The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 50

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Casper! Get 50 dollars towards any mattress purchased by visiting and using promo code "BIGGEST".

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy??

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Derelicts!

Maddox: In studio is Randy, and all the way across the country joining us remotely via Skype is...Boisterous Coconuts! (clapping sound effect)

Dick: Yay!

Asterios: Hey, what's up?

Dick: Also known as Asterios Kokkinos. What's your current Twitter handle, Asterios? You always say, like, "America's Acquaintance" or something like that.

Asterios: I...that is me. I am America's Acquaintance. (Maddox and Dick laugh) Hey, you know what guys? Just real quick, let's get the energy up. We usually start these shows know, listen to some voicemails, find out who won, but why don't we start with my problem?

Dick: Start with your problem? Before we even -

Asterios: (interjects) UNEXPECTED GUESTS!!! (suddenly enters room) (Maddox and Dick gasp)

Maddox: OH MY GOD!! (screaming)

Dick: WHAT?!? WHAT??

Maddox: ASTERIOS, YOU MOTHERF-... (breaks down laughing)

Dick: WHAT? WHAT?? (background laughter) What the HELL?

Asterios: That's right!

Maddox: What the hell?!

Asterios: Unexpected guests!

Dick: Asterios...

Maddox: Asterios is in studio!! Oh my g-...

Dick: Asterios, I am for real gonna execute you... (everyone else laughs) about 10 minutes. First of all, first of all...first of all, sit at Sean's microphone.

Maddox: Oh, my GOSH.

Dick: Sit at Sean's microphone. Okay, lemme give...lemme give some background on this, what's happening right now. Because I -

Asterios: (interjects) Oh yeah, unexpected guests are the worst, aren't they? Yeah, what a terrible problem! I'm glad we're all on the same page!

Dick: Turn off your Skype, 'cause it's echoing. Turn off your Skype. And lemme...lemme explain what happened, because... (everyone else giggling) I am for real...I am for REAL going to kill you after this taping.

Maddox: Oh my gosh, Aste-...yeah!! Asterios! (yelling)

Dick: For the last 2 hours...for the last 2 hours, all of us have been trying to set up our piece of crap computers: Maddox's netbook, my MacBook, Sean with his Pro Tools coffin that he brings in every time? We've been trying to set this up for TWO GOD DAMN HOURS just to get a clear audio channel to have Asterios call in from across the country with Skype. (raises voice) We JUST finished. We JUST got it done, and this grinning fuckin' asshole bursts through the door like a retarded Santa Claus, carrying a bunch of equipment, saying, "Hey guys, all that time you just wasted? Shove it up your ass, because I'm a digital cyberdemon!!" (everyone laughs harder) "Fuck you!"

Asterios: Hey, it's not my fault that you guys have lives and I don't, okay? I can spend 2 hours in the car outside of Maddox's house. Actually, the only reason I burst in this early is that Maddox's crazy neighbor started yelling at me! (Dick and Maddox laugh) So I was like, "You know what? They're gonna hear, I better fuckin' pull the trigger on this!"

Dick: You motherfucker. And what dedication to sit through TWO HOURS...

Asterios: Yeah!

Dick: ...of FUCKING AROUND for this payoff.

Asterios: Yeah! It was really hot in that car! It was really hot in that goddamn rental car.

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: Oh my...GOD. Asterios, this is... (stammers) I am, like, A) pissed off, B) happy...but C) a little bit more pissed off than happy. (laughs with Asterios) Yeah, uh, everything -

Asterios: (interjects) Like most of the women I know. I have that effect on people.

Maddox: Oh my gosh. Un-fuckin'-believable.

Dick: I'm pissed off because I was inconvenienced, and I'm even MORE pissed off in a way that I like being 'cause I was had. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I don't register happiness. I only have "not rage" and "rage." So this is like, the rage has spilled over into a feeling that, like, consumes me and I love.

Maddox: Would you say that that's the feeling of busting a nut? A fan asked last time?

Dick: Yep!! That is the feeling! (Maddox laughs)

Asterios: Ohh, that's what it is!

Dick: This is the feeling of busting a nut.

Maddox: Ahhh.

Dick: That we were tryin' to explain to women in the previous episode.

Maddox: Well, since this is the weirdest fuckin' start to a show ever, happy 50th everyone!

Asterios: Happy 50th episooode!

Dick: Happy 50th. (laughing)

Maddox: Happy 50th, with unexpected guest Boisterous Coconuts in studio! Sean, were you in on this??

Sean: Oh, yeah! (from background)


Asterios: Of course he was! (laughing)

Maddox: SEAN!!

Dick: You were in on this?

Sean: I knew for a week!

Maddox: Oh, you piece of shit! (Asterios giggles)

Dick: You piece of shit.

Maddox: Oh my GOSH.

Dick: Both of you are pieces of shit.

Asterios: Yup! (smiling)

Maddox: Oh, the worst!

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: I wouldn't have flown...look, all I'm saying is I would not have flown in for the 52nd episode, okay? (Maddox laughs) But it's the 50th.

Maddox: (clapping sound effect) There you go. Now I'm back on your side, Asterios. ('ding!' sound effect) Ding.

Dick: Vote it down. Unexpected Guests.

Maddox: I LOVE it.

Dick: Is that your for real problem this time?

Asterios: Yes, it is! I can walk you guys through it.

Dick: Okay, wait. Let's...

Maddox: Well, hold on.

Asterios: Oh, you wanna wait? Alright!

Dick: Can we...? Yeah, let's do...

Maddox: Let's get to the comments and stuff, yeah.

Dick: Let's do the normal show first.

Asterios: Alright! Alright.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: You shifty fuck. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) Can't trust you now. Now we know that you' we know you're a good liar!

Asterios: I'm the best!

Dick: Ohhh, that's...alright, that's good to know about you!

Maddox: Uh-huh. Sneaky Greeky over here. (laughs with Asterios)

Dick: Oh, hey! Uh, by the way, that reminds me of our Armenian debate from last week.

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: Whether or not Armenians were Middle Eastern.

Maddox: Okay! Let's hear what Wikipedia fuckin' bullshit-ass article you brought in.

Dick: No, no, no. I don't trust Wikipedia. There's one website that I always get straight info from.

Maddox: WikiHow?

Dick: (everyone laughs) So I went to the forums at to see if, uh...the question was "Is Armenia considered European or Middle Eastern?" Uh, PowerbaII says, "They are Middle Eastern." CaptainSquatz... (Asterios snickers) ...says, "Middle Eastern IMO." That's bodybuilding talk for "in my opinion." (in unison with Maddox) Yeah. And then, uh, Evensanity says, "Such a small country, who cares?" So I... (Maddox and Asterios laugh) I think that debate is pretty much closed. (smiles)

Maddox: Great. A bunch of bros on (Dick laughs) Which, by the way, that same, uh...there's a thread on there from like 2 years ago where 2 guys, in earnest, were debating the number of days in a week! (Dick and Asterios laugh)

Asterios: Oh, that's right! I've seen that.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: What?! (giggling)

Asterios: Yeah, it's...

Dick: WHAT?

Maddox: It's one of my favorite things on the Internet. It goes on for like 5 pages, and people are saying, "Well no, the week starts on Sunday," and then this other guy's like, "Well no, it's Monday to Sunday." I'm like, "No, idiot, that's 6 days!" And then they go back and forth, like, counting out days like preschoolers on their hands!! (Dick cackles) For 5 pages!

Dick: For 5 pages??

Asterios: Yeah, well, 'cause they're trying to figure, when to alternate between legs and arms and shit, so someone's like, "Well, you do your legs every 3 days: Monday, Wednesday, Friday."

Dick: They don't have enough limbs to count the number of days!! (everyone laughs)

Asterios: Yes, exactly!

Dick: "Well, I got leg day, that's day #1; arm day, that's day #2; cardio, that's day #3. Three days in the week, that's it, then you start over!" (dumb voice) (laughs with Asterios)

Maddox: Okay, so according to those meatheads, I guess Armenia's Middle Eastern. But what do I know?? What the fuck do I know? I'm only Armenian.

Dick: Yeah, that's why you shouldn't be trusted, though. I mean, that's why your opinion on it is... (Maddox winds up) I'm not saying 'cause you're Armenian. I'm saying, like, that you're too close to it.

Maddox: Uh, nononono. I...look, let's not look at me as the person in this room not to be trusted, okay? (everyone else laughs) Mr. Unexpected Guest and Sativa Sean over here. Last episode, guys, Wage Gap Truthers was the #1 problem of the week. Wage Gap Truthers cleaned house. And that's a really good problem, I say! Uh, yeah! Thank you.

Dick: Yeah, it's a good problem.

Maddox: (clapping sound effect) Then followed by Reefer Madness. Everyone agreed, Dick, good job. And then barely NOT a problem was Getting Too High.

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Which I disagree with.

Dick: Why?

Asterios: Because if you are way too high, you are way too annoying.

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: If you get too drunk, you fucking pass out and you don't bother anybody anymore.

Dick: And you're funny!

Asterios: Yeah, exactly.

Dick: People fuck with you.

Asterios: Yeah!

Dick: They draw dicks on your face, they put their dicks on your face, they put your dick on THEIR face. It's hilarious.

Asterios: If you draw a dick on the face of a guy who's way too high, he's gonna think it's funny, and then where's your satisfaction?

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: Yeah, exactly. A drunk guy, that guy's gonna get pissed off, he's gonna wanna start a fight, he's gonna take a know, fall over in a pool of his own puke. THAT'S the guy.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: I love that guy!

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: You know, Asterios, you drew a dick on the face of this show today. (everyone laughs)

Dick: You really did.

Maddox: You got us so good!

Dick: You FUCK.

Maddox: Oh my gosh.

Dick: You motherfucker.

Maddox: I got a comment from Paul Medlicott. I think this was on YouTube, I'm not sure. He says, "Hey Maddox! Do you save 23 percent on shampoo?" Uh... (cracks up) Because I'm bald. Yes I do, asshole.

Dick: So shouldn't you save 100 percent?

Maddox: No, I still wash my head, dickhead! And I still have -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause of your eyebrows? You wash your thick Armenian eyebrows? (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Yeah! I don't want my eyebrows stinkin' up the place. (laughs) Then I got a comment from Leonel Gallo. He says, "Fastest Dick vs Dick ever. Hey - "

Dick: (interjects) Oh, fuck OFF!

Maddox: "...let me..." (cracks up) "...let me go on more than 50 episodes with a strong..." Or 49 if we're not counting the one Sean deleted. Um...

Sean: Oh, come on!! (from background) (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: "...let me go on more than 50 episodes with a strong stand against taxes and then open my weed decriminalization argument with 'we could be losing 10 billion dollars in taxes.'"

Dick: I said INCOME TAX. Why does ev-...everyone jumped on me for saying there should be no taxes. All I said was the fuckin' income tax! There's thousands of different types of taxes! Okay?? (Maddox chuckles) Fuck off!

Maddox: Thousands of...yeah.

Dick: I bet there is thousands of different types of taxes! I mean, there's tariffs on everything!

Maddox: There are -

Dick: (interjects) There's a tobacco tax...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...there's a big balls tax. You...oh, you guys wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Maddox: Oh. Good one. Real funny.

Asterios: Hmm, one day.

Maddox: ('boo' sound effect)

Asterios: One day I'll pay the big balls tax. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Well, the... (stammers) I mean, to be fair to this argument though, isn't the income tax, like, way fairer than just taxing every time you buy a cigarette? 'Cause if a rich guy buys a cigarette or a poor guy buys a cigarette, they'll be taxed the same amount!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Here's my entire problem with it. All the other taxes, like if, let's say a VAT.

Asterios: Alright.

Dick: Because a VAT, a value-added tax, is a perfectly viable alternative to an income tax.

Asterios: Alright, let's talk about -

Dick: (interjects) That is a voluntary tax. When you go to buy something, you can make the decision or not if you're gonna buy something. And it's not on food, so poor're not punishing people for LIVING, 'cause it's not on food. A's only if you take a product, improve upon it, and then you're taxed upon the improved value of the product. If you're getting taxed on your income, you can't not pay that! It's a mandatory tax. Like the government is God, saying, "Hey, do you wanna work today? You gotta give us some of that time, buddy." (Asterios laughs) You can't say, "You know what? I'm just gonna work and I'm gonna live in a cabin out in the woods and I'm gonna mind my own fuckin' business." The income tax doesn't let you do that. They own your life!

Asterios: But don't...don't most of our listeners pay so little in income taxes that they have no idea what you're talking about?

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: And if you taxed their cigarettes or alcohol, they'd get super pissed off. 'Cause a value-added tax is on cool things we want!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Like in England, I believe there's a VAT on lipstick. Don't you want ladies to look super hot? Do you really want them to have to go into their own pocket for that? No! Come on, man!

Maddox: Ahh.

Dick: Asterios?

Asterios: Mhm?

Dick: Whose fuckin' listeners?

Maddox: Ohhh. (laughs with Dick)

Asterios: YOUR listeners! What did I say? What did I say?? (giggling)

Dick: You motherfucker, you said "our listeners."

Asterios: God dammit, I'm sorry!

Dick: You are a shifty Greek! (yelling)


Dick: You are a shifty Greek!! (Maddox laughs)

Asterios: Jesus Christ!

Maddox: Oh, Dick, another surprise: I'm kicking you off the show. Asterios, welcome to the new... (laughs)

Asterios: Yaaay, thank you!

Dick: NOOO!! NO, NOOO!

Asterios: Thank you guys.

Dick: NO!!

