Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 78
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel and Megan Pennock.
Today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Dank Bowls to Shitholes! (Dick giggles) With over 4 million downloads (giggles), this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick.
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Sean: Hello.
Dick: What was…Dank Bowls?
Maddox: Dank Bowls.
Dick: Dink…can you spell that for me?
Maddox: Bowls. Bowls.
Dick: Bowls.
Maddox: Dank bowls. You know, like…
Dick: Dink…
Asterios: A dank bowl is a good thing. A shwag bowl is a bad thing. You don't know stuff about weed.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't give a shit!
Dick: Oh, it's a weed joke.
Asterios: I'm just saying.
Maddox: Yeah, it's a weed joke!
Dick: Okay, okay.
Asterios: When your weed's dank, that's a good thing!
Dick: Yeah, yeah. I dunno if I'd ever call it a dank bowl, though.
Maddox: I…because I use "dank" as sarcastically now, because of the dank memes.
Asterios: Ahhhhh, yes.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: Very clever.
Maddox: Jet fuel.
Asterios: That'll get you outta this one!
Maddox: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (giggles)
Asterios: It was a meeeme.
Maddox: Hey, and with us is…
Dick: (interjects) Asterios is back.
Maddox: Asterios is back. Sean, our audio engineer. And we have the wonderful, beautiful, talented guest, Erin Tillman! Welcome back!
(Sound effect: Applause)
Erin: Yay, I'm so happy to be here, thank you!
Maddox: Wel…welcome back, Erin. And we have, in studio today, a full house. We have guests. We have many people listening.
Dick: It's a guest reunion show.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah, we got Robin Higgins in the corner.
Maddox: Robin Higgins is in the corner.
Asterios: The science queen herself!
Robin: Woooooooo!
Maddox: Yeah. It's a…it's a full house, guys. Alright. So…
Dick: (grins) So what did you guys get up to last week?
Asterios: Oh!!!!!!
Maddox: Ahhhhh.
Dick: And why is everyone pissed off. (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Asterios: Uggggggh. Nyeeeeeeh.
Maddox: Welllllll, first we should do this….
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe from last week was the Virginity Stigma.
(Sound effect: Applause)
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: Yeah!
Asterios: Which I agree with.
Erin: Ohhhh.
Maddox: Right? And followed by Cowardly Perverts.
Dick: Ookay.
Erin: Oooh.
Maddox: Alright. But before we move on, Erin.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: Uh, we should…
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: We should mention your website. For the listeners who haven't listened to that…
Erin: Who don't know who I am.
Maddox: It was Episode 69, guys. If you haven't heard it, go back and listen to 69!
Erin: Oh, that's right.
Dick: That's a good episode.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You were on our big sex episode.
Erin: Wooo!
Maddox: Because you are the Dating Advice Girl.
Erin: It's true! Hi, everybody! So, I am Erin Tillman, as Maddox said. AKA, the Dating Advice Girl. Uhh, for eight years now, I have basically been empowering singles in the dating process. That means that I have a book called the Dating Guidebook, helping singles through the dating process. I do workshops. I do one-on-one coaching. I have a radio show. I do TV appearances. Shout out to Lifetime, Big Women, Big Love, coming back for Season 2, so I should be a part of that, hopefully.
Maddox: Wait, wait.
Dick: Big Women, Big Love was the name of that show? (Maddox giggles)
Erin: Big Women, Big Love, yes.
Dick: Okay.
Erin: It was plus-sized single women I was coaching.
Asterios: It has a very specific audience.
Erin: Yes.
Dick: Ahhh, Asterios. Opposite Guy is up to no good! The opposite of that man is up to no good on this side of the spectrum!
Asterios: His evil twin is fucking up everything!!
Erin: Oh, no!!!!
Dick: He's figuring out ways to get big ladies on TV. (Maddox giggles) You see the battle we're up against?! (yelling)
Asterios: Goddamn it!
Dick: Do you see what we're fighting for in America!!!
Asterios: All I'm saying is, if you're gonna be a perv, just be a perv! Just be proud of it. Don't, like, sneak it into the culture. Just put naked ladies on TV. We'll all be happier. It's easier.
Maddox: Oh, Asterios. Asterios, buddy.
Dick: Hey! Speaking of big ladies. Uh, Asterios and I…
Asterios: Oh, God! (Erin squeals) Oh, no!!!
Dick: We…we went to a burlesque show!
Maddox: Ohh, let's hear it!
Dick: Can I talk about this now?!
Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear this.
Dick: So…so, a fan…a fan wrote, after listening to your…your problem of Burlesque Dancers, where you said…
Erin: What was the problem with that!? I love that!!
Dick: Yeah, Asterios. What's the problem.
Maddox: Yeah, Asterios. Give us a recap of your bullshit, most controversial problem in the history of the show!
Dick: You disgusting man! (giggles) You piece of shit! (laughs)
Asterios: All I have to say…(Maddox giggles) is I just…look. Here's my issue with it.
Erin: What's the problem with burlesque dancers?!
Asterios: I'm explaining it for Chrissakes!! Why don't you text one of your nine boyfriends?!
Dick: Umm…(Dick and Maddox crack up)
Erin: I will! There's 10 actually, there's 10. (they all laugh and talk over each other. Sorry. (kisses)
Asterios: Just need 3 more to make it a baker's dozen! Alright. (Maddox and Dick laugh) Here's my problem with burlesque.
Erin: Gimme a couple buns.
Asterios: My problem with burlesque is this. For some reason, our culture sees burlesque as this empowering, performative thing, and sees strip clubs as this dirty, gross, thing.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Asterios: And what's the difference between them? Literally, like, a pasty.
Dick: A Liberal Arts degree.
Erin: I…I agree!!
Asterios: (yells) A Liberal Arts degree and a funny name like Kiki Saint Needs Attention!! (Erin and Maddox giggle) I just think that…I think that there should be nudity equality, and I think that burlesque dancers should take their clothes off!
Dick: Okay, so.
Asterios: Is that SO wrong?!
Dick: Okay.
Erin: I have lots of friends who are both burlesque dancers or strippers.
Asterios: Okay.
Erin: And the thing is, is that there's a niche for both. Some people don't wanna go into a strip club because it's just not their thing, so they choose a burlesque show. So there are…there is an audience for both. Why…why does there only have to be one?
Dick: Okay.
Asterios: Well…
Dick: No. There…there doesn't have to be one.
Erin: EXACTLY.
Maddox: I…okay, yeah. (they all talk over each other)
Dick: So here's…here's what happened. Alex…Alex Caprio wrote in with the email, "Hey. The reason you have these opinions about burlesque dancers is 'cause you've never seen a REAL burlesque show."
Maddox: Oh, of course.
Dick: That's what I thought!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, okay, fuck you. (Erin giggles) I've never seen a real burlesque show.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Um…
Erin: Maybe you haven't.
Dick: You know, I've seen an overweight woman wearing a Darth Vader mask, dancing around to thirties music.
Maddox: Yeah. I went to a Star Wars…
Dick: And if you've seen that, you've seen 'em all.
Maddox: I went to a video game-themed one. I went to, uh…there's a henna tattoo one. Yeah. We've seen 'em all. (Erin squeals and giggles)
Dick: So, I'm always down for…I say to the…at first I thought it was a woman writing me.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So I'm like, "Oh, yeah, alright, I'll come out."
Maddox: What's the name?
Dick: Alex.
Maddox: Al…okay. Alex could be…
Dick: But there was a picture…there was a pict…(Erin laughs) he attached a picture of his girlfriend.
Erin: 50-50 chance.
Maddox: Ohhhhhh. Sneaky.
Dick: And when I see…
Erin: 50-50 chance, still.
Dick: When I see an attached picture of a woman.
Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah.
Dick: I just…in my brain, I automatically think that it's a woman writing me.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So I was a little too flirty in the response. (giggles) (Maddox laughs) Like, "Oh, shit, it's a guy."
Maddox: You're hitting on a dude!
Dick: Yeah. (Erin giggles) So, um…I'm always down for a drink, and a good time. Asterios is in town, we decide, "What the hell. Let's go check out this burlesque show." And I gotta say, not only did I…not only did I love it…(stammers) it changed my opinion of it.
Erin: Yaaaaaaaay!!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I thought the show was…I thought the show was hot as shit.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I thought it was hot as shit. You know.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: I was getting into it. I was getting the hot sweats.
Erin: What does that mean, getting…oh, okay.
Maddox: Did it…did it move, Dick?
Erin: Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was going to.
Dick: You know…oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Erin: Was there penis movement?
Dick: It's like you get the…well, uh…(Erin giggles) Yeah. Uh…it goes…you get the hot sweats, and then there's penis movement.
Erin: Oh, yes.
Dick: That's how attraction…right? I mean, what am I asking you "right" for? You don't have a penis.
Erin: Yeah, I don't. That's true. (Maddox laughs) I'm confirming that I do not have a penis.
Maddox: But, but…between…between the two…between the two of you guys…
Dick: …two of us, we have at least one penis. Between you and me, right? (they all laugh)
Erin: At least.
Asterios: In between the three of us, we have three of them. (Maddox laughs)
Erin: At least. At least.
Asterios: No. I loved it…I loved it too, by the way. I gotta say. I was…I'm super duper wrong about burlesque. All the burlesque shows I saw were, like, in college and…it was just a lot of overweight girls using it as a…(stammers) a chance to get some self-expression out there. Which, I…disagree with. But um…(Erin starts to protest)
Dick: Yes. Only you should be allowed to express yourself.
Erin: Why can't…yeah! What the heck!?
Asterios: Hello!!! Yeah, thank you!!!
Erin: Girls can self express!!!
Asterios: Hey, zip it, Missy!!! (Dick and Maddox crack up) (Erin yells indiscernibly)
Maddox: Asterios…(inaudible) from last episode!! (cracks up)
Asterios: The bottom line is…oh, yeah. (stammers)
Maddox: (interjects) We gotta get into that too, in a second.
Asterios: But look, the bottom line is…
Dick: (interjects) Look, look.
Asterios: …I loved it. I'm wrong. I'm here…I'm saying I'm wrong.
Dick: (interjects) They were…
Erin: (interjects) I like it. I'll take that.
Maddox: (interjects) Hey…
Asterios: I'm trying to admit I'm wrong. Yeah.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Bravo. Guys, everybody vote down Burlesque Dancers, because it's no longer a problem!
Erin: Yaaaaaaay!!!
Asterios: Or vote it up ironically to keep it at zero forever. (Maddox giggles) But, so…so…here was…but then…(Erin giggles) I'll tell the…
Dick: (interjects) Well, hold on.
Asterios: Okay, sorry.
Dick: Here's why I loved the burlesque show.
Asterios: Alright.
Dick: Because they're excited to be there.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: Yeah. Of course.
Dick: The atmosphere is exciting.
Asterios: Yeah, that's true.
Erin: Oh, see?!
Dick: There's chicks…there's a lot of chicks there, 'cause they're…they're comfortable at a bar. They're comfortable going to a bar…
Erin: Yes.
Dick: When there's this stupid, like, feminist expression thing going on, too.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: Right?
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: And I…I say that jokingly, like…they…they…the…(Erin and Maddox giggle)
Asterios: (interjects) And I'll say it seriously. If it was some dumbass poetry slam, it'd be horrible too! But it wasn't horrible! It was great.
Dick: It was awesome.
Erin: I love everything you're talking about. So they're not stupid, but I love them.
Maddox: One of the best times I've ever had in my life was on Christmas day, I host this Chinese dinner thing with a bunch of friends. And afterwards, everyone's, like, going to a bar, and I thought, "No, I wanna be antisocial. I'm going to a burlesque club." (Erin giggles)
Asterios: Mhmm.
Maddox: And I walked into this place…
Dick: (interjects) On Christmas.
Maddox: On Christmas, yeah.
Dick: Oho, yikes.
Erin: I love it. (they laugh)
Maddox: And I thought…I thought it was gonna be…
Dick: (interjects) Second…second saddest place on Earth.
Maddox: I thought that.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: I thought it was gonna be so sad and depressing, and I walked in, and buddy, it was like…my eyes literally lit up on Christmas, and that hadn't happened since I was eight!
Erin: Awwwwwwwwww!
Maddox: And I was so happy! And…and so were the women!
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: And I have never seen that much money on the stage. You couldn't even see the stage. People were making it RAIN like crazy!!
Dick: At a burlesque show?!
Maddox: 'Cause it was Christmas. Yeah!!! People were tipping the ladies like crazy.
Erin: Yep.
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: They had to come out with a broom.
Erin: Totally.
Asterios: Did you go to Jumbo's?
Maddox: It was Jumbo's. Jumbo's Clown Room.
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin: Jumbo's is amazing!!!
Maddox: In Los Angeles. (giggles) Yeah!
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: It was a great time!
Dick: (stammers) No, you know what? I don't like Jumbo's.
Maddox: Nah, it was fun.
Dick: Ehhhhh.
Maddox: It was fun, and the women, that night, were beautiful and happy, and it was awesome! It was a good experience!
Dick: Yeah. I think…I think part of the problem was, I was equating it to strip clubs, probably wrongly.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause it's..it's not.
Asterios: They're different things.
Dick: It's just a way to have fun at a bar.
Erin: Exactly.
Dick: Which I thought was great.
Asterios: It's fem-positive. Exactly.
Maddox: (scoffs) Fem-positive. And a lot of the…(Erin laughs) yeah. SPEAKING OF FEM-POSITIVE, I got some comments, Asterios.
Asterios: Oh wait, we gotta finish! We gotta finish.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Oh. So then, to compare, Asterios and I went to a strip club after.
Maddox: Of course. You have to…you have to…(they talk over each other)
Asterios: …(inaudible) scientists.
Erin: Oh, no.
Dick: Where I…where I fell asleep.
Erin: I've been there.
Dick: And Asterios disappeared for 40 minutes. (laughs)
Asterios: Look.
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh.
Asterios: We got real, real drunk 'cause it was, like, a craft beer bar that this burlesque show was at, so I didn't know how drunk I was getting.
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, and I forgot to eat dinner.
Asterios: And so I woke up the next day on…on..(giggles) Dick's couch, covered, lovingly, in a nice red blanket that he put on me.
Dick: Alright, alright, alright.
Erin: Awwwwwwwwwwww.
Maddox: Awwwww…(laughing) (they all talk over each other)
Dick: We're getting inappropriate here.
Asterios: I said he's a nice guy.
Dick: Inappropriate.
Asterios: But…but moving back, so…look. Before I knew it…I…I had somehow spent three hundred and thirty dollars…(Dick cackles) in the span of about 20 minutes. Now, a lap dance…(Maddox giggles) at…the Spearmint Rhino costs 20 dollars for topless.
Dick: 40 bucks?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Oh, really?
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: Oh.
Asterios: Well that's why you gotta go.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: Um…(Erin giggles) it's 20 dollars for a topless. Especially in the valley.
Dick: Half price. I just doubled my dances, guys. (Erin and Maddox laugh)
Asterios: So now, I literally got FIFTEEN dances, or, if each song's three minutes, 45 minutes' worth of fun.
Maddox: From the same girl!?
Asterios: Yeah!! She was British!!! But...(Maddox laughs)
Dick: Ohhhhh, yeah.
Erin: What?!
Dick: Yeah. That's hot.
Asterios: I couldn't even see her face!
Maddox: Of course…
Dick: That's hot. 'Cause that's, like, a sophisticated stripper.
Maddox: Uh-huh…(laughing)
Asterios: Yeah. Exactly. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yeah, that's hot as shit.
Asterios: A classy lady of the night.
Erin: Oh…
Dick: (interjects) Erin, have you ever told someone to fake an accent to pick up women? That's a pretty good technique.
Asterios: It's a good trick.
Erin: I've never…(inaudible) we love an accent. It's true.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Have you ever faked an accent with a guy? 'Cause guys love that shit.
Erin: Um, no, because I'm terrible…
Maddox: Australian, British.
Erin: But, like, "waaah-tah" (tries the accent) "waaaaa-tah"
Maddox: That's…that's so hot!!
Asterios: That's good.
Erin: Right-o! Cheerio!!
Asterios: That's pretty hot.
Dick: I'm getting the heat sweats right now!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin: Oh, see!? Okay, thank you.
Maddox: That's super hot. (Erin giggles)
Asterios: So…so. But, long story short. I spent $300.
Dick: Oh, it's too late for that.
Maddox: Yeah. (they crack up)
Asterios: For 45 minutes' worth of lapdances (they're still laughing) I was so drunk, I'm pretty sure I got three lapdances?! And then…
Dick: (interjects) Probably from five women, though.
