Problem: People Who Can't Cook [00:18:11]

Problem: Toddlers [00:41:24]

The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 68

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit for your free audiobook download.

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from naughty children to naughty nurses. (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Oh, gross!! (giggles)

Maddox: With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick.

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. And with us calling in is Asterios Kokkinos, Boisterous Coconuts.

Asterios: Hello! (over Skype)

Dick: How you doin', Asterios?

Asterios: I'm doin' great! How you guys doin'?

Dick: Good! Good.

Maddox: So we just had the fortune of talking to you twice because you just helped out with the bonus episode, and we did, uh...we did a bit at the bonus episode, which we're gonna get into.

Dick: For a very good reason.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We started a contest, what is inarguably a contest.

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Correct?

Maddox: Correct.

Dick: Called the "Celebrity Shame Pool."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Asterios, do you wanna tell us what the Celebrity Shame Pool is? For those of you who are too CHEAP... (Maddox laughs) ...or too much of a coward...

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...or maybe your dick's not big enough to buy our bonus episodes. Explain it to these people...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...what is the Celebrity Shame Pool.

Asterios: Well, if you have a smallish to medium-smallish-sized penis...

Dick: Mhm.

Asterios: know, you're probably not as -

Maddox: (interjects) Or clitoris! We don't want any small-clit people listening or weighing in on this.

Dick: Too far! Go ahead. (Maddox and Asterios laugh loudly)

Asterios: Well, this is an exclusive thing for people who subscribe to or buy The Biggest Solution in the Universe, so if you haven't yet, now's a great time to jump in. It's called the Celebrity Shame Pool. As you all know, the media has a lot of fun destroying celebrities for no reason. Kinda like, you know, when they went after Jerry Seinfeld for saying a very innocuous thing about how college kids are oversensitive.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: And that was, like, a month-long thing where people were like, "Oh, Jerry Seinfeld is racist!" and it's like, "Aw, fuck that! Like yeah, okay. College kids ARE oversensitive." So we pick -

Dick: (interjects) The media is on a tolerance witch-hunt.

Asterios: Yeah! And...look -

Dick: (interjects) Yes. Against celebrities, yeah.

Asterios: Yeah, and for good reason; it makes the money. So we want to make some money off -

Maddox: (interjects) And dentists!

Dick: The worst possible reason: "it makes them money." Yes. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But for good reason, yeah.

Asterios: Exactly, so WE wanna make some money off this too. Why not? So we have started a Celebrity Shame Pool. For $20, each of us are putting 5 celebrity names on the big list of celebrity shame, and if one of the celebrities we pick gets called out by the media and kicks off a shitstorm or something, they get the pot. So you know, for example, I had, uh...well actually, Sean had Jennifer Lawrence, which I thought was a really good pick.

Dick: Great pick. Great pick, Sean.

Asterios: Yeah, because Jennifer Lawrence is, like, Hollywood's sweetheart. Everyone loves Jennifer Lawrence.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: So you gotta be thinking there's some asshole at Gawker out there who's just itching for the chance to write this think piece about how Jennifer Lawrence is bad for feminism. And, like, that thing's gonna go viral, and then when that thing goes viral, Sean gets the money. And so that's the long and the short of it!

Dick: There we go.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is that an adequate explanation? We got off into the weeds halfway through there talking about money and this and that, but would you say, Maddox, that that's an accurate...?

Maddox: That's the gist of it. And we want you guys to weigh in, so we asked people listening to the bonus episode to weigh in with their picks for the Celebrity Shame Pool, and you should have essentially no more than one or two of your top picks. We're gonna have a few more because we're the hosts of the show, and that's what we do and it's our fucking show.

Dick: Well, we're putting money in.

Maddox: Yeah, we're putting money in.

Dick: It's a pool.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: It's a celebrity shame pool.

Maddox: It's a celebrity shame pool.

Dick: You wanna pick some more?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Wanna pick some more right now?

Maddox: We're gonna go around.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: So I'll just, uh...

Dick: Quickly, quickly.

Maddox: To bring everyone up to speed real quick, last...during the bonus episode I brought in Amy Poehler and Uzo Aduba. She's the black, uh...she plays the crazy..."Crazy Eyes," I think, on Orange Is the New Black. I KNOW people are itching...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:, uh, to bring her down.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: I got a good pick here.

Dick: 'Kay.

Maddox: Louis C.K.!

Dick: Well...

Maddox: Uh-huh!

Asterios: BULLSHIT!

Dick: Oh yeah, that's bullshit.

Maddox: What do you mean, "bullshit"?!

Asterios: I call bullshit!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why is that bullshit??

Asterios: Because he's already been...he's already been called out for the media for those rumors where he was, uh, jerking off in hotel rooms in front of Garfunkel and Oates.

Maddox: What?!?

Dick: Yeah. He, like, captured two women -- other comedians...

Maddox: Augh!

Dick: ...and, like, made them stay in a hotel room while he...while his big red ass jerked off in front of them.

Maddox: Are you kidding me? Really? This is a real thing??

Dick: No, this is a real...yeah, this was a real thing that was reported.

Asterios: Yeah, it's a real thing.

Maddox: Oh my gosh. Oh, FUCK. Okay, then I got a ba-...I got an alternate. I got a backup here.

Asterios: Okay.

Dick: He's like the white Bill Cosby.

Maddox: Okay. (both laugh) Oh, man. (Dick's "man" Steve talking quietly in background)

Dick: Also joining us is my man, from Burning Man!

Steve: Heyyy!

Asterios: Whoa!

Dick: Also joining us.

Maddox: That mystery voice -

Dick: (interjects) Who closed out... (cracks up) Who closed out the chapter of his, uh, his never-ending romance with the Duchess of Weed during our bonus episode.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did you not? Most romantic man in the world, I think, right here.

(brief silence)

Maddox: I got another pick, guys. (Dick, Sean and Steve burst out laughing)

Dick: He heard the word "romance" and just tuned out.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Go ahead. What's your pick?

Maddox: Marc Maron. Marc Maron...

Dick: Ohhh!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Ooo, that's GOOD!

Dick: That's a good one!

Maddox: Uh-huh! Uh-huh.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: I see -

Asterios: (interjects) President Obama's favorite podcaster.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Apparently, and only. Um, Marc Maron is prime top-...subject.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because he's... (stammers) He always sounds depressed and angry.

Dick: He is!

Maddox: So he's got some...and you know he's got some skeletons in his closet.

Dick: I've seen him do stand-up where he basically just laid on the stage.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, he was just vicious and mean.

Maddox: Yeah, that's what I heard, and that's what it's g-...and I think that there's some...there's a ticking time bomb there that's going's gonna be a psychological meltdown that I think we're gonna witness, and people are not going... (stammers) People can't wait for shit like that to happen because they'll exploit it and they'll talk about these demons in his closet. They won't be sensitive about it.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: He's a h-...he's a prime target.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. Um, I'll go next: Stephen Colbert.

Maddox: Stephen Colbert!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's a good one!

Asterios: Nice.

Dick: He's making a big jump.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: He's making a big jump, and he's gonna have to break character. Right? That character that he's doing comes from a dark place.

Maddox: No.

Dick: You understand?

Maddox: No, it doesn't.

Dick: Okay, yeah. What do you know about being a character, uh, in mass media, right?

Maddox: No, I know specifically about Stephen Colbert. See, I like that you picked this, because this is gonna be easy for the rest of us.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: With Stephen Colbert, in I think an autobiography, he interviewed...he said that he DOESN'T come from a dark place. (Dick smirks)

Dick: Yeah. Right. (skeptical)

Maddox: He said most comedians do, and he specifically said, "My upbringing was good."

Dick: Yes, of course his upbringing was good, but I think the char-...what? What were you gonna say, Sean?

Sean: I think his parents were killed when he was really young.

Dick: Or his dad.

Sean: It was his dad and his brother, I think.

Maddox: Eh, well, there you go.

Dick: Look, he's able to be a...a loathsome person on his show right now, right? The Colbert Report.

Maddox: I don't know. I don't know that he's loathsome.

Dick: Right?? I mean, he's able to be a controversial person and write it off as satire.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When he's himself, I think he's gonna slip up, and I think he's got alotta eyes on him.

Maddox: Okay! Interesting theory.

Dick: Right? Okay.

Maddox: Interesting theory. Sean, you got another pick?

Sean: I do have another pick. Uh, I'm gonna keep it with the late-night theme. I'm gonna go Jimmy Kimmel.

Maddox: Oo, Jimmy Kimmel! That's a good one!

Asterios: Ooooo.

Maddox: He', but he's gone so long without it.

Sean: But he's been crying a lot lately.

Maddox: About what?

Sean: About Cecil the lion...

Maddox: Oh, really?

Sean: ...about Letterman. It's only -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, you're right! And somebody recently said he was mean.

Maddox: Huh.

Sean: It's only a matter of time before...he may slip up in public. Because you know, they're writing jokes on the show, so...

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Sean: But I think he...I think it's a matter of time!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. Alright. Well -

Dick: (interjects) And remember, this have to get outed for saying something homophobic, transphobic, misogynistic, or racist. Right?

Maddox: Racist, colonialist...

Dick: Nononono.

Maddox: Anything that you can get shamed for. They'll do that!

Sean: He did -

Asterios: (interjects) Anti-American...

Maddox: Anti-American, yeah!

Dick: Anti-American, though? (incredulous)

Maddox: That was, because the Dixie Chicks got that during the Bush administration, because they went out -

Sean: (interjects) They sure did.

Maddox: Yeah! Dixie Chicks...

Dick: Alright! Alright, I'll give it to ya.

Maddox: ...anti-American; anything along those lines.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Anti-...uh, Islamophobic. Like, let's throw in anything that you could get shamed for.

Dick: Okay. Asterios, who do you got?

Asterios: Alright, my next pick? I am gonna go...with Owen Wilson.

Sean: Hmmm. (from background)

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: Owen Wilson? (chuckling)

Asterios: He's been around for a long time. He's a writer, he's an actor, he's a good-looking guy; it's sorta like he's the perfect storm of an unstable man.

Dick: That's true.

