Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 43

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save 5$ off your first purchase.

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy!?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello.

Maddox: Ohhh, boy. I am glad to be back, Dick. I was in Utah this week.

Dick: Ohohooo.

Maddox: Yeah. And I was bitching about it before the show and you said, "You know what? Why don't you bring it in as a problem?" and I think will next week, 'cause I already got my problems this weeks.

Dick: Well, because it's a weird wonderland. Like, everything that you describe about Utah is just weird and bizarre and you can't imagine people living in such an environment.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Let alone thriving in it. This is their paradise. This is the paradise that they built for them…it actually makes me question my libertarian ideals. (Maddox and Sean laugh) That these assholes are in this state all on their own, inventing this awful utopia for themselves. I'm like…this…they shouldn't be allowed to do this.

Maddox: Dick, it's a dystopia. I…to be clear. It's definitely a dystopia. You know that world that I painted? That magical world about the Oculus Rift during the bonus episode? Utah is kind of like that, where on the surface everything looks cool and looks great but then underlying is just depression and suicide. Um, anyway, Dick. We also dropped our Live Episode #2 last week and the comments were overall, I would say, a little bit more positive.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Uh, not that I give a shit, 'cause it's fucking awesome and I don't give a shit what you guys think.

Dick: I give a shit.

Maddox: Yeah. About the comments?

Dick: Yeah. (grins) I care what people think about me.

Maddox: Oh yeah? (laughs)

Dick: I'm not one of these enlightened individuals who doesn't care. I actually care.

Maddox: I got a comment from Victor Risobreria. He says, "What the fuck is this shit? Unsubscrive." (Dick and Sean laugh)

Dick: With a v?

Maddox: With a v, yeah. (Dick laughs) Idiot.

Dick: Okay. (grins)

Maddox: Alright, see ya, moron. If you can't spell unsubscribe, do it. Um, go ahead and unsubscribe. I also got a comment…this is from the live episode. It's…Lyle Chipperson. He says, "I say the biggest problem is Faggox's erectile dysfunction."

Dick: Is that you or me?

Maddox: Who do you think Faggox is?

Dick: Oh, that's you.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Why do you have erectile dysfunction? Why does he think you have erectile dysfunction?

Maddox: I don't know. I don't know. I don't think he's ever seen me erect. Uh, his mom definitely. (Dick giggles) Um, and then…(giggles) from last…well, you got a comment.

Dick: Yeah, I have one from the live show, yeah. Uh, TPH7NS4. I don't know what that stands for. Might be the guy's license plate. Uh, "So why doesn't Dick get his own awesome throne?" KunalS3 goes, "Because he's an asswipe." (Maddox laughs) Pretty good.

Maddox: Yeah. Take that, Dick. Asswipe.

Dick: Did you have another one?

Maddox: Yeah. This one…

Dick: From the live show?

Maddox: This one's not from the live show.

Dick: Well, let's focus on the live show first, 'cause we gotta say…the next one's coming out, which I'm really excited about, because I loved our guest.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: On that one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…Ela Darling?

Maddox: Ela Darling. She's a porn star. I loved all our guests, but this one…this one…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, I really loved Ela.

Maddox: Okay, Dick. Here we go. Here we go. And you guys can see the uncomfortable flirting. If we didn't cut it out. We'll see. You know…(stammers)

Dick: It better not get cut, man. (grins)

Maddox: It's out by the time that this podcast is out, so, uh, you know. Watch it. Leave some comments. Or don't.

Dick: I'm gonna play that clip at my high school reunion. It's gonna be, "Look at this! Look at this flirting that's going on with me and this porn star! Awesome."

Maddox: Gross.

Dick: Uh, she's also…she's involved in making porn for the Oculus Rift.

Maddox: Oculus Rift, yeah.

Dick: Spoiler.

Maddox: Yeah. By the way, the HTC Vive has come out now. They're talking about that tech demo that just came out and people are saying the HTC Vive is next level. They're saying it's…they have laser sensors that you put on the wall that scan your body so that…you know the problem I said with the Oculus Rift is that your limbs aren't in the game?

Dick: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Maddox: This solves that problem and you're in the game. This is gonna be some next-level shit. I can't wait.

Dick: Oh, yeah. I hope it works as well as, uh…Siri does at voice recognition and, uh, the Kinect does at body-limb recognition, right?

Maddox: Well, yeah.

Dick: What other horseshit techno…the Power Glove? Remember that?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: What a revolution that was for video games playing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I can't wait to see this laser technology in action. (sarcastic)

Maddox: You know, Dick, you shit on pioneers…these pioneers of industry making new technology. The first fucking cell phones looked like bricks. They were like the Zack Morris phone in Saved By The Bell, but now look at 'em!

Dick: They were worse. My dad had one. He was a stockbroker, and it, like, filled up…it'd fill up the trunk of his car.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When he would make calls…he could only call, like a couple people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause only a couple people had them. But it…(unintelligible) Let's not get off into the weeds. What are you doing? Are you drawing pictures again?

Maddox: No, no. Don't worry about it.

Dick: Yeah. You're drawing pictures again over there.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Who…what about the problems from last week?

Maddox: The problems last week, Dick. So, the number one problem from last week was Student Loans…

Dick: Well.

Maddox: From…what?

Dick: Yeah! That's good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's to be expected.

Maddox: Well, it doesn't count.

Dick: It's a huge problem.

Maddox: Yeah, but it doesn't count.

Dick: No, I agree.

Maddox: Yeah. Alright, good.

Dick: Why don't you think it counts?

Maddox: Because it was…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, I'm sorry. What doesn't it count in, Maddox?

Maddox: It doesn't count for the number one problem.

Dick: What do you mean it doesn't count?

Maddox: It was from the…from the live show, so that doesn't count. The actual…the actual.

Dick: It doesn't count as a win.

Maddox: No…

Dick: Is that what you would say?

Maddox: It's not a win. It's not a win.

Dick: But what doesn't it count in, then? 'Cause it's on a list. It's on the top of a list. What do you mean, it doesn't count?

Maddox: The most number of votes. It didn't count as the most number of votes.

Dick: Oh, okay. Okay. (grins) I'm sorry, I almost misunderstood you.

Maddox: Yeah. So the real…so the real TOP…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Top ranking problem last week was Fit Shaming.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Congratulations.

Maddox: Thanks!

Dick: Congratulations. (grins)

Maddox: Thank you. Yeah.

Dick: On what? I don't know.

Maddox: I…(stammers) I don't know what you're congratulating me for.

Dick: Not a win.

Maddox: Not a win.

Dick: Right? Not a win.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Just congratulations.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh, too bad. Too bad, you know, too bad that Student Loans doesn't count in that because it was during the live episode. Then, Superbugs and Hotdog Truthers.

Dick: There's one more.

Maddox: Yeah, sorry. (sighs) Sorry, Dick. Oh, and the last one was People Who Complain About What Others Are Doing on Social Media. People didn't think that was a problem at all.

Dick: Yeah, that was…well, it's kinda convoluted, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it's like you're complaining about what people are complaining about who are complaining about people on social media.

Maddox: I guess. I mean, I don't…that's something I do all the time. I love complaining about what others are doing. Um, Dick, I got a comment about the Superbugs problem.

Dick: Oh, God. Is it my antibiotics/antibody fuckup?

Maddox: No, although that was hilarious. This one's from Ryan Okingus. And he said, "Here's a kicker for Dick. Manuka honey may be used in killing MRSA." Remember you said the problem was superbugs and you kept mentioning this methicillin-resistant staphylococcus?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? There's a study he linked to on It says, "Manuka honey inhibits cell division in methicillin-resistant staphylococcus." So…you were not only saying honey doesn't do anything, but now they're saying honey may actually be a cure to superbugs. And the results of the study say, "Statistically significant increased number of cells containing Septa and increased cell diameter were found in MRSA exposed to 5%, 10%, or 20% Manuka honey, but not 10% artificial honey without methylglyoxal."

Dick: Alright, well, I'm not eating honey.

Maddox: Oho.

Dick: To cure hay fever. If I get MRSA, I'll start eating honey.

Maddox: Good.

Dick: But I'm not eating it to cure my hay fever.

Maddox: You can just sit there and sneeze, like a little bitch. Um…anyway.

Dick: Hold on.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Dick. Antibiotics. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Antibiotics. Anti…biotics. (Dick: I really upset some people with that.)Antibiotics are drugs used to kill bacteria. (Dick: Okay.) Antibodies are what your body makes, specifically, what your immune system makes, in response to invasion.")

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: Huh.

(Voice mail continues: (whispers) "Go fuck yourself.")

Dick: Ahhh.

Maddox: (laughing) He snuck that in. (Dick giggles)

Dick: I think…I think that I did know that. I didn't say it right, obviously. I apologize if anyone was caused duress by my mistake, but it's clearly…I was wrong.

(Sound clip: Dick: "You know what? Maybe I am a fuckin' idiot.") (Maddox laughs)

Dick: You know that that was taken out of context, by the way? (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: It sounds like it.

Dick: That was…yeah, that was me imitating a woman being interviewed by a news reporter.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. So, much like your facts, it was taken out of context. Um, so…yeah. It sounds like…and the other one sounds like it was spliced from different audio clips, too. This one here.

(Sound clip: Dick: "Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am.")

Dick: That was the same thing.

