Maddox: "Any authoritarian power."

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: "These specific policies are not our goal, however."

Dick: Yeah…(grins) Okay.

Maddox: "Our goal is nothing more, nor less, than a world set free in our lifetime and it is…(Dick laughs) that we may take these stands. Libertarian party. Libertarians."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's their principles.

Dick: I mean, you know the Internet is like a perfect libertarian utopia, right?

Maddox: Well, yeah. Up until corporations start to meddle and destroy net neutrality.

Dick: Corporations aren't doing that, the government is.

Maddox: No, the corporations are fucking…

Dick: (interjects) The corporations…

Maddox: They are lobbying the government!

Dick: So who's doing the fucked up thing?

Maddox: The corporations!

Dick: The fucking government is, you dipshit!! (angry) The corporations are just bribing them to do it!! They shouldn't have that power in the first place!!

Maddox: It's the corporations.

Dick: Jesus Christ!!

Maddox: Well, if someone doesn't regulate it, Dick, then…then corporations can do whatever they want. They only thing keeping net neutrality neutral is the fucking government, shithead!! (yells) (Dick laughs) And these corporations are putting people on the panel of the FCC, (Dick sighs) trying to get that overturned!!

Dick: Well…

Maddox: They're the ones who are fucking it up! It's the government who invented the internet, and it's the government who's saving the internet! It's the only fucking thing that's keeping the internet free, is the fucking government! Not corporations, shithead!

Dick: (interjects) They're keeping it free from themselves!

Maddox: NOT CORPORATIONS!! (cracks up) Oh, you guys piss me off. Anyway. The…Dick, this line says everything here.

Dick: Do you have any good points in there, 'cause all of this has been dogshit and you just showing off how much you don't know about what is a libertarian.

Maddox: Yeah. Without interference from government…government or ANY authoritarian power. ANY authoritarian power.

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: Oh, libertarians are just a bunch of crybaby idiots who need their asses wiped, who got told too many times to go to bed by their parents, and now they're growing up and they have a huge fucking complex.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Where they don't want the government to "steal" their money by taxes and steal their money with all these…

Dick: It's the liberty, it's not money.

Maddox: Yeah. Mmm.

Dick: It's the liberty. You know what else libertarians are?

Maddox: What?

Dick: The smartest people in America. (Maddox cracks up) The 999 group? The people who are…it's like Mensa, but it makes Mensa look like a bunch of retards?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 99.9 percentile, or percent, or whatever it is. Some statistic. Nerds are gonna bust me on that. Most of them are libertarians.

Maddox: You know what?

Dick: 'Cause they understand the big picture and how important it…how important it is to maintain personal liberty. They're the only party that's not trying to bribe you with Christ or free college!

Maddox: Yeah, I agree, Dick. You know what? If a libertarian is…is prudent with his money and likes to save $5 on, say, razors…(they crack up) I would totally be on board with that.

Dick: I mean, we went way over the…

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

Dick: We went way over the thing.

Maddox: We'll go…we'll make it long. I wanna hear your problem, too.

Dick: Um…today's show is brought to you by Harry's. (Maddox giggles) Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. We're all using Harry's now.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We discussed it before the show, and we discussed techniques of how to use the Harry's razor, because it feels…I will say, we all feels heavy, like a gun. It feels substantial in your hand when you're shaving. It doesn't feel like a plastic piece of garbage that was chromed to make it look cool, right? To try to convince you that you have a big dick, when even though you don't. (Maddox chuckles) Which is the other…which is the competitors, right?

Sean: Everybody knows that's what a Corvette's for.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It feels like metal, you gotta change your stroke a little, but man, when you really lay into those face hairs, it does feel good.

Maddox: It feels good.

Dick: It feels clean.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It feels freshly shorn, all day.

Maddox: It feels like a little…a little lumberjack is going to my little stubble.

Dick: It does. It does feel like that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um, you pay…let's see. You put in the promo code, "BIGGESTPROBLEM", to save $5 off your first purchase. It does work. The starter kit is 15…the promo code does work. I mean, obviously, the razors work. The starter kit is 15 bucks. That includes a razor, three blades, and your choice of shaving cream or foaming shave gel. One of you motherfuckers owes me some cream, by the way.

