Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 95

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.patreon.com/lafmodel

Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s!  Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code “BIGGESTPROBLEM” to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Solution theme riff starts)

Today’s show is brought to you by our own Bonus Episode! 

(Clip starts)

Sean:  “When you go to the store, what do you buy?”  (Dick laughs)

Maddox:  “I buy milk, shithead.”

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Maddox:  “Did Maddox get high and play with a door stopper before this episode?  (they laughs)

Dick:  “Did you?”

Maddox:  “No.”  (annoyed)

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Maddox:  “That’s what you do.  You’d be having sex with your cousin right now, Sean.  Without a steam engine.”

Sean:  “I think the Earl of Sandwich invented the steam engine.  (Dick cackles)

Maddox:  “No, you fuck!”

Dick:  “The Earl of Steamwich?”

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Maddox:  “I’d be a good veterinarian, Sean.  For me it’s a coin toss.  ‘Oh, what’s your dog got?  Worms?  Here.  Lemme put on my blindfold and get my pointy stick and see which one of these pills I’m gonna feed this dog.  Oh, didn’t work?  Alright, well, next animal.’”

Sean:  “Plus…”

Dick:  “When you say ‘good veterinarian’, what do you mean?” (Maddox laughs)

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Maddox:  “Tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of these drones…”

Dick:  “Millions.”

Maddox:  “No.  Let’s not get ridiculous.” (Dick cackles)(Maddox laughs)

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Maddox:  “What happened to your face, Sean?”  “Oh, I was mouthing off to Maddox.  I learned my lesson.”

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Dick:  “How come just because your civilization runs on steam, you dress like an asshole?”

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Maddox:  “Where the ratio of kids to textbooks was 17 to 1.  So 1 textbook for every 17 kids.”

Dick:  “Wow.  What textbook was it?”

Maddox:  “It was the Alphabet of Manliness.”  (they crack up)

(Clip ends)

Now available at http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox:  Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Loopholes to Assholes!  (they laugh) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox.  With me is Dick!

Dick:  Hey, what’s up, buddy?

Maddox:  Sean, our audio engineer. 

Sean:  Hello!

Maddox:  Welcome back.  Episode 95.

Dick:  Those two things together are a solution, because that’s how some very religious girls get out of losing their virginity!

Maddox: Ohh.

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Dick:  They have the Asshole Loophole. 

Maddox:  True!  The asshole loophole.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox:  That is a solution.  That is a solution to no sex in Utah.

Dick:  Is that a real thing?

Maddox: Oh, yeah.  Girls in Utah are super into anal.  And also, I’ve heard this also to be the case in Texas and a lot of the Bible Belt.  And also in Utah, sometimes they’ll go up to Nevada, get married for the weekend…

Dick:  Just to bang?

Maddox:  Just to bang, and then get divorced.

Dick:  Oh, that’s cool.  That’s what God wouldn’t wanted.

Maddox:  Yeah.  (scoffs)

Dick: I guess.

Maddox: That’s exactly what God would’ve wanted.

Dick:  Well…

Maddox:  Cause they were gonna get up to heaven and God’s gonna be like, “You guys found a loophole.  Come on in, you crazy kids!”

Dick:  Yeah, but at least you found that this guy’s willing to perpe…like, to drive out of state for you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know, a lot of girls can’t say…you don’t know!  Like, is this guy willing to even pick up a tab for me? They don’t know anymore.

Maddox:  Yeah.

Dick:  But drive out of state?  That’s…that’s true love.

Maddox: Yeah.  You know what?  Stay home, save yourself a 5-hour road trip, and then just do anal.  How about that? That’s what I say.

Dick:  And you gotta keep her motor running for five hours, too, on the way. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you’re that guy, right?

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Like, you gotta keep this girl interested in banging you.  For five hours, sober, presumably.

Maddox:  Oh, they’re interested, too.  Look, everyone’s horny. Everyone likes to fuck.  No one likes to admit it.  It’s stupid.

Dick:  Well…

Maddox: Alright.

Dick:  Alright. How did we do last week?

Maddox: Yeah.  The biggest problem in the universe…

(Sound effect: Drumroll starts)

Maddox:  From last week, Dick.

(Sound effect: Cymbal)

Maddox:  Was Slouching!

Dick: Slouching?

Maddox: Slouching.  Asterios’ problem.  I think that’s the first time Asterios has had a problem come out on top during one of these episodes.

Sean: That is a fucking fan fail, isn’t it?

Dick:  (laughing) Yeah.

Maddox: Well, slouching…I read a lot of comments from people who actually said that they felt that slouching should have easily trounced all the problems, and it was…it was pretty…

Dick:  (interjects) Even living with your parents?

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Man, that sucks.

Maddox:  Dude.  Well, speaking of.  Then followed by Celebrity Prom Requests, was the second biggest problem from last week.  And then last was Adults Living With Their Parents.

Dick:  So there’s more…so people are more upset by YouTube videos of, like, Marines and weird kids asking celebrities to prom, than they are of massive amounts of people having to live with their parents?

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick:  That’s weird.

Maddox:  Well, Dick…so I read some of these sources that you brought in, and I kept asking you last time, “Is this a problem with millennials?”  Was that, like, a sneaky way of you bringing in Millennials?

Dick:  I don’t see how it’s a sneaky way.  It says very clearly “People 18 to 35 are on the rise when it comes to living with your parents.”

Maddox:  So was your problem Millennials?

Dick:  I said it very specifically.  Adults living with their parents is a problem.  That’s the problem.

Maddox: But specifically…why is it a problem now as opposed to previous generations?

Dick:  I mean, I obviously didn’t make the case last week, I’m not gonna try to make it again.  What do you want?

Sean:  Well because…

Dick:  What are you saying?

Sean: He’s of this generation.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: You’re, like, looking at what’s going on currently, right?

Dick:  That’s what going on currently.

Sean:  I don’t think it’s millennials at all.

Dick: And it’s on the rise.

Maddox:  (interjects)  No, it is millennials.  Every single…

Dick:  (interjects)  It’s on the rise more for millennials, ‘cause they’re getting fucked over in a number of ways.

Maddox:  Well, that’s true.  But all those sources that you brought in.  I looked at them, and they all mentioned millennials.  This was a millennial phenomenon.  That’s why I mentioned…but then, also, what was interesting is, Dick, in that NPR article that you linked to.

Dick:  Mmm.

Maddox: They said that 61% of the people who were living at home…the kids who were still living at home with their parents, or adults living at home with their parents…are happy.  Or happier, than they were before.  So that’s kind of telling, I think.

Sean:  Well, when you get meals cooked and your laundry done, I mean…

Dick:  (interjects)  Sure.

Maddox:  Yeah.

Sean:  It’s a pretty cush life in comparison.

Dick:  It’s great.

Maddox:  I guess I…

Dick:  (interjects)  People coloring in adult coloring books probably report being pretty happy, too.  (Sean laughs)  But I recall that being a problem, for some reason.

Maddox:  No.

Sean:  Is a lot of these from Europe, too?

Maddox:  No, they’re not. 

Sean:  No, US?

Maddox:  They’re talking about the US.  Like, people who live back at home.  No, the adult coloring book…that’s a phenomenon that’s on the rise because there’s some study that came out that said that it helps relieve stress.  And it’s just like the same…one of these horseshit studies gets picked up in Mashable or NPR, like any of these websites, they pick up these studies about people who find comfort in their dogs.  And now people are bringing their dogs around everywhere.

Dick:  Hmm.

Maddox: Like, they can’t leave the house because they’re fucking psychopaths and they need their comfort animal just to survive and exist in society. 

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: It’s insane.

Dick:  So we got some…we got a lot of presents to get to, right?

Maddox:  We do.  We do, Dick. 

Dick:  We always take up too much time.

Maddox:  Yeah, before…

Dick:  (interjects) With arguing over old shit.

Maddox:  Before…(laughing)

Dick:  (interjects) Let’s get to these presents.

Maddox:  Before we…before we move on, we did get some fan boxes, and again, my package lady dropped the ball.  Didn’t call me.  Didn’t call me in time.  But we got a bunch of packages here.  Uh, this is…this one is sent in from Katie Kellogg.  Uh, she sent me a message on Twitter and said that…(laughs) she overnighted these to us…

Dick:  When, six weeks ago? (everyone laughs)

Maddox:  (laughing)  Says, “Dear Maddox, Dick, Sean, Asterios, and Airhorn Randy.  I made you these cricket flour brownies. Now you can eat Maddox’s worst enemy in the most delicious way possible. Mmm.  Sweet, sweet revenge.  Bon appétit.”

Dick:  Wait, there’s crickets in these?

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick:  Oh.  I don’t want these, then.

Sean:  Are there really?

Maddox: (laughs)  Yeah.  (cracks up) 

Sean:  I already ate a little bit of it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean:  It was just really, really, chocolatey.

Dick:  I told you not to, didn’t I!  I didn’t eat any of these fucking brownies yet!

Sean:  I’m eating it! I’m not afraid of cricket flour!! 

Maddox: Yeah. There you go!  Sean’s eating it!  That’s…bravo, Sean!

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Maddox:  There’s a real man.

Dick:  Oh, it’s cricket flour? 

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick: Oh.

Maddox:  And she says, “You gotta know how much…”

Sean:  (interjects)  It’s good!

Maddox: Yeah, it is good.

Sean: It tastes like a brownie. A really chocolatey brownie.

Maddox: Yeah.  She says…

Dick:  (interjects) Lemme try some. Give it to me. 

Maddox:  She says, “You gotta know how much I love this podcast when I will eat bugs to do quality assurance for you people.  By the way, this is the same Katie who recently left a voice mail blushingly extolling the virtues of Sean.”  Sean, mmm?

Dick: What?!  I didn’t get that!!

Maddox: Uh-huh. “I may have also called Dick “Tinyface”.  Now you know what I sound like at 2 AM on a Monday.  Love you all minus Airhorn Randy.  I don’t know you well enough yet, Bub.  Katie.”  Thank you, Katie!

Dick:  It’s good!  Good brownie.

Maddox:  She sent us these brownies.  And on the cover…

Dick:  (interjects)  Tastes a little stale, though.  She should have overnighted them or something.  (they laugh) 

Maddox: On the cover of the…the Tupperware…(Dick laughs)  She put a little Jiminy Cricket with X’s on its eyes. 

Sean:  Look at the Tupperware she sent. 

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick:  That’s high-quality Tupperware!

Sean:  That’s like…I know.  My mom is pissed if those don’t come back!

Maddox:  Yeah!!  High-quality Tupperware!  (Dick giggles)  And then she also sent…

Dick:  (interjects)  And a rare insight into Sean’s upbringing!  (grins)

Maddox: Mhmm.

Sean:  No!!  She’s…(laughs)

Dick:  Tupperware is MADE to be given away!

Maddox:  Sean, is your mom Armenian?

Sean:  She might as well be. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Oh, she’s as white as the driven snow.  Please, how dare you. 

Maddox:  Yeah.  (laughing)  What do you mean, how dare me?! (cracks up)  How dare YOU, how dare me!!!!

Sean:  I think I just picked a leg out of my teeth.

Maddox:  Uh…(laughs)  She also sent us a bag…it says, “This is the brand I used for your information.”  She sent us a little bag of cricket flour.

Dick:  Oh, look at that!

Maddox: Yeah! 

Dick:  (interjects)  Lemme see that!

Maddox:  Yeah.  100% cricket flour. The real thing!

Dick:  And it’s got a big cricket on the cover!

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean:  Can you see through it?

Dick: What do you mean?

Sean:  Well, I wanna see what the color of cricket flour looks like.

Dick:  Can you see THROUGH it?  What, like…

Sean:  (interjects)  No, the bag.

Dick:  Invisible powder?

Sean:  The packaging.

Maddox:  No, he was wondering what the color of the cricket flour is.

Dick:  Oh, oh, oh.  No, no, no, no. Well, let’s open it up!

Maddox: Sure.  Let’s crack it open.

Dick: Randy’s not here, by the way.

Maddox:  No Candy Randy.  No airhorns. 

Dick:  We can talk about apples…we can talk about libertarians…

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick:  I wanna talk about the GOP Debate!!

Maddox: Uh-huh!! (they laugh)

Dick:  Bla, bla, bla, bla.  (crinkling paper)  Alright.

Maddox: Handy Randy.  Producer Handy Randy not here to witness these delicious…

Dick:  (interjects)  See what it looks like.

Maddox:  …brownies.  And this cricket flour we got.

Dick:  Oh, it’s brown, like brown sugar.

Maddox:  It’s brown.  Yeah.  It looks like brown sugar, this cricket flour.

Dick:  Sean, look.  You wanted to see it.

Sean:  Yeah.

Dick: There.

Sean:  No, it looks like brown sugar.

Maddox:  Looks like brown sugar.

Sean:  Can I try a little?

Maddox: YEAH!

Dick:  Okay…why are you so obsessed with this cricket flour?!

Maddox: There we go!!

Sean:  Well I’m interested!! (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.  It’s all…it’s protein-packed, guys.  Hey, I have a confession to make. Alright?  So I made that cricket video.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, I killed and ate that cricket, and then I put a bunch of their heads on stakes out front, in my lawn.

Dick:  Oh, cool.  Toothpicks?

Maddox:  On toothpicks, yeah. And after all of that, I still have crickets.

Dick:  Ohhh.

(Sound effect:  Booooo!!)

Dick:  Well, you taunted them!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  By putting the pikes out there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  That was a mistake.

Maddox: I am about to lose my mind with these crickets.  What, Sean?

Sean:  It’s a little bit funky, but…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  (interjects)  What do you mean, funky?

Sean:  …it’s not bad.  It just has a little…it’s got a funny taste, and I can’t compare it to anything.

Dick:  Well, have you ever eaten flour on its own before?  How the fuck would you compare?

Sean:  Yeah!

Dick: You have?! (Maddox giggles)

Sean:  Sure.  Yeah!

Dick:  What do you mean, sure?!?!!  WHY did you eat flour on its own?!

Sean:  Well, if you’re makin’ shit and you got it on your fingers…(Maddox laughing)  I mean, yeah, it’s gotten in my mouth before.

Dick:  If you’re so high and you needed something to eat that you’ll tear through the pantry looking for anything to shove in your mouth, like that you mean?!  Or what?!