Maddox: That was the same thing?

Dick: Yeah, that was me imitating someone being interviewed by the news.

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Dick: I would never say that by myself. Uh…I got some more voice mails here.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "This is a message for the Fan Versus Fan segment. I'd like to respond to that stupid son of a bitch who said that… (Maddox giggles) the listeners of this podcast are, in fact, themselves the biggest problems in the universe and some of the worst human beings ever. That guy's a fucking cocksucker!! (Dick guffaws) I hope he gets skin cancer and dies!!!" (Maddox laughs)

Dick: So, you know. Point, counterpoint. There you go.

Maddox: Was that a response to one of the comments, or something we said?

Dick: No, a guy called in with a voice mail saying that the fans of the show are the biggest problem.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah. That was hilarious.

Dick: He was saying that they were violent people. And they're bad people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So that guy called in with a response.

Maddox: Well, uh, you shut him up by calling him a cocksucker and hoping that he dies. That's pretty funny.

Dick: Yeah. Uh…

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Uh, hi. I'm just calling in to say that Dick is just a giant fucking asshole. Like, all of his problems suck. (Maddox laughs) He's not good at defending any of his problems, and I think Maddox has the best problems in the universe. All Dick does is has stupid fucking gimmicks that have people vote up his problems. (Dick: Gimmicks!? (incredulous) Maddox: Gimmicks!!!) Fuck you and your Titanic, Dick. ( Maddox: Yeah.) And, by the way. Fuck you, Dick.") (Maddox laughs)

Sean: Hey, that sounded like a compliment, though. He said, "Fuck you and your titanic dick."

Dick: Oh, yeah, that's true!

Maddox: No, no. Sean!!! No!!

Dick: That's true, Sean, good point!

Maddox: No, Sean. That's cheating! That doesn't count. We're comma splicing, here. Look. That guy made a point. The guy made a good point. Lot of gimmicks. People vote up your problems sometimes 'cause of the gimmicks.

Dick: Yeah, hey. Speaking of gimmicks. Trarck Dev says, "Dick, how about bringing in Maddox is too much of a pussy to watch Titanic as a problem?"

Maddox: Too much of a pussy? (incredulous)

Dick: "It was pathetic enough he caved in and promised to watch it, but now he won't keep his word."

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, my….

Dick: What do you…'cause you did say you watched it. I don't know conclusively that you did or didn't.

Maddox: Oh, I definitely…I definitely watched it, guys! You fucking idiots! Of course I didn't watch it, you morons! That was a lie, just to…I'm gonna lie my way out of this bit. Take that, you idiots!

Dick: That's not…that's very uncharacteristic of you, though. (Maddox laughs) To lie.

Maddox: Yeah. You know what?

Dick: And you're not good at it. You got caught immediately.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't care. Whatever. And you…you gave me the most softball questions, too. To prove that I watched the Titanic. (laughing)

Dick: "On a show discussing serious problems, we can't have the main host be a pussy liar." I don't know, man. That's what this guy's saying. Bring it in.

Maddox: Uh, yeah. Okay guys. You know…this is…this is self preservation. That's what that was.

Dick: What is?!

Maddox: I did what I had to do to preserve myself. My dignity. My honor.

Dick: Wait, how did…by what?

Maddox: By lying about seeing the Titanic. I'm never gonna watch the Titanic. Never! I will never fucking watch it! I will take that to my grave.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I have had…I have had girls who wouldn't put out 'cause I wouldn't watch Titanic. It's like, "See ya, hottie!" I don't give a shit!

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Yeah. What?

Dick: I would never do that.

Maddox: You would never put out?

Dick: No, I'll watch whatever.

Maddox: You'll…yeah. See?? That's the difference.

Dick: You can just think about other shit while it's on TV.

Maddox: I just won…I won't watch it, man. It's just…because I made a promise.

Dick: Wait, wait. Can you stop drawing pictures? (Maddox laughs) Like, you're clearly not paying attention to what I'm talking about.

Maddox: No, no. I am. I am.

Dick: You're totally not! You're drawing pictures!

Maddox: It's a real sloppy vampire I just drew.

Dick: Alright. Uh, Handy Andy Pandy says, "Dick, what you mentioned already exists." Remember that fat…fat Photoshopping idea that I had?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where you Photoshop fat people skinny to, like, give them inspiration?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: It already exists on Reddit. It's called Fatsoshop.

Maddox: Really?!?! (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I brought in some pictures of it, too. You wanna see 'em?

Maddox: Yeah. Let's see it.

Dick: So, alright. Here is a fat girl that was Photoshopped to be skinny.

Maddox: Okay, so. I'm looking at this picture of this…wow, she looks really…

Dick: Like a sequined walrus on the left. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Ookay. (chuckles)

Dick: She's wear…Sean, look. Tell me that's not accurate. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah…

Dick: That's a sequined walrus.

Maddox: She's wearing…she's wearing, like, a party dress. Like a going out party dress. I don't know why…it's, like, a daytime photo.

Dick: It's like a sparkly mermaid has fucked a walrus, there.

Maddox: Oookay, Dick. (chuckles) I'm sure that's how she likes to be described. And then, uh…the Photoshopped version of her, she's really skinny looking and kinda svelte and uh…she looks like she has normal body proportions. Yeah.

Dick: Do you think that would be inspirational?

Maddox: Not to me…

Dick: If you were that woman?

Maddox: I don't know, man. I mean, inspirational or…

Dick: 'Cause that one's hot.

Maddox: I guess, but if someone did that...

Dick: You guess?!

Maddox: Well, yeah. But if this woman asked the person to Photoshop her body, fine, sure. But if someone did that and just came over and said, "Hey, look. Look at what I made. You could look like this." I'd say, "Fuck you. Don't worry about it."

Dick: How about this one? Look at that.

Maddox: Dick's showing a picture of a girl. She says, "Fat is the new black." She's wearing…

Dick: (interjects) And she is fat.

Maddox: Yeah. She's…yeah, she's pretty curvy. She's curvy plus. I would say that she's just a little bit over-curvy. Um, and then the skinny one…yeah, she has this thigh gap, which I think is ridiculous.

Dick: Oh, so you don't think that's hot?

Maddox: No, she's hot.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Alright, I got one more.

Maddox: Expect something…some kind of scam coming.

Dick: No, no. It's not a scam. (grins)

Maddox: Oh no?

Dick: How about that?

Maddox: Okay…(cracks up) This is a picture of a fat cat laying down.

Dick: Cat.

Maddox: And then a skinny cat next to it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I guess you're right. I don't think that cat would lose weight.

Maddox: No, I don't think so. Alright, Dick. You got any more voice mails, or should we get to the problems?

Dick: Uh…I got some…yeah, I got one more voice mail I'm gonna play.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey, what's up guys? This is Erik calling from Sweden. First of all, I'd like to congratulate Maddox on being able to become an extreme athlete finally after all these years. You know, I hope you stay with us a little bit longer until you go onto your virtual boy masturbation world. (Dick and Maddox crack up) Secondly, I would like to bring in a problem. This is a big one. Uncomfortable underwear. I mean, when your entire body's at peace, but for some reason you have to keep scratching your ass or scratching your crotch…I mean, it's ridiculous. And also, this can get you into big problems as well, like, if you hang around playgrounds a lot, all of a sudden you're being raped in prison for being a sex offender. (Dick: What?!) And people like Maddox are looking around for….(unintelligible) Anyway, that's my problem. Dick, why don't you go…hug yourself. Because you're an amazing person and that's why we all love you.")

Dick: Ugh, okay.

Maddox: Barf.

Dick: Thank you.

Maddox: Guy just about asked you on a date. Uh, yeah, you know, it's interesting. I actually wrote copy for an underwear company.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah, a long time ago. I wrote some copy. They hired me to write some copy. I was like, "Yeah, fuck it."

Dick: What did you write?

Maddox: Uh, just a bunch of over-the-top manly fucking shit that was awesome, and then they came back and said, "Well, you know, we don't want to associate danger with our product." I'm like, "Alright!!" (Dick guffaws) Then do what you want. Change it how you want.

Dick: With their underwear product?

Maddox: Yeah. I made it sound like there was risk of dying by wearing this underwear.

Dick: Like what?

Maddox: I don't remember. It was something like…there…it was something like put the danger in your pants, or something like that. They said, "We…uh, uh…(stammers) we want it to be more fun! We wanted a fun brand, not a danger brand."

Dick: A fun brand?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For men's underwear?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: They know who they hired, right?

Maddox: Yeah. I was like, "Alright, print what you want, guys."

Sean: Just saying.

Maddox: "You know what you want? You're the writer? Or am I the writer? Oh, you're the New York Times bestseller? Oh, okay. Then go ahead. Why don't you write your own copy."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Figure it out.

Dick: Sounds cool.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh! I got this to bring in. So you remember your problem Fit Shaming, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um, this comes in from Johnny Davis. You brought in Maria Kang as an example.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Of someone fit.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Well this guy says, "People were pissed at her because she's a fitness instructor. So her job is working out." Remember how you said she spends eight hours a day working?

Maddox: Ohhhh.

Dick: Yeah. That's her…her job is basically living in a gym.

Maddox: Was she before, or did she become one after?

Dick: Lemme…lemme read you this girl's profile.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Alright? I went on her site.

Maddox: Oh. Yeah.