Maddox: Oh, I got the cream.. I've got some butter for you.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Some shaving butter.

Dick: See, this is a perfect libertarian transaction that we're having. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: I'm gonna send a Harry's kit to my mom. And guys…thanks for tweeting these. (Dick guffaws)

Sean: Jesus.

Maddox: What? (laughs) (Dick cracks up) You guys haven't met my mom. Yeah.

Dick: What is she gonna shave?

Maddox: Oh. All the things! (they laugh)

Dick: Where do women have hair, Maddox? That they need to shave?

Maddox: Their upper lip, their lower chin, their underarms, their legs, their…

Dick: Oh, my god.

Maddox: Their overarms, their outer arms. Their…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: All the arms. Their lunch lady arms. All the moms should get this.

Dick: Shipping is free. How about that?

Maddox: It's a good deal.

Dick: Here's the guy's…you wanna hear one of the founders' stories?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Of Harry's? He went to a drug store and waited 10 minutes for someone to unlock the case for razors. Well, that's it, that's all I need to hear.

Maddox: Sounds like a libertarian drugstore. (laughs)

Dick: Fuck…fuck waiting at the drugstore. Get it delivered to your house!

Maddox: That drugstore sounds like it's run by the DMV!

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Fuck that!

Dick: I…okay. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Here we go!

Sean: That libertarian DMV. (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: Hey, one more time, what's the code?



Dick: Biggestproblem.

Maddox: Biggestproblem.

Dick: Don't tell me that it doesn't work. You don't work.

Maddox: And keep tweeting! You don't…you don't work. (giggles) You…you scum. You don't work! And keep tweeting these at us, and at Harry's, guys, it really helps the show. We really appreciate it, and Harry's is, I think, a sponsor for…

Dick: The remainder of the year.

Maddox: The remainder of the year!

Dick: They're definitely the biggest sponsor.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

(Sound effect: Applause)

Maddox: Bravo. We did it.

Dick: So thank you.

Maddox: Cool.

Dick: I'm just…I'm blown away by…it's like…it's like being…(sighs) I feel like I'm Jesus. (Maddox giggles) Like, look at all I did. Look at all I did for you dumbasses trying to protect your liberties.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And you just don't understand.

Maddox: Ohhhhh.

Dick: What I'm trying to do.

Maddox: Nail you to a cross, literally, Dick Masterson. (laughs)

Dick: Yes, but make sure you get a good deal on those nails!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Shop at a…thank God that you live in a world where you can shop the price around!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know? You can go to another state and shop that price around!

Maddox: No, I agree. That's a good point.

Dick: What is a good point about that? (they both laugh)

Maddox: That you can go to other states and shop around! Deregulation, man!

Dick: Ugh. (sighs)

Sean: That's the one he likes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I mean, you realize that…well, of course you don't realize it.

Maddox: I don't realize anything, Dick! I'm just a dumb, mouthbreathing…

Dick: I just thi…I think you have something against libertarians, 'cause you think it's with them…I think you think they're anarchists. And I think you think that it's all or nothing with them.

Maddox: But…but you guys can't…I just want one fucking slippery fuck libertarian to tell me the size of government! Tell me how big it should be!

Dick: Okay. But…it depends on what…like, okay. Don't interrupt me yet. Do interrupt me, but not yet. You realize that different government institutions run different things around the country, right? Like, there's a department that runs national parks, let's say. And there's a department that runs…like, the police are a separate kind of government. Right? So you can't say what's…like, what's the size, because it's different for everything they're trying to address.

Maddox: Mmm.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Different sizes for different pieces of government.

Dick: Yes. (exhausted)

Maddox: Ohhhhhh!

Dick: And some of them are out of whack with other ones!

Maddox: Ohhh. (they both giggle)


Maddox: I get it! (giggles)

Dick: Reducing…like giving farmers subsidies to not grow corn. That is a terrible thing.