Asterios: And I feel like now that he has stopped making money for Hollywood, the way he's gonna make money is...I dunno, by saying something offensive, getting drunk, doing this, know, maybe he'll grope a girl in a hotel bar. Who knows with Owen Wilson?

Dick: Alright!

Asterios: Uh...yep! So that's my pick.

Dick: My man, who's your pick?

Steve: I don't know if we decided this wasn't an option, but my pick is Jimmy Carter.

Maddox: Nope! No, I'm s-...

Dick: (interjects) Jimmy Carter? (confused)

Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) Politici-...we can't...

Dick: He's alive?

Maddox: Politician. He just got a -

Steve: (interjects) Oh, he's definitely on the way out.

Maddox: He just got brain cancer!

Sean: He's dying of cancer.

Maddox: Yeah.

Steve: He got c-...he's 90 years old, his cancer spread to his brain like 3 days ago...

Dick: Huh.

Steve: ...and I just think that, like, posthumuous-...-homously... (goofy voice) I nailed it. Uh -

Dick: (interjects) Posthumously. (Asterios laughs) "Posthumously." (smiles)

Steve: And I just think somethin's gonna come out and they'll be like, "Oh, back in 2001, Jimmy Carter - "

Dick: (interjects) I don't think politicians count, though.

Steve: Alright.

Maddox: No, we can't have politicians. Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, no one mentioned that.

Dick: Yeah.

Steve: So, backup would be Tim Burton. Flat-out hate Tim Burton movies. That's it.

Maddox: Tim... (laughs with Asterios)

Steve: I don't even know if the guy talks. I have no...I know nothing about him other than...

Maddox: I don't know what he looks like! I imagine he -

Steve: (interjects) Probably has a weird neck!

Maddox: I imagine he's -

Dick: (interjects) He looks like an ugly version of Johnny Depp.

Maddox: Okay, I got it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I imagine he looks like a really tall, hairy spider. Just... (cracks up) Like, really gangly and creepy and not even human. Alright guys, let's -

Dick: (interjects) Alright, there's the Shame Pool. Let's go. Let's move on.

Maddox: We got, uh, we got alotta ground to cover here.

Dick: Thanks, Asterios.

Asterios: Thank you guys! Talk to you next time.

Dick: See ya.

Maddox: Thank you. We should also mention, later on in the episode we're going to have a call-in from our buddy Tom Phillips.

Dick: Yeah. (chuckling)

Maddox: Who... (laughs) Who's in -

Dick: (interjects) Imagine that.

Maddox: Who's in Germany right now! The Gamescom in Germany.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So he's gonna call in after the first problem. Alright guys, the problems from last week, I got one for ya. (drumroll sound effect) Self-Defeating Thoughts! Yeeeah!

Dick: Oh, boy.

Maddox: (clapping sound effect) Bravo. ('ding!' sound effect)

Dick: When's your self-help book about self-defeating thoughts coming out?

Maddox: No, fuck you, Dick!! I don't need... (stammers angrily) I don't need this shit! I know I sounded like a fuckin' self-help guru DOUCHEBAG last episode.

Dick: You did, yeah. (smiles)

Maddox: You know what? After that last episode, I kicked my own ass just to be safe. Just to put...just to, uh, make sure I don't get soft. (angrily) I don't go soft. I punched myself in the john 'til I blacked out!

Dick: That episode, that actually made me think a lot about the predicament you guys are in with your self-defeating thoughts, and I really...

Maddox: "You guys." (scoffing)

Dick: Like, I really do and Sean!

Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)

Sean: People like -

Dick: (interjects) You both identified with it!

Maddox: Like you're above it. You have 'em too, buddy.

Dick: Maddox!! Jesus CHRIST, you take everything so personally! I just don't have self-defeating thoughts! Like, I think...whenever any...even something I haven't even done, like if somebody was like, "Hey, you wanna pilot this, uh, spaceship back through the atmosphere?" I'd go like, "Well, you know, I'll give it a shot."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "That's pretty...I'll give it my best shot."

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: Maybe it won't work out great, but I'll give it my best shot."

Maddox: I think you're -

Dick: (interjects) That's my approach to everything in life! I'll do it, sure!

Maddox: I think you're confusing overconfidence and a tinge of arrogance with self-defeat-...with the self-defeating thoughts.

Dick: But I'm not assuming it'll go great, or even be good! I might fuck it up. It just doesn't, it doesn't take over my thought process.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't know.

Dick: Like you guys are describing.

Maddox: That recklessness comes from somewhere.

Dick: How is it...?! See, you see it as reckless, but it's really like, "Yeah, I'll give're..." And I'm gonna say, "You know I'm not qualified to land a space shuttle. Like, you guys know that, right?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they're gonna say, "Yeah, but we're NASA. We like blowin' through money. Uh, give it a shot." I'm like, "Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Sure!"

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: "I'll try my best."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's my...that's what goes on in my mind all the time.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: "Try your best." And you know, if you have to stick it to people and be an asshole and make a little money for yourself, so be it.

Maddox: Hm. Okay! Well, that's a more verbose way of saying "recklessness." So... (laughs) Anyway.

Dick: Alright. Let's get on...let's get to some comments.

Maddox: I got a comment here from Mike Puckett. This came to me on Twitter, @MikeCPuckett. He says, "@maddoxrules Just watched a baby knock a glass off of a table and it didn't even help clean up. Upvoted." And also, you know what I like about that comment, is he referred to the baby as "it."

Dick: As "it."

Maddox: Which I do a lot, and it pisses off my friends who have babies. They say "it's a 'she,'" or "it's a 'he.'" I say, "Fuck you, I don't know...dress it in baby-appropriate colors! I don't know its fucking gender, so I'm gonna call it 'it.' Fuck you." (yelling)

Dick: Eh, that's a weird way to get back at people. (Sean laughs in the background) I noticed you trying to do that to me when I brought my dog around. You were referring to it on purpose as the wrong gender, (Maddox laughs loudly) and looking at me like a baby would look at me, like "Yeah, what do you think about that?"

Maddox: Yeeeah.

Dick: And I was like, "I don't give a fuck if you're calling my dog the wrong gender."

Maddox: Cool. (smiling)

Dick: She doesn't know.

Maddox: HE doesn't know. I don't give a shit. (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Why would that...who does that bug?

Maddox: Eh, I dunno. Bugs you! You remembered it!

Dick: You hang out with some people who are fucked. (Maddox laughs) I remembered it 'cause I was like, "What is this...?" (Maddox giggles more) "What is THIS, that I'm seeing? This is very weird."

Maddox: You're seein' pure unadulterated joy. (grinning) I love doing that.

Dick: Yeah, I can't imagine why you'd get joy out of that. Especially when it causes no distress on my part. Um, I got one from...Ram Rachum. This guy's making a comparison between you, Maddox, and a household cat.

Maddox: What?!

Dick: Yeah, he...I'm...I think he might be onto something.

Maddox: Good! I wanna hear this.

Dick: "Thinks he's the center of the universe and that other people exist to cater to his whims..."

Maddox: Mm...yeah.

Dick: "...Maddox, check. Cat, check." You a cat guy?

Maddox: I...I don't mind -

Dick: (interjects) Are you a cat guy??

Maddox: I don't mind cats!

Dick: So you're a cat lover?

Maddox: I don't mind dogs! I don't WANT them, 'cause I don't wanna deal with all the shit that comes with it. All the baggage and the smells and carrying shit around. I never wanna carry the shit around of another creature! Especially one that can't drive me to the hospital.

Dick: Hm. "Likes boxes: Maddox, check. Cat, check."

Maddox: Well...okay, he's got me there. (cracks up)

Dick: Dogs don't like boxes. I think you're a cat guy.

Maddox: That's 'cause I throw them at the dogs. "Go fetch!"

Dick: "Contributes back to society by: Maddox, slowly explaining to other people why he's better than them." (Maddox laughs) "Cat, catching mice, bugs and other household pests." That's a draw.

Maddox: That's a draw, yeah.

Dick: As far as I'm concerned.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. I don't know! It's int-...I'd like to see you ever bring in cats if you are, 'cause I know you hate dogs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe you ARE a cat.

Maddox: Cats are... (cracks up) No man, here's the thing: as far as pets go, cats are amongst the lowest maintenance, because they bury their own shit -

Dick: (interjects) Pro-cat. Pro-cat!

Maddox: (yells) They find their own food, they bury their own shit, and they fuck off! They don't bother me! I want my...I wanna come home and I don't want some fuckin' slobbering animal drooling all over my leg so I have to go the bathroom like I'm a horny chick. Right? Like, just wiping off...wiping... (laughs)

Dick: I'm sorry, what?

Steve: What?! (Maddox giggling)

Dick: (chuckles) How do horny chicks go to the bathroom?

Maddox: 'Cause you get all dewy!! (giggles more)

(brief silence; someone whispers "What??")

Maddox: Dick, know, come on! You of all people... (laughs) You know. You know!

Dick: Horny chicks -

Steve: (interjects) Dewy?!? (Dick laughs)

Maddox: (yells) Dick's Man Steve, don't gimme this shit!! New guest of the show, givin' me shit alr-...I don't want some slobbery animal drooling all over my leg so I have to go to the bathroom and wipe it down.

Dick: NOW you're talkin' about a horny chick.

Maddox: That's what I'm talkin' about, yeah!

Dick: Yeah, yeah. Alright. Alright.

Maddox: I mean, if I come home after a long day at work, I wanna sit down, relax, play some Bloodborne...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: ...kill some enemi-...kill my enemies, smite my enemies, send off some hate mail; that's how I relax.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Anyway. I got a comment here from Daniel Martinez. He says, "Sometimes my asscheeks itch while I'm doing cardio at the gym. This used to be a problem, but now I just scratch it and don't care."

Dick: The hell kinda comment is that?

Maddox: I have no fuckin' idea. (laughing) But I saw that in the main "problems" page, and I thought that was...

Dick: Hey, lemme ask you this.

Maddox: ...super weird. Yeah?

Dick: This guy @Bryan94 on Twitter told me...asked me to call you out on self-checkout lanes. He says he would bet his trust fund that the problem is you and not the machines.

Maddox: Yeah, mhm. (skeptical)

Dick: And he wants you to record it...

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: ...and post it so he can tell you what you're doing wrong.