Dick: I'm not gonna read you the whole thing, 'cause it's awful.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But here's…here's just the sentence. Um, from her site. Maria Kang. "Wife." This is in order. "Wife. Mother. Author."

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Dick: She's an author. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Speaker."

Maddox: Ohh.

Dick: Got a lot of things already.

Maddox: Yeah. Got a lot of words on her mind.

Dick: Business owner.

Maddox: Okay. (grins)

Dick: This is legit…this is listed as a thing that she does.

Maddox: Uh-huh. She's a business owner.

Dick: She calls herself a business owner.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Specifi…like, when you go to, like, Warren Buffet's website. Business owner. (Maddox laughs) That's what he calls himself. "Business owner". (grins) "Nonprofit founder."

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Dick: Okay? "Fitness philanthrophist."

Maddox: Philanthropist.

Dick: Philanthropist.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Fitness Philanthropist.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: What do you suppose that is?

Maddox: Um, so she gives away fitness? Like, what does that…I don't know what that means. Oh, she donates…she probably donates hours of…

Dick: She tells people how to work out.

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Okay?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: She's sharing her expertise. Nothing wrong with that.

Dick: And "Social Entrepreneur".

Maddox: Social Entrepreneur. What does that mean?

Dick: So a business…an entrepreneur would be starting businesses, right?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: She's a social entrepreneur. She starts…conversations. (Maddox laughs) (Sean laughs) So, basically, this chick sits around, gabs all day, and fills out forms to start businesses.

Maddox: Well, that's how you characterize her, Dick.

Dick: Real great role model. (sarcasm)

Maddox: Yeah. That's how you characterize her. To me, she sounds like a hardworking mother who lost a lot of weight and she posted that picture online. Which a lot of people hated. So a lot of people…actually, a few people in the Comments Section said, "Hey Maddox, didn't you write this article about "Don't Inspire Someone"?" This article titled "Don't Inspire Someone", where I talked about how people who try to inspire other people shouldn't because they have no fucking idea what it takes to inspire someone, usually.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Inspiration usually happens unintentionally. You don't go out to necessarily inspire someone unless you have a good track record of doing that, like, Tony Robbins, like, he goes around doing inspirational speeches or whatever.

Dick: I mean, does he?

Maddox: He does, yeah.

Dick: Like…but does he inspire people?

Maddox: Abso…yeah, I've met people who've gone to Tony Robbin's talks and they have changed their lives after the fact.

Dick: Huh. I guess so.

Maddox: But, uh…people who try to inspire others. And I said, "Yeah, you know what? This is actually an argument in favor of my point. " This supports the point that I was making. That you shouldn't try to inspire people. I think that's…it's not inconsistent with Fit Shaming. You can still…this woman's being fit shamed, but the people who were criticizing her weren't criticizing her for her attempts at inspiration. They were criticizing her for being fit. They said, "Oh, well, you know, not everyone's born with the same genes. Uhhh, some people have jobs. Bla bla bla bla bla."

Dick: I just…I think it's a little…uh, offputting to be a fitness instructor and get on the Internet and tell, like, "What's your excuse?" That attitude is very offputting.

Maddox: I mean, yeah, it is offputting, Dick. I'm not gonna argue that. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: She didn't do a good job. If she was trying to inspire people, she didn't do a good job.

Dick: She really fucked up. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Although, I don't know, man. I'm sure, reading the comments, there would be some people who say, "Yeah, she inspired me to lose weight." Yeaaaaah…it's probably more negative than positive.

Dick: It seems like she's preaching to the choir, I think is my problem with it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, it seems like she's just showing off for people who are already fit.

Maddox: Maybe.

Dick: Yeah. Um, I got one more. Stephen Joseph Musgrove II says, "Maddox seems recently enlightened with his Oculus Rift experience."

Maddox: No!!!!!

Dick: Isn't that…you don't think there's any truth in that?!?

Maddox: No. Enlightened as to what? What's the philosophy that I got enlightened about, dickhead?

Dick: Well, your, like, whole "What is life?" thing? Your whole, like, "What is life?" and "My master race of programmers that are gonna be watching movies by themselves and virtual reality."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You were really proselytizing this Oculus Rift experience.

Maddox: Right, because the experience…it's going to change the world, for sure.

Dick: But that's what people who are enlightened say.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Like, "This is gonna change…" "This diet. This holistic diet is gonna change your life." Or "The Pilates/spin class will change your life!" "Oculus Rift will change your life!" That's what he's saying.

Maddox: Dick, I have not gleaned any new information necessarily from the Oculus Rift. It didn't inspire me with some kind of philosophy. It didn't instill some philosophy into me. What happened was that I saw this technology and I see the potential, and I see where the human race is going. That's it.

Dick: That's it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: There's nothing enlightening about it.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Maybe a little bit!? (raises voice)

Maddox: You know what, Dick?!!?

Dick: Could be…(laughing)

Maddox: You fuck! I didn't bring in Recently Inspired People. That's not my problem. That was Whitney's problem!

Dick: Recently Enlightened People.

Maddox: Go vote it down, people!

Dick: Yeah, but you were on board! (laughing)

Maddox: No! Bullshit. I don't give a shit.

Dick: Alright. You wanna do a problem?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, go ahead.

Maddox: Alright. My first problem this week is People Who Turn Left.

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: Huh?

Dick: Yeah, that's a good problem.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Yeah, damn right that's a good problem. People who turn left are idiots. Morons. Suckers. Um, this is from USA Today. You know, three years ago…this is an actual quote from the article.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: "Three years ago, a retailer, UPS…" for those who aren't in American, that sounds for United Parcel System.

Dick: Parcel? Yeah.

Maddox: Anyway. UPS…

Sean: (interjects) Service. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Oh, United Parcel Service.

Sean: United Parcel Service.

Dick: Hey guys, we did it! We did it. All three of us, we got it.

Maddox: (laughing) Teamwork. Who cares? Um, it's…they're the brown company. Anyway, um. "The retailer deployed software from a division of UPS to design routes to maximize the number of deliveries on each while minimizing time and distance. One trick they use? Restrict left-hand turns."

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Office Depot also did this. They now make 180 to 200 deliveries instead of 125 to 135 over the same distance.

Dick: Whoa!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a big jump.

Maddox: That's a big jump, yeah. It's almost double in some instances.

Dick: Just because they gave up making left turns.

Maddox: Yeah. This is from Bloomberg. It says, "UPS makes no left turns in quest to deliver sustainability. As you make a left turn in the US…" This is someone…a spokesperson for UPS who says, "As you make a left turn in the US, you sit at a light and you have to idle a lot. You waste a lot of fuel sitting and idling. With our routing technology and better driving, we avoided 98 million minutes of idle time last year."

Dick: Holy shit.

Maddox: 98 million minutes. Those are countless lifetimes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, not countless, but…anyway. Several lifetimes, to be sure.

Dick: Definitely, you could count them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But it's a lot.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) It's a lot. It's significant. Um, this is from the Washington Post. This article they wrote called, "The Case For Almost Never Turning Left While Driving". This is the one that sounds …(unintelligible).

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: It says, "UPS has chosen to minimize and sometimes eliminate left-hand turns to be more efficient. The company says that the changes have helped save millions of gallons of fuel." And it goes on, "Federal data have shown…" Okay, so not only is it inefficient to turn left, it's pointless, and it's dangerous. "Federal data has shown that 53.1% of crossing path crashes involve left turns, but only 5.7% involve right turns. That's almost ten times as many crashes involving left turns as right turns."

Dick: That makes sense.

Maddox: Ten times!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Can you believe that, Dick? So, you are ten times more likely to get into a fatal car crash, or any kind of car crash if you were turning left than if you were turning right.

Dick: I would…I'm surprised it's not higher.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause you're not…you're making a right turn. What's the worst thing that could happen, you get rear-ended?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, you get rear-ended. A lot of times what happens when you're making a right turn is that the driver's looking left to see oncoming traffic to see when it's clear and they're not looking right to see if any pedestrians or cyclists are crossing, and they might hit them.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, so that's what happens with right-hand turns. But people say, (goofy voice) "Well, Maddox, what am I supposed to do if I can't turn left?" Idiot. Go past the block that you want and then make three right turns.

Dick: So, wait a minute. Are you gonna start doing this now?

Maddox: I already…

Dick: (interjects) To boost your efficiency?

Maddox: Well, I'm exempt, I feel…(Dick laughs)

Dick: Oookay.

Maddox: No, no. no. Here's the thing.

Dick: You're entitled to left turns.

Maddox: I use my judgment. I use free left turns. So, if I need to turn left, I don't turn left until I absolutely have to, or if I get a free left turn. Now here's what I define as a free left turn.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: If you're going through an intersection and it's about to turn red. It goes from green to yellow, right?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And if you're about to cross through that intersection and it turns yellow, that's a free left turn. Quickly, boost into the left turn lane and then turn left because you don't wait and oncoming traffic has to yield to you.

Dick: Yeah. Is UPS allowed to do that?

Maddox: UPS…(chuckles)

Dick: (interjects) Like, cut across three lanes…

Maddox: Look. UPS drivers aren't paid to think, alright? They're paid to deliver. (Dick laughs) Don't worry about that.

Sean: Oh, I've seen 'em do it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You've seen 'em bomb across three lanes?