Maddox: Ahhhh, you guys are so silly. (they both crack up) You guys are such fucking silly little children. Ohhh.

Dick: Well…(sighs)

Maddox: So…so it should be…

Dick: But you don't understand that, though.

Maddox: Each compartment of government should be small, but then there should be a…

Dick: No! No, DIPSHIT!! (Maddox laughs) Should be smaller than others!! Some should be smaller than others!

Maddox: Oh, good. That'll…okay. So how…how big should, say, the Department of Agriculture be…(giggles) compared to, say, the Department of Defense?

Dick: Smaller.

Maddox: Smaller.

Dick: The Foreign Affairs.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Smaller.

Maddox: Ahh.

Dick: We shouldn't be giving all this fucking money to people to bribe them to do things! War. Smaller!!

Maddox: So you think an efficient government is one in which, uh, it's smaller.

Dick: Look. You reduce it, I'll tell you when to stop. How about that?!

Maddox: Oh. Ok…okay.

Dick: You start cutting…

Maddox: Why don't you just tell me…(laughing)

Dick: …and I'll tell you when to stop!

Maddox: But here's the thing, Dick! Here's what you libertarian jackasses don't understand…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, my God!

Maddox: Is that…is that every time that there is a program that YOU think should be cut, right? There's gonna be a ton of people who disagree, and then every time there's a program that you think should stay…there's a ton of people who disagree.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So libertarians are the same jackasses…

Dick: (Interjects) That's called democracy, you stupid shit head!!!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: And that's the point of the whole thing!

Maddox: And guess what, Dick! Everyone rejects your stupid fucking libertarian bullshit because no…no one's voting you guys in. No one.

Dick: No…because it's a fringe…there will never be a libertarian president. Like, parties co-opt libertarian ideals when it's good for them. Like, getting rid of drugs is a libertarian principle. It just is!

Maddox: Mmm.

Dick: Like, it…I…yeah.

Maddox: A lot of liberals want to get rid of drugs, too.

Dick: Yes, absolutely. And the more people, for whatever reason, the better.

Maddox: You know, I took a test, Dick. I took a test to see how…like, what my political affiliation is? And whether or not I'm a libertarian, 'cause I thought, "Well, I wanna go check it out."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This was during the last election.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: 'Cause you were really canvassing for the libertarian, uh…who was the guy?

Dick: Well, because…Gary Johnson.

Maddox: Gary Johnson, yeah.

Dick: Because if they get over 1%, they get money.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, and it would be good to have more parties.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Working the system.

Maddox: I can't disagree with that. That's a totally reasonable thing. So, I looked at the libertarian website and I took a test, it's like, "How libertarian are you?" Or "Are you libertarian?" Whatever the test was.

Dick: "Is you a libertarian."

Maddox: Is…is you a libertarian. And…it said that you is..

Dick: You isn't.

Maddox: You is…no! It said that I'm 67% libertarian.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: And I thought, "Well, that's pretty good. Maybe this is my party, because I'm normally independent, or other"

Dick: Green.

Maddox: I don't…unaffiliated.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I only voted for Green one time, 'cause of Nader, 'cause I liked Nader.

Dick: Awwwwwww.

Maddox: Yeah, I know. The Green Party's crazy. Um, but anyway. I'm 67% libertarian. So I started looking through the principles, I'm like, "Well what do I disagree with here?"

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And everything…like, foreign wars, great! Libertarians don't wanna be involved.

Dick: No!

Maddox: They want to reduce government…uh…

Dick: Definitely not.

Maddox: Military? Great. I'm on board. Alright? Lower taxes? Cool. That sounds cool.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Who wants to pay taxes? Nobody. That's not popular. And then, uh, I went down the list, and then all of a sudden, it got real goofy when it came to healthcare.

Dick: Why?

Maddox: Oh, cause they want the deregulated, open market. Which is exactly what we had…

Dick: Well, a more open market. I'm sorry, go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah. It's exactly what we had before Obamacare, which, Conservatives AND libertarians…

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. It was not deregulated.