Maddox: He's on! He's on. Let me see...give me his contact information. This is not a joke. I want to hear his contact information. We'll cut this out of the episode. I want his contact information! I -

Dick: (interjects) I'll...he says to read it on the air!

Maddox: What?

Dick: It's "[email protected]"

Maddox: Oh, okay. Yeah.

Dick: Is that...? No, I''s a Twitter! It's @Bryan94, with all underscores.

Maddox: Okay @Bryan94, empty out your trust fund, fuckface! 'Cause I have...I not only have evidence; I have an entire video I've recorded that I'm editing right now. It's in post. Fuck you! I got your trust fund, buddy.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: I hope you're rich, DICKHEAD. Probably not, 'cause he's an idiot! He sounds like an idiot. If he uses self-checkout lanes, he sounds like a moron. A real...a real underachiever!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I don't need the... (stammers angrily) This underachiever's trust fund, are you kidding me?? What, it's like 35 cents in there? Can't even buy me a banana!

Sean: Lemme tell you about the variable in automatic checkout lanes.

Dick: You! (laughing)

Maddox: What?

Dick: The idiot.

Sean: It depends...

Maddox: Oho, THE variable?? (Dick laughing)

Sean: It depends what you're buying. They can depends what you're buying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: They can be fast if everything scans.

Maddox: Sure. Yeah! (sarcastic)

Sean: If you got a lot of produce and shit like that that you have to punch in manually -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, if you're buying like 12 tires...

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Dick: Like monster truck tires, then it doesn't work.

Sean: It will slow you down.

Dick: But for everything else, it works perfectly.

Maddox: Or if you're buying, say...if you're buying, say, normal things that a grocery store carries, like produce and meat and, uh, I don't know, things that you eat, not just fucking garbage snacks that you can scan with a barcode, then it chokes up! And also, here's another variable: the person in front of you. And here's another variable: the programmer who made the machine! (Dick starts laughing) And here's another variable: the engineers that created the touch screen that doesn't fucking work!! Fuck self-checkout lanes, fuck you. (buzzer sound effect)

Dick: Well, people at Wal-Mart figured 'em out. That's all I'm sayin'.

Maddox: Oh yeah, Wal-Mart. (cynical)

Dick: I got a voicemail here. [plays first voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Hey Bono. (Maddox laughs) We miss you.

[message ends]

Dick: Yeah, we do miss you.

Maddox: Oh yeah!

Dick: What happened to Bono?

Maddox: I miss that, uh, that little Irish jig that he used to do when he'd call into the show.

Dick: Maybe he died. [plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): (talking kind of slowly) Hey, what's up, Dick? This is Dan from northern California. I used your wonderfully thought-out, uh, pick-up line of asking what girls' dads are like, and you know what happened? I was basically chased out of a party for being a super weirdo. (Dick snickers)

Maddox: Mmhm.

Voicemail: Asking a girl what her dad is like...

Maddox: Yeah.

Voicemail: apparently super not cool.

[message ends]

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. (chuckles) It may be because you sound like Buffalo Bill.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That might be...that's the variable in this equation.

Maddox: Hm, mhm.

Dick: Right?

Steve: Well, he's also in northern California.

Dick: And you man, you know something about northern California, correct?

Steve: Just sayin'.

Dick: The kingdom of weed.

Steve: The kingdom of weed. Lotta paranoia. Everyone's gonna think you're weird. Just...I dunno, avoid it.

Maddox: It's a bad line! It's a terrible line. I've actually...I discovered that on my own because I actually used it, not as a line but it came up in a conversation one time.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I was really makin' headway with this, uh, with this girl on a date. Everything was goin' smooth sailing. We liked each other, she's super interesting, she was hot, I'm hot, you know? Everything's bada-bing, bada-boom! We're, uh, we're heading towards sack town, buddy.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And then, just outta curiosity: "So, uh, what's your relationship with your family like?" She goes, "Oh, I don't...I don't talk to my dad, and it turned into this abusive thing, and blah blah blah."

Dick: Well, I didn't say "family"; I said "dad."

Maddox: No, I...I think I specifically asked her her dad and then her family.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: But, it was just a trainwreck of a conversation. No man, killed the mood. Killed the mood. Dick, should we get to some problems?

Dick: Uh, yeah. Do we got any...? Yeah, go ahead.

Maddox: My first problem this week is People Who Can't Cook.

Dick: Ohh, okay!

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) (clapping sound effect) Yeah. People who can't cook. Big problem!

Dick: "People who can't..." "People who (blank)."

Maddox: People who can't cook.

Dick: You got a lot of "people who (blank)s." That's all I'm...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Another in the series of "people who (blank)."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Alright. I like that, 'cause I like to see how they rank on the overall list. Like, if you look at it and just search by "people who"?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Then, you see who's the most annoying type of people.

Maddox: Sure! Sure, fair enough.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: People who can't cook are idiots. They're bad at following directions. That's it! That's all it is!

Dick: That's it?

Maddox: If you can't cook, you're a FUCKING idiot.

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: You can't follow a few instructions?? By the way, the average recipe has like 4 instructions. 4! Mix the ingredients, turn on the stove...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: ...take it out of the stove when it's ready! (stammers angrily) That's, what, 3-4 ingred-...and then the 4th instruction is "eat"! Like, what the...?! How fuckin' hard is it to cook, ya morons? And it's just like a fucking contest! It's a shitshow contest where people are just, uh...

Dick: It's a race to the bottom.

Maddox: It's a race to the bottom!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Exactly, it's a race to the bottom.

Dick: Who knows the least about cooking.

Maddox: Mhm!

Dick: "I'm so stupid with cooking, I can't cook a jelly bean!"

Maddox: (stupid voice) "Uh, I can't even boil water! Huhuhuh!"

Dick: "I can't even eat!!" (laughs)

Maddox: It's just...this is a problem. It's a subset of anti-intellectualism.

Dick: Yeah, it is. I hate it too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause now every single chick...well, not every single one, but most of them that I talk to like to brag about how they can't cook.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And, know, like you were saying last episode, just be honest all the time? I can't say what I honestly think, 'cause it's like, "Well,, why? Then what the...what the fuck are you bringing here?"

Maddox: Right.

Dick: "Like, you can't...that seems like something you should enjoy." Right?

Maddox: Cooking or being honest?

Dick: Cooking!

Maddox: Cooking. Of course!

Dick: For God's sake, why are you PROUD of that?

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: What about it makes you proud of it, that it's part of your personality?

Maddox: You moron! You know what it's, uh, it's analogous to is when people used to have VCRs, and this might be the previous generation 'cause people don't have VCRs anymore, but there would be a clock on the VCR.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And it was kind of like a badge of honor about how stupid you were that you couldn't reset the clock on your VCR, because you had to go into the menu screen, and you would do that by pressing "menu," and then you would scroll down to where it says "clock" and then you just change the clock time on it. It's like 3 instructions! I literally just described how to do it, and everyone at parties would use it as some fucking dumbass badge of honor that they couldn't change the time on their VCR. "I'm so dumb, I don't even..." (idiot voice) Fuck you!! You're so dumb, stay home! Don't come to this party. Don't sully the gene pool at this party, 'cause you might get laid.

Dick: Yeah. I do hate what you're talkin' about.

Maddox: Yeah, man. Some people can't even cook spaghetti, essentially one of the easiest things to cook next to ramen. Ramen, you boil water. That's it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Spaghetti, you boil noodles, and then if you don't even have to put any effort into it! You open a jar of sauce that you buy -

Sean: (interjects) Oh, GOD. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: And pour it on top!

Dick: What?

Sean: My Italian grandmother is spinning in her grave, talking about jar sauce.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Jars of sauce? Would she prefer it in a can? That's a good solution.

Sean: Ayyy. (grossed out)

Maddox: Dick -

Dick: (interjects) Speaking of, go buy our solution episode.

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: For $1.99.

Maddox: Great. Great plug. And then cook something while you listen to it, you morons! Learn how to cook! Look, I wrote this article a long time ago on my website talking about people who don't like math.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And I compared them to animals that go extinct, because that's what you are. If you don't like math, you're a fucking donkey.

Dick: Eh, you lost...

Maddox: You're a donkey??

Dick: You lost me now.

Maddox: Good!! Fuck you!

Dick: With the math thing.

Maddox: Because math is the exact same thing as cooking. It's following instructions; it's following this recipe. Here's how you solve this problem. Follow the rules!'s like, it's NUMBERED for you, 1 through 4. What comes after 1?? 2! Okay, do what it says on step 2! Just do what it says and you can't fuck up!

Dick: Well, there's an element of comfort. Like, there's a degree of comfort that you can have while you're cooking that people...that I think people are threatened by. This is actually in line more with your Infantilism problem than anything else, I think. Like, uh, people in their early...early 30s? Probably more of their 20s, like mid-...early/mid-20s are threatened with the idea that they might screw up cooking, so they turn it into a joke, right? So they embrace the ignorance of it. You know what I'm saying? Like, "Oh, I might have to cook. I feel insecure about having to cook, so instead of admitting that to myself or anyone else, I'm just gonna pretend that it's cool to be stupid about it."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: That's a good theory. That's a good theory, Dick. (quietly)

Dick: Well, what? That's wrong? What...?

Maddox: No, it's not necessarily wrong. I don't know, it just sounded like, made it from an armchair over there. (laughs)

Sean: It's a pretty libertarian viewpoint.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Maddox: What's that, mine? Sean?

Sean: No, his.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: His?

Sean: Yeah, he's the libertarian.

Maddox: Yeah, well...

Dick: I mean, get your whole roll of insults out.

Maddox: No no, no. That's all I got.

Dick: I'm tryin' to help your fuckin' problem.

Maddox: No, no. No, I agree, I agree. No, it just sounded a little bit like armchair psychology, but I don't disagree with your theory! I agree, it is an extension of infantilism and anti-intellectualism because they not only feel comfort, but I would also say that they...they're able to offset the responsibility of eating onto somebody else.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So it's almost like somebody who wakes up and sits in their pajamas all day and eats a box of cereal 'cause they "can't cook."