Maddox: Happy 50th, fuckhead! (Dick laughs)

Asterios: Happy 50th, guys. (smiling)

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. No, you make a good point. Vote for Rand Paul, I guess. Um... (everyone except Dick laughs)


Maddox: I got a comment from Sean Michaelson. He said, "Has anyone that has ever promoted the 77 percent pay argument ever cited a specific company that does this, excluding positions where you have to negotiate your own salary?" Yeah, that's a good point, Sean. I was gonna mention this in the video, I didn't have enough time, but where are all these companies paying women 77 percent to the dollar? Can we just boycott them?? Can we just shut them down and say, "Hey fuckheads, you got..." If this was really happening across the board, wouldn't there be one or two companies in the news for doing this? Wouldn't someone find out eventually? Wouldn't one of the many women who work in payroll departments look at the salaries of people and put it together and say, "Hey guys, let's shut down this fuckin' country!"? Because -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, they would have to because it's every single fucking company. Every CEO makes like 100 times...every male CEO makes like 100 times female CEOs.

Asterios: Well yeah, that -

Dick: (interjects) Start there.

Maddox: No, nononono.

Asterios: Well, see, that's kinda the interesting thing. Like...

Dick: Wait, what do you mean, "nononono"?

Asterios: ...the California state government, for example. You can look up what any California state employee makes.

Maddox: Right.

Asterios: You know? And because of that, because it's an open and transparent system, there is a lot less of a wage disparity.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Like, what us not knowing what each other makes allows for is for shifty Greek guys like me to make WAY more than my coworkers and kinda, like, not be called on it and have it be awesome. (Maddox chuckles)

Dick: Good!

Asterios: And like...yeah! So you know, it's like when there's transparency, everybody benefits; when things are shrouded, *I* benefit.

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: Yeah! And so do you probably, uh...what is it one more time?

Maddox: "Dickhole."

Dick: Dick! DICK!

Asterios: Ah, I'm sorry! (cracking up)

Dick: It's real easy to remember. (Maddox and Asterios laugh)

Maddox: It doesn't matter. It's all, it''s outta the bag.

Asterios: Alright.

Dick: (screams) OF COURSE I FUCKIN' BENEFIT FROM THAT! That's why I like it!! (Asterios laughs) The closer the system gets...the closer the system is leveled towards people who are willing to fuck each other over, the better I do! I'm a 35-year-old psychopath and an engineer! (Asterios laughs harder) The closer we get to total chaos, the more power I have!! Yeah! It definitely behooves me.

Asterios: One of the things of the original problems, or I think it was your solution that you brought in was "Everybody Ask For a Raise."

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Which is something that I've always agreed with...

Dick: Of course!!

Asterios: ...because the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. Like, there are so many studies about, you know...for example, women in the educational field who don't try to negotiate up their first salary.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: And as a result, they're behind the eight ball forever. Because like, know, whatever your original negotiated salary is, after that your raises -- your annual raises or your bi-annual raises -- they're always gonna be like 7 percent.

Dick: Cost of living.

Asterios: No one's ever gonna be like, "Here's a 30 percent raise!"

Dick: Of course not.

Asterios: You know? So it's like, eh, you know, gotta ask for a raise. That's what's up.

Dick: What were you gonna say?

Maddox: Well, you guys make a good point. Uh, I guess I'm gonna vote for Rand Paul. (laughs with Asterios)

Dick: Oh, you're such a FUCKIN' idiot!

Maddox: Listen -

Dick: (interjects) Hey! Oh, here I got...oh, what? Go ahead, go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah. I just more thing, Dick, before we move on. You kinda glossed over this; you said male CEOs make more. How many CEOs are there in a company?

Dick: One.

Maddox: One!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So no two CEOs are alike, are they?

Dick: Oh, oh, oh, yeah. Sure.

Maddox: Because by definition they're working over different companies with different incomes and different values. Like, that's a real shit comparison. You can't compare CEO salaries.

Dick: You know...oh, go ahead.

Maddox: You compare like jobs to like jobs. So if you have a female supervisor on the sales floor versus a male supervisor on the sales floor...hey, if you're a woman and you're in payroll, why don't you check those salaries, compare their education levels and their experience levels and the number of hours they work, and guess what? If the guy's makin' more, fuckin' report it because you're in the power to do so! It doesn't fucking happen because it's not TRUE. They just...when you normalize for all those variables that I mentioned in the video, it's just fuckin' not true.

Asterios: Well, people don't leak an entire company's payroll data, 'cause it's super illegal! Like, that person would go to jail forever for exposing everybody's private data.

Maddox: Oh, come on!

(all talking over each other)

Dick: (interjects) Unless it was an accident! (Asterios laughs)

Asterios: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, we're back in...back in my world now!! (grinning)

Asterios: Oops, your fat finger!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Your fat finger! Here's an interesting thing about know, you could say it's apples to oranges, but women generally, uh...okay, for example, India had a huge problem with graft and corruption, so their solution to it was to put more women in charge because women traditionally don't rip people off like men do. Like, that -

Dick: (interjects) What?!?

Asterios: Yes! That is exactly... (Dick scoffs and laughs) That is exactly the case. Like, the reason a female -

Dick: (interjects) How many dinners have I bought? (Maddox and Asterios laugh)

Asterios: The reason a female CEO probably makes a lot less than a male CEO -- and look, if you wanna say this is gender stereotyping, so be it -- is that, uh...women have this kind of sense of shame that men, like, we just don't have. Like, I want as much money -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, get outta here, Asterios!!

Asterios: I want as much money as I can squeeze out of my boss and I don't care.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Like, I want as much as I can get. You know, I don't know if that's the same for the...for the fairer sex.

Dick: Oh, you're lucky you're married. Wait, are you publicly married?

Asterios: Yeah, I'm married!

Dick: Are you a big enough celebrity to not admit that you're married, or am I...?

Asterios: I'm married!

Dick: Okay.

Asterios: Oh right, yes, 'cause all my...all the fangirls are after me.

Dick: Yeah. (grinning)

Asterios: Exactly, yeah.

Dick: You're lucky you're married if you think that women are not as cunning and duplicitous and greedy as men. (Asterios laughs) You are FUCKIN' lucky, my friend.

Maddox: Dick, you got some voicemail?

Dick: You know what? Yeah I do, but you know what you didn't cover on that wage gap thing? I think I figured out what that final 7 percent is.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Bein' on the rag. (Asterios snickers) (background laughter)

Maddox: Okay. (irritated) Here we go!

Asterios: God dammit. (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Again, I try to make a really well thought-out, cogent argument, I bring in statistics and then Dick just, "Oh, maybe they just have a period every month." (stupid voice)

Dick: Yeah! Yeah.

Maddox: GREAT. Good one.

Dick: I got a...I do have a comment from Ed Dy. He says, "I found Maddox's Tinder bio." (Maddox guffaws) You see this one?

Maddox: No, let's hear it.

Dick: Here it is: "I'm a trend-setting egalitarian that enjoys Cara Cara oranges..."

Maddox: Oh, I do.

Dick: "...but who also..." You do? (chuckling)

Maddox: I love Cara Cara oranges.

Dick: I don't even know what that is. What is it?

Maddox: They're oranges that have been somehow, like, cross-pollinated or cross-bred with strawberries.

Dick: Oh, fuck off.

Maddox: Okay. (Dick laughs) Yeah, they're delicious oranges!

Asterios: That sounds really good. I don't know why you told him to fuck off. (cracking up)

Maddox: Yeah! They're only in season 2 or 3 times a year.

Asterios: Sounds delicious!

Maddox: Thank you.

Dick: And he's so happy about it.

Asterios: Do you have any of those in the house right now and can I have one?

Maddox: I ate them all, but I think they're in season again so we'll check the grocery store right after this.

Dick: (comment continues) "...but who also hates hipsters. I despise sapiosexuals but I'm looking for someone who can challenge me mentally, which means you're going to have to be pretty smart." Is that your Tinder bio?

Maddox: No! It's not my actual Tinder bio, dickhead.

Dick: I don't know, this guy says he found it!

Maddox: Yeah. Great. (chuckling)

Asterios: That does sound like you.

Maddox: Why would...? (everyone else laughs) There's no... (cracks up)

Asterios: That's all I'm saying. You knew about those oranges.

Maddox: Yeah, he just...he's just an ardent fan. You can't blame him. Uh, I got another comment -

Asterios: (interjects) I wonder if he's getting laid a shitload on that bi-...what if he's getting laid more than you on Tinder because of that bio?

Maddox: Because of the one that he just made up?

Dick: The fake bio, you mean?

Maddox: The fake bio?

Asterios: Yes.

Maddox: Uh, that would make me really mad! (Asterios laughs) Because people sometimes imitate me, and then maybe do a better job? I don't know. It fuckin' pisses me off if they figure...if they figured out how to be a better me on Tinder and they get laid more? Oh MAN, I'm g-...I'm gonna jerk off out of anger! (Asterios laughs)

Dick: That sounds like a fun contest.

Maddox: Yeah. (sexy tone)

Dick: Who can get...

Maddox: Angry?

Dick: ...laid the most as Maddox on Tinder.

Maddox: I get...I thought... (laughs)

Dick: Everybody's showing up to dates with an eye patch and your book. (smiles) Which you probably do, I don't know that you don't.

Maddox: You know what? We should do that! We should create Tinder accounts for everyone in the room, and they should all be pictures of me...

Asterios: Right.

Maddox: ...and we can test it out. Yeah, I'll write different bios and stuff.

Dick: Okay. I got some more voicemails if you wanna hear 'em.

Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays first voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Hey, this message is for, uh, Maddox. If I sound weird right now, I'm in the bathroom 'cause my fuckin' girlfriend... (sighs) ...won't let me get any time away, so I'm tryin' to find stuff that's, uh... (Dick and Maddox giggle) ...peaceful in life, so.

Asterios: Oh, god. (under his breath)

Voicemail: Anyway...

Dick: He's hidin' in the bathroom.

Voicemail: ...uh, I just wanted to say that in one of the episodes you'd said -- this is previous -- you said that, uh, dogs couldn't be considered a member of your family because they didn't contribute.

Maddox: Yeah!

Voicemail: You, uh, listed reasons such as they couldn't drive you to the hospital...

Maddox: Right.

Voicemail: ...and they couldn't massage you.

Maddox: True! (Dick scoffs)

Voicemail: Well, what about a paraplegic or a handicapped member?

Maddox: Okay...

Dick: Yeah! What about that? (laughing)

Voicemail: So just because they can't contribute means they're not a member of your family, you FUCKING asshole? (everyone laughs) Alright, see ya.

[message ends]

Maddox: Nice logical (inaudible under Asterios laughing) to my argument.

Dick: Now he's back to just hiding in the bathroom, by the way. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. While you're hiding in the bathroom, dickhead, did you ever stop to consider the possibility that maybe dogs aren't members of your family 'cause when they die you just buy a new one and you don't buy paraplegics or quadriplegics, dickfuck? You don't just go out and buy people who are handicapped!

Asterios: Well, wait, you wouldn't...

Dick: You don't buy a -

Asterios: (interjects) You wouldn't wanna buy a paraplegic or quadriplegic. You'd wanna buy, like, someone with working arms and legs.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay Asterios, don't discriminate against... (stammers) I would buy -

Asterios: (interjects) All I'm saying is if I had my choice I would pick the one with know, the one with the working arms and legs.

Maddox: Well, of course! You're gonna choose among all of them.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: You're gonna choose one who's gonna give you a massage and drive you to the hospital.

Asterios: Yes.

Maddox: BUT, with a dog? No! They can't drive you to the hospital! I've never seen a dog drive anyone to the hospital. Have you?

Dick: You don't replace dogs when you buy a new one.

Maddox: Yeah you do!!

Dick: They have a new personality.

Maddox: Ohh! (disdainful)

Dick: It's a NEW pet. It is a new member of the family.

Maddox: It's not a member of your family!

Dick: Yes, it is!

Maddox: 'Cause when it dies, you put it in a shoebox and throw it away!! You put it in a dumpster! You don't -

Dick: (interjects) That's exactly the same thing that you do with people.

Maddox: No!

Dick: It's just a more expensive shoebox. (everyone else except Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No, it's not!

Dick: Yes, it is! Yes, it is. They both go in the fuckin' incinerator, 'cause they're both a corpse.

Maddox: No, they don't...dogs you just throw out. You put it literally in the kitchen garbage bag...

Dick: Okay. (laughing)

Maddox: ...and you toss it in the -

Dick: (interjects) You absolutely do NOT do that, uh, Robert Furst. Er, Durst.

Maddox: Durst. (amused) (Asterios laughs)

Asterios: You can do way cooler things with dog corpses than human corpses. Like, you know, taxidermy! You can have your dead dog, like, positioned all cool...

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: ...your dead parakeet, exactly. You can't do that with a human, you'd be called a monster!

Maddox: You CAN! Have you ever seen that, uh, Chinese museum that goes around?

Asterios: Oh, right!

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Asterios: All those Chinese slaves whose bodies they stole and turned into that museum! (Maddox laughs) Yeah, great example, Maddox. (cracking up)

Dick: You're talkin' about the plastic people, right?

Asterios: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: No, they were real!

Dick: They were plasticine people.

Asterios: The "Bodies in Motion," whatever it was.

Maddox: No, they were real! Yeah, the "Body..."? Those were real, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I know they're real! That's what you're talkin' about.

Maddox: Yeah, that's pretty cool!

Asterios: Yeah, but it turns out that turned out that all those bodies were, like, stolen corpses of Chinese slaves.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, they were?

Asterios: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh.

Asterios: But look, I'll still go. Whatever, I went to SeaWorld the other day.

Maddox: They were prisoners! That's what it was.

Asterios: Yeah.

Maddox: They were prisoners, convicted prisoners. Hey, put 'em to some good use. Why not?