Sean:  Don’t worry about what I do.

Dick:  (cracks up)  It’s just weird!!

Maddox:  Well, Sean…Sean, if you got, like, baking soda on your hand, would you just lick it off, too?

Sean:  Well, yeah.  You gotta make a volcano.  (they laugh)

Dick:  Alright.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick:  Did we get any more presents?

Maddox: Uh, we did.  And we got another package…

Dick:  (interjects) Thank you, Katie.

Maddox: Yeah, thank you Katie Kellogg.  That’s a very, very thoughtful gift and I appreciate that more crickets died for that.  I appreciate that.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Then we got another gift.  We got another package from long-time fan Candace.  Candace, fan of mine from Twitch, actually.  And then started listening to the podcast.  She said, “Hi, idiots.” 

Dick:  Stop reading it right there!  Fuck her!  (Maddox cracks up)  Don’t read it! No, no, that’s it.  That’s it.  Fuck you, Candace!  (they laugh)

Maddox:  She sent us a big box of cookies.

Dick:  That’s called discipline.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, go ahead.

Maddox: She sent us a big box of cookies.  She says, “Hi, idiots.  Enjoy these cookies I made with real crickets and monkeys.  (Maddox and Sean laugh)” She said, “They pair well with Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey.  Please share with your neighborhood Lyft driver, Tim Changzz.  Love, Candace.  PS: Dick, go fuck yourself.”  And then she sent us a HUGE box of cookies.  Look at how many cookies there…

Dick:  Wow.

Maddox: I’m holding this box.  It’s probably, like, a 2-3 pound box of cookies, right here. 

Dick:  It’s good!

Maddox:  Maybe a pound.  Yeah.

Dick: Ooh, white chocolate.  I like white chocolate.

Maddox: Yeah, we got white chocolate.  Sean, white chocolate for you?

Dick:  (interjects)  I like the references, because I can tell how old these things are based on the episodes they’re referencing. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No, this was actually pretty recent.

Dick:  Which we need to do, because of the shenanigans at your P.O. box place.

Maddox: The shipping is…and every time I go in there, the shipping lady gives me some passive aggressive line.  She says, “So, do you live far away?” (Sean laughs) Every single time, you know, because she thinks I don’t go in enough.  She says, “You should come in more.”  I’m like, “Why?  You always call me when I get a package.”

Dick: Yeah.  Well, I dunno.

Maddox: Anyway.

Dick:  Um, alright.  I’m gonna skip right to the…there’s some more fan presents.  Digital presents.  Do you remember when I said…do you remember that voice mail caller, said we should do a sign language interpretation of me talking?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  So Daniel…Daniel Heggie from Australia did it.  “Dick, you asked for it in last week’s episode…great podcast.  But hey, you asked for a sign language interpretation of one of your rants.  Feel free to post.  Also, please add that this is Australian sign language, not American sign language.”  So make sure…before you tear into the guy, when we post the video, make sure everybody knows this is Australian sign language.

Maddox:  Yeah, I guess there’s a difference.

Dick:  They do everything upside down.  (Maddox giggles) It’s like gang signs.  Australian sign language.

Maddox: They do.  There’s ASL…well, ASL could stand for Australian Sign Language, as well.

Dick:  Their abbreviation is Auslan, I think. 

Maddox:  Oh.  Anyway.  I saw that video, yeah.  He sent in a video of a sign language version of one of your rants.

Dick:  Yeah, okay.

Maddox:  Dick.

Dick:  Here you go.  You guys watch this.  It’s pretty cool! 

(Clip starts)

Dick:  Great audio, like all YouTube videos.

Daniel:  Hey, guys. You want a rant?  Here’s a rant. 

Clip of Dick: “Being in love and having a sexual relationship with them.  NOW, the most misogynistic person on the Internet is explaining to people the basics of courtship and attraction!  Do we understand that!?  Do we understand that a person who is proud of that is explaining to everybody, ‘Yeah, you meet someone, you court them, you talk to them, you get to know them.  Chemicals in your brain and….”

Dick:  You see that “Get to know them?”  It looks like humping?  (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. 

(rant continues in the background)

Dick:  So that’s the sign for getting to know somebody.

“…Then it wears off!  Then you start drinking!  Then you start hanging out…”

Maddox:  Alright.  We’ll post this on the website.

Dick:  Yeah! It’s pretty cool.

(rant continues)

Maddox:  We’ll post this on the website.

(Clip stops)

Dick:  Looks a lot slower when he’s doing it, though.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Here’s another one.  Yeah, somebody compiled all the “Go fuck yourselves”.  Adam Angel.  “Hey guys, I love the show.  I made a compilation of fans telling Dick to go fuck himself from the last 70 episodes.”  Here you go.

Sean: (in background)  Jesus. 

Dick:  Yeah. It’s great.

Maddox: It’s a lot. 

(Clip starts:

Maddox:  “Um, I’ve gotten, in the last, I’d say, two days, maybe just a half dozen of emails from people.  All for various topics, various subjects.  Either praising the show, or commenting, or sending in problem suggestions, etc, etc.  And invariably, they’re all addressed to me, and invariably, at the end…they all sign off with, ‘PS, Dick’s an idiot.’ Or ‘PS, Dick’s an asshole.”

Dick:  “Oh.”  (disappointed)

Maddox:  (giggles)  “It just seems like a common sign off, and he did it in that voice mail, too.”

Dick:  “Well, here’s another voice mail.”

Maddox:  “Great.” 

Voice mail:  “Hello.  Dick, go fuck yourself.”

Dick:  That’s pretty much it.  (Maddox guffaws)

Voice mail: “Anyway, Dick, go fuck yourself.  Okay.”  (Maddox giggles))

(they talk over the clip)

Dick:  It’s five minutes of this. 

Maddox:  Yeah. It’s a long clip. 

(Clip continues)

(Voice mail: “Hope that we can find some common ground, go fuck yourself, Dick!”

Dick:  “Dammit!  Dammit.”

Maddox: “Yeah, go fuck yourself, Dick.”

Voice mail:   “The real Angelo…(inaudible).  OH-KAY!  Fuck yourself, Dick!”

Dick:  Oh, dammit!  (Maddox laughs)

(Clip cuts off)

Dick:  Alright, I’ll post it later.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  You got some comments or voice mails of your own? 

Maddox: Um…I got a quick comment from Michael Juan Perez.  He says, “I just want to point out that people calling in sick for sports games isn’t really unique to Italy or Europeans.  Living in Texas, I know plenty of people who call in to watch Cowboys, and I bet people in Green Bay or Pittsburgh do the same.  People also call in for a day or two to go to concerts, and also if they suddenly score tickets to a game or a concert.”  So I guess his point is that people call in sick when they want to have a day off.  (laughs)

Dick:  Sure.   Here’s somebody settling the Ronda Rousey debate.

Maddox: Oh, let’s hear it, yeah.

Dick:  Remember that?  You and Asterios thought she was hot.

Maddox:  She is hot.

Dick:  You guys have gotten kicked in the head by a mule, or something. Maybe you’re blind.  I don’t…

Maddox:  Okay.  Yeah.

Dick:  …think she’s hot at all. (Sean cracks up)

Maddox:  Yeah.

(Voice mail: male voice: “Hey fucking Maddox and Osterios, you’re fucking dumb!  I agree with Dick for once, which is surprising when it comes to me.”

Dick:  For once.

“Yeah, Ronda Rousey isn’t that attractive. She’s not hot, but she’s kind of attractive.  Dick is totally right.  I don’t want a fucking woman who’s probably fucking stronger than me.  She’d probably, like, break my neck if I’m fucking trying to choke her.  She’d be like “Oh, harder!” and I’ll be like, “No, fuck you.”  She’s too dominant.  Fucking Dick…(inaudible) dominated Jesus fucking something woman fuck me, I can’t speak.”)

Dick:  Can’t even understand.

Maddox: Whaaaaaat?  (giggles) 

Sean:  Well, thanks for taking a break walking dogs to call in, there.  (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.  What the hell is going on over there, with your shitty, what do you have, Cricket Wireless over there?  Uh, your shitty dog barking in the background? Your comfort animal?  I don’t need advice from this guy, telling me what is or isn’t hot!  Why don’t you work on your phone call?! Your phone etiquette, dickhead?!

Dick:  Well, Rhonda Rousey actually called in.

Maddox: Oh, yeah!? (giggles)  Let’s hear it.

Dick:  Thankfully.  Yeah.

 

(Voice mail:  (clearly male, gravelly): “Dick, this is Ronda Rousey. (they all crack up)  I’m calling to…how dare you tell me I’m not hot?!  I will put you in a headlock so hard…I’ll pop that tiny face of yours like a…(inaudible), motherfucker!!”)

(Maddox cracks up)

Dick:  See? That’s hot to you guys!?

Maddox:  That is so sexy.

Dick:  That’s how you want a woman to talk to you in bed?

Maddox: Oh, my gosh. That’s hot. That’s really hot.

Dick:  That’s gross, man.

Maddox:  No, I don’t like women who are too petite.  I don’t like women who are too dainty.

Dick:  Too hot? 

Maddox:  Too…(laughs)

Dick:  Way too hot for me.  Too hot.

Maddox:  Look, Ronda Rousey’s a babe.  She’s not, like, a 10, but she’s really fucking hot.

Dick:  Oh, a BABE.  Get the hell out of here!

Maddox: Yeah. She’s a babe!

Dick:  Did you like Xena, Warrior Princess?  Would you jerk off to that?

Maddox:  She’s alright.

Dick:  Would you jerk off to it?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick:  That was the question!

Maddox: The answer is yes.

Dick:  When you were a kid.

Maddox:  Well, when I was a kid, I didn’t.  But I would. 

Dick:  What the hell does that mean?

Maddox:  If I had a time machine, right?  And I went back and found myself 17 years old…

Dick: Like a mental time machine!?

Maddox: No, a real time machine! You know.

Dick:  Okay.

Maddox: Like your solution, Dick!

Dick:  You would go back and jerk off yourself as a kid?! (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: No, dickhead.  (Dick giggles)  I would go back when I’m 17, you know. Right as I’m about to jerk off, I’m like, “Hey buddy.  Here’s Xena Warrior magazine.

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox:  Right?

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: Give myself a little fap aid, huh?  A little wank aid. Wank aid. That’s what you call it.

Dick:  Sure.  Okay. (scoffs)  That’s what you…for…well.

Maddox:  A wank supplement!  Yeah, man.  Xena was kinda cute!  I mean, she had kind of a square jaw, a little mannish. But there was a lesbian…

Dick:  (interjects)  A little mannish and Ronda Rousey is hot?!!?!

Maddox:  Ronda Rousey is not…

Dick:  And Lucy…

Maddox:  (interjects)  Ronda Rousey…if you didn’t know Ronda Rousey was a world famous champion of mixed martial arts, you wouldn’t guess.  ‘Cause she’s not muscular.  She’s not really…like, her muscles aren’t very pronounced.

Dick:  Well, she’s still not a world champion of martial arts, so eff you, Ronda Rousey.

Maddox: Well, she was. 

Dick:  There you go.  I got one for you.

(Voice mail:  female voice:  “Hi, Maddox.  My name is Sasha, and I’m from Pennsylvania.  (lisping her s’s to sound like “sh”) and I’m 17 years old and I was wondering if you could take me to my senior prom, because nobody’s asked me yet.  And I think you’re so hot.”

Dick:  Oh, that’s nice.

“And I like soup and specially (inaudible), so maybe after prom, we can go out and get some soup!”

Dick: That’s pretty good. 

“Or we could go over to your mom’s house and she could make us some soup and bring it to us in the basement!”

Dick:  You got that in common!

“Please let me know, because I really would love to go to prom with you, and I have this super sexy dress that I like to wear.”

Maddox:  Uh-huh.  (skeptical.

Dick:  Super sexy prom dress!

“So I just wanna make sure that we match.  So call me back and let me know what color you’re going with.  Byeeeee!!”)

Maddox:  Okay.  (laughs)

Dick: What do you think?

Maddox:  That made my skin crawl. 

Sean:  She’s doing Shelley from Shouth Park!  (lisps)

Maddox:  (laughing) You remember a long time ago, on the old Conan O’Brien show, when he was still on network TV, Amy Poehler.  Before Amy Poehler really, like, had a huge name behind her, she was Conan O’Brien’s sister.

Dick:  Mhmm.

Maddox: And she kind of talked like that, too.  That’s kind of what that reminded me of.  No, man. Like, here’s the thing.  You got this girl.  I’m gonna assume hot, ‘cause any girl who’s into me is HOT. 

Dick: That girl sounded hot.

Maddox: Yeah, she…(cracks up)

Dick:  In your defense.

Maddox: She sounded really hot, with the braces.  Um…but, look.  Any girl who’s into me is super hot, right? And she’s 17.  So…immediately, there’s no point.  What am I gonna do going to prom with this girl?  Like what can you possibly even do? I’m a grown-ass man.  I’m not going to prom with a 17-year-old. 

Dick:  Okay.  So no.

Maddox:  The answer is no.  (Sean laughs)  (Maddox laughs)

Dick: You mean you could just go to prom.  You don’t always have to bang her.

Maddox: I wouldn’t know!

Dick: You just go to prom and have a nice time.

Maddox:  I never went to prom, remember?  I pushed my friend’s car…

Dick:  (interjects) Oh, that’s right! (Maddox laughs) Is that why you and Asterios hate it so much!? ‘Cause you didn’t go to prom?!

Maddox: I dunno.  I think Asterios did go to prom, but I never went to prom.  I thought it was stupid.

Dick:  You think someone went to prom with that guy?  Oh my God, poor girl.

Maddox:  Why not!? (laughs)  Get the fuck outta here.

Dick:  That guy comes to pick up your daughter on prom?  You’re like “Accccch, come on!”

Maddox: Aw, get outta here!  (Dick laughs) Asterios is a smooth criminal, my friend.

Dick: Oh, please!

Maddox: Yeah.  He’s very sneaky,.

Dick:  Everyone on the show’s a player.  Awesome.

Maddox:  No. 

Dick:  Alright, you wanna do…

Maddox:  (interjects) Definitely not true.

Dick:  Uh, you wanna get to some problems?