Sean: Oh, they drive those things…they drive those things like rally cars.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, they do.

Maddox: Yeah, but generally, Dick, I avoid left-hand turns. I absolutely do. And that's how I get where I'm going faster than most people.

Dick: I've never seen you make three rights, though. 'Cause that's the…in this world you're talking about with all right turns, everyone would be making three rights all the time, right?

Maddox: Ugh. Dick, Dick, Dick. My simple friend. (Dick guffaws) I…(laughs) I have deployed advanced driving maneuvers! I…(Dick still laughing) I no longer…I no longer have to make right turns or left turns. I flip a bitch.

Dick: What?

Maddox: Yeah, that's right. I make a right and then flip a bitch!

Dick: That HAS to be more dangerous than left turns.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: A U-turn in the middle of the street?!!?

Maddox: To an unskilled driver, sure. (grins)

Dick: Oooookay. (skeptical)

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: I do the exact same thing.

Maddox: Yeah!! (Dick laughs) That's right, Sean!

Sean: I don't think it's more dangerous.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Yeah, and your car is banged up. (grins)

Sean: I have been hit. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Sean: I have been hit and nothing has ever been my fault.

Maddox: Hit by suckers, right?!

Sean: No, well…one woman tried to make a U-turn from a parked position to immediately go out the other way?

Maddox: Yeah, I've done that.

Sean: And just, like, T-boned me from…yeah, no, it was colossally stupid on her part.

Dick: There you go.

Sean: I have no idea how she didn't look before she pulled an incredibly illegal maneuver.

Maddox: Well, that's the thing. If you look…you pay attention…look, Dick. I have transcended red lights.

Dick: Oh yeah?

Maddox: In my driving…yeah. I don't stop at red lights anymore. I don't have to. If I'm in a hurry, I take a right, flip a bitch. I go through back alleys. I go through parking lots if I have to. I go through other people's driveways if I have to.

Dick: Houses.

Maddox: Oh, I will….well, no. Not houses, yet. But, I have found ways around traffic that are unconventional. Perhaps illegal, I don't know. I don't know. But you gotta have some balls to do what I do. And you have to be a real good driver.

Dick: Yeah. Do you have any interest in, like, the hypermiler club? Have you ever heard of those guys?

Maddox: Oh, I have. No, those guys are extreme.

Dick: You don't like the…they're TOO extreme for you.

Maddox: They're too extreme for me, yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it sounds like never stopping. Like, the shark method of driving that you're describing?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where you never stop.

Maddox: Never stop.

Dick: 'Cause you'll die.

Maddox: No need to.

Dick: Uh, it sounds like something they would do.

Maddox: Stopping is for suckers. Taking left-hand turns is for suckers. "A study by New York City Transportation Planners concluded that the left-hand turns were three times as likely to cause deadly crash involving a pedestrian as right-hand turns, and 36% of fatal accidents involving a motorcycle involve a left-hand turn in front of a motorcycle according to the National Highways…"

Dick: (interjects) Oh, really. (surprised)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. According to National Highway Traffic Safety Association.

Dick: Oh, I could see that.

Maddox: Yeah. And it goes on, man. It says "We could save lives by restricting left turns, but we're unwilling to sacrifice what we see as a needed convenience. Even if you discount the safety concerns, the efficiency of turning left is questionable." And then they go on to site that UPS study where they rerouted…they retooled their routing software?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: To avoid left-hand turns.

Dick: But they're…that is you. What they're describing there, because of our entitlement to convenience. They're describing you.

Maddox: What are you talking about?

Dick: Right? You said you're not gonna give up left turns 'cause you're above the system.

Maddox: I don't turn left and I don't turn right. I flip a bitch if I have to and I get exactly where I'm going.

Dick: Flipping a bitch is two left turns.

Maddox: Eh, not really.


Maddox: It's one continuous motion. It's a U.

Sean: No, it can be a right and a left, also. Like, if you're going straight, say you're going south?

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: You make a right-hand turn on the next street, flip an immediate bitch.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: But you just said you're not giving up your…I don't believe that you're never making left turns again.

Maddox: I don't make left turns, I go straight. And I have started to avoid intersections with lights. I will go to the intersections…I used to think that intersections with lights were the best thing, because you were guaranteed a turn through if you needed to, right?

Dick: Yeah, I think that.

Maddox: Especially across…I no longer think that. Because of the app…the app Waze, you know Waze, the navigation software?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If you guys aren't familiar with it, Waze. Especially if you live in a big city. Look it up. Waze is an incredible GPS navigation device that routes you around traffic, but it also has done efficiency testing for routes and it finds that if you go straight through heavily-trafficked intersections as opposed to turning left or right, you will save way more time.

Dick: As opposed to turning left or right, what do you mean?

Maddox: So, if you go through a heavily-trafficked intersection that has a light…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Like Hollywood and Highland.

Maddox: Sure. That's a very busy intersection in California.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Um, if you…instead of going through that intersection, if you go one street over and avoid the light, even though you're crossing four or five lanes of heavy traffic, you will still go through faster than if you waited at the light.

Dick: Oh. Yeah, I don't like the way Waze makes you go left on, like, five-lane roads.

Maddox: A lot of people don't. Mhmm. You get nervous, don't you?

Dick: No, it's just too much activity while I'm driving. I wanna kind of zone out and just make a left and not think about it and idle at the light.

Maddox: Well, uh, there you have it, folks. Dick's the problem we have traffic. 'Cause a lot of people think like you, Dick. They get nervous. They don't wanna think about it.

Dick: I didn't say I was nervous. (grins)

Maddox: Well.

Dick: I said I just wanna zone out.

Maddox: Yeah, they wanna zone out.

Dick: I don't wanna think about it that much. It's not nervousness.

Maddox: Yeah. With me, it's war. My heart rate….

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, so, who the fuck's nervous? It's you.

Maddox: I'm not nervous.

Dick: Your pulse is pounding!

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause I'm angry! I'm angry at everybody else idling through life! I think that if everybody just stepped on it, look…get rid of your brakes. You don't need to stop, ever. Just keep going, always. I don't like to touch my brakes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Not necessary. The rest of this goes on. It says, "Engineers even hate left-hand turns." This guy named Tom Vanderbilt, he wrote a book called "Traffic". He said, "It's either a car stopped in an inactive traffic lane waiting to turn left, or, even worse, it's cars in a dedicated left turn lane, that when traffic is heavy enough, requires its own dedicated signal phase, lengthening the delay for through traffic, as well as cross-traffic, and when traffic volumes really increase, as in the junction of two suburban arterials, multiple left turn lanes are requiring, costing even more space and money."

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Left turn lanes are a problem, Dick. They may be the biggest problem in the universe.

Dick: Yeah. But, I'm thinking about my favorite left turn lanes. Right? 'Cause I love that…

Maddox: (laughs) I'm sure you have 'em, too!

Dick: Of course I do!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, 'cause I spent…I grew up in my hometown, I spent a lot of years there. I learned to drive there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it's not a city grid. Like LA is a grid. New York is a grid. You can miss big turns and make a bunch of rights or get on a podcast and say that you make a bunch of rights, even though you definitely don't. (Maddox laughs) But in, like, anywhere that's not a big city, you kinda gotta have a left turn. Like, there's…Sean, you know there's an intersection. There's a very specific intersection. I think it's, um…it's right next to the McDonald's. Is it Solidad and…

Sean: Bouquet?

Dick: Bouquet? It's an intersection in the town where I grew up.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: And if you don't make that left, there is no ability to make a bunch of rights to get around…'cause there's a mountain on one side of the intersection.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And a canal on the other.

Maddox: Alright, Dick.

Dick: You see what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah

Dick: So what do we do, Maddox?

Maddox: Okay. (grins)

Dick: How do you not stop that? You go…you flip a bunch of bitches down the road, or…?

Maddox: Here's the problem. You're going to McDonald's.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Okay? That's the problem. Don't go to McDonald's. Then you don't have to worry about that left-hand turn. Go someplace that doesn't require you to take a left-hand turn. Or, here's the thing. If you're surrounded by mountains and canals, it sounds like traffic really isn't fucking heavy in that region.

Dick: Of course it is. That's a real city. That's a city.

Maddox: Ugh. It doesn't sound like it, if there's mountains around.

Sean: Wait. And you didn't say you were going to McDonald's.

Dick: No, I didn't say I was going to McDonald's.

Sean: Just that it was a left turn.

Dick: He's just assassinating my character, 'cause that's how he argues. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You like McDonald's!

Dick: Me and my gimmicks, over here. (grins)

Maddox: You fuckin'!! Ohhhhhhhh, Dick! You…

Dick: It's a landmark!

Maddox: What, McDonald's?

Dick: Yeah. It exists.

Maddox: Okay. (Dick giggles) I wish it didn't. But here's the thing, Dick. If the traffic…look. This isn't a general rule. Sometimes you can't avoid a left. If there's nothing else for miles and miles…you gotta turn left, I guess. Or plan ahead and maybe turn left…you know what you can do, is you can go past the turn that you need to make, and go through the median.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: Do that.

Dick: I'm about to blow your mind.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: You ready for this?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Three little words.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Roundabout.

Maddox: Yeeeeaaaaah. Okay.

Dick: Okay? Where my sister lives, this little town in Indiana.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They…their mayor…very progressive guy.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: A lot like you, probably.