Asterios: Have 'em play basketball!

Dick: Yeah, what do they want their bodies for?

Maddox: You don't buy people!

Dick: Alright, I got a special segment for the 50th episode.

Maddox: Oh, GREAT.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, because everyone every episode throws this at me, and I never bring it in because I think to do's a Maddox versus Maddox.

Maddox: Ohhhoho!

Asterios: Oh, finally!

Maddox: Well, well, well.

Dick: I think...I don't think it's funny to throw my friends' words back at them. (Maddox groans) I'm not that kinda guy.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: You know? I like shooting straight. Right?

Maddox: Yeah. (muttering)

Dick: I'm a uniter, not a divider.

Maddox: Oho, sure.

Dick: But every-

Sean: (interjects) Except today! (from background)

Dick: Everybody... (cracks up) Everybody throws it at me constantly, and I finally got one worth bringing in. Not because of the content, but because of the theme song. [plays intro song]

(upbeat 8-bit theme music)

Male singer (pitched down): Consistency is difficult and so are math degrees

He makes love to his principles with randomosity

Everyone's seen Dick at work fighting man-to-man

But self-defeat can be such a treat

No excuses for the one who can take the heat

Do some research on yourself before you speak to me

It's Maddox versus Maddox!

[intro song ends]

(Maddox and Asterios laugh)

Dick: It's pretty good, right? Wauterboi!

Asterios: That was great!

Dick: Yeah, Wauterboi made that.

Maddox: What an asshole.

Dick: Okay, here''s his part. I'm not gonna read any of them.

Maddox: Great!

Dick: I'm just gonna know what? Only Wauterboi's allowed to do this.

Maddox: Alright!

Dick: So anything he sends in I'll play.

Maddox: What does he got? [Dick plays Maddox versus Maddox segment]

(more upbeat music in background)

[clip from Episode 38 plays]

Maddox: Oh, I'm so tired of these fucking crybaby pieces of shit! They just wanna make...they wanna make money by fining him, they wanna make money by selling it. They're a bunch of fuckin' hypocrite douchebags, and YOU'RE a hypocrite douchebag for supporting this SHIT industry.


Maddox: No! YOU brought in -

Dick: (interjects) That you shit all over!!

Maddox: You brought it in... (stammers) Do you honestly think the NFL's a problem, Dick? Are you gonna boycott the Super Bowl?

Dick: The No Fun League is a problem! (Maddox scoffs and laughs) I think they can fix it.

Maddox: DICK...

Dick: I don't wanna throw the baby out with the bath water!

[clip ends]

Wauterboi: Hey Maddox, I'm glad you were able to call out Dick on his hypocrisy for enjoying the NFL despite its corruption and money-hungry mentality.

Maddox: Okay, here we go...PlayStation! I know what you're gonna say! (Dick cackles)

Wauterboi: I'm glad that someone was able to set the example of perfection by boycotting corporations you disagree with, like for instance when it comes to Sony.

Maddox: Yep! (Sean laughs)

[clip from Episode 32 plays]

Maddox: Dick, I would love nothing more than -

Maddox: I knew it! (Dick laughs)

Maddox: - for Sony to just go the fuck away, and start being a normal company.

[clip ends; different clip from Episode 32 plays]

Dick: Do you have a PS4?

Maddox: Do I have a PS4?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, but I'll probably get one. (both laugh)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: It's the lesser of two evils right now and I love video games more than I hate Sony, so I have no choice.

[clip ends]

Wauterboi: Dick could learn from a man who is as consistent -

Maddox: Ahh.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Wauterboi: - with his philosophies as you. One should refrain from supporting the sports' greed and red tape by supporting the video game industry's greed and red tape.

Maddox: Mm.

Dick: Yeah.

Wauterboi: Especially with money. When you give a corporation money, (Maddox groans loudly) logically they will go away. Oh wait, except that doesn't make sense and you're the hypocrite!

[segment ends]

Maddox: Ohh! Ohoho, no! (sarcastic)

Dick: YOU'RE the hypocrite. (smiles)

Maddox: Shit! Ohh.

Dick: You're the hypocrite, Star-Lord.

Maddox: Wow!

Dick: What do you think about that?

Maddox: Wow, good argument. (buzzer sound effect) Except for the part that it's NOT. I literally explained myself in that clip that he played! Look...uh, Asterios, have you ever had a job you didn't like?

Asterios: Yes, every job I have.

Maddox: Every job you have, you didn't like.

Asterios: Yes. (laughing)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sean, have you? Have you ever had a job you didn't like?

Dick: You gotta get on the mic...yeah, okay.

Maddox: Of course! He's sayin'...everyone's saying "yes." And did you go to those jobs regardless, despite the fact that you hated that job?

Asterios: Well yeah, but I need money to pay my rent and to buy food and live. I don't need a PlayStation 4. (cracking up)

Maddox: Right, right, right. It's not about necessity -

Dick: (interjects) I've had a blowjob I didn't like. (Asterios laughs)

Asterios: What?! (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Okay, Dick. It's not about necessity, alright? This is about making a choice. You need like to eat more than starving, don't you? But -

Asterios: (interjects) I...I do like to eat more than starving.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So video games are food for you?

Maddox: No, they're not...they're not a necessity. I'm saying that my amount of love for video games is greater than my hatred for Sony. Therefore, I can live with the fact that I own a Sony PlayStation even though I hate the company. You understand?

Dick: That's what makes you a hypocrite, though.

Maddox: It's not hypocrisy! It's the lesser of two evils! Look, I hate Microsoft Windows -

Asterios: (interjects) But you don't have to choose either evil!

Dick: Yeah, you don't... (laughs)

Asterios: The point of the lesser of's like... (laughs) The point of the lesser of two evils is that you're STUCK with one of them.

Maddox: I'm not saying I have to; I WANT to. I hate Windows -

Dick: (interjects) That's what makes you a hypocrite. (everyone except Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No! No, it's not! It's not. Like, I... (stammers)

Dick: It absolutely is.

Maddox: I'm tired of YOUR horseshit and I'm sittin' in a room with you!

Dick: How is it any different than the NFL? How is Sony different than the NFL? If I'm a douchebag for supporting the NFL, how are you not a douchebag for supporting Sony?

Maddox: Well, the NFL...first of all Dick, it's, uh... (Dick laughs) If you like -

Dick: (interjects) Here we go!!

Maddox: If you like the NFL -

Dick: (interjects) Arms up! (laughs more)

Maddox: Hold on! Hold on, I don't even remember what you said that episode. I don't think you were saying you didn't like the NFL. You said you liked the NFL; you hated the No Fun League.

Dick: Well...

Maddox: You hate certain aspects of the NFL.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Absolutely.

Maddox: So for example, I...a lot of times people say...because I shit on Apple so much, they say, "Oh, well, Microsoft isn't better. What's, uh, what's the deal with Microsoft?" (dumb voice) Of course Microsoft isn't better! I hate Microsoft too, but just because I hate Microsoft doesn't mean...just because I hate Apple doesn't mean I love Microsoft. Just because I shit on Bush, George W. Bush, doesn't mean I'm a flaming liberal who's gonna vote for a democratic president. Just because you shit on -

Dick: (interjects) You're definitely flaming, though.

Maddox: Okay. (everyone else laughs) Good... (cracks up) (sound clip of Angelo's Mom saying, "And who are you, GAY??") Uh, just be-

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but that is the lesser of two evils, IS Windows and Apple. You have to pick one.

Maddox: No, you don't! You can pick Linux or you can not compute, but I'm not going to choose to not compute.

Dick: THAT does not compute. (everyone else except Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Great. (sullen) Great. Um, guys, I don't know how to more clearly explain it. I don't like to drive, but I do sometimes. I minimize the amount of driving that I have to do. I choose the thing that minimizes my agony and maximizes my fun, and right now that's the Sony PlayStation 4.

Dick: Alright! Well, I don't know, Wauterboi says it. I didn't bring it in.

Maddox: Yeah. I saw that comin' a mile away.

Dick: Should we get to some problems? We're already gettin' long.

Maddox: Well, hold on. One more, I got one more...a couple quick comments. I have one from Joey Mezzacappa. He says...he quotes you. He says, "Dick: 'How big are her cans?' Maddox: 'I'd say roughly as big as a two-pound bag of sand.'" (everyone laughs) And then I got some fan art from Canon Manley. He says, "Since photo comments are not enabled on the site..." Although Dick, we are now announcing a new feature for the website: fan art! You can upload your own fan art on the website. This should be available by the time you listen to this episode.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause we're gettin' a lot of fan art. I'm not even able to keep up with it. But he says, "Since photo comments are not enabled on the site, thought maybe you could pass this message along to Dick for me: Dick, you magnificent bastard, you know what makes a person look more of an asshole than being too high or passing out on beanbag chairs? Sporting those flowing locks of yours while drunkenly tossing oranges at bearded bros re Episode 29." And here's the picture he sent in.

Dick: Lemme see that.

Maddox: Look at this, uh, look at this picture. (amused) It's a picture of Dick -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, that looks badass! (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: It's kinda funny, yeah. (Asterios laughs)

Dick: I got my Wild Turkey there...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: First of all, I'm more muscular than this. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Oh, no, that's false.

Dick: But I like the attempt. I like that my hair is flowing beautifully in a pose of action. I've got a bottle of Wild Turkey, uh, more full than I've ever seen a bottle of Wild Turkey in MY possession.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I got a cool dog right there. My buddy!

Maddox: Well, we got to Uninvited Guests with Asterios' problem. (Asterios chuckles) Do we, uh, do we need to cover anything more? Do you have any stats for us, Asterios?

Asterios: About my problem? Yeah! Let me get into it.

Maddox: Greek...Greek Sneak. (smiling)

Dick: Sneaky Greek.

Maddox: Sneaky Greek! (laughs with Asterios)

Dick: Sneaky Greek.

Asterios: Alright. Well, let me just say, my problem is Unexpected Guests. Unexpected guests are the worst. I made... (cracks up) I made Dick super angry when I walked in here.

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: Because unexpected guests are the worst! Now, think about it: you guys have your whole weekend planned out. You got a long list of casual female acquaintances to drunk text... (Maddox and Dick laugh)'re finally gonna write that screenplay nobody asked for, Dick's gonna do his bi-annual sheet change... (more laughing)

Dick: Why did I get that reputation? Some broad emailed me and said she would blow me on my chili-stained sheets.

Maddox: Gross.

Dick: Yeah! That's what I said! I didn't even...well, I responded a couple times, but... (everyone laughs)

Asterios: So how did it go?

Dick: Uh, I didn't respond that much.

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)

Asterios: Well, all I'm saying is you got your whole weekend planned out, and then some asshole just drops by. Perhaps an asshole who FLEW ACROSS THE COUNTRY just to see YOU, and now your weekend has to be about entertaining this hypothetical half-Greek, half-Chinese guy! (Maddox laughing) Okay? Where are you gonna eat? Where are you gonna eat tonight? Well, he made the trip, so you gotta eat where HE wants to eat tonight: Buca di Beppo's! (everyone laughs)

Maddox: I fuckin' hate Buca di Beppo's!

Asterios: Yeah, I know you do! That's why we're going there!! (Maddox laughs harder)

Maddox: AHHH, no!!

Asterios: It's family style! You know? What are you gonna do for fun tonight? Well, he flew across the country to see you! (Maddox groans) So you're gonna do what HE wants to do...Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. (everyone laughs more)

Maddox: Oh, you son of a bitch! (growling)

Asterios: On the Cinerama Dome or in IMAX! I'll accept nothing less!!

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: I WANT PAUL BLART TO BE AS BIG AS MY LOVE FOR PAUL BLART IS! (Dick and Maddox still giggling) Where's he gonna sleep? Well, he made the trip across the country! (suddenly sheepish) Uh, Maddox, can I crash here?

Maddox: Yeah, you can crash here. (laughing)

Asterios: (yells) So he's gonna crash on some chump's couch, isn't he?? Some total rube, he's gonna crash with that guy!

Maddox: Ohh. Oh my GOSH.

Asterios: Yeah! Yeah, and he's gonna use your shower!

Maddox: Ughhh!

Asterios: Oh wait...wait, hold on. There's a typo in my script. (yells) He's gonna pee in your shower!! (Dick and Maddox giggle more) He's gonna leave a smell on your couch that you're gonna puzzle over for months! Spoiler alert: it's barbecue-flavored Pop Chips! He does a lot of late-night stress eating. He's gonna use your razor from using the promo code "biggestproblem" to get 5 dollars off at checkout. (more laughing) They liked the blade so much they bought the factory!

Maddox: We!! WE bought the factory!

Asterios: We bought the factory! (cracking up) Okay, so has this hypothetical bunch of particularly excitable coconuts booked his return flight yet? No! No, he has not. (everyone laughs more) Because when it comes to inconveniencing you, the surprise guest keeps it casual! Okay? Unexpected guests...also they usually don't rent cars, but don't worry, they're gonna take the bus. (switches to loud whisper) He's not gonna take the bus! He's just saying that. You're gonna be his unpaid Uber driver-slash-bitch!

Maddox: Ohh, I gotta drive you around now too!

Asterios: Well, I could also ride on your handlebars.

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: Ohhhohohoho. (background laughter) Yeah, you play your cards right! In your dreams, buddy. Ride like a samurai through traffic. You'll see!! You'll see, I'll ride like a samurai!

Asterios: And when you finally ask him to maybe consider heading home, it'll be completely drama free. (Dick and Maddox laugh) I mean, he only used...ALL his airline miles to get here. Maybe he was gonna use them to take his grandma on a trip to Vermont, but I...

Dick: Aww.

Maddox: Oh my gosh!