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: Right? They think that that's part of their identity. It is infantilism.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I agree, yeah. That's a good point.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, the cooking thing is a real problem, man.'s the thing: I cook. I learned to cook one time because I bought a...I went to a store and I thought, "Well, I'm not an idiot." I consider myself a pretty smart guy. And I went to a store and I bought a cookbook and I thought, "I'm going to cook every recipe in this book," and I brought it home and I started cooking like 3 recipes into it and I realized, "This is all the same shit. You're just putting know, a little bit of herbs, little bit of spices, little bit of seasoning, pinch of this, pinch of that." You know, a tea-...a quarter of a teaspoon?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's, uh, that's cook-speak for "a pinch." 'Kay, guys? Don't be an idiot. When it says "quarter of a teaspoon," that's a pinch.

Dick: I tried to do that too. I made it to no pages of the book.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Like, I can cook...chicken, maybe, at best? Like, it' started to become embarrassing.

Maddox: Oh Dick, you -

Dick: (interjects) That I would eat out all the time too, but...I'm tryin' to get better at it, but it's not as easy as you're making it sound. Cooking.

Maddox: Dick, you don' -

Dick: (interjects) Like first of all, everything you buy to cook? When you go to cook a meal for yourself, everything you're buying on that first trip to the store is all one huge waste. 'Cause you're gonna try to make something, you're not gonna're gonna fuck it up, you're gonna have missed some little...some little ingredient like heavy cream or something. (Maddox snickers) $80 of groceries are...those $80 of groceries are gonna be sitting in your fridge for 3 weeks. Right?

Maddox: Eh. Well...

Dick: It's all a waste. It's not as easy as going to the store and spending 3 hours making a meal, like, when I'm hungry NOW. It's a hard habit to get into. What? You're smiling, like...what?

Maddox: No. Dick, my friend, you don't give yourself enough credit, 'cause I...this is a true story. I had a barbecue at my place one time.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I told everyone, "You know, bring a side dish or somethin' if you want, or a bag of chips, a beverage; whatever you want. Or nothin'! Just come enjoy yourself, 'cause I'm magnanimous."

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: Uh, I... (cracks up) So everyone came to this party, and Dick shows up with some fuckin' ace pie. And I'm thinkin', "Okay, where'd you buy this?"

Dick: All handmade. All handmade.

Maddox: Yeah!! I ta-...

Dick: (interjects) Crust, handmade; everything. Crushed-up vanilla wafers was the crust. It was beautiful.

Steve: That sounds wonderful.

Dick: Beautiful 4th of July party.

Maddox: Dick's Man Steve, this pie tasted incredible.

Dick: Banana cream pie.

Maddox: And to the point -

Dick: (interjects) Banana cream pie.

Maddox: To the point where I thought there might be some shenanigans going on. I honestly didn't believe...I grilled Dick probably 3 or 4 times during the course of the dinner. I'm like, "Seriously, where'd you buy the pie from?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was so delicious. It was a really good pie.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Among the best. We...I also had another friend at the party who is, uh...who WAS, for a while, a professional pastry chef.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Right? And she does really good desserts, and I thought your pie tasted better than was the best-tasting dessert at the -

Dick: (interjects) It did! Objectively, it did.

Maddox: It was the best-tasting -

Dick: (interjects) Best pie ever made, probably.

Maddox: It was REALLY good.

Steve: Your pie?

Dick: My pie.

Maddox: And Dick, you made that!

Steve: Don't call shenanigans on a man's pie. (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Dick: Yeah!! Right? Like I'm showing up with a scam here. (sneering) Like I'm... (laughs)

Steve: (interjects) A grown man shows up at your house with a pie, you assume he made it. That's just...

Dick: Yeah! Just... (laughing)

Maddox: (skeptical)

Dick: Just let me have it!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, what does it cost you assholes to just leave me the fuck alone about, I might've come in a little hot, on "check out this pie I made from scratch."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you're right to be asking these questions, but it was getting under people's skin that it was so delicious. (Steve laughs)

Maddox: It was.

Dick: Yeah. (grinning)

Maddox: It was really delicious.

Steve: "This pie is too good to be real." (hushed) (Dick laughs)

Maddox: In fact, to the point where I had to...I had to canvass for your pie, Dick. One of my friends didn't wanna taste it, and I said, "You gotta taste this pie. Just take a bite of it. Just take a bite!" And that bite turned into a slice, buddy.

Dick: Yeah, it was a great pie.

Maddox: It was a really good pie. That's why I say, Dick, you're selling yourself short. I think you can cook. Um, y-...

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but I understand that there's a comfort level and I understand that it's a tremendous waste to get in the habit of doing it, and that's what I think is threatening to people.

Maddox: A waste?! No man, you eat leftovers? I made gumbo the other day! It was fuckin' delicious, man. I ate my fingers off. I'm...I have STUMPS.

Dick: But when you start...when did you start cookin'?

Maddox: I started cooking when I moved out of my parents' house, around the age of 21, I think? Yeah.

Dick: Just immediately? And you started and then that was it?

Sean: Well, he got no more soup deliveries. (Maddox groans)

Dick: Yeah. (guffaws)

Maddox: Sean... (exasperated) (buzzer sound effect) Asshole. NO. I made...I started cooking because I thought, "I'm not an idiot." It was really, like, of those life challenges.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like a skill I decided to pick up. I thought, "I'm going to learn how to cook. I'm going to be better than most cooks." And then it turned out I was wrong; I'm better than ALL cooks.

Dick: Okay. (scoffing) (Maddox laughs) And you never went through that phase of buying a shitload of groceries that all went bad in your refrigerator?

Maddox: It happened once or twice, and it's only because I was too busy and I didn't get around to cooking it, but, uh...there's one exception where I do end up wasting a little bit of money on ingredients, and that's when I'm cooking for someone else. If I'm cooking for someone else, I pull out all the stops, I try to make a good job of it,, here's a perfect example: 2...about 3 years ago for Thanksgiving, I was baking an apple pie.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: From scratch, and there was this recipe...I encourage you all to -

Dick: (interjects) Gotta be from scratch. (smiles)

Maddox: I...what? Yeah, it's gotta be from scratch.

Dick: It's gotta be.

Maddox: The crust and everything. So I enc-...

Dick: (interjects) I mean, what are you, half-assing a pie? Just make no pie!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just shit in a box and call it a pie.

Maddox: Might as well. (Dick laughs) Shit in a box, not a can. So, you... (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah, it's worse. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: So I encourage everybody to Google this recipe. It's called "Grandma Ople's Apple Pie Recipe," and it's the most famous recipe on, uh, on Google. Guess how much cinnamon and cloves they put in this recipe?

Dick: I have n-...I don't know how to guess that.

Maddox: Zero!

Steve: A million?

Dick: Yeah. (cackles)

Maddox: Not Not a million, Dick's Man Steve! No!! (buzzer sound effect) Assholes. You guys are makin' a MOCKERY of my problem!

Dick: How much? A whole...a whole clove?

Maddox: Not a single grain of cinnamon, not a single grain of clover.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So what's the...what's in the pie?

Steve: Apples?

Maddox: It's just apples and butter!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: What kind of slapdick fucking pie...?! Get this shit outta my mouth! Get it outta my kitchen! (Steve laughing)

Dick: What do you want?

Sean: No sugar?!

Maddox: Get out of the state, get out of this country!! (yelling)

Sean: No sugar?

Maddox: Yeah, they put sugar.

Sean: Okay.

Steve: It's a buncha dough with, like, a scoop of butter and a half chopped-up apple.

Maddox: It's just...yeah! It's a shit recipe and everyone's like, "Mmm, it's the most delicious pie I've ever had!" (stupid voice) And then, like, people improve the recipe. They're like, "I added a dash of cinnamon, and it tasted really made the apple pop." (obnoxious voice) It's like, "Yeah fuckface, it's an apple pie! You need cinnamon!" You need cinnamon in an apple pie!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You don't have cinnamon in an apple pie? Get the fuck out of the US! Go back to...Uzbekistan.

Dick: Who was it for? Who was this pie for? When's the last time you cooked, like, a nice romantic meal for someone?

Maddox: Oh boy, it's, uh...probably...

Dick: I've never done that. Chicks pull that move on me. Great move.

Maddox: Oh, last week! Yeah, last week!

Dick: Last week?

Maddox: It was lunch! That's when I made gumbo! I made gumbo, it w-...

Dick: (interjects) You made a romantic gumbo for a lady?

Maddox: A ro-... (laughs)

Steve: You made a gumbo lunch in the middle of August? (everyone else laughs loudly)

Dick: Right?? This is...I mean, this is another level of, like, free time.

Steve: It's so hot outside!

Dick: Making a gumbo lunch in the middle of the day. Most people don't have this luxury.

Maddox: Gumbo!! It was was a...yeah, it was a romantic gumbo! (fart sound effect) It was a delicious, romantic gumbo! I threw a buncha ingredients in a pot. You fuckin' go fuck off for an hour, write your book -- which is what I did!

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: And then an hour later you come back and there's delicious gumbo in your kitchen. Delicious!!

Dick: Yeah.

Steve: I love gumbo, it's just not my first choice for an August lunch.

Maddox: Well, my friend...

Dick: I do hate what you're talking about though. I hate that it's worn as a badge of honor.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, "I can't cook, and uh..." It's like if people were proud of themselves for being illiterate.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, "Hey, can you tell me what street that is up ahead?" Or, um...

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: I dunno, "Can you read me that text I just got?" Like, "Uh, excuse me, but I can't read." (Maddox laughs) "I don't know who you think you're talking to, but I don't do that."

Maddox: "Oh, you can't read? I can't even grammar!" (laughs with Dick) Yeah man, it's a race to the bottom, and it's a's tragic. It makes me think so much less of you. I really don't think it's cute or funny when people say they can't cook. I think it's obnoxious...

Dick: It's not! (chuckling)

Maddox: ...I think it's annoying; I think you're a JERK.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A big jerk who can't cook. Fuck you! Who are you're just gonna rely on other people to feed you? What are you, a fuckin' baby bird?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Get outta here, baby bird. That's my problem. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, it is a race to the bottom. Alright. Can I go now?

Maddox: Should we hear from Tom Phillips first?

Dick: Let's hear from Tom Phillips first!

Maddox: Alright. Let's, uh...he's waiting on standby. That's why I'm worried.