Maddox: Yeah, Dick.  What’s your biggest problem this week?

Dick:  Bumper Stickers.

Maddox:  (scoffs) Bumper Stickers.  Okay.  Why is that a problem?

Dick:  They’re annoying.

Maddox:  Alright.

Dick:  Have you ever had a good experience with a bumper sticker?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick:  Have you?  (giggles) Okay.  What was your…what, did you see one of your own bumper stickers?

Maddox: Yeah, exactly!

Dick:  I forgot! I’m talking to Big Bumper over here. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  What was your positive experience with a bumper sticker?

Maddox:  Well, I’ve seen some bumper stickers that made me laugh. (Dick guffaws)

Dick:  What, like Calvin peeing on something?

Maddox:  Yeah, that’s funny.

Dick:  Ohohoho!!! 

Sean:  Yeah, but it’s like…in lieu of a personality, I’m gonna slap this shit on my car.

Maddox: No, you know, I get it.  Bumper stickers can be annoying. I’ve seen cars that WAY overdo it.  They put their political opinions ALL OVER their fucking car.  And you know…first of all, we get it.  You’re a Liberal.  You don’t have to tell us you’re driving a Prius.

Dick:  Or the reverse.

Maddox: Or the reverse!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  We get it.  You’re a conservative.  You’re driving a pickup truck on a lift.  Right.  We get it.

Dick:  You’re driving a truck.  Right.  With little balls dangling from the back.

Maddox:  Right.

Dick:  And a Metal Militia sticker on the back windows.

Maddox: Yeah.  Yeah.

Dick:  So you can’t see anything. 

Maddox:  And you know…you know their political opinion because they’re always the first to include a bumper sticker that has Barack Obama’s full name on it.  Barack HUSSEIN Obama…

Dick:  (interjects)  It’s a damning name!

Maddox:  They really want to emphasize that HUSSEIN in there.  They really want…

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  What…like…(stammers)  That never happens with any other candidate.  What does the J stand for in Donald J. Trump?  Or…Hilary Rodham Clinton?!  Hilary RODham? Like, no one gives a shit.  Except for Barack Hussein Obama, and it’s a little tinge of xenophobia.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox:  But there’s…so…

Dick:  (interjects)  But that was your good experience with a bumper sticker?  What’s your good experience?  Do you have a specific one, or did you just want to shit on the problem?

Maddox:  No, my specific…(Dick cackles)  My specific one…(Dick cracks up)  No, I mean, I don’t have a strong opinion either way…

Dick:  (interjects)  Look, they’re annoying. I’ll let you think about it.  What?

Sean:  I think your real problem is Millennials.  (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.  All these millennials with their bumper stickers!!?

Maddox: Yeah, Dick! 

Dick:  I wish they had Millennial On Board.  On their cars.  I’d be a lot nicer to those guys.  I feel bad for them!  Am I the only one who feels bad for millennials, that they got…not only did they get fucked financially, like, in every sense of the word!  They got fucked financially.  They got fucked education-wise, ‘cause they’ve been raised by the education system to be inclusive pussies!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like..(stammers) to a degree that I could not even IMAGINE being raised in.  Then they got fucked economically when they hopped out of school, AND…everyone shits on them CONSTANTLY!!  Just because they have the ability to share their mind online.  Yet…yet they’re still changing the world with everything they do!  Facebook, every new technology has got millennial stamps all over it!  And what do they get for it?  Shit on!  Shit on.  I feel bad for them.  They’re still annoying, but I feel bad for them.  Okay.  Bumper stickers.  Never had a good experience with one. It’s like when you put a bumper sticker on your car…okay?  This is the difference between a private space and a public space.  You go out into a public space.  Can you imagine just walking around saying the things that are on your bumper sticker?  (Sean chuckles)  Like, everything on your bumper sticker would be considered extremely inappropriate and uncivilized behavior.

Maddox: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dick. Why don’t you take a step back and coexist, okay? (laughs)

Dick:  Yeah, exactly!  Like, if you were walking in to a coffee shop or a movie theater, and you just go, “Hey, everybody, everybody, everybody.  Coexist.”  (Maddox laughs)  Alright?  Like who the fuck are you?!

Maddox:  You’d be an asshole!

Dick:  Or anything!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Like, you know.  Talking about your kids.  They’ve got those little bumper stickers of, like, your whole family?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  It’s like…THAT.  That is considered offensive behavior to just walk up to someone, like, “Hey, lemme tell you about my kids.” It’s like, “Dude, fuck…”

Maddox:  (interjects)  Fuck off, yeah.

Dick:  Go away.  Get the hell outta here.

Maddox: I’m calling the police!  This is a crime.

Dick: Yeah.  I’m either calling the police or I’m calling your kids.  You pick!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Which one do you want me talking to?

Maddox: No, man. I’ll tell you a time when I was REALLY annoyed by a bumper sticker. Uh, I was driving behind some guy, and I saw this bumper sticker I’d never seen before. It said, “World Peace begins with your turn signal.” (Dick laughs)  I lost my fucking mind!  I drove up…I went out of my way…I went in the left-hand turn lane, so we were both going straight, right?

Dick:  I can see this making you lose your mind, yeah.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.  I went in my left-hand turn lane, pulled up next to him, honked, and flipped him off!  How’s that for world peace, fuckface?!  And then I cut him off, too!!  I was so pissed off at this guy!

Dick: Oh.  Did you have your signal on?  (grins)

Maddox: No!  (they all crack up)  This guy’s a piece of shit! Fuck you with your condescending lecture about world peace, you dickhead!  World peace starts with your turn signal!?  Go fuck yourself!  You…look! I think it’s important to signal in traffic!  But I don’t have delusions about it causing the start of world peace, dickhead!  That’s not how world peace starts!

Sean:  I love that he took that literally.

Dick: What?

Sean:  Are you actually following that logical progression to…

Maddox:  (interjects)  I believe it!  I believe that’s what that guy thought, Sean!

Dick: Yeah, but I think he’s right!  Like, the basic…I think that guy and that bumper sticker are right.  That, like, basic human treatment…basic manners?  Manners are the glue that holds society together.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick:  Like, if everyone had better manners, society would be better; however, the PRESUMPTION of your guilt.  Like, the projection of him saying, “Hey, you know what, buddy? You better signal.”  It’s like if someone presumes I’m gonna be guilty of doing something that they want me to do, I’m gonna do it!  Like…

Maddox:  (interjects)  That’s stupid.  Why? Why would you do that?

Dick:  Because they’ve assaulted me with this belief! This saying, “Hey, you know what?  Do your part for world peace. Signal.”  Like, okay.  Well, did you think I wasn’t gonna si…like, why did you…why did you need to tell me this?  What about me…made you need to tell me this?  Like, fuck you!

Maddox: Yeah.  You know what, Dick?  I think you…

Dick:  (interjects) It’s the same reason YOU got upset!

Sean:  (interjects) Yeah, as soon as…

Dick:  (interjects) It’s exactly the same!

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean:  As soon as he saw you on the road, he slapped it on, right?

Dick:  Yeah.  Yeah. (Maddox laughs)

Sean:  It’s to you specifically.

Maddox:  You know what, though?  It’s conflating two different messages, here.  Look.  You want to spread the message that basic etiquette of society is what keeps us civil and what keeps society going.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox:  I get it!  Fine. 

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: I agree…I’m on  board with that point!

Dick:  Uh-huh.  But he’s not doing it!

Maddox: And then the other message is, “You should use your turn signals.” I’m on board with that point as well!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Those are both great messages, guys.  But one doesn’t cause the other, and has nothing to do with the other!  I get what you’re trying to say with your fucking goody two-shoes bumper stick, fuckface!

Dick:  Mhmm.  Uh-huh.

Maddox:  But I…I use my turn signal all the fucking time and I don’t feel like the world is any more peaceful!  Listen to my voice!

Dick: You don’t sound peaceful. (Sean and Maddox laugh)  No.  The point is, you can’t have a good experience with it.  Even if you…have you seen the cops driving around with “There’s no ex…”  Have you seen?

Maddox: Yeeeeeah.

Dick:  At SOME point…(Maddox sighs)  Some bumper sticker manufacturer convinced all the cops in LA to drive around with a bumper sticker that says “There’s no excuse for domestic violence.”

Maddox:  Right.

Dick:  And as soon as I saw that, I was annoyed, because, well first of all, the police car itself is a reminder to not do crimes.  That’s why they all look like that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  It’s a reminder to not be a criminal.  An extra reminder tacked onto the end is…(stammers) so, of all the crimes, that’s the one you guys picked, first of all?  Secondly, there’s tons of excuses for domestic violence.

Maddox: Oh, geez.

Dick:  (stammers) You grew up with violent parents? 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Like, you’re in toxic relationships?  These are all excuses for dome…

Maddox:  Mmm.

Dick: There’s no excuse for domestic violence?  Well yeah, to you guys, no. ‘Cause you just show up and arrest the man!

Maddox: Dick, those aren’t excuses for domestic violence.  They’re explanations for domestic violence. There’s no excuse for domestic violence.

Dick:  What’s the difference?  (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: There’s a big difference!

Dick:  What’s the difference?  Come on.

Maddox:  No, but I know what you’re talking about.  Maybe cops have that on their bumpers because those are the majority of calls that they get.  But I will tell you a good experience I’ve had with bumper stickers.

Dick: Have they dropped?  Are those bum…like, “Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t smack my wife around or scream at my husband until he falls asleep.”

Maddox:  Well, Dick…(Sean laughs)

Dick:  You know?  (laughing)

Maddox: Maybe someone who’s stuck in traffic behind a cop car, staring blankly…which nobody does anymore, ‘cause everyone’s fucking texting.

Dick:  Well, that’s where you’re gonna be when those assholes drive at 60 on the freeway, is right behind a cop getting steam blowing out of your ears, ‘cause you can’t drive a correct speed on the freeway.

Maddox:  Right.  Yeah.

Dick:  Go ahead.

Maddox:  So you might see this bumper sticker, and you might think about that message. There is no excuse for domestic violence.  And you might have that moment of epiphany where it’s like, “Okay, maybe there isn’t.”  ‘Cause then the person who’s having that thought may realize that an explanation is not an excuse. That’s a very subtle and important distinction, but it’s a world of difference.

Dick:  That’s a big bumper sticker.

Maddox: No, what?!

Dick:  Everything you just described.

Maddox: I don’t…

Dick:  (interjects) ‘Cause I still don’t get it.

Maddox:  I don’t need to put that whole thing on a bumper sticker.  No, I’ve seen some…

Dick:  (interjects) Do you have any bumper stickers?  Have you ever had one?

Maddox: Uh, yeah. I have one right now on my car.

Dick: Oh, my.  (scoffs)

Maddox:  I’ll tell you what…

Dick:  (interjects) What does it say?  I love masturbating?  Cool as shit?

Maddox:  No.  (grins) No, you know what?  The bumper sticker I have on my car, I’m not gonna tell you specifically what it is. There are no words on it, it’s just a symbol.  And it is a symbol to get me out of trouble.  And I’ll just say that much.

Dick: Is it a fireman’s little thing?

Maddox:  Something like that, yeah.

Dick:  I mean a lot of people have those.

Maddox: Yeah, I know.

Dick: You’re not…yeah, okay.

Maddox:  Um, but anyway.  So here’s my positive experience with a bumper sticker.  I used to make these bumper stickers that had a garbage can tipped over, and it said, “Littering Kicks Ass”. 

Dick:  Mmm.

Maddox:  And it showed a whole bunch..’cause I think that littering creates jobs.  Uh, you know.  Someone’s gotta pick up that trash at some point.

Dick:  Yeah.  Some Indian’s gotta cry on TV.  (Sean and Maddox chuckle)  Sure.  You’re right.

Maddox:  It…(laughing)

Sean:  That is a lost reference, now.

Dick:  Oh, yeah.  Millennials don’t get that one, do they?

Sean:  No.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: They have a heart!

Sean:  I barely remember it!

Maddox:  Na…yeah. 

Dick:  (interjects)  It was a commercial.  An Indian guy crying..

Maddox: I remember.

Dick:  Yeah, okay.

Maddox:  Native Americans crying on TV.

Sean:  It’s been parodied. It gets parodied every now and again.

Dick:  Sure.

Maddox:  Um, so anyway.  My friend…I used to create that bumper sticker.  It said, “Littering Kicks Ass” with a garbage can tipped over.

Dick:  Mhmm.

Maddox: And my friend bought one of those stickers and put it on his Prius, back when Priuses were first coming out and they were all touted as being environmentally sound cars.  He put one on his Prius, and I thought that was so funny. That was one of my favorite experiences with a bumper sticker.  And another one is my own logo! My own logo is a bumper sticker.  That’s pretty cool.  Put that on your car!! Looks cool as shit!

Dick: Yeah, that’s cool.  Umm…(Maddox laughs)  Speaking of…(they laugh)

Maddox: Sounded very sincere. 

Dick:  It’s a cool logo.  Um…you could put it anywhere, though.  You could put it on your laptop. So here’s a study I brought in.  And it’s an old study. I don’t wanna spend too much time on it.  Territorial markings are a predictor of aggressive driving and a road rage.  This is a real study, I think from the Colorado University.  They quizzed a bunch of volunteers about their cars and driving.  Things like “How much do you care about your car?”  “Do you decorate your car?”  “Do you accessorize your car?”  Um, including things like new stereos and, like, stupid plastic dashboard shit, and bumper stickers.  And they found that…lemme see what the conclusion is.  Basically, the more you treat your car, which is on the border of being a public and private space, because you think it’s private because it’s a little room on wheels; however, it’s in a public space.  You’re in the congress of traffic.  You’re in public, right?  The more you treat your individual public space as though it were private, it makes you more territorial when you’re on the road.  That was their conclusion.  That you think this is yours.  You think “this is my lane”.  You think people jump into YOUR lane and cut YOU off instead of seeing it as where people who don’t accessorize their car, who don’t think their car is an extension of their dick, those people are more forgiving on the road and less likely to be a road rage.

Maddox: Yeah, I believe it.  That sounds sound.  It sounds like tribalism, to me. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know what it is?  Bumper stickers were the original virtue signaling.  Essentially.  ‘Cause you could put these little messages on there about coexistence, or little messages about how you think that whatever political party you’re opposed to…

Dick:  (interjects) Or not treading on me!