Asterios: You know, he thought you guys were friends. I...I guess that was his mistake. (pretends to almost cry) (Maddox laughs) No, no, it's cool! No, it's cool, he gets the hint. I mean, story of his life. Who would...who would want a guy like me around anyway? (brief pause) I GOTTA GO!! Oh, god!

Maddox: No!! No, Asterios, come on back! Asterios! (sounds of Asterios wailing in background and a door shutting) Uh, well...okay.

Dick: You know, I'll tell you where he SHOULD sleep.

Maddox: Where?

Dick: On a bed made by Casper! (everyone else laughs) This episode is brought to you by Make sure to, uh -

Asterios: (interjects) ...and scene!! (from background) (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Dick: Go to and use promo code "BIGGEST" to get 50 dollars towards any mattress purchased. Hey, how is your Casper mattress by the way?

Maddox: It is, no joke, the most comfortable mattress I've ever slept on.

Dick: Is it really?

Maddox: Yeah! Asterios, you will never know the pleasure. I will not let you sleep on my Casper mattress.

Asterios: (back at mic) What if I fall asleep in it super drunk and you can't move me? (background laughter)

Dick: There you go!

Asterios: Dick, do you have any whiskey on you?

Dick: (chuckles) Always.

Maddox: Always. It's just in his PORES. Just squeeze out his shirt. (Asterios laughs)

Dick: Just suck on my face.

Maddox: Dredge out his... (laughs)

Dick: Mattresses can cost well over 1500 bucks, but Casper mattresses cost between 500 for a twin-size mattress, 750 for full-size, 850 for queen-size, and 950 for king-size mattresses. Uh, the price alone is worth watching it come out of the box, I think.

Maddox: Yeah! (laughs) You know...

Dick: Let's talk more about that.

Maddox: ...we got shit on so hard for bein' so impressed by how they shipped this thing. Yeah, it feels comfortable, guys. I've been sleepin' on it for a couple months now. It's the best mattress I've ever slept on, and I know I'm supposed to say that and I sound like a shill, but... (sound of cell phone vibrating) Oh, what is, uh...??

Dick: Calm down, calm down.

Maddox: Ohh! Well, well, well. Not silencing your cell phone, that's my problem! (background laughter)

Dick: So you like the mattress?

Maddox: What? Yeah, the... (everyone laughs) ...the mattress is great. (grinning)

Dick: You know Buckley...remember Nathan Buckley, who we had on here?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think he bought one because of this show.

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: Like, he saw it...he saw the, uh, the ads around and he heard 'em around, 'cause they're around everywhere.

Asterios: How much money do you save with that promo code?

Dick: You get 50 bucks off your mattress.

Asterios: Oh, you save 50 dol-...? That's great!

Maddox: 50 bucks, that's pretty good.

Asterios: Yeah, that's pretty good!

Dick: Risk-free trial and return policy: try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns. They're made in America, so there you go.

Maddox: Yeah. The returns are pain-free and so is your night of sleep, you guys. (Dick scoffs and laughs) You know what? Uh, my... (cracks up) I seriously -

Dick: (interjects) Thanks, Don Draper! (everyone laughs)

Maddox: I...hey, that was sarcastic. Listen, when I sleep in this thing...for real, it's like coma sleep.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: I get knocked out so hard. I wake up, I've missed text messages, phone calls from family -- which ALWAYS terrible late at night.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You will ignore phone calls from your family.

Dick: That was a phone call from my dad, by the way.

Maddox: Oh, I know! I saw it, Dick. I saw it rumbling. (Asterios laughs) "Tremors" over here. Dick, you got a problem for us?

Dick: Well, uh, why don't -

Maddox: (interjects) Is that it? Is that all you got, uh...?

Asterios: That's my problem, Unexpected Guests!

Dick: Oh yeah, it's a big problem.

Maddox: Well, it's a huge problem.

Asterios: Yeah, I know!

Maddox: That we're dealing with. (smiles)

Asterios: Yeah. We're gonna have a great weekend, guys! (mischievously) (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Including the 2 hours we pissed away setting up this imaginary Skype phone call!! Motherfucking... (Asterios laughs tauntingly) Oh my GOSH.

Asterios: That's what you guys get for having lives. That's all I have to say.

Dick: You wasted more time collectively setting up the joke than you did flying across the country to be here!! (everyone laughs more)

Maddox: Asterios, I hat's off to you. That is one of the most spiteful things I've ever seen anyone do in my LIFE!

Dick: It's great.

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) By far!

Dick: It's great.

Maddox: That is, like, that is...that is next-level spiteful. That's like level-9,000 spite. That's incredible.

Asterios: I'm pretty proud of myself, thank you. (chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah. Holy SHIT.

Dick: Do you wanna go? We're already at...we're already more than halfway through. I don't wanna eat into your problem.

Maddox: You want me to go next? Alright!

Dick: Yeah, if you don't...if you, uh...

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: If you feel comfortable with that.

Maddox: Yeeeah, let's get it out of the way. My problem, Dick, this week is First-Time Child Experts. (Dick sighs) OR, in your case Dick, *no*-time child experts. (everyone laughs) 'Cause you remember from Episode 9...? Sean's shaking his head. You remember from Episode 9, Dick -

Dick: (interjects) He's shaking his head at YOU.

Maddox: Yeah, I know! Oh, I know.

Dick: 'Cause you don't know shit about children. (background laughter)

Maddox: I don't need shit from -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you ARE one.

Maddox: I don't need shit from Sativa!

Asterios: Weren't you the guy that was, like, afraid babies would malfunction and break in your hands?

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Yeah! And from that... (Asterios laughs loudly)

Dick: I would love to see you explain to a child why he can't have a dog. "'Cause they're replaceable! 'Cause they can't massage you and drive you to the hospital, son!" (stern voice) (Asterios giggling)

Maddox: You don't explain yourself to a child!!

Dick: GREAT. Great start!

Maddox: You just set rules...

Dick: Great start.

Maddox: Okay, Dick -

Dick: (interjects) "Just obey these rules for no reason and, uh, figure out how to be well-developed later."

Maddox: Go...go on, Dick!

Asterios: 50 years later, he's a Nazi! WHAT DID YOU DO? (Maddox and Dick laugh) He was just following orders!

Maddox: Yeah. Like I said, "...or in your case Dick, *no*-time child experts." So from Episode 9, Dick, you said...we were talkin' about shame shaming.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I was talkin' about the dad who made his son hold a sign in traffic, like on the streets or something because he was bein' a little shit, and he -

Dick: (interjects) The dad or the kid?

Maddox: The kid!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The kid was bein' a little shit, and then you said, "That's crazy! That's just a crazy parenting strategy!"

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: And then you said, "'Cause you're a horrible person if you do that! Yeah!" And then you said -- this is a direct quote -- "It's because you're a shitty parent!! [...] 'I'm neglecting them in some way!'" That's what you said. You gave parental advice having had ZERO experience raising a child!

Dick: Yeah, because I'm fuckin' smart! (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. Okay. (skeptical)

Dick: That's why! Almost everybody, half of people, are fuckin' stupid.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: I do think I could raise their kids better than them with no experience.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Suck my cock.

Maddox: Okay. You THINK that, for sure. I agree that you think that.

Dick: Uh, the end result is not gonna be me forcing my kid to hold a sign out in the middle of the street saying "I have a small dick." That's where that parenting leads to.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh, you sounds like you have all the answers, Dick. You are a child expert. A first-time, no-time child expert. (Dick and Asterios laugh) Child experts...they're everywhere in public. They think they know what a baby is crying about at all times. Their expertly trained ears can tell the difference between the cry of a child who's hungry and the cry of a child who's tired. And by the way, if you're so tired, why do they have so much fuckin' energy to cry all the time? I never got that! Do you guys cry when you're tired?

Dick: What the FUCK are you talking about? (Asterios laughs loudly)

Maddox: Children!!

Dick: Babies are either tired or hungry. It's a guess! It's a desperate guess from a desperate person who's been hearing crying for anywhere between, uh, 24 hours straight or 6 months straight. (yelling)

Maddox: I've been hearin' long is this episode? 39 minutes now. (everyone else except Dick laughs) From that side of the room. They think they're such experts in child psychology. You, Dick, YOU think you're such an expert in child psychology. Your own -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, 'cause it's the same as adult psychology.

Maddox: Oh, really? (sarcastic)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Well, your own life might be a total mess, which it IS, and you're standing in line at McDonald's for dinner so things can't be goin' that well for you. But you know what? Why don't you share some unsolicited life lessons with a parent in front of you? They look like they could use a few pointers on raising kids who you've never met and know nothing about!

Dick: Who does that?!

Maddox: YOU!

Dick: This is an imaginary person that...nobody is sitting in line at McDonald's watching a family freak out and go, "Uh, excuse me, can I just offer some parental advice to you?" NOBODY does that.

Maddox: Dick...

Dick: That is not a real thing!

Maddox: (chuckling) This happens -

Dick: (interjects) That is the most straw man of straw man arguments ever!

Maddox: Well then, you're gonna wish you didn't say that a second ago because I have some stats from The New York Times. This actually happens all the time. This is from The New York Times; this journalist wrote...she said, "I told the stranger at the next table in a restaurant not to wake her child from a stroller nap, because 'you should never ever wake a sleeping baby. It never goes well.'" She offered this unsolicited advice, and then she herself was offered unsolicited advice when she was putting groceries in her car. Her kids were screaming and this woman came up to her and she thought, "Oh, this nice lady's coming by to give me a hand and put the groceries in my car 'cause my children are screaming and unruly." Instead the lady said, "Hey, you know, if you let your child cry long term it's bad for them," and then walked away! Yeah, so she walked away instead of offering to help this woman. She gave her..."Hey, you know what she needs? Her hands are full, her children are crying; she needs some unsolicited advice! Let me walk over and give her some parental advice." That's you, DICK. (Asterios bursts out laughing)

Dick: Can I ask...can I ask some questions?

Asterios: How is that him?! He doesn't do that! (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Yeah. No, no, no.

Asterios: What is...when has he ever done that?? (giggling)

Maddox: He knows what's best for children, apparently!

Dick: Are all your stats on this episode anecdotes from broads writing for The New York Times? Like, did you consult Tumblr to get all these statistics? (Asterios laughs) "Here's what I wish I would've done today but I didn't actually do, but my little collective would never question that." Right?

Maddox: Dick, I would -

Asterios: (interjects) I wanna say...I just wanna say, I totally believe this happens. I totally believe that there are women out there that have absolutely nothing better to do than, like, prove their superiority over other women who are having trouble with their kids.

Dick: Yeah! Hey, by the way, I'm not the one selling t-shirts on how to be a parent. (everyone else laughs) I'm holding in my hand, "If your child..." A shirt that you can get...can you get this at, this shirt that I'm holding? At your fuckin', uh, Slipstore, whatever it is?

Maddox: You can. I believe it's...

Dick: Squarespace?

Maddox: ...$18.95 for the t-shirt, yes. Uh, "If your child doesn't look like this when you..." It was from a satirical -

Dick: (interjects) "If your child doesn't look like this when you come home..." and then it's a child cowering in fear... (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: " have failed as a parent."

Maddox: Right. (background laughter)

Dick: So this is not you telling people; this is you recruiting people to tell other people how to parent. So why don't you go fuck yourself about what I tell people?

Asterios: Didn't you also write a book called "Crappy Children's Art" where all you did was tell people how to make their children better? And how their art is so terrible and how you would be so great at it?

Maddox: No, no, no, no.

Dick: And then you implied that your mentality is what created Mozart? (Maddox laughs) Did you also do that??

Maddox: No, you guys. Nonono...okay yeah, I DID say that. I didn't liken myself -

Asterios: (interjects) We're using your own babies against you, Maddox! We're both holding up your merchandise!! (cracking up)

Dick: We literally don't have to get up to get this evidence. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) We're sitting down in your store room. We don't even have to...I have to turn around a TINY BIT to find this shit. (background laughter)

Maddox: (yells) Yeah Dick, look, there are parents who definitely need to be told they're fucking up, like if you leave your kid in a parked car while you run to the store! Don't wanna bring the kid with you, then don't go to the fuckin' store. This isn't about...uh, telling people how to raise their kids. The only time I care about parental rules is if it affects ME. Right?? If your kid's sitting in a, uh...if your kid's getting unvaccinated 'cause you're makin' a choice as a parent? "I'm not gonna vaccinate my kid!" (ornery voice)

Dick: Oh, this is a -

Maddox: (interjects) Fuck you!!

Dick: This is an easy fallback. (Asterios laughs) You know people are gonna support the vaccination shit. Yeah.

Maddox: Because it's true! And by the way -

Dick: (interjects) Changing gears. (smiling)

Asterios: Wait, he also brought up a child baking to death in a car...

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: defend his position. (laughing)

Dick: All of a sudden. (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah, that's not a parenting choice, dickhead! If you just leave your kid in a car, or if you decide...if you decide not to vaccinate your kids, that affects me, and if you decide to let your kids draw crappy art and you reward them for it, it's gonna create mediocre artwork!

Dick: That affects you somehow too?

Maddox: Yes!! (Dick laughs)

Asterios: But here's the thing: the reason we don't call people on their anti-vax bullshit is because we don't want to be...what's the name of your problem again? What did you call it?

Maddox: First-Time Child Experts.

Asterios: We don't wanna be first-time child experts. Like, I know people who don't vaccinate their kids.

Dick: Are you serious??

Maddox: Yeah, I do too!

Asterios: Yes, and I don't want to get in their face about it -

Maddox: (interjects) Why?

Asterios: Because I wanna s-...I don't want those kids cut out of my life. It's, know, I've -

Dick: (interjects) So this is, like, family members?

Asterios: Yeah, exactly!