Maddox: Well, it was more open than it is now.

Dick: That is not a..(sighs)

Maddox: It was way more open than it is now.

Dick: Ugh, yeah, but there's still huge subsi…there's still huge incentives to fuck it up! Like making employers cover your healthcare shackles you to your fucking job.

Maddox: That's absolutely terrible. That's what it was. Yeah.

Dick: It's horrible! That's a libertarian thing, is to end that!

Maddox: Is it worse or better now?

Dick: Worse!!

Maddox: It's worse?

Dick: Way fucking worse!

Maddox: Ohhh. Okay. So it was better back before, back when people could get turned away for healthcare and, you know, this is a whole other argument, but anyway, man. That's my problem. Libertarian agen…excuse me. Libertarian Theory and Homeowner's Association.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: No, we still have time.

Dick: And that's not Homeowner's Associations, too. No fucking way. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause I'm bringing…I hate Homeowner's Associations way more than you.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't know, man! Have you ever lived under one?

Dick: I own a house!!!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: That's getting raped every month by these fucking HOA people!!

Maddox: You…you own a house under a homeowner's association?

Dick: Yeah that has a homeowner's association, that I get nailed with.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: And, you know.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Can't stop it.

Maddox: No. They…but they're not a small government.

Dick: Well…(Sean groans) you're calling "small" a number of people. You understand that when libertarians say "small", for pedantic fucks like you, they should say "less intrusive government".

Maddox: Less intrusive. Ohhhhh.

Dick: Less intrusive.

Maddox: Like Utah. Like Utah. One of the 10 freest states.

Dick: Utah is very intrusive, dumbass! That's the whole list you just went through!

Maddox: Then why is it…why it is on the top 10 freest….

Dick: Why is on libertarian.truth? I don't know!!! (angry) (Maddox laughs) I don't know what site you got this off of! They probably…their little scale probably just includes taxation! I don't fucking know!

Maddox: It…I looked at…they had multiple different metrics that they were looking at. One is financial. One is personal freedoms. One is victimless crime things, and one is like…all these little freedoms, right?

Dick: Well, that sounds retarded!!

Maddox: No, no. These are different…and they rate the states differently. Overall…I looked at the overall, but…

Dick: Yeah. Because you need it to be easily digested to make fun of it. But if you actually go into the study, it probably has a lot of interesting commentary on, like, whatever those stupid things you were talking about.

Sean: Well, and each of those points doesn't necessarily carry the same weight.

Dick: No.

Sean: They may be alienating people because of their incredibly conservative morality and wanting to legislate morality and what you can do with the booze and all that kind of stuff.

Dick: Which is anti libertarian. To the extreme.

Maddox: Which they did, Sean. They did, Sean. And…and when I looked at just the morality issues, Utah ranked, like, number 27 or something like that. It was way lower, but…overall, everything…everything calculated into this libertarian score, Utah is number 10 on the list and it's one of the worst shitholes I've ever lived in. Fuck Utah and fuck libertarians!

Dick: (interjects) But you're…

Maddox: (interjects) Fuck their bullshit. And every single one of these states..

Dick: (interjects) You're just picking a random website and having a problem with a list!

Maddox: It's not! It's a libertarian think tank! It's one of the biggest libertarian think tanks! Who else is there? Who else…who is your advocate? Every tim…you can't nail you fuckers down! Every time I point something out…

Dick: Yeah, I know. Our think tank is 4chan!!! (yelling) Fuck you!! (Maddox laughs) Those are our best and brightest minds!!!

Maddox: That's it.

Sean: (in background) Oh, God!!

Maddox: Yeah. There you go.

Dick: Ugh. Alright.

Sean: Wait, did you do a problem?

Dick: No!

Maddox: No. What's your problem?

Sean: Jesus Christ.

Dick: Burning Popcorn. (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: Get the fuck outta here! What's your problem?!

Dick: That's my problem!!!

Maddox: No.

Dick: Maddox. There's not enough time. I was gonna bring in Breast Cancer, but I don't have time to do Breast Cancer…(Maddox laughs) Look, this is…and I started the clock late. We're way…we're way late.