Maddox: Well. (grins)

Dick: He took out all the intersections and replaced them with roundabouts.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: So there's no stop signs. There is no left turns.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He's killed the left turn.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You get into that roundabout and you're slinging around to go to the other side…dude, you never have to stop in this town. You can get buzzed, throw a couple of beers in you, head home at, like…

Maddox: (laughs) Okay, you're losing everyone, Dick.

Dick: Okay, wait. Respond to the first part that I said and then I'll get to the bombing around town feeling like you are totally invincible, 'cause there's no stop signs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You never have to stop!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can even go…you can even hook the thing in the middle. The little grass part in the middle…

Maddox: Yeeeeeeah!

Dick: The little patio, like, if you time it right, you don't even have to slow down. You can just clip that thing a little bit and jump over it.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, and it slows you down!

Dick: Well, it's…you know, it's an obstacle that you're running over.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: But if you cut the corner right, you don't have to slow down to make the roundabout thing.

Maddox: Oh, that's brilliant.

Dick: You see what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: You just hop over.

Maddox: Hop over the…yeah. Woooowww. Okay.

Dick: You'd love it.

Maddox: I'm on board…that's actually true. There have been efficiency studies. Mythbusters even did an episode about this. They were trying to decide whether or not four-way stops or roundabouts were faster. Roundabouts BLEW it out of the water.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Roundabouts are a potential solution to left-hand turns.

Sean: Because nobody knows when to go at a four-way stop. They don't know the order.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Maddox: If people aren't paying attention…you know, Sean, if I get to a four-way stop and it's someone else's turn, by they're not looking up or they didn't see me, I just fucking blast right through 'em.

Sean: That's for stop signs, I should say.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Not lights, I guess.

Dick: How much time do you give them to figure out that move, Maddox?

Maddox: About a second. One second is their limit.

Dick: Half of a millisecond?

Maddox: (laughing) Especially if they're…if they are on their cell phone, I will slowly turn left and flip them off and honk to make sure they look up…(Dick chuckles), like, "Hey, idiot!" I'm sure half the time they don't even know why I'm flipping them off. They're fucking idiots. Anyway, Dick. Yeah. Roundabouts…Roundabouts are…

Dick: Yeah. That's a big solution.

Maddox: We should bring that in as a solution. Yeah.

Dick: Well, I kinda blew my wad here, though.

Maddox: Yeah, you blew your wad.

Dick: But it's…I remember driving around there thinking how excited you would be that not only do you not have to slow down…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But everybody is a better driver.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: With the roundabouts.

Maddox: Absolutely.

Dick: 'Cause they're terrified of them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So they start thinking when they approach them.

Maddox: Now, I should say this, Dick. UPS did this…this route alternation where they made their routes avoid left-hand turns. They said that that only applies to commercial area. So generally, if you're in a commercial area…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's the only time you should avoid left-hand turns. If you're in a residential area, there isn't a lot of traffic around, you're just coming to a bunch of dead intersections 'cause you're living in a fucking cul-de-sac somewhere, who knows. Um, that's when you can turn left and it doesn't matter.

Dick: Anywhere between LA and New York.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Anywhere between those two places. (Maddox laughs) How do you feel about one-way streets?

Maddox: Um…man.

Dick: They're conducive to right turns only.

Maddox: They are. They are. Um, I'm okay with them, except for cities that go nuts with them. Oregon…Portland, Oregon is one of 'em.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: San Diego is another one, where it almost becomes impossible to get where you're going, because you have to know…you have to live there and you have to memorize which streets are up and down. And it's not every other one, sometimes. They don't stagger them like they should. Sometimes it's, like, three in a row are one way.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'm like, "Well what the fuck am I supposed to do here?" Just…I gotta punch this in the GPS again, now there's a bridge in my fucking way! I don't know where the fuck I'm going. I just go home. That's what I do. I pack up my car and go home. Not coming to Comic-Con this year! Sorry guys, I can't figure out how to get anywhere in this fuckin' city! Anyway, Dick. That's my problem. People Who Turn Left. Left-hand Turns.

Dick: Well, wait. People Who Turn Left? Or Left-hand Turns.

Maddox: People Who Turn Left.

Dick: So in your ideal world, would it be illegal? 'Cause remember, right on red was illegal at one point.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Would left on green be illegal?

Maddox: It should be…you should be made fun of. Made to feel small.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: You should be belittled, and you should…there should be…it should be like a shame response. Like, people who turn left should be shamed. There should be people who mock them and make them feel small.

Dick: Car manufacturers should build it into the car when you activate your left turn signal. It should just scream "I have a small cock!" (Maddox laughs) Like a siren.

Maddox: Or maybe just like…instead of a little "tick-tock" noise, just "idiot". "Idiot". "Idiot".

Dick: (laughs) Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. That'd be great. Um, yeah. My left-hand turn signal, by the way. I bet that light's practically brand new. You could probably sell that thing on E-Bay.

Dick: 'Cause you don't signal?

Maddox: No, I never signal left. 'Cause I'm never turning left.

Dick: Oh, God. Alright.

Maddox: That's my problem, Dick. People Who Turn Left. Idiots. (sighs)

Dick: Alright, my problem…I don't know what to call this problem. Uh, you wanna help me out with this one?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's an update about my man. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Okay. And you'll have to give everyone a recap of your man.

Dick: Yeah, my man is, um…my…in some cultures they call them a valet.

Maddox: (laughing) Oh, yeah.

Dick: I don't wanna say butler, 'cause I think that's a bit demeaning for how important he was in my life.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I met a man at Burning Man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Whom I brought home with me.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles) Yeah, uh…

Dick: Just, you know, to hang out at my appointment. He was having a rough time at home.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: His girlfriend had just cheated on him a bunch of times. He just found out about it. Uh, he didn't have a job. He's…

Maddox: You brought home a homeless person.

Dick: I guess, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who camped out in your living room for, like, a month.

Dick: Yeah, and watched, uh…Breaking Bad and Bojack Horseman.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Instead of getting a job.

Maddox: Instead of getting a job.

Dick: Um, he's a great guy, though. But, you know…he's…he's my man.

Maddox: He's your man. (laughs)

Dick: He's my…I would refer to him, like, who's this guy that is sleeping in your apartment and hanging out with you all the time? Like, he's just my man.

Maddox: Don't worry about it. He's walking around…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah. Don't worry about it.

Maddox: In his tightie-whities, making eggs for you. That sort of thing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know. If he thinks I need some eggs made for me, he would do that. (Maddox chuckles) That's what a man does for you.

Sean: Is that a euphemism?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't know, Sean. Uh, he's there to anticipate your needs.

Maddox: Uh-huh. (grins)

Dick: Do you see what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Not in a sexual way.

Maddox: Yeah. Would he…would he shave for you, Dick, if he needed to?

Dick: Ooh. That's a good point. I'll tell you…I'll tell you what he would use, though. (Maddox laughs) If he was shaving me. Because today's show is brought to you by Harry's. (Maddox laughs) Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save 5$ off of your first purchase. Do you…so, Maddox and I were sent Harry's shave kits to use.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I still use mine.

Maddox: I still use mine, too.

Dick: Yeah. I'm saying this honestly, it did have a significant impact in my life, because I shave now, all the time, 'cause I don't wanna look like a bearded fuck.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that's what's in style now. To look sloppy.

Maddox: Beards are pretty cool. They don't always look sloppy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But I do use it all the time.

Maddox: Yeah, no. I use mine to trim my beard. Uh, those blades…I don't know what they make them…like, titanium or something, but my whiskers are pretty fuckin' tough, and normal blades only last, like, two or three shaves before I have to throw them out. These Harry's ones have lasted me weeks and weeks.

Dick: Well, Harry's bought a blade factory in Germany that has been…I don't know if you were setting me up for this, but they've been…that German blade factory has been crafting some of the world's highest quality blades for almost a century.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "By cutting out the middleman, they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands." Uh, give Harry's a shot. How about that?

Maddox: Yeah, that's for supporting us, guys. That really helps out the show, and if you do get a Harry's package. Take a picture and tweet it at us, and we'll retweet it to Harry's, show 'em that our listeners are…

Dick: Ohoho!! Alright. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah! 'Cause that's what they respond to. That actually happened last time. A few fans sent me photos of their Harry's packages and they said, "Hey, thanks guys, I got a…"

Dick: (interjects) What, really?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, shit. I didn't know that.

Maddox: Yeah. And I tweeted it at Harry's. Yeah, so do that. It really helps out the show. Anyway, Dick. So, is that…

Dick: Harry's is…wait, go to They'll give you 5$ off your order if you put in BIGGESTPROBLEM.

Maddox: BIGGESTPROBLEM is the promo code for 5$ off. Thank you, Dick.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, so back to your man.

Dick: Back to my man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So you might remember that the last man update I had…so, after living in Hollywood for a month.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I said, "Man, you gotta get outta here."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's enough. Like, you looked for a job, you had some early successes, but you know. He's going through, like…a lot of things at once.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, alright. So go take off for a little while.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: You're always welcome to come back and be my man.

Maddox: (laughs) Sure.

Dick: 'Kay? But you gotta go regroup. You gotta go regroup.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know? Otherwise you get stuck in a rut.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And we can't have that.

Maddox: No.

Dick: I can't have ruts in my life.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Everything's gotta be chaos all the time.

