The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 9

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyyy! What's up, buddy? (smiling) How ya doin'?

Maddox: Great. So, uh, we -

Dick: (interjects) Who won?

Maddox: Okay. Alright. So, the only time Dick asks this is when he knows that some shenanigans are up. So last week, our problems...uh, the number one problem from last week was Webby Awards!

Dick: Hey!! (cheerfully)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Congratulations!

Maddox: Actually. We were -

Dick: Congratulations. (sincerely)

Maddox: You know what? I wish it wasn't as big of a problem as it is.

Dick: The Webbys?

Maddox: I would LOVE for the Webbys to not be a problem.

Dick: Well,, I think everyone got on board your, uh, disingenuous intentions...

Maddox: Oookay! (angrily) You know what?

Dick: ...rant. Nonononono! You -- that's what you were claiming, right? The Webbys are disingenuous when they say they're honoring... (trails off)

Maddox: Ohh, okay.

Dick: Jesus Christ!! What is... (chuckling; taken aback)

Maddox: I see what you're sayin'. Ohhh! (taunting)

Dick: ...what is goin' on?! (laughs more)

Maddox: I'm prepared! I'm prepared for YOU this week, buddy.

Dick: I'm comp-- this is why no one compliments you.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: I'm trying to compliment you, and you're jumping down my throat!

Maddox: Okay. Thank you. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah! And I also read, a guy in the comments said that originally the Webbys DID pander to, like, high-traffic sites to try to con links back to their dumb awards?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then...since they figured they knocked THAT out, then they started with the celebrity stuff.

Maddox: Well, you know, Dick, last episode too you mentioned -- this was such a bullshit thing, I was so, uh, just dumbfounded with bullshit that whole last episode -- but you said that the Nobel Prize awards... (cracks up) ...awards to The New York Times just to get, you know, gin up free publicity. But the Nobel Prize award gives a million dollars for their award, so they could simply just spend that money on advertising if they wanted to. Like, they don't NEED The New York Times' publicity. In fact, they've given more awards to smaller publications.

Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) You know, I'm not gonna disagree with your logic there (Maddox snorts) but it seems like...a sham. To me.

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: It seems kind of lame. Like, the Nobel Prize is about science and, like, the brightest minds in physics and chemistry and're awarding it to a newspaper? It's like, a newspaper's like a thing to sell ads.

Maddox: So, let me translate that. (cracks up) So: "I don't have any evidence, but it just doesn't feel right."

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Okay, great. (laughing)

Dick: Is that that not normal?

Maddox: No, no, that's normal for you.

Dick: That's how I think! Yeah!

Maddox: That's definitely normal for you. So, number two on the list was Global Warming, your bullshit sham problem that I'm gonna call you out on!

Dick: Uhh, excuse me?

Maddox: Yeah, global, I was actually pimped into having to defend global warming. You didn't actually have -

Dick: (interjects) You weren't pimped into anything!

Maddox: Mhm. (skeptical)

Dick: You didn't have to defend it!

Maddox: Eh, I guess. But then, then what?

Dick: Okay -- oh, so when you immediately jumped down my throat and called me Glenn Beck, that was "pimping" you? (Maddox laughs) Is that what I wanted you to do?

Maddox: I guess!

Dick: And then, what else did you call me? Glenn Beck, then I was a libertarian...

Maddox: Yep! (grinning)

Dick: ...did you call me a Klan member? At any point?

Maddox: No, no, not yet! That's comin' this episode, dude. Spoiler, come on. (teasing) No, but the libertarian part had to do with the grocery shopping. Um, then came Not Enough Bartenders, so, congrats, there's that. I guess people agree. And then, everyone's an idiot again; they think that Self-Checkout Lanes aren't a problem, apparently. And you know what, those scales never work! If I put something light on those scales, like a little package of, I don't know, like, toothpicks -

Dick: (interjects) Like a 3-pack of condoms? (smirking) (Maddox scoffs)

Maddox: I've *never* bought a 3-pack of condoms. Maybe a 3-CASE. So anyway, those were the problems last week -

Dick: (interjects) Then if the scales don't work, you're saying they're busted. The machines are busted.

Maddox: Ugh, they're ALWAYS busted. You gotta get an attendant to come over and see what light-ass item you bought.

Dick: Uh, I got a comment about that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: From Brian Kruise. He said, "If there is a self-checkout lane and all my items have bar codes, it takes me about half the time than it would have waiting for a cashier to do it." True! "Unless you're too stupid to use a bar code scanner and swipe your card."

Maddox: Yeah, except the bar code scanner has a built-in delay, because they know that customers are slow and dumb and inept, and the weight, er, the scale doesn't work. And God forbid you put something on the scale, or -- and you have to...everything gets cluttered on the scale! There's not enough room for all your groceries, so you have to put some on the floor or call an attendant over and be like, "Oh, sorry, I bought too much stuff! Sorry I'm purchasing things." It's bullshit. (grumbling)

Dick: M'kay.

Maddox: The whole system's bullshit, and everyone who likes it is bullshit. Uh, I got a comment from Seth Johnson.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: He actually noticed an interesting coincidence. On our all-time list of overall problems, Conspiracy Dipshits is in third place, or was at the time of this, and it had 911 votes. (both laugh)

Dick: Great. Uh, I got a comment regarding your horseshit Diet Coke challenge.

Maddox: H'okay. (chuckling)

Dick: That you claim settled the debate once and for all -

Maddox: Once and for all.

Dick: - that McDonald's is not the best Diet Coke.

Maddox: Yep, publish that in a journal - Nature!

Dick: Here we go: Twitter...@rbanke says, "McDonald's Coke is better because they have contracts with Coca-Cola to do the calibration and maintenance." Whereas the other restaurants don't!

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: So, all of your shit about McDonald's employees being just as worthless as Wendy's employees is NULL and VOID, sir! (taunting)

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: Because Coca-Cola is there protecting the taste of their brand.

Maddox: And clearly, companies ALWAYS honor their contracts, especially with minimum wage workers enforcing those contracts, right? (heavily sarcastic) That's the -

Dick: (interjects) Wait, are you saying that Coke DOESN'T show up and calibrate the machines like @rbanke is saying?

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: That's...that's ridiculous!!

Maddox: Well, they might calibrate it at some point, but those lines aren't cleaned by minimum wage workers! They don't give a FUCK about your soda.

Dick: Ohh, you're just never gonna give this up. You're're so stubborn.

Maddox: This is a comment... (laughs)

Dick: You're so stub-- you're so RIDICULOUS. (scathingly)

Maddox: (still chuckling) This is a comment from Michael C. Main. He says, "Don't forget different minimum wage employees forgetting to clean the taps, removing the bacteria and fungal growth that might be what gives each fast food joint its distinct flavor." Which, actually, he might have a point. Those lines NEVER get cleaned. Those employees don't give a shit. I walked into that McDonald's...everyone behind the counter looked like they were thinking the word "duh."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like, they just looked slow, and they don't give a shit. They're checked out, they're trying to graduate from high school. They don't care about your quality assurance.

Dick: Look, dude, I don't know the magic. (Maddox laughs) But McDonald's has it.

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: All I'm saying is, you used the word "magic." (Dick laughs) So.

Dick: Uh, I got one last comment.

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: From Philip Rushik: "Dick's arguments this episode were the best ever. Everything he said this episode was on the verge of nonsensical, but also exactly right." (Maddox sighs wearily) And I brought that comment in because I just wanna say, that's what it takes to make sense of the world that we're in. (grinning)

Maddox: Nonsense.

Dick: Nonsense!

Maddox: It takes nonsense.

Dick: The only thing that beats nonsense is bigger nonsense.

Maddox: I thought you were gonna say "bigotry." (laughs)

Dick: No, I'm NOT saying that. (annoyed)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: More -- bigger nonsense.

Maddox: Not...yeah, bigger nonsense. Great.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: You wanna get to some problems?

Maddox: Let's get to the problems. What's your problem?

Dick: Let's get to some problems. (jokingly businesslike) Problem number one: indignant drivers.

Maddox: Indignant drivers...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: Not...not road rage.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: I don't know if that's the best way to say this, but NOT road rage.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because road rage is hilarious to me.

Maddox: M'kay, sure.

Dick: Uhh...

Maddox: Some good stories!

Dick: Yes... (suggestively)

Maddox: I do like road rage!

Dick: I know you do.

Maddox: Mhm. (chuckling)

Dick: But indignant drivers, where.....okay, I'll tell you what happened. I went to Venice Beach with this girl on Sunday.

Maddox: So, Venice Beach is in California.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: It's in, like, Southern California. Okay.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, and it is the, like, heaviest traffic in LA on a Sunday, I would say? It is an absolute nightmare to get to.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: To park, to get to the beach in traffic; it's the worst.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Everyone's goin' to the beach on Sunday.

Dick: So we're driving around, trying to find someplace to park, and it's like every single move you look at the guy, you look at the car approaching you, and THEY are...they have this look on their face, when you do ANY little thing, that looks like they're seeing, like, a magic show and also watching a racist tirade at the same time. They're like, "OH, ugh! UGH!" (huffily) Like, with their hands up in the air! (Maddox laughs) Flustered, like they're they're, uh, in the 17th century, buttoning their collar and turning down their ascot?

Maddox: Yeah. Like they're ready for a duel.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: 'You know what? You just looked at ME, buddy.' That's how I drive. I'm an indignant driver. I *love* it. I love shaking my head, I love angrily yelling at people who DARE make a left turn...

Dick: It's so -- why?! Why do...what drives you so insane while you're driving?

Maddox: Because you don't -

Dick: (interjects) RELAX!!

Maddox: No -

Dick: You have to wait a couple SECONDS? For me to slow down and look for parking?? Just calm down!! (yelling)

Maddox: Yeah, a couple seconds mean I miss the light, and then I miss the NEXT light. Then I'm late to wherever I'm going.

Dick: Wait wait -- you're going home to dick around on Facebook.

Maddox: No.

Dick: That's what you're late to. (taunting)

Maddox: NO.

Dick: That's what all these people are late to. They can't wait a couple SECONDS?

Maddox: I'm sorry, I don't know about these bozos, but I got shit to do! And it's not just a couple seconds, these seconds add up! 'Cause EVERY -- you said yourself, there was lots of traffic and thousands of drivers out there. Couple seconds here, couple seconds there; next thing you know, you're dead.

Dick: You''re dead? (incredulous)

Maddox: You're dead.

Dick: From waiting for people to slow down and park?

Maddox: From waiting, yeah. Might as well be. Cobwebs...

Dick: They're all waiting to park too!

Maddox: What if I have a spider on me?? What if there's something in my car? I have an urgent place to be!

Dick: Wait, wait. What? (chuckling) You have a...?

Maddox: (cracking up) I've had spiders on me before while I'm driving.

Dick: Yeah, me too.

Maddox: Yeah! And so I need to get out and I need to find this fucker and kill it!

Dick: It's horrifying.

Maddox: Yeah! It's -- you gotta kill it!

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: So while I'm waiting for you to make up your mind and find directions -- and by the way, find your fuckin' directions ahead of time! Why is it so hard, people? Don't look at your GPS -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you're looking around for parking!

Maddox: Oh -

Dick: WHO CAAARES?! Like, you can't just calm the FUCK down when you're in your car?? (shouting) What bothers me about it is that you would never act like this without your precious car protecting you!