Dick: We're gonna call him, for some weird reason. (Maddox laughs) We're c-...usually a correspondent would call US, but we're calling him.

Steve: It's a challenge to the form.

Dick: Yeah. Hey, before we get Tom to call in, I My man, uh, do you cook? Are you a man who cooks?

Steve: Uh, well -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause my experience with you is that you don't cook.

Steve: I...well -

Dick: (interjects) How long were you living with me? Never cooked one meal.

Steve: Didn't cook a single meal. (Dick chuckles) That's true.

Dick: Do you cook?

Steve: (stammers) I used to really...I got really into it with my ex-girlfriend. Like, we'd have alotta fun. We'd go and...tried out different recipes and stuff. But since I've moved up north, I haven't cooked a single meal. I'm like...I'm treated like a king. It's wonderful.

Maddox: Hm!

Dick: Treated like a king?

Steve: I wake up to, like, fresh berries and, like, scrambled eggs with kale.

Dick: By whom? What do you mean, you're treated like a king?

Steve: The Duchess! She cooks every meal for me.

Dick: Oh my god.

Steve: She goes out of her way to get, like, organic meats and spend hours...

Maddox: Wow.

Steve: It's -

Dick: (interjects) King of Weed over here.

Steve: It's so good!

Maddox: Do you have a poison taster on staff?

Dick: Yeah, you gotta watch it.

Steve: Ohh, you know, that's a really good idea. (Maddox laughs) I should probably...oh man, that's a bad i-...I need to get one soon.

Dick: Alright, let's get Tom Phillips on the line.

Maddox: Tom Phillips, joining us in Germany at Gamescom! Right? (techno music comes on in background) Tom, are you with us?

"Tom Phillips" (over phone): Uh, hey guys! Yes, I'm calling in from Germany. Does this sound okay?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: It does, surprisingly.

Maddox: Not bad!

"Tom Phillips": Hey, it's Tom Phillips, junior editor at, and you know, I just can't wait to bring you the latest video game scoops on Gamescom's hottest indie titles!

Maddox: Yeah, your website Everybody loved it last time, Tom. I really appreciate it. And everybody know, people who are hardcore gamers know that we send our correspondents out to Gamescom. (Dick laughs) Uh, we gotta cover this thing. So yeah, if you could tell us anything goin' on. What are the hot games? What's goin' on at Gamescom?

"Tom Phillips": Well, absolutely, and just know, just to level set a little bit for your listeners, Gamescom is the biggest video game event in the world. You know? It makes E3 look like a strawberry festival or something. (Maddox snickers) It just makes E3 look like total crap. You see, so know what I mean?

Dick: Yeah. Two things I don't give a shit about.

Maddox: Strawberry festivals and E3? (laughs)

Dick: E3 and a strawberry festival. (smiles)

Maddox: Strawberries are delicious!! Get outta here. Alright, sorry Tom. You were saying?

"Tom Phillips": Well, hey, I wanna tell you about some of the great games I saw at Gamescom. '90s real-time strategy fans had plenty to celebrate with the launch of "Command & Conquer & Apologize." (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: Oh, that sounds like a...that sounds like a real tedious game.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What is it about? What's...?

"Tom Phillips": I mean, actually, I don't...I don't know, I find it fun. I mean, you know, in this game you take control of the forces of GDI or Nod, but you don't take control in, like, a mean way. It's like you're their boss, but you know, you're also their friend, r-right? You know? (nervous laugh) You get to issue's a tactical command, so you get to issue, like...there's a button you press where it's "Build a barracks, if that's cool with you." (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Right.

"Tom Phillips": Or "Attack the enemy, but feel free to do it your way. I mean, I wouldn't wanna stifle your creativity." (nervous laugh)

Maddox: Oh my GOSH.

"Tom Phillips": And that laugh actually is in the button console command. (Maddox giggles)

Dick: What else you got?

"Tom Phillips": Um, or there's another button. It's "Harvest resources, unless you don't want to. Y'know, I can harvest these resources. Why don't you guys knock off early, you know? Just...I'll take care of this, and if you guys are goin' out for drinks later, email or text me or Gchat me. (Maddox laughs) And, know, while they never end up emailing or texting you, if you win the game you get an awesome cut scene of you drinking alone in your studio apartment.

Dick: Hm. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: So "Command, Conquer & Apologize." It sounds like it's sponsored by HuffPo. I'm not sure know who the developer is for that game?

"Tom Phillips": Yeah, I believe it's EA/HuffPo/Gawker. (Maddox laughs) I think it's, like, one of those little specialty studios.

Maddox: Yeah, big into the shaming market.

Dick: Sounds cool.

Maddox: They should get in on our shame pool.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Maybe that should be a game.

Dick: You got any other games, Tom?

"Tom Phillips": Oh, yeah! "Dark Souls 2"...everybody loves "Dark Souls."

Maddox: Great game!

"Tom Phillips": It's getting a surprise re-release as "Dark Souls 2: Ultimate Challenge Edition." Now, if you guys thought this game was hard before, you ain't seen nothin' yet. "Dark Souls 2" is now so hard that the disc itself is made of razor-sharp knives. (Maddox giggles) It makes's hard to even put in your Xbox! It's so hard that every time you level up, you have to write a thousand-word essay about how hard the game is. (Maddox still laughing) I mean, it's really hard! It's hard and therefore great. I mean, it's a hard and therefore great game, you know. It's so hard that the game puts the faces of the player's family on every enemy! (Maddox and Dick laugh) So progressing in the game means killing your parents over and over again.

Dick: Alright, that's hard.

Maddox: Tom, that sounds like it'd make the game easier for me. But also, you know... (Tom/Asterios laughs) I don't understand, what's the difference between "Dark Souls 2" and "Dark Souls 2: Ultimate Edition"? Because it seems like every time a "Dark Souls 2" player levels up, he does write an essay about how hard it was. (laughs)

"Tom Phillips": Well, you know, they've game-ified that aspect of it, so every time you tweet about like, "Oh, it's so hard," know, you post "But oh, it's so hard," you'll get a potion or a new cutlass.

Maddox: Oh! (smiling)

"Tom Phillips": So it's, you know, it's fact, the game is so hard that Sophie from "Sophie's Choice" called and was like, "Boy, I thought I had it hard, but I DIDN'T have it hard because this game is so hard!" (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) I mean...

Maddox: It's harder than the decision Sophie had to make?

"Tom Phillips": Yeah! And therefore good. I mean, that's why people like this game, right? Because it's...a hard game is a good game, right? I mean, have you guys heard how hard this game is? (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, we've heard it's really hard. Almost as hard as, uh, my diamond tip. (laughs to himself)

Dick: What else you got?

"Tom Phillips": Ohohohoho! (laughing)

Maddox: Sean's shakin' his head. Sorry, Tom. Yeah, go...sorry to go blue. I know your website's family-friendly. Let's go on, yeah.

"Tom Phillips": No, no, no, of c-...well hey, thank you for...I accept your apology. (Maddox and Dick laugh) Uh, Gamescom's "Star Citizen" panel had all of Germany buzzing as developer Chris Roberts unveiled a long-awaited module for "Star Citizen" that allows users to donate money four times as fast! (Maddox giggles) Fans can...they can finally say goodbye to long PayPal load times. Okay? This latest update includes a hardware add-on that literally grabs gamers by the legs, shakes them upside down 'til their wallets fall out, and runs the credit cards for them.

Maddox: Tom, that sounds like it would save gamers so much time of spending their hard-earned money on a game that may or may not ever come out!

"Tom Phillips": Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the thing about gamers, is that their time is really valuable. You know, they're always out there exercising, (Maddox and Sean laugh) they're doing charity work...

Maddox: Cooking!

"Tom Phillips": ...they're being social. They LOVE socializing.

Maddox: Oh.

"Tom Phillips": So this is really gonna help these busy gamers spend more money on a game that doesn't exist yet!

Maddox: So they're also game-ifying the donation aspect, it sounds like.

"Tom Phillips": Oh, absolutely. In fact, when you donate, you get a drawing of all the fun and excitement you'll never have in this game. (Maddox and Sean laugh) And you know...and yet -

Maddox: (interjects) Tom, I can't wait! I'm super excited about this one. And I assume that'll be on Steam?

"Tom Phillips": Or you can just go directly to Chris Roberts' mansion and just, you know, slip money under his door. (Maddox giggles) And then he'll slip a napkin with the words "Star Citizen" on it back through the slit.

Maddox: That's, uh, that's a new level of interactivity I haven't seen in these types of crowdsourced games.

"Tom Phillips": Well, it's 2015. Interactivity is everything.

Maddox: Wow, thanks Tom! (Dick laughs) Alright, Tom Phillips, thank you. Thank you for calling in. Sorry to take up so much of your time. I know it's super busy at Gamescom. (cracking up) I know you got a lot, uh...I heard there's a new "Fallout" game, and it's, uh, it's's like emotional fallout from a family breaking up. And a divorce, yeah.

Dick: Is that you reporting? (Tom/Asterios laughs)

Maddox: No, that's what I read! I read the trades, it was this week!

"Tom Phillips": Or he read it on my website.

Dick: Oh, okay.

"Tom Phillips": Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, I follow Tom Phillips!, I'm sorry, We'll link to it again. Thank you, Tom. (techno music fades out)

Dick: Alright, well, today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit for your free audiobook download. Audible has over 150,000 titles to choose from. Every genre, Audible has it covered. Get a free audiobook download when you sign up today. Uh, listen whenever and wherever you want, just like the podcast you're listening to right now. Are you on Audible anywhere? At all?

Maddox: Am I on Audible?

Dick: Yeah, are any of your...?

Maddox: I should be. I think Alphabet of Manliness might be, and my new book will be for sure.

Dick: Your new book will be on Audible?? t

Maddox: Yeeeeah.

Dick: 100%?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You guarantee that?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Alright, well, sign up now. Start downloading books now so you are ready to go when Maddox's next book comes out. Right? You don't wanna be figuring out this technology. If you can't figure out self-checkout lanes, there's no way you can figure out something as easy as Audible.

Maddox: Little jab, little jab. Mhm, yeah.

Dick: You don't wanna be fiddling with it when your book launches.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Drops, right? Excuse me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Drops?