Asterios: I…I…
Dick: (interjects) That's why it was so much.
Asterios: I think I REALLY fucked it up. And that…won't happen at a burlesque club. Like, if you walk in there and somehow lose $330, like, you've been robbed at gunpoint. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Yeaaaaah.
Asterios: Like, so I think I'm...I think I'm gonna, uh, ease off on the strip clubs and do the burlesque shows from now on, 'cause they have a lot of advantages.
Maddox: You've been robbed at gunpoint, or you got 2 drinks at the bar.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly! Yup.
Erin: Mhm! Yeah, exactly. (laughing)
Dick: I gotta...I forgot to mention, the, uh, the burlesque dancer that we saw, who invited us to the show, Sug-...I don't...she's Sugar Pepper Jones, or m-...I don't know what name she was. (inaudible)
Maddox: Did you meet her? Was she there that night?
Dick: Oh yeah, she was great!
Asterios: She was great!
Dick: She was great.
Asterios: We only needed her name. It was nuts.
Maddox: Hey, Sugar Pepper Jones, thank you for showing the show a good time. Appreciate it.
Erin: Yaaaay!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Alright, so...so Asterios, uh, so last episode... (Erin snickers) Erin, just to catch you up. So Asterios came in in that last episode, and during his problem it got a little bit derailed.
Erin: Mhm.
Maddox: And we started talkin' about, like, some...feminist talking points and things, and about how women are called "bossy," and a listener -
Erin: Hmm.
Dick: (interjects) According to the comments, you guys grew vaginas and this turned into "The View." That's what...
Maddox: Uh, don't "you guys..." (stammering angrily) (Asterios and Sean laugh loudly)
Erin: Oh, oh!
Maddox: Don't "you guys" me, dickhead!!
Erin: Oh, I love this.
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: Continue, yes.
Maddox: So...and I wanna get your opinion on this, Erin.
Erin: Oh oh, you'll get it. (Dick cackles) Don't worry.
Maddox: Good! Good. (Erin laughs) So this woman wrote in, Asterios, a woman listener from the show. Her name's Marie. She says, "Maddox, I'm rather disappointed by your guest this week, as he decided he was speaking for all women and how hard it is for women."
Erin: Well, first of all -
Dick: (interjects) Well, who else is gonna speak for them? (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Erin: I was gonna say, first of all, a guy speaking for women? That's a little ridiculous, but go on.
Maddox: Yeah, right.
Dick: Oh, that's sexist!
Maddox: Nope! (giggles)
Dick: That's sexist, to say it's wrong for a guy to speak on behalf of... (Erin stammers in protest) What, guys can't speak on behalf of women just because they have a dick??
Erin: They can...
Maddox: THAT'S sexist, Dick!
Dick: That's sexist!
Maddox: That's sexist? That's... (yelling unintelligibly)
Erin: They can, but they won't though.
Dick: That's sexist!
Maddox: YOU'RE sexist!
Dick: That's sexist. (grinning)
Maddox: Asterios, you're sexist.
Asterios: This entire conversation has gendered overtones that I don't like. Why can't *people* speak about *people*? (Maddox and Dick burst out laughing) (Sean grumbles in the background)
Dick: Shut the fuck up! (giggling)
Erin: You...you can!
Asterios: I said the...I made the mildest, like, pro-female comments I think I could possibly make.
Maddox: Ohh, hold on, hold on. Hold on, buddy.
(all talking over each other)
Erin: Alright, well let me give my opinion.
Maddox: Let...yeah, let...
Erin: I'll give my opinion.
Asterios: Alright.
Maddox: Let's get through this, uh, this email.
Asterios: Alright, alright, alright.
Maddox: It's a bit of a long one.
Asterios: Go.
Maddox: He said...she said...excuse me. She says, "He was speaking on behalf of all women," and she says, "I am..." She says, "I AM one."
Dick: Prove it. (laughs with Erin)
Maddox: "I am also an engineer." She says, "I'm also an engineer..."
Erin: Okay.
Maddox: "...and I am WAY tired of men telling me how hard it is for me." (Dick laughs) "They're just as bad as sexist fuckwits who used to think that playing grab-ass with interns was acceptable -- yes, that happened to me, lest you think that at the end of this tirade I'm pretending sexism doesn't exist -- because they are perpetuating the idea that being called names is somehow 'harassment.'"
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: "You know something? These whiners, with their wage gap and banning 'bossy,' can suck it. If you're cowed by the word 'bossy,' congratulations! You've just proven that you're not gonna make it in the real world, where people could care less about how your needs aren't being met."
Erin: Wow.
Maddox: "I've earned the respect of my coworkers, male and female, because I do my job and I do it well, and I don't get weepy when someone calls me names." She says, "Modern feminists would have you believe that the world is full of sexists that want to crush your poor little woman spirits. Well, I got news for them: they're right! But they're not only doing it to women, and it isn't sexism. The world is trying to cru-..." Excuse me. "The world is going to try to crush you no matter what you do or who you are. It's up to you to show the world that you should get the respect you deserve. And by the way, I don't feel like I need representation in a movie to make me feel good about myself." Yadda yadda yadda. (Dick cackles)
Erin: Wow.
Maddox: And she said -
Dick: (interjects) "Yadda yadda..." Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! (cracks up) To wrap this -
Erin: Yeah, I think -
Asterios: (interjects) Are you sure this was written by a woman? Because it sounds like a guy just put a buncha talking points together.
Dick: Yeah, that...I agree with you.
Erin: There's a lot goin' on in there.
Asterios: I mean, come onnn!
Dick: How many typos were in it?
Erin: It's a lot.
Asterios: This is a honey trap here.
Maddox: I cut it down, actually. There was more in here.
Asterios: Oh, well then it must've been a woman.
Maddox: Yeah, it... (laughs with Erin)
Asterios: Yeah.
Erin: That's probably true, actually. Yeah, I agree.
Dick: There's...well, there's a point in there that always, um, annoys me about femini-...the feminist talk in general.
Erin: And then I'll answer, since I'm a girl too.
Maddox: Yeah, I wanna hear Erin. Yeah.
Erin: Yes, but go on.
Dick: It's that, yeah, the world is...everyone in the world is trying to destroy you and take your stuff all the time.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Like, it... (stammers) It's not because of your sex. It's just, yeah, that's a good thing to use. Like, if you're weak on it, if you can be exploited by it, we'll use it! 'Cause everyone's trying to take what you have all the time.
Erin: Here's the deal.
Maddox: What do you have to say, Erin? Yeah.
Erin: Here's the deal, though. Okay, I'm gonna use a real good example in politics: the fact that women don't earn the same amount of money as men in the same jobs.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: Oh...uhhhh... (laughing uncomfortably)
Dick: Aughhh.
Erin: That's a...nonononono, but wait, wait, wait! 'Cause I am not a girl who's like, "Oh my g-..." (ditzy voice) (Dick sighs) I'm actually very pro-man. I love men. I actually have gotten a lot of awesome perks because I'm a girl and guys are...whatever! (Maddox chuckles) All I'm saying is -
Dick: (interjects) A lot of...like a lot of dick pics? Is that one of the perks of being a woman? (smiles)
Erin: Oh, we'll get to that. Yeah, and...all that comes with that. But here's...but here's the deal. Seriously though, like, I am not a girl who's like, "Oh my God, men, and they're tryin' to take things away," and stuff. There are some unfair things, but I also think that there's a lot of fairness. So I'm one of those rare girls, perhaps, that's like, "No, I don't see a lot of unfairness," but in terms of money? There is some unfairness. And if you're in a...if you're in a field that's mostly men, I think that it can be hard for women. I will say that too.
Maddox: Sure.
Erin: 'Cause they do have to prove themselves a little more.
Sean: Everybody pull up a chair. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: I know... (laughs)
Sean: Here it goes!
Dick: Here it goes.
Erin: Let's do this! Yes!!
Maddox: Erin, literally...literally tonight, I got -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, make it...make it fast.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: We all...the audience knows the wage gap is a myth.
Maddox: Sure. Of course.
Dick: We all know the wage gap is a myth.
Maddox: Well, it's not. It's not a myth; it's just not what they say it is. It's actually like 7...7%, and there...the -
Erin: (interjects) 7% what?
Maddox: 7% difference between men and women.
Erin: But why is there even that?
Maddox: Because -
Dick: (interjects) Because they compare weird jobs.
Maddox: Nonono, that's not it. That's after they've controlled for all those variables. After they've controlled for jobs, and...uh, education and experience, et cetera.
Erin: Mhm.
Maddox: The remaining gap is about 7%. 5 to 7%.
Erin: Okay.
Maddox: Uh, part of that reason is that women are less likely to negotiate for salaries, and on average they've found that women who do negotiate for salaries find that their salaries are...7% more. On average. (smug)
Erin: But here's what I would say, though.
Dick: (interjects) So ask for a raise! That's a good solution.
Erin: Well, and women do. Here's an example: my mom is a retired professor with her PhD. She's asked for raises and got a few, but all of the guys in her field, in her department, still made more than her. And she found out through a weird way, and it's a weird thing. She's super qualified. Actually has more qualifications than some of her colleagues did. Now listen, there's all these different factors that could be at play, but I do think there's some disparity in some way.
Maddox: Sure.
Erin: You know? For so many different reasons. But I'm not one to say, "Women never are fairly paid!" I'm not one to say that either.
Maddox: Well, so that's -
Asterios: (interjects) And I kinda w-...and look, this is what I said last time. I'll just say it again one more time. We don't have to, uh, go too nuts on this. (Erin chuckles)
Dick: Huh. (grins)
Asterios: I just feel like it's... (Erin giggles at Dick) I feel like there are areas in our culture and society where -
Erin: (interjects) Oh, he's...be careful.
Dick: Oh my GOD. Get a violin behind this. (Maddox and Erin laugh loudly) What the FUCK. (Asterios sighs wearily)
Erin: It's like a totally different guy right now!
Dick: Alright. Here's a voicemail. I gotta play this first.
Sean: He's addicted to comment abuse, I think. (Erin snickers)
Maddox: Asterios got beat up so much in the comments.
Dick: Here, lemme just...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Lemme just play this.
Maddox: Let's hear it. [Dick plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys. Uh, I was listenin' to the last episode with you and Asterios, and you guys were talkin' about virginity shaming and...you know, you guys were actually gettin' into some pretty deep stuff, and...you know, it was actually kinda touching. And then it made me wonder, um...hey Maddox, uh, what kinda maxi pads do you prefer? (everyone cracks up) The kind with wings or the kind without? Fuckin' pussy.
[message ends]
Dick: Is that what this guy was talkin' a-...? I get it now.
Erin: Ohh, boy.
Maddox: What an asshole!! (Dick giggles) You know, this piece o' shit! I got a real comment from someone...so Erin, that's the other thing we talked about last time, was virginity stigma, and the stig-...basically that if you are a virgin -
Erin: (interjects) For guys or girls?
Maddox: For both!
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: It's actually...it exists for both.
Erin: More for guys, though.
Maddox: More for guys, definitely.
Erin: I know some guy virgins who are like 30 and above, and other peop-
Dick: (interjects) Whooooa!
Erin: Ex-...that's the reaction, right there.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: Exactly.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: And I get it!
Dick: Oo, that's unacceptable.
Maddox: Listener, uh, Jason sent in this email. He said, "I'm currently a 29-year-old male living in upstate New York, and I have been a listener since the start of the podcast. I wanna say that I was one of these chumps that put sex on a pedestal, and as a result, didn't have sex despite multiple opportunities in the past. I am and have always been a large man and was given no attention by girls in my high school, so I didn't even have my first kiss or lose my virginity until I was 20. However, that went badly shortly after. I chose to blame myself and go off the market. After much thought about your debunking of the sex mythos, I decided to forego all my insecurities and put myself out there. Thanks to Tinder, I have met multiple women..."
Erin: Oh boy.
Dick: Yeeeah.
Maddox: "...so I'm not as undesirable as I thought, and most recently met a woman who was into the whole 'friends with benefits' idea." (Dick guffaws) "Thanks to her, I'm getting sexts and booty calls all the time. But if it wasn't for you guys and this show, I wouldn't have realized what an ass I'd been, nor would I have put myself out there."
Erin: Ohh!
Maddox: "Forever a fan: Jason. PS - All the fucking cheap fucking fans need to buy the bonus episodes." Which, we're gonna work on Season 2!
Dick: They're all on iTunes now, yeah.
Maddox: They're on iTunes.
Dick: All of...thank God, they're all fuckin' finally on iTunes.
Maddox: And Season 2's coming soon, guys.
Erin: Yaaaaay!
Maddox: Thanks for listening, thanks for supporting the show.
Dick: Sorry for the delay. Uh, I want that guy to write back in 3 weeks with that "she's okay with 'friends with benefits'" shit.
Maddox: Oh, I've been there, man! I've had some girls like that.
Erin: No, some girls are into it.
Maddox: Robin's...Robin's nodding over there. (smiles) (Dick guffaws)
Erin: Nonono, it's true.
Dick: Right?? You're...Robin, you're on my side, right? (Maddox laughs) Let's see how long that lasts. She's nodding "yes." Yeah. (grins) Yeah.
Erin: No no, nonono, here's the deal.
Dick: Yeah.
Erin: In LA, all bets are off, and there's definitely girls who aren't looking for a relationship here.
Maddox: Yeah, definitely.
Erin: Especially older women who just want a dude who can actually last long enough, which is usually a younger guy. I said it.
Maddox: Yeah! That's right.
Dick: You know what? There's a stigma around not lasting long enough. (Maddox groans) Who cares if you only last 2 seconds? Fuck it. (everyone else bursts out laughing)
Erin: That's awesome.
Dick: Like, what is she gonna do, unfuck you?! (more laughing) Too late, bitch! (giggles)
Asterios: "Your problem now, lady! Gotta go!"
Erin: Terrible. Terrible.
Maddox: Sssssss-...so many victims.
Erin: But younger guys are eager to please, see?
Dick: I've got...
Erin: Younger than the guys in here, I'm saying. Like 20-somethings?
Dick: Younger guys are easier to...?
Erin: Are real eager to ple-...
Dick: Eager!
Erin: They're eager to please older women.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: I don't want to anymore.
Erin: And we all agree! Oh... (spits out laughing)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh-huh. You'll go to Chow Town right away. Right, buddy?
Asterios: Meh. (Erin and Maddox laugh) Eh, if I feel like it.
Erin: "Chow Town"!!
Asterios: Sometimes I gotta get the car warmed up first.
Maddox: Chow Town. Right, Erin? That's...
Erin: That's amazing! (squeaking)
Maddox: That's a hot...a hot phrase!
Asterios: Sometimes I just -
Erin: (interjects) It...I've never heard it before, but I like it. (laughs more with Maddox)
Asterios: Sometimes I take the shortcut straight to Pound Town. (Maddox laughs loudly) 'Cause it's just f-...it's faster for me. But...we're gonna get into this later.
Erin: Yeah, yeah! It's all about you and the lady suffers and hates it.
Asterios: Well. Well, mm... (skeptical)
Maddox: Hmmm.
Erin: Not necessarily! Sometimes.
Dick: You can't say it out loud, but...
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: ...let's be honest. (Erin giggles)
Asterios: Yeah. As long as she suffers in silence, I don't care. (Erin groans)
Dick: I got one more voicemail.
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.
Dick: One more voicemail, and then let's get to some problems. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail: (male caller with fake Irish accent) Good day, boys. This be Bono.
Maddox: Bono. (grins)
(cheering in background)
Sean: Yes!!
Voicemail: Did ya miss me? I've been so busy makin' the world a better place. (Dick giggling) You know boys, I'm always solvin' big problems. Sometimes, I turn problems into solutions. Case in point: piss driblets! (Dick laughs) A real solution when you're ass-faced in a Walmart, urinating on a self-checkout station.
Dick: Huh. (grinning)
Voicemail: And why wouldn't ya? Especially when you're cockeyed drunk on Fireball whiskey.
Maddox: Hmm.
Voicemail: America's favorite pseudo-whiskey. (everyone laughs) And proud sponsor of U2.
Dick: You got honey whiskey now, huh, too?
Voicemail: Another time, after a long night of boozin', shut me chatty Uber driver up by fillin' me knickers with a spicy Havana omelet.
Dick: Oh, gross. (winces) (background laughter)
Voicemail: (inaudible) ...I'm such a success, boys. Until next time, here's wishin' ya a rainbow. Bono out. (everyone laughs loudly)
[message ends]
Asterios: So Bono had nothing specific to say about that last episode.
Maddox: No.