Maddox: No, I wouldn't act like this without the car 'cause I wouldn't NEED to. People...I can get around people in traffic, and I don't go to places where lots of people just congregate and they create a log jam. But with cars...I was in a car one time, I had a media escort for one of my book signings. So for people who don't know, a media escort is someone they assign you who takes you from book signing to book signing. And they hate that expression, by the way. It makes them sound like prostitutes. (smiling) So... (both laugh)

Dick: The word "escort" makes 'em sound...?

Maddox: Yeah. (amused)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So we went to, um...we went to a Barnes & Noble, and this lady was just lookin' at her phone the entire time, idling through the parking lot.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: Meanwhile, there's only one exit and one entrance to this parking lot, and cars behind her started to honk! And she goes, "Okay, okay, people," and like, throws her hand up and then CONTINUES to look at her cell phone. Like, what do you mean, "okay"?! What does that mean? You're not addressing anything, you're not solving the problem, you're obstructing! People have shit to do, they have lives to do. What -

Dick: (interjects) So what did the honking do? Nothing!!

Maddox: Well, in HER case -

Dick: It didn't change a god damn thing.

Maddox: Okay, so because people are stubborn, stupid, and refuse to change, and they're incorrigible, we shouldn't do anything about it. Right? (cynical) We shouldn't honk. So what's the solution?

Dick: Yeah, I'm saying that all your dumb honking and your road rage is part of the problem. YOU'RE the one causing all the accidents and all the delays, 'cause you're driving around like a maniac getting pissed off all the time and not just calming down.

Maddox: BULL SHIT. That's bullshit, Dick! *I* am the solution. You know, people who DON'T honk are inconsiderate.

Dick: Ugh!

Maddox: I absolutely believe that.

Dick: You're...

Maddox: If you don't honk...if you don't honk, you don't care. And if you don't care, stay the fuck home. What do you have to do that's so important?? Why are YOU out on the road?

Dick: Driving with you is like, I think it's like, um... (searches for words) The feeling I get is like if your son -- if you were telling someone about your son, and he was in prison -- it's like, VERY uncomfortable. (Maddox scoffs and laughs) (Dick cracks up) You're like...uh, that was a bad example. Driving with you is a fucking *nightmare.* It's like being, just, TENSE. I feel like a chihuahua when I'm driving with you. (Maddox guffaws) 'Cause you scream like a lunatic, your hand is ALWAYS on the horn...

Maddox: Right!

Dick:'re not paying attention!

Maddox: I've SAVED LIVES! I'm always payin' attention, buddy! (scornful) I save lives because I honk. One time there was a cab driver coming towards me in an intersection, and I saw him kind of veering towards my direction, and I thought, "Well, this is weird. I should flash my brights." So I flashed my brights a few times. Still kept comin' towards me, and I thought, "Holy shit, this guy's not payin' attention!" He was looking at his GPS. So I started laying on the horn, and at the last minute he veered and avoided an accident! I was prepared to honk. People who AREN'T prepared -

Dick: (interjects) You had alotta time to think in this scenario. (cracking a smile)

Maddox: I think fast.

Dick: Um, I did look up some stats on this. (slyly)

Maddox: Oh my gosh, you actually have stats.

Dick: Okay. Road -

Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.") (chuckles)

Dick: Yeah. Road rage people, like you?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Cause 66 percent of traffic fatalities. (cocky)

Maddox: THAT'S BULLSHIT, GET OUTTA HERE! (explosively) That's bull-- I'm gonna call you out on that!

Dick: It's not bullshit!

Maddox: Nope. (buzzer sound effect)

Dick: It's not bullshit.

Maddox: Absolutely -- what's your source? Where is that?

Dick: Um.....uh, (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing)

Maddox: Ohokay! I KNEW it! I fuckin' knew -- 'cause I actually know the stats, dickhead, and that's not even close.

Dick: Maddox, 66 is a reasonable number. There's no way I would've made that up a number like that. (wryly)

Maddox: Absolutely... (through giggles) No, 'cause it's upside down, it's 99. I'm sure you're gonna say it at the end of the episode - "Oh, I was holdin' this paper upside down!" (dopey voice)

Dick: 66! It's like two-thirds! (smiling) Two-thirds of traffic fatalities ARE CAUSED BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!

Maddox: You're full of shit! I'm not -- no!

Dick: 'Cause you're going around honking, being a distraction, dude!! (yelling)

Maddox: No! WRONG! Wrong! I'm gonna call you on this! That's not a source! That's not a statistic. Where'd you get that source? What's the actual source of that?

Dick: (cracking up) (Maddox laughs loudly) It was number one on Google!

Maddox: It's fucking not! You know what number one is? It's distracted driving, by -- well, texting. That's number one now, ABOVE drunk driving. We've gotten a 10 to 20 percent increase in traffic fatalities over the last 10 years, specifically because of texting while driving. And it's NOT road rage.

Dick: (interjects) So you're saying texting while driving is more dangerous than drunk driving?

Maddox: It is now, yeah.

Dick: (gasps) So, every... (astonished) So everybody who texts and drives can shut their ass up when they start lecturing people about driving drunk! Right??

Maddox: Well...

Dick: That's pretty much what I'm getting out of that.

Maddox:'re both problems. That doesn't mean that you're...that doesn't mean you're both suddenly not problems. You're BOTH problems.

Dick: You can't take the moral high ground, though!

Maddox: That's true.

Dick: If you're texting, uh, a friend of mine about how he drives drunk... (Maddox snickers)

Maddox: Yeah, I guess.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I mean, that's -- they're both terrible options. It's like, what's...? It's not that one is safer than the other. (chuckling) We're not sayin' drunk driving -

Dick: (interjects) You're saying it's safe to drive drunk! Right? (cracking up) That's what... (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: 'Kay. I knew, I knew that's what you were getting at. No. Uh, texting while driving has now surpassed drunk driving. And here's why: because drunk driving usually, MOSTLY occurs at night.

Dick: 'Cause you're really paying attention when you're drunk driving.

Maddox: No, wrong. (annoyed) It usually occurs at night when people -- because people drink at night, and then they have last call and they gotta get home, so that's when the majority of drunk driving occurs. Texting while driving occurs 24 hours a day. ALL the time. Any time someone's behind the wheel, they gotta, "Oh, here comes a red light! I gotta check Facebook! I gotta check my fuckin' precious Facebook, make sure that somebody didn't 'like' my new picture on Instagram!" Whatever the fuck Instagram is.

Dick: Well, I mean, if I can even get to that! I gotta check Tinder first!

Maddox: Of course. (dryly)

Dick: Um... (cracks up)

Maddox: So you see all the girls that passed you up.

Dick: Yeah. I always wonder how they do the drunk driving stats, though. You know? Like, how do they know how many people were out there being drunk, not causing wrecks? You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: They don't...they don't look at that. They just tally -

Dick: (interjects) But how do they even guess??

Maddox: They just tally the total number of fatalities caused by drunk driving.

Dick: Oh. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: So that's all it is.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: They don't have to...yeah, they don't have to, like, do some crazy stats.

Dick: So you're saying my stats are BS?

Maddox: Your stats are absolutely BS, and I'm gonna call you on that.

Dick: No, but it could be both!

Maddox: No.

Dick: Like, you could be drunk and texting AND be being aggressive.

Maddox: Right. Road rage does not cause NEARLY as many accidents as either of those two problems, drunk driving and texting while driving. Road rage, by the way -- and it's not road rage that I'm honking! Why don't...why don't people care anymore?

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: I have gotten so pissed off now that I'm honking at cars in lanes *opposite* to me. I'm honking at cars going in a different direction, I'm honking at cars 2 or 3 lanes away because NOBODY cares; everybody's texting, nobody goes.

Dick: Maddox, that honking shit's gotta stop.

Maddox: No!

Dick: It's CRAZY.

Maddox: It's a solution!

Dick: Nonononono. It's annoying! It gives people -- like, you're gonna give somebody a heart attack with the way you drive.

Maddox: Oh, THEY'RE gonna give me a heart attack by the way they drive. By how slow they are.

Dick: Well...

Maddox: Because you -- you're making a left turn over double yellow lanes, which I always honk at! Get the fuck out of the road! You're not supposed to make a left on double yellow lanes. And you know what? I approve of it if they do it when no one's around! *I* do it when no one's around. However, when there's a whole line of cars behind you, what, you need to stop commerce because you need to make a left-hand turn?

Dick: Just chill the fuck out! (exasperated) They need to make a left turn, who CARES?

Maddox: I -

Dick: (interjects) You're out there like it's Cannonball Run every day! Just go out and have a nice drive!

Maddox: Sure, okay. You know what? Maybe the guy who's running the theater projector for the movie you're watching on your date, he got caught up in traffic and he's like, "Yeah, you know what? Chill out, man." (hippie voice)

Dick: Yeah, man!

Maddox: "I'll just show up when I show up! The movie'll start when I get there." Things don't have to run on time anymore in DICK'S universe!

Dick: Yeah. Your honking? Doesn't help that.

Maddox: It absolutely does.

Dick: NO.

Maddox: People go!

Dick: Honking and acting like Audrey Hepburn in your car (Maddox scoffs and laughs) while people are just making left turns and minding their own business does not help with that.

Maddox: It's not left turns! It's people slowing down and looking for parking, or looking for their directions.

Dick: That upsets you?

Maddox: Yeah! Don't look for directions!

Dick: I mean, that's the problem?

Maddox: No! Don't look for directions. Know where you're goin' before you go. Where are you going if you're just -- what are you, driving aimlessly?? (cracks up) Get the fuck off the road! Go back home, park your car, and then set your house on fire. Like, what are you doing? (Dick laughs) What are you doin' with your life? (chuckling)

Dick: Very good. Well, I, um...I copied a test to see if you were a road rage.

Maddox: Hm'kay. (laughing)

Dick: But uh, ya pretty much...I think you, I think YOU rewrote the test on having road rage.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um...

Maddox: I don't think I have road rage, by the way.


Maddox: Nooo. (dismissively)

Dick: How -- what else would road rage be?!

Maddox: No, I absolutely don't have road rage!

Dick: In your mind, what is road rage?

Maddox: I'll tell you what road rage is! So, there was this guy -- I was in a one-lane road one time.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And, um...and there was this guy that was parked right next to me, he was gonna make a right-hand turn. And it LOOKED like he was gonna make a right-hand turn; his signal wasn't on. And so I figured, you know, he just forgot to turn on his signal or whatever, so I started going straight, and he was to my right and he started going straight as well. There was a car parked to the right, so he couldn't get past that car, he had to cut me off.

Dick: (interjects) I have a hard time following car stories.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So he was turning right in front of you?

Maddox: Okay, it's a one-lane road...

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: ...I'm going straight...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...and he looked like he was about to make a right. He was to my right.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: At the intersection. Right?

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So we both started goin' forward at the same time and I thought, "Okay, well, here's this dickhead not makin' a right! He's gonna try to snake me!"

Dick: (interjects) See, you're already -- you're already all, like, bugging whoever's in the car with you! This is already starting to bug me, imagining myself in this car.

Maddox: No one's in the car with me!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So I'm going straight, and this guy cuts me off at the last second. And so you know what? I LAY on the horn, and I give him the bird. I'm like, "Hey, buddy! Here's what I think of YOU!" So then he pulls over to the right, and turns on his signal and lets me pass him! I'm thinkin', "Oh, this is a good guy! He realized his mistake and he's lettin' me pass him."

Dick: You've intimidated him into letting you pass.

Maddox: "Yeah, you know what? Maybe he realized his mistake and he's gonna be cool."