Maddox: Launches. "Launches." Up into the atmosphere, buddy. Stratosphere. Uh, past! Beyond. Dick, do they have cookbooks on Audible?

Dick: (chuckles) I don't know. Why don't you look it up?

Maddox: I bet they do. Yeah, you know what? I bet each -

Dick: (interjects) You got a computer in front of you.

Maddox: Each chapter... (cracks up) I bet each chapter would take about a minute. Buncha BOZOS. Julia know, she's dead. BUT, if she weren't, I would love to hear her voice narrating an audiobook. A cookbook.

Dick: Sure! Audible has over 1,000 science and technology books and over 1,100 science fiction and fantasy titles. Um...we've found some good ones in the past. "Milked At Her Uncle's Farm," you remember that one?

Maddox: Yeah man, that was a good book!

Dick: "How Smart Is God?", "Economic Theory: Master the Basics to Sound Like a Big Shot" -- you might wanna check that one out.

Maddox: That w-...that sounds made up, Dick. (Dick laughs)

Dick: It was real up until the "big shot."

Maddox: Verisimilitude. That's what that was.

Dick: Yeah. Go to...ohh, man. The "U.R. Rong" guy?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I legitimately missed his name being "U.R. Rong."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did you? It's embarrassing.

Maddox: No. No, I picked it up! No, it was, uh...

Dick: Nah, you picked it up 'cause somebody pointed it out in the comments.

Maddox: No, I didn't! I mentioned during that episode, I said "his name spells..." Uh, what was it? It sounded like it, yeah. But I didn't get the full "U.R. Rong."

Dick: No. Yeah, me either.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Visit for your free audiobook download. There you go. Thank you.

Maddox: And guys, thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for supporting it with the bonus episodes and with Audible. It really helps us out. Check out an audiobook, guys. It's actually really good listening. There's some really good...the audiobooks on there are narrated so well.

Dick: Let's be honest: reading is for losers. Right?

Maddox: No, get outta heeeere!

Dick: Listen to a book. There's no point in reading.

Maddox: Wrong, dickhead.

Dick: You don't have to work when don't have to work when you're listening to a book. It gets read to you!

Steve: Yeah.

Dick: It's perfect!

Maddox: Alright. (dismissively)

Dick: It's awesome.

Maddox: Dick, what's your problem?

Dick: My problem...lemme just tell you first, real fast. I feel like a zombie right now. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Why is that?

Dick: I feel dead. I feel like a Walking Dead person.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: Like, I've got no energy, I feel like my eyeballs are about to burst out of my head.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Right? Because I'm recovering from a waking nightmare. Of watching over...a toddler. For a weekend. (grimly)

Maddox: Huh!

Dick: For one weekend.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Do you know what is a toddler?

Maddox: I think I know what is a toddler. A to-...yeah.

Dick: Toddlers are my problem.

Maddox: Oh, toddlers? (surprised)

Dick: Toddlers, yeah.

Maddox: I know what is a toddler, because...I brought it in as a problem. Babies!

Dick: No, babies -

Maddox: (interjects) Vote up Babies!!

Dick: Babies are before 1 year old, dipshit.

Maddox: I don't know... (stammers) They sound the same to me!! If someone said, "Hey, I got a toddler," I'm like, "Oh, there's a BABY."

Dick: Well -

Sean: (interjects) These are babies with really strong opinions who are mobile.

Maddox: What?!

Dick: Do you know what i-...?! There are...these words that we have are important for a reason. We have these words to describe the world. Like, if you say...if you call a restaurant and ask for a reservation for you and 4 babies and then you show up with 4 grown adults, they're gonna say, "What the hell were you talking about? These are not babies."

Maddox: Yeah, but this -

Dick: (interjects) "These are clearly not babies."

Maddox: This is a very precise thing you're talkin' about, man. (Dick giggles) This is something that only parents know about, this distinction. Babies and toddlers? I don't fuckin' know! I didn't even learn the difference between a tampon and a pad until like a month ago when someone told me during a live stream! He was like, "Hey man, that's not the same - "

Steve: (interjects) Wait, you don' don't know any women? (Dick and Sean burst out laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, I know women!! I know women, dickhead! I don't get into their shit! I'm not, like, checkin' out their panties for period stains! I don't know what they're doin', what they're cloggin' up there!

Steve: Whoooa!

Dick: Whahahahahohohohoah! (uneasily)

Maddox: I don't know! I don't know what they use, what they... (stammers) Look -

Dick: (interjects) But they're different words! Like, you never thought, "Huh, why are they using a different word for that?"


Dick: You think they just cram toilet paper up their gooch and they call it what... (everyone spits out laughing) it macaroni? What do you think it's for??

Maddox: I don't know, m-...what's the difference, man? Look, we have different words this thing that Sean hauls in here all the time, that call it a rack!

Dick: Sound rig? A rig? A rack? Sure. (grinning)

Maddox: A rig, a rack, a box? Like, it's a number of things that we call it. It's the same thing. (Dick giggling) Like, what's the difference between a compact and, know, whatever other makeup bullshit that, uh, that chicks u-...?

Dick: Oh, a makeup thing?

Maddox: Yeah! I don't know, because I'm not a woman! I don't...that's not my expertise!! (yelling)

Dick: So you think women are like Eskimos with a hundred words for snow? (Sean guffaws in the background) They've got multiple words for the same, uh, menstruation protection?

Maddox: Yeeeeah!

Dick: Call it a tampon, call it a pad? (laughing)

Maddox: Call it a tampon, call it a pad!

Dick: You didn't see it on commercials all the time?!? Like, you didn't see the pad that they're dumping blue water on that's not a period?

Maddox: I don't know that works, I don't know what they do with it! I didn't even...I thought -

Dick: (interjects) They don't do anything with it!! (laughing)

Maddox: I didn't even know until recently that women could pee wearing those things.

Dick: I read...somebody commented on it that you said in the Twitch stream, "can they pee with them in or not?"

Maddox: Yeah, I... (stammering)

Dick: And that I should bring it up on the show. You know, I wanna give you, like, a basic biology quiz. (Maddox laughs) Like, something that a Christian camp counselor gives 7th graders.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, "Does this...does this happen? Can you pee with a tampon in?"

Maddox: Ugh. (sighing)

Dick: Like a basic sexual health class.

Maddox: You know -

Sean: (interjects) But dumb it down. (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Fuck you!! FUCK YOU! (buzzer sound effect) I HATE ALL...I hate everything that's happened!! (buzzer sound effect) (stammers angrily) Go back to the start of the show! Start it...start this fuckin' show over! (everyone else laughing hysterically) Sean, start recording right now! "Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe!"

Dick: Maddox, you have to know this stuff!! You have to know what is a tampon and a pad!

Maddox: I d-... (cracks up)

Dick: You're 30-someth-...what are you, a 37-year-old man?

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: You have to know this shit!

Maddox: Why do I have to know it?! I've never bought one! I don't need to u-...look, if a woman sends me to the store, 'kay? "Get me some tampons," I'll buy whate-...ANYTHING, anything in that aisle.

Dick: You punch her right in the face! (everyone laughs loudly)

Maddox: I'll go to that aisle, man. "Baby, I'm buyin' the first thing I see. Beads..."

Dick: Like they're on Supermarket Sweep!! (everyone laughs) Running down the aisle, knocking tampons and pads into your...and you stop when you hit the Depends.

Maddox: Ahh, yeah! Yeah, I'll put... "One of these gotta go up there!"

Steve: "Up there"? (Dick giggles hysterically)

Maddox: "One of these gotta work!"

Steve: "Gotta git it up there."

Dick: Yeah. "Get it up there!" (laughing)

Maddox: "Come onnn. Come on!" Look, "toddler" and "baby" is such a specific distinction that only parents and fuckin' -

Dick: (interjects) It's not's v-... (squeaking)

Maddox: And doctors would know.

Dick: It's specific, correct, but it' one year! A baby...

Maddox: Is that it?

Dick: A baby is an infant. Right?

Maddox: Is that the distinction??

Dick: This is...I feel like I'm talkin' to George Costanza's parents.

Maddox: Oh. (sneering)

Dick: "Who's havin' sex...?" "A chicken and a hen are the same thing." (Sean laughing in background) "Who's havin' sex with the hen?!"

Maddox: Look, man...

Dick: A baby is an infant.

Maddox: Same thing. They look -

Dick: (interjects) First year of their life.

Maddox: Yeah. You're bringing a toddler, I'm gonna expect a baby.

Dick: That's...

Maddox: And you know, you bring a baby, I'm expecting a toddler. Babies babble, man! How... (stammers, flustered) What's this important distinction between a baby and a toddler that makes babies NOT a problem, but toddlers a problem?

Dick: A baby is just a shit and a noise machine. A nothing. (ominously)

Maddox: That sounds horrible!

Dick: Compared to the living hell...oh, yes, it is horrible! It is horrible. It's horrible to deal with. Don't ever have one. But a TODDLER is orders of magnitude times worse. Thousands of times worse than a baby. A toddler is like a little terrorist...

Sean: Mhm! (from background)

Dick: ...that you have in your house that cannot be told what to do, that cannot be bargained with, that cannot be reasoned with, and it's like dealing with a schizophrenic. They say dealing with babies is like a drunk? Having a drunk at home that you have to take care of? IT'S NOT. I've taken care of a lot of drunks, and none of them are as violent and crazy and as destructive -- wickedly destructive -- as a toddler.

Maddox: You've been taking care of one your whole life. Yourself!

Dick: What, myself?

Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah! And I'm -

Maddox: (interjects) The biggest drunk of all.

Dick: I'm a piece of cake! I don't even know when I'm taking care of myself, I'm so good at -

Maddox: (interjects) Piece of pie, Dick.

Dick: So my si-...yeah. Piece of pie. (Maddox laughs) Uh, so my sister has a...she's got a 2-month and, um...what is he, 2? 2 years, 8 months. Ish. Around there. And she just had another kid. He's about 2 months old. So she's by herself; she asked me to come up and help with...very innocuously: "Can you come up and help out a little bit this weekend?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? "Help out with, you know, like around...around bedtime."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: "When the kids are getting in the bath. You watch one and I'll watch the other."