Dick: Wow!

Maddox: Ohh.

Dick: Wow.

Asterios: So it's the kind know, you wanna talk about the lesser of two evils; it's the kind of thing where it's like yeah, look, I could really sit down a family member and be like, "You are ruining this kid's future, and you're might hurt this kid! I know you believe this, but you're wrong." But then I don't get to interact with that kid anymore, so -

Dick: (interjects) And it's not gonna work!

Asterios: Yeah!! It also -

Dick: (interjects) You can't convince people out of their beliefs, and they just...'cause they're not scientists.

Asterios: Yeah!

Dick: People in this ROOM are not qualified to say for sure whether or not vaccines work. Like, I trust it. At the end of the day I just kinda have to trust it, and that's most people. Sitting someone down and talking them into having the same trust as you is just not gonna work!

Maddox: You know, some of these anti-vaxxers are actually starting to come around because...

Asterios: I know.

Maddox: ...their kids are getting really, really sick.

Asterios: Yeah.

Maddox: And there's this mom that was on the news recently. She was a HUGE anti-vaxxer, and she said, "Yeah, my kid got measles and it was pretty serious. Almost died. I'm changing my mind about vaccinations..."

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: "...getting all my kids vaccinated." These fucking morons, they're... (stammers) The chickens are coming home to roost now because of their stupid policies and stupid parental beliefs, Dick! That's not a parental decision.

Dick: That's a...correct metaphor!

Maddox: Oh, thanks. (chuckling) (Asterios laughs)

Dick: You used a correct metaphor!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Hey, lemme ask you something. Has the thought ever crossed your mind, Asterios, to just vaccinate the kid?

Asterios: Oh yeah, of course!

Dick: And not tell them? (Maddox chuckles)

Asterios: One time I spent like...

Dick: Have you done that?

Asterios: ...two hours Googling, like, "How do I secretly vaccinate..." (Maddox laughs loudly) Like, is there a kit I can buy? And I was just like, "No, I can't. That's gotta be some sort of super crime." (cracks up)

Dick: Yeeeah.

Asterios: Like, injecting a serum into a kid that's not yours? (Dick laughs) Although that is how we have Spiderman, isn't it? Well, look, I haven't decided yet.

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: I still might secretly vaccinate this kid. But you know, back to Maddox's issue.

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: It's like...see, that's kind of the spectrum of it. On one hand we don't want people annoying ladies tryin' to put groceries in their car, but if we don't annoy anybody we have all these unvaccinated kids running around making vaccinated kids sick. It's like, what the fuck do you do?

Dick: Annoy everybody! Fuck them! (Asterios laughs) Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em. You're tryin' to load groceries into your...? "Hey lady, shut your kids up!" (Asterios laughs harder) Does that a problem? Do you feel bad that you got called out in the middle of a parking lot? No one fucking cares. Shut up, shut your kids up, get outta my fuckin' face.

Maddox: Yeah. No, parents who -

Asterios: (interjects) What side are any of us on at this point? (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: We're all just yelling!

Maddox: Yeah... (laughs)

Asterios: I forget if I'm for this or against this.

Maddox: Hey guys -

Asterios: (interjects) Do you like this or hate...? What are we talking about anymore?? (giggling)

Maddox: The beers were a great idea. (laughs)

Asterios: I need another beer! I need another beer until I know what side I'm arguing.

Maddox: No, listen to this. You know, if you choose not to vaccinate your kids, that's not a parenting choice. Like, here's where you draw the line about unsolicited parenting advice and unhelpful criticism, because one is unhelpful criticism -- when the lady's putting her groceries away -- and the other one is unsolicited parenting advice when you're telling them how to raise their child. Right? So if your child is screaming and running around in a restaurant, it needs to be put down. Uh... (Asterios and Sean laugh loudly)

Dick: Great.

Maddox: (yells) There's some advice! Alright? Why don't you take THAT advice and stick it up your ass? Also, I know parents think it's cute to have a learning moment by asking their kid what they want to eat in a restaurant, but hurry the fuck up because the rest of us learned how to read in school, not by holding up an entire restaurant while your little monster decides between chicken nuggets or grilled cheese!! And that's always what they choose! Also, here's some parenting advice: how about the kid eats what you give him? Huh?? When did the...when did choice become a thing that kids have? This isn't Nickelodeon, dickhead! It's a restaurant. Kids don't rule ANYTHING. And by the way... (Asterios bursts out laughing)

Dick: Is that the Nickelodeon slogan?

Maddox: Yeah!

Asterios: Yes. "Where kids rule," yes. (cracking up)

Maddox: "Where kids rule." Right?

Asterios: That IS where kids rule, Nickelodeon.

Dick: What are you guys, pedophiles? Why do you know that?

Maddox: Kids... (cracks up) Kids don't rule anything.

Asterios: Weren't you just making fun of Dick for giving advice to -

Dick: (interjects) This is all parenting advice.

Maddox: No, it's not! Nope!

Asterios: This is all... (stammers) You don't have any kids! (yelling)

Dick: What the f-...? This is all parenting advice!

Asterios: You're a 0th-time parent and you're...this is what you're doing!!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Are you guys...are your headphones working?! I literally just said you draw the line where it affects me! If I'm standing in a restaurant waiting for you to order 'cause your little monster is sitting there having a learning moment with the menu... (stammers angrily) I get it. It's cute, dickhead, but save your Hallmark moment for home and sit down and read comic books and whatever the fuck you want with your kid, but not in a restaurant! 'Cause guess what? It's busy! Commerce doesn't have to come to a fucking stop because your little SHIT can't decide between chicken nuggets! (background laughter) And he's just gonna order nuggets anyway! ORDER THE FUCKING NUGGETS AND MOVE ON!!

Asterios: Yeah, and *Dick* is the libertarian in this conversation. (laughs with Maddox)

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: Yeah, Dick is...yeah, right, exactly.

Dick: That's...well, that is -

Asterios: (interjects) DICK'S the Rand Paul voter.

Dick: That is why I always order for women when I go out.

Maddox: Oookay.

Dick: I wanna keep things moving.

Maddox: Here we go!

Asterios: It turns them on!

Dick: It does!! It totally does.

Asterios: Yeah, it absolutely does.

Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Alright. (laughs)

Asterios: They want a take-charge guy.

Dick: Oh, yeah! Especially when it comes to what goes in their mouth, you know what I'm sayin'?

Maddox: Okay... (laughs with Asterios)

Dick: And in their butts, eventually.

Maddox: Oh, man. Gross. (background laughter) (Dick giggles) Alright, I just wanna end on this one last point.

Asterios: No wait, let's talk more about that! (everyone laughs)

Maddox: (fart sound effect)

Asterios: Alright, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (giggling)

Maddox: Yeah. Let's not talk about... (smiles) Um -

Dick: (interjects) You have one more...parenting advice for people? (amused)

Maddox: No, this is from, uh...this is from a website called, and it's a website -- it has like a top-ten list of this annoying parental advice they get. Here's some things that they've actually heard: "Sleep when the baby sleeps." And then the lady said, "So, my baby sleeps well when riding around in the car. Other suggestions?" (Dick and Asterios chuckle) She said, uh, here's another one. It says, "Breast milk is literally liquid gold." "You're right! Thank you, kind stranger, that doesn't sound like an overstatement at all." (Asterios chuckles) Another one is "Does the baby have a jacket in case it gets cold?" "No, this suitcase of a diaper bag I'm carrying is filled to the brim with only my parenting insecurities and tissue paper." And then this one I really liked. It said, "I just let my baby tell me when he/she was hungry." "Great, so you didn't feed them until they were 18 months old. Smart. A real money saver."

Dick: You know what? Uh, Maddox, you would make a really good single mom. (everyone laughs)

Maddox: I don't need parental advice from you, Dick Masterson.

Dick: Yeah, 'cause you're full of it!! You can't stop giving it! (background laughter)

Maddox: I'm not claiming I know what's best for a kid! I don't know shit about kids, except they're annoying!

Dick: So just when they're being rude, then you wanna...THEN you have parenting advice.

Maddox: If it affects me it's a problem, and that's when I start to tell you what to do with your fucking kid. If your kid is butting into my life when I'm sitting there on a hot date, which ALL my dates are! (Dick scoffs) I'm sittin' in a restaurant and some-

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause of you or them? (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Well, I do my part, buddy. (Dick and Asterios giggle) I'm like 90...I'm 90 percent of it. I shave my goatee, I shave my beard, yeeeah! Sexy.

Dick: Yeah. What about the Mozart shit though?

Maddox: What?

Dick: That doesn't affect you.

Maddox: Of COURSE it does! That is...that affects not just me, but it affects me in the biggest possible way. It is affecting our culture and society. It is dumbing down society, it is making crappier art, it is lowering expectations, it's...we're gonna have a building, like, we're gonna have skyscrapers leaning up against each other like in Idiocracy if we don't watch it.

Dick: So, that affects you...

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: that's okay to tell people how to parent their kids...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...but what I'M doing is bad?

Maddox: No, because you don't know shit, Dick! (Asterios laughs loudly) You don't know -

Dick: (interjects) WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?!? You don't know anything! You don't even understand DOGS!

Maddox: You are trying to tell a guy what is and isn't a good way to discipline a kid when you don't fucking have one! I'm not doing that! I don't give a shit how you discipline your kid as long as it doesn't affect me.

Dick: Alright! Where's the shirt? Wheeere's the t-shirt? (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: That's satire, Dick, dipshit!! (yelling)

Dick: Where's the t-shirt?

Maddox: That's satire! That's obviously satire, I'm not telling people to go abuse their kids!

Dick: You fuckin' believe this. It's satire, but you believe the kernel of this.

Maddox: The kernel -

Dick: (interjects) You believe that kids should be punished...

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: believe that you should be honest with children when they're not doing something amazing. You believe in honesty towards children, true or false?

Maddox: Yes, but that's MY own personal beliefs that I would govern my kids with if I ever had...if I was ever unfortunate enough to have kids, that's how I would govern them.

Dick: Imagine how the kids would feel. (Sean laughs in the background)

Asterios: I just want...I want to give both of you a baby and see which one dies first. (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Yes!! (laughing) You're on!

Asterios: Like, you're both so bad at this, and you're yelling about how much worse the other one is.

Maddox: Yeah. Asterios, you're on. We're gonna get a baby in here...we're gonna get TWO babies.

Asterios: Twins, so that we -

Dick: (interjects) My sister's about to have a kid.

Asterios: There you go!

Dick: We could probably use hers. (background laughter)

Maddox: Oh, twins would be perfect. I have a friend who has twins.

Asterios: Yeah, exactly!

Maddox: She would sacrifice her kids for the show, for a podcast episode. (laughs)

Dick: So is this game now which one of us can poison a little baby faster? (cracking up)

Maddox: Dick, my child -

Asterios: (interjects) No, no, the longer...whichever baby survives the longest -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but I'm gonna try to kill his first. (background laughter)

Maddox: Ohh! That's -

Asterios: (interjects) Well, if he's not a good dad then that's gonna happen.

Dick: Yeah, exactly.

Asterios: A good dad stops their baby from being poisoned, Maddox.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's...I'm gonna carry antidotes with me everywhere I go!

Dick: Antidotes? (amused)

Maddox: I'm gonna have... (laughs with Asterios)

Dick: Antidotes, like Batman. The Maddox utility belt.

Maddox: Oh, man. I'm gonna put it in my -

Asterios: (interjects) Baby antidotes. (cracking up)

Maddox: I'm gonna mix it in my baby's food no matter what! Every single meal. EVERY single meal. That way...why wouldn't you?

Dick: The only way to be sure is if you breastfeed him yourself. (Asterios snickers) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No, I'm gonna get a MILF. A hot MILF.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Alright. (laughs)

Dick: Are you done?

Maddox: We're all nodding in agreement. Uh, yeah -

Dick: (interjects) How did you think that would be a good problem? That's all you do is parenting advice. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: No, it's... (annoyed)

Asterios: God dammit!

Maddox: Dick, again...

Dick: Fuckin' stupid.

Maddox: ...I drew the line in the sand. If I...if it affects me, right? Like leaning skyscrapers next to each other, because that's what happens -

Dick: (interjects) That doesn't affect you!

Maddox: Of course it does, Dick.

Dick: That's like anyth-...that could be anything then!

Asterios: That's the butterfly effect.

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: Yeah,, literally anything. That could be anything.

Maddox: No, nonononono. Do you guys like what's on TV right now? Do you like the state of the cable industry? No! Because it's all dog shit, because the parents -

Dick: (interjects) Are you gonna...wait, was that a question or are you just answering it for us? (chuckling)

Maddox: It's a rhetorical question! I know you don't; it's a rhetorical question. Because this generation -- the past generation of hippies that raised us, right? They told us, "Well, you know, you're doin' good enough. That's a good job," and then we didn't try hard enough and that's why we got SHIT on TV, and I turn it on and I'm fuckin' bored, and I blame shitty parents! That's what affects me.

Dick: I don't know, man. I feel like throughout my whole life I've always just kinda liked 3 or 4 shows that are on. Is that not accurate? Like, even way back when I was a kid I probably liked 3 or 4 shows.

Maddox: Oh, is that why literally every single movie that's coming out in Hollywood is a remake of something from our childhood because nothing new that's worthy is getting made anymore?? (yelling)

Dick: Guardians of the Galaxy was new.

Maddox: No it's not, it's based on a fuckin' old property! You know that comic came from like the '60s, AND they changed the entire origin story for fuckin' Peter Quill.

Dick: But Die Hard was based on a book that was written way before. It's all based on SOMETHING.

Maddox: No, not all! You gave one cherry-picked example!