Asterios: He was just, like, saying hi.
Maddox: Bono likes to call in from time to time. He gets drunk, he gets lost, he gets confused, and he calls in. Big shopper at Walmart! Bono.
Asterios: Yeah. I'm just saying!
Maddox: From U2. Bono from U2, he's a big fan of the show.
Asterios: I'm impressed...I'm impressed that -
Erin: (interjects) Are you serious?!?
Asterios: That Bono just... (talking over each other)
Maddox: Yeah, that was Bono!
Dick: Yeah, that was Bono.
Asterios: That was Bono!
Erin: That's amazing!! (Maddox giggles)
Dick: That was the real Bono.
Erin: The real Bono. (skeptical)
Maddox: So Erin, uh, that listener...we had one of those readers write in and say that Tinder helped him solve his virginity problem.
Erin: Oh, I heard it.
Maddox: Which I think leads us to your first problem this week.
Erin: Ughhhh!
Maddox: What is it?
Erin: SO pissed. I gotta brace myself for this. So here's what happened, boys. And listeners. (takes deep breath) Okay, so I'm on -
Dick: (interjects) That's...it's boys.
Erin: As a... (cracks up) Boys. (everyone laughs) Here's what happened, men, boys. So, here's the deal: so I was on Tinder, um...for, like, a couple years. All of a sudden, like a few months ago, I decided to switch my account to a dating expert account. So I was on there -
Dick: (interjects) What does that mean?
Erin: That basically means that if you were to go onto my profile -- which I can't now, 'cause I'm BANNED -- um...
Maddox: Uh-oh.
Erin: ...you would see my pictures, and then below you would see a really nice thing I wrote on there, saying, "Hi guys! My name is Erin Tillman, Dating Advice Girl, and I'm here to help you pick good profile pictures and help you message girls when you meet up...when you match up with them."
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Which, by the way guys, such a valuable tip!
Erin: Thank yooou!
Maddox: Right? It is absolutely valuable. If you have -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, what's the valuable tip?
Maddox: Well, have one of your attractive female friends look at your profile and pick the right pictures for you.
Erin: Yes, because it's...
Dick: No, tha-... (scoffs)
Erin: It's just ridiculous, the pictures guys are posting.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: I did that and they all just made fun of mine, so I said "fuck you." (Maddox shrugs)
Erin: Well, these aren't good friends then.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Nyeah.
Erin: Get some new girl friends. That's my...advice.
Maddox: So you were...?
Erin: So... (chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah. You had your dating professional account.
Erin: Yes. So, here's the problem. Alotta guys don't read the profile. I get it. I had some cute pictures as my pictures, right?
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Right.
Erin: So some guys were just like, "Oh, cute girl. I'm gonna swipe right."
Dick: Yeah.
Erin: Here's what happened. So some of the guys, once they swiped me and, like, messaged me and they said, "Hi! Can I take you out?" (Dick chuckles) I said I'm actually here -
Dick: (interjects) You're gonna get some pissed off guys with this strategy, Erin. (giggles)
Erin: And that's what happened. So I was like...they were like, "Oh, I'd like to take you out." I'm like, "I'm actually here for networking and to help you with your profile."
Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
Erin: "How's it going on Tinder?" Most of the guys, 90% of the guys were like, "Oh my God, thank you so much." It was actually surprising. They were like, "Thank you so much. I don't know what I'm doing on here, I don't know what to say to girls. Please let me...please help me." Like a few douchebags were so pissed off. They were like, "Why can't I take you out?" I said, "Read my profile." They read it and then they were like, "Oh my God, you effin' B. I can't believe blah blah..." I'm like, "Listen dude, I didn't misrepresent - "
Dick: (interjects) How DARE you.
Erin: "I said it in the beginning. Here's my profile," and they flagged me, which led to me getting banned on Tinder.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: To play...oops, sorry.
Erin: What my point...nonono, wait!
Asterios: I'm sorry.
Erin: Real quick! These freakin' dudes...like, I've had guys message me with, like, really scary, violent stuff.
Maddox: Right.
Erin: And they're probably not even gettin' banned. The fact that I'm on there helping guys...most guys are like, "Yay!" and I get banned? That's effin' crap. So I've sent a few emails to Tinder, and I'm currently tweeting the CEO, being like, "Hey dude, 8 years as an expert, here to help people on your thing. Please unban me." So we'll see what happens.
Maddox: Wow. So you got...so your problem is what? Getting...?
Erin: Um, getting unfairly banned from things...uh, digitally, let's say.
Maddox: On the Internet?
Erin: Internet things, app things...
Asterios: Unfair Internet bans.
Dick: You could just be getting unfairly banned.
Maddox: Unfairly ba-...unfair internet bans. That's it, yeah.
Erin: Unfairly banned.
Asterios: "Unfair Internet Bans," how 'bout that?
Erin: 'Cause it's not the Internet. It's an app, but still.
Asterios: Look, all I'm gonna say is, just to...just to play devil's advocate for a second...
Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
Erin: Here we go.
Asterios: ...which some other men don't like to do.
Erin: Okay! (giggles)
Asterios: Um...it's kinda like you went into a strip club dressed as a stripper, (Dick laughs quietly) and then when people asked you for a lap dance you were like, "Well, I'll take your $20, but I'll give you advice on how to get a better lap dance."
Dick: Well... (shrugging)
Maddox: Oh, Aste-...Asterios... (buzzer sound effect) I'm gonna call you on that!
(talking over each other)
Dick: Eh, you're a little off.
Erin: No, 'cause I didn't take money!
Dick: Yeah, a little off.
Maddox: No, no, no. You're -
Erin: (interjects) There was no exchange!
Dick: This is...
Maddox: I'll... (stammers) I'll tell you, that strip club analogy? It's like goin' to a strip club...
Asterios: Mhm.
Maddox: ...and there's a woman dressed as a stripper, but guess what? She's the cocktail waitress. (cracks up) She's not gonna take her clothes off.
Erin: I love that!!
Dick: No.
Erin: Yes!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's like...it's like going into a strip club, except... (Maddox and Erin cackle) Except it's a library.
Erin: Noooo!
Maddox: What? Nooo.
Dick: Like, why the fuck...
Maddox: No!
Dick: Why the fuck would they call this a strip club? It's NOT one.
Maddox: No, no, no. Erin...
Dick: Why...like, this is -
Maddox: (interjects) Erin was not misleading. (Dick guffaws)
Erin: Thank you.
Maddox: She was not misrepresenting herself.
Dick: Yes she is! Yes you are.
Erin: No I'm not!!
(yelling over each other)
Asterios: Isn't everyone on Tinder to hook up?!
Dick: Yeah! It's a dating app.
Erin: No, no!
Asterios: I mean, no one's on Tinder for dating advice.
Erin: Some people on there to promote them-...their businesses and stuff, and get...
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Okay.
Erin: ...like, followers on Instagram, et cetera. Long story short, all I'm saying is from the beginning, I had everything written in my profile.
Asterios: Mhm.
Dick: Mhm.
Erin: So at no point did I bait and switch anybody or anything.
Asterios: Mhm.
Erin: And when they matched me, I said, "Hi! I'm Erin Tillman, the Dating Advice Girl." I never once said, "Hey baby, let's..." No.
Asterios: And listen, I'm not s-
Dick: (interjects) It seems like a poor user experience. If I was Tinder, I don't think I'd want that happening on my dating network. (Maddox stammers in protest)
Erin: Hey!! Well then, message me and say that rather than BANNING me like a...
Maddox: Right.
Dick: No... (hesitant)
Erin: ...like an undercover douchebag. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yeah...no, 'cause here's the thing.
Dick: (interjects) Just ban 'em! (Erin laughs)
Maddox: No, 'cause here's the thing. 'Cause now Erin can't use her account if she actually wanted to use the service for DATING now, she can't.
Erin: Yeah, ex-...you get it!
Asterios: Well, couldn't you just get a new email?
Maddox: Right? I totally get it, 'cause that happened to me!
Asterios: Couldn't you get a new email address? I mean...
Maddox: No no, 'cause it's -
Asterios: (interjects) Is it IP locked or something?
Dick: It's Facebook.
Maddox: It's tied to your Facebook account.
Asterios: Ohhh, okay. Alright.
Erin: Yeah, so basically what happens is you log -
Maddox: (interjects) Huge pain in the ass.
Erin: You log in, it jumps to Facebook, and then it just goes back to Tinder, jumps back to Facebook, so it won't let you go and it just keeps going back and forth.
Dick: Yeah.
Erin: Then it says, "Server unavailable." Banned.
Asterios: But it's...when you get -
Dick: (interjects) When you get unbanned, are you gonna be doing this, um...are you gonna be running this ad, still?
Erin: No, it's not an ad!
Maddox: It's not an ad. She's actually helping people.
Asterios: It's a solicitation!
Erin: No, no...nonono, listen.
Dick: How is it not an ad?
Erin: Because I'm live interacting with dudes and, like, actually helping them and interacting, so it's not like a cut-and-paste thing.
Dick: Presumably, you want to make money off of this dating advice.
Erin: I'm offering them a service for free.
Dick: Mhm.
Erin: And then I...so what I was doing is, I -
Dick: (interjects) Is there an upsell at any point?
Erin: At some point I ask them for their email, if they'd like to give it to me! (Dick sighs quietly) And then when they give it to me, I a-...I say, "I'm gonna add you to my newsletter, and in my newsletter I'm gonna be giving free dating tips and other things like events and stuff."
(Maddox, Asterios and Dick start talking over each other)
Maddox: Which is...which is why -
Dick: That sounds like an ad!
Asterios: That's a pretty soft CTA, actually. That's not...
Maddox: No, but it...yeah! It's -
Asterios: (interjects) It could be worse.
Maddox: No, it's great!
Erin: And some guys opted out! And they were like, "Thank you so much, I'm not interested," and I said, "You know what? No problem."
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: "Good luck. Thank you so much."
Maddox: Here's the thing: she's not -
Asterios: (interjects) Look, all I'm s-...oh, sorry.
Maddox: Yeah. So she's not misrepresenting herself. She's there to provide a service for a lot of guys who need it, 'cause guys kinda suck...and if you wanna talk about misrepresenting yourself on Tinder?
Erin: Let's talk about it, yes!!
Maddox: Yeah, let's talk about those bullshit pictures of you on a yacht with your buddies. (Erin laughs) Hanging out, just...all the time on a yacht! Oh, snowboarding? You got a fuckin' baby tiger?? Oh, cool! (Erin laughs more) Nice pet baby tiger!
Asterios: Are you talking about Dick's Tind-...? Don't make fun of Dick's Tinder account, please! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Oh, maybe I should...maybe I should get you to look at my Tinder account while you're here.
Erin: I'll do it! Let's do it!
(talking over each other)
Dick: That'd be funny.
Maddox: Let's see it! Let's pull it up!
Dick: Alright, hold on. Let's do it.
Erin: Let's see this thing. Let's see it.
Dick: Hold on. It's actually an ad for my realty company. Is that wrong? (Maddox laughs)
Erin: Ummm, not the same thing!
Maddox: You dickhead. (giggling) No, because dating -
Asterios: (interjects) Picture of your bank account...
Maddox: It's dating-related. If I went to a bank and I was there to do a transaction, and someone was there saying, "Hey, I'm not a teller - "
Dick: (interjects) "I'm a stripper." (everyone laughs loudly)
Asterios: Right. "Gimme a $20, and now that I have it I'm not a stripper, but I'm gonna give you dating advice."
Maddox: "I'm not a teller, but if you're in the...if you're in the market for a loan, I can help you out." I'd be like, "Okay! Thank you," or "No, thank you." Uh, either way, I'd be fine, 'cause it's related to the banking!
Asterios: Look, all...
Dick: Uhh... (hesitant) (Erin laughs)
Asterios: I'm just saying, if you're on Tinder, a social network that is purely an appearance-based hookup platform...
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: ...it may not be the best social channel to advertise your service.
Dick: Like, the...this is what you're...this is what you're doing.
Erin: (interjects) For dating?!
Dick: Nono...yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: For...for guys.
Asterios: Mmm... (skeptical)
Dick: This is what you're doing with -
Asterios: (interjects) Would you go on...would you do it on Backpage?
Erin: No!!
Asterios: Why?
Maddox: What is Backpage?
Dick: Backpage is for stri-...uh, hookers.
Maddox: Is it really?!
Erin: Yeah.
Dick: It's like a classified ads for hookers, yeah.
Maddox: What's the URL? Uh... (laughs with Erin)
Erin: No, because, like -
Asterios: (interjects) Backpage.com/biggest! (everyone else laughs loudly) Save $10 your next hooker servicing.
Maddox: Hey, where are they gonna sleep?? (giggles more) (Asterios laughs)
Dick: Here's the effect of what you're doing though, because there's...there's a great feeling when you get a match on any of these stupid things.
Erin: Mhm.
Dick: Like, especially...girls get tons of them.
Erin: Yes, that's true.
Dick: They don't care.
Erin: We do. It's true.
Dick: A GUY, you get, like...it's like...it's like the...it's like there's something in the air. (Erin laughs) You get that...that little bubble '1' pops up.
Erin: Yes.
Dick: And you're like, "Oooo, I might get laid! Dick might be gettin' laaaaid this Friday after takin' this chick to a wine bar!" That...you...
Maddox: (scoffs) Wine bar.
Asterios: Wine bar. (intrigued)
Erin: Yeah, but that's an assumption. That's an assumption!
Dick: But what you're doing -
Erin: (interjects) If you read a pro-...listen, listen!
Dick: Hold on! Hold on, hold on. Hold on.
Erin: There's couples on Tinder too!
Dick: What you're doing is destroying that hope. Like, you're...
Erin: No.
Dick: It's all...it's all for nothing.
Erin: No!
Dick: You're taking that dream! You're taking that whole...
Erin: NO.
Maddox: Oh my gosh. (exasperated)
Dick: ...that dream, and you're crushing it!
Erin: Nonono! If I...no. If I just had -
Dick: (interjects) So you deserve it.
Erin: No.
Dick: That's what I'm saying. (chuckling)
Erin: No, if I just had pictures on there without any words, you would be correct.
Dick: Words don't matter.
Asterios: Who goes to T-...who goes to Tinder for the WORDS?!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But...no!
Asterios: It's APPEARANCE-based!! You're swiping left or right!
Erin: Nonono! Listen, listen! Listen!
Maddox: Asterios, you've never done this with a girl. Girls read profiles.
Erin: Yes.
Dick: Weird!!
Erin: And 80%...80% -
Dick: (interjects) But guys don't!
Erin: Nonono!!
Dick: Which is the point!
Erin: 90% of the guys I matched with were like, "I see what you're doing. I love it." Some guys were asking me what my marketing strategy was, and that's really smart. They were like, "Thank you so much. I have no idea what I'm doing on here."
Dick: Well, but that...but we say whatever we want, Erin.
Erin: 90%...nonono, what I'm saying -
Asterios: Or whatever it takes.
Erin: What I'm saying is -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, yeah, we say whatever it takes!
Erin: What I'm saying is, 90% of the guys got what I was doing and were okay with it and happy with it. It was the 10% that were pissed, that DIDN'T read my profile, that flagged me and got me banned.
Maddox: Right. 'Cause they're just ho-...they're just -
Dick: (interjects) I think they're trying to date you.
Maddox: They're also just trying to jerk off and look at pictures of Erin.
Dick: Sure!
Erin: Exactly. That too.
Maddox: So you were makin' a point, Erin. You said that there are a lot of couples on Tinder too. What were you gonna say about couples?
Erin: So basically, what I'm saying is that, um...and there's people...there's, like, bands trying to promote themselves. If you're just looking at the pictures, like, I get it. You're gonna swipe and match, and then at some point when you match, someone's gonna say, "Oh, I'm here for this. Oh, I'm here to promote my band." "Oh, I'm here to help you with dating advice." "Oh, I'm here to...find a third person to swing with, with my wife."
Dick: Hmm.
Asterios: Mhm.
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: So that's the thing! You gotta r-...the point is, the pictures matter first.
Asterios: Mhm.
Erin: And then after that, at some point there's some level of conversation or words you're reading from their profile, and then you're like, "Oh, this person would be great," or not, or "They're here for business."
Maddox: You know, Erin? I bet -
Asterios: (interjects) Imagine you're a fat fuck who never, EVER gets a match. (Erin chuckles)
Erin: Yes.
Dick: Yep.
Asterios: And it's been a year, you've been swipin' right so much -- I don't know if it's right or left. You've been swipin'...positive so much -
Dick: (interjects) You liar. (everyone laughs)
Asterios: God damn!! You been swipin' right so much...