Maddox: Okay. Okay.

Dick: It's fine. Burning Popcorn. Listen. Listen. Listen. (Maddox giggles) As Joseph Svalia points out…(Maddox laughs) First of all…first of all. The fucking Popcorn button on the microwave…doesn't work. It doesn't work.

Maddox: No. It doesn't work.

Dick: I don't know who is…libertarians are not building that button, because it never fucking works.

Maddox: Needs to be regulated.

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox giggles) Dial it down. Dial it down!!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Just like government, dial it down.

Maddox: Ohh.

Sean: Somebody should come into your house and WATCH the microwave and listen for it to pop.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Look. Way too long. Al…you just get a big ball of burnt up, black popcorn.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's…and the stench. Of burnt…the stench of burnt popcorn stays in your house…for days. As a reminder of your failure.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To make the popcorn.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah. It's awful. I…I have a story related to that, but I wanna hear the rest of your…

Dick: No, please. What is the story? What is the story related to it?

Maddox: I have this friend…who I've known for about 26-27 years. And everything he does…he's…he's one of my best friends. I was his best man at his wedding. Everything he does annoys me. And one night, he was over at my apartment. And he always brings over FUCKING microwave popcorn.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't know why…he's like…"Hey, can I bring popcorn?" I'm like, "Yeah, whatever dude." (Sean laughs) Just fucking…just fuck off with it, man.

Sean: They all have exactly the same voice.

Dick: Tchyeah.

Maddox: And by the way, Sean, this is the originator of that voice.

Dick: Why do you say yes?

Maddox: I invented that voice for this friend.

Dick: What is his…what's his…no, don't give me his name, but, like, what's the characteristic?

Maddox: You've met him. He's from Utah. You've met him.

Dick: I know him. You gotta refer to him as something so we can, like, refer to him as a character in the show.

Maddox: Uh…let's call him…let's call him Charles.

Dick: Charles?

Maddox: Charles, my friend from Utah, Charles.

Dick: He's like Bill Nye.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, he's like Bill Nye's deadbeat brother.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: He's like a deadbeat Bill Nye, he looks like.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. (grins) He's…he's a great guy. He's a real good dude.

Dick: He's a cool guy.

Maddox: But he's, like, really arrogant, and also, like, not the sharpest tool in the shed. (Dick chuckles) And so he brings over his fucking popcorn. And he…we…he always uses the Popcorn button, and we told him…

Dick: No.

Maddox: It was like, "Charles…"

Sean: (Interjects) Do you know anyone like that? (they giggle)

Dick: Who what?

Sean: Really arrogant and not the sharpest tool in the shed?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who?

Dick: Yeah. (Sean laughs) You, asshole.

Maddox: Oh, okay. I…I thought you…you know what? I gave you too much credit, Sean, by asking who. I gave you too much credit. (Dick laughs) I thought that was gonna be clever. It was just the dopey, like, ahahaha. Alright. Anyway. Speaking of dopey.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My friend Charles comes over. And we…I was there with four of my friends.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: We're all sitting there, ready to watch a movie. And we ALL FOUR OF US told him. We're like, "Charles. Make sure not to use the popcorn button." (Dick scoffs) Cause it doesn't work. And he goes, "Oh, okay." He goes into the…(trails off laughing) kitchen and he uses the Popcorn button. And then he comes out, and during the movie, he's just sitting there, like, digging the bottom of the bag, and just digging, and scrounging..

Dick: It's disgusting.

Maddox: And digging, and scrounging, and we're like, "Dude, what the fuck are you doing with all that noise over there?!? What are you doing?!" and he goes, "Oh, my popcorn's burnt." We're like "NO SHIT! Did you use the popcorn button?" He goes, (goofy voice) "Yeah."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We told you not to, shithead!

Dick: Never. It never works!

Maddox: He goes, "Oh, I thought it worked." And we're like "No, we SPECIFICALLY told you not to use the popcorn button."