Maddox: You're smooth…smooth-going. Smooth-going Dick.

Dick: What does that mean? (laughs)

Maddox: I don't know.

Dick: Alright. (chuckles) So…

Maddox: (interjects) I was trying to say something more eloquent and I stumbled upon myself sounding like an idiot. Go on.

Dick: So he goes, let's just say…you know. I wanna call this…I wanna say that any resemblances to real people in this story are entirely coincidental. (Maddox cracks up) However, what he did, was he went up to stay in a place I'm gonna call "The Kingdom of Weed". (Maddox scoffs) That's where he went to live. He found a new place to crash. Alright?

Maddox: Is it Sean's apartment he moved to? (laughs)

Sean: You son of a bitch.

Maddox: Alright, let's let that…go on. (grinning)

Sean: I hate you so much. (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Dick: What, why? Sean lives in a house, not an apartment.

Maddox: Yeah. So he went to the Kingdom of Weed.

Dick: He went to the Kingdom of Weed. (Maddox giggles) And in the Kingdom of Weed, it's ruled by a…by a duke and a duchess of weed, alright?

Maddox: Okay. (chuckles)

Dick: Let's say…let's say that.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: That's their names.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay?

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: So my man wanders into Weed Kingdom.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And the next thing I know, several weeks later, this is the last time we left this story. Is I get a text message from my man saying, "Hey, the duke of weed wants to kill me and he wants to kill you too."

Maddox: Ohhhh, yeah!

Dick: You remember this?

Maddox: I remember that. You teased it a few episodes ago.

Dick: I teased it. I didn't feel comfortable talking about it, because it's just salacious gossip.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I'm not one for salacious gossip.

Maddox: No.

Dick: You know me.

Maddox: I know you. (giggles)

Dick: I'm all about facts.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: But I didn't feel like it was my story to tell.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: However, now it's pissed me off.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Now there's…now it's a big problem. And it's a big, universal problem.

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: So, I said, "Well, what did you do?" He goes, "Well, nothing." I'm like, "uhh, when a guy threatens to kill you, you probably did something."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Even if it was a misunderstanding.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright? So here's my interpretation of what happened. There was friction in the House of Weed.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Alright? Between the Duke and the Duchess of Weed.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Alright?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Next thing you know, the Duke is gone.

Maddox: Ugh, I know where this is going. (grins)

Dick: The Duke of Weed is gone. (Maddox laughs) Alright? So. Why do you know where it's going? Why are you already laughing?

Maddox: 'Caaaaaaause…'cause there's some friction…I see…I've seen this script play out across countless relationships…(Dick guffaws) in my life. I know what's happening.

Dick: And I…I seem to have a lot of them!

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: In my sphere.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. This is well known. So, Duke takes off.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I said, "Oh, um, well, how did that happen, man? (Maddox laughs) And he goes, "Nothing, I didn't do anything." Like, alright. Next time I talk to him, guess who's shacking up…guess who's the new Duke of Weed?

Maddox: Yup. (cracks up) Oh, man! He…

Dick: My man!! The balls on this guy, right?

Maddox: He shacks up with the kingpin's duchess?

Dick: Whatever, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's where we're at…that's where we're at when I didn't wanna get into it.

Maddox: Woooooww.

Dick: Okay. So.

Maddox: That's ballsy.

Dick: Very ballsy. Duke of Weed rolls back into town. Weeks later. Maybe even months later. Since the last update. 'Cause I just got…I just got a call from my man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he says, "Hey Dick, just wanted to see how it's going. I got a job working in a brewery." It was like, "Oh."

Maddox: Alright. That's good.

Dick: That's pretty cool. And he's like, "Yeah, I'm making 10$ an hour."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Standing on a factory line, like Laverne and Shirley." (Maddox giggles) And he goes, "Everyone makes fun of me because I have a degree." He's got an engineering degree.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, that's true, yeah.

Dick: And he says after student loans and rent and all the necessities of life, he ends up making 0$ an hour.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And everyone on the factory assembly line calls him the Professor. To his face.

Maddox: Okay. (laughs)

Dick: This is like, kids. Making fun of him.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So this is his life right now. Alright?

Maddox: Which, he could very easily get out of this ridicule by saying, "Hey guys, beer's my passion. Shut the fuck up!" End of story.

Dick: Well….really?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I don't know. I think people zero in on what you're vulnerable to and they're really good at exploiting it with nicknames.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I mean?

Maddox: He seems like the type of person who would be bothered by it, too. Was he bothered? He must be.

Dick: No, but he was, like, a real happy-go-lucky guy.

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: He's not really bothered, he's like, "Yep, you got me there."

Maddox: (laughs) Alright.

Dick: I sure do. I sure do value my degree, and here I am, bottling beers at a brewery, making 10$ an hour.

Maddox: Good, so it's not sticking. Good.

Dick: Yeah. Well, it's sticking, 'cause it's still funny.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: So, the Duke of Weed comes back into town. Guess whose phone starts blowing up? So he goes, "Oh yeah, I'm working at this brewery and my phone just started blowing up that I'm gonna get murdered again." (Maddox laughs) Right? And the reason…the reason I get roped into this is because the guy thinks I taught him how to do this.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: I taught him how to break up relationships. (grins)

Maddox: Yeeeeeah. I mean, either directly or indirectly. He learned from you, Dick.

Dick: Do you think that?

Maddox: Well, I think…okay. I will say this.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There is more than a 50% chance that he did.

Dick: That he did.

Maddox: Learn from you, yes.

Dick: And I don't even know it.

Maddox: That you don't even know it.

Dick: Just because of my, like, the way I purport myself.

Maddox: Your aura. Yes, your aura of just, like, homewrecking. (cracks up)

Dick: Well, see. Because I tell people this story.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then, like, the part that trips them out is the, "And he wants to kill you, too" part. But that's the part I get. I'm like, "I could see that."

Maddox: He wants to kill the professor.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The actual professor. Not him.

Dick: Yeah. At the source. He wants to kill him…

Maddox: (interjects) Okay. That's a little bit nuts. Look, no matter what you say to somebody. Let's say you literally sat this guy down, your man.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you said, "Listen man, here's how you do x, y, and z to become an awful person." And he went and did that.

Dick: (interjects) Sorry, wait a minute. Awful person? What are we talkin' about, awful person?

Maddox: Okay, you don't…well.

Dick: Breaking up relationships. (Maddox laughs) The relationship…it breaks up. You're help…you're cleaning up the broken up relationship by swooping in. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: So, Dick, you just think that, like, everything in the world just happens around you, and you're just an observer, like a transcendental eyeball walking through and things just happen, right?

Dick: Yeah, pretty much!

Maddox: Okay, alright. (giggles)

Dick: I'm just there making my comments.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: So…so…it's pretty insane that this guy would want to come after you. Instead of the person who did the thing, right?

Dick: So then…(stammers) I think all of it's insane, and that's…I'm gonna get to my actual problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Which is what this is. So, the duchess of weed now tells my man, "Hey, so…I'm a little bit worried about these texts that you're getting. Um, for a little bit, why don't you go sleep in the other room?"

Maddox: Um…

Dick: In case. Just in case somebody were to show up in the middle of the night.

Maddox: Yeah. Good idea, I guess.

Dick: Good idea?! (angry) Oh, my god!!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: This…it's this RAGE! That happens when you're not allowed to bang someone anymore, that drives guys insane.

Maddox: What are you talking about, Dick?

Dick: What do you mean?

Maddox: What are you talking about?

Dick: Like, the end of a relationship, not being allowed to bang…not being able to bang a woman you wanna bang.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Causes insane behavior.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Oookay. (skeptical) I don't know if I've experienced this. What exactly are you talking about?

Dick: Okay…

Maddox: (interjects) So what happened to your man when he went and slept in the other room?

Dick: That's…that's it!! So that was the conclusion of his story! "So now I'm sleeping by myself, oh, and by the way, I've been shitting in an outhouse for the last three months, 'cause our plumbing is broken."

Maddox: Ugh, this guy.

Dick: That's the update.

Maddox: Okay. (scoffs)

Dick: That's the final update.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: But the problem is…the problem is the manifestation of this…I don't know if it's jealousy or regret, or whatever it is, this anger that guys have.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When they can't bang a woman they wanna bang. Turns into this, like, ridiculous violence and threats of violence.

Maddox: Oh, you're talking about the Dutch.

Dick: The Duke!

Maddox: Uh, the Duke. Yeah. (giggles) The duke.

Dick: The male Dutch! Von Dutch! I'm talking about him!

Maddox: You're talking about him.

Dick: Tell me you haven't experienced this before!

Maddox: Oh, uh…no.

Dick: Guys losing their fucking minds 'cause they can't bang some girl anymore! Chill out, dude!

Maddox: No, no, exactly, yeah. No, that's desperation. Yeah. That's…desperation. You know what that guy is, is a chump. That's a textbook chump. Because you can't get laid, you can't find another girl, so you gotta sit there and obsess and stalk and creep, and threaten.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You're gonna get some texts now. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Why?

Sean: Just said that to, like, 40, 50,000 people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What, what? The chump part?

Maddox: What are you talking about?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: I think that's accurate, though.

Maddox: Yeah, no. They're chumps!!

Dick: I think you're chumping yourself!