Maddox: Yeah, don’t…

Dick:  (interjects)  Yeah.  Don’t tread on me!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Don’t you dare!

Maddox: It’s virtue signaling.  It’s the original virtue signaling, because you can put these little pithy messages on your bumper and let everyone know what a good person you are for signaling, ‘cause you’re starting world peace. You’re starting a movement for world peace.

Dick:  16% more likely to be a road rage if you have bumper stickers on your car.  That’s you, buddy.

Maddox: I don’t…well. 

Dick:  (interjects)  You got your fireman thing!

Maddox: The one sticker I have…the one sti…(laughs)

Dick: Or whatever it is!  We don’t know what it is.  (Maddox laughs)

Sean:  What makes HIM a road rage is bumper stickers on OTHER people’s cars.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That’s true.  Have you ever done that?

Maddox: Uh-huh. What?

Dick:  Have you ever put a bumper sticker on someone else’s car?

Maddox: Oh, I have.  Yeah.  I used to…I had a sticker one time.  I found it somewhere. It said something like “You drive like a dick” or something like that.

Dick:  Oh, okay.

Maddox:  And if someone’s an egregious asshole, yeah, I’ll put a sticker on their car.  Sure!

Dick:  Hmm.  Alright.

Maddox:  Of course! I used to have this little stack of notes…uh, in my car.  Like a printout of a hand choking a dick.  And a little squirt coming out the end.

Dick:  Oh, my God!

Maddox:  And it says, “You park like a dick.”  And I’d put that on people’s cars when they’d park like assholes.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: Like, if they block me in or something. I did it to this old lady one time. This…this fucking…

Dick:  (interjects) Did she have a heart attack?  Unnnngh!!!

Maddox: I can only hope, this bitch!  So I was down at the beach, and it was a  REALLY busy day, right?  It was a really busy day and I was waiting for a parking spot.  I turn on my signal, and clearly I’m pointing to the spot that I’m waiting for this person to back out, right? 

Dick:  Mhmm.

Maddox: Person backs out. This old lady pulls in!  And I started honking my horn.  I’m like, “What the fuck are you doing?!”  Right?  And she goes, “Oh, you can’t turn here.”  I said, “I didn’t.”  I turned around in this little interchange where you COULD turn, and I went to get the spot, and she took it.  And you know, she wouldn’t move. So I got out and I left her this real nasty note. I took one of my “You park like a dick” little stickers.  Put it on her car.  And then I also wrote a note.  I said, “You are a bad person.  Go to Hell.”  It made me feel better. 

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  And I wanted to stay…

Dick:  (interjects)  Take that!

Maddox: I wanted to wait around…’cause you know what?  To old people, that really means something.

Dick:  Does it?  (giggles)

Maddox:  Oh, yeah.

Dick:  I dunno.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.  It absolutely does.  What?

Dick:  You think it means something to old people?

Sean:  Nothing.  I was just over here, kinda nodding my head.  Well they’re, you know. They’re pretty close to dying.

Dick:  Yeah, what do they care?  Fuck you, right?

Sean:  Well…

Maddox:  (interjects) No, but that’s…

Sean: (interjects)  It could go either way.

Maddox:  That’s the thing! If you’re close to dying, then you know, this woman looked like she’s in her 70s, something like that.  If you’re close to dying right?  The last thing you want is someone thinking that you deserve to go to hell.

Dick: Oh, man, I…I can’t imagine how little I’m gonna care about what people think of me at 80.

Sean: I can.

Dick:  Like, I…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.  (giggles)  Like, it’s already so low.  Here’s a picture I got.  My buddy Gignon.  The guy whose underpants I borrowed a couple of episodes ago.  Uh, he sent me this picture of some bumper stickers.  It is…”My child made the honor roll at a middle school”.  On the bumper. Right above that, what’s the other bumper sticker?  It’s the shocker.

Maddox: It’s the shocker.  Yeah.

Dick:  The shocker.  Two in the…vagina, one in the anus.

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick:  I think that’s how the saying goes.

Maddox: (giggles) That’s how it goes. 

Dick:  Honor Roll!

Maddox: Alright, Dick.

Dick:  Go ahead.

Maddox: Um, interesting problem.  I don’t…I’m rarely entirely on the fence on a problem, but this one I’m like, 50/50.  I’ve seen some funny bumper stickers and I’ve seen ones that annoy me.

Dick: Well…

Maddox:  I dunno where I stand on this one.  I think it’s…it could be a problem.  I dunno, depends on how annoying you think they are.

Dick:  Depends on how many you sell.

Maddox: What, bumper stickers?

Dick: Yeah.  Big Bumper, over here.

Maddox:  (scoffs)  Big Bumper. Get outta here.  Alright, Dick.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox:  I got a real big problem this week!

(Sound effect: Cymbal)

Maddox:  Bottled Water! Yeah!

Dick:  Oh, yeah.

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox:  Bottled water.  It’s a stupid idea for lazy idiots!  I first realized what a scam it was a long time ago by going to a theatre in Utah, and I wanted to order a coffee.  The coffee costs $1.50 for a cup.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then I …you know, I changed my mind, and I said, “You know what? I want a bottle of water.”  The bottled water…

Dick: (interjects)  (scoffs) Five bucks.

Maddox: No, two bucks.

Dick: Ohoho.

Maddox:  Two dollars.  Which isn’t a huge difference in cost, I guess percentage-wise it’s pretty significant, but…$1.50 and $2.00 for just a bottle of water.  I mean, think about that!  They’re saying…what they’re saying is that a product that requires people to harvest beans in Columbia, right?  That requires water to raise those beans, and then they need to roast those beans, ship them overseas, package them, grind them, heat them up with water and electricity, so you’re using more water.

Dick:  That needs steam.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  And then they use a foam cup. And all that…that entire process, which takes months to produce those beans to go into your coffee.  That costs less than a bottle of water.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  That’s the first time I realized what a scam bottled water was.  It’s insane!!!  If you think about it. So bottled water, Dick.  According to Business Insider.  “Coca Cola has been in the business of discouraging restaurants from serving tap water and pushing less water and more beverage choices.”  And according to Pepsi, “The biggest enemy is tap water”, said a Pepsi VP in 2000.

Dick:  That’s dangerous.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  I don’t want a corporation thinking tap water is dangerous.

Maddox: Yeah.  Their biggest competition is free tap water.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  They said…this is a direct quote.  “When we’re done, tap water will be relegated to irrigation and washing dishes.”

Dick:  For the toilet!

Maddox:  Yeah.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  Says Susan D. Wellington from Pepsi.  In the year 2000.

Dick: When we’re done?! (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  When we’re done with what?!  Everything?!

Maddox:  Yeah!

Dick:  Basically doing everything to stop tap water?!

Maddox: That’s what they want to do.

Dick: Oh, my GOD. 

Maddox:  48% of all bottled water comes from tap water.  It’s the exact same fucking water.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  48% of it.

Sean:  Yeah, they just shove it through an RO filter.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean:  Like, reverse osmosis? 

Maddox: Oh, they don’t even do that, Sean. 

Sean:  Oh, really?

Maddox:  I’ll get into that, yeah. 

Dick:  Well, they don’t dump it right out of the hose.  Really?

Maddox:  Yeah, many of them do.  They don’t do anything extra to the water.  They’re just using city water, just municipal water, and they’re just bottling it and selling it at a huge markup.

Dick:  Like, right out of the tap?

Maddox:  Right out of the tap! It’s the same fucking water.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox:  They’re not doing anything special to that shit.

Sean:  Don’t any watchdog groups, like, test that and compare the amount of minerals from, like, tap water into…well, of course it could be bottled in another place, right?  So forget that.

Maddox:  Well, it says…(stammers) it depends.  Tap water, which is EPA regulated, undergoes testing for E. Coli and is required to provide its source and produce quality reports.  But bottled water, on the other hand…

Dick:  Produce quality, probably.  (referring to vegetable produce)

Maddox:  No, produce quality reports.  (refers to the verb)

Dick:  Produce quality?  What’s that?

Maddox:  They need to PRODUCE quality reports.

Dick:  Oh!  They’re…produce quality reports.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.  Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox:  “Bottled water, on the other hand, doesn’t have to meet any of those standards to be distributed.  Additionally, the Food and Drug Administration regulates bottled water and its standards pale in comparison to the EPAs for tap.  A few examples of this include less frequent bacteria testing, no mandatory reports of violations to federal officials, and no filtration or disinfection requirements on the federal level, while many states have no meaningful programs of their own.”

Dick: So you could be drinking anything?

Maddox: You could be drinking anything, yeah.

Dick:  Whoa.

Maddox:  There’s no regulation for this shit.  “In scientific testing, bottled water was found to be no safer than tap water; in fact, in most recent tests by the NRDC…” they tested 103 bottles of water off the shelves, right?

Dick:  Mhmm.

Maddox: “Nearly 1 in 5 tested waters contained, in at least one sample, more bacteria than allowed under microbiological purity guidelines.”

Dick: For what?  Guidelines for what?  Regular tap water?

Maddox: For…

Dick: (interjects) Or just in general?

Maddox:  Yeah, for tap water.

Dick: Oh, my God!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That’s disgusting!

Maddox:  “4% violated the generally weak federal bottled water standards, two for excessive fluoride and two for excessive coliform bacteria.” 

Dick:  Mmm.  What labels?  What brands were these that did this?

Maddox: Uh, it says…

Dick:  (interjects) So I can not drink them.

Maddox:  It says in the study.  I’ll link to it on the website.  It’s an NRDC study.

Dick:  Dammit, I’m never gonna read that.  (Maddox giggles)  I’ll just keep drinking poison!

Maddox: “In eight cases, arsenic was found in at least one test at a level of potential health concern.”  Eight of these bottles, that’s almost 8% of the water they tested had arsenic at dangerous levels.

Dick: That’s why you can’t be drinking water.  You gotta drink beer, whiskey, something like that so you know the pathogens have been killed by the fermenting.  There’s a lot of guidelines for beer and liquor.  Nothing, apparently, for water!  Fish have sex in it! That’s what you know when you’re drinking.  It’s full of arsenic.  It’s full of E. coli.  It’s full of poop, basically.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  You ever drank a beer that’s full of poop?  Of course not.  Because there’s guidelines and requirements.

Maddox:  Beer…people drink more bottled water than beer and milk combined, in the United States.

Dick:  Wow!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  So, okay.  Does…does the Arrowhead 5-gallon thing count in all this? Do we know that?

Maddox: Yeah, they’re looking at all these bottled water sources.

Dick:  Well, ‘cause I drink that.

Maddox:  Why?

Dick:  Um…I don’t trust the water that comes out of the tap.

Maddox: See, there’s the problem. Because here’s the thing…

Dick:  (interjects)  Well, ‘cause after the earthquake, the water was fucked.  Like, everybody in LA after the earthquake, when the water came out brown…

Maddox:  Right.

Dick: Everybody switched to Arrowhead.  And since then, I don’t think anyone’s switched back.  Like, I certainly haven’t.

Maddox:  Well, the problem is that bottled water, again, is not regulated, so you’re getting a source, first of all, that is tap water, essentially, and whether or not it’s clear doesn’t make any difference.

Dick:  Yeah, it’s gross, though.

Sean:  Well, it’s up to the various manufacturers to determine what kind of quality standards they have, right?

Maddox: Right.

Sean:  I mean, so it runs the gamut.  I know I don’t necessarily trust those ones in 7/11 that are, like, 7/11 brand water?

Dick:  (giggles) Yeah.

Sean:  You know.  Who knows? That probably really is the…

Maddox:  (interjects)  It’s all coming from the same source, more or less.

Sean: Yeah?

Maddox:  I mean, Fiji water is an exception, ‘cause that comes from Fiji, I guess.  But in taste…

Dick:  (interjects) Oh, does it?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  ‘Cause that’s the one my sister likes. I’m always like, “Why the hell are you always picking Fiji, is it ‘cause the bottle’s square?”

Maddox: Yeah.  No, I…

Sean:  (interjects)  Packaging is important!  I mean, to the eye.

Maddox: Sure.

Sean:  Some of the bottles of booze are beautiful.

Dick:  It’s true.

Maddox: Um, it tastes good, but in taste tests, tap water consistently ranks at or above the level of bottled water.  So people in just blind taste tests choose tap water more than bottled water, because that’s a commonly cited thing that people say, “Well I drink bottled water, ‘cause I like the taste.  It tastes fresher.  It tastes clear.”  It’s not.  It’s a cognitive bias that you have.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: You think you’re getting a better product, because you’re paying for it, as opposed to tap water, which is readily available and subsidized by the city and our tax money.

Dick:  Yeah, man.  I don’t…so okay. This is…this is all I know. When I have my 5 gallon Arrowhead, right?  And…I put it on…they come every month, I put it on the thing, I got nice, cold water in a spigot.  I got nice, hot water in a spigot.  Right?  Very easy.  If I run out early and I have to refill that thing with some tap water, it has…and, like, you know, take the bottle off and just put a pitcher in of tap water in it to tide me over, it has a gross smell and a gross taste to it. 

Maddox:  Do you…

Dick:  (interjects)  I don’t think I’m imagining that. 

Maddox: You might be, Dick.  You might be projecting. ‘Cause this is, again, the guy who thinks that paying more for steak gets you better steak.

Dick:  But that’s…

Maddox:  (interjects)  Paying more for wine gets you better wine…

Dick:  See, you’re killing your argument with that, because more expensive steak, in general, in the long run, is gonna be be…like, a $30 steak in the long run, a $50 steak is gonna be better than a $15.99 steak!

Maddox: There’s no guarantee about that. 

Dick: That’s…again, I’ve just said, in the long run…

Maddox: Mmm.

Dick:  If you’re picking up a steak at Ruths Chris, it’s gonna be WAY better than a steak you picked up at Outback!

Maddox:  I…I realize…you think that, but that’s not necessarily true.

Dick: I’m just telling you that you’re killing your argument with that.

Maddox: No, I’m not!

Dick:  Because a lot of people agree with that.