Sean: You have to listen for the popping frequency.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Absolutely. So…my…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh…I'm..not done.

Dick: Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah. So he…so he…he then got up to throw the popcorn away, and he's gone for, like 15 minutes. And none of us noticed, 'cause we were like, "Thank God he's gone, we can watch the movie now."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: But he's in the kitchen, and I hear, like, water running, and then, like, the food disposal. And I get up, it's like midnight, and I'm in a big apartment complex, and I'm like, "What the fuck are you doing running a food disposal at midnight?" And he's…and I walk into the kitchen, and his fist is punching popcorn down the fucking drain! Like, greasy popcorn that I spent a week trying to clean that butter outta my sink! (Dick laughs) I'm like, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Why wouldn't you just throw it away? It's dry. It doesn't rot. Just throw it in the fucking garbage. It does nothing!" Anyway, man.

Dick: What was his answer?

Maddox: Popcorn button. (goofy voice) "I dunno, that's just…that's what I do at home." Well, yeah, yeah. Well, think ahead next time.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Anyway, popcorn button. It ruins fun. What do you got, Dick?

Dick: My, umm…there was an app one time that was supposed to listen to see when the popcorn would be done?

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah. My life coach was real excited and he brought it over. He's like, "I know you like popcorn, so get ready for this app that I got. Like, it listens. It's the perfect pop. You put it next to your microwave." I'm like, I already know what the time is on the microwave. I don't…this is a stupid app for stupid people.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Like, I don't need that. He's like, "No, no. Let's just try it out."

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I'm like "Alright, that's the time." I could hear the pops. They're bad. Little app. It's just chugging away. I'm like, "I'm gonna go stop it." He's like, "No, no, no. This is gonna pop all the remaining kernels. Like, you don't understand about this…(Maddox laughs)…science works that I'm bringing to you." I'm like, "Alright, it's worth it. I got more popcorn." This is…I'm just gonna let this one get burned to shit. Just to prove you and this stupid app wrong. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: That's so spiteful! And did…and what happened?

Dick: It got torched!

Maddox: All the p…

Dick: All the popcorn!

Maddox: The popcorn was ruined.

Dick: All the popcorn was ruined.

Maddox: The p…the problem is, those apps, um…the frequency…you have to stop it before it's at its peak frequency.

Dick: Exactly!

Maddox: When you hear the…yeah. When you hear it…

Dick: Exactly.

Maddox: Stop popping, then it's too late.

Dick: It's too late.

Sean: You…well, you…

Dick: (interjects) You fucked up.

Sean: Yeah,. You can't let it go more than, like, two to three seconds in between pops.

Dick: I even go sooner than that.

Sean: Yeah. If you don't hear anything…you're fucked.

Dick: That used to work, but I think they've changed the chemicals in microwave popcorn so that it's…that's not aggressive enough now.

Sean: Oh, that could be. It's been a long time since I…

Dick: (interjects) Like, it burns…it burns pockets of them, now. So you gotta go one to two.

Maddox: Yeah…why…guys, I don't even own a microwave anymore. I haven't had one for, like, five years. I don't use microwaves for anything.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I eat cold food if I need to, and I have a stove.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why is it…like, have you ever made, um, stovetop popcorn?

Dick: So. This girl…this girl was coming over, making me dinner.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, she left a bunch of her stuff over.

Maddox: Uh-oh.

Dick: I didn't talk to her again.

Maddox: Oh..(giggles)

Dick: She left a bunch of her, like, cooking stuff over. That I found later. One was a jar of coconut oil, and one was a jar of kernels.

Maddox: Kernels. Oh, that's cool.

Dick: Yeah. And I just tried it out. (inhales) But…I've never microwaved popcorn again.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: It's so good!

Maddox: It's incredible! It's so good. It tastes way better.

Dick: And it never fucks up.

Maddox: It never fucks up.

Dick: 'Cause they just stop.

Maddox: And it's not full of that weird chemical that gives you, like, fucking cancer beta or whatever that fucking weird cancer you get? That carcinogen they have in the popcorn butter smell?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That they add?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They just found that it's, like, this really terrible carcinogen for you.