Dick: Asterios has a piece of ham hooked up to an electric drill. (Maddox laughs) He just holds it over the Tinder app: "Right, right, right, right, right, right, right..."
Asterios: It works. I have to replace the ham every day. (Maddox and Erin giggling) I have a lot of ham, if anyone wants to come over for a BLT. (cracking up)
Maddox: Ladies! (sexy voice)
Erin: Oh my god! (squeaking)
Asterios: Uh, but it's like, imagine you're...look, just imagine you're some fat fuck and you finally get that thing, and it's like "Ding ding! You might get a thing!" and...
Erin: Mhm, mhm.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: Then you read it, and...you know.
Dick: Destroying hopes. Destroying hopes and dreams.
Erin: Lemme tell you, the guys who were the most pissed off were not chubby, gentlemanly guys. Those guys actually were really grateful that I was helping them
Maddox: Yeah, 'cause they need the help! (Dick giggles)
Erin: It was the freaking douchebag, ripped...like, alpha dudes...
Asterios: With the gutters. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah!
Erin: ...who were pissed because I wasn't doing what they wanted, and then they flagged me.
Maddox: You know, Asterios, I've had this experience on Tinder. I have been looking through girls, and...I have, like, a bunch of different criteria on whether or not I'll swipe right or left.
Asterios: Mhm.
Maddox: And -
Dick: (interjects) Oho, what are these criteria?
Maddox: Oh!
Erin: Ooooo!
Dick: You can't get away with saying that shit.
(talking over each other)
Maddox: Well, for example... (Erin and Asterios laugh) For example, first of all, uh -
Dick: (interjects) If she has more hair than you?
Maddox: Yeah, hahah. (sarcastic) (Dick and Sean giggle loudly) Real funny, Dick! Real fuckin' fu-
Dick: (interjects) If she's wearing video games on her shirt, is that a criteria? (giggling)
Erin: Awwww.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: What?!?
Maddox: NO, DICK! (cracks up)
Asterios: What's that "gets turned on" -
Maddox: (interjects) And that wasn't...I wasn't callin' you your name, either. (laughs with Erin)
Asterios: What's that "gets turned on by smart people" thing again?
Dick: I don't think you ever are.
Maddox: What's that?
Asterios: What's that "gets turned on by smart people" thing?
Dick: Sapiosexual.
Maddox: Oh, sapiosexual.
Erin: Sapiosexual.
Asterios: If they're a sapiosexual...
Maddox: I swipe left like a motherfucker.
Dick: Mm.
Maddox: But here's the thing: if I'm lookin' at -
Dick: (interjects) Even if she's hot?
Maddox: If I'm lookin' at girls, uh...yes.
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: Yes, 'cause that's annoying shit.
Asterios: I wouldn't.
Dick: At least you had to think about it. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: I've dated one...I've dated one, I don't wanna put up with it again.
Erin: Oh, boy.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: To principles. (Erin laughs)
Dick: Why, why? What was...what came with it?
Maddox: Oh my GOSH.
Erin: Brains.
Maddox: Lectures!
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: Every date was a three-part lecture...
Dick: Oh, that's interesting.
Maddox: ...and the three parts coincided -
Asterios: (interjects) It's like fuckin' a pep talk.
Maddox: Coinc-... (cracks up) Coincided -
Erin: (interjects) That's the foreplay! That's the foreplay.
Maddox: They coincided with appetizers, the main course, and then drinks afterwards. Every single portion of the date had a lecture.
Dick: Was a different lecture?
Maddox: Different lecture, yeah. (smiles)
Asterios: Ughhhh. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: "Oh, lemme tell you about the wage gap." (obnoxious voice) Asterios... (laughs loudly)
Asterios: Ughhh, God dammit!! (everyone else laughing) I DIDN'T EVEN SAY THERE WAS A WAGE G-...GOD DAMMIT!!!
Maddox: I know, I know. No, but here -
Asterios: (interjects) I said it spoke to a larger truth!! Alright. Let's keep goin'. (Maddox guffaws)
Maddox: Back to Erin's point.
Dick: (interjects) And YOU like doing that.
Maddox: Eh...what?
Dick: The lecturing. I feel like that's something you might do, I think. (grins)
Maddox: They asked...they ASKED me for it!
Asterios: But girls love to be lectured.
Dick: Yeah! Of course they do.
Asterios: That's the thing. They want a guy who's in control, who's smart.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Erin: We wanna be lectured? (skeptical)
Asterios: Well yeah, obviously!
Maddox: You love it, Erin. (Dick giggling)
Erin: Alpha women do not wanna be lectured.
Maddox: Oh, that's true.
Dick: Alpha what??
Maddox: An alpha woman.
Asterios: Hmmm.
Erin: Alpha women, and I am not an al-...I am an alpha woman. (Maddox cracks up) (Sean laughing loudly in the background)
Maddox: Dick just learned of a new phrase and concept in his life.
Erin: Alpha women.
Dick: Is that, like, "businesswoman"?
Erin: Kind of, yes!
Dick: I learned that one recently too. (Maddox and Asterios laugh)
Erin: There were some air quotes for the...for those of you not watching that. (laughs)
Maddox: So, uh...so Asterios, back to Erin's point.
Asterios: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: Like, I have experienced that from the male point of view, where I have matched girls on Instagra-...excuse me, on Tinder, who were just there to promote their TV show they were working on, or...
Erin: Yes.
Dick: Yeah, I hate it.
Maddox: ...or, uh, Instagram.
Dick: Or their Instagram!
Erin: But there's guys too!!
Maddox: But...but, but -
Erin: (interjects) Guys do it too!
Maddox: But the important distinction here...
Erin: Tell me.
Maddox: And this is EVERYTHING...
Erin: Yes?
Maddox: ...is that they were not up front about it, and it pissed me off when they're not!
Erin: Totally.
Maddox: Erin was, and it's their fault for being horny jerkoff losers.
Erin: BAM.
Maddox: For not even glancing at their...what if she says in her profile, like, "Hey guys, I have an STD, but I'm still interested in meeting you."
Dick: Oho. (chuckling)
Erin: Or what if I said...what if I was transgender or something?
Maddox: Yeah!
Erin: And I didn't...and I put that and someone didn't read it? It would be the same thing.
Maddox: Yeah, it's totally your fault!
Asterios: Maybe we can all agree that, like, perhaps the problem is, Tinder shouldn't be trying to monetize its platform like this. Like, if Tinder just had a...I dunno, 50 cents a month -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, wait a minute. Now I'm feeling my libertarian agenda start... (Maddox laughs loudly)
(inaudible)
Asterios: (shouts) Well look, I'm not saying pass a LAW that says they shouldn't monetize their platform! (Dick and Maddox giggling) But it's a bad user experience!
Dick: It is a bad user experience.
Asterios: Look, I don't think you're a monster.
Erin: Well, THANKS.
Asterios: I mean, a little bit. (Erin giggles) But I make -
Maddox: (interjects) You got a new nickname comin', buddy. It's "Communisterios." (laughs loudly)
Asterios: God dammit!! God DAMN you people!
Dick: Wait, so what is your...?
Asterios: Anyway. (suddenly calm)
Dick: What was your point?
Asterios: That's the...that's the point!
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: It's like, Tinder shouldn't be doing that. That's stupid.
Dick: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Asterios: Tinder shouldn't be letting "The Mindy Project" -
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, "Tinder shouldn't be doing..."? Tinder shouldn't be doing what?
Erin: Yeah, it was me.
Asterios: Well, because obvious-
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, "The Mindy Project." Talk about that.
Asterios: Well, because obviously Tinder is allowing for these premium profiles...like a show like "The Mindy Project," for example...
Erin: Ahhh.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: ...bought a bunch of profiles on Tinder to promote their show. And that's confusing to their users.
Maddox: Right.
Asterios: That's not the users' fault! It's Tinder's fault for selling that ad space.
Dick: But they...I do run ads now.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, they'll interrupt your...swiping and masturbating. (Erin cackles)
Maddox: Right.
Asterios: Because that's -
Dick: (interjects) To run a Bud Light ad.
Maddox: No, but...uh...
Asterios: That's a normal part of the Internet experience. Like yeah, you see a banner ad every now and then.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay, so "The Mindy Project" -
Erin: (interjects) I agree.
Maddox: "The Mindy Project," for those who don't know...uh, Mindy Kaling, she's from "The Office." She's Kelly Kapoor from "The Office," and she has her own show, she has her own successful book; very, very popular. Right? And for a while -
Dick: (interjects) What are you, pitching Mindy...?! (guffaws)
Maddox: No, I'm just explaining to the listeners that don't know.
Dick: Okay, okay. That's good. (grinning)
Asterios: 9/8 Central, only on Hulu. (everyone else laughs) Biggestproblem.com/mindy.
Maddox: So... (cracks up) $10 off. (Erin laughs) Uh, so "The Mindy Project," right? She had a bunch of Tinder profiles, and I matched one of 'em, because...uh, I have an interesting story. I know Mindy in real life.
Erin: Mhm.
Maddox: I've met her a bunch of times. She used to date one of my friends, and I thought, "Oh, this is kinda interesting. This is...this is fun." And, uh...and I started trying to talk to her. I'm like, "Hey Mindy, it's me!" Uh, you know. "Hey, what's up? How's it goin'? How's it been?"
Asterios: "Let's have sex!" (Maddox laughs)
Dick: "What's your dad like?" (everyone laughs)
Maddox: Dick! Uh...and, NOTHING. Of course, because it's just a stupid ad for this thing, but it didn't disclose that and it pissed me off.
Erin: Right.
Maddox: But Erin, what YOU were doing is honest and forthright.
Erin: Yes. Thank you!!
Dick: Nyeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: No problem. Let's...this is a campaign! Let's hit the Tinder CEO, get Erin unbanned.
Erin: Woooo!
Dick: I don't think tweeting the CEO is gonna help ya out, though.
Erin: Hey, well, guess what? I have a decent following, so I'm gonna do what I can.
Maddox: Yeah. Good idea.
Erin: 'Cause I'm pissed. I'm pissed.
Asterios: For everyone...I'll tell you what. Listen. I'll help you out here.
Erin: Yay!
Asterios: For everyone that goes to http://devastatorpress.com/megaman2 (everyone else laughs) and buys a copy of my Mega Man comic, I will tweet once to the CEO of Tinder! Again, that's http://devastatorpress.com/megaman2. I gotta run, guys. I'm so s-...oh, do you wanna do the ad before I split?
Dick: Uh...yeah, I wanna get my Tinder pictures graded, though.
Asterios: Oh, duh!
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Oh yeah, let's do that real quick and then we'll get to the ad.
Dick: Real quick. Okay, Erin.
Erin: Oh yes, let's see.
Dick: Tell me what you think about this. This is my Tinder profile.
Erin: I'm looking...looking...
Dick: Yeah.
Erin: Nice first picture. There's a dog involved.
Dick: Shameless! Oh yeah, me and...me and my dog.
Erin: On the main picture! That's adorable! Smiling, we can see your teeth. We know he has teeth.
Dick: Augh. So, so...
Maddox: Your dog? (skeptical)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Dick, *your* dog?
Dick: Well, I...
Erin: Oh, it's not your dog?
Dick: It's my parents' dog. (Maddox laughs) What's the...? I mean...
Asterios: Sunny lives with...Sunny lives with Dick.
Dick: It's my...it's a family dog.
Erin: The next picture is you in a Vatican...outfit. With a Vatican hat.
Dick: A p-...that's the Pope.
Erin: The Pope.
Dick: I'm dressed as The Pope.
Maddox: And Erin, I -
Erin: (interjects) Holding a baby.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Erin, I told him not to have that on there. I think that's a bad idea.
Erin: Yeah, I don't think it's good.
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: Why? Why do you think it's not good?
Erin: It's just polarizing. I don't know. And...I don't know.
Dick: Why is polarizing bad?
Erin: I guess if you're looking for a girl who really gets your humor, it's great. I don't know, I think you're just asking for a debate.
Dick: Thank you f-...I heard from that, "You're a funny guy." Thank you for saying that. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Erin, uh...Erin, I said no because if a girl or a guy sees a baby in the picture, oh man. Turn-off zone. Turn down -
Dick: I... (hesitant)
Erin: Well, that's a thing too. And this very much looks like a parody picture...
Maddox: Okay.
Erin: ...but generally speaking, holding a baby? You should say, "This is my baby," "This is my brother's baby," "This is..." You know, say whose baby it is.
Maddox: So it's not your baby?
Dick: It's just a baby I found!
Maddox: "I found this baby."
Erin: Then say that! Perfect.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay.
Erin: Okay, wait. There's another picture -
Dick: (interjects) I traded somebody some Gatorade for it. (Sean laughs in the background) (giggles)
Erin: The third picture...the third picture's the same as the first picture.
Dick: Oh, that's a glitch. (Maddox snickers) I didn't do that.
Erin: Well then, you should fix that, because I hate that crap. Wait, wait!! The...
Sean: See, your error is that your argument is predicated on honesty, and you're talking to Dick. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: The prince of lies. (laughing)
Erin: The fourth picture is same as the second. Wait, it's all the same pictures!
Dick: That's a glitch, then. I don't know.
Erin: Or is that a strategy for humor?
Dick: No, that's...that's not a strategy for humor.
Erin: Okay, well, I'm already annoyed, because you gotta get rid of all these repeat pictures.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Well, at least it's not an ad.
Erin: It's 6 pictures of 2 pictures. (Maddox and Asterios burst out laughing) Ughhhh!
Maddox: Ohhh, Dick. Dicktastic.
Erin: But no, otherwise, I did...and see, this is the thing: to your point, I didn't read your profile.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Oh, 'cause you were so uninterested in my duplicate pictures?
Erin: No, just 'cause I was, like, try-...I don't know why. I didn't, though. And so I get why some guys might not have read my profile.
Dick: Hm. Well...
Maddox: Yeah. That's... (stammers)
Erin: I'm still pissed, though! I'm still pissed.
Maddox: At least... (cracks up) At least it wasn't an ad. That's right, Dick. Uh... (laughs with Erin)
Dick: I wish that had gone better, because then I would need a new bed.
Maddox: Ah, there it is!! (giggling)
Dick: To seal this deal. Today's episode is brought to you by Casper. Go to, um... (shuffles papers)
Maddox: Speakin' of ads. (laughs with Asterios and Erin)
Dick: go to http://casper.com...go to Casper... (cracks up)
Erin: Perfect segue.
Dick: Go to http://casper.com/biggest and use promo code "BIGGEST" to get $50 toward any mattress purchased. Casper is an online retailer of PREMIUM, premium mattresses for a fraction of the price that you can get in a store. Uh, it's a mattress...the mattress industry has inherently forced consumers into paying notoriously high markups. That's absolutely true.
Asterios: Mhm!
Dick: Casper provides resilience, long-lasting support of comfort, and, uh, the mattresses are one of a kind. A combination of premium latex foam...premium latex foam...
Maddox: Thank you, NASA.
Dick: ...and memory foam. (chuckling)
Asterios: Hm!
Maddox: Vote up NASA, big solution!
Dick: So Asterios, um...
Asterios: Yeah?
Dick: You have a Casper mattress, right?
Asterios: I bought one because of the ad on this show.
Dick: Really?!
Asterios: Yeah, I used the code. I got $50 off.
Maddox: $50 off! Good deal, right?
Asterios: Yeah! And...yeah, and it was great. It showed up in 5 days. It's really, really comfortable. I moved -
Dick: (interjects) Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Asterios: So sorry.
Dick: Did you watch it come out of the box?
Asterios: Oh yeah!! I...
Dick: How was that?
Asterios: Ah, my phone was...my phone was dying! I wanted to Vine it for you guys. But yeah, it definitely comes out of the box like the Stay Puft marshmallow man growing like in Ghostbusters. (Dick laughs)
Erin: Yaaaaay.
Asterios: Like, it's just like "pfff-WOOOOOOSH!"
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: It's this awesome thing, and um...
Maddox: It's so much fun.
Dick: It's worth the price of admission.
Erin: Yeah, I wanna see it.
Asterios: Yeah, that...yeah, exactly. The UPS guy was like, "Oh, this is gonna be fun." Like, 'cause he's clearly delivered a million of these. (Dick giggles) And, um, it's...I, uh, you know. I moved to a new place, so I had it on the floor for a while, and it was really, really comfortable.
Maddox: Yeah!
Asterios: And it's comfortable on a box-spring. It's a great mattress.
Maddox: Super comfortable, good give. I like those mattresses a lot. And $50 off these mattresses, that's a really good discount. What's the code?