Dick: Uh-huh. (skeptical)

Maddox: So, uh -- no, that's not the case. He gets behind ME, and then he starts honking. (smiling) I'm like, "Oh. Alright." So we get to the next light, and this guy gets out of his car and he starts walkin' over... (cracks up)

Dick: Whoahoho.

Maddox: ...walkin' over to my car, and so I'm slowly, like, gingerly rolling up my window in my car. And I roll up my driver's side window just in time, as soon as he gets there and I'm like, "Whew! Safe." I lock the doors, then I look over -

Dick: (interjects) What a pussy! (Maddox laughs) What a complete pussy. (grinning)

Maddox: And I look over...this guy, no joke, was probably 6' 8". Tall black dude, bald; looked angry as fuck. And -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, right! It was probably some, like, old Chinese lady.

Maddox: Oh, please. (Dick laughs) I eat Chinese ladies for lunch. Uh, so... (cracks up) So I looked over to my passenger's side window, and it was completely rolled down. I completely forgot about it. Oops. Uh, so anyway, he starts like, just pounding on the window...pounding on the window and callin' me gay, he called me a little bitch..."Get outta the car!" My -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, you are kind of a little bitch in this story. (chuckling)

Maddox: No, I'm not gonna get out and fight this guy!

Dick: You're proving my point!! You wouldn't do this stuff, except you have your protective car around you! You're acting like an a-hole -

Maddox: Oh! (disdainful)

Dick: - only because you're not afraid of getting punched in the MOUTH.

Maddox: He cuts me off like a dick, and I'M the a-hole?

Dick: Yes!!

Maddox: An asshole, let's say "asshole." Okay? I'm the asshole because he cut me off? That's bullshit!

Dick: No! He probably just made a mistake! Chill out!!

Maddox: It wasn't a mistake -- oh, really? Maybe I made a mistake! Maybe I meant to flip him off with BOTH hands! (Dick smirks) Huh??

Dick: That's a good one. (amused)

Maddox: Yeah! (laughing) Yeah. Fuck that guy, he was a piece of shit! And also, he was a TRANSIT worker! He was a California transit worker.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I could've gotten his job! So who made the mistake here? He's a fuckin' idiot! I'm not gonna go to jail!

Dick: You -- wait a minute, you could've gotten his job? What do you mean? (grinning)

Maddox: I'm not goin' to jail potentially because this dickhead got out of his car. And by the way, I was waitin' for the light to turn; as soon as the light turns I just start driving off, and he's like, standing there jumping up and down like Yosemite Sam in the fuckin' middle of the intersection! (Dick laughs loudly) This, like, dumbass dude who cut me off. He gained nothing, he lost face, and what did the transaction solve? NOTHING.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: Absolutely nothing.

Dick: Okay, so lemme go through those questions of if you have road rage or not.

Maddox: Please.

Dick: Um...uh, "Do you ever use obscene gestures or communicate angrily at another driver?" So that's a 'yes.'

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Yep.

Dick: From that story -- yup, that's a 'yes.' "Do you use the horn often?" Did you use the horn in that story?

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Yep!

Dick: I'll take that as a 'yes.' Uh, "Do you tailgate..." (cracks up) Already a 'yes.' (Maddox laughs) "...or flash your headlights at the driver in front of you, who you believe is driving too slowly?" I believe that's how you started this altercation?

Maddox: Nooo, that's not how it started.

Dick: By tailgating?

Maddox: He cut me off -- no, he cut me off! He -- (buzzer sound effect) Nope! I did not tailgate.

Dick: Is that perhaps because you were driving way too fast?

Maddox: No!!

Dick: And he HAD to cut you off?

Maddox: I was just going through the intersection at the normal speed, and he was just tryin' to cut me off like a prick 'cause he was trying to snake me! He didn't gesture that he was gonna try to come into my lane. How about using a signal, dickfuck? How 'bout that?

Dick: Yeah... (unsure)

Maddox: No. So that -- no. Absolutely not.

Dick: ALREADY angry. (Maddox laughs) You're experiencing road rage while just sitting in this chair in front of the microphone.

Maddox: I'm miming a steering wheel as we're talking. (chuckling)

Dick: Um, and "Do you try to beat red lights because you're in a hurry?" I dunno, that doesn't seem as good as the other ones.

Maddox: Of course! That's -- that makes sense. Why wouldn't I?

Dick: 3 out of 4. You got road rage, buddy. Go see a doctor. (Maddox smirks and laughs)

Maddox: Alright. I guess -

Dick: (interjects) Road rage isn't really my problem, though. It's the indignant drivers.

Maddox: Indignant. (thoughtful)

Dick: Who sit there festering, and...I LIKE the guy that got out of his car, with road rage! That's cool!

Maddox: What do you...? You don't call that "indignant"??

Dick: NO, that's not indignant! He was gonna punch you right in your mouth!

Maddox: And by the way, I was -- no! He's not gonna punch anything. I was grabbing my taser, I was ready to like, "Alright, I gotta throw down with this guy." (smiling)

Dick: Did you grab your rape whistle as well? (cracking up) (Maddox laughs loudly) What are you DOIN'? (teasing)

Maddox: You know what? I know that tasers don't always work, and sometimes it pisses them off even more, which -

Dick: Wait.

Maddox: - if I'm gonna get punched? If I'm gonna fight a guy? I want him to be *really* pissed.

Dick: They don't work? What do you mean?

Maddox: Well, if you...the guy was the size of a mammoth. Alright? This guy's like...maybe 8 feet tall.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Bald black dude.

Dick: He would've killed you.

Maddox: (laughing) He would've, he would've killed...

Dick: That would've been funny.

Maddox: He coulda punched through my roof. Like, this guy was *giant.*

Dick: Did you learn...did you learn anything from that? Like, did it make you gun-shy at ALL for being a road rage dickhead in the future?

Maddox: No! I -- you know what? I rarely ever flip people off, uh, while I'm driving, BUT I...there was this one time, this girl...she had Vermont plates, I still remember her license plate! I remember the -

Dick: (interjects) Jesus Christ!! This is, like, you DEFINITELY have road rage!! Like, it's etched in your memory, 'cause you're so full of RAGE from the incident! (yelling) I'm sorry -- go! Go, go, I'm sorry.

Maddox: That's like saying...yeah, I've HAD road rage; what do you mean? Road rage is not a condition, a state that you're in. I mean, *occasionally* you get road rage. It's like you're saying, "Oh, you definitely have love, 'cause you've been in love before!" Whatever, like, "You've been full with food, so you're definitely full!" Like, that doesn't make sense.

Dick: This sounds like an alcoholic at an intervention. (Maddox laughs) Like, "Whaddya MEAN, I'm an alcoholic?? I have a couple drinks a couple times! That doesn't mean I'm an alcoholic!!" (ornery tone) (Maddox laughs more) "I'm an '-oholic'? What does THAT mean?"

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: So what did the Vermont girl do?

Maddox: Ohhh, THIS bitch. (growling) (Dick laughs hysterically) So, I'm drivin' up this road -

Dick: (interjects) See the rage?!? (high-pitched; through laughter)

Maddox: OH, my -- it's unbelievable, this one! This one coulda caused an accident! So I'm drivin' up this road at like 45 miles an hour, the speed limit.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And immediately she pulls into the middle lane. What I THOUGHT she was gonna do was pull into the middle lane and then merge into traffic. Right? Wait for her turn to merge into traffic. Nope! Cuts RIGHT in front of me. I slammed on the brakes, came within...*inches* of hitting her. And so then, I flipped her off and turned on my brights, 'cause this chick needs to be checked.

Dick: Oh, wait a minute! The brights are on the list, hold on!!

Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah.

Dick: (excited) "Turning on..." Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! "Flashing your headlights at a driver in front of you that you believe is driving too slowly"! You said 'no' to that, that's a 'yes'!!

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)

Dick: That's 4 out of 4, dude! (yelling)

Maddox: No, you know what, though?

Dick: 4 out of 4!! You are a TEXTBOOK case of road rage!

Maddox: She wasn't driving too slow, she just cut in front of me! Like, we came within inches of hitting her!

Dick: Okay, and then what? (amused)

Maddox: Yeah, so I slammed on the brakes, turned on my brights, and then started flipping her off. (Dick laughs hysterically) And then SHE, she -

Dick: (interjects) Turns out SHE was a 6-foot-8 black guy too!

Maddox: She was a 6-foot-8 black... (laughing) 8-foot-8 black guy, he gets bigger every time! Uh, no, this -- so, she started flippin' ME off!

Dick: Oh, cool! (mocking)

Maddox: I'm like, "Ohh, no you didn't!" (snarling)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "You did NOT flip me off." And so I started following her! So I'm, like, honking the entire time, and my brights are on -

Dick: Uh-huh. (dryly)

Maddox: - and she's flippin' me off, and I'm flippin' HER off, and we're havin' a really good time! (gleeful) So we get to the next intersection and she's *really* drivin' erratically, and then she starts brake-checkin' me. I'm like, "No. You know what? FUCK that." Fuck brake-checking.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Brake-checking is a bullshit, chickenshit move, 'cause you're trying to cause an accident! Which is...FUCKED up. So then -

Dick: (interjects) Oho, wait a minute, uh, Mr. High Horse!

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: BOTH of you were driving like morons at this point.

Maddox: I was drivin' normal! What, just 'cause I'm, like, chasing her down? Whatever.

Dick: Because you're not thinkin' about driving, you're thinking about SCREWING with this person!

Maddox: I'm not screwin' with her!

Dick: That's why you're causing all these accidents!!

Maddox: I'm letting her know...I'm calling her out! I'm checking her. She needs to pull over, that's what SHE needs to do. So that's what the brights -

Dick: (interjects) And what?

Maddox: Pull over and think about her life. Alright? (cracking up) She needs to pull over and write in her LiveJournal, or whatever it was at the time -- this was like, 10 years ago, whatever -- she needs to think about the decisions she's made in her life. That's what I wanted her to do. So she DIDN'T do that, and she kept driving erratically, so you know what? Called in drunk driving! I reported her for drunk driving. (pleased with himself)

Dick: Even though she wasn't.

Maddox: She MIGHT'VE been!! She's driving erratically! She's drivin' like an asshole!

Dick: I mean, this is...this is just...that is *crazy.*

Maddox: It's not -- yeah, right? The way she was driving?

Dick: Reporting someone for drunk driving... (incredulous) No, YOU. YOU are crazy for doing that.

Maddox: I call in drunk drivers all the time! If someone's driving like an asshole, they're drunk.

Dick: Uh, what is your...for some reason, I don't think that's the end of the moves that you have to screw with people who are driving poorly. Do you -- what else is in your bag of tricks? (sardonic) To do, put an end to crazy drivers on the road out there? Do you, like, lob...baggies of scorpions in their window? (Maddox laughs) As you drive past them? (grinning)

Maddox: No, nothing. That's it. That's all I do.

Dick: That's it? (teasing)

Maddox: No, but seriously, I want drunk drivers off the road and I will call them in.


Maddox: YOU don't know that!

Dick: Don't act like you're doing everybody a service!! (screaming)

Maddox: You don't know that! She was driving like SHIT!

Dick: No!! She's an a-hole! She's a -- she's addicted to rage just like you, apparently!

Maddox: She was also swerving! She was SWERVING in and out of traffic. So I was trying to pass her up so I could get home, and she started swerving! I'm like, "Okay, this chick's drunk!"

Dick: (laughing scornfully) You're...SO crazy! How come I never encounter all of these, uh, poor drivers? How come I never get in these life and death situations?