Dick: Very cancerous.

Maddox: Yeah. It's really awful. And…it tastes better. It's fresher. A…and you don't burn the whole fucking thing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Popcorn over the stove is easy, guys. Do it over the stove.

Dick: Burnt popcorn. That's my problem. (Maddox laughs) I think…so… so…either you hate…either you like…if you like popcorn that's not been burnt, and you like liberty, you guys know what to do. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Alright? If you like drinking, and drugs, and uh…prostitution, libertarians want prosti-toots (says it weird)!

Maddox: Fireworks. Yeah.

Dick: Libertarians want prostitutes! (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If you like fireworks. If you like minding your own business.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And not the government fucking with you?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Vote DOWN Maddox's fucking libertarian agenda.

Maddox: Hooooo. (sighs)

Dick: I do not wanna see that thing in the positives. Fuck you!

Maddox: Yeah. Libertarian Theory. (stammers) There's no such thing as libertarian. It's only libertarian theory.

Sean: Well, yeah. It's never gonna exist.

Maddox: No.

Sean: Not in reality.

Maddox: Cause you can't nail 'em down. No one will…no one will…no one will stand up and say. "This is what we stand for."

Sean: No, you need government to regulate certain things.

Dick: You can't…THEY KNOW THAT! (grits teeth and yells) They know that, goddamnit! They know that! They want to enforce the Constitution as it's fucking written, you pieces of shit!! They know that the government can exist!!! (yells)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, I dunno, buddy.

Dick: Goddamnit!! Goddamnit!!

Maddox: You knocking shit over, asshole! Ahhhhhhh. There it is. It was all…it was all bottled up.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: What?

Dick: That's it, that's it. I'm done.

Maddox: Okay. So…so you would say that…the biggest libertarian…the biggest government expansion…(Dick sighs) happened during Bush.

Dick: No.

Maddox: Uh, the TSA.

Dick: It happened after World War II.

Maddox: Okay, uh…recent times. Recent times. It happened during Bush. In the last 20 years. It happened during Bush, with the TSA.

Dick: Like the Patriot Act?

Maddox: Yeah, the Patriot Act and the TSA.

Dick: That's…ugh. That's awful! Yeah.

Maddox: Libertarians…libertarians disagree with that.

Dick: Absolutely!

Maddox: See, here's the thing, man. I can't get you…

Dick: That was a pretty simple answer. Patriot Act, yes or no. NOOOOOOOO.

Maddox: I can't get you to…I can't pin you down to tell me what amount of intrusion is okay.

Dick: Into your life?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: None!

Maddox: Zero intrusion.

Dick: Leave me alone!!

Maddox: Oh, wait. But that doesn't sound like government, Dick. Government has to intrude a little bit.

Dick: No, they don't have to intrude. They can provide services that I can elect to use. They got a road. Fine. Use the road? Pay a tax.

Maddox: So you think…

Dick: (interjects) Call it a gas tax.

Maddox: You think libraries are a bad…bad move.

Sean: National currency.

Dick: I mean, I think…I think…

Sean: Get a standard national currency, right?

Dick: Yeah. Provide a currency for everybody to use, so I'm not out there carrying fucking sheep and frankincense and myrrh around trying to see a movie. (Maddox giggles) Hey, buddy, you wanna kiss my sheep to let me see your fucking movie? (Sean laughs) Oh wa…some kind of weird bartering system like that? That doesn't work! Make a fucking currency!

Maddox: See, Dick…

Dick: You need a government for that!

Maddox: You're not as loony as most of my libertarian friends. Do you believe that we should go back to the gold stand…just like, use gold for everything?

Dick: I don't even…I actually don't know what that means. Like, I don't know what…I get what it means. Uh…(Maddox giggles) (Sighs)

Sean: This is gonna go on…

Dick: I don't know. I don't know. (Maddox sighs) I don't know that much about that, so…

Maddox: Yeah. Every one of my goofy libertarian friends wants to just go back to gold. I'm like, well…and I ask them a very simple question, I'm like, well how do you trade stocks, then? How do you trade stocks on the stock market?