Dick: "BIGGEST". Promo code "BIGGEST".
Maddox: "BIGGEST", and we'll link to it on our website.
Dick: http://casper.com/biggest , promo code is "BIGGEST".
Asterios: And if you don't like it, you got 100 days to send it back.
Dick: Oh, really??
Maddox: That's really generous.
Asterios: Yes! There's a 100-day...
Erin: Ew! So much can happen in 100 days.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: So you can fuck the SHIT out of alotta prostitutes on that mattress. (Maddox and Erin laugh) (Dick cringes) And then you can just... (inaudible)
Dick: Why does...why do guests always ruin our ads? (Maddox laughs more) Every guest comes in here makes some horrible -
Asterios: (interjects) You can turn it into a goddamn jizz marshmallow. (Maddox laughs loudly) And then on day 99, go "Beep-boop-boop-bop-bop...'Hey Casper, I got a fuck pillow for ya! Come pick it up!'" (everyone else giggling) Or not. I'm not doing that. I like the mattress a lot.
Erin: Oh noooo! (squeaking)
Maddox: Ohhh. ('ding!' sound effect)
Erin: I'm sure they're lovely mattresses.
Maddox: They are. They're wonderful. Asterios, thanks for comin' by, buddy. Good to see you again.
Asterios: Sorry I gotta go.
Maddox: Yeah, that's -
Asterios: (interjects) I miss you guys. I'll be back.
Maddox: Alright. You'll be back.
Erin: Wooo!
Maddox: Excellent. Um, before we move on...I got a problem, but uh, Erin, I just...just one more thing to your point.
Erin: And then I wanna tell everyone what the Tinder CEO's Twitter is. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Oh yeah, let's hear it!
Dick: Okay. (grinning)
Maddox: Let's hear that first.
Erin: Okay, so his...um, his name is very short and easy. It's Sean Rad. And then...so it's Sean, S-E-A-N, Rad. So @seanrad. That's it.
Maddox: @seanrad, there it is!
Erin: Tinder CEO, there he is.
Maddox: We'll see. We'll -
Dick: (interjects) I think there's a lower-level guy you could target first.
Erin: Oh, no!! That's who I've been emailing, and it's all form emails.
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: We'll do it. We'll...
Erin: It's the worst.
Maddox: We'll see what the listener base of this...this, uh, this show can do. But Erin, to your point.
Erin: Yes?
Maddox: If I go to a movie, and I see...uh, if I see an ad for Cheetos or Mercedes or BMW, I'm pissed. But if I see an ad for another movie?
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: I'm okay with it, because that's related to what I'm doing.
Erin: Exactly!! (exasperated)
Maddox: So, that...I get that. That's why I think that what you're doing is okay.
Erin: You get me!
Maddox: Yeah, totally.
Erin: You get me. You totally get me.
Maddox: Guys, I have a problem.
Dick: (interjects) I would be ver-...I would report that as spam.
Erin: UGHHHH!
Dick: Sorry.
Maddox: I would report YOU as spam, Dick! (Erin laughs) Your profile's literally spam! You're spamming the same the same fuckin' picture 10 times, dickhead! (Dick laughs)
Erin: Exactly!!
Dick: It's a good picture. (Maddox and Erin laugh) That's what I...that's my line. "Hey, uh, do you think your dad could help me figure out my Tinder profile?" (cracks up) (Erin guffaws) (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Oh, my GOSH. (exasperated) Well, if you are successful on Tinder...
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And you take a girl back to lay down on your Casper mattress -- or guy, Erin.
Erin: Yes, yeah.
Maddox: If you take a girl or guy back, lay down on your Casper mattress? Don't do the following thing, because this is a problem: spooning. (Erin gasps)
Dick: Spooning?
Maddox: Spooning is now a problem!
Erin: What?!
Maddox: That's right! My problem this week, guys, is spooning victims. This is a thing now! Right?
Dick: Hmm.
Erin: Spooning *victims*?
Maddox: Yeah! How...now, you might be asking, "How the fuck in this horseshit world that we live in, where everything's already a problem, is SPOONING a problem?"
Erin: Yeah, how is it?
Dick: Yeah, that is what I'm thinking. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah!
Erin: Me too!
Maddox: Yeah, well, here comes Slate.com to the fuckin' rescue.
Erin: Oh.
Maddox: Yeah. "Against Spooning: A Manifesto." This article.
Dick: Ohh.
Maddox: It's, uh, it's written...this guy on Slate, he's complaining about spooning. He says, (switches to obnoxious voice) "If the argument against spooning..." (Erin snickers) (Sean grumbles in the background)
Dick: Oh no. (smiles)
Maddox: "...were only a physical one, I would not feel so strongly." (background laughter) "After all, many people are gluttons for punishment -- who am I to deny their strange pleasure? But there's a deeper issue here, a troubling aspect of spooning that emerges in the dimension of ideology, of what it all means." (Erin cackles) So then he goes on. Right? He's talkin' about the psychology of spooning. He says, "Big sp-... "
Dick: (interjects) What the hell?
Maddox: "Big sp-..." He goes, "Big spoons are m-..."
Dick: (interjects) What's this guy's name? (Erin laughs) Do you know it?
Maddox: Oh, I...no, I didn't write that down.
Dick: He sounds like a fuckin' idiot. Right??
Erin: Awww.
Maddox: Yeah. It's...he's one of the associate editors at Slate. He's not, like, some freelance writer they hired to write some bullshit article to get clicks. This is, like, one of their associate editors at Slate! He wrote this article.
Dick: He's the creative director, you might say.
Erin: Hmmm.
Maddox: (chuckles) Yeah, sure!
Dick: He has an influence of the creation, and whatever.
Erin: Mmm.
Maddox: Here's his argument. He says, (switches to obnoxious voice) "Big spoons are manly and will take care of you (provided you let them use you to take care of themselves)."
Dick: What??
Maddox: "Little spoons are fragile, passive creatures that need to be held and kept safe. This, of course, is fundamentally a sexist arrangement..."
Erin: What?!
Dick: Oh my GOD.
Maddox: "...one that casts the big spoon as 'the man' and the little spoon as 'the woman.' To say that this power imbalance is built into all acts of spooning -- whichever the sexes engaged -- is not, I think, an overstatement." He's saying that in every act of spooning -
Dick: (interjects) You've gotta, like, translate that out of, like, college liberal arts speak to me. (Erin laughing)4
Maddox: Yeah, here's...from college -
Dick: (interjects) Can you say that the way, like, a man would say it? (cracking up)
Erin: Yeah! (keeps laughing)
Maddox: He's saying that if you spoon someone, that it's a sexist act because there's a power imbalance. That's the f-...that's what he's saying.
Erin: Well, that's assuming that the man is the big spoon.
Maddox: Right!
Erin: I've spooned dudes before as the big spoon.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, I... (hesitant) I think it's mostly men. Doing the big spooning.
Erin: No no, but what I'm saying is, I...
Maddox: No, but it's happened! Right?
Erin: True, but yeah! I'm saying, that's...he's making a bunch of assumptions there.
Maddox: (switches back to obnoxious voice) "Indeed..."
Erin: That's all.
Dick: That's...
Maddox: "...I would argue that spooning is always already a power play..." (Erin snickers)
Dick: Power play?!
Maddox: "...a perverse strategy..." Yeah. It's not just a power play, Dick; it's a "perverse strategy by which we..." (obnoxious voice again) (Erin laughs)
Dick: Oh my God. (muttering)
Maddox: "...nightly enact the unjust relations of "big" and "little" privilege that plague our society on every level."
Erin: Wooow.
Dick: Nah, we need a purge.
Erin: He wants to be spooned. (Maddox laughs) That's what...
Maddox: Well, he...so -
Erin: (interjects) He's pissed.
Maddox: So the reason he's writin' this article is because he says he's a gay guy, and he says that -
Dick: (interjects) Ohhh, okay.
Erin: Oh! Okay.
Dick: Well, that's a big...
Erin: Yeah!
Dick: That's a big, uh, part of the story we need to know.
Maddox: But he says in -
Erin: (interjects) Yeah, but then it's two guys spooning!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah!
Erin: So why is it...??
Maddox: Who gives a shit?! No one's the big and little spoon. Like, whatever! Do whatever the fuck you want!
Erin: Yeah!!
Maddox: If you feel like a big spoon...and by the way, "spoon" -
Erin: (interjects) Two big spoons!
Maddox: It's just a fuckin' metaphor, 'cause spoons sit on top of each other like that in a dish rack. (Erin laughs) You don't have to call it "spoons"! Call it whatever...call it "C's", two C's! Who cares??
Erin: Two C's. (laughing)
Maddox: Call it a couple parentheses! (Erin and Dick laugh) (stammers) Uh, shells! Call it a shell.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Stacked a couple of shells together. Macaronis!
Dick: Okay. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Noodles! Couple o' pieces of paper! We're just papering! (Erin cackles) We're papering...couple o' scissors together in a bed! We're scissoring. (cracks up)
Dick: No, they're not scissoring.
Erin: Nooo, n-...well...
Maddox: Why not? Why? So…so he's saying…(Erin laughs) but, he's saying in every…in every act of spooning, there's a power imbalance that is sexist. That's what he's saying.
Dick: Well…yeah, okay.
Maddox: And he says, "We…we…"
Dick: It does annoy me that girls wanna be spo…like, sometimes it annoys me that they want it too much. Like, I'm like, alright…
Erin: I know what you're saying.
Dick: I don't really want to get…I don't really wanna choke on your fucking hair and have my arm fall asleep…
Maddox: Yeah. (Erin squeals)
Dick: For an hour and a half. So, can you just, like, not keep trying to grind your ass into my crotch?
Maddox: Oh, that sounds terrible. (sarcasm)
Erin: Oh, it's so annoying when girls grind their butt into your penis. (sarcastic)
Dick: When they wanna go to sleep. I'm, like…(stammers) alright. I'm hot. I wanna just lay here. Leave me the fuck alone. Right?
Maddox: D…did you write this article? 'Cause these are all the points he's making in this article. (Erin laughs) He says it's too hot. "My arm falls asleep." (goofy voice)
Dick: Really?!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Maybe I did write this article. (Maddox and Erin crack up)
Maddox: You shifty fuck!
Dick: I don't know. I get pretty drunk!! (Erin laughs, sighs)
Sean: Is this just his way of getting out of it?
Erin: Yes!!! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: He sent this to….sometimes I do that.
Erin: I think so.
Dick: I bring in a problem on the podcast so people around me will listen to it and go, like, "Oh, shit. He's talking about me. I'll stop doing it." (Maddox giggles) Maybe he forwarded this to his boyfriend, or whatever.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure he HAD to. His boyfriend's not subscribed, or the other associate editor, or whatever the FUCK they're doing over at Slate! (Erin giggles)
Dick: Erin, you know what I'm…when a girl tries to, like, trick you into it?
Erin: Whaaaaaaat?!
Dick: When she's like kind of nuzzling up…
Erin: Scooches over?
Dick: Yeah. That's, like, "Oh, alright, you want some attention?"
Erin: Yeah.
Dick: But it's like, "Oh, no. You just want me to wrap my big muscular arms around you."
Maddox: Oh. (pretend disgusted)
Dick: "So you can fall asleep."
Erin: Yes, but guys…
Dick: I see this coming!!!
Erin: Guys have done that to me too, 'cause I'm somebody who needs some space when I'm sleeping, 'cause I get hot.
Dick: Mhmm.
Erin: I'm very…I very much…I relate to you guys.
Maddox: You are hot, Erin.
Erin: I relate to you. Thank you, but…like…
Dick: Now you got it.
Erin: Meaning…thank you. And I sweat a lot.
Dick: Okay, n…(Maddox cracks up)
Erin: So, like…
Dick: (makes braking sound) Hold the brakes! You got a brake sound effect on there?!
Erin: No, no! No, but what I'm saying…(yells)
Sean: She went from supermodel to Swamp Thing. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Erin: I did! I did…that's true. But what I'm saying is…when a dude wants to cuddle me, or spoon me, I'm like "Dude, get off, I'm hot and sweating."
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Erin: I get what you're saying!! I'm the girl version of this.
Maddox: Right. No, I've seen in on both ends.
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: I've had girls who, like…who sweat a lot, because, you know…I'm a steamy dude. (Erin giggles) And they're around me, and they're nervous, you know? They start sweating bullets.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And…(Erin cackles) and they tell me, "You know, not right now, I'm too sweaty." And I'm like, "Well, baby, go towel off and come back to bed without any clothes." (Erin cackles) Or a towel.
Erin: But…but, yeah. I would never get upset with a guy for wanting to spoon me. It's sweet.
Maddox: Yeah. Whatever.
Dick: I would be very upset if a guy wanted to spoon me. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: You guys, we're talking…
Erin: Would you!? Really? (they laugh) It's man-love.
Maddox: Well, the way Asterios woke up yesterday, we don't know. With a blanket on him.
Erin: Oh, what…oh.
Maddox: Tenderly laid on top of him…(giggles)
Erin: Awwww.
Dick: I used a selfie stick to pick up the blanket. (Maddox and Erin laugh)
Maddox: Fair enough. So…so he goes on. So he's complaining about (goofy voice) "big and little privilege that plague our society on every level."
(Sound effect: Baby wailing)
Dick: Oh, my…oh, that's a sound effect. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: He says, "We can do better than this. What we need is conscious cuddling." This is what he's suggesting. This is his solution!! (goofy voice) What we need…(Erin snorts) is conscious cuddling. Cuddling that takes into account the realities of our bodies."
Dick: Oh, my god. (incredulous)
Erin: What?!
Maddox: (goofy voice) So easily taxed, and the pressures of fallen social systems that…(tries not to laugh) unnecessarily sorts us into limiting categories of big and little. (Erin groans) Luckily, there's a solution at the ready. It's called "cuddle sitting up"."
Erin: No, no!!!!
Dick: Sorry? What is that?
Maddox: Vertical cuddling.
Erin: Oh, God.
Maddox: It says…
Dick: Isn't that called a hug? (grins) (they laugh)
Maddox: This fucking crybaby whiner…
(Sound effect: Baby wailing) (Oh my god, this sound is fucking horrible, spare my ears - LF)
Maddox: Crybaby bitch. He says, (goofy voice) Vertical cuddling removes much of the risk of physical discomfort…(Dick starts laughing) and all of the semiotic violence that spooning conveys!!
Erin: Violence?!
Maddox: Semiotic violence!!!
Erin: That's ridiculous.
Dick: What's semiotic?
Sean: This sounds like the ramblings of an insane person. It…
Dick: Yeah, it really does.
Sean: Have you ever heard the expression, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: He's reading all kinds of unbelievable…
Dick: Crazy stuff.
Sean: Insane shit into this.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Semiotic violence, Sean.
Erin: Wow.
Dick: What's semiotic?
Maddox: Semi…I had to look it up, too. I'm like, what the fuck is semiotic violence? Semiotic means symbolic.
Dick: Like semiautomatic?
Maddox: No. It means symbolic. So if you…if you do this…
Erin: No.
Maddox: It is symbolically violent towards your partner!!
Erin: What?!?!
Maddox: Because you are…you are instigating…you are instigating your big supremacy. Your big privilege over a small person.
Erin: Oh, geez. (sighs)
Dick: Oh, no, no, no. (sighs)
Sean: You ever have a small person spoon you?
Erin: That's what I'm saying!!!
Sean: No! She's like a jet pack!!! (Erin and Dick laugh) (Erin claps)
Maddox: It's happened. You know what, Sean? It happened. I dated a girl for a while where she would…(giggles) she would try to spoon me from behind and she would curl up. And I was in this hotel one time…
Dick: Was it a monkey? Are you sure it was a girl? (they laugh)
Maddox: It was a girl.
Sean: Their feet only go down to, like, just past your knees.
Maddox: Oh, it's hilarious. (Erin sighs loudly) I was in a hotel one time, in Hawaii, and there was mirrors on the ceiling. I'm like, "Oh, this is…"
Erin: Oh, sexy.
Maddox: This is raunchy. Like, yeah. This is sexy. What's going on here? So…so she came up behind me and cuddled me.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And…and uh, like on my back. And then said, "Hey, look up". And I looked up, and she said, "I'm a papoose".
Erin: What. (squeals)
Maddox: I'm like, (giggles) "What are you talking about?" And she goes, "Papoose, you know." And I looked it up on Google. It's…it's basically, like, one of those satchels that Native Americans carry their babies on?
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: On their back?! (laughing) It was totally ridiculous!!
Erin: I love it!!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: It happened, but…
Erin: I think it's cute.
