Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 27
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by our own bonus episode! Head tohttp://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com and click on the Solutions to check it out.
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy, what's up buddy?
Maddox: And we have a special guest in studio!!! Asterios Kokkinos!
Asterios: Hey!! Hey guys, what's going on?!
Dick: What's up, man?! (grinning) It's Boisterous Coconuts!
Asterios: I'm feeling boisterous!!
Dick: You know what I love about Asterios? The last time…the last episode he was on…the second somebody called him out as Boisterous Coconuts, he instantly went on Twitter and changed his name to Boisterous Coconuts. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: I did do that. That was awesome.
Maddox: You know, I thought it was funny too, because…
Asterios: (interjects) I was trying to get more fan votes. It didn't work!
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: My huge suck-up campaign failed!
Maddox: Hey, you're not doing too bad in terms of fan rankings. However, when I saw the "Boisterous Coconuts" pop up on my Twitter feed, I thought it was a fan account…
Asterios: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause, Dick, when you brought in "Not Enough Tits on Snapchat" as your problem…(Asterios cracks up)
Dick: That was a good problem.
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Asterios: Why didn't that win?!!
Maddox: So, somebody created an account…I complained on that episode about all I get on Snapchat are horses and dogs.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And then someone created a Twitter account just to antagonize me by sending me nothing but horses and dogs! (yelling) And I guess they were sending you boobs, weren't they?!
Dick: Yeah. Tits.
Maddox: This is bullshit!
Dick: It was called "Horses and Tits", the account. (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's what they did. (laughing)
Maddox: All I got was horses and dogs! And I still…all I get is horses and dogs.
Dick: Alright.
Asterios: You deserve better.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I know what Asterios wants to know. Who won last week?
Asterios: I DO wanna know that.
Maddox: Well, let's see. Looks like "Diamonds" won last week. Biggest Problem In The Universe, according to that week. And, followed by "People Who Don't Curb Their Dogs", Dick.
Dick: Alright, I'm gonna call shenanigans right away.
Maddox: Oh, okay. What. What?!
Dick: Because I was…I was listening to the last episode and I noticed at the end of the episode, you totally torpedoed my problem.
Maddox: What?!
Dick: Because I said "Curb Your Dogs". That's a nice, memorable phrase that everybody could vote on…
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: But you changed it to "People Who Can't Curb Their Dogs". And I think…I think some listeners agree with me, because I got a couple comments. I started thinking about it right?
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Like, what's…what do you mean, "Diamonds", right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause that wasn't your problem!
Maddox: That WAS my problem!
Dick: It was…it was the marketing campaign that has made diamonds as a gemstone appeal to young couples in love. That was the real problem. (Asterios laughs) Not diamonds. So I got some comments on that. Uh…"I guess the problem should be 'Diamond Gemstones'." From Justin Zerjav. Um…
Maddox: Okay, wow. Way to split hairs. You know what, Dick? Maybe your problem wasn't "Dog Shit", but maybe it was just "Dogs".
Dick: No, it was dog shit. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Dick: I got more comments like "Diamonds are one of the hardest substances on Earth".
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They can cut through glass. They have many industrial applications.
Maddox: (interjects) Next to your head.
Dick: None of that was in your argument!
Maddox: No.
Dick: It was just engagement rings.
Maddox: Right! Because that's what's fueling…look, if diamonds weren't so expensive for engagement rings and they weren't hoarded by this bullshit, evil monopoly, this Syndicate that exists in Europe and across the world…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Then they would be cheap and nobody would need them for…they wouldn't be expensive. They're one of the best superconductors. I read this in one of the comments. They're huge…like, fantastic superconductors, but they're so expensive because of this monopoly that they can't use them…we can't advance in society.
Dick: No, no, no, no. False. 'Cause we can make them.
Maddox: Yeah. But they're still expensive. They're more expensive to make in the laboratory, at this time. So, you know…(stammers)
Dick: So you're saying that diamond cartels are driving up the price of science?
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: (cracks up) That's a pretty good argument.
Dick: That's a good argument.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (grins)
Dick: That's better than your dumb shit argument from last time.
Asterios: I'd also like to point out that anytime something is a 'syndicate' or a 'cartel', it's immediately evil.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: There's no, like, "Rainbow and Sunshine Cartel". (Dick laughs)
Maddox: That's actually what it's called, Asterios. That's the name of this place. It's called the Syndicate. The diamond cartel. I think it's in Israel. Anyway…
Dick: Wait, I got one more thing on the diamond thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, John Clancy says, "I think you were both being too hard on Dick's friend who bought the 1000$ ring."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: First of all, 1000$ is, like, nothing when we're talking engagement rings, which is true. "I paid a lot more and I still had a little voice in the back of my head calling me a cheap bastard." Well, okay. That little voice was a marketing voice. "Second, she's gonna be wearing that thing ideally for the rest of her life."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And that was the point I was trying to bring up with that engagement that it's only 1000$ and it benefits her for the rest of her life.