Maddox: (yelling over Dick) 'Cause YOU ARE THE POOR DRIVER!! You're the people that people are encountering!

Dick: But no one's pulling in front of me all the time like they are with you! Why is that?! Why is it -- you ever think that when you encounter SO many assholes on a daily basis, that YOU are the asshole?

Maddox: No!

Dick: That YOU are the bad driver?

Maddox: I'm not the bad driver! There are great drivers out there. Sometimes people cut me off and I don't even have to tap my brakes! I'm like, "That guy's driving like an asshole, but God bless him."

Dick: You need need to chill out. You need to have a stress ball in your car.

Maddox:! I'm fine.

Dick: You're not helping anybody!

Maddox: I'm helpin'...

Dick: You're not helping anybody -

Maddox: (yelling over Dick) Yes I am, I'm helpin' COMMERCE!

Dick: - by reporting FAKE DRUNK DRIVERS, pulling cops away from real drunk drivers -- I'm saying that, but I don't really care.

Maddox: Yeah, of course. (amused)

Dick: I mean, I'm tryin' to bust you on that, but, you know.

Maddox: Fulla shit. No. Fuck this chick -- this chick, she's lonely and she's gonna die...she's gonna die alone.

Dick: Alright. That's, that's my problem.

Maddox: Alright. Great. Great problem. (sarcastic)

Dick: Uh...Indignant Drivers.

Maddox: Indignant Drivers. (derisively) And don't forget, next time you're sittin' behind someone drivin' like a grandma, it might be Dick.

Dick: Oh, I drive -- whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!

Maddox: Mhm. (skeptical)

Dick: How many speeding -- I drive WAY fast! How many speeding tickets do you have?

Maddox: One.

Dick: Ohohohoooh! Yeah, I got speeding tickets galore, baby. (gloating)

Maddox: Yeah, that just means you get caught. I don't, I'm like Batman. (cracks up) The speeding Batman.

Dick: I, I am...I drive WAY faster than you. How DARE you.

Maddox: Yeah. Oh. (sneering)

Dick: I will race you any time, any where. (cocky)

Maddox: You sloppy...sloppy driver!

Dick: Pedal ALL the way down.

Maddox: Mhm. And then you're gonna have to come to a screeching halt 'cause someone's makin' a left.

Dick: Don't care, I'll buy more brakes! (Maddox scoffs and laughs)

Maddox: Great. (dryly) Alright. My problem! My first problem this week is shame shaming.

Dick: Huhuh, what?

Maddox: Alright? Yeah. (smiling) So, you've heard of fat shaming. Right?

Dick: HEARD of it? (Maddox laughs) Yeah! That's my middle name! (gleeful)

Maddox: I'm sorry, I'm talking to the guy who invented it. (Dick laughs loudly) So... (chuckling)

Dick: Come on, baby! (grinning)

Maddox: So there's this big -

Dick: (interjects) That's my big break, was fat shaming! On Dr. Phil!

Maddox: Fat shaming? Yeah.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah, that's -- actually, that's true, yeah!

Dick: Remember??

Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah, that's true! So there's this big Body Positive movement going on right now by the Social Justice Warriors, and these are people who think that, uh, you know, it's okay to be fat. And you know what? It IS okay to be fat. To an extent., there's all these people who come out, like for -

Dick: (interjects) Well, can you define "okay"? Like, what you's okay to be fat?

Maddox: Well, you should be allowed to live your life and body how you want.

Dick: Agreed.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: We absolutely agree on that. However, the limit is when it comes to....public health. So if there's universal health care, then suddenly everyone's kinda chipping in to the system and your health problems become *my* health problems.

Dick: Well, your health problems become my FINANCIAL problems, is what they become.

Maddox: Right. Well, that's what I meant. So, if you become....unhealthy, or if you become sick, or there's some complication due to your diet, and the public welfare has to PAY for it...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...then your problem *is* my problem. And I do have a say in it. So you can't -- so if you wanna be fat, that's fine, but you also have to be against universal health care. Right?

Dick: (stammers) Uh, yeah. I guess!

Maddox: So you agree with that!

Dick: If like, no, because I think it's....yeah, logically? If you're making, like, a logical choice to be overweight or to smoke or do any of that stuff, then yeah, but that's not how people work. (Maddox inhales thoughtfully) I mean, you're -- by the way, I'm kind of surprised that you accused me of being a libertarian last week -

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: - yet you're making, like, the cornerstone of the libertarian argument right now.

Maddox: Right. I say things that sometimes conservatives agree with, and sometimes libertarians agree with, and sometimes liberals agree with.

Dick: I'm just asking if you realize that.

Maddox: Yeah, I realize that! Absolutely!

Dick: Like, this is the entire philosophy of libertarianism.

Maddox: No! I totally, I totally understand that and I totally agree; however, I'm not a libertarian. So. The...on, there's an article that says, "A recent study published in the Journal of Health Psychology aimed to evaluate why the positive correlation between stigma and obesity exists, specifically for women." [Salon article: ] And this is *always* -- if you search for "fat shaming" or "body positive," the first links that come up are Huffington Post and ALWAYS.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then xoJane...all these, like, women websites.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Because they think it's a problem exclusively to women, and that's all they focus on. So, "By reviewing daily assessments of the weight-based interactions of 50 overweight women, researchers found that the negative feelings associated with fatness can lead to negative psychological health overall, in addition to reduced physical well-being." So, they're saying -

Dick: (interjects) So if you're fat, you feel bad?

Maddox: Yeah, you feel bad!

Dick: That's what they're saying?

Maddox: Right. (amused) But you know what? If you're fat, you're morbidly obese. You're gonna have all sorts of different health complications.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So, there's this woman who said that "Participants experienced" -- and this is participants in the study -- they "experienced an average of three fat-shaming moments per day." Three per day. (Dick giggles wildly) But... (cracks up) But the researchers said that "these stood out:..." So, this woman said that "Teenagers made animal sounds like 'moo' - "

Dick: (interjects) Mooing? (gleeful)

Maddox: " - outside of the store." Yeah. (amused)

Dick: I've done that.

Maddox: Yeah... (laughs)

Dick: Oh, you know what else I did? Um...uh, I do 'beep' sounds?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That's a good one too, like, if a...

Maddox: What does that mean?

Dick: ...a fat person's beeping? Like, "Beeeep! Beeeep!" (high-pitched)

Maddox: Oh, if they're backing...if they're going backwards? (about to laugh)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay! Yeah.

Dick: That's a good one. I pulled that one in high school, I got a big response. (pleased with himself)

Maddox: You know, I should say, that's...I should say, I used to be fat! I used to be pretty overweight. But especially -

Dick: (interjects) No -- oh, "pretty overweight"? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah! Definitely!

Dick: You used to be a BIG fat fatso.

Maddox: Definitely. When I was writing The Alphabet of Manliness, that was one of the most stressful times of my life, and that's when I gained a lot of weight. I gained over 35 pounds in the course of like, 3 months. I started losing hair around that time, I got high blood pressure, and I got high cholesterol. I was on my way to an early death. Early grave.

Dick: All to just make your masterpiece of a book for your fans.

Maddox: Yeah! For you guys.

Dick: Yeah. The sacrifices that you go through!

Maddox: Sacrifices for dick jokes. (dryly) So...anyway, so I understand. Like, I understand everything associated with it.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I used to be a fat guy! So she says -- she goes on. These are some of the things that she felt, uh, the fat-shaming instances throughout the day: "The dentist was worried I might break his chair." (Dick roars with laughter) You know, you know what though? It's an expensive-ass chair! Those hydraulic things aren't cheap!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: If you -- you might actually break a chair! I -

Dick: (interjects) Wait, that's a moment of fat shaming? Sorry.

Maddox: 'Fat shaming,' yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: If the DENTIST says "You might break my chair," yeah! Also, he's concerned about his chair!!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Why aren't YOU concerned about his chair? Why aren't you concerned about ANYTHING, apparently?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like, this dentist is sincerely concerned about his chair! He spent lots of money on it, you might break it! How could he possibly sensitively say that to you? What's a sensitive way of saying to somebody who's overweight, sayin', "Look, you might break this chair." Like, what can you possibly do? You might have to, like, "Okay, sit in a non-..." Maybe she was so big that she might actually break the chair! (Dick smirks) If you want to say that to somebody, how can you say it sensitively?

Dick: "Moo."

Maddox: H'okay. (chuckling) Then she says, "I was told what a bad mother I am because I can't set limits as to what my son or his friends eat during sleepovers, because I can't even control myself." Okay, that's unfair.

Dick: Ohh, my god!

Maddox: That's -- I would say that's unfair.

Dick: What kinda life is this person living where people are SAYIN' that stuff to her?

Maddox: Yeah! And -

Dick: (interjects) Can you imagine, like, a person saying that to you? It would be like, "What the HELL are you...?" (seething)

Maddox: Yeah... (dubious)

Dick: "How DARE you!"

Maddox: know what though, Dick? I'm gonna call bullshit on this one, because the only person -- so, look at a clue she left in this sentence. She says, "I was told what a bad mother I am." So somebody told her -

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: - based on what her son and his friends eat during the sleepovers. So this is somebody intimately in her life. Right?

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: And if it's somebody that intimate in her life, why is she friends with this person?

Dick: Right! That's what I'm saying!

Maddox: Yeah. Why would she possibly have somebody that close in her life who KNOWS her son is havin' a sleepover, and her son's friends are havin' a sleepover, AND what they're eating for snacks?

Dick: And it's such a neurotic thing to nitpick. It's a sleepover, they eat everything! Come on!

Maddox: So here's another one; she says, "With friends at a baby shower I went to McDonald's first so people wouldn't look at me eating more than I should." (Dick laughs tauntingly) So, she's sneaking -- so she goes to McDonald's ahead of time, gets her...gets an extra meal, whatever.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: I...I can't begin to explain the psychology that goes on behind gaining weight. I gained weight for my own reasons; it was stress. Mine were stress-related. Mostly! Mostly, in that period of my life. But, like, different people gain weight for different reasons. Who knows -

Dick: (interjects) Is that true? It just seems like it's all...I mean, it seems like if I liked eating as much as I like drinking, then I would be a big fatso.

Maddox: Uh, no, people eat in excess sometimes because they are depressed, sometimes because they just like food, sometimes because they're stressed...sometimes just because they have always just been that way, and they've always just -- it's cultural! Sometimes it's just cultural. Like, some families like to eat a lot of food, and they sit down and they put huge meals out in front on the table. I get that. I mean, I totally get that.

Dick: It just sounds exactly the same -- it sounds like an analog to any addiction.

Maddox: So, this is from; this is kind of interesting. [ ] It says that "new research confirms that obese people, and particularly those who are extremely obese, tend to die earlier than those of normal weight." However, "The findings also suggest that people who are overweight but not obese may live longer than people with clinically normal body weight."

Dick: What do you -- can you sum that up?

Maddox: So, they're saying that people who are overweight live longer.

Dick: Oh. Why? (puzzled)

Maddox: Okay, THAT'S the question. Right? That's the million-dollar question: why? 'Cause I've seen these fat-shaming websites, especially TEDx. If you go to YouTube right now and search for TEDx, and it says "Why It's Okay To Be Fat," there's this lady who goes on... [TEDx video:]

Dick: (interjects) I'd rather eat some rocks than watch a TED talk about this.