Maddox:  Study after study after study, they keep coming out.  Remember the wine debate we had on the show a long…way back in the day?  And…you know.  I said that wine testers couldn’t even tell the difference between white and red wine.  They couldn’t tell the difference between house wine, table wine versus a really high-end bottle.  They couldn’t even tell the difference between…they drank the same exact sample of red wine and they couldn’t tell the difference between the two.  They were told that one was a high-end label, and one was a…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  …low-end label.  They chose the high-end label better tasting then the exact same wine they drank seconds ago.

Dick:  Yeah.  Was this, like, real taste testers?

Maddox:  Yes.

Dick:  Or just people who said they’re really into wine?

Maddox: No, these are, like, the professional taste testers.  In fact, on a study, they got the world’s best taste testers, and during a study at some of these wine festivals and wine fairs, they found that the world-famous taste testers, who are reputed in the industry and their opinions count, right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox:  This is how they price wine, is based on their opinions.  Their ability to determine a high-quality wine, allegedly, a high-quality wine, was 50%.  It’s essentially a coin toss.

Dick:  See, here’s…I think you’re conflating a lot of things with your “What’s better” and “What’s not better” and money, and this or that.  Certainly, different water from different sources is gonna have a taste to it. It’s got different mineral components.

Sean:  Exactly.

Dick:  I mean, that’s what…

Sean:  (interjects)  Doesn’t mean it’s harmful!

Dick:  That’s the main ingredient of beer, is the water.  You’re not gonna pick two different water supplies and have the exact same tasting beer.  ‘Cause you start off with a WIDELY different spectrum of minerals.  So even if I’m saying it’s gross TO ME, it’s still gross to me.  I’ll drink tap water, but I don’t like it when it comes out cold, it’s got a goofy smell to it.  Maybe I’m used to the smell of the Arrowhead.  I don’t fucking know!  But that’s why I don’t drink it.  And then…every time somebody proposes a better solution, like, “use a Brita pitcher”, or use some goofy knob on your thing, or use some kind of filtration device, it always makes it more complicated and slow.  I’m sitting there for 5 minutes filling up a glass of w…like, ahhh, I don’t have time to replace this filter.  I don’t know!  It just works!!!  Deliver me the bottled water and I’ll drink it!!

Maddox:  But Dick, you’re ignoring what I said.  In taste tests, tap water consistently ranks at or above the level of bottled water.  These are in blind taste tests.

Dick:  Again, you’re trying to say that it’s better than the other, I’m just saying it’s different, which the study shows.

Maddox: No, it’s not.  You…

Dick: (interjects) So they’re the same?!

Maddox: I just mentioned this, Dick.  I literally just said that the water source for bottled water is exactly the same as tap water.  In most instances.

Dick:  And then it’s just put in a different bottle? 

Maddox:  That’s all it is.  That’s all it is.

Dick:  Well…

Maddox:  And sometimes the bottled water may taste a little bit different, because also, the bottled water gets shipped across country sometimes, or it gets shipped and it sits in the back of a hot truck, and then that plastic bleeds some of it into the bottled water.

Dick: Oh, yeah.  That’s good.  Gimme that plastic taste. 

Maddox:  No.  (scoffs)

Sean:  Do you think all manufacturers use tap water, despite what they’re saying?

Maddox: Not all of them.  No, not all of them, Sean.

Sean:  Okay.  Alright.  Just wanted to check.

Maddox: But, yeah.  The tests that they put bottled water through is much less stringent than tap water.  Tap water is much more highly regulated.  And as we saw here, you have bottled waters with samples of arsenic above a healthy level. 

Dick:  Yeah. Where the fuck are those? 

Maddox: Yeah.  I don’t know, man.

Dick: Sounds like a big problem!

Maddox: Well, it is!  It is a big problem.  And I hate to argue this environmental argument, but…of the 30 billion plastic water bottles sold in the United States in 2005, only 12% were recycled.  There are over 25 billion bottles in our landfills right now.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  25 billion of ‘em.  And the recycled bottle plastic can only be used for non-food products.  So, you know, people say, “Well I recycle, I recycle, I recycle.”  But when it comes to plastic bottles, there’s not much you can do when you do recycle it.

Dick: Did you know there’s a big piss jug epidemic?  Speaking of bottled things that are hurting the environment.

Maddox:  A piss jug?

Dick:  Yeah.  People pissing in…truckers pissing in bottles.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  These same bottles, and recycling…toss ‘em out the window.

Maddox: Toss ‘em out the window like hand grenades of piss.

Dick: Well, the bottles are horrible too, because the eco-friendly bottles…I brought this in in one of our lost episodes, I don’t remember which one it was.  When they made the bottles super thin…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  To try to cut down on plastics.  Now when you open ‘em, they shoot all over your hands!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like an excited teenager!

Maddox:  Right.  (giggles)

Dick:  It sucks. (Sean giggles)  On prom night.

Maddox:  Yeah.  I wouldn’t know. I’m not holding a lot of excited teenagers in my hands.

Dick:  Why don’t you call that 17-year-old up?  What was her name?

Maddox:  Amy. (he has no idea) Um…yeah, Dick.  So the bottled water, again, it’s the same exact source as tap water.  There’s much less regulation for it, it doesn’t taste better….when you pay for something, you have a certain amount of expectation of quality for it.  And they’ve done these studies, again, and again, and again, and they found that when people pay more for a product, actually, they do enjoy it more.

Dick:  Sure.

Maddox: Uh, so there is that, but it’s entirely…you’re just fooling yourself.  You’re deluding yourself into thinking that you’re buying a much higher quality product than you actually are.  They did this test…um, a while back, at a grocery store, where they got the exact same coffee, same exact brand of coffee, ground it up, put one in a bag that said it was ecologically sound, it came from fair trade, it was organic.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: It was natural.  You know, massaged from the teats of Mother Earth.

Dick:  Gross.  (scoffs)

Maddox:  And the other one they said was the store brand.  And so people who tasted it, after reading this narrative about the fair trade, organic, you know, holistic, whatever fucking bullshit adjectives they used.

Dick:  Uh-huh.

Maddox:  They consistently said that that tasted better than the store-bought brand, when they were told that story.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox:  But during a regular taste test…then they actually did a comparison between, like, the organic brand and the store-bought brand, and they found that the store-bought brand, when they were not told which one was which, they preferred the store-bought brand. 

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: The one that was suited for mass consumption.

Dick:  Sure.  Um…I’m gonna expand that narrative.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  ‘Cause I think it applies to everything.  I think…lemme ask you this.  If there was, like, a video game that was made by indie developers, would you enjoy…do you think you might enjoy it more than one that was made by, like, a big…a behemoth, like Sony?  Like, if you had the same game.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  And you were given some narrative about how this game came to be, you can easily say no, but I’m asking, ‘cause you’ve played a lot of video games!  If you give a little more credit.  The same thing goes for, like, video content that comes in the same way.  Like, any kind of consumable media.  Do you think that you also apply that?  Maybe that you have a blind spot for this kind of whatever you called it?  When it comes to consumable media?

Maddox: No.  No, Dick.

Dick:  (interjects)  Immediately no.

Maddox:  I get what you’re saying.  No, of course not.  Of course not.  Okay?!

Dick:  OF COURSE NOT!

Maddox:  ‘Cause it depends on the game.  It depends on the game.  And, you know, I get what you’re trying to say. I get the argument, but that’s not a good example. ‘Cause when it comes to independent video games..

Dick:  I mean, it’s a good example.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It’s just cause you don’t see it…doesn’t…

Maddox: (interjects) I’ll tell you why it’s not a good example.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  When it comes to video games, when I’m playing a game that’s made by an indie developer, if it looks comparable to a big studio release, I’m going to be impressed more, but I’m not going to necessarily think it’s a better game.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox:  I play big studio games all the time that are great, and I play indie games all the time that are great, and if one is made with more of a shoestring budget, it’s a little bit more impressive, but that doesn’t really affect the end result.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean:  No, but we’re talking the same game, right?

Dick:  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Like what if they slapped that stupid story onto every game?  I think it would help ‘em.  Yeah.  Anyway.

Maddox: So, yeah.  Bottled water.  Bottled water is a big problem.  Uh…you can’t tell the difference in taste. It’s not safer for you. It’s not better for you.  It’s a big waste of money, which you should save!

Dick: Well, yeah.  Speaking of narratives to sell things.  (Maddox giggles)  Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s!  Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.  Guys, is there any better razor than a Harry’s razor?!

Maddox: No!

Dick:  That’s what I’m really asking.  I’m…I love ‘em!  I enjoy shaving now.  When I used the competitor…I remember shaving with one of the competing blades, and it was a chore.  Shaving was a chore.  Now I actually enjoy it!  Man, I get in there.  I get those hairs out, like clackclackclackclackclack, they’re like little enemy armies that I chopped down with nothing.  With my big scythe, like Paul Bunyan.  Mowing through the forest.

Maddox:  I imagine they’re like crickets on my face.  I’m just shaving ‘em right the fuck off!!

Dick:  German-engineered blades.  Five-blade cartridges.  A close, comfortable shave with no cuts or burns.  Quality guaranteed.  It’s a full refund if you’re not happy, and it’s already not very much money, ‘cause you can save $5 off your first purchase.  Why pay $32 for an eight-pack of blades when you can get ‘em for half the price!?  For $15, you can get a razor, moisturizing shave cream, and three razor blades.

Maddox: That’s a really good deal, man!

Dick: Yeah.  Fan Koi said he was gonna email us about Harry’s.  “I finally bought a starter kit.  Best shave ever.” He says.

Maddox:  Yeah.

Dick: “I wound up buying the men in my family and my two next door neighbors engraved Winston sets.”  How about that?  What a fancy pants. Thanks, Koi.

Maddox:  That’s cool.  Thank you, Koi!  Thanks for supporting us!  And thanks for tweeting these at us and at Harry’s!  We really appreciate that.  I…I get a lot of tweets from fans and listeners who get their Harry’s kit and they open it up, and it’s a real…presentation.  It’s not just, like, you know…

Dick:  Real production.

Maddox: They’re not just sending you…yeah, they’re not just sending you a little plastic nylon baggie of just, like, loose parts in there.

Dick:  No.

Maddox: It’s a kit.  It looks really nice.

Dick:  I like it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  I like it.  I don’t like scrimping on the packaging.

Maddox: No.  It’s classy.

Dick:  Double it up.

Maddox:  Yeah.

Dick:  Two boxes?  Not enough.  I want a box inside of a box. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Maybe with a riddle on where to find the actual package.

Maddox:  Mhmm.

Dick: Where there’s a multitude of additional boxes.  What?

Sean:  No, I’ve said this before, and, like, I’ve never been an aftershave guy, but their stuff is really good.  I enjoy it so much better after you shave, and it smells good.  Soothes the skin. 

Maddox:  Soothes the skin, soothes the soul!  And it’s easy on your wallet.  Thank you, Harry’s, and thank you to our listeners for supporting us. 

Dick:  Okay, here’s my next problem.  Sleep Deprivation.

Maddox:  Sleep Deprivation, okay.  I’m on board with this.  Why?

Dick:  Why?

Maddox: Yeah, why is it a problem?

Dick:  Well, because you always have to hear about it from people, and it’s very annoying.

Maddox: Oh, okay.  (disappointed)  (Dick laughs) Of course it’s the annoying angle!! You’re…(stammers) BOTH of your problems today, minor annoyances!

Dick:  ‘Cause that’s what it takes to get on the top 10 list here!!!

Maddox:  No.

Dick:  Slacktivists, annoying. Outrage porn, annoying.  It’s all annoyances. 

Maddox: Anti-vaxxers is number one for a good reason.

Dick:  But it’s ANNOYING!

Maddox:  Female genital…no, anti-vaxxers kill people!!!

Dick: Hunger kills people in a horrible way!  Anti-vaxxers is just something that everyone can shit on!

Maddox: Okay, hunger isn’t killing millions of people, and hunger doesn’t have the…

Dick: (interjects)  Yes it is!!!!

Maddox:  No.  And hunger doesn’t have the potential to wipe out all of humanity like anti-vaxxers do.  And female genital mutilation…

Dick: (interjects) You should see Interstellar, then.  ‘Cause that’s what that movie’s all about.

Maddox:  (laughs)  (stammers)  Uh, hunger is a problem that can be addressed with a sandwich. (Sean laughs)  Female genital mutilation is a problem that you live with for the rest of your life.  Those are problems that are in the top 10.

Dick:  Okay.

Sean:  Maddox just solved world hunger.

Dick:  Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  We just need a sandwich! (grins) (Sean chuckles)

Maddox: Just give ‘em a sandwich.

Dick:  We just need to equip these drones with sandwiches and send them all around. (grins)

Maddox: Yes. Sandwich drones.

Dick:  Kickstart that!

Sean:  Instead of iPads or whatever shit we’re sending.

Dick:  $100 laptops.

Sean:  Right, right.

Dick: That’s what they get.  Laptops with go-go-gadget cranks on them.

Maddox:  Well, you know what they’re equipping on the drones now? They’re equipping machine guns that spray pepper spray.  The pepper spray pellets at people.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox:  Like, some absurd amount, like 1600 rounds per minute.  Anyway, vote up Drones.  What’s your problem, Dick?

Dick:  Oh, yeah.  You don’t like drones.  I forgot about that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Um, sleep deprivation.

Maddox:  Sleep deprivation.

Dick:  It affects 35% of Ameri…35% of Americans are not getting enough sleep.  10% report, like, 35 days in a row of not getting enough sleep.  I brought in some stats.  I’ll go through these quickly.  It’s…it’s deadly, sleep deprivation.

Maddox: Yeah.  I believe it.

Dick:  Um, here it was a factor in the following disasters:  the nuclear accident at Three Mile Island.

Maddox:  Wow.

Dick: The Exxon Valdez.  And the meltdown at Chernobyl.

Maddox:  Hmm.

Dick:  Those are pretty big fuckups.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  How are you gonna have an Oculus Rift society where everyone’s plugged into the Matrix, but you got some guy who’s running on three hours of sleep running the fusion reactor at the…’cause that’s the future!  You just consolidate human jobs into one guy, right?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  That’s industrialization.  You got 100 guys in the factory, no, let’s make it 5.  Ah, let’s make it 1.  Now we got 100 factories.  Let’s let one guy run 100 factories.  That motherfucker better be getting his sleep in!