Dick: Well, pick another one! What's a completely original movie that was when we were a kid? Like, what is a...I just don't think anything's completely original. I think that we have perspective now as adults that we didn't have as kids so things seem stupid and more predictable, but if you watch things you loved as a kid, like...I mean, this is sacrilegious, but DuckTales? It's just...there's gigantic holes in it! It's just not as good, 'cause you can't get out of your adult mindset. That's all I'm sayin'.

Asterios: Well, DuckTales is also based on, like, those comics from the '30s. You know, The Adventures of Scrooge McDuck. Like, uh, yeah! I never watched The Goonies as a kid, and I tried to watch it a couple of years ago and I was like, "This is the worst movie I've ever fuckin' seen..." (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Asterios: " my goddamn life."

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: I tried to read Catcher in the Rye as like a 26-year-old and I was like, "This whiny little bitch needs to shut the hell up." (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Asterios: 'Cause what was it? Holden Caulfield, whatever?

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Oh, ugh, that guy SUCKS. You know? But when you're a kid you think ev-...I watched Saved by the Bell as a kid! I was stupid. Kids are stupid.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Kids are stupid, but the reason that we don't see any new stuff in movies anymore -- it's all Smurfs and Garfield, and uh... (Dick and Asterios laugh hysterically) Oh, what are they doin'...Scooby Doo, and they're makin' movies -

Dick: (interjects) "It's all Smurfs and Garfield!"

Maddox: That's all it is! Transformers, Ninja Turtles? There's nothing new!

Dick: No, it's all Smurfs and Garfield! That's the line. (everyone except Maddox laughing)

Maddox: That's what coming out! You know they're making a live-action -

Asterios: (interjects) I don't know if we're gonna top that. I think we should move on to your problem.

Maddox: Great. Whatever! Fuckin' shit all over!! I bring in this well-researched problem, and AGAIN you guys don't understand! (snarling)

Dick: (chuckles) But you just...

Maddox: Okay, what's your problem?

Dick: ...violated it the entire time. My problem... (stammers) Alright. Um, High School Prom!

Maddox: Ohokay.

Asterios: Ooo!

Maddox: Alright! (background laughter)

Asterios: Alright!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: I got an email from a kid by the name of Jay Evans. "Hello Dick, I'm a big fan of the podcast and I need advice of which you're the most qualified to give." Ohh, alright! (Maddox and Asterios laugh) Probably something about lying!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or something about cheating on somebody. (chuckling) "You see, I'm a high school junior and my prom is just around the corner. Having already spent 150 bucks on my ticket (I'm an idiot)..." Can you believe that?

Asterios: 150 dollars? (incredulous)

Dick: 150 dollars! How much was it when you went? Did you go to prom?

Asterios: Yeah, it was like...40 dollars or something? It wasn't that much.

Dick: See, mine was 180.

Asterios: Oh my g-...really?!

Dick: And that was in like 1998.

Asterios: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Dick: 1997, 1998. Did you go?

Maddox: No, I watched porn with some friends. And we, uh, I pushed my friend's van up a hill.

(brief silence)

Dick: What?

Sean: What?? (from background) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: We, uh, we were -

Dick: (interjects) Was that like a float? Were you guys having a little parade with your...what do you mean? (amused)

Maddox: Uh, no. There was this girl in high school I was kinda crushing on so I thought...prom day came and I didn't really have a date or anything, 'cause girls asked me out and I didn't realize what they were asking me out for, so I didn't...I blew it. Anyway, um -

Dick: (interjects) Hey, wait. How did that happen? What was that?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a long story. Basically I was an idiot. this girl who I was kinda crushin' on, I thought, "You know what? It's prom night. She's probably pretty lonely. I'll give her a call and see if she wants to go out, go hang out!" I call her; her brother answers and he goes, "Yeah, she's at prom." I'm like, "Oh." (Dick scoffs and laughs) And I, then I... (cracks up) I later found out that she went to prom with the biggest jock in the school, like, the prom king. I'm like, "Oh, I guess she's a lot hotter than I thought!" Uh, I guess everyone was after her? I don't ev-...I don't even fuckin' know! I barely even saw her at school. Anyway man, so my friends and I decided to ruin everyone else's fun.

Dick: Great. (flatly)

Maddox: So we got in his van, drove up to this makeout peak where we knew all the prom kids were makin' out in their cars. (Dick giggles) We were lookin' for, like, steamy windows and stuff, and we were just flashing our brights on their cars. Well, that was the plan. On the way up there the van broke down...

Dick: Good!

Maddox: ...and we were stuck on a hill. And so we all had to get out and just push it up this hill, and we got to the top and we were all panting and heaving, and the car wouldn't start so we had to roll it back down the hill just to get the engine started. And then we went home and watched Mystery Science Theater and porn, I think.

Dick: You pieces of shit! (Maddox laughs)

Asterios: That's the most Maddox-y thing I've ever heard! You wanted to ruin everyone else's prom because you didn't realize a girl was asking you. (laughing)

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: It's like bags-of-sand meets bags-of-poison! (Maddox laughs harder) It's's perfect!! That's, like, the perfect 50th episode story.

Maddox: Yeah, whatever.

Dick: You cockblocking piece of shit. And I love that you're all huffing and out's 4 dudes at a makeout spot, huffing and puffing and getting out of some kind of gay orgy van. (everyone laughs loudly)

Maddox: We were, what, like 18? 16, 17 years old? How old are you when your prom...?

Dick: Barely legal.

Maddox: Buncha 17-year-old kids pushing this giant fuckin' iron van, which weighed as much as the fuckin' Titanic. This piece of SHIT, my friend's van. I, I hate that fuckin' thing. We used to kick it! We used to go up to his house when he wasn't even home and we'd just kick his van because it's such a piece of shit, and sometimes we'd call him like, "Hey man, look out the window!" We'd be peeing on his van. He goes, "Hey guys, stop peein' on the van" and we said, "NO!!"

Dick: And you guys didn't have prom dates?

Asterios: Did you grow up in Napoleon Dynamite? (Maddox laughs) What...where did you grow up?! What's happening?? (giggling)

Maddox: Utah, yeah.

Asterios: Oh my god!

Maddox: It's very similar to Napoleon Dynamite.

Dick: So Jay Evans says, um... (Asterios laughs) Before securing a date, he bought his ticket. "I still fully intend to go; the problem is I don't have a date yet and probably still won't by the time prom rolls around. Being the type of guy you are, I'll bet you leave avenues with girls more often than you arrive with them." That's true. (Maddox snickers) "Which is good, but because I'll probably end up showing up to the big night without a date like a jackass, I'm asking you to put yourself in my shoes. What's the strategy to snag a date at the dance? Gratefully yours, Sleazy in Sarasota."

Asterios: You should definitely still go to the prom because someone is gonna blow up at their boyfriend. Like, some girl's gonna run off crying...

Dick: Sneaky Greek!

Asterios: ...and you can... (cracks up) Exactly!

Maddox: Sneaky Greek. (grinning)

Asterios: And you can just slide in there and be the shoulder to cry on, and of course that girl's gonna wanna get laid on prom night. It's prom night!

Dick: It's magical.

Asterios: Exactly! (Maddox scoffs) You can't NOT's an automatic! It's prom night and Halloween; they're the two automatics for sex. You gotta go to this prom, Jay!

Maddox: Does anyone who's not a virgin get laid on prom night? Like, for -

Dick: (interjects) Wait wait, say that again?

Maddox: Does anyone who's...who's -

Dick: (interjects) Who's a virgin?

Maddox: ...who's a VIRGIN get laid on prom night?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Like, people...yeah, nobody gets laid!

Dick: It's a myth.

Maddox: NOBODY. Yeah!

Asterios: Eh, that's true. Alright, okay.

Dick: It's a marketing myth like Vegas.

Maddox: It is!

Dick: All of the Vegas ads say "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" because nothing fuckin' happens in Vegas.

Maddox: Yup!

Dick: It is not this -

Asterios: (interjects) You jerk off in your hotel room in Vegas and it stays in Vegas.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And that's exactly my problem with prom. It has this mythos like it's like, "We're all gonna get fuckin' laid tonight 'cause these chicks are all tuned up to bang" when it's the FUCKIN' opposite. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Nobody gets laid at prom!

Maddox: Nope.

Dick: It costs...the average family spends a thousand bucks on prom!

Asterios: Oh my god!!

Maddox: That's insane.

Dick: When it is sanctioned fun. It is a fake wedding.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: It is like a pretend wedding where nobody's getting married. The marriage is between, uh, fun and death. (Asterios laughs) Because it is the death of fun to go to a a place that is a conference center during the day, a place where men in suits go when they want to DIE. That's where you're going to celebrate this stupid dance? At some Biltmore or Hilton conference center, know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: Yeah!

Dick: That's the venue of this prom.

Maddox: It is also the perfect illustration of what some dipshit kid thinks his idea of a fancy dinner is, which is always Spaghetti Factory.

Dick: I'll tell... (everyone laughs) Yeah! I'll tell you who it is, who I blame for this: the fuckin' Baby Boomers.

Maddox: Ohh!

Dick: And I'm gonna bring them in...I'm gonna bring them in as a problem at some point. But everything we experience in our lives as Generation X and the Millennial generation is some kind of watered down, safety-first, horseshit, nostalgia-generated reenactment of something they did as kids, and they are the ones that trained us to do this. That's why the prom is, like, this must-do and it's an important night of your high school life, when it actually is jack shit and horrible. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And costs you a thousand bucks.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Chicks are treating this like a fuckin' wedding!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: This is a...this is a pseudo-wedding where you go and pretend to be a married couple.

Maddox: Yeah. It's awful! It is a template for ruining your life, because that's what you're supposed to do 4-5 years from now when you're 25 and you drop out of college. But the only people who are having sex at prom are people who are already having sex before prom.

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: Those are the people who are cool, the cool kids in school. Right? They're havin' unprotected sex, they're dumb! (Asterios laughs loudly)

Dick: Well, let's not...

Maddox: But they're cool!

Dick: Let's not go crazy. (Maddox chuckles) Unprotected sex is pretty much the only thing worth doing in life. (Asterios and Sean laugh)

Maddox: Well...

Dick: Having unprotected sex is the top! Nothing else is as good as having unprotected sex.

Maddox: Dick, I got a line for you. I saw this on the Internet on a -

Dick: (interjects) Not even a line is as good know. (imitates snorting)

Maddox: No, no... (laughs with Asterios)

Dick: Not even a line is as good as having unprotected sex.

Maddox: Not one of those. I saw this line on the Internet on a meme, and I thought it was so funny that I'm gonna use it in real life. The meme was somethin' like "If she don't raw dog, I go 'Naw, dawg.'" And so... (laughs with Asterios and Sean) So it's worked every single time.

Dick: Ha. One?

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs) One hundred!

Asterios: Hey, that's 100 percent of the time.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Here, lemme tell you something about being fancy and being a grown-up, because that's what they pitch prom as, right? It's a fancy adult wonderland where you're going to experience adulthood. You don't take a fucking BUS to a fancy party.

Maddox: What if it's a party bus, Dick?

Dick: It's not a party bus. Have you been to prom? (Maddox and Asterios laugh) It's not a party bus when a 70-year-old woman is walking up and down the aisle making sure nobody's taking slugs out of a flask.

Maddox: Yeah man, prom sucks and you're a sucker for going to it. You should drive up to makeout point and flash your brights on people who are makin' out!

Dick: That's awful. (chuckling)

Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty fuckin' cool!

Asterios: I will do that. In fact, that's what we're all doing tonight!

Maddox: Is tonight prom night? Let's find out! I'd crash a prom -

Dick: (interjects) No, that's why I brought it in.

Maddox: What?

Dick: 'Cause his prom is tonight.

Maddox: Oh, is it really?

Dick: Yeah, yeah. This guy's prom is tonight.

Asterios: So he's getting this advice just in time.

Dick: Well, I sent him some tips before. I was like, "Learn how to dance. Don't be afraid of dancing, because guys your age will not dance 'cause they're uncomfortable with - "

Maddox: (interjects) Dancing is stupid. (Dick sighs)

Dick: Okay. Okay Mr., uh...

Maddox: Except for -

Dick: (interjects) Mr. King of Cockblocking on Prom Night!

Maddox: Except for break dancing, which pirates and lumberjacks would agree is cool. That's the only type of dancing. I... (cracks up)

Dick: Just learn how to step back and forth. (everyone laughs) That's allll I'm sayin'.

Maddox: Here's another's another pathetic thing. My friend and I one time, instead of goin' to I think another high school dance, or somethin' was goin' on?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We went to Blockbuster Video and rented a "how to break dance" video and sat in his parents' basement watching this break dance video on how to pop and lock, and uh...

Dick: This is literally Napoleon Dynamite! (Maddox giggles) Your life is Napoleon Dynamite!

Maddox: Yeah, I really resonated with Napoleon Dynamite. I got... (Asterios laughs) I thought it was a good movie.

Dick: Don't get a tux, wear a suit. What's up?

Asterios: Oh, I was gonna say, are you gonna talk about promposals?

Maddox: Oh, what's a promposal?

Asterios: Promposals's like now you not only have to, you know, buy the dress, spend the thousand dollars; you need to be asked to the prom in a special way.

Dick: No, FUCK no. (incredulous)

Asterios: Yes, it's called a "promposal." You need to be asked with fireworks that spell out your name. You need to be asked with a lip dub video that's uploaded, you know, with all her friends in it. You need to show up outside her house with a boombox and her family's there. Like, you gotta have a promposal. It sucks because you're right, you don't get laid on prom night unless you're already getting laid. You have to put all this work in, and then it's's fucking nothing!

Maddox: (negative 'sproing' sound effect)

Dick: It's a pretend marriage!