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: So I get in ch-...I'm in charge of watching the toddler.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? 'Cause what am I...I can't feed a baby. Right?

Maddox: (raising voice) Uh, I don't know, m-...I don't know anymore, man! (Dick scoffs and starts laughing) You're the expert! You're the Mommy Masterson over here! I don't know anything about kids, I'm just a dumb idiot! A dumb, stupid, balding idiot. I don't know shit about kids, I don't know shit about tampons; just a big fucking moron!

Dick: What do you mean?! (laughing)

Maddox: Uhh, idling through life! I don't know shit!! I'm just a big dummy. I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge. (stammers angrily) Toddler and baby. Same fuckin' thing! (Dick still laughing)

Dick: Why are you so pissed off?!?

Maddox: GAH! I know...I know what is a baby! (both laugh)

Dick: Okay!

Steve: Hey man, don't be so hard on yourself.

Maddox: Get outta here, Dick's Man Steve! (laughing) More condescension!!

Dick: So the reason I can't feed the baby is because I'm not lactating. (grins) (Maddox giggling) Just so you know.

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: That's why I said...

Maddox: Thank you for -

Steve: (interjects) His tits aren't filled with sand. (Dick and Sean cackle hysterically)

Maddox: Tha-...f-...FUCK YOU!!!! (buzzer sound effect) I hate...this is BULLSHIT!! (clapping sound effect) No, I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN THAT!! (cracks up) (Steve and Sean giggling)

Dick: Look, look. The birth control talk that teens are getting in school is all wrong.

Sean: Yes. (from background)

Dick: We're not helpin' these kids by telling 'em they need to watch out for AIDS and herpes and whatever. (chuckles) That is...that is NOTHING. That is nothing compared to the nightmare of dealing with these little fuckin' toddlers.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: With nothing but hate in their eyes. And they're all about the lulz. You wanna talk about lulz? Anonymous has nothing...

Maddox: What are you talkin' about?

Dick: ...on one to-...lul-..."a lulz" is the -

Maddox: (interjects) LOL? You're saying "lolz"? Oh my... (exasperated)

Dick: L-U-L-Z.

Maddox: Oh, "lulz."

Dick: The idea that you do something just to cause mayhem and havoc.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: That's all they do!

Maddox: Hm.

Dick: They're cr-...they have not learned the difference between good and evil yet. All they know is reaction.

Maddox: Hm.

Dick: So that...and they love it! And it's putting my lulz principles to the test, because like, this little bastard kicked me in the face so hard that I couldn't see.

Maddox: Hahah! (tauntingly) That's funny.

Dick: Right? (Maddox giggles mischievously) Yeah!! And I...I'm reeling from it, and he's laughing and grinning. I'm like, "Well, you know, you're right to be laughing, 'cause this is very funny, but there's nothing you can... (gritting his teeth) There's nothing you can do to stop it!

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah, you stop it the same way you stop terrorists! You just round 'em up, throw 'em in Guantanamo in a dark cell, and there you go! "There you go, idiot. I'll see you when you're 18!" (laughs to himself)

Steve: Sounds good.

Dick: Yeah. (grins) Sounds good.

Maddox: Problem solved!

Dick: "If you need any tampons or...milk..."

Maddox: "...yeah, fuck yourself!"

Dick: " someone else."

Maddox: Yeah, not me! Look man, you deal with it...if they're acting like terrorists, you deal with it like terrorists. Right? First of all, you don't -

Dick: (interjects) Give 'em whatever they want?

Maddox: No. You don't bargain, you don't negotiate, you don't give 'em ANYTHING they want; you cut off their supply of whatever it is they need -- in this case, food... (Dick laughs hysterically) Send 'em to bed hungry a few times, they'll shape up!

Dick: Oho. So you see, they can always out-double you.

Maddox: How's that?

Dick: They can always double down harder than you.

Maddox: Ahh. (skeptical) See, my indifference to their pain and suffering, buddy. You have no idea, my...the depths -

Dick: (interjects) It's not their pain and suffering; it's your sleep. They will start fucking with your sleep, and you...

Maddox: (interjects) I can't hear them!

Dick: will get...they are human Guantanamo Bays! Like,'ll try to get a second of sleep, and here they come. "Bap-badap-badap-badap-badap!" Making noise, wanting to use your iPad, doing ANYTHING they can do to wake your ass up. You ca-...

Steve: (interjects) Or literally the worst thing, which is just scream.

Dick: Yeah! (Sean grimaces in the background)

Steve: Like, little toddler girls and boys have this voice that is unmatchable, and they will just *scream*...for like 45 minutes.

Dick: Until they get what they want! They remember the scene in "Zero Dark Thirty" when they just -

Steve: (interjects) You can, like, shake 'em? Won't stop it.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Won't stop it!

Maddox: What are you g-... (cracks up) What are you guys, pussies?? I can scream louder! (Steve chuckles)

Dick: No you -

Maddox: (interjects) If a kid starts screaming, I start screaming, buddy! (angrily) PLEASE.

Dick: (scoffs) Maddox, Maddox. Maybe for 5 minutes, but they can scream *all day.*

Maddox: I...

Dick: They can scream for-...until that's all you hear, is "ahhhhh!" (high-pitched)

Maddox: I've been screaming this entire episode!! I AM BETTER THAN YOUR KIDS! I can do everything better than a kid, including shit myself and scream! (Steve laughs) I can out-shit and out-scream, I can out-annoy...I can kick YOU in the head, buddy! You can't see temporarily? How 'bout not seeing PERMANENTLY??

Dick: You...listen to me. You have never felt fear in your life...

Maddox: Yeah! That's true.

Dick: ...when you hear -

Maddox: (interjects) End it there! (laughs)

Dick: When you have never felt this kind of fear. When you hear "Hey Uncle, where should I put this?" and you turn around and you see a toddler with your laptop clutched in the tips of his fingertips (Maddox laughs tauntingly) spinning around in circles in the garage.

Maddox: Ah. (smiling)

Dick: 'Cause he's "helping." (splutters) At this moment, there's nothing you can do! You can't fluster him. You're gotta be like Indiana Jones. Right? (Maddox chuckles) Or you gotta be like a hostage negotiator talking someone off of a building. You freak 'em out a little bit, they'll just throw the laptop 'cause it's funny!

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: Or 'cause they're worried!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or they...'cause they have no idea what they're doing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is the constant state...the constant terror of your life when dealing with a toddler.

Maddox: I agree. Vote up Babies. Vote up Babies. Babies turn into toddlers,'s why Toddlers is a less...lesser of a problem than Babies. Right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Because there's no such thing as "sudden toddler death syndrome." Right? You don't have to constantly worry about them just fucking dying for no reason! You don't have to worry about a soft spot on their head that you might drop a screwdriver in.

Dick: (scoffs) Oh, you are as wrong as you can po-... (Maddox laughs) They try...babies, you might *accidentally* kill.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Toddlers are trying to kill themselves at all times.

Maddox: GOOD.

Dick: They are diving headlong into...if they see a brick, their first thought is, "I wonder how...I wonder how fast I could bash my head into that brick."

Maddox: That is nature taking care of -

Dick: (interjects) That's all you're doing!

Maddox: That is nature taking care of itself. Nature's know what? We want the tough ones to survive, right? That's survival of the fittest in play. You're seeing it happen. That's Social Darwinism. You're seeing the dumb kids, who's going to, know, dive headfirst into a brick wall? Hey, you know what? Bad egg. Start over.

Dick: Bad egg? (chuckling)

Maddox: Start over. (cracks up) Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (scoffing)

Maddox: Start over.

Steve: When I was a toddler, I drank a quart of Pine Sol because I thought it was apple juice. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: That...and look at you now!

Dick: Normal! This is normal. (Maddox stammers)

Steve: That was regular behavior.

Dick: That is normal behavior.

Steve: Everyone saw that comin'.

Dick: Normal behavior. (smiles)

Maddox: That is nature telling you you shouldn't exist!! And then your...some interventionist parents -

Steve: (interjects) I totally win. I'm still alive!

Dick: Yeah.

Steve: Fuck nature!

Maddox: See, I...I really like this terrorist analogy, right? Because America has an interventionist policy, which is HURTING us, which is bad, and we're enabling these terrorists and we're creating new terrorists.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Parents are doing the same thing by having an interventionist policy in their children's lives, by stopping them from hurting themselves.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Right? You're letting the bad eggs slip through! The unproductive ones.

Dick: I wanna le-...I wanna bring this guy into your living room and just give him 90 seconds alone with your computer.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: To see how see how your policy of non-intervention changes. (smiles)

Maddox: Oh. (sarcastic)

Dick: In about the blink of an eye.

Maddox: Nonono, I'm just talkin' about intervention when it comes to them hurting themselves. I'm all about them hurting themselves.

Dick: This is this... (laughing) Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: You know what he'd do? He'd probably download files from Dropbox in fewer steps. (Dick and Steve laugh loudly)

Dick: Problem is you. (muttering) Did you know that -

Maddox: (interjects) (suddenly yells) Fuck y-...I'm FUCKIN' tired of this shit!! Fuck Dropbox, fuck you Sean, fuck you Dick Masterson... (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)

Maddox: ...fuck you Dick's Man Steve. Fuck everyone in this room except for me, I'm the best. (shouting)

Dick: You use Dropbox? My man?

Steve: Uh, you hooked me up with it, but I live in the woods. I don't get alotta Internet time.

Maddox: Oh. Surprise, surprise.

Dick: So you don't use it?

Steve: Yeah, not really.

Dick: Yeah. Alright. Number of Americans killed so far this year by terrorists? (Maddox snickers) 3.

Maddox: Yeah... (background laughter)

Dick: Number of Americans on American soil -- excuse me -- on American soil. That was the Boston bomber. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? Yeah, you remember him? 3 people killed.

Maddox: That was this year??

Dick: I'm sorry, last year.

Maddox: Last year.

Dick: Whenever. Now, who the -

Maddox: (interjects) No, like 2 years ago!

Dick: Who fuckin' cares?!? (cracks up) Number of Americans killed on American soil that year by toddlers? 5.

Maddox: How?

Dick: Guns! They get into gun -

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, toddlers with guns? Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I found this on, an article about...I think it was supposed to be about gun safety, but I thought that was pretty funny.