Maddox: That's fair. That's absolutely fair. You don't even have to check the calories on that. So, if you go... (cracks up) If you go watch this video, this lady goes on and on about how fat people live longer than, uh, normal-weight people. And it's true! About 6 percent. 6 percent longer. And then I looked into the study, and it turns out that the REASON is: "It's possible that overweight and obese people get better medical care, either because they show symptoms of disease earlier..." (chuckling) "...or because they're screened more regularly for chronic diseases stemming from their weight, such as diabetes or heart problems."

Dick: So they get sicker faster? So they get more attention quickly?

Maddox: So, they're in hospitals more often, so they catch... (cracks up) ...catch diseases that are fatal.

Dick: (interjects) See, this is what I'm telling you about stats, though!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that is a stat where your gut says 'no,' and then you look at the stat and you're like, "Oh, the stat's worthless."

Maddox: So, here's -

Dick: (interjects) Your gut's right!

Maddox: Right. Absolutely, you're -- no, I agree. That's why I read into the study, I don't just end at the stat. Um, there's another instance -- this is from -- there's a 19-year-old girl in Japan; her name is Kanna Motoyoshi, and she loves cosplay. She was really overweight, and she dressed up as this cosplay character one time, and everybody started makin' fun of her because she looked nothing like the character. (Dick giggles) So... (chuckling)

Dick: 'Cause she was overweight?

Maddox: She was overweight. She was *really* overweight.

Dick: What did she dress up as? (smirking)

Maddox: The character's name was, uh...Tiera? It's "a huge fan of..." Tieria! T-I-E-R-I-A. I'm not even sure -- it just looks like a Sailor Moon character or somethin' like that.

Dick: Ohh, that's...eugh, God, that's bad. (in a low voice)

Maddox: So she decided to go to an anime convention, like, dressed as this character, and [continues quoting article] "Here is a dramatic recreation of the event with an actor playing her. The show's depiction was hardly nuanced -- note the bandanas, which are a stereotypical otaku, or 'geek,' trope in Japan." So they were kind of, like, making fun of her on this show. She got fat shamed, and guess what? She lost weight!

Dick: She lost weight.

Maddox: She looks really great now, she's the healthiest she's ever been in her life; she's happy!

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: So fat shaming can potentially have a positive effect. I'm gonna ask you this question, Dick, and this isn't a rhetorical -

Dick: (interjects) So this is what your shame shaming is about?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're saying that shame helps people.....get better.

Maddox: It can! It can make people feel worse. But why are we entitled to never feel bad?

Dick: Well, you're not! (chuckling)

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: What do you mean?

Maddox: So, I'm gonna ask you this question. This is a sincere question, not a rhetorical question. What's wrong with shame?

Dick: It makes people feel bad.

Maddox: But why...I mean, that's not necessarily a bad thing. We both agreed, right?

Dick: Well, then marketing companies can use that bad feeling and pitch people this idea that they should never feel bad, and sell shit at the same time.

Maddox: Oh, and you know who's the most notorious at doing that?

Dick: Dove!

Maddox: DOVE!

Dick: Dove soap.

Maddox: ABSOLUTELY, Dove!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Absolutely. ('ding!' sound effect) Fuckin' nailed it. Dove.

Dick: I mean, that's all they're doing!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they don't...they don't give a SHIT about women.

Maddox: No! They're -

Dick: They just want to sell soap!

Maddox: Yeah, they wanna sell soap. They wanna -- and they have those advertisements, which are SO...duplicitous. No, not duplicitous; what's the word...

Dick: I don't know what you're -

Maddox: (interjects) Devious!

Dick: Devious.

Maddox: They have those advertisements that are SO devious that show women who are, like, kind of shielding their faces and it says, "When was the last time you felt beautiful?"

Dick: Well -- so, this is what I think about those. Like, they're pitching this idea that being beautiful is a, like, the same as being *good.* Like, you...

Maddox: Right!

Dick: ...while they're saying they're empowering women, they're also saying you're not worth anything unless you're beautiful.

Maddox: Unless you're beautiful!

Dick: Which is REALLY shitty!

Maddox: It's a shitty thing to say!

Dick: Like, it's not that -- it's not something you can work on. You're either beautiful or you're not.

Maddox: Right!

Dick: Sorry! (bluntly)

Maddox: Yeah! And you're not entitled to be beautiful! Not everyone is beautiful! Fucking stop calling people "beautiful" when they're not.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's that girl who's suffering from that disease online. Everybody's like, "Oh, she's so beautiful! She's so brave." She's brave, sure. Beautiful? Not...not by most people's standards. Like, that's -- you're not ENTITLED to be beautiful. Some people just aren't. But you don', that doesn't make you less of a person! That doesn't make you worthless! You just didn't get the genetic lottery.

Dick: Yeah. So what Dove should do is come out and say, like, "Hey, fatty!" (Maddox laughs) "Lose some weight." That's what you're saying? (smiling)

Maddox: No. But,, here's what, uh, the argument is. This guy who wrote this Kotaku article about this girl who lost the weight from shaming, he ends it on this sentence: he says, "Look, people should be able to do what they want." Right? I agree with that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: [continues quoting article] "If someone wants to cosplay as a certain character, and their body -- or skin color or gender, whatever! -- isn't an exact match, who cares. They shouldn't be made to feel bad about that."

Dick: Well, they are. Like, sorry.

Maddox: Well, look more closely at his first sentence. He says, "Look, people should be able to do what they want."

Dick: They can.

Maddox: Okay. If people should be able to do what they want, that INCLUDES people who fat shame.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: EVERYBODY should be able to do what they want. And if you make people feel bad for shaming you -- for fat shaming -- guess what? They're starting to feel bad about shaming you. And by the way, I don't necessarily do it! It's fine. Like, different people have different body weights.

Dick: Yeah... (unsure) Yeah.

Maddox: You seem really conflicted on this one!

Dick: Well, no, because it's easy to agree with you...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...and say that, uh, "Yeah, you should just be able to mock people." That's like, the 'cool' thing to say. Right?

Maddox: Yeah, to what, just mock people? Or what?

Dick: No, it's just cool -- like, it's the cool guy thing to say, uh, "Yeah, just fuck 'em." Like, "You should be able to say whatever you want about however anybody looks." But I guess people just kinda get that they're dealing with an addiction, and think maybe that for all the people that get shamed into losing weight, there's probably a lot more who just, like, kinda feel shittier. And it makes it harder for them. Like, I don't know, what's...what's a better way out of it for 'em?

Maddox: Uh...

Dick: Tough love, or...

Maddox: No, no, that -

Dick: ...regular love?

Maddox: I'll tell you what the better way out of it is. So I have this solution; this is the light at the end of the tunnel. I have some friends who are fat, and they revel in it. They *love* it. I have one friend in particular -

Dick: (interjects) Do they do it externally, though? Because a lot of them say, like, they'll make jokes and they don't really feel that way though.

Maddox: Well, I don't know, man! I can't -- I mean, I can't get inside their head. But they're, I never see them depressed, I never see them bummed out, and I never see them WORRIED about what they eat. They just eat it -- and they know, like, people call 'em fat and they're like, "Yeah yeah, I know! Alright!" (chuckles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "That's cool, whatever." They just live it, and they love it! That's their body and they're comfortable with who they are.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: But when you get all butthurt about it -- like, you've made a choice in your life, and you're...for you to be indignant...alright? (cracks up)

Dick: Uh-huh, yeahhh! More indignance! (wryly)

Maddox: (laughing) For you to be indignant about the choices YOU made, uh, based on what other people are saying about you? That's bullshit, dude. At least cop to it. Take responsibility for the decisions you've made in life.

Dick: Yeah. So who's the most vocal about this? Is it companies that are trying to sell things? Like, who's starting this movement of shame shaming?

Maddox: Feminists. (both laugh) Mostly feminists. Feminists, Dove is,'s actually coming from a lot of Tumblr bloggers.

Dick: Ohh, yeah.

Maddox: And fat people themselves, they said that "Well, we're sick and tired of it."

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: It's like, okay, well, I'm sick and tired of lots of things! And sometimes they're things I can change, and sometimes they're not, but I'm not just gonna sit here and write a fucking 27-point list about all the ways I'm an awful person for thinking a certain stereotype about fat people.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And this is coming from a fat person! And let me tell you what, here's -- a former fat person.

Dick: (interjects) This is coming from somebody who does exactly what you're saying you do. Like, writing out why people should feel bad about things.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like all your reasons that iPhones suck, (Maddox laughs) and all your reasons that U2 was the worst album of the year. (smiling)

Maddox: Well, you shouldn't feel bad about it, just get a new phone! So, uh, so what is -

Dick: (interjects) Wait, I have a question for you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Were you ever fat shamed when you were, uh, a lardass?

Maddox: Oh yeah, of course!! All the time! And I've BROKEN chairs when I was a lardass. (Dick laughs) I sat down in chairs and busted them! (cracking up) It's kinda hilarious, but it's also like, "Ooo...oh boy. Oh boy, I should lose some weight." Like, I broke one of the benches at lunch at my elementary school. (Dick cackles loudly) I broke a bench! Like, I...the kids thought it was really funny when I sat down that the entire bench would shake. The entire table would shake.

Dick: That's funny.

Maddox: So I kept doing -- they were like, "Do it again!" So I stood up and then sat down again, and they were like, "Do it again!" so I stood up and sat down again, and then 'CRACK'...the bench broke. (slowly for emphasis) (Dick laughs) And for the rest of the school year -- we had *just* enough seats for every single student, and for the rest of the school year, about 6 to 8 students had to sit on the floor because I broke that bench! (smiling)

Dick: 'Cause of yooou!! (in stitches)

Maddox: And then I raced to lunch every day, because I didn't want to be one of those kids sittin' on the floor! So... (breaks down laughing)

Dick: Sean, what? Sean, the audio engineer, is chiming in.

Sean: How many other kids did it take to counterbalance the teeter-totter?

Dick: Yeah, good question!

Maddox: Oh, I never even got on. I never even got on.

Dick: Ohh.

Maddox: It would've been at LEAST two. I remember, actually -- no! One time, I DID go to the park -

Dick: (interjects) Why did you get so fat as a kid? Oh, sorry. When you went to the park, what...?

Maddox: No, no. Yeah, I went to a park when I was a kid and I remember, my friend and his brother both got on one end and they still couldn't lift me. (Dick chuckles in disbelief) I was...I dunno, man, I was just always a big kid! I was a big kid!

Dick: Is your brother big?

Maddox: Ehh, yeah. I mean, not...not huge, but I was definitely big. He was...I was bigger than he was, growing up.

Dick: Were you big like that until recently?

Maddox: Uhh, most...yeah!

Dick: I mean, you know, like the your late twenties?

Maddox: Until about, uh...yeah, until about the last 8, 9 years or so. Yeah. I was pretty big - I was always a big kid! And then eventually I became bigger, when I was writing The Alphabet of Manliness. So I get it! I remember, like, my pants size was HUGE! I found some of my old pairs of pants; I could, like, fit in one leg. It's so...

Dick: Oh yeah, I've -- you've lent me some of your old pants. They're huge. (amused)

Maddox: Oh, yeah! Yeah, it's gross. most of the bitching comes from and Huffington Post, and they complain about how the media's obsessed with weight and image. However, here is a quote -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but it's the MEDIA. It's, like, pictures. Of course they're obsessed with it! (chuckling)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, and they say it's so unfair 'cause it happens to women all the time, and that's about it. Right? (mocking) And yeah, it is the media! That's what they do!

Dick: And I'm like, "Yes! Like, it's what they do, they deal in image. Duhhh!"