Asterios: Yeah, exactly!

Dick: It's a pretend marriage.

Asterios: Yeah, at least on your wedding night you get laid, you know? And all your friends are there and there's open bar. Oh, prom is so depressing, god dammit!

Maddox: And what, your odds are so stacked against you. You have 4 people with a vested interest in makin' sure you don't get laid that night. (Asterios laughs)

Dick: Right!

Maddox: Your parents AND their parents. And 5, actually! The chaperone!

Dick: Well, I don't know. I think my dad...I think your dad, if you're the guy, is gunning for you.

Maddox: Maybe.

Dick: Maybe?? (skeptical)

Maddox: Maybe.

Dick: Oh, come on!

Maddox: Depends! I wanna check this chick out, see if -

Dick: (interjects) I don't wanna give parenting advice, but uh...

Maddox: Nooo, no.

Dick: ...I will be gunning for that dude to get his, uh, his dick wet. You know what I'm talkin' about? (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Noooo! Di-

Dick: (interjects) If you know what I'm talkin' about.

Maddox: Dick, of course! That's why you give shit parenting advice! (Dick giggles)

Asterios: (laughing) Oh, I'm...what are you talking about when you say "get your dick wet"? That's so vague and obtuse! (Maddox laughs) What could that mean??

Sean: Taking a shower? (from background)

Asterios: Yeah, is that what you're talking about? (laughs more)

Maddox: Like, the worst time to get laid in your life is in high school, because you're -

Dick: (interjects) What?!

Maddox: First of all, first -

Asterios: (interjects) I don't know if that's true.

Maddox: Okay. (amused) Well, first of all -

Asterios: (interjects) It's the worst time to have a baby!

Maddox: It is, and you're way more likely to!

Dick: Actually, I will disagree with that because your body...if you're a chick, your body will bounce back like a fuckin' Super Ball if you have a baby when you're young. Like, the younger -

Asterios: (interjects) That's a very Dick Masterson reason to... (laughs)

Maddox: It's not about...yeah!

Dick: That's absolutely true!

Maddox: It's not about your body, dumbshit! Then what are they gonna do the rest of their lives?

Dick: (screams) EVERYTHING'S ABOUT THEIR BODY!!! (Maddox and Asterios laugh) Every single fuckin' thing in the world is about a woman's body! What do you think it's about, the Oculus Rift?! (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Oh, I'm sorry I...I'm sorry I brought this up. I'm sorry I tried to make a point here. No, it's not about their body, Dick! Look, first of all, the sex in high school is awful. Uh -

Dick: (interjects) Ugh. WHAT?!

Maddox: Yeah, it's the worst! You're just -

Dick: (interjects) Who were YOU fucking?

Maddox: It's just a bunch of inexperienced nobodies sittin' there bumping uglies, tryin' to figure it out, like "Oh, I..." Putting on a condom for the first time? Forget it! Get outta here! Learn how to have sex. The best sex you have in your life comes later, my friends. I'm sorry to disappoint all you fuckin' COOL kids havin' sex at prom and all the, like, cool high school kids. Your sex sucks!!

Asterios: All the kids that aren't pushing a van to the top of a hill. (laughs with Maddox)

Dick: Yeah! Hey, this is what people who didn't go to prom actually believe!

Maddox: Yeah. No, sex -

Dick: (interjects) Sex as a teenager is the BEST, man!

Maddox: Bloooows.

Dick: It NEVER gets better than that. If you're a teenager, do anything you fuckin' can to get laid.

Maddox: (chuckles) Nah.

Dick: That is as good as it gets, man!

Maddox: No, it's not.

Dick: Ohh!

Maddox: No, it's not.

Dick: You're crazy. It never gets better than that.

Maddox: You know what it is? It's like an unripened banana. (Asterios snickers) You bite into it, it's a little bit too tart, it's a little bit too bitter, and you sit there and you wish, "You know? Hm, this banana would be pretty good if I left it on the shelf a couple more weeks." That's what high school sex is like. Garbage.

Dick: Well, I totally disagree. I think it's like watching The Goonies; you gotta watch it when you're young. (Maddox and Asterios laugh) 'Cause when you're older, you see... (cracks up)

Asterios: You see the flaws.

Dick: You see the special effects, you see...yeah, you see the flaws.

Asterios: There's so many flaws, ugh!

Maddox: Well, then just made my point for me, Dick! You're deluding yourself with shit Goonies when you're young, and then when you get older you realize, "Huh, that wasn't so good."

Dick: The magic doesn't work anymore. It's not the same. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah, it's way better.

Dick: You know, I'd rather have another drink than get laid sometimes.

Maddox: Oh, I'm sorry I'd rather have sex with women! I think that it's way hotter to have sex with women than, uh, than adolescents. (Asterios laughs)

Asterios: You guys both agree about this prom problem, too! (Maddox laughs) You're just looking for these weird, divisive wedge moments! You're both on the same page!!

Dick: No, we're not. No.

Asterios: You're not?!

Maddox: Asterios, we're not ready...we're not... (laughs)

Dick: We're not on the same page, no. Where it matters we're not on the same page.

Asterios: Alright, getting laid as a teenager. You wouldn't wanna get laid as a teenager, really?

Maddox: Of course I would! I'm not sayin' I wouldn't!

Asterios: Well, that's the thing!! That's all Dick is saying!

Dick: More than as an adult?

Maddox: Would I want to get laid more as a teenager?

Dick: If you could pick. If you could be banging...if you could be 17 right now and be banging a 17-year-old girlfriend...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...or...what are you, 43? (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Go on, asshole! Yeah?

Dick: And banging, like, a 52-year-old woman? I don't know, what are you into? (smiles)

Maddox: I just, like, burst into anger sweats. I'm so mad right now. (everyone laughs more) Like, for real.

Dick: I don't really care, that was all a setup for that joke.

Maddox: I can just feel it on my body. Ohhh, I's like waves, you know? You get the ripples in a pond? It's just hitting my forehead and then it goes back down to my balls and it comes back to my forehead. (Asterios giggling) Go on! What's your shit...what's your -

Dick: (interjects) It was just a setup for that insult.

Maddox: Great. (sullen) No Dick, I would rather...first of all, 17-year-olds are way too emotional, they're way too attached, they're's just, the drama that you have to deal with after the fact is just not worth it! Dick, YOU of all people -

Dick: (interjects) I found that to be the case now, grown up.

Maddox: What are you...?!

Dick: 'Cause girls want to know NOW where you're at.

Maddox: Oh, but that's...that's 100 percent on you, buddy. You're a shit communicator. That's why! You -

Dick: (interjects) Well, what do you mean? Why? Why am I a shit communicator?

Maddox: Well, you...when you go into one of these arrangements, right? With another adult?

Dick: Yeah, you can say it straight, I don't care!

Maddox: Right. No, I'm -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, I'm interested to hear what you have to say about that.

Maddox: Uh, because you have set up expectations and you don't deliver on those expectations, and so things fall apart.

Dick: What kind of expectations are you talking about?

Maddox: With a woman?

Dick: That I'm setting up? Yeah.

Maddox: Well, for example, if you're going to have sex with a woman, don't lead her on that you're going to're going to begin a relationship with her if you don't intend to.

Dick: But it makes the sex better!

Maddox: Ah, there it is!! (laughs with Asterios)

Dick: It makes the blowjobs way better -- it makes them exist.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it makes the sex way better.

Maddox: It's dishonest!

Dick: Well -

Maddox: (interjects) That's why you have drama as an adult! That's why you're dealing with the drama as an adult...

Dick: Right.

Maddox: ...whereas as a KID -

Dick: (interjects) So, I don't call that a poor communicator though!

Maddox: Yeah! 'Lying,' I would put under the umbrella of poor communication. (laughs)

Dick: Ahh, "poor"? I don't know.

Asterios: Are you lying or are you just omitting certain...or are you just kinda leaving some things hang out there?

Dick: That's a lie!

Asterios: You're not saying certain...hey, there's...a lie and not telling the truth are not the same thing! Dick is right. If you're not in a relationship but the girl thinks you're heading there, the sex is gonna be better and crazier.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Coming from -

Dick: (interjects) So why would you not do it?

Maddox: Coming from the Sneaky Greek!! (laughs)

Asterios: That's all I have to say!

Maddox: You know, um -

Asterios: (interjects) Those girls go so much farther because they're tryin' to get you, and because you don't want it they wanna go farther and farther.

Dick: They feel safe! They feel safe with you.

Maddox: But don't you feel...don't you feel like you're selling someone a lemon? Huh? Don't you feel like you're selling -

Dick: (interjects) Yes!

Asterios: Yeah, but you get to drink the lemonade! (Maddox giggles) Don't you get it?? That sweet, sweet, delicious lemonade. What would you rather drink, lemonade or lemon-flavored Kool-Aid?

Maddox: Uhh, the...well, I give THEM the Kool-Aid. (Asterios laughs) No, no, no. Listen to this, listen to this. Here's my whole angle: I don't mislead. I tell people straight up "here's what's gonna happen," because if you DO -

Dick: (interjects) Oho, what's gonna happen? (everyone laughs)

Maddox: They're on a one...they got a one -

Dick: (interjects) "You're gonna be very disappointed. Let's start there."

Maddox: They got a one-way ticket to Pleasuretown, buddy! And I'm the conductor! (Asterios giggles) So they -

Dick: (interjects) "And I,'re gonna be on a mattress that I saved 50 dollars on with this promo code, if you're interested and if you find your experience pleasurable." (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: Thank you for supporting us, Casper! Um, so they ride on my train, right? To Pleasuretown. (Dick scoffs)

Dick: Oh, GOD.

Maddox: But before they get on, before they even get their ticket in their hand -- and they're anxious for that ticket. They want that ticket to Pleasuretown, right? (Dick laughs) I say, "Listen, here's what it's gonna be. This is the last stop! There's no more stops on this train to Pleasuretown." And then they understand at the end of that train, if I get off at that stop, that's it. There's no more ride. BUT, there's no drama! That's how I avoid it, because I'm honest! I tell them, "This is what it is."

Dick: Your sex must be so lousy without mind games. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: Ohh my god. (exasperated)

Dick: Mind games are like 95 percent of the sex for me.

Maddox: Gross.

Dick: Gross?! Why is that gross?

Maddox: 'Cause I'm not a fucking Jedi! I just wanna get in and get out and get on with my life.

Dick: That's right.

Asterios: Jedis are pretty cool, Maddox.

Dick: I am a sex Jedi.

Maddox: Oho. Oh yeah? (amused) You know, when I think "cool" I think "Star Wars." The coolest people I know are really into Star Wars. (laughs)

Asterios: Light sabers are cool, Maddox. (cracks up) Light sabers are cool!

Maddox: Go on!

Asterios: They're sword...they're laser swords!

Maddox: By the way, I gotta plug somethin' Asterios has done.

Asterios: Sure!

Maddox: He has this General Ackbar Snackbar thing -

Asterios: (interjects) Admiral Ackbar, Maddox. (cracking up)

Maddox: Oh, Admiral? Oh. (laughs)

Asterios: Thank you.

Maddox: You nerd. (smiling) He has this -

Asterios: (interjects) He has a name!

Maddox: He has this funny sketch he's done online and it's gone viral. It's "Admiral Snackbar," and it is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Asterios: Thank you.

Maddox: It totally deserves to be seen, look this up on YouTube. He does this, uh, this concession stand routine as Admiral Ackbar. Right?

Asterios: If you Google "Admiral Ackbar Snackbar"... (giggling)

Maddox: Yeah.

Asterios: can see it. Yeah, I made 9 crazy Star Wars comedy sketches that you can...I think it's You can see 'em.

Maddox: They've gone viral, right?

Asterios: They were on The Huffington Post, Playboy wrote about them...

Maddox: Yeah!

Asterios: Yeah, it's the -

Maddox: (interjects) Everybody's seen them. You've probably seen these and you didn't even know our very own Boisterous Coconuts did those, uh, those sketches!

Asterios: Thank you for plugging that!

Maddox: Very funny stuff, yeah yeah yeah.

Asterios: That's nice of you.

Maddox: Anyway Dick, is that all you got?

Dick: Well, I got one more piece of advice. Um, if you wanna smuggle booze into your prom put it in a Ziploc bag, some vodka, and tape it to your belt area on your stomach. Under your stomach.

Maddox: That is good advice.

Asterios: That's a great idea!

Dick: So they won't frisk you there. And they will find a flask.

Asterios: Well, yeah!

Dick: They will find it, 'cause it changes the way your slacks move. If you're not used to wearing thin, like, tuxedo pants it's easy to spot a flask, but definitely pop that Ziploc under your belt or somethin' like that.

Asterios: You also wanna try to smuggle alcohol in in your stomach 5 minutes before you walk into the prom.

Maddox: Smart.

Dick: More good advice.

Asterios: Exactly. You chug as much as you can because it's gonna take 10 minutes to take effect. You walk through the doors, you're fine; you get in, you're shitfaced. It's great!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So then you're gonna have, uh...the people who are already having sex are gonna have sloppy, inexperienced sex by people who are sloppy and inexperienced at drinking. Great! Sounds like a perfect recipe!

Asterios: How do you get experienced at sex if you don't have sloppy, inexperienced sex?? If a 30-year-old guy who did not have sex as a teenager has sex for the first time, it's gonna be weird, inexperienced sex!

Maddox: Well, yeah.

Asterios: How do you get experience?!

Maddox: Well, you get get experience in high school, and that's -

Asterios: (interjects) Well yeah, that's the thing, exactly!

Maddox: Sure, but it's not good.

Asterios: So you don't wanna give up those precious golden years!