Asterios: Right. You amortize it over her entire life, so…
Maddox: Oh. Is that really…is that what you guys do?
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Maddox: (Dick cracks up) 'Cause you know what…first of all! Weddings, the average marriage lasts…lasts…
Asterios: Hey, we're not gonna come to…yes, (stammers)
Maddox: Uh-huh! 50%. 50% chance of getting a divorce, right? She's not wearing that the rest of her life, she's wearing that for maybe, at most, seven years.
Asterios: Well, she's wearing it the rest of her life. She just…maybe at some point she sells it or you're not together. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Asterios: Look. All I'll say is when I gave my wife her diamond ring, she like, lit up like crazy and she started singing, like, "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" (sings) (Maddox laughs) And it was like, the cutest thing in the world. Like, I'm not gonna say how much my ring cost, 'cause I don't want her to find out, but it was totally worth it.
Dick: Can you say how much that reaction was worth in a dollar amount? (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Uh, it was worth, I think 100 dollars per time, and she does it a lot.
Dick: 10 times, would you say?
Asterios: No, goddamnit! Don't…uggh!!! You and your math trickery! (Maddox and Dick laughing) No, but it was…look, it was super…it made her happy, so come on.
Maddox: Great. No price on happiness, I guess, right?
Asterios: Well, there is a price.
Dick: That's a thousand bucks.
Maddox: Yeah. It's a thousand bucks.
Dick: That's what this guy's saying.
Maddox: Yeah. You know what? For that cost, you could buy a new cubic zirconium ring every month and just have her wear a new one every month.
Asterios: I agree with Operation Lie.
Maddox: Yes. (laughing)
Asterios: I wish she had done that. That I was super duper on board with. 'Cause it's not like, fake gold, which'll make her finger green.
Maddox: Right.
Asterios: Like, what's she gonna do? Try to cut glass with it?
Dick: No.
Maddox: No. You never have to prove it to anyone.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. And if you do, it means they don't trust you, and is that really a relationship if they don't trust you?
Maddox: Shit. Right? Shitty friend!
Asterios: Exactly.
Dick: Maddox, do you not splurge on anything that just brings you joy?
Maddox: All the time.
Dick: Like, like…that is worthless on its own?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Really?
Maddox: Everything I splurge on is travel and good food.
Asterios: Assassin's Creed: Unity?
Maddox: (laughing) And occasionally…
Asterios: Buying it for 60$ as opposed to waiting three months to buy it for 40. See?
Maddox: Nah, I've stopped buying new video games. I wait. I'll wait a month.
Asterios: DLCs?
Maddox: Yeah. Fuck it. Nah. Feeeh.
Asterios: Okay.
Maddox: Dark Souls 2 memorabilia, like T-shirts and stuff, of course. (Asterios laughs) But that doesn't count. I got a comment from Christopher Benney. He says, "I definitely think that was Zooey Deschanel." So we had a lot of celebrity call-ins last week.
Dick: Yeah. That one sounded like her, didn't it?
Asterios: That was a really good…I mean, I think a call from Columbo is pretty cool, though.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Oh, with that date rape shit?
Asterios: Sounds like he had your number.
Maddox: He did have your number. So listen, he says, "I definitely think that was Zooey Deschanel who left a voice mail. If not, someone mastered the impersonation. Perhaps Boisterous Coconuts has been practicing hard?" And then the second comment, the comment that responded to him, was from Paul Hee. He said, "Well, after all, he is a digital cyberdemon!"
(Sound clip: Asterios yelling, "Cause I'm a DIGITIAL CYBERDEMON!!")
(Asterios, Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Bravo. I also got a comment from Andrew Schulke about the celebrity voice mails. He said, "Happy 1 million downloads, guys. Hopefully for your 2 millionth download celebration, you'll get a call from John Arbuckle or Skippy from Family Ties." (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Yeah. Really topical references like that, exactly.
Dick: Or Q-Bert. Maybe he'll call in.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Or Balki Bartokomous! All the most topical references.
Dick: I got a good…I got a comment here. Tony Mayn says, "Hey Dick, as someone who cleans apartment buildings for a living, thanks for tracking dog shit everywhere."
Maddox: Uh-huh. And I got a comment…
Dick: (interjects) Wait. He's not done.
Maddox: Oh, sorry.
Dick: "You fucking asshole." (Maddox, Dick, and Asterios laugh)
Maddox: (laughing) Bravo. And I got a comment on that note, too.
Dick: You're not gonna let me defend myself? Or is this more apartment shit?
Maddox