Maddox: Yeah, and it's not just women! Chris Christie, they''s ALWAYS fat jokes about Chris Christie and Rob Ford. And drug jokes, I guess, 'cause of Rob Ford. But here's a quote from a media -- from The Associated Press: "For a guy who runs a manly man's Web site, he's just what you'd imagine him to be in person -- T-shirt, jeans, and a physique shaped by spending hours in front of a computer or playing video games." That was by Debbie Hummel for The Associated Press, and she was writing about *me.* [ ]

Dick: That's accurate!

Maddox: Yeah! It's accurate.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I didn't take offense to it. Just like, "Alright!" (nonchalantly) I mean...

Dick: Why are you sayin' it?

Maddox: She commented -- because she still commented something about my physique when she didn't have to.

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox: And this is EXACTLY what Salon's complaining about; this is exactly what Huffington Post is complaining about. And it's happened to me, and guess what? I move on, folks! (shouting) It's not the end of the world! There's bigger problems in this life. Right?

Dick: Yeah, so you don't have a problem with her.

Maddox: No, but I'm just saying. Like, it happens -- like, this is coming from somebody who's actually experienced it.

Dick: You know what we should do? We should all just have, like, uh, ration cards for shaming or insulting people? (Maddox laughs) And you just have your pack of the day, and when you insult someone you can just give them the card - "Here you go!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, "I just called you a big fatso," and then -

Maddox: (interjects) So you get a quota?

Dick: Yeah, but then other people give you THEIR cards, and then you get more! To go's like a hate bartering system.

Maddox: Alright!

Dick: Like, you hit somebody up for being bald...

Maddox: Mmhm. (chuckling)

Dick: ...and then they say, uhh...I dunno, what would you say to me?

Maddox: Uh...

Dick: Like, I'm too handsome, or something?

Maddox: No...stupid hair.

Dick: Stupid hair! Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Your hair looks like a girl, and it's ugly and it's frizzy. Here you go!"

Maddox: Uh, I didn't say THAT. (cracks up)

Dick: I get three cards for that.

Maddox: Yeah, alright!

Dick: And then I could go insult three other people! Right?

Maddox: That's...that's pretty great. (breaking into a grin)

Dick: That'd be a great system!!

Maddox: I actually like this system. And if you're out of cards -- if somebody insults you and they don't have a card on them, then there should be a penalty, right?

Dick: You get to punch 'em right in the mouth!

Maddox: Right in the genitals. Or mouth, yeah yeah yeah! Mouth.

Dick: Yeah. (pleased with himself)

Maddox: Alright. You break their teeth.

Dick: Alright. Is that your problem?

Maddox: That's my problem.

Dick: Is that a universal problem?

Maddox: Fat shaming? No, SHAME shaming is. Yeah!

Dick: Well -

Maddox: (interjects) You're never supposed to make anyone ashamed of anything!! (yelling) Now there's this movement on Facebook too, where kids who do something bad, their parents make 'em hold a sign and then post the picture on social networks! And everyone's like, "Oh, what a terrible parent!"

Dick: That's...CRAZY. (in a low voice)

Maddox: What's crazy? That they're, that people are shaming them? Or parents who do this?

Dick: That parents would make their kids do that.

Maddox: Wrong!

Dick: That's *crazy.*

Maddox: Ab-- no! What are you talkin' about?! (buzzer sound effect) So, they're shame shaming! That's shame shaming.

Dick: No, I'm not,, that's just a crazy parenting strategy!

Maddox: WHY?? If a kid doesn't -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you're a horrible person if you do that! Yeah!

Maddox: Nooo. (exasperated) If your kid fucks -- if your kid's, like, getting into drugs or screwing around at school or somethin' like that, and you wanna teach 'em a lesson -

Dick: (interjects) It's because you're a shitty parent!! That's why! You don't compound shitty parenting with MORE shitty parenting!

Maddox: Absolutely not. NO.

Dick: You look at yourself and say, "What did I do to cause this maniac?"

Maddox: No. BULLshit.

Dick: "I'm neglecting them in some way!"

Maddox: No, absolutely not! I have friends who have families where there's two normal daughters, two normal sons, whatever, that grow up great -- they're productive, they have healthy lives -- and then there's one fuck-up in the family who's doin' drugs and gettin' tattoos and shit. So you're tellin' me they're bad parents because one of the kids is falling out of line?

Dick: I'm saying that they did something different with that one! He obviously had different needs that they didn't address!

Maddox: Well...

Dick: They don't come OUT like that!

Maddox: Well, potentially, yes, but sometimes it's outta your control.

Dick: But you -

Maddox: Like, if they fall into the wrong crowd.

Dick: - you don't use FACEBOOK to, like, publicly humiliate them!! That's CRAZY!

Maddox: Why is that crazy??

Dick: Because it's totally impersonal!

Maddox: Well, of course it's impersonal! (smiling)

Dick: Like, you need to have -- if you're a parent, you need to have a personal interaction with your kid!! You don't say, "Hey everybody, check this dumb kid out! I'm pulling his fuckin' PANTS down in front of the whole world!" (Maddox laughs robustly) It's basically the same!

Maddox: No, it's not the same.

Dick: It's causing the same kind of humiliation!

Maddox: Nooo.

Dick: That's fuckin' crazy, man!

Maddox: You think humiliation is bad?? You think shaming is bad? That's the problem with it.

Dick: I think it's a bad PARENTING technique!

Maddox: Is it? (skeptical)

Dick: YES!!

Maddox: If you get caught stealing and your dad makes you stand outside the store with a sign -

Dick: (interjects) My dad would ask me why I got *caught.*

Maddox: Okay. (dismissively) Okay, if you -

Dick: (interjects) Good parent!

Maddox: Good parent. (chuckling)

Dick: GREAT parent!

Maddox: Great parent. Great. (sarcastic)

Dick: Great parent!

Maddox: Awesome. But if you're standing outside a store with a sign that says "I got caught stealing" -

Dick: (interjects) No, that's fuckin' CRAZY.

Maddox: Why is that crazy?

Dick: That just makes you hate your parents! Your parents are -

Maddox: (interjects) Does it?

Dick: Yes!!

Maddox: Nah.

Dick: You don' have to understand why they did it! You don't just REACT to it. You say, "Okay, well, why did you steal it then? Like, what's goin' on? What do you want, attention? Or were you trying to show off for your friends?" You don't say, "I don't care why ya did it. Here, I'm gonna pull your fuckin' pants down in front of the store and make you sit there!"

Maddox: Why -- it's not -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it's just, it's just humiliating! Look, I'm all on board with this for, like, adults?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But not for KIDS! That's crazy!

Maddox: Nahh, come on. It's not pulling pants down! Your example's off!

Dick: It's the same thing!

Maddox: Naw, no way.

Dick: It is the same thing, because all they know is that they're sitting there doing something humiliating that their parents made them do.

Maddox: Well, yeah, but you can do both! You can sit down and ask them why they stole it, get to the root cause of the problem, AND also teach 'em a lesson! You want to put their hand on the stove sometimes.

Dick: No, you do NOT! (both laugh) Don't,, you do not!!

Maddox: Alright. This is goin' to the comments, 'cause I'm gonna see -- I think people are gonna side with me. They're gonna say that you SHOULD put your kid's hand on the stove. Let 'em touch the stove!

Dick: There's gonna be people who have kids and people who don't responding to this!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: And the people who have kids are gonna know you're TOTALLY fuckin' outta control on this.

Maddox: Alright. (dismissively)

Dick: That's totally wrong!!

Maddox: Alright. More next time with Dr. Phil. Go on. What's your... (both burst out laughing)

Dick: Ohh, you...

Maddox: Yep. (mischievously)

Dick: always throw a screwball in at the end. (grinning)

Maddox: There you go. What's your next problem?

Dick: Alright. So, I mean, I thought I brought a pretty good problem last time with Global Warming, but I've got an even *bigger* problem THIS episode.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Dick: (pauses for suspense) Leaving your fly open.

Maddox: Ohh! (dryly) Alright, interesting. Why is that a problem?

Dick: 'Cause it happens to me all the time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I work at home, and I've, like, knocked it out of my routine.

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: You know? 'Cause it's just easier to it.

Maddox: You just don't zip up? Yeah yeah yeah! I've done that, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. But now I can't get it back!

Maddox: You can't remember to zip up your fly?

Dick: No! Like, uh...I was in the elevator, realizing it was down, and the elevator stopped at the floor a couple floors down.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I'm, like, panicking to zip it up.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So this girl...this hot girl walks in, and I'm like, playing with my zipper.

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: In the elevator.

Maddox: That's pretty cool though, man! You want a hot girl to walk in and see you fiddling around with your junk! She's like, "Oh, what's goin' on down there?" (sexy tone) (Dick scoffs)

Dick: I don't think that's what you want. (smiling)

Maddox: Absolutely, dude!

Dick: No.

Maddox: I've gotten...I've gotten so many dates that way. (teasing)

Dick: Actually, I just wanted to tell you this story. (Maddox laughs) So... (cracks up)

Maddox: I KNEW it!

Dick: I'm... (laughs more)

Maddox: There's always some bullshit personal anecdote! Let's hear it.

Dick: Yeah, so this is...okay. I was, uh, I was doing this show. Alright?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Like a theater show.

Maddox: Yeah. Mhm.

Dick: Uhh, a sketch show.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Which I do.

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: So, I had -- part of the sketch was, um, that I had to have raspberries on all my fingers?

Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)

Dick: Right? So I'm like a bad guy? Like, I'm...

Maddox: A bad guy with raspberry fingers? (chuckling) Sure.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's -- you know, you understand.

Maddox: Sure. (grinning)

Dick: Yeah, it's funny.

Maddox: Okay. (smirks)

Dick: So, I'm dressed like a dickhead...

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...and I have all these raspberries on my fingers and, like, a bad-guy suit on.

Maddox: Ohhh...yep.

Dick: And I'm getting ready to come out and do the big reveal and, uh, I'm supposed to come out right when this girl dies. Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: So she gets shot in the scene. And I look down, getting pumped up, and I see that my fly is wide open. (Maddox laughs) Like, in a suit, fly wide open...and I'm wearing, like, gold underpants?

Maddox: Nice.

Dick: For some reason? 'Cause I thought they would be fun to wear.

Maddox: Sure. Well...

Dick: Like, bright yellow underpants from American Apparel? (about to laugh)

Maddox: You always wanna wear fun things. Right.

Dick: I do! I like funderpants! (gleeful)

Maddox: Funder-- ohh, my gosh. Get outta here.

Dick: I like wearing some fun underwear! (guffaws)

Maddox: So you're wearin' your -

Dick: (interjects) So...

Maddox: Yeah. [indicating for Dick to talk]

Dick: ...I, uh, I go to zip them up but I've got raspberries all over my fingers! (Maddox smirks and laughs) So I can't grab the zipper! Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: 'Cause a suit zipper is very difficult. You know how a suit -

Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.") (both laugh)

Dick: Yeah!! So I start...I start running around backstage, like, "Hey! Hey, hey, hey, you gotta zip up my zipper!! I don't have time to explain this!" While the girl's dying onstage, I'm like, "YOU HAVE TO ZIP UP MY ZIPPER! You!! You HAVE to zip up my zipper!" (frantically)

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: So these girls are looking at me, the sideways face?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The puppy face?

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: And I get a girl to do it, and she kinda jabs at my groin with, a pinch move?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like there's a spider that's about to lurch out of my fly? (amused)

Maddox: Yeah...