Maddox: Um, yeah.  No, I agree with that.  And it’s also the reason Tracy Morgan got in his big accident.  Tracy Morgan is the actor from 30 Rock.  And he got hit by a car on the freeway because there was a Wal-Mart truck driver who was driving drowsy and, you know, was too tired to be driving, and he hit his motorcade, and Tracy Morgan was nearly paralyzed.  He’s still having trouble recovering from that.

Sean:  Yeah, well, big brain damage, too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Wow.  1500 crash-related deaths a year.  Is because of sleep deprivation.

Maddox:  Crash related? 

Dick:  100,00 crashes.  1500 crash-related deaths.

Maddox:  Crash-related deaths.

Dick:  So that’s like a fifth of…drunk driving deaths every year, 10,000?

Maddox:  Yeah.

Dick:  Sleep driving deaths are 1,500. 

Maddox: Yeah, I believe it, man.  I…

Dick: (interjects)  I brought a stat on falling asleep while driving, if you’re interested in that.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.  Please do.  This is really scary.  It’s something I used to have a problem with, and I don’t fuck around with that anymore.

Dick:  Falling asleep while driving?

Maddox: Oh, yeah.  ‘Cause I get drowsy when I drive, and now…to the point where I don’t care who’s with me or what I’m doing, if I feel like I’m nodding off, I  will pull over and sleep on the side of the road.  I’ll do whatever it takes to get off that road safely, ‘cause I’m not going to fuck around with that.  That’s really scary shit.

Dick: Yeah.  You gotta be careful, though.  Your car could get mugged.  Or your car could get robbed while you’re sleeping on the side of the road.  That’s what they say.

Maddox: Yeah, I lock the doors and I also have a Jason mask in my car, so I put that…

Dick:  (interjects) Ah, I knew it.

Maddox: I put that on next to me.

Dick:  It’s so satisfying to get your weird life hacks out.

Maddox: Yeah.  Yeah.  (grins) 

Dick:  Here’s the…you don’t have a fake car that you park in front of you?  (Maddox laughs)  Like a cardboard car that you park in front of yours? Here’s the stats.  Um, it’s basically…you can see ‘em, but it floats around 5% of people who report falling asleep while driving.  In the past one month…

Maddox:  Wow.

Dick:  5% of people. Uh, old people surprisingly came in at 2%, but everybody else is way up there.  25-35, 7%. 

Maddox:  For falling asleep while driving?  Old people only 2%?

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: Well, I understand that, because they drive less.  Uh, if they controlled…

Dick:  Oh, that’s probably true. 

Maddox:  Yeah.  If they controlled for the amount of hours that people drive on the road, I would imagine truck drivers are amongst the top, because they’re overworked a lot of times.  A lot of them may be listening to this show right now.  When you’re on the road, you listen to a lot of podcasts. 

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: So thanks for listening, truck drivers!  Give us a honk, huh?

Dick: Yeah.  Uh, it makes you dumb.  Sleep plays a critical role in thinking and learning, obviously.  Bla, bla, bla.  So if you don’t get enough sleep, you’re not gonna be able to remember what you did the…it impairs alertness, concentration, reasoning, and problem-solving.  And that’s your biggest solution, is critical thinking!!

Maddox: Yes.

Dick:  Right?

Maddox:  Yeah.

Dick:  So this is, like, the anti-critical thinking.

Maddox:  Mmm.  (skeptical)  (laughs)

Dick:  Sleep deprivation.

Maddox:  I don’t think it’s…(grinning)

Dick:  (interjects)  You can’t think CRITICALLY when you haven’t had any sleep!

Maddox: It does cloud my mind a little bit.  Dick, why didn’t you bring this fucking problem in on a Casper day?!  (chuckles) 

Dick:  That’s shilling.  I’m not gonna do…

Maddox:  (interjects)  Okay. 

Dick:  I don’t shill.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick:  Look.

Maddox:  Oh, no, never Dick.

Dick:  I read the ad!  I’m not gonna do a whole episode based on your product!  Get the hell outta here!  Not at these rates!!

Maddox:  Hey, so can I tell you…(Sean laughs)  Can I tell you…(giggles)

Dick:  Add a zero.  You guys want a whole episode?  I’ll do it.

Maddox: Yeah.  We’ll do an entire sponsored episode.

Dick: But it’s gonna cost ya.

Maddox:  Mhmm.

Dick: It’s gonna cost ya.

Maddox:  Mhmm.

Dick:  Razor burn! That’ll be my problem.

Maddox:  Yeah. (laughs) 

Dick:  Too Expensive Of Razors!!

Maddox: Yeah.  Shaving Cream That Just Doesn’t Wash Off!  We’ll make that an entire episode.  But here’s the thing.  So a long time ago, when I would drive in between my old job and home, it was like a 20, 30-minute commute.

Dick:  What job was that?  (Sean laughs)

Maddox:  That was at the…you know what job it was, dickhead!

(Clip starts, phone dials) (Dick cackles)

Maddox:  “Telemarketing.” “Telemarketing.” “Telemarketing.” “Really shitty.”  “Telemarketing company?  I worked for one for nine and a half years!!” (music in between)

(Clip ends)

(Dick laughs)

Maddox:  You know what, dickhead?!

Dick: Somebody sent that in!! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah.  Real fucking funny, asshole!!  (Dick dies of laughter) What job do you work at!?  Let’s talk about your job!

Dick: I’m a gigolo.

Maddox: Yeah.  Okay. 

Dick: Only for hot chicks, though.  Not for men, like most gigolos.

Maddox:  Well, I’ve only had two jobs in my life.  Uh, I’ve only had two jobs in my life.  So it’s one of the two of them, dickhead!!!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox:  So…

Sean:  (interjects)  Telemarketer and professional asshole. (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Dick:  Yeah, that’s a good…that’s true.  (Maddox laughs)

Maddox:  That’s my third job!! And it’s my career.  That’s my career, buddy!  Anyway, so.  Iwas driving back and forth from work, and it would be, a lot of times, really late at night or early in the morning, like 3, 4 in the morning, ‘cause I’d worked really late, and I would sometimes fall asleep.  I’d be really drowsy, and I’d start to nod off at the wheel.  It’s super scary, because it…

Dick:  (interjects)  Can you believe that you don’t immediately wreck?  Like, every time I’ve fallen asleep at the wheel, I’m like, “How the fuck did I dr…”  Like, I have no idea when I fell asleep.  How did I not crash!?  But everybody’s doing it!  5% of people are doing it every month!!!

Sean:  I have a cousin who woke up to his car skidding on its roof.  (Maddox makes amazed snort)

Maddox:  That’s…that’s too late to wake up.

Dick: Just go back to sleep. (grins)

Maddox:  Go back to sleep. (Dick cackles)   You know what, you already fucked up.  I mean, you might as well take a nap.

Dick:  Yeah.  Yeah.

Maddox:  Wait until the paramedics arrive.  So…um, I was driving home one night, and in Utah it’s especially dangerous to fall asleep while driving, because there are deers on the road.

Dick:  Mmm.

Maddox:  There’s deers on the road.

Sean:  The Mormons will come give you anal!!

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) 

Maddox:  Sean, you ass farmer, you!  You know Utah.  But yeah, there are deers on the road, and I fell asleep one time; I started to nod off and I saw a deer.  So I thought, “Man, that could have ended my life if I hit that deer.”  It’s really…you don’t want to hit a deer on the road.  Like, people think, “Oh, you hit an animal it’s roadkill, no big deal.”  You hit a cat, or a raccoon, or a little animal.

Dick:  Mhmm.

Maddox: It’s not a big deal. You hit a deer, and it’s like running into a tree!

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: Those…like, it’s a…you know.  It’s like a 200-pound animal that you’re hitting.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox: That can come through your windshield at you.  So hitting a deer is no small thing.

Dick:  Even it’s a doe.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick:  A deer. 

Maddox: Yeah, I…

Dick:  (interjects) A female deer.

Maddox:  A female deer.  I know, Dick.  The song.  Fuck. (irritated)  Um, anyway, so…(giggles) so I tried to solve this problem.  And I tried everything behind the wheels.  I tried rolling down my window.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox:  Because in Utah, it’s really cold in the winter.  Doesn’t help.

Dick:  Doesn’t work.

Maddox:  I tried turning on my air conditioner, it doesn’t work.  I tried turning up the radio, doesn’t work.  And then I tried even eating crunchy food like Corn Nuts when I was driving.

Dick:  Yeah.

Maddox:  ‘Cause I thought, oh, the crunch would keep me awake.  That didn’t work.  So eventually, what did work, I thought about it.  I thought long and hard about the only time I’ve never been asleep, or fallen asleep. Is when my mouth is on fire.  And that’s why I decided to start carrying around a little bottle of Tabasco with me, and I would take a chug of it.

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox:  Every time I felt like I was nodding off, I would take a little chug of that Tabasco.  Now, two things work in your favor.  First…there’s vinegar in Tabasco, which perks you right the fuck up, ‘cause it’s very sour.  And the second one is the spice. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So you get home, your mouth is on fire.  Your throat is burning.  Your nose is running.  Your eyes are watery.  But you get home alive!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  And that was my solution…and that’s why I started carrying around hot sauce with me everywhere I went.  And that’s why I started drinking it and that’s why, even to this day, when fans come to book signings and things, they call me out on it.  They’re like, “Hey Maddox, you don’t really drink Tabasco.  I brought some Tabasco.”  And I just…before they even finish the fucking dumbass sentence, I pop it open and chug that fucker down!  That’s the only downside to drinking hot sauce, is…

Dick:  (interjects)  Everything.

Maddox: You will grow…no. 

Dick:  Yeah!

Maddox: You will grow a tolerance to it.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox:  And then you have to shave more, but…

Dick: Um…does that actually work?  That hot sauce thing?

Maddox:  Absolutely.

Dick:  Like, I don’t want to be giving advice to people that’s gonna make them wreck their cars while they’re sleeping.

Maddox: No, it absolutely does work, but only to a limit.  You will grow a tolerance to it and then you have to move on to spicier hot sauce.  Which is difficult to find in gas stations.  Most gas stations only carry two or three brands of hot sauce; Tabasco, Tapatillo, and Cholula.  And all of them are rated about the same Scoville Units, except for Cholula.  Cholula is, like, way lower. 

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox:  Tabasco is about 14,000 Scoville Units, but beyond that, you have to carry your own hot sauce, and if you leave it in your car for too long, it goes bad, so that’s the difficulty of hot sauce.

Dick:  Hmm.

Maddox: You have to find a good sauce…where could you find a good sauce?

Dick:  Harry’s? 

Sean:  You ever had Tabasco turn brown?

Maddox: Yeah, Tabasco…yeah.

Sean:  It’ll turn a little brown when it’s bad.

Maddox: Yeah, it gets a little funky.

Dick:  Probably speed is easier than all this Tabasco thing, I think.  Health problems, sleep disorders can put you at risk for heart disease, heart attack, heart failure…that’s what everything causes.  All this heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke, diabetes.  Like, what doesn’t cause that anymore?

Maddox:  Well, it’s a factor, but also, sleep deprivation can…there’s a lot of studies coming out these days that are saying that people who sleep less have…it fucks with your metabolism and it could help you gain weight, actually.

Dick:  Wait, I got that one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Gain weight.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Uh, 30% more likely to become obese.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  Than…people who slept less than 6 hours a day, 30% more likely to become…probably ‘cause they’re spending all that sleeping time eating.  (Sean laughs)  Right?!

Maddox: Uh, it could be.

Dick:  Probably is.

Maddox:  Actually, there’s something to that, Dick.  I remember when I would only go on three-four hours a night in college, I did wake up and immediately would start eating again, because that’s my breakfast phase, right?

Dick:  Mhmm.

Maddox:  But it’s…you just end up eating more, because you’re awake for more hours.

Dick: This says it’s…not something with the brain, who cares.  Uh, death, it can cause.  Let’s see…um…people who cut their sleep from 7 to 5 hours or fewer per night doubled their risk of death from all causes.  Anything.  Anything that could kill you, you double your risk of by not sleeping enough.

Sean:  Well, and isn’t…

Dick:  (interjects)  So this can make you fat and dead, and old, and depressed, and lowers your sex drive.  I don’t wanna go through all these, but that’s what it does.  It’s horrible. 

Sean:  Doesn’t your body deal with the stress hormone cortisol when you’re asleep?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It does, yeah.

Sean:  Yeah.

Maddox: Also, in sleep, when you have…it’s really important for you to have REM sleep.  Rapid eye movement sleep, where you’re dreaming, because your body…your brain regenerates. Your brain rests.  But this is coming from a guy who doesn’t sleep very much.  As soon as I’m up, I’m up.  I kick the fuck out of bed.  I kick my covers off. And I’m ready to tackle the day, man.  I…I’m, you know what? I’m like a soldier.  I just need a nap, you put me down for, you know, 20-30 minutes at a time, BAM.  I’m right back up, good to go.  That’s how…

Dick:  (interjects) This thing also says that poor judgment…people who don’t get enough sleep can’t tell that the sleep deprivation is causing them to think poorly.  I’m not joking.  That’s literally on the study. 

Maddox:  No, I believe you.

Dick:  So if you ask people to judge their judgment when they’ve been sleep deprived, it just…anyway.

Maddox:  Dick, why would I assume you’re joking? (giggles)

Dick:  ‘Cause you had just said that you jump out of bed like a soldier.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  But you’re still massively sleep deprived and dangerous.

Maddox: Uh, no.  I found that my…uh…so there’s a study they did a while back where they…

Sean:  (chuckles) (interjects)  No, no, not me.

Maddox:  Not…no.  (Dick laughs)

Sean:  Doesn’t apply to me.

Maddox: No, I’ll tell you why.

Sean:  That applies to mortals.

Dick: Yeah. (laughs)

Maddox: I still sleep the right amount.  I sleep the amount that I need, but I don’t do it in one sitting.  In one big stretch.  ‘Cause they did that study awhile back where they took a bunch of people and they put them in a room with no windows, and no way to tell what time of day it was.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And they found that after a month…after, like, a couple of weeks, they all started to fall into the same sleep patterns, which is four hours at a time.  Little four-hour stretches.  They’d sleep for four hours, wake up, work for a bit, go to sleep again, taking naps all throughout the day, and they were much more productive for doing that.  I found that…you know, having worked for myself for that last…what, it’s been 12 years now, I’ve worked for myself.  And I find myself naturally falling into that kind of sleep pattern, where sometimes I’ll be up at, you know, 3-4 in the morning, go to sleep again for a couple of hours, wake up again, and then, you know, sleep throughout the day, take naps. Naps are super important. 