Maddox: Yeah. (dryly) It's hilarious!

Dick: Toddlers have killed more people in America than terrorism. (lowers voice)

Maddox: Huh. Toddlers are a problem, man.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And babies. Babies who turn into toddlers.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Go to the root.

Dick: AND, and...see, you're in a are constantly walking the edge of psychopathy when you're dealing with them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know the abyss you spoke of last episode?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: You are constantly staring into the abyss. Because when they have your shit, when they're fuckin' with it, you have to totally blank out all of your emotions and feelings to deal with them, like in the computer example. You have to be the zen master who is not terrified of your $3,000 computer getting destroyed, who is just...who is just approaching the situation like a car teetering on the edge of a cliff. Right? You have to be very, very careful. And then when you get kicked in the face, and they laugh at it, you're like, "That really hurt. Uhh...can you not kick me in the face again?" They're still laughin'! And you wonder -

Maddox: (interjects) That's 'cause you don't discipline 'em!

Dick: Ohh, how?! (cynical) How? Please tell us how.

Maddox: Ya smack 'em! (Dick laughs) You smack 'em.

Dick: You ssss-... (laughing) You smack them?

Maddox: (raises voice) Ya smack 'em upside the head. Here's the thing, Dick: I know -

Dick: (interjects) You smack a 3-year-old child?

Maddox: Of course. I was smacked all the time.

Dick: You're goin' straight to jail. (grins) (Maddox scoffs)

Maddox: Oho, please. They don't know...they don't know phone numbers. They don't know phone numbers, they don't have cell...they don't have cell phones. (Dick cackles) They don't have landlines, they don't have access to anything.

Dick: Okay. (smiling)

Maddox: "Shut up. Go to your room."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: "Shut up, go to your room." That's what you tell 'em every single time. You don't smack 'em hard enough to bruise 'em!

Dick: They don't go to their room.

Maddox: Well, you PUT them there. Ya pick 'em up and you put them there, 'cause it's a fucking child and you pick it up and does what it tells you!

Dick: And then you...what, you lock them in the room??

Maddox: YES, and then you tell 'em to fuck off until they start behaving.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Look man, I was a real disciplined child. I would sit...I would go to places with my parents, I'd sit down, I wouldn't run around screaming my head off, I wouldn't pick up shit, I wouldn't pick u-...I wouldn't push know, occasionally -

Dick: (interjects) How do you know?

Maddox: I remember, 'cause I have a good memory. I remember!

Dick: Okay. (sneering)

Maddox: Plus my mom told me. My mom told me, plus my mom's friends, growing up, said I was always a really well-disciplined child.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I was really well-behaved, well-disciplined. Um, except occasionally I would go know, parties and stuff, and I would look up...uh, my mom's friends' skirts. But...but other than that. Listen -

Dick: (interjects) Sexual predator.

Maddox: No. No!! (Dick laughs to himself)

Steve: As a...3-year-old?

Maddox: NO. Please.

Dick: Go ahead. (smiling)

Maddox: Anyway. I would go to these...I would go to these parties and occasionally I would push the envelope, and I knew what I was doing. I was fuckin' with my parents. I was trying to see how far I could push the envelope, and then I'd get smacked. And then, know, I knew not to do that anymore, 'cause I didn't wanna get smacked.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: But I knew the difference between abuse and a little bit of a smacking around.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: You know, you smack a child upside the head; that's different than leaving bruises on them and, uh...and you know, breaking bones or lashing them know, there's a difference between smacking a kid and beating a kid. There's a huge difference. There's a chasm of difference, and that's why I think this generation of kids that are coming up, everyone's too fucking afraid 'cause they're gonna call social services and chil-...well, fine. Whatever. "You wanna call social services? Pack your bags, fuckhead! You're gone. Get out! You think you're gonna have a better life with these guys?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "You haven't seen abuse, fuckhead! You were havin' fun runnin' around with my laptop in the garage? How 'bout living in an orphanage? There."

Dick: They don't understand that shit. (grinning)

Maddox: Oh. (sarcastic)

Dick: And I seriously doubt you remember shit from when you were 3 years old.

Maddox: Of course I do!

Dick: What the hell are you talking about?

Maddox: My earliest earliest memory -- my mom confirmed this, it was so weird. She said she had no idea I could remember anything from that...that old. Uh, but when I was 1! When I was 1 year old, I...that's my earliest memory, and it was correct.

Dick: What was it of?

Maddox: It was actually...I was in Syria in my aunt's apartment. This is kind of a...I won't go -

Steve: (interjects) Is this a spy thriller plotline, or...?

Maddox: What's that? Nonono!

Steve: Is this like a... (cracks up) ...plotline to a spy thriller?

Maddox: No, I was in Syria!

Dick: No, he's Middle Eastern. He's re-...

Maddox: (interjects) No, I'm Armenian. My mom was born in Syria. So I was in Syria in my aunt's apartment, and I remember the...they had just done laundry, and they just hung laundry up on the balcony.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: We were sitting outside on the balcony, my mom was eating...uh, some food, and I remember the neighbor upstairs had just cleaned their balcony with a hose, and they squeegeed all the dirty water off and it landed on the laundry down below on the balcony that we were sitting on.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I remember my aunt and my mom screaming upstairs at the neighbors, telling them "What the fuck are you doing? We just cleaned our laundry. You just squeegeed dirty water onto our laundry!" That was a very specific memory!

Dick: So your... (sighs) Your memory from a Middle Eastern family is your mom and aunt screaming at someone?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ehh...if I had to bet, I would say it's pretty safe that that would be a true story whether or not you really remember it or not.

Maddox: Yeah, that specific story happened. I remember what the laundry looked like, I remember what, uh...there was a flower on...there was a flower arrangement on the table. I remember that memory very distinctly.

Dick: Alright. Well, that's my problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Do you wanna do another one? (closing riff starts)

Maddox: I'll bring it in next time.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Alright, that's it. We're runnin' outta time, guys. My problem this week was People Who Can't Cook.

Dick: And mine was Toddlers.

Maddox: Vote up Babies!

(theme riff)


Dick: Uh, you wanna play your song?

Maddox: Yeah, I got a song. This is sent in by Therm0ptic. It's about our old pal Boisterous...

Dick: Ohh.

Maddox: ...who called in at the top of the show and not the middle. [plays "Boisterous Coconuts" song]

(fast drum machine + trancey synths + chopped-up voice clips of Maddox & Dick; sound like they're freestyling)

Maddox: "Coconuts...Coconu-Coconuts."

Dick: "Coconut! Co-Coconut!"

Maddox: "Coconuts...Coconu-Coconuts."

Dick: "Coconut! Co-Coconut!"

Maddox: So warm, the way you say that.

(same Maddox & Dick lines repeat a few more times)

Voicemail clip: "Whatever the fuck his name was? 'Boisterous Coconuts' or whatever the fuck his name was?"

Dick (from Ep. 22): Alright, did you catch that? (laughing) "Boisterous Coconuts."

(quirky synths)

Dick: It's a cool song!

Maddox: This is the EDM mix, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Voicemail clip: "Whatever the fuck his name was?"

Maddox: "Boisterous Coconuts."

Steve: Gettin' me ready for Burning Man.

Dick: Me too, man.

Steve: Yeah. Ready.

Voicemail clip: "Whatever the fuck his name was?"

Dick: "Boisterous Coconuts." (laughing)

Voicemail clip: "Whatever the fuck his name was?"

(more quirky synths)

Maddox: Get some break dancing in here.

Maddox: "Boisterous...Coconuts. Boisterous...Coconuts. Boister-Boister-Bois-Boisterous."

Dick: "Coconut!"

Maddox: "Boisterous...Coconuts. Boisterous...Coconuts." (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: "Coconuuuts." (imitating himself)

Maddox: "Boister-Boister-Bois-Boisterous."

Dick: "Coconut!"

(weird bass synth starts in)

Maddox: "Boisterous...Coconuts. Boisterous...Coconuts. Boister-Boister-Bois-Boisterous."

Dick: "Coconut!"

(same lines repeat) (drum & bass track starts in)

Male singer: Feelin' boisterous...

Maddox: This is a jungle bass mix.

Male singer: Feelin' boisterous.....feelin' boisterous.

[song fades out on synth echoes]

Dick: Oh, that's a good song!

Maddox: Yeah! Therm0ptic, uh, real catchy beat.

Dick: It's cool, man.

Maddox: Real catchy tune, yeah. It's my new ringtone.

Dick: Oh wait, I got s-...I got somethin' I forgot to play you. I think this will change your mind about toddlers.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: I, uh...I asked my nephew if he could talk, 'cause I told him that you were on...on the podcast talkin' shit.

Maddox: Oh! Good!

Dick: About toddlers being able to talk. This is what he said. [plays recording]

Dick's nephew (toddler voice): Maddox, you don't know how to talk.

Maddox: I didn't understand a single fuckin' word. (Dick cackles) Not a single word in that babble!!

Dick: Hm.

Sean: Did he say "Maddox, you don't know how to talk?"

Dick: Yeah, Maddox doesn't know how to talk.

Steve: That's exactly what he said.

Maddox: Oh, is that what he said?

Dick: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: Okay. Sorry guys, I don't speak MUSHMOUTH.

Dick: He followed it up with this. [plays second recording]

Dick's nephew: Maddox, you're the biggest problem in the universe.

Dick: You hear that one?

Maddox: Sounded like a compliment. (Dick guffaws) Was it?

Dick: Alright. (Steve laughs)

Maddox: I can't tell. I can't...again, it sounded just like one continuous tone.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah! I -

Dick: (interjects) Here, lemme...

Maddox: I don't speak toddler.

Dick: I'll play it again. You... [replays clip]

Dick's nephew: Maddox, you're the biggest problem in the universe.

Dick: Pretty clear! Clear as day. (chuckling)

Maddox: Just vowels and consonants and I heard the word "Max" in there. I didn't hear... (Dick laughs) I didn't hear distinct d's. (irritated)

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: I'm all about the d's, buddy. (Steve giggles)

Sean: Oh my GOD. (Dick laughs quietly) Here comes so much great material.

Maddox: (grins) I know. Yeah. (cracks up)