Maddox: Yeah, whatever. Who gives a shit?! It wasn't semiotic violence!!! (Erin laughs) I didn't feel violated! I didn't feel like she was instigating her privilege over me!!!
Erin: Hello. Exactly. Ridiculous!
Maddox: This is stupid shit! Stupid shit! People are looking…they finally found a fucking way to get outraged over spooning!!
Erin:
It's ridiculous.
Sean: Well, this guy's really extrapolating out to an insane level.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: It's…yeah.
Erin: It's true.
Sean: He's…he's not well.
Dick: How was this received? Like, where did you find this? I've never heard of such a thing.
Erin: Wait, but he's Slate.
Maddox: Slate.
Erin: Slate. Right?
Maddox: http://www.slate.com .
Erin: So maybe he's just trying to write something that's gonna be controversial.
Maddox: I thought that, Erin, but this is one of the editors.
Dick: Outrage porn.
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: I thought it was…I thought it was just another case of outrage porn, because sometimes they'll hire these fly-by-night…
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: Writers. Freelance writers. Whatever.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: "Hey, bust out 300 words on whatever the fuck. Just get us clicks."
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: This isn't one of those cases, 'cause he's one of the associates editors at slate.com.
Erin: Yeah, but that's…he has even more power and knows that maybe their viewership is down or something, and is like, (goofy voice) "Oh my God, I'm gonna be, like, I'm gonna write something really ridiculous."
Dick: It is bizarre to imagine this man functioning in the world. (Erin giggles) Out there on his own, having these arguments with people.
Erin: Yeah. If spooning's an issue, then oh, my gosh.
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Erin: Like, global warming? I mean…(giggles)
Maddox: This guy is just…he's just a really brave…
Sean: Yeah. Red cars…red cars are offensive to Native Americans all of a sudden.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Is that true?
Sean: No! In this guy's world.
Maddox: In this guy's world!
Dick: I don't know any…I don't even know anymore, man!
Maddox: I don't even know anymore, either.
Dick: People say that something's offensive. You could tell me ANYTHING that someone either believes or thinks is offensive and I would just believe it.
Erin: Yeah.
Dick: Like, they could say toilet paper is racist, (Erin giggles) because it's white.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'd be like, "Yeah, I dunno. Maybe I read that."
Maddox: Well, Dick, did you…
Dick: On the Huffington Post, or something. I don't know!
Maddox: (goofy voice) Did you…did you know that all toilet paper was originally black or brown, and they dye it white because…(Erin giggles) because the colonials, blablablabla." SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And stop finding a reason to be offended by everything!!!
Erin: I know, it's true.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh.
Erin: We're very, very sensitive in our culture.
Maddox: Anyway. That's…that's my problem. Spooning! They found a way to make spooning victimize people.
Erin: That's just sad.
Maddox: They found a way to be victimized by fucking spooning. Don't fucking do it, idiot!! And he's saying vertical cuddling is the solution.
Dick: Well…well, yeah. Why is that?
Erin: Ridiculous.
Dick: Did he define that?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause I do wanna get…I do want my arm not to fall asleep and not to eat so much hair. (Maddox groans)
Maddox: It's so stupid. (Erin laughs)
Erin: Legitimate. It's legitimate.
Maddox: First of all, just…you just brush it out of the way, or you blow it. I love blowing it back in their head. (Erin giggles) I just (blows) (blows) (blows)
Erin: What if she has curls?!
Maddox: (stammers) Yeah, I've….
Erin: You can't blow curls! They're too dense.
Maddox: Yeah, but then you stick your finger in and you curl it up and put it over to the side. (Erin cracks up) So it's like kind of dinking off to the side! It's funny.
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: I love it! And also, you can, like, lick your finger, make it really…get some spit on there, and then you curl it up around your finger, move it off to the side, and it sticks there like mousse.
Erin: No…(groans)
Dick: So…(Maddox laughs) for everyone over…over 8…listening to this podcast, what should we do?
Erin: I love it. (laughing)
Maddox: I have no advice for you.
Erin: Just enjoy the…enjoy the spooning, everybody.
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: I'm all about the love as a dating expert. Enjoy the spooning.
Maddox: Enjoy the spooning.
Dick: What kind of advice would you give this, um…crazy lunatic?
Erin: Find…
Dick: For dating advice.
Erin: Be the little spoon, perhaps.
Dick: Oh, well…
Erin: Embrace…embrace the other side of spooning.
Maddox: Yeah, you…
Dick: Okay. That's my next question. How do you trick girls into being the big spoon, then?
Maddox: Why would you want that?
Erin: Just turn over.
Dick: Well, I don't know. She's saying…
Erin: Turn over! Shift side…like, turn…
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: So then you're on the opposite side.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: You can spoon whatever way you want. Or not spoon. And vertical spooning, he defines as sitting up…sitting on your butt.
Erin: I think you're right. Hugging. (Maddox belches)
Dick: Because then you gotta ass fight. If you…if you turn over…if she's turning over, you gotta…
Erin: No, you bring her with…
Dick: You got a Cold War. You got a stalemate.
Erin: Bring her with you when you turn.
Maddox: See, my…my ass is always cold. (Erin giggles) And sometimes when we do the reverse spoon? Where it's, like, butt to…like, cheek to cheek?
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: I…if a girl has a nice ass, I love it more than anything.
Erin: Yeah!
Maddox: Cause it feels like you're sitting on…on two globes of flesh. And it's just…(Erin giggles) it's warm. And it feels good. It's like Christm…it's like coming in from…
Sean: (interjects) Sounds like a serial killer. (they all laugh)
Dick: Yup.
Maddox: Shut up, Sean! (Erin squeals)
Dick: Yup, like usual.
Maddox: It's like coming…it's like coming in from the snow, right? On a cold winter day…
Erin: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: When you just had a snowball fight.
Erin: Imagery. Imagery.
Maddox: You're cold everywhere.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: And your butt is numb from coldness, which, my butt always is.
Erin: Oh. Oh.
Maddox: Feel. Dick, feel my butt right now.
Dick: Your butt is numb from coldness all the time?
Maddox: Cold. It's always cold! And it's numb, yeah. (Erin squeals) So…so when I press it up against a woman's bum…(Dick giggles) It feels great.
Dick: I'm sorry. (scoffs)
Erin: Bum against bum.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Bum against bum. It's a bum-off.
Erin: I like it.
Maddox: And then regular spooning, almost always leads to sex. 'Cause you get a boner.
Erin: No, no. That's what I'm saying, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: Right? Smart.
Erin: So lady in back. Lady in back. To switch it up. That's what I would say for this guy. Or guy…little guy in back. If he's gay.
Maddox: Yeah. Ohh, but…but..(stammers) Erin, now you're…now you're imposing size privilege.
Erin: I KNOW!!!
Maddox: In a word with semiotic violence done against people who spoon with each other. (goofy voice)
Erin: I know. There's no answer. There's no answer.
Maddox: Fucking asshole!
Dick: It's also sexist to assume that he's dating a guy just because he's gay.
Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.
Dick: You know? We don't know…(Maddox giggles)
Maddox: He could be…(chuckles)
Dick: He could be dating a woman.
Maddox: Wait, what does that even mean? How?
Erin: He's in the closet!
Dick: I…I don't know! That's what I…
Erin: If he's in the closet!
Dick: That's my mind now, the world we're in! Like, that's what I think…
Erin: We don't know. Exactly.
Dick: We don't know. You don't know.
Erin: We don't know. We don't know.
Maddox: Yeah…yeah. He may…he may not be gay normative, Erin. (she giggles) He actually may be gay fluid…gay…not binary.
Erin: No, no, but it's true! I don't wanna make assumptions, 'cause there are so many categories now.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Dick…Dick…let's get to…let's get to your problem.
Dick: Okay. I think I'm gonna take this one. Pretty handily. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay, let's hear it. (Erin squeals)
Dick: By the way.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: I want you guys, since we're doing so much grading tonight.
Erin: Mhmm.
Dick: I want you to grade how stupid and bad my haircut looks.
Maddox: I was about to say something when you walked in!! (laughs)
Dick: On a scale…on a scale of "Yes, it looks like shit." (Maddox laughs)
Erin: Ooh, I'm excited. Let's see this.
Dick: I mean…(stammers) it's embarrassing.
Maddox: I was gonna say something. I'm like…
Dick: It's embarrassing.
Maddox: What did you do? Just chop off your sideburns? What the fuck happened to your face?
Dick: Let's go. Let's go. Get it all out. (Maddox cackles) I had to explain this haircut to my parents. Go ahead, Sean.
Sean: Looks like somebody hit golf balls over each ear. (Maddox cracks up)
Erin: Awww.
Dick: Very good. Very good. Erin, do you have one as well?
Sean: Like, divots.
Dick: We can come back to you.
Erin: I know. I don't. I don't.
Dick: These idiots can probably keep going. (Maddox laughs)
Erin: I don't have…I don't have one.
Maddox: What's his name from Pulp Fiction?
Erin: Oh.
Dick: Ving Rhames?
Maddox: No, no…the…(Erin cracks up) the white…(laughs)
Dick: I do look like Ving Rhames, I think.
Maddox: The guy with his head…(Erin sighs loudly, laughs) No, no. The lead. The lead.
Erin: John Travolta?
Dick: John Travolta?
Maddox: John Travolta, yeah. You look like a Mexican John Travolta. (cracks up)
Dick: Great. Okay. Okay. (Erin squeals) Any more? Sean? You wanna repeat the same joke? (they laugh)
Maddox: The golf one was great! (Erin sighs) I have seen more of your h…your face than I've ever seen before. What…so, I didn't say…
Dick: Yeah. Science found a way to enlarge faces. (Maddox cracks up)
Erin: Ohhhhhh, my…
Maddox: I didn't say anything when you walked in, 'cause, like, you weren't here last week, and then…(stammers) I…I was like well, is this is a new thing? I dunno what's going on. What happened?
Dick: Yeah, I took so many steroids that my face grew. (Maddox and Sean crack up) I…I described this hair…I described this fucking haircut to my family over the phone. 'Cause they're not…they're out of state.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And these motherfu…just back and forth. Um…my dad goes, "Oh, so what is that…like a, that sounds like a mullet." I'm like "No, it's not a fucking mullet." And my sister goes, "No, no, it's more like Miley Cyrus." I'm like, "Yeah."
Maddox: Oh, boy. (Erin giggles)
Dick: Keep…let's go. Everybody get it out of your fucking system. Bad haircuts are a huge problem.
Maddox: Huh.
Erin: They are, actually.
Dick: I went to the…I went to the barber. And…sat down. And might as well have just said, "Can you just make me ugly?" (Maddox and Erin giggle) Like, can you just fuck up my…
Erin: Awwww.
Dick: All I wanted was a trim. All I wanted was a fucking trim.
Erin: They love cutting! They love cutting.
Dick: Oh, they love cutting…
Erin: They love it!
Dick: They don't measure…measure never. Cut once.
Erin: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Done. (Maddox laughs) That's a barber's philosophy.
Erin: Yes.
Dick: In my mind. I've had long hair for so long that I'd forgotten the terror of sitting down in a barber's seat.
Erin: I hate it. I cut my own hair.
Sean: He didn't do that with scissors, did he?
Dick: First of all, she.
Maddox: She. (groans)
Dick: She did it with a razor. I said, "Hey, just trim up…trim up the back, trim up the sides", um, you know, pretend like you've seen a human before. (they giggle) And you know what a human being's head looks like. So she grabs the razor and goes, "Uh, like this?" NYAAAOW. (Maddox laughs)
Erin: Awwwww.
Dick: On the side? And I'm like "Well, the answer's yes now!!"
Maddox: I guess!!
Dick: You fucking jerk!! (laughs)
Maddox: Did she…did she offer you a choice of blades or something? Like…
Dick: Look, I don't…they always do that and I don't fucking know! I'm like…I don't…I don't know all your terms! Do I go to the mechanic…(Maddox laughs) and they're like "Oh, do you want…do you want, like, a stiff johnson rod, or like a reverse floppy one?" I'm like, "You're the mechanic!!! You're the fucking barber! You got some kind of certificate hanging on the FUCKING wall here!!" (yelling)
Erin: He's so pissed.
Dick: Next to your barber sign!!
Erin: He's so pissed. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I'm so pissed because it's all…(Erin cackles, squeals) I hate the experience! It makes me feel so powerless. (Maddox chuckles) And I KNOW they're gonna fuck it up every time!
Maddox: You feel like the little spoon!! (cracks up)
Erin: Awwwwww.
Dick: I feel JUST like the little spoon! It's so SEXIST!! These fucking barbers!! (Maddox still laughing, Erin claps) And I know they're…I know she's just sitting there, pretending she's chopping off my penis with every cut of the clippers.
Maddox: Yeeeeeeeah.
Erin: Why do you go to her? Repeatedly?
Maddox: Who is it? Who is it? Is it…was it one of those, like chains? Or was it an actual barbershop?
Dick: It's um…no. It's Floyd's…you know.
Maddox: Oh..
Erin: Ahhhhh.
Dick: It's part strip club…part…
Maddox: I've been to Floyd's! Floyd's is great!!! (Erin laughs)
Dick: They're very flirty there.
Maddox: They are.
Dick: They're overly flirty.
Maddox: Oh my…I…this is a true story. (Erin sighs) I went to Floyd's for a while. And I was dating someone at the time. I went to Floyd's and I…I came home. I was like, "Uh, I think my barber was hitting on me."
Erin: Oh.
Maddox: She goes…"Ugh. You think every girl's hitting on you." I'm like, "Well, she was."
Dick: It's true. You're both right.
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, that's true.
Dick: You can both be right. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: So she's like…she's like "She wasn't hitting on you." I'm like, "She was." And then I went back to her again, 'cause she gave…the best haircuts.
Erin: Mmm.
Maddox: Oh, my…she spent so much time on my head. And she…she, like, hit on me again.
Erin: Oh!
Maddox: And I came home, and I'm like…
Sean: (interjects) How long could she have spent?!
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Oh, seriously Sean?! (Dick cracks up)
Erin: Awwwww.
Maddox: She…(stammers) shut your fucking mouth, Sean!! (Erin and Dick crack up) Hurry your shit!!
Dick: Yeah, why are you going to get a haircut? Why don't you just start writing another book, and it'll all just fall out?
Maddox: Well, that's the thing.
Erin: Ohhhhhh. (sad)
Maddox: I don't have much hair, dickhead! (Dick laughs) (Erin giggles) I don't have much hair, but she still spent a long time, so what does that tell you, right? So she's hitting on me…
Sean: That she was trying to find it.
Erin: It shows interest. (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: You know what? Shut your fucking…get the fuck out!!!! Delete…delete everything! (Erin sighs loudly) Delete yourself from Earth, asshole!!!! (Dick cracks up) Fucking dick!!
Erin: Ohhhhhhhhhhh, yes.
Maddox: So, anyway. She's spending a lot of time…
Dick: Got it. Got it!! We found the hair! Snip, done.
Erin: Awwwwwwww. (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: You guys are real…fucking funny with these jokes.
(Sound effect: 'Ba-dum ching' cymbals)
Dick: So this woman's hitting on you…
Maddox: This woman's hitting on me.
Dick: You're so great. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, I AM great! (Dick laughs) So she's hitting on me, yeah.
Erin: He is great.
Maddox: Thank you, Erin.
Erin: You're welcome.
Maddox: I got a real friend, finally.
Erin: It's true.
Maddox: One friend. (Dick giggles) My first real friend.
Erin: Friends forever.
Maddox: First friend. You're my first friend.
Dick: Yeah.
Erin: Yayyy!
Maddox: So…so…(giggles) so this woman's hitting on me, right?
Dick: Are you gonna write the CEO of Twitter for your new friend? Er....of Tinder, for your new friend? (giggles)
Maddox: No. Floyd's.
Dick: Oh, go ahead. (laughing)
Maddox: I 'm gonna write the CEO of Floyd's. N…anyway. So…(Erin giggles) So this woman, right?
Erin: Yes. Flirty. Flirty.
Maddox: So she's…she's flirting. And…and here's how. Like, I swear to God, at one point, she's…she's clipping my hair, and stuff. And she gets around the front, and kinda, like, straddles me, almost.
Erin: What?!! (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah. Almost like stra….
Erin: Wow!!
Maddox: And I'm like, "Oh this is…she just must be trying to get my bangs, or whatever." (Erin laughs and squeals)
Dick: What do you think bangs are? (Erin squeals)
Maddox: Okay, shut up. (Erin laughs) She's just getting the front of my head!
Dick: The stuff hanging out of your ears?!