Dick: What do you mean, how do you trade stocks on the stock market?

Maddox: What? What are you gonna take a pile of gold to Wall Street?

Dick: No, you have a stock.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: A stock is a representative ownership of the company.

Maddox: Yeah, they don't want that. They want gold.

Dick: Your friends are insane, though! (Maddox laughs) Like, I'm arguing with a guy who's friends with people who…who GO TO COLORING BOOK PARTIES! And date multiple guys! Like, "Hey, I've got six boyfriends and I'm at a party with a bunch of other fuckface weirdos who also have a bunch of fucking boyfriends and girlfriends! Look at us! It's the end of days! Everybody's fucking and WE'RE ALL UGLY! And we're all libertarians! (Sean and Maddox laugh) And that's what you get…that's what you think of as a libertarian, but it's not! They're very smart people! (Maddox laughs) Smarter than FUCKING YOU!!! (Sean cracks up) Who are libertarians!!!! (they all laugh) WHO JUST WANT LESS INTRUSION IN THEIR FUCKING LIVES!!!

Maddox: They just wanna have fuck parties! Big orgies, they can fuck anyone they want!

Dick: No, they don't! They just wanna be left alone! (yells)

Maddox: Well that's what they do! They turn into fuck parties!

Dick: Libertarians?!

Maddox: Yeah! Big ol' fuck parties.

Dick: No. They turn…(they all laugh) they turn into cool guys with cabins in the woods. (Maddox sighs) Who are totally self sufficient and don't need a bunch of bullshit.

Maddox: Yeah. Sounds like the start of a horror movie.

Dick: They don't need to be fighting wars around the GLOBE on their fucking dime!

Maddox: Self sufficient. Yeah, and what happens if you're autistic?

Dick: If you're autistic?

Maddox: How self sufficient…

Dick: What do you mean, if?

Maddox: How self sufficient are you?!

Sean: You tell me!! (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Oh, good one, Sean! Real fucking funny, shithead!! My problem this week is…

(Closing riff starts)

Dick: Stupid.

Maddox: Libertarian Theory and Homeowner's Association. Same fucking thing.

Dick: No, no! You can't do…don't do Homeowner's Associations!

Maddox: Okay, fine. Libertarian Theory.

Dick: Mine's Burnt Popcorn. (Maddox laughs) (Sean laughs)

(Voice mail: male voice: "There's only one way to get out of the friend zone. You gotta be cool as shit…and you can't… (Maddox giggles) like, if you wanna bang a girl you're friends with…

Dick: Here we go.

"You just gotta, like, stop talking to her. Like, you just gotta be like, "Yo, I like you", and then just…like, if this ain't happening, I'm out. And don't ever talk to her again. (Maddox giggles) (speaker laughs) And she'll go crazy…(Sean laughs) And chase you, and the next thing you know, you're slammin' that. Punching out, guys.")

(they both laugh)

Dick: More good advice on getting out of the friend zone.

Maddox: I thought he was asking for advice at the start of that call, then he gave really shitty advice. Don't talk to chicks that you wanna bang? Good. (Dick giggles)

Dick: Oh, here you go. I like…I really like this guy, Weird Matthew McConaughey. He call…he always call in like six times in a row.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So here's…here's the one I liked.

Maddox: Let's hear the saga.

(Voice mail: male voice: (sounds like a scary murderer version of Matthew Mcconaughey) "Hey guys, I got a bone for you…if your finger's not in their butt…then you don't know what the fuck you are doing. (Maddox laughs) That's a haiku." (they both crack up))

Dick: Is that a haiku?

Maddox: I don't think so.

Dick: "If your finger's not in her butt…"

Maddox: "In her butt.."

Dick: Okay, it's already not a haiku.

Maddox: No, really not, no.

Dick/Maddox: "Then you don't know what…" yeah. "The fuck you are doing." So it's an…it's a classic 8/5/7 haiku. (they all laugh)

Maddox: A classic 8/5/7. (laughing)