Maddox: These guys…haven't gone through the work of self improvement to figure out what they're doing wrong to be able to be attract women, and they're fucking pussies, and they sit there and obsess about their ex, who has moved on with their fucking lives! Look man, you break up with someone, or someone breaks up with you, that's the end of it. Look. Maybe they like you, maybe they don't. Maybe they've moved on with someone else. But if you sit there and obsess and stalk and harass and threaten the new person they're living with? You're a fucking pathetic loser!!

Dick: And I think…the reason I think it's a big problem is because I have never NOT dealt with this. EVERY chick I've ever dated has a guy sending her texts exactly like this.

Maddox: Yeah. I have dated…I have dated girls who did get texts like that, like, "Oh, who's this new guy? Blablablablabla." They're trying to, you know, stalk, and threaten, and harass. And I'm like "Wow." I just sit back, cool as a cucumber. I'm like "Well, that guys sounds like he's having a rough time."

Dick: (chuckles) Yeah.

Maddox: Sounds like he's having a real rough time.

Dick: Yeah. So, what would you call that?

Maddox: What. What the guy does?

Dick: What this problem is. Yeah. I like the chumpness.

Maddox: Chump Syndrome.

Dick: Chump Syndrome. That's great.

Maddox: Chump Syndrome.

Dick: That's way better than what I was…I was gonna call it Pussy Grapes.

Maddox: (cracks up) Pussy Grapes?!

Dick: Like sour grapes?

Maddox: Oh, like sour grapes?

Dick: Yeah, except Pussy Grapes. Like, "Dude, you've got a major case of pussy grapes right now."

Maddox: Yeah. I don't know, man. I think these are pathetic guys who can't figure their shit out.

Dick: You know, I don't wanna say they're pathetic. Because it happens.

Maddox: It happens.

Dick: Everybody gets it a little bit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I feel it a little bit, I'm like, "God, I really wanna bang that girl. Like, ugh, I gotta go work out, or drink or something!"

Maddox: Yeah. Well, that's how you handle it. You handle it with either alcohol, which is destructive, or working out, which is building you up. But a lot of people sit there and obsess and they stalk and they can't get over it. They can't get past it. And I…you know, I've experienced it more from women than guys. Like, women do this to me sometimes.

Dick: Well, you lead women on, though.

Maddox: Oh, I don't…come on!!! Get outta here.

Dick: Yeah, you're friends with women, though.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, you know, I think that's leading them on. You know what I mean?

Maddox: You think it's leading a woman on to be friends with her?! (incredulous) (laughs)

Dick: I think that there's a grey area between, like, "friends".

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then like, there's a chance if we get drunk enough I'll nail you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And within that grey area, I think you spend some time.

Maddox: I…(cracks up)

Dick: You know what I'm saying? And I don't.

Maddox: That's my neighborhood, you're saying.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You live right in the middle of that grey area.

Maddox: I go to all those bars in the grey area, right?

Dick: You're 100 shades of grey of that grey area.

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, Dick.

Dick: (interjects) They know you at the door at that grey area.

Maddox: No, no. It's happened a few times where I'll be hanging out with a chick and she gets the wrong idea and she starts to flirt with me or she, you know, starts to inquire as to the condition of my penis, etc, etc.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So, um. Then that's when I realized, like, okay. I need to nip this in the bud. I need to express myself and say, "Look, I'm not…this isn't gonna happen. It's not a thing." And I never get drunk enough. I never get so drunk that I'm gonna make that kind of sloppy mistake.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: I just…I know myself. I just never would.

Dick: They're waiting forever for that to happen.

Maddox: Yeah, I know they are. (grins)

Dick: Oh, I'm gonna blow this guy when he gets a couple beers in him. (Maddox cracks up) I'm gonna trick him.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, that's a problem.

Maddox: Yeah. That's sexual assault if I'm too drunk, ladies. (Maddox and Dick laugh) I will write an article about it in Rolling Stone. Anyway, uh, Dick. Yeah, okay. Good problem. Chump Syndrome.

Dick: Chump Syndrome.

Maddox: Chump Syndrome. Yeah, that is a good problem. And it's more pervasive, I think, than people think.

Dick: And it's fucking with this guy's life!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You gotta go sleep by yourself!

Maddox: Well, he doesn't have to.

Dick: What the hell?

Maddox: This guy could get his shit…his ducks in a row and not fucking hook up with this drug dealer's girlfriend.

Dick: Alright, alright. Dealer, whoa. I'm using cute euphemisms for these things. (Maddox laughs) Let's settle down!

Maddox: Yeah, uh, you know. If he got his shit together, too. Look, man. If you're going from relationship to relationship and meeting these people who have, like, this weird baggage and all this drama and shit in their lives, like, you gotta at some point stop and look at yourself and say, "What am I doing wrong?" "Why am I attracting these people to me?"

Dick: Uh, 'cause I'm fun.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. (laughs)

Dick: And fun people are crazy.

Maddox: Alright, yeah, I guess. I mean, sometimes, sure.

Dick: People who have their shit together have to go home at 10 PM.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They gotta work the next day.

Maddox: But, you know, Dick, to the point of this being the biggest problem in the universe, which it's not. Um, this only affects at most, single people. And at most, single chaotic people. People who have families and kids and they're in stable relationships don't…

Dick: (interjects) No, no, no, no. I think this affects everybody. You think that there's…you think just 'cause a girl's in a relationship or she's married, there isn't a guy there who wants to bang her so bad that he's causing her problems?

Maddox: Well, sure. I feel like most women probably have that.

Dick: Yeah. And this is Women's Month. Did you know that?

Maddox: It's Women's Month?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: It's always after Black Month. Black Guy Month. Now it's Women's Month.

Maddox: Black Guy Month and then…(giggles)

Dick: February is Black Guy Month.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: March is Women's Month.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Even though it has Saint Patrick's Day right in the middle. I don't think they would want that month, personally.

Maddox: No.

Dick: They might want, like a spring month.

Maddox: What would they…

Dick: They don't get a choice in it, though. (laughs)

Maddox: What would you do to celebrate Women's Month? Yeah, I don't know.

Dick: I think that's real.

Maddox: Women's Month? Yeah. They say…there's also International Women's Day. Ugh, anyway. Okay. Real minority group, these women. So, okay, Dick. Uh, Chump Syndrome.

Dick: Chump Syndrome. Yeah.

Maddox: Good problem. Not the biggest problem.

Dick: Do you wanna go…do you wanna do yours, I mean we're running out of time. We only got five minutes, 'cause I took forever giving a man update.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Well, then, maybe I'll hold this off for next week. This is a pretty big problem too. Uh, but we can talk about how Sean is becoming…our very own Sean is becoming a meme, right Dick?

Sean: Greeeeeat. (sarcastic)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: HeroGreg sent a Tweet in about Sativa Sean. Did you see these, Sean?

Sean: I have not seen these.

Dick: It's just…it's you. It's a picture of you. Here.

Maddox: So, it's a picture of Sean, who is placed over a background of just weed leaves, and then he's meme-fied Sean. And it says…it says what, Dick?

Dick: Uh, "I told them I was ass farming, but really, I was out grass farming." (Maddox laughs) Man.

Sean: Ugh.

Dick: That's the man part.

Maddox: What's the other one?

Dick: Uh. "My instruments were stores in an improper area." I don't know…I don't get that one.

Maddox: No, because…

Sean: I said that. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Yeah, Sean said that a few episodes…

Sean: But I said my equipment was stored in an improper area. No, it's true.

Maddox: Yeah. No, no.

Sean: It's true. I have, uh…

Dick: Oh, I remember that.

Sean: No, I have friends who grow for the co-ops in Los Angeles.

Maddox: Yeah. It's a total clean operation. And Sean doesn't smoke. We should make that clear, right?

Sean: No, I haven't done it in years.

Maddox: Not in years.

Dick Me either.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: As long as we're making things clear. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Dick!

Dick: Here's another one.

Sean: It's true that my equipment did come in reeking like weed.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, I walked into the studio and the entire studio smelled like pot. I'm like, "What, are you guys lighting up in here? What's going on?"

Dick: "The biggest problem…" Here's another one. "The biggest problem in the universe is that people are focused on all the problems. Life is precious. We need to just love each other, man." (Maddox laughs) Did you say that?

Sean: No!

Maddox: No. He just…

Sean: Does that sound like me?

Dick: No, it doesn't sound like you.

Maddox: I mean, I don't know, Sean. I haven't seen you blaze in a…

Sean: Jesus.

Dick: I think that's it. Oh, no. Here's the last one. "Maybe the podcast, like, deleted itself, man." (Maddox cracks up)

Sean: (groans) Oh, my God. Actually, you know what, though? That's more creative than what's been going on lately.

Maddox: What's…people are still giving you shit about that, right, Sean?

Sean: Oh, yeah. And I like it. I just want more creativity out of the 2% of your fans that aren't borderline retarded.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ohoho!!!! (laughs)

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, boy!! Here you are, Sean…you just opened the floodgates!

Sean: I did.

Maddox: There it is!!

Sean: No, that's…actually, the fans are great. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Too late!

Sean: I get nothing but nice emails. (grins)

Dick: Do you really?

Sean: Yeah, I do!

Dick: Like what kind of a nice email do you get?

Sean: I do. Yeah, like…I don't know.

Dick: Do you ever get any from chicks?