Erin: Awwwwwwww.
Maddox: Whatever the fuck…the what…(stammers) wherever bangs would be, she's in the front area! Okay, dickhead?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: She's there.
Erin: The forehead area.
Maddox: The forehead area. She's in my forehead. Alright. (Erin cackles)
Dick: Fivehead, I would call that. (background laughter)
Maddox: Shut the fuck…shut the fuck up!
Erin: I wanna hear the story!!!
Maddox: You asshole. (Dick laughs) (Erin cackles and squeals) Just yuks, yuks, yuks!! Lots of jokes!! (giggles) The funniest fucking…
Erin: Tell us. Tell us the story.
Maddox: I don't know if I want to!
Dick: So this woman straddled you obscenely.
Maddox: I was about to get to the hot…I was about to get to the hot part, and I don't know if I wanna tell you anymore. (Dick laughs)
Erin: I wanna hear it! (whines)
Maddox: You wanna hear the hot part?
Erin: Yes, please tell me.
Maddox: Erin, as my only friend, I'm gonna tell you.
Erin: Yes. Yes! Please tell me. Please.
Maddox: Okay. So she's…she's…on my forehead area with the bangs, you know. (Erin laughs) (Maddox cracks up) And then she…she grazes my face with her boobs.
Erin: Oh, crap!
Maddox: And I'm like…"uh…"
Erin: Wow.
Maddox: This..and but…she was wearing…
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How does that work logistically?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: She's cutting your bangs and she gets her boobs in your face?! (Erin cackles)
Maddox: She got my boo…she got her boobs in my face!
Sean: Was this a T-rex? (they all laugh) Her arms must have been really short.
Dick: This doesn't add up, buddy. Maybe on one of your 3D models, it does. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: No, no, no. So she…she was in front of me, and then she kind of…(stammers) she told me to turn my head, and I did, and it kinda like…it kinda grazed her boobs.
Erin: Wait, you turned your head.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Well, she then moved off to the side. She told me to turn my head. I…it grazed her boobs.
Erin: Okay.
Maddox: And then I thought, "Well, she's wearing one of those, like, barber aprons, so it could've just been apron." Right?
Erin: Either way, there's contact, right?
Maddox: Maybe…yeah. There was contact. I totally felt it.
Dick: Well. With an apron or a boob. (giggles)
Erin: Exactly.
Maddox: Well, so then I came home, and I…I told my girlfriend at the time.
Dick: Big mistake.
Erin: Mmmmmmm.
Maddox: (laughs) Well.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Whatever. I don't give a shit! (they talk over each other)
Dick: What would you say as a dating advice expert?
Erin: Yeah, I would say there's no need to say that to your girlfriend.
Dick: Why? Wh….
Erin: Because it's gonna cause unnecessary drama, perhaps. Or jealousy.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: No!!
Dick: Bragging about getting a boob rubbed on you.
Erin: Like, just enjoy it in your head!!! Like, oh, that was nice, I got a boob graze!
Maddox: Because she never believed me anyway, so what the fuck difference does it make?! (Erin laughs) I was like, "Well, this happened. I'm just letting you know.
Dick: Oh. (laughs)
Maddox: And then…and then. A month later.
Erin: Mmm.
Maddox: It was, like, around Christmastime.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: I get a message from my barber…(Erin gasps) on Facebook.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Saying, "Hey…hey Maddox, I think you're really cute."
Erin: Oh. (gasps) Seriously!?
Maddox: Uh-huh. And I was like…she was like.."Oh, I think we should go out sometime, maybe get some drinks", or whatever.
Erin: Oh. Mhmm.
Maddox: "And I think you're really interesting", blablabla, just, like, GUSHING.
Erin: Okay!!! (excited)
Maddox: And…and I called my girlfriend into the room, I'm like, "Hey! Look!! Look!!!" (Erin laughs)
Dick: Mistake number two!!
Maddox: I told you!!
Erin: I know! Why?! Why!?
Maddox: I fucking told you!! 'Cause I was like…I'm a very open guy, Erin. Like…if this shit happens…
Erin: Yes.
Sean: (interjects) I love that he just wanted to be right.
Dick: Yeah! (Erin giggles) He just wanted to be right.
Maddox: I…and I was. I was!! (Erin giggles) I was right! Right, right, right. Me, me, me. And she was hot as shit! And that happened. My barber at Floyd's hit on me!!
Erin: There you go!
Maddox: And you got a shitty haircut.
Dick: Well, mine fucked up my hair. (Erin and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: No boob graze for you!
Dick: So let me describe…
Erin: (interjects) No boob graze.
Dick: So…because…people listening can't see. It's basically where all the long…the long hair stops being long at some point and your hair kinda gets, like, pube-y, right? (Erin giggles) On your sideburns, you know?
Erin: Right.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's like, it turns into face hair?
Erin: Yes.
Dick: And that hair doesn't get long.
Erin: Right.
Maddox: Like Tina Turner from Mad Max, like, Beyond Thunderdome.
Erin: Oh, yes.
Dick: Okay. Fuck you!!! (Maddox cracks up)
Erin: But that's what…no, hipsters are doing that, now! They're all doing the side graze. That's why she did it! (Dick sighs, exasperated) She wants you to be hip!
Dick: Well, she just shaved all of that little hair.
Erin: How?
Dick: Like, with a razor. Just "nyyyyyyyyyowww", all the way around. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So it looks like a…it looks like a bowl cut…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But I have very long hair. And I know the look you're talking about.
Erin: Yeah.
Dick: Like, the Hilter youth look.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Erin: Yeah!
Dick: Where it's long on the top and…
Erin: Yes.
Dick: But it doesn't go up high enough for that.
Maddox: It's not that.
Erin: Ohhhhhhh.
Dick: Like, it goes…it only goes midway, so I look like Slingblade…I look like a mix of Weird Al and Slingblade now. (Maddox chuckles) Right?
Erin: But did you tip her?
Dick: Of course.
Erin: Noooooo!!! Why!?
Dick: Of course.
Maddox: What a gentleman.
Dick: Because that's the culture we're in. You have…
Erin: (interjects) But you weren't happy with the service!
Dick: Yeah, but I…I also did…(stammers) I didn't really care. Like, just do whatever you want.
Maddox: Well… (Erin groans)
Dick: I'm not…I don't…I don't wanna deal with this.
Erin: Yes.
Dick: I'm just tipping and getting outta here. (Erin groans)
Sean: You only paid 78% of the bill, anyway, right? (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, that's true. She was a woman. She was a woman.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. Thank God.
Erin: Ohh, see?! See?!
Dick: Thank God.
Maddox: So he tipped…he tipped just to make it, like, the even amount that a man would earn. That's what that was.
Erin: So nice.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin: So nice of him.
Maddox: Very…very considerate of Dick. (Erin giggles)
Dick: Bad Haircuts. Everybody's gotta deal with 'em.
Erin: It's true. You are right.
Dick: They're terrifying.
Maddox: Dick…y…
Dick: (interjects) And no matter how…no matter how cool you are. (Erin giggles) No matter how…hot your Tinder profile is…
Erin: Mhmmmmmm.
Dick: No matter how many Trump hats that you have, signed by Donald Trump.
Erin: What?!
Dick: No matter how expensive your watch is…
Maddox: He…he does. Yeah.
Dick: Or how funny you are…being right now.
Erin: Are these just all things that you have or do?
Dick: No matter how much of a great lover you are…
Maddox: Yes. Yes. (Erin giggles) He's not. He's not.
Dick: Having a shitty haircut. Having a bad haircut negates ALL of it.
Erin: Yeah.
Dick: So you just look like a weird psychopath.
Erin: Until it grows out!
Dick: (scoffs) Until it…until that magical three-day period…
Erin: True.
Dick: Where it's grown out and not then too long again. (Erin cackles)
Maddox: You…you look like Flock of Seagulls. (they all crack up)
Dick: I really am upset by it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: All…all psychopaths have weird hair, right?
Maddox: I didn't wanna say anything.
Erin: That's true. That is the truth.
Dick: All psychopaths had weird hair.
Maddox: Yeah. That's true.
Erin: Murderers.
Dick: If you're putting a psychopath in a movie…
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Erin: Yes.
Dick: You say, "Weird that guy's hair up."
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: "Give him a fucking weird haircut."
Erin: That's true.
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: That's what…and that's what you think.
Erin: (interjects) Javier Bordem. What was that movie?
Dick: No Country for Old Men.
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: No Country for Old Men.
Erin: Crazy haircut. Crazy haircut.
Dick: This is a weirder haircut than he had, I feel like right now.
Erin: Oh, my gosh. Oh my gosh. Awww.
Maddox: You look like a truck driver.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You look like a…
Erin: Awwww.
Maddox: You look like a truck driver.
Dick: Funny. (Erin giggles)
Erin: It'll grow out!
Maddox: You look like Larg…you look like Large Marge.
Dick: Large Marge? (Maddox laughs)
Erin: Oh, yay! I love that movie!!! So good.
Maddox: Ohhhh, man.
Erin: SO good.
Maddox: No, I'm…I'm sorry, buddy. Look. You and I have a friend…
Dick: I mean, don't be SORRY.
Maddox: No, I'm…I…I just feel…I feel like I should apologize…(goofy voice) because of the semiotic violence that the barber inflicted on your head…(Erin squeals) and the injustice of the world and the shears, and blablablabla!! Shut up!!! But, um…you and I have a friend. And…he…
Dick: Surprising, right?
Erin: I know, wow. (Maddox giggles) Oh my gosh.
Maddox: Uh, well…
Erin: Besides me!? Come on!!!
Maddox: Besides you. But…Erin, you're my only friend. But, uh…Dick and I have a mutual friend.
Erin: Mmm.
Maddox: Between us.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: Uh, we share him.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: And…(giggles) he gets the worst haircuts. And I told him one time, like, dude…
Erin: Ohhh.
Dick: (interjects) Who is it? Give me some hints.
Maddox: You look…ummm. (giggles)
Dick: Is he a tall guy, is he a short guy?
Maddox: He's a tall guy.
Dick: Tall guy. Okay.
Maddox: Super nice guy.
Dick: Does he have a kid?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did he just have a kid? (grins)
Maddox: He just had a kid. (giggles) Yeah.
Erin: Ohhhhhhhhh.
Dick: Yes, he does. You are right.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: He gets these haircuts where, like, you get…there's like that level where it turns into your head hair, and then he just goes, like, "keep going."
Erin: Awww. (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Keep on going.
Erin: Noooo!
Dick: Keep going. Yeah.
Maddox: So I told him one time. I'm like, dude, "What the fuck…what are you doing with your head?"
Erin: Ohoho! (laughs)
Maddox: What is…what is…what's going on here?! And he goes, "Oh what? I just get the cheapest haircut." I'm like, "I know. Everyone knows."
Erin: Ohhh.
Maddox: Everyone knows.
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: And I…(stammers) I said, "Go to Floyd's.."
Dick: (interjects) He negotiates 'em down. He's like…"If you take half the time, can I cut the bill in half?" (Erin giggles) They're like, "Yeah, but it'll look like shit." "Perfect." (Erin and Maddox laughs)
Erin: Perfect!
Maddox: He looks like…he's…he's a grown-ass man, he's like 36 years old.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: And he…
Dick: He's a dad!
Maddox: He's a dad.
Dick: Beautiful new baby boy.
Erin: Awww.
Maddox: Yeah. And he…he gets these haircuts that make him look like an eight-year-old boy.
Erin: Oh no!!
Maddox: And it is…(giggles) It is so bad!
Dick: It's so…it's so emasculating to have a bad haircut!
Maddox: Yeah. I told him to go to Floyd's, this place where I got the haircut. And I told him, "Look. You're not gonna get a good haircut 100% of the time."
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: "But it's a higher percentage of the time than any other place I've gone to." And once you find that good barber…
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: There were two at Floyd's.
Erin: Mmm.
Maddox: The girl who was flirting with me, and this gay guy, who just fucking…he did magic on my hair!
Erin: I love it.
Maddox: He spent 15 minutes, not the girl who was flirting with me, 35 minutes, 45 minutes with her.
Dick: Magic literally? Like, looking at it like a crystal ball?
Maddox: Oh, shut the fuck up! (they laugh) I'm so tired of this shit!! (Erin giggles and sighs) I've got plenty of hair!!! It's all over my neck and back! (they laugh again)
Erin: And face.
Maddox: And face. Thank you, Erin!
Erin: Yes.
Dick: Ugh.
Maddox: My one true friend!
Dick: And arms.
Erin: Very manly facial hair.
Maddox: Yeah! Real manly, DICK. (Erin giggles)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Take notes. Your face is…(cracks up) (stammers) this is the smoothest I've ever seen it! You look like a baby!
Dick: Yeah. Well…
Maddox: Anyway, man.
Dick: I shaved.
Maddox: So I told this guy…I told him to…
Dick: (interjects) This isn't…this isn't the episode for shaving jokes.
Maddox: No…nope.
Dick: That's next week.
Maddox: That's next week.
Erin: Oh, crap.
Maddox: So…so I told this friend of ours. I said, "Look man, go to Floyd's. Spend a little bit…" it's, like, not much more…
Erin: You're a good friend.
Maddox: It's like 10…yeah!!
Erin: Seriously.
Maddox: It's like 10 bucks more.
Erin: (interjects) To be honest with him.
Maddox: Just spend 10 bucks…thank you, Erin.
Dick: No!! He's a good friend for telling the guy that his hair look like shit?!
Erin: Yes!!!
Maddox: Yes.
Erin: Yess!!
Dick: Aaaaaachhh.
Erin: Because you were judging him too, and you know it, Dick!
Maddox: Yeah. And (stammers) Dick, it's like…
Dick: (interjects) It's funny, though. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: It's like a friend is…
Dick: (interjects) He's ruining it for all the other friends. (giggles)
Erin: And you're the bad friend! You're the bad friend. Maddox is a good friend.
Maddox: One of the…best things you can do for a friend. And I'm not…this is in all sincerity. Is if they smell, tell them they smell. Because no one else is gonna say it.
Erin: I'm with you.
Maddox: People are gonna be polite.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: And…and whatever.
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: Like, if you have a friend who has, like…
Erin: (interjects) Something in their teeth.
Maddox: Something in their teeth. Tell them. Unless it's…(giggles) unless it's a girl. (stammers)
Erin: Uh-oh.
Maddox: Like, I've dated a lot of girls who eat ice cream REALLY sloppily and it gets all over their fucking face, and I never tell them.
Dick: Like a horse?
Maddox: Oh…oh…(Erin cracks up) Like a…
Dick: How sloppily?!
Maddox: (laughing) Like…
Dick: How sloppy are these girls you're dating!?? (laughing) (Erin cracks up)
Maddox: Like a…like a pie-eating contest. And they…buddy, they eat everything that way. (laughing) It's like a pie-eating contest.
Dick: Penis, as well? Is that…
Erin: Oh, my gosh.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. That's the implication. (Maddox and Dick giggle)
Erin: Oh, we were all thinking it. We were all thinking it.
Maddox: Yeah, we were all…so they'd get chocolate…
Dick: I don't think that's a good thing!
Maddox: Oh, it's hilarious. Uh…(laughing) So it's like…it's like a reverse motorboat. (Erin sighs) So, uh, they get chocolate all over their face and I remember one time, I dated this girl. She got chocolate all over her face. It was on her nose, on her cheeks and everything.
Erin: Oh, no!
Maddox: And I didn't tell her. (giggles)
Erin: Ohhhhhh!
Maddox: And we were out at a mall. We went to a movie. (giggles) (Erin cracks up) We went to a restaurant.
Sean: Boy was she embarrassed when she went back to fourth grade. (they all laugh)
Maddox: Sean! Sh…
Dick: (interjects) Still think he's a good friend!? (Maddox and Erin crack up)
Erin: Yeah, pretty terrible now.
Dick: Yeah.
Erin: Pretty terrible.
Dick: Pretty terrible.
Maddox: No, no. She wasn't my friend. She was my girlfriend.
Erin: And this is a girlfriend!!!! That's even worse!!
Dick: That's even worse.
Maddox: Eh, it's hilarious. (Erin groans)
Dick: Bragging about touching boobs…(laughing)
Erin: I know!!!!
Dick: Making her get ice cream all over her face…(Maddox giggles) (Erin groans)
Maddox: Whatever. (Erin groans) People who get bad haircuts…awesome. Awesome.
Dick: That's my problem.
Maddox: Great.
Erin: That's a good one.
Dick: It's…it's like now I gotta learn how to be ugly for two weeks. Like, well…
Maddox: Ohh. (giggles)
Dick: How to be ugly on the internet.