Maddox: Ehh. (dismissively)

Dick: This is not World of Warcraft. (Maddox and Asterios laugh) You're not grinding for experience points for sex.

Maddox: Oh, I am! (laughs)

Asterios: Oh no, I am.

Maddox: I am literally grinding for experience.

Asterios: It's the best way to grind! (Maddox laughs more)

Dick: Jerking off on your Casper mattress does not make you better in bed. It's not about having experience; it's about being in the moment.

Maddox: Ohoho!

Dick: That you might never get back!

Maddox: Whoa, sagely advice from Dick Masterson.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Sounds like he's advising everybody. A no-time parent giving us parental advice.

Dick: I'm giving SEX advice, no.

Maddox: Ohh, okay. (smiles)

Dick: Alright, let's go over our problems. You first, you shifty fuck.

Asterios: Alright, my problem is... (cracks up) Unexpected Guests.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. Shifty Sean knew about this, by the way, so Shifty Sean and Sneaky Greek!! (Asterios laughs) These two guys, these two guys -

Asterios: (interjects) That's our new cop show, "Shifty Sean and Sneaky Greek." (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Sneaky Greek.

Maddox: Boisterous. Okay, so your problem was...?

Asterios: My problem was, uh, Unexpected Guests.

Maddox: Unexpected Guests. (chuckling)

Asterios: Which is clearly pissing some people off. It seems like a pretty big problem.

Dick: Yeah, I'm really pissed off now. Now that the fun of this episode has worn off I'm really fuckin' pissed off.

Maddox: And my problem was First-Time Child Experts. Or maybe just Child Experts, or NO-Time Child Experts in your case, Dick.

Dick: Or just go vote up Maddox! It's the same thing. Same problem.

Maddox: Yeah. Ohh, appar-...yeah sure, apparently, 'cause people can't figure out satire! Maybe I need a satire tag on that failed parent t-shirt!

Dick: I don't know. My problem is High School Prom.

Maddox: And last time we plugged your, uh...

Asterios: The Mega Man book!

Maddox: ...your "Twenty-Something Mega Man" villains, right?

Asterios: Yeah, exactly! There's a sequel coming out. It's called "Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man II."

Dick: Oh!

Asterios: And just for this week, the people who are listening to this podcast, you can pick up a copy for a buck at Uh, all -

Maddox: (interjects) We'll link to that on the website.

Asterios: Oh, thank...I would appreciate that!

Dick: Yeah, of course.

Maddox: Do you have any samples from that?

Asterios: Yeah, exactly. For example, "Dresses His Baby Up For Attention Man" is in this book. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Ahh.

Maddox: Oh, I know that guy! They always put their baby in a little fedora, little douchebag glasses...

Asterios: Oh, with those little red shoes and all the little bow ties, it's the worst!

Maddox: They have their little Beats, their 300-dollar headphones for those little fuckers.

Dick: Hm.

Asterios: Yeah, exactly! "Vapes At Inappropriate Times Man." Uh, "Won't Stop Talking About His Rescue Dog Man."

Maddox: Oh, the worst! (laughing)

Asterios: "Underpays On Split Checks Man." All of the worst villains that you run into in your twenties. You can pick it up; you go to Just for this week, just for the listeners, just for a buck.

Maddox: A buck? Fuck you if you don't buy it. (Asterios laughs) How's that for a sales pitch? (chuckles)

Asterios: Oh, it's...that's awesome! Thank you!

Maddox: Maybe we should use that for Casper too. (closing riff starts) Anyway, thank you Asterios for flying in and surprising us, and Shifty Sean for keepin' a lid on this and letting us piss away two hours of this horseshit setting up! (yelling) (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: See you next Tuesday.

Asterios: See you next Tuesday! (Maddox laughs)

(Theme riff)


Voicemail (female caller): Hi guys! This is Lucy from Sydney, Australia.

Maddox: Whooa!

Voicemail: I just wanna say we're a huge fan of the show, and when I say "we" it's me and my friend. Um, the only problem that I have, and I know this is gonna sound stupid, but Sean...what does he look like? I haven't done a lot of online stalking, but...

Maddox: Oh my god.

Dick: Which means she has.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Voicemail: I don't have a clue what he looks like and it's kind of agitating, 'cause...I dunno, we're just intrigued I guess.

Dick: Do you hear how turned on this chick is?

Maddox: She sounds SO turned on.

Voicemail: So please post a photo of him on your site, um...or I'll just personally email him. (giggles)

Maddox: She sounds DEWY turned on. (chuckles)

Voicemail: Alright, thanks guys. Keep up the good work. Thanks, bye!

[message ends]

Dick: Sean, my iPad is slippery after playing that voicemail. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Gross, Dick!!

Dick: Can you believe how turned on that chick is? Oh my god!

Sean: What do I look like?

Maddox: Okay, you know what? Let's leave that to the...we posted a photo a long time ago. It was kind of like a little, uh, just a was a drive-by photo of you, Sean.

Sean: When I was opening my Butterfingers.

Maddox: Yeah! (cracks up)

Dick: You...yeah, you look like -

Sean: (interjects) That I got for Christmas shortly after I did...*something.*

Dick: You look like Richard Gere meets Donald Sutherland, I think.

Sean: That's a weird cross. Do you know who I get?

Dick: Who?

Sean: I've gotten really some weird, uh...people I don't even think look alike. I've gotten Richard Gere...

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: ...I've gotten Edward Norton, I've gotten, uh, Patrick Dempsey? And this is the funniest one, and actually I think may be the most accurate: I've gotten a young Alan Thicke. (Maddox laughs loudly)

Dick: Ohh, yeah! You DO kinda look like his kid, too!

Maddox: You know what, Dick? With the commemoration of our new fan art section, why don't we open this up to our fans? Why don't you illustrate what you think Sean looks like?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Why don't you post it in the fan art section?

Sean: I'm always a fat guy with sweatpants and a weed shirt! (irritated) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Yeah. It's the opposite!

Maddox: You do have kind of a fat voice.

Sean: I guess so, yeah.

Maddox: I don't know, I'm usually good at bein' able to pick out fatsos by their voice, but you kinda sound fa-...but you're not fat! You're not fat at all!

Sean: Thank you.

Maddox: That's weird, yeah. You're welcome!

Sean: I try very hard to stay in shape.

Dick: You're too skinny, actually.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You need to put some fat on. (Sean chuckles)

Maddox: Let's go get some burgers, guys. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): (slightly creepy voice) Hi Maddox. You received a voicemail a few weeks ago from somebody claiming to be a pansexual. (Maddox chuckles) Well, they were an imposter. I'm a REAL pansexual.

Maddox: See, I think I believe this guy.

Voicemail: I only have sex...with PANS.

Maddox: Oookay. (everyone else laughs)

Voicemail: Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 12-inch wood-handled Teflon-coated beauty that I have to get back to.

Maddox: You fuckin' nerd. (muttering) (Dick giggles)

Voicemail: (voice gets creepier) Don't wait up, Maddox. Bye!

[message ends]

(Maddox laughs)

Dick: You believe that guy?

Maddox: Uh...

Dick: 'Cause that... (cracks up)

Maddox: There's something goin' on with that guy. I don't know what it is. (Asterios laughs) I don't know what...I don't know if he's a pansexual, but he's some kinda sexual that I don't, uh, I'm not on board with. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Listen Maddox, I've smoked just about every day and I'll tell you what: I'll kick the SHIT outta you in some Street Fighter, buddy. Name the game, the time and the place . I'll be FUCKIN' there, bro.

[message ends]

Maddox: Wohohohohhh!

Asterios: You have to put this on Twitch!

Maddox: You're on, fuckface! Street Fighter Alpha! (yelling)

Dick: You're gonna challenge that guy?

Maddox: Let's do it, you're on! Street Fighter Alpha 2. Not 3, not...well, I'll do 1. But Street Fighter Alpha 1 or 2, you're fuckin' on. You're goin' down HARD.

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: You're goin' down harder than Dick's Titanic bit went down. (Asterios laughs) That's har-

Dick: (interjects) Oh, I think...I think it'll be back. (mischievously) (everyone laughs) After that retarded parenting problem you brought in.

Maddox: Oh, sorry. Yeah, sorry I didn't give enough good parenting advice like Zero-Child Dick Masterson, tellin' people how to raise their kids and how to discipline them!

Dick: You got a song?

Maddox: Uh, yeah! So this is sent in by Reverend Scott, Dick. He sent in a very special song for us. He composed this himself...or I think he used a song from someone else. By the way, this Reverend Scott, it's the guy who on Twitter sent us these clips, Dick. You remember these? (sound clip of Dick saying, "You know what? Maybe I AM a fuckin' idiot.) And... ( sound clip of Dick saying, "Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am.") (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, I remember those clips.

Maddox: You look SO unamused. That is, that Reverend Scott, it's @ReverendScott on Twitter. He sent in this song. Maybe you'll appreciate it, maybe not. Let's, uh, let's see.

Dick: I doubt it.

Maddox: It's actually a voicemail, so here you go. [plays Reverend Scott's message]

Reverend Scott (over voicemail): Hey there, Maddox and Dick! Ah shit, hold on. I can't have you complainin' about the quality of my phone call.

(electronic buzz sound)

Reverend Scott (into mic): There we go.

Dick: What the hell?

Reverend Scott: I forgot to turn off the "Made in China" button. (Maddox and Asterios laugh) Lemme give you a little background music.

(calm, pleasant acoustic guitar starts in background)

Dick: Whoa!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright! (hushed)

Reverend Scott: That's better. Hey guys, this is Reverend Scott. I've been listenin' since Episode 1, and with the exception of a few clips of Dick that I sent into the show, I'm not sure why I haven't really given you any feedback before, Maddox.

Maddox sound clip: "I don't know. I honestly don't fucking know." (Maddox chuckles)

Reverend Scott: Although mostly it's because I've been too busy watchin' Sean's ass videos.

Maddox sound clip: "Sean's ass video is an amazing big deal."

Reverend Scott: Those are JUICY. (Maddox laughs more)

Dick: Is he the Ministries of Christ? Is that what this is?

Reverend Scott: Anyway, I just wanted to drop in and let you know that just because no one held you guys accountable for some of the things that you said in the past, doesn't mean it's not a bigger problem than AIDS.

Dick sound clip: "What is your problem with AIDS?"

Reverend Scott: See what I mean, Maddox? (Maddox and Asterios laugh) At least you don't say shit like that.

Maddox sound clip: "What is your problem with AIDS?"

Reverend Scott: What? Whatever. Just...movin' on. I just wanted to bring up a little Dick versus Dick action from Episode 33... (Dick sighs exasperatedly) regards to a broken toy truck Dick purchased.

[clip from Episode 33 plays]

Dick: I'm sitting there cursing myself, cursing my life, wondering who I can blame for this...

Dick: Yeah! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: How about yourself?

Dick: ...trying to fix these shitty servos that are underneath the monster truck to get it working again, or to know, to get it working on Christmas Day again?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: What do I fuckin' see on the bottom of this thing? "Made in China."

Maddox: Oookay!

Dick: That's my problem!

Maddox: This took a twist. (laughing)

Dick: Made in China.

Maddox: Okay, your problem is...what is it? What's the -

Dick: (interjects) Made in China!

Maddox: No, there's a fallacy here.

Dick: Made in Fuckin' China. (Maddox, Dick and Asterios laugh)

Maddox: I need to look it up.

Dick: It's not a fallacy, it's Made in China! Shit that is made in China sucks.

Maddox: No, not always.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Dick: Not always? Get outta here, "not always."

[clip ends; second clip from Episode 33 plays]

Dick: I do think that everything that comes out of there that we get access to is garbage.

[clip ends]

Reverend Scott: Ten minutes later...

[third clip from Episode 33 plays]

Maddox: I mean, it's hard to make the case that just in general, as a blanket statement, all products coming from China are crap. Because we -

Dick: (interjects) I'm not saying it's all!! (Maddox, Dick and Asterios laugh loudly)

Maddox: Well, how -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, admit that I'm not saying it's all!

[clip ends]

Dick sound clip: "Oh my FUCKIN' god. Somebody fuckin' kill me with a knife made in China." (everyone laughs more)

Reverend Scott: Well, there you have it. Dick doesn't even know what the fuck he means.

Maddox sound clip: "Thanks for setting the record straight, Scott."

Dick sound clip: "Yeah! Thank you."

Reverend Scott: Hey, that's no problem, guys.

Dick: What?!

Maddox: I guess we said that in an episode.

Reverend Scott: Well anyway, congrats on your 50th episode. That's a huge accomplishment! Maddox, I figured you woulda strangled Dick to death during a Titanic clip by now.

Maddox: Almost!

Dick: Me too.

Reverend Scott: But maybe you're savin' that for the one-year show? Well anyway, I'm gettin' outta here. Peace and love, guys.

(guitar music fades out)

Maddox: (clapping sound effect)

Maddox sound clip: "I've been snacking on nuts all night. It's a big jerkoff that you do in your mouth."

[Reverend Scott track ends]

(everyone laughs more)

Maddox: Thank you, Reverend Scott.

Dick: Oh, he really WAS a reverend.

Maddox: (cracks up) No, that's just his name.

Dick: That guy plays guitar in church. I know he does. (Asterios laughs)

Maddox: I think he collaborated with someone online for that. Happy 50th, guys! Nailed it.

Asterios: Is that it?

Dick: Yeah!

Asterios: Happy 50th!!

(chairs moving; voices get further away)

Maddox: Holy shit, Asterios! Welcome, buddy! (grinning)

Asterios: Thank you!

Maddox: What a fuckin' good sneaky little trick. (laughs)

Dick: Buddyyyyy. (smiles)

Maddox: Sean, you kept a lid on this thing?

(voices fade out)