Sean: Uh.,.I have.

Dick: Oh, really?

Maddox: Ohhhhh. (saucy)

Dick: What'd it say?

Sean: It said "Delete me" with one of those little faces.

Maddox: Emojis.

Dick: Emoticons.

Sean: Yeah, the colon, and then, like, the capital P, so it looks like a tongue sticking out.

Dick: Oh, Yeaaaaaaaaah. (lewd)

Maddox: Whoa, that's hot.

Sean: It was some blonde girl, I guess.

Dick: What do you mean, you guess?

Sean: I don't know if was her.

Dick: You got a picture?!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Whoaaaaaaaa!!!!

Maddox: Sean, what…whoa, hey, what's going on here?!

Dick: What?!? What?!?!

Sean: Absolutely nothing.

Dick: What do you mean, some blonde girl? What did she look like?! Some blonde girl.

Sean: She looked like a young blonde girl.

Maddox: Yeah. That's exactly how I pictured it. A young blonde girl.

Dick: Was she hot? Did she look hot?

Sean: She was making a really weird face.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Like she was being funny, maybe. You know, like a…

Dick: Did it look like this? Was the face like this?

Maddox: Dick is making a dick sucking face, which he did too well. (laughs) Uh, Sean. (Dick laughs)

Sean: Jesus.

Maddox: Sean, you know what that look was that she had in her picture is the look of seduction. Sean's never seen that before. (laughs)

Sean; Oh, God.

Dick: Do you have it on your phone?

Sean: Uh…

Dick: I wanna see it. We won't post it, but I wanna see it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: No, I don't have it.

Maddox: Woowww.

Dick: Really? (skeptical)

Sean: As far as you know, I don't have it.

Dick: It's not on your phone? You use Gmail, though. So I know you have it.

Maddox: Alright. Alright, getting creepy. Um, okay. So, uh…so, Sean. Sean is kinda like the show hero. I get a lot of emails and messages from people that are like, "Yeah, Sean should really bring in a problem."

Sean: I want to.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: I will.

Dick: Bring it in on 52. Bring it on the 52nd episode.

Sean: Alright.

Maddox: You know what happens a lot of times, too, is that right after we stop recording, Sean will chime in with either a comment about the problems that we had, or a problem of his own, and he'll just go on for, like, 10, 15 minutes, like, ranting about this thing. I'm like, "Sean, that's a really good problem. You should bring that in." And he goes, "Nah, not researched enough." Like…(Maddox and Dick laugh)

Sean: Well, I don't wanna be another Dick.

Maddox: Oh, no one wants that.

Dick: Allllllllright. Maybe you shouldn't bring in problems.

Maddox: The show's already stuffed with Dick. (laughs)

Dick: Um, so, what were your problems? You wanna go? I wanna play some voicemails on the way out, but what are you…what's your problem?

Maddox: My problem this week was "People Who Turn Left". Biggest problem in the universe. This may…look. This affects the economy. This affects mortality rates. This affects reproduction. This affects…

Dick: Gas.

Maddox: Yeah, gas prices!!

Dick: It exacerbates the war in the Middle East.

Maddox: The war in the Middle East. Terrorism. ISIS is exacerbated.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Because people turn left in the Midwest.

Dick: Yeah. And my problem is Chump Syndrome. It affects my man. (Maddox cracks up)

(Sound effect: Booing)

Maddox: Alright, Dick.

Dick: That's it.

Maddox: Yeah. It affects one person. (grins) I mean, that should rank somewhere on the list in the positive territory.

Dick: He's a good guy. Does that matter?

Maddox: Ehhh. Yeah.

Dick: I guess we'll see.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, that's it, guys.

(Closing riff)

Maddox: Thanks for listening to another episode. Thanks for supporting us with Harry's. Don't forget to check that out and get 5$ off with that coupon code.

Dick: Thanks for listening.

(Voice mail: (male voice) Hi, this is Jesse from (unintelligible) ….I don't fucking understand how you're like, "Oh, nobody's gonna watch a 25-minute long live show!" (Maddox chuckles) But you expect your fans to listen to a goddamn hour-long podcast each week. (Maddox laughs) I mean, what a fucking hypocrite. Anyway, you guys are doing the Lord's work. Keep it up.") (Maddox, Sean, and Dick crack up)

Dick: That came up a lot, but that guy phrased it best, so.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Well, it's too bad that he made a dumb shit argument. Because, first of all, if he's not gonna listen to the entire podcast, he's not even gonna hear himself! He's not gonna hear him becoming immortalized on this podcast.

Dick: Well, he was saying that…that it's hypocritical that we expect people to listen to an hour-long podcast, but not a 25-minute YouTube episode.

Maddox: Yeah, because…listening is different than watching, isn't it, dickheads? You can do something else while you're listening. You can't while you're watching! People listen to this podcast while they drive. I get a lot of emails from truck drivers. There was a guy a couple of weeks ago who sent me his dashcam footage. He said someone, like, swerved and fishtailed and he almost wrecked, and you could hear our podcast on in the background.

Dick: Oh, really?! (grins)

Maddox: Yeah, it was really cool.

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where's that?!

Maddox: I'll post the video somewhere. Um, maybe I'll…I'll post it on the episode page for this week.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Yeah, but, yeah. People watch and listen differently. I can listen to hours and hours of talk radio or podcasts in the background, but I'm not gonna sit there and watch an hour of YouTube videos, unless that's all I'm doing.

Dick: Hmm. Alright.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Um, I'm in class right now and I just wanted to say, (Maddox giggles) Dick, you're an asshole. Tell Dick that he's a fucking giant piece of shit and that he should kill himself. Goodbye.")

(Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Tell him yourself.

Maddox: Yeah, he called in to…(laughs) So we played his voicemail and he wants me to tell you that you're a giant asshole and that you should kill yourself.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Did you get that message, Dick?

Dick: Yeah, got it. Thanks.

Maddox: Okay.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Fuck you, Dick.") (Sean and Maddox crack up)

Dick: I don't know what I did.

Maddox: Sure…(cracks up)

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Dick, go fuck yourself.")

Dick: A lot of them. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Short and sweet.

Dick: Yeah. A lot of them this time.

Maddox: You could tell that guy was, like, laying down in bed or something and he just, like got the idea to call into the show. (grins) And he's like "Oh yeah. Fuck you, Dick." Click.

Dick: Yeah.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey guys, this is Daniel here. I was listening to your last podcast and you mentioned the Dove campaign for beauty and it dawned on me. (Dick: That's right.) That nobody has called Dick "beautiful", so here it goes. Here goes…get this self esteem boost, Dick. (Dick: Thanks.) (Maddox giggles) Dick, you are beautiful. (Dick giggles) In fact, you do not have a small face at all. Your face is the appropriate size for your head. (Dick: Thank you. (grins) (Maddox laughs) You are not too ugly to live. Actually…(Maddox cracks up) you are ugly enough to live. ( Dick: This is a boost.) You can go fuck yourself whenever you like and not when others tell you. (Maddox and Dick crack up) Dick, you're beautiful.")

Maddox: That's very empowering. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, thanks. I guess. (Maddox laughing) Last one.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey guys, it's Chris from Kentucky. Hey, I love the live show and all, and I don't wanna be one of those douchebags who complains about it being too short. (Maddox: Mmm, too late.) (Dick: But?) But…(Dick: Yeah, here we go) I would have liked to hear more about, like, the social…like, I would really like to hear more about some of the problems in a little more depth. So, I really can't wait for the long versions. Thanks!")

Maddox: Yeah. Alright! Well, that's pretty thoughtful commentary.

Dick: It's a good point.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I really wanna talk more about student loans, but…

Maddox: Man, we would have loved to. The live episodes, we did record a lot more and we had more information. We… a lot of people said in the comments that the live episodes seemed scripted. Guys, this wasn't scripted.

Dick: No.

Maddox: We did hire writers and they helped us write a few jokes and do some research, some of which made it on the air, some of which didn't, but for these episodes…look. Every single one of these episodes, I have this big file that I print, that says, "Here, this is episode 43!" This one's called Episode 43_Script. It's not an actual script, but it's research and opinions. I have three pages of text in front of me. And this isn't necessarily a script for the show. This isn't a scripted podcast, and that wasn't a scripted live show.

Dick: No.

Maddox: But, that is, however, one of the best compliments you can give an unscripted show is to say that it sounds scripted, because that means you think that we sat around and researched and wrote that material.

Dick: And rehearsed it.

Maddox: And rehearsed it! Yeah! That's amazing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's a great compliment. Fuck you, idiots!

Dick: It doesn't feel like a compliment, though.

Maddox: Thank you!!! (laughing) I'll take it! Too late. I took it.

Dick: Alright, I got…I got another song by Waterboy.

Maddox: Oh, let's hear it.

Dick: Yeah.

(Upbeat dance mix, including various clips of Dick and Maddox from the show, some cobbled together, "I know that X, Y, and Z is true." "What's rational about loving…" "Love…louder.") (Maddox laughs) Song continues, repeats. Starts to include clips of Maddox making fun of people…"Uhhhuhuhuh…yeaah….(grunting)…bleeeeeeee….idiot." "Idiot." (Dick and Maddox crack up) "I know what true love is, 'cause I just want some babies" (Maddox laughs) "I know what true love is, 'cause I just want some babies.")