Dick:  Well…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This problem’s putting me to sleep. What’s yours? (Sean laughs)

Maddox:  Dick, I got a big problem for you this week.  Twitter!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick:  Hooooo, boy.

Maddox:  Yeah!

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Maddox:  Twitter. Big problem!

Dick:  Is it about millennials, would you say?  (grins)  Twitter?

Maddox:  No.  Twitter…look, Dick. (giggles)  Millennials use it, but…millennials use everything.

Dick: I’m joking. I’m joking.

Maddox: No, I see what you’re saying.  Okay. Twitter.  The problem with Twitter is that it’s basically IRC.  Okay.  So for…

Dick:  (interjects) IRC was great.

Maddox: Yeah.  I mentioned this a long time ago. Actually, a couple of episodes ago.  IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat, and way back in the early days of the Internet, before AOL Instant Messenger, before MSN Messenger, before Google Chat, and Skype, and FaceTime, and all this other bullshit, IRC was the way that people chatted online.  It was, like, pretty much the only way people chatted online.  It was all text-based, and you joined a server.  And on the server, you would chat with people.  People would create nicknames and join chat rooms called channels, which were named using hashtags.  So, for example, if you wanted to talk about sports, you’d join the chatroom #sports.  Or if you wanted to talk about video games, it was #videogames.  In fact, the very genesis of my website happened on IRC.  I was in a chatroom called #coders, where I spent a lot of time talking and collaborating with other programmers on demos and video games.  That’s when I started making these rants in there, and people in the chatroom loved my rants, so I created a list of things that pissed me off, which was spread around the channel and later encouraged me to start my website.  That was actually how my website began, is ‘cause I was just, you know. Ranting to these guys.

Dick:  Sure. 

Maddox:  So IRC, way back in the day, had a 510-character limit, back when it started.  Twitter, today, has a 140-character limit. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: IRC allowed you…

Dick:  (interjects) Isn’t that text-based? 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, isn’t that because of texting on your phone?

Maddox: Yeah, it was because of texting.  It’s an archaic model.  It’s an archaic restriction.  It’s arbitrary at this point.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  IRC allowed you to direct message people.  Twitter allows you to direct message people. Twitter is basically just IRC with a web interface. There’s not much innovation to the product, it just made it easier for people to post.  That’s all it is.  Twitter is just IRC on a web browser.

Dick: So it’s a something that was extremely useful, made better. 

Maddox:  It’s not better.

Dick:  But you’re saying it has a web interface and you can use it on your phone.  I can’t, like, text IRC.

Maddox: Easier is not necessarily better.  And on…

Dick:  Oh.

Maddox:  …IRC.  On IRC, it was much more organized, and you had a longer text limit.  You had 510 characters as opposed to Twitter’s 140, which makes it nearly impossible to have a real fucking conversation on Twitter! (annoyed)

Dick: Yeah, you gotta post on Facebook and then take a screenshot.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then post the screenshot of what you said.

Maddox: There’s all these goofy solutions people come up with. (Dick laughs) Like, they’ll start writing a sentence, and then they’ll get to the 140-character limit, which is not much, and then they’ll put in parentheses (1 out of 2), or (1 out of 10).

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  And then you have to read….there was this article that went viral recently, about a trial lawyer who had a rebuttal to something in the news.  Some, like…I don’t know. Some stupid horseshit went down, and some trial lawyer had a rebuttal.  Like, you know, everyone has an open letter, everyone has a rebuttal to everything.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox:  And the article that went viral was headlined this, and I’m not even joking.  It said. “Trial Lawyer has 43-Tweet Response.”  It was the perfect 43-tweet response to this… (Dick scoffs)  Like, guys are you out of your fucking minds?!

Dick: Yeah.  Guys, we have a very short attention span.  We can’t read 43 tweets, right?!

Maddox: Yeah, you know what 43 tweets is?  It’s a page, or a paragraph.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Trial lawyer has a paragraph rebuttal.  And why does the number of tweets matter?  Why are we talking about tweets in this day and age?  Why do tweets fucking matter?

Dick:  I do like the arbitrary character limit, though.

Maddox: Of couuuuuurse.  Of course you do.  Why? 

Dick:  Well, ‘cause it makes people get to the point.  And it makes Twitter what it is. 

Sean:  Short emails.

Dick:  Yeah.  Little, pithy…exactly! Short emails. 

Maddox: No.

Dick:  I don’t go on Facebook…like, when I go on Facebook…that little…when their post gets too long and it says the “more”?

Maddox:  Yeah, yeah.

Dick:  Click here for more?  I’ve probably clicked on that two or three times.  I don’t care.

Maddox: (interjects) Well, I…

Dick: (interjects) If you can’t get it out in the first sentence, I don’t want to hear it.

Maddox: I know, Dick. That’s totally stupid. Um…(Sean laughs)

Dick: But it’s just social bullshit.

Maddox:  No, it’s not!

Dick: Like, I don’t go there to get news. 

Maddox: Well, you could.  You could elevate the level of discourse.  Here’s…

Dick: (interjects) But then it’s a newspaper!

Maddox:  Look.  Look.  Yeah. That’s exactly what we want, Dick.  More news…

Dick:  (interjects)  But I go somewhere else to get that!

Maddox:  Less bullshit. Hold on. The problem with Twitter is…more often than not, if I have something important to say, and I can’t say it in the number…in the 140 characters?  Guess what?  Not gonna say it. I’m not gonna say it on Twitter.  I don’t give a shit.  What Twitter has become is a repository for a bunch of comedians to write shitty jokes.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox:  And they’re all 140-character-long jokes.  And 1 out of every 10 will be funny. Maybe 1 out of every 10.

Dick:  That’s pretty good odds.

Maddox: No, that’s not.  That’s 10%.  That’s shit!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: You hit 10% of the balls that are pitched towards you, guess what? You’re fired!  Get outta here!!  So Twitter’s 140-character limit is also hampered by the hashtag system!  Hashtags are essentially metadata. It’s how you categorize tweets.  If you’re talking about the Oscars, you put in #Oscars.  So other people who are talking about the Oscars can also find your tweet!

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: But that counts against your 140-character limit!  So if you type in a word, like, #Oscars, or #Oscars2016.  Guess what?  Suddenly you’re down to 120 characters. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What can you say in 120 characters, a sentence?!  What are you gonna say that’s informative or important in a sentence, other than some stupid, shitty joke?

Dick: Oscars. I’m not watching these, because I’m straight. (Sean giggles)

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Is that one of the 9 out of 10 not funny jokes?  (chuckles)

Maddox:  Yeah, that’s one of the 9 out of 10, Dick.  For sure.  Um, there’s a ton of spam on Twitter, which seems easy and obvious to filter these days, but they don’t do anything about it!  If you look at any trending news story, you’ll see the shitty, clickbait spam at the top of the feed.  In 2014, a research firm found that 44% of Twitter accounts have never sent a tweet.

Dick:  So they got a lot of spam.

Maddox: Yeah. These are just zombie accounts.  They’re drone accounts.  And Twitter’s in trouble right now.  Their audience is shrinking even more than that.  But that’s…according to PC Mag, 44%.  And according to the website _______, over 550 million accounts are reported to have sent their last tweet more than a year ago.  Only 126 million of Twitter’s userbase had sent any tweet of any kind in the past 30 days.

Dick: Yeah. People probably went on to Instagram, or maybe just Vine.  I don’t know.  They’ve also been cracking down on conservative tweets.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did you hear that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They’ve been censoring conservative accounts.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  They unverified Milo Yiannopoulos.  That dude.

Maddox: Yeah!  That’s the other thing. They’re dangling that verification as some kind of award or status symbol.

Dick: Yeah.  That’s a fuck up, I think.

Maddox:   When any new social network comes along, I treat it like every other social network.  I plug my ears and close my eyes and hope that it goes away.  (Dick laughs) I just hope that it goes the fuck away like MySpace did. I didn’t get on MySpace, thank God. It was stupid.  I had an account and I only used it to creep on girls.  So…(laughs)

Dick: Oh, so you did what everyone else did on MySpace.

Maddox: No, like…

Dick: (interjects) Welcome to the human race.

Maddox: Yeah, so anyway, when Twitter came along…I…someone created an account.  A fake one. For me.

Dick:  Mhmm.

Maddox: And got like 10,000 followers, or something like that.  And I looked at this guy’s Twitter feed, and saw that he was posting more or less the things that I would be posting. You know, links to my websites and articles, and things like that.  And I thought, “You know what?  He’s doing an okay job.  I’ll let him keep it up.” He kept it going for a while.  Then, eventually, the day came when Twitter wasn’t going away.  And…I think I talked to a publisher or something and they said, “You need to have your Twitter account going.”  I said, “Okay, fine.”  I created a Twitter account.  And I wanted to take over this guy’s Twitter feed, because he already had 10,000 followers on there. I said, “Yeah, I’ll just take over this guy’s thing.”  Contacted Twitter.  They said no. First of all, you have to verify. And the verification process is a pain in the ass.  You have to scan a driver’s license, like, two forms of ID.

Dick:  Sure.

Maddox: You have to fax it to them. You have to sign some affidavit or something, you get it notarized. You jump through all these fucking hoops.  After all of that, I verified my account, right?  So I should have gotten that little verification thing, because the whole POINT of it is to PROVE to people that you are who you say you are.  It’s not a status symbol, you fucking idiots!

Dick: Well, but celebrities have it.

Maddox: Yeah, because…

Dick: (interjects) Making it a status symbol.  Like, do they give it to you if you’ve got 10 followers?  Do you really want to prove that you’re…

Maddox:  (interjects)  There are people, Dick, who…

Dick:  (interjects) Bong Dong Dickhead?

Maddox: There are people who have 1000 followers who have this verification thing.

Dick: Oh, I didn’t know that.

Maddox: Yeah. There are people who have, like, 500 followers who have that verification thing.  The point of the verification is that you are who you say you are. 

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: That’s why celebrities get them.  Not because they’re famous, but because people impersonate them often.  So they’re trying to communicate to their userbase that, look, this is an authentic account.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox:  And since I clearly had people who were impersonating me, I needed one of those verification things. I went through the process.  They decided not to give it to me.  Fine.  (Dick cracks up)  Fine!

Dick: Why?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Why didn’t they give it to you?!

Maddox: I don’t know! Didn’t tell me.

Dick: What did they say? (grins)

Maddox: Nothing.  They just…(stammers) they said, oh, they said…

Dick:  (interjects)  We’ll review it?

Maddox: No, they said they were gonna shut down that other guy’s account.  I couldn’t take it over.

Dick: Awwwwww, why?!

Maddox:  Yeah. They just shut it down.

Dick: That sucks.

Maddox: And then didn’t give me the verification thing!

Dick: So everybody lost?! 

Maddox: Yeah!  Everybody.  Like, I jumped through all the hoops.  But, I think because there’s something political going on.  Like you said, Dick.

Dick:  Well, this just started.  It sounds like…

Maddox: (interjects)  No.  No.  It’s been going on for a long time.

Dick: No, the political thing is…

Maddox: (interjects)  No, it’s been going on for a long time.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox:  Clearly, I’m an example of that. I think that someone at Twitter probably doesn’t like me and didn’t…you know. Didn’t put the stamp of approval on this verification badge.

Dick: Hmm.  You didn’t just miss an email?  Is that possible?  Is there an email chain?

Maddox: Ah, it’s possible. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was basically one guy I was talking to. One guy who handles all these things.  And it sounded like he didn’t deal with a lot of it, because this is such an arduous process to get your account verified.

Dick:  It’s weird that you wouldn’t get an email on why they didn’t do that after sending in a bunch of documents.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  After taking all that time to scan three or four documents.

Maddox: So…Dick. Only 12% of the userbase of Twitter right now, is active.  Actually, that’s according to 2014. It’s even lower now. 12% of a social network!  Imagine if only 12% of the people on Facebook were active. That’s insane!

Dick: Well, we should be so lucky.

Maddox: Yeah, right?

Dick:  Uh, how much of…

Maddox:  Twitter…what?

Dick:  Facebook is active?  50? 

Maddox: Facebook is much higher.  Uh, because Facebook is a little bit better about cracking down on drone accounts, on zombie accounts, and things like that.

Dick:  Mmm.

Maddox: Not perfect, but a little bit better.  But there’s no incentive for these companies to shut down zombie accounts.  There’s no incentive for them to shut down spammers. Because, essentially, at the end of the day, they go to their shareholders and they say, “Yeah, we have a userbase of 900 million people.”  But they’re not really being honest of how much of them are active.  Most of them are not, on Twitter especially.  ‘Cause it’s just a bunch of stupid, fucking jokes that aren’t funny.  Even…

Dick:  (interjects) Well, that’s active.

Maddox:  What?

Dick:  The jokes that aren’t funny.

Maddox: 12%, Dick.

Dick: No, I said “that’s active”.  Jokes that aren’t funny.

Maddox: What do you mean?

Dick:  Comedians posting jokes that aren’t funny.  That’s being active.

Maddox: Dick, 12%.

Dick: Right?

Maddox:  But it’s 12% of the userbase.  That’s not active.  That’s a minority.

Dick:  Oh, you’re saying that the majority is not active on Twitter.

Maddox: Yes.  Yeah.

Dick:  Yeah, okay.

Maddox:  12%.  Twitter also creates insular thinking, and it’s the worst kind of filter bubble. People reaffirm their beliefs by blocking or muting people they disagree with.  And Twitter has made it even worse by hiring a committee called the Trust and Safety Council. Did you hear about this?

Dick: No.

Maddox:  They’re providing “input” on their products and programs.  This is according to TechCrunch.  They’re hiring an external anti-bullying advocate to deal with trolls. (Dick laughs)  And these are people…they’re like far-left authoritarians.

Dick:  (sighs)  Yeah.

Maddox:  These are far left.  It’s…and that’s why…

Dick:  (interjects) Good luck!