Dick: So I'm like, "AHH! That's not gonna work!!" (Maddox laughs) Like, "I gotta find someone else!!" (hysterically) So I go to ANOTHER girl, and I'm like, "LOOK, YOU GOTTA ZIP...!" This is, the girl's dying, like, *right* now.

Maddox: Uh-huh, and you're supposed to be out! You're missing your cue!

Dick: I'm supposed to be -- I'm not...yeah, I haven't missed it yet!

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: 'Cause she's really stretching it out.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Thank God. Find a girl to do it, and she has the same weird pinch thing! Like there's gonna be a bug crawling outta my -- I'm like, "UGH! Just use two hands!!! You gotta use two hands!! Like... (splutters in frustration) Trust me! It doesn't work without two hands!"

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: So she does, she grabs it, and worked. It -

Maddox: Oh! So you did it, you made it on time.

Dick: - yeah, I walked out, yeah. I made it out in time!

Maddox: Whew!

Dick: No one was the wiser.

Maddox: Wow!

Dick: It was pretty traumatic, though!

Maddox: That was... (cracks up) That was almost, that was almost dangerous. That was almost, uh.....that was almost exciting. (laughs heartily)

Dick: That -- what, you weren't excited by that at all?

Maddox: I mean, no. (laughs more) Uh, you know what I -- why don't you do this? When you pull your fly down, don't you leave the little handle out? Like, the little flap, the little 'thing'? The little handle?

Dick: Yeah, of course!

Maddox: Yeah! So why was it so hard for these girls to like, to uh...crab-claw it up?

Dick: Because they don't know...girls don't know how to zip up a guy's zipper! When has a girl ever done that?

Maddox: Yeah! They shouldn't be expected to! They're always...they know how to zip it DOWN, they shouldn't have to learn how to zip it up. That's terrible! You never want a girl to zip it up.

Dick: Well, it''s one hand to zip it down!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: It's no problem! Zipping it UP, you can't use one hand.

Maddox: Girls...girls don't know they have to grab, like, that little bunch of fabric underneath where your crotch is and then kinda hold that while you zip up with the other side so it gets taut. They don't know that!

Dick: Right!

Maddox: Right? No no, but girls have zippers! They know that.

Dick: No, nononono! Their zippers are totally different though! Plus you got your junk floating around down there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They don't wanna just, like, ASSUME and...get a handful of balls!

Maddox: Ugh. Again, Dick, your problem is something completely self-inflicted... (chuckles) ...that isn't *quite* a problem.

Dick: Maddox! This is a bigger problem in my universe than...anything else!

Maddox: Than any other problem we've discussed on the show?

Dick: Any other problems, yeah, is my friggin' fly, because I do it like every day!

Maddox: Oh, my gosh. You know, I'll tell you what the potential problem here is.

Dick: You've never done this?! It's very embarrassing!

Maddox: Of course I've done it! I actually did a show...I have my own show experience with my fly down. So I came out on the stage, and I was doing the introduction to the show. And I asked for a suggestion from the audience, and somebody said, "Zipper!" (both laugh) And I thought, "Oh! Okay, 'zipper.'" So we went back, did the show... (Dick roars with laughter) ...went on. I swear, like, MONTHS later -- and I kept thinkin' back, I'm like, "That's an interesting..."

Dick: "Zipper!" (gleeful)

Maddox: "...'zipper.'" (pensively) And I remember -- 'cause I remember the pair of pants I was wearing that night, and uh, it had buttons. It didn't even have a zipper, it was one of those with all the buttons.

Dick: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: And so I kept thinking about it and I realized something to do with that: I only buttoned one of the buttons. So it looks like it's open all the time, and THAT'S what they were referring to.

Dick: Ohh.

Maddox: They were tellin' me my fly was down, and I didn't get it 'til MONTHS later. That was fffffuckin'... (under his breath)

Dick: Why do you only button one of the buttons?

Maddox: 'Cause for the longest time it was a pain in the ass don't wanna button a bunch of buttons! You're not putting on a suit, you're just zipping up your dick.

Dick: Why do you have a button fly, then? (amused)

Maddox: I don't know, man. I bought those pants by accident. (Dick laughs) And I dig 'em now, though! I'm into the button flies.

Dick: Alright, well, that's my problem.

Maddox: (laughing) Good...good problem.

Dick: I think it's worse than Shame Shaming!

Maddox: No, it's not! There's absolutely nothing at stake. (Dick guffaws) Nobody cares.

Dick: People seeing your underwear?!

Maddox: No. You know what the real problem for YOU is?

Dick: What?

Maddox: That people are gonna see your small dick.

Dick: Hahohoho! (jeering)

Maddox: Yeah. They're gonna see your little gremlin.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: Yeah. (breaking into a grin) They're gonna see your cute little gremlin in there.

Dick: have nicknames for my dick? That's weird!

Maddox: No, that's not a nickname!

Dick: That's fuckin' weird! (laughing)

Maddox: That's not a nickname, dude! A gremlin isn't a NAME, it's a, it's a THING.

Dick: That's weird, though. (still laughing)

Maddox: It's a category. It's like calling it a cat. (brief silence) Okay.

Dick: Whoooa! (grossed out)

Maddox: I'm done.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: I'm done with that. (grinning)

Dick: What's your problem?

Maddox: My second problem -

Dick: (interjects) What's your last problem?

Maddox: My second problem is, last problem, actually, yeah: the movie rating system.

Dick: What, like, R and PG-13?

Maddox: R, PG-13, PG, G -- the movie rating system. Now, this is a big problem because it causes censorship. And when the MPAA was first created back in, like, the 19-...I believe it was the 1920s. The reason the MPAA, the Motion Picture Association of America, was created was because the government was starting to come down on the motion picture industry because of puritanical beliefs.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And they wanted wholesome movies in theaters, and they threatened the motion picture industry; they said, "Look, if you guys don't regulate yourselves, WE'RE gonna come in and regulate you FOR you."

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: That's exactly what's happened to the health industry right now, with Obamacare! That's what's happened -

Dick: (interjects) No, that's not what happened to the health industry.

Maddox: Oh, absolutely! They were turning away people -

Dick: No, the government took it over.

Maddox: Yeah, but BECAUSE the health industry was turning away people with pre-existing conditions and shit like that. The government was like, "No more!"

Dick: Ohhh, this is...

Maddox: "You guys lose your cards!"

Dick: ...this is a WHOLE other thing. That is *bullshit.*

Maddox: No, if...if industries don't regulate themselves, the government does it for 'em. That's what happened with video games!

Dick: What, the government told them the same thing?

Maddox: They were under threat, there was -- Congress was having hearings left and right because of Mortal Kombat and because of Grand Theft Auto.

Dick: M'kay.

Maddox: And they said, "Look, if you guys don't get your own rating system, we're gonna make one for you." And you NEVER want the government to make their own rating system, because it gets tied up in bureaucracy and all this other bullshit! You want the industry -

Dick: (interjects) So it's success! The movie industry made a rating system. Good for them!

Maddox: Great! Good for them. Solution, right? Wrong! Because you fast forward to today, and what's happened companies know that they will make significantly less money if they release a rated-R movie.

Dick: Oh, I know, dude. It sucks. (exasperated)

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's why the new Die Hard movies are all DOG shit compared to the original! I saw Die Hard 4 as my first Die Hard movie. And I -

Dick: (interjects) That's unfortunate. (sincerely)

Maddox: Right! But I didn't KNOW that at the time. I watched it, I'm like, "Well, okay. It's an okay movie. I don't, I don't get what the big deal is." Everybody HATED it. Then I went back and I watched the original.

Dick: Perfect!

Maddox: And it was *incredible.*

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was JUST mind-blowing. SO good! The atmosphere, the acting; everything about it was great. And part of it is that they created this universe fully. In Die Hard, uh, John McClane was walking down a hallway -- there's this, just, throwaway scene where he's walkin' down a hallway and he passes a security station. In the security station, there's a bunch of pornography pinned up.

Dick: Yeah, cool. (raunchily)

Maddox: Right? It just...that little moment sets a kind of atmosphere that you can't get -

Dick: (interjects) There's danger!

Maddox: Yeah, there's danger!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: It's a seedy place, and it's also realistic 'cause immediately know the kinda guy who's a security guard who pins up porn, and you know what that says about the company that hires him, and you know what that says about the BUILDING oversight, and the supervisors who live there. So you think, "Oh, yeah! That's kinda realistic, that John McClane could get through here and there's no security guards on the top floor 'cause it's run by a bunch of fuck-ups!"

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: "They have PORN hanging up there!" That little throwaway detail -

Dick: (interjects) Plus you get to see tits! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: And plus you get to see tits. Absolutely. ('ding!' sound effect) So, that little throwaway detail added SO much to that tiny little scene that was onscreen for maybe a few seconds. And you miss that today in movies, because companies are SO...desperate! They're so hungry for that PG rating, or PG-13 rating. Did you see the new RoboCop movie?

Dick: You know, it's really shameful. Can I just say one thing?

Maddox: Hm?

Dick: Um, I did see the new RoboCop and I loved it.

Maddox: Oh, GET out... (annoyed)

Dick: Even though it was PG-13, it was -- dude, it was pretty cool.

Maddox: Terrible.

Dick: Did didn't like it?!

Maddox: Oh, SO stupid. It was like watching a boring video game where nothing's at stake and nobody gets hurt.

Dick: I don't know, 'cause there's no way they coulda topped the original RoboCop when it came to violence, though. I did like it. But, uh, Expendables 3? I'm actually, like, offended, that they went PG-13 with Expendables 3. After people like -- dummies like me were on board for 1, which was okay; 2, which was alright; it's like, "Okay, come on, we got you guys a budget for this. Can't you do, like, an awesome R-rated movie?" And now they're like, "Eh, eff you. It's PG-13."

Maddox: You know, stay true to the pedigree. It's a series that came from R-rated; stay true to the R-rated rating. Stay true to the characters, stay true to the source material! DON'T change horses mid-stream and say, "Okay, now it's a PG-13 property, 'cause we're gonna sell it to kids." And by the way, the original RoboCop sold gangbusters to kids! They sold action figures, video games, comic books - EVERYTHING was sold to kids, and it was an R-rated property! And they made money hand over fist!!

Dick: Yeah! And I watched -- I remember watching it!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I don't know why...why can't kids watch that, uh...why can't kids see boobs??

Maddox: They can, and they DO, and that's what made it so fucking cool to watch R-rated movies when we were kids! 'Cause we had to sneak to do it, and it was a fun thing, and we talked about it at school, but now it's a PG-13 bullshit-ass movie where my PARENTS are gonna go. Any movie my parents would approve of me watching, I don't wanna watch.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, here's -

Dick: (interjects) That sounds pretty, uh...that sounds pretty reasonable. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Originally, here -

Dick: It's weird, though, that kids immediately can see -- like you can have, you can steal your mom's phone for 2 seconds and see, like, the most hardcore porn...

Maddox: Well, yeah, of course. That -

Dick: ...on the EARTH, but you can't go see can't even see somebody cursing in a movie!

Maddox: Yeah, that war is lost.

Dick: It's WEIRD!

Maddox: When the MPAA -

Dick: (interjects) See, that's the nonsense that that guy's talking about in the comment that I read earlier.

Maddox: No, you're... (skeptical) Okay. So, the original ratings when they were creating these's some things that they WEREN'T allowed to show in movies: blasphemy! That was originally -- this is where the...these are the roots of the MPAA rating system.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: [continues list] Mercy killings! (Dick laughs)

Dick: That's specific!