Erin: You experience what it's like not to be beautiful for three weeks.
Dick: Yeah. Sucks. (Erin laughs) I dunno if I'll make it through it.
Erin: You can do it.
Dick: That's my problem. What do you wanna plug? Thank you for stopping by again.
Erin: Oh, thank you! I'm so happy to be here. You guys are the best. I have so much fun on this show.
Dick: I'm gonna work on my Tinder profile. I'll delete those extra pictures.
Erin: Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause I'm sure you have a bunch of selfies or something you could add instead.
Dick: Maybe I'll just put my business up there. I'll put my…(giggles) my life coach's services.
Erin: Hey. If you do…just put it in the profile, so people know. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: So…
Maddox: And make it dating related. Yeah, so. Anyway, Erin…
Erin: Exactly.
Maddox: What's…your website again is…
Erin: Yes. http://www.thedatingadvicegirl.com. I'm on…all of the social media platforms. ALL of them!! Um…so find me on my website. I actually am just about to launch my first dating coaching webinar, that's downloadable, etc. 'Cause I do workshops, so it's literally like you could…I'm like in your home giving you one-on-one coaching. You download it, and I'm basically sprucing up your love life and giving you tips for messaging and conversing with other singles. (claps)
Dick: Oh, shit! You know what? That reminds me.
Erin: Oh.
Dick: I wrote a bunch of libertarian pickup lines. I wanted to get your…
Maddox: (laughs) Okay. (Erin cackles)
Sean: Oh, god!! (in the background)
Dick: I wanted to get your opinion of these libertarian pickup lines that I wrote.
Erin: Okay, let's do this!
Maddox: Let's hear these.
Dick: Uh, are you a fiat currency? Because you're causing high levels of inflation in my pants. (Erin and Sean laugh) (Maddox snorts)
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: Do you think that would work.
Erin: Uhhhhhhh………no. Next.
Dick: Okay.
Erin: What's the next one?
Dick: Girl…I wanna fuck you like I interpret the constitution. Literally.
(Sound effect: Boner loss "sproing")
(Maddox laughs)
Erin: (groans)
Maddox: These are awful!!
Erin: I just have a question mark in my brain!!
Dick: Ohh.
Erin: But go on.
Dick: Okay.
Erin: Next one.
Dick: This is not…maybe it's not the right audience.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: That is how a libertarian interprets the Constitution. Like, literally.
Dick: Literally. Uh-huh.
Maddox: Like…(Erin squeals and laughs)
Dick: Girl, I'll respect you like property rights. Right? That's funny. (dead air) (Erin groans) Girl…
Maddox: (laughing) These are all…
Dick: Girl…girl…my love…my dick is like the free market. It'll solve all of your problems.
Erin: No, but…
Dick: (interjects) Because it fosters innovation, punishes inefficiencies, and it's a reflection of the economic decisions and values of all society. And not just an elite ruling class. (Sean cracks up)
(Sound effect: Crickets)
(Maddox cracks up)
Erin: You had me at, like, the half.
Dick: Is that hot? That's pretty hot!
Erin: Like, half…half of that statement, you had me. And then you lost me.
Dick: Oh shi…why? Do you think I should keep the second half?
Erin: Too much…too many words. I'm like going to sleep and not even wanting to have sex with you. It's too long.
Dick: Hmm. How about, uh…girl, I need that ass…(Erin giggles) like the US needs to return to the gold standard. Because it provides long-term economic stability…(Erin snorts)
Maddox: (interjects) No it fucking doesn't!!
Dick: And growth…(Erin and Maddox crack up) It prevents inflation.
Maddox: No it doesn't.
Dick: It would restrict the ability of the government to run up large deficits by printing money at will.
Maddox: No.
Dick: Which also increases the national debt and the economy has historically performed better…
Erin: (interjects) Oh, my God.
Dick: …under a gold stand…
Maddox: (interjects) No, it fucking hasn't!!
Dick: (interjects) Is that a good pickup line?!
Maddox: In 1931, it didn't, you shithead! It crashed!! (Erin giggles) And it doesn't allow for quantitative or qualitative easing in the economy, dickhead! (yells) It takes away tools from economists to be able to do anything! Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, so Erin, was that a good pickup line? (giggles)
Erin: None of…none of this makes me want to have sex with anybody. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Shit! Okay, wait. I got…this one's better.
Maddox: What about me!?! (they crack up)
Dick: Girl…girl…
Erin: Girl…(imitating Dick)
Dick: Girl, I wanna…you have to say "girl".
Erin: Girl (whines)
Dick: That's how you…it's like the military.
Erin: Yeah.
Dick: Sir, yes sir. Girl…(Erin snorts) I wanna dress up like Ayn Rand and make a fountain all over your head. (Maddox and Sean crack up)
Erin: I mean…
Dick: That's pretty good. That's clear.
Erin: That's better than the other…you're right. It's very clear.
Dick: That's the best one?
Erin: It's very clear.
Maddox: I don't get it. How…(stammers) what do you mean, a fountain?
Sean: Ayn…Ayn…she wrote "The Fountainhead".
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Ohhhh, that's right. Okay. Alright.
Dick: You didn't discover that in all your libertarian research? (giggles)
Erin: These are all very sapiosexual, actually.
Dick: Oh!!!
Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.
Erin: Yeah. Very cerebral.
Dick: Okay. This one's very cerebral. Uh, girl…(Erin tries not to laugh) I'll pay you forty dollars to touch my dick through my pants. (Erin giggles) That's very libertarian, right?
Maddox: Very libertarian. (giggles)
Dick: Straight exchange of services for money?
Maddox: Sure.
Erin: I know a lot of girls who would take you up on that.
Dick: Alright. That's it. (Erin giggles) Those are all my…libertarian pickup lines.
Erin: Alright, nice job. Nice job. Nice job.
Maddox: Alright. Bravo. Bravo.
(Sound effect: Applause)
Dick: Thank you.
Maddox: Bravo, Dick.
Erin: Yes, yes. Very nice. Very nice.
Maddox: Good job.
Dick: So that's the…the good one is the Ayn Rand one.
Erin: And the last one if you want ladies who want some cash.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Prostitutes. Uh, what's that website? Uh…
Dick: Backpage.
Maddox: Yeah. Backpage. Backpage. Yeah. (Erin giggles)
Dick: Backpage.
Maddox: Um, Erin…
Erin: Yes?
Maddox: You have some exciting news. You are now certified as…
Erin: (gasps) Oh, thank you!!
Maddox: …NLP. Uh…
Erin: Yay!!!
Maddox: You wanna explain to people what that is?
Erin: Okay, so…NLP…
Dick: Can you say that…NLP?
Maddox: NLP.
Dick: The letters?
Erin: NLP.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Okay.
Erin: Neurolinguistic programming.
Maddox: Right.
Erin: So it's, like, kinda Tony Robbins stuff. It's positive thinking. There's some exercises you can do to someone, with their permission. Like, for example, you can touch their hand or something and basically help them trigger a positive thought if they're feeling, like, anxiety or something negative.
Dick: Hmm.
Erin: Somebody can touch their finger, for example, and remember a time where they felt powerful. And it's…it's really great. It's all about suggestions and all that kind of stuff.
Maddox: So, I…
Erin: (interjects) So I'm certified in that now.
Dick: Is there a way you can do it to make them feel bad? Is there, like, an anti-NLP?
Erin: If I…
Maddox: Yeah, it's called a punch!
Erin: If I…(they crack up)
Maddox: You punch 'em in the head.
Dick: Let's get certified in that.
Erin: If I was unethical, probably, yes.
Maddox: The..(stammers) I…
Erin: But I have a high level of ethics.
Maddox: So this NLP stuff is pretty interesting. I looked into it a long time ago, because someone recommended this book, I'm like, "Ugh, okay, another fucking thing now. What?!" And I picked it up. (giggles) And it was…it was really interesting, some of the things that they talked about in this book was how to deal with traumatic memories and events.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: Specifically, um, if you view it in terms of a movie. Your life is essentially a movie that's playing in your head…
Erin: True.
Maddox: And you're the star.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: Uh…you're seeing all these pictures and things in your memories of…in the past…are memories that you're…that are kind of just constructed. They're not real things.
Erin: Right.
Maddox: They're ephemeral.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: So…if you view that memory from a third person.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: Like in a movie. Like, if you're…if you're watching a movie and you see a car go off a cliff and you're seeing it first person point of view..
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: Uh, it's…you know, with the knuckles on the steering wheel, and the person gasping right as they're going off the cliff.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: It's much more cerebral, versus you're watching it from a distance.
Erin: Yeah.
Maddox: And like, this little car kinda flies off.
Erin: Like you're more removed.
Maddox: Yeah, you're more removed.
Erin: Right.
Maddox: And you're not…you don't feel it as much.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: So they kind of teach you strategies on coping with trauma and things like that.
Erin: And, like, visualization techniques to do that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: So you can see yourself removed from that traumatic experience.
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: So that you're like, "Oh, I'm not as…I'm not so tied to that emotion attached to it."
Maddox: Beca…bec…
Erin: (interjects) It's very powerful, actually.
Maddox: Absolutely. Because Sean…Sean, our audio engineer has given some…sage-like wisdom at one point. (they snort) He says that things…
Dick: Suspicious…the look on his face. You're right to be that suspicious, Sean.
Maddox: Yeah. You are right.
Sean: I have no idea what's coming.
Dick: This sounds like a but…you're getting buttering up for getting fucked, or something. (they crack up)
Sean: I'm sorry…I'm sorry about the…I'm sorry about the hair. (they laugh)
Dick: Yeah. (laughing) (Erin sighs) This sounds like an insult.
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean. Oh, you're getting yours, buddy. It's coming. Uh, but Sean said that things are rarely as good or as bad as they seem!
Erin: Mmm.
Maddox: And…
Dick: He says that about the podcast every week afterwards.
Maddox: (giggles) He does. (Erin cracks up)
Dick: He's like, "Well."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "It's never as good or as bad as you think it was."
Maddox: And it's usually when we're really high. When we're really high on ourselves. "That was a really good episode!" it's, like, "Guys, it wasn't that good."
Dick: We had a dank bowl.
Maddox: Shut up! (Erin and Dick laugh) So…(giggles) So Sean…Sean said that things are rarely as good or as bad as they seem. And…I think, applied to NLP is that…if you remove yourself…
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: From that situation. And you look at it as a third party observer.
Erin: Or reframe it.
Maddox: Yeah. Reframe it, essentially.
Erin: Yes.
Maddox: Uh, you look at it from a different frame. Uh, a different observer.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: Uh, that's how I view it.
Erin: Mhmm.
Maddox: You will be able to see it a little bit more objectively.
Erin: Right.
Maddox: Because when you're in it, you feel much more strongly about things that no one else gives a shit about.
Erin: Absolutely.
Maddox: Yeah.
Erin: And you…the problem is, we let those things affect us in the future, when we could leave it in the past, but it's like…we revisit those things as the first person. It's like we can't let go of things. Like with dating. People have a bad breakup, and so they literally feel like every other person's gonna hurt them as bad as that bad breakup does.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Mhmm.
Erin: So what I do with the dating…
Dick: It will. (Sean laughs)
Erin: Stop it!! (Dick giggles) So what I do with..when I coach people on dating, is I help them refrain that, to make them believe, and really, really believe and trust that that's not gonna happen again and again and again.
Maddox: Right.
Sean: Dick.
Erin: "Cause we tell ourselves that that's what's gonna happen."
Dick: What's up?
Sean: Not as bad. Much, much worse. Right?!
Erin: Noooooo!!! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yeah. It gets worse every year! They get smarter and older and they hit you a lot harder.
Maddox: No but…
Erin: That's why you date younger!
Dick: Life sucks.
Maddox: No…you…(stammers)
Erin: Like I do. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. You date younger. And also, also, you become callous. That's the wa…
Erin: Awwwwwwww.
Maddox: Right, Erin?!
Erin: Nooooo!! Nooo!!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: (laughs) You can't hurt a callus!!
Erin: Don't be jaded! No!!
Dick: This is what NLP is about. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No, no, no, no. (Erin giggles) It's actually…it's actually not at all. But yeah. It's very interesting stuff. Congratulations, Erin.
Erin: Thank you!!
Maddox: Thank you for coming by the show.
Erin: I love you guys. Thanks for having me.
Dick: Thank you.
Erin: Nice.
Maddox: Alright, guys. My problem this week was Spooning Victims
(closing riff starts)
Erin: And my problem is Unfair Internet Bans.
Dick: Uh, my problem is Bad Haircuts.
Maddox: Bad haircuts. Guys, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, this is Aryan McPatriarchy. (Maddox giggles) I'm the Emperor of all straight, white men. (Maddox laughs)
Erin: Oh, geez.
"I'm just calling in to congratulate Asterios on figuring out my grand scheme, where I subjugate women and minorities (Dick and Maddox giggle) by forcing filmmakers to include a majority of straight, white people in their theatrical ensemble.
Dick: What the hell did he say?! (Maddox laughs)
"It never had anything to do with the fact that nearly 4 out of 5 Americans are white and these demographics are naturally reflected in our films."
Dick: Oh, boy.
Maddox: Yeah. He's actually right.
"No. It was always racism. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you digital cyberdemons and your boisterous coconuts.") (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Maddox: That might be one of my favorite voice mails. It's a good point. So…so…
Dick: He's the emperor of all white people. That's cool.
Erin: Oh, my God.
Maddox: We've talked…we talked about this last time I…
Erin: I love that I'm this show listening to this right now.
Maddox: Oh, I know. It's a…
Erin: (interjects) For those of you who don't know, I am a black female. So it's perfect. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Erin is a bl…Erin is a black woman, and…
Dick: He's our Jesse Jackson. That was the guy that just called in. (Maddox and Erin guffaw)
Erin: Oh, wow. (giggles)
Maddox: So, last episode, Erin…
Erin: Mmm.
Maddox: He was like, "Well, um.." Asterios was like "Why don't we have representation, uh, like more black people winning Oscars, blablabla?"
Dick: What? (giggles)
Maddox: And that's the point.
Erin: Yeah. Sure.
Maddox: And I looked into it. Well, I brought up that point. To be fair. I brought up that point.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And…people will say, "Black people aren't winning enough Oscars!" and I looked into it and…
Dick: (interjects) Uh, how about fuck the Oscars? Who cares?
Maddox: Well, I looked into it, and…and…black people got 17% of the nominations last time.
Erin: Right.
Maddox: Which is, like, more than…they're, like, 13% of the population. They are represented. And then, uh, overall…over the entire course of Oscar history.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They say that, I think 15 out of 65 Oscars were given to black people, and I did the math, and that's like 10%.
Erin: 15 out of 65.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: 15 out of 65. That's 10%.
Erin: 15.
Maddox: Yeah, 15.
Dick: And also…
Maddox: That's like 10%!
Dick: The Oscars are a fucking ad to make you watch these movies…
Erin: That's true.
Dick: By a bunch of shitheads who do NOTHING. Honoring other people who don't do shit.
Maddox: I…agree. Not on point, but I agree.
Dick: Yeah.
Erin: I like the industry, so I'm not gonna say anything about that. But I will say…
Dick: (interjects) Ohhh, yeah.
Erin: But I will say, I mean, I don't know. If you…I don't know. I just…(stammers) this is hard, and there's not enough time, probably, to talk about it. But…but…I feel…proportionately to the population, you're correct.
Maddox: Right.
Erin: Percentage wise? But it would be nice to see…how about, like, even more representation of Asian people…
Maddox: Oh, absolutely.
Erin: Other ethnicities, etc. So, yeah.
Maddox: No, that…that was the point I made. I said we don't see enough Latinos. We don't see enough Asian people.
Erin: Sure.
Dick: Uh, we see enough Latinos. Alright?
Maddox: (scoffs) Actually..
Dick: We got…we need a big wall in front of the Oscars to….(they crack up)
Erin: Donald…
Maddox: Donald Trump
Dick: To keep those Latinos out.
Maddox: Fucking Donald Trump! (Dick cracks up) We're gonna get into this Trump shit, dickhead! Trump is an anti-vaxxer!
Dick: Baby, I got a whole year.
Maddox: He's an anti-vaxxer. That piece of shit.
Dick: Who cares?
Erin: What does that mean? What does that mean?
Maddox: Someone who's opposed to vaccinations.
Erin: Oh, vaxxer. Got it.
Maddox: Anti-vaxxer. Yeah.
Erin: Got it. Got it.
Dick: It's the biggest problem right now on the list. It's over 10,000 votes.
Maddox: Yeah.
(file cuts off)