Maddox: Yeah.  A lot of political opinions are being censored.  That’s why Mila Yiannopoulos…what’s his last name?

Dick:  I don’t know.

Maddox:  He used to have a verified account, and then to PUNISH him, punitively, they took away his verified badge, because verification no longer means you’re verified that you’re an authentic person.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: You’re not being impersonated.  They took away his verification badge as a punitive measure.

Dick: He just got a bunch more attention from it, though.

Maddox: Well, of course. But that’s…it’s fucking awful, essentially.  What they’re doing is they’re silencing dissent.  They’re silencing critics.  Twitter just reaffirms your world view.  It’s the worst kind of filter bubble.  There’s no way to get any kind of good news or information on Twitter. It’s all garbage!  And by the way, Twitter no longer allows you to see unfiltered trending results on your account.  If you look at the trending results on your account, they’re gonna be trending based on what they think, according to their algorithm, that you would be interested in.  So if you live in…Chicago, you’re gonna see a lot of shit going on in Chicago.  Or Los Angeles, a lot of shit going on in Los Angeles. It’s essentially shrinking your world view. You no longer know what’s going on in Thailand, or Hong Kong, or Brazil, or even across the pond. Even across the United States.  You don’t know what’s going on in your own backyard.

Sean:  So it’s just like the news sites you click on.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  No, it’s not!

Sean:  Well, those keep feeding you stories.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean:  Based on what they think you like.

Maddox: (stammers) Like what?

Dick:  Just like Google.

Maddox: Like, for example…

Sean:  (interjects)  Yeah. Google News. 

Maddox:  Well, no.  I think Google News…is a better source, because they show you news sites from all across the country.

Sean:  No, they do, but they’ll also put stories, at least on my phone, they’ll definitely put stories on that they think that you’ll like.

Maddox: I see what you’re saying, yeah.  I know what you’re saying.

Sean:  Because it definitely changes.

Dick:  And it lets you tell it if you don’t like it or not.

Sean:  Then if you clear your history…

Maddox:  (interjects) You’re right Sean, but at least Google News allows you to opt out of that feature.  And I do opt out of it.

Sean:  Yeah, true.

Maddox:  I do opt out of Google New’s suggested feeds and suggested stories, and things like that.  Because it essentially just creates an echo chamber of your own thinking!

Sean:  That’s right!

Maddox: It causes…(stammers)  It’s, um…helping fuel this problem of filter bubbles.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which is one of the biggest problems in the world today. You aren’t even allowed to have critical thinking, because you’re not even being exposed to ideas that challenge you!

Sean:  It’s amazing…

Dick:  (interjects)  And that’s…imagine if you don’t even use Twitter.  Then you’re REALLY fucked.  Right?

Maddox: No. You’re way better off, I think.

Dick:  Oh. 

Maddox: Twitter…I think Twitter…

Dick:  (interjects) We should boycott Twitter, then!!

Maddox:  I think…(laughs)

Dick: What do you think about that?!

Maddox:  I’m not going to.

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox:  I can’t.  I can’t anymore.

Dick:  You CAN’T!!  ‘Cause you’re addicted to money!

Maddox: No. Twitter’s too ubiquitous.  Look, back in the day, before Facebook and social networking, there were other platforms to publish your ideas.  Now, that’s how people find you.  You can’t avoid it.  What were you gonna say, Sean?

Sean:  Well, I was gonna say a couple of things.  Uh, it’s funny how, you know, the Internet has the ability to bring everybody in the world together, yet it seems to isolate us in certain things more.

Maddox: Absolutely.

Sean:  And then, also, I work with a lot of veteran voice actors.  And they all say the same thing:  “I fucking hate Twitter and Facebook and all the social media, but I have to be on it.” 

Maddox: Yeah.  You’re right, Sean.  I use it not because I want to, but because I need to. You can’t really avoid it anymore. It’s a platform that is too ubiquitous.  And I’m pretty active on it.  But here’s the thing.  Here’s how I use Twitter.  If I post a status update on Facebook, you know, I’m a writer.  I’m a New York Times bestseller…

Dick:  (interjects) Wow.  Do you wanna take that again?  ‘Cause that sounded really pompous, the way you said it. (grins)

Maddox: I’m the world’s best writer. (Dick laughs)

Dick:  Okay.

Maddox: I’m a bestselling…New York Times bestselling author, the world’s best writer.  And I have…sometimes a large vocabulary in the things that I’m writing.  Not intentionally, but sometimes I use words that I feel like best express my ideas.

Sean:  His brilliance just OOZES out of him.

Dick:  It fills the banks of English, sometimes.

Maddox:  Yeah. 

Dick:  Like Shakespeare.

Maddox: Yeah. I’m…better than Shakespeare.  So when I’m writing these status updates on Facebook, if I want to post that on Twitter, I will copy and paste it and see if it fits.  If it doesn’t fit, well, either I won’t post it, or I have to go back and change some of my words to use smaller words.

Dick:  UGH!  It’s like burning E.E Cummings’ poetry.  What you’re talking about now.

Maddox: It’s dumbing down our language!

Dick:  Yes.

Maddox:  Twitter is forcing us to use smaller words and a smaller vocabulary because of this arbitrary, stupid, archaic, 140-character limitation. And Twitter itself has even acknowledged it now.  Because they know the writing’s on the walls.  Twitter’s audience is shrinking.  They’re scared.  That’s why they’re tinkering with the algorithm.   They’re tinkering with this Safety Commission.  This Safety Association of far left thinkers.  They’re tinkering with all of these things, and they’re even going to start to tinker with the character limitation on Twitter.  They’re saying that the new version of Twitter’s coming with a 5,000 character limit.

Dick:  Oh, they’re never gonna do that.

Maddox:  Well, they’re saying they’re working on it.

Ah, it’s a good way to get headlines.

Maddox: I mean, that’s the reason I don’t use Twitter, is I just can’t say what I’m trying to say.  And sometimes…

Dick:  (interjects) Wouldn’t you be FOR the 5,000 character limit, then?

Maddox:  5,000, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I’m in favor of that.

Dick: Oh, okay.  That’s called Tumblr, though.

Maddox: Um, it’s just…(stammers) look, I don’t care what it is.  If it’s 1,000 or 5,000, or whatever.  5,000 is pretty significant.  That’s like a two or three-page post.  I don’t even need that much.  I just want to be able to say a sentence or two.  One of the first tweets I ever sent on my Twitter account, and you can go back and look, is…I sent a tweet that said, “The problem with Twitter is that the 140-character limit doesn’t allow you to get into the…” and then that was it.  Like, I couldn’t even finish that sentence.  That thought.

Dick:  Well, what was the point? Let’s shrink it.

Maddox: The point is that it…

Dick: (interjects)  What was the point of that sentence, I mean?  What were you gonna…oh, get into thought, period? That was it?

Maddox: No.  The 140-character limit…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  Doesn’t allow you to have fully-formed thoughts and ideas and it doesn’t allow you to express yourself in a way that allows other people to fully appreciate what you’re trying to say.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah. You can’t even say things like that on Twitter.

Dick: Not enough words!

Maddox: Not en…there’s just this arbitrary limit!

Dick:  #notenoughwords.

Maddox:  A long time ago, Dick, essentially…they were conflating metadata with data.  With information.  Uh, a long time ago, I said it’s kind of like having the ISBN number be part of a book’s title.  You don’t need that.  Anyway.

Dick:  Are those hashtags?  I dunno.  You really need that metadata thing with hashtags.  It’s just like a fun, stupid thing people throw out there.

Maddox: You keep saying fun like it matters.  It’s irrelevant how fun something is. 

Dick:  Well, it’s a social network.

Maddox: It’s a problem.

Dick: It’s defined on how fun it is. 

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: And if it’s not fun to engage in, people won’t use it.  That’s its only purpose.

Maddox:  But that’s irrelevant to my point.  My point is…that metadata should not count towards your 140-character limit, because that’s how people find your data.  Like, for example, the link to the Javascript code shouldn’t count towards your character tweet either. You know, that’s metadata.  You don’t need to have that information count towards your 140-character limit.  I’m not saying it’s not fun! Look, you want to make the case of “it’s fun”.  That’s completely subjective.  Go ahead and do that!  But that’s irrelevant to what I’m saying. It shouldn’t count towards that 140-character limit.

Dick:  Okay.

Maddox: You don’t…you disagree with that?!

Dick:  I kinda don’t care.  Like, it’s..

Maddox:  Well.

Dick:  People use hashtags to just say, like, things they don’t want to just put a word up there.  Like, Oscars!  I’m watching the Oscars.  That’s what I’m doing.  I don’t think they’re really…everyone’s not really using it for metadata.  If you’re talking about wanting to include hashtags, like an ISBN number, that seems like a stretch.  I don’t think that’s what their intent is.  I don’t think that’s how people use them.

Maddox: No, that’s how people use them. That’s what it’s there for.

Dick:  For ISBN numbers?  You think they’re serial coding their…when they say #blessed, you think their purpose is to catalog their post in some kind of metagroup?

Maddox: Yeah, that’s what it’s for.

Dick:  Of positive thinking? 

Maddox: Right.

Dick:  It’s just to tell people that they feel blessed.

Maddox: Well…

Dick:  (interjects) That’s why it’s #blessed. 

Maddox: It’s also because you don’t have enough characters to say “I feel blessed.”  You do #blessed.  But it also…people click on that. Twitter, as a platform, makes those links clickable, so that you can see other people who are also saying those type of things.  So if you want to see a lot of self-affirmation, a lot of positive thoughts and messages, you can click on that hashtag and see them categorized as such.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:  I mean, look. I’m not saying that’s ALWAYS the case, Dick.  You have a point. But for the most part, that’s what hashtags are for.

Dick: I don’t know, I don’t have the data.

Maddox:  Is categorization.  No, I mean, just look at the top trending tweets. You click on those, they’re categories for what people are discussing.  That’s what it’s there for.  Just like in IRC, if you wanna talk about sports, you join #sports. 

Dick:  Well…vote it up.  I dunno.  It’s Twitter, big problem.

Maddox: There it is!

Dick:  I don’t know what to tell you. It’s like a social network.  Like, I don’t really think about Twitter.

Maddox:  Yeah.  Okay.

Dick:  I just go to post shitty jokes. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, everyone does, and I’m tired of ‘em. They’re all shitty. Um, alright guys. My problems this week were…

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox:  Bottled Water and Twitter.

Dick:  My problems are Bumper Stickers, and um…what was the other one?  (Maddox laughs)

(long pause)

Dick:  Sleep Deprivation.  Didn’t remember it ‘cause I didn’t get enough sleep.

Maddox: There you go.

Dick:  I got a bunch more prom requests.

(Voice mail: creepy high-pitched male voice:  “Hi Maddox. I know you generally don’t approve of these things, but I was wondering if you’d go to the adult prom I set up in my backyard.  (someone snorts) With the punch.  And one of those paper mache things you hit with candy in it. (they laughs)  And…maybe we could dance a little.  By the way, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m Dick’s old girlfriend, the hunchback.  (they crack up)  (inaudible)”

Maddox:  I knew it!  I knew it!

Dick: Oh, man.

“Gotta gooooooooooooo!!”)

Dick:  I didn’t recognize her voice at first.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  You think that’s a problem? What could be…what’s the problem with that?  That sounded great.  (giggles)  Why would you hate those prom requests?

Maddox: I feel shamed into going to prom with this person, now.

Dick:  Alright, another one.

(Voice mail:  Erkel-esque male voice:  “Heeeeeeeeeeey, Maddox.  (Dick giggles)”

Maddox:  Lot of girls calling in.  (grins)

“I was wondering if you’d like to go to the prom with me.  Oh, Maddox. You need to go to the prom with me.”

Sean:  Is this Louie Anderson? 

(they laughs)

“And, uh…you know. I…I’ve got fat legs, Maddox.”

Maddox: Sounds like a hot babe.

“You’re an asshole if you don’t come.  Yeah, so…”

Maddox:  Is this Ronda Rousey? (laughs)

Dick: Might be. 

“Shit’s just…(inaudible)”)

Maddox:  Alright.

Dick:  Not a very good prom requests.

Maddox: We got a lot of prom requests.  Yeah.  Good.  Good job, guys. Bravo.

Dick: Oh, here we go. This guy…I keep saying.  If you fuck up, don’t call back in, ‘cause I’m not gonna…like, what’s the point of…here’s this guy’s voice mail.

(Voice mail: male voice:  “Hey, uh...what Maddox has said in this episode here…wait. Fuck.” (they laugh)  “No, I got it.  He says…that the…no. Fuck it.  I’ll call you right back.”)

(they laugh)

Dick:  For everyone who says that these guys are faking it, they’re not. ‘Cause they call right back and leave the entire perfect voicemail!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick:  And it’s, like, a minute and a half long, and they cover all their points, and they’re making good points, and they’re not reading any of it, and they’re even making it funny, and it’s pithy, and it sounds good, the cadence is good.  But…you fuck it up once, that’s what’s getting played!

Sean:  People get nervous. 

Maddox: Yeah. 

Dick:  Yeah.  (giggles)

Maddox: It’s not easy doing what we do, people!!  We’re PROS.

Dick:  Well.  (scoffs) Yeah.

Sean:  It’s not easy doing what you guys do!

Maddox: No!

Dick: Okay.  It’s not.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick:  Sean, you bringing in a problem, by the way?

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You…you ARE?!?!

Sean:  I am!

Dick: You are bringing in a problem?!

Sean: I am…I’m…

Dick:  (interjects)  OH, MY GOD!!!!!!!!! (yelling) What is it?!  Don’t hint!  Give me hints next week!  I don’t want any hints!!!

Maddox: You heard it here first, guys!! (Dick cackles) Sean.  Not Cool Sean. Actual Sean is bringing in a problem.

Dick: Who’s helping you?!

Sean:  That’s r…nobody’s helping me!

Dick: You’re doing it all by yourself?!

Sean:  All by myself!!

Maddox:  (giggles) You condescending…how condescending can he get?!!? (laughing)

Dick: Is it a problem I’ve heard from you?

Sean:  What, outta me?!

Dick: Yeah.

Sean:  I don’t think so!

Dick:  Yeah, ‘cause you say a problem…almost every time we drive over here, you give…”

(file cuts off)