Maddox: (chuckling) Very specific! And...white slavery. (cracks up)

Dick: Ooo!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, chicks getting sold into white slavery?

Maddox: I guess - Shanghai operations, I guess! You can't have any white slavery. These were things that they specifically outlawed by the MPAA. Well, they -- you know what? It was never an actual law; they were guidelines for the studios.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: However, they enforced them very heavy-handedly, 'til what we get today is this really...opaque system where you don't really know why your movie gets its rating, and they won't tell you what you have to change specifically but they'll just say, "Sorry, you have to go back and change a whole bunch of shit." That's why Matt Stone and Trey Parker, when they were making, um...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...what's, the movie, the...

Dick: South Park the Movie.

Maddox: No no, the other one. The puppet movie.

Dick: Oh, Team America?

Maddox: Team America! When they were making Team America, they went above and beyond with the sex scenes in the movie because they KNEW the MPAA was gonna come down with the banhammer, and they kept cutting stuff from the sex scenes in the movie. These are sex -- this is sex simulated by PUPPETS, by the way.

Dick: Puppets, right.

Maddox: Which shouldn't matter, it's puppets! It's just two people holding action figures and just goin', "Uh, uhh!" (imitating moaning) Like, who cares?! But -

Dick: (interjects) Which, kids do.

Maddox: Yeah! Oh yeah, absolutely. That's all I do with my puppets. So... (cracks up) So the MPAA came down with the banhammer so many times, they eventually cut it down to exactly what Matt Stone and Trey Parker wanted! Because they thought, "You know what? We gotta give 'em some red meat to cut," so they started with some REALLY raunchy sex scenes in the puppet -- like, as raunchy as puppets can get.

Dick: Yeah, it's pretty -- it WAS pretty raunchy. (Maddox laughs) That scene with the puppets? (smiling)

Maddox: Puppets. (scoffing) Man, who cares? It's little wooden pegs.

Dick: Suggestive!!

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I guess. So in 1956 they made a revision to the code; uh, it's the PCA code, and it was the first update since 1930. And, "The revision allowed for the treatment of some subjects which has previously been forbidden, including abortion and the use of narcotics, so long as they were 'within the limits of good taste.'" [quoting Wikipedia:]

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So you can have a 'tasteful' abortion. (both laugh) And then they replaced the 'X' rating with, uh, NC-17. Now I'll tell you why this is a big problem. So, it causes censorship in movies; they make movies tamer to chase that dollar.

Dick: Well, I don't really like to go see action movies anymore, 'cause they're all just, like, kinda lame.

Maddox: They're all...they're all -

Dick: (interjects) With the PG-13 shit.

Maddox: Yeah, they're all tame! There's nothing goin' on! There's no sex in 'em. I mean, and I'm not just saying "sex" in the literal sense. I'm talking about, you know, sex it up with some action! So, here's where it's a problem: they're talking about, now, in universities -- colleges and universities -- about adding trigger warnings to literature. Have you heard about this?

Dick: What do you mean, like a book? They're gonna rate BOOKS?

Maddox: Yup! That's what's comin'! So, I'm absolutely opposed. I argued with this guy on IRC for about an hour about why trigger warnings were a problem. You should not -

Dick: (interjects) What's a...what's a trigger warning, exactly?

Maddox: Oh, Jesus, trigger warnings! (exasperated) So, every time -- now, trigger warnings are generally only for rape victims. I mean, there are trigger warnings for everything, but generally when people talk about them...

Dick: OH, like, "Be careful when you read this book if you've had..." Like, "if you've ever been raped"?

Maddox: Yes. Mmhm.

Dick: Or...

Maddox: Any kind of trauma, like sexual trauma, whatever. I understand that they're, they have good intentions. Like, I GET it. You have good intentions. You're trying to protect rape victims.

Dick: Yeah, but that's the worst possible thing you can have, is good intentions. (Maddox scoffs) It really is. It really is!

Maddox: Ehh...

Dick: Like, the 'gooder' your intentions...the 'gooder' your intentions are, uh, and the less plan you have? The more harm you cause.

Maddox: I disagree. But, uh, anyway. That's...that's a different argument.

Dick: I don't know, man. I would rather have a guy with bad intentions than with good -- than deal with an idiot with good intentions any day.

Maddox: I think most people have good intentions. I absolutely believe that.

Dick: Well, yeah, that's the problem!

Maddox: Yeah. Well, no, the problem is their execution. If they had good intentions and they knew how to execute...the problem is, nobody's a manager. Like, we need more good CEOs and managers in the world. That's why they're so few and far between. If you knew how to execute on your good intentions, you'd be awesome. But most people aren't. So it's the same reason why people shouldn't have Myspace, because they shouldn't design their own website. People aren't designers. They shouldn't have that much control over their, their bullshit website. And if they want to, they could create their own website.

Dick: So you want *more* CEOs? (Maddox cracks up) Ohh, that's surprising!

Maddox: I want more GOOD CEOs.

Dick: What's a good CEO to you? Somebody who takes, like, a minimum wage salary and always has the right answer? (teasing) (Maddox smirks) To everything?

Maddox: I don't know, man. (chuckling)

Dick: I'm pretty sure you don't like what's goin' on with CEOs in the world. (smiling)

Maddox: Most CEOs are bullshit, no.

Dick: Ohokay.

Maddox: But there are some good ones, like Elon Musk. Uh, he's got -- he's doin' some good things, I think. But you would disagree, 'cause you think Tesla's a problem. So anyway -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, it's a...yeah.

Maddox: But back to this trigger warning thing. So they have good intentions. They want to protect people who've had trauma from additional trauma by saying, "Hey, by the way, there's a rape scene in this; there's slavery in this; there's some language in this," or whatever. Then you kind of have to think, "Okay, well, where do we stop? What trauma - "

Dick: (interjects) Stop there! Don't do that!

Maddox: No -- well, we should stop before we start. But where...what trauma do we include on this list of trigger warnings? 'Cause lots of things give people PTSD, including fat shaming! Should we say in the syllabus -- or in the titles of the book, or the credits of the book -- say, "Warning: there's some offensive language in here"?

Dick: Is this happening in a college?? Or with all books? What the hell...?

Maddox: They're starting to suggest it in colleges, that they put trigger warnings on literature. Now, here's what's coming next -

Dick: (interjects) See, that's really stupid.

Maddox: Well, I'll tell you what! It seems innocuous, it seems like, "Okay, who cares? Let's just protect rape victims, right?" But here''s where-

Dick: (interjects) No! It seems like a a stupid waste of time!

Maddox: Okay, why?

Dick: Because like, what, you don't are you not reading the book, then?

Maddox: No no, okay. So let me get to this. So, if you start -- you START with these trigger warnings. Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What's coming next is a ratings system. And as soon as they start rating books, I guaran-fuckin'-tee, the same thing's gonna happen to books that has happened to movies. And THAT'S when we see the start of the end: censorship in books. As SOON as we see censorship in books, because publishers -- as soon as publishers find out, "Oh, hey, guess what? To Kill A Mockingbird? If we remove this and this passage, more schools will carry it! So let's go ahead and remove it so we get this rating."

Dick: Didn't they take, like, N-word Jim out of Huckleberry Finn?

Maddox: Yeah! Out of Huckleberry Finn, that's where this controversy started!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They said, "Hey, that's really offensive. Let's take this out." No! It's literature! It stays in, PERIOD. No trigger warnings, no ratings, end of story. Hey, guess what? Life isn't going to always be safe for you! You're not guaranteed to never be offended.

Dick: Uh-huh. It' sounds like a stupid plan that I don't think is gonna get -- I'm not really worried about books getting banned.

Maddox: It's getting momentum, dude! As soon as we have trigger warnings, next thing is ratings. And as soon as we have ratings, publishers aren't gonna greenlight books that have offensive content in them.

Dick: Oh, then you're...then we'll just have to put everything online! Fine. Right?

Maddox: Yeah...yeah, and then net neutrality'll come along and say, "Oh, well, you want access to this website? You have to have an adult pass, and you should pay a little bit extra!" And next thing you know, everything's gone to SHIT, and then we're stuck behind slow drivers and we can't shame our kids! (yelling) (starts laughing)

Dick: Yeah, I'm tryin' to digest this...this book ban that you're proposing., that' would be STUPID, but it seems a hell of a leap!

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: Let's wrap it up. What are the problems this week?

Maddox: Shame Shaming for me, and the Movie Rating System.

Dick: I got, uh, Indignant Drivers and... (chuckles) ...uh, with the surprising revelation that you are a road rage-oholic.

Maddox: I'm not '-oholic'!! (disdainful)

Dick: And, Leaving Your Fly Open. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You know, Dick...

Dick: Which I think everyone can identify with!

Maddox: NO. First of all, chicks don't have this problem! You've immediately alienated 50 percent of the population.

Dick: Ehh...I dunno, do they?

Maddox: No! They don't...

Dick: Probably! They have flies!

Maddox: I've never...I've never had to tell a chick, "Hey man, your fly's down."

Dick: Meh. (Maddox smirks)

Maddox: Um, and then uh, yeah. Your road rage problem, which, YOU'RE the problem. You're drivin' so slow.

Dick: I don't drive slow!!

Maddox: Mmm. (dubious)

Dick: I just don't honk like you!

Maddox: Why don't you honk?! Aren't you considerate? Don't you want people to move??

Dick: Because obnoxious.

Maddox: No! What's -

Dick: (interjects) You're bothering EVERYONE with your honking! You're -- you think you're targeting that message at one person, but you're really just bothering everyone, making them ALL anxious, and it serves no purpose.

Maddox: IF YOU -

Dick: It accomplishes nothing!

Maddox: If you get anxiety from hearing honking while you drive, don't fucking drive! (yelling) You're driving, you should expect honks!!

Dick: (yelling over Maddox) That's the nature of the horn, jackass!

Maddox: NO!

Dick: It is a disruptive noise! Of COURSE everyone gets anxiety when they hear it.

Maddox: No!

Dick: It's designed to cause anxiety!

Maddox: No, you don't get anxiety! (chuckling derisively) It's designed to say, "Hey buddy, move it! Let's go!!"

Dick: No, that's not what it says! It's, everyone hears in their ear a blaring sound and it freaks them out a little bit.

Maddox: There's a polite way to do it -

Dick: (interjects) You're CAUSING more accidents than you're saving.

Maddox: Abso-fuckin'-lutely not. Okay, if you're standing in line at the bank teller, and the guy in front is texting and fuckin' around, and not paying attention, and the window's open, the cashier's open - everyone's waiting!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Do you think it's obnoxious to say, "Hey, man! There's the cashier!"

Dick: No, I say, "Hey, you're up."

Maddox: Oh, really?! That might give somebody anxiety, Dick! Better not do it!

Dick: No, I -- what I DON'T do is "EHHH-EHHHHH! EHHHH!" like that! (imitating car horn) I just say, "Hey, you're up." But in a car you don't have that ability.

Maddox: If I had a honk... (cracks up)

Dick: So I don't do anything. (spiteful)

Maddox: If I had a horn in a bank, I' bet your ass I'd use it. (grinning)

Dick: (laughing) Yeah, you're an asshole.

Maddox: Like, "Let's go, asshole! Let's move it, I gotta cash this check!!" (closing riff starts)

Dick: Alright, let's wrap it up.

Maddox: , don't forget to vote!

Dick: Thanks for listening.

Maddox: Thanks, guys.

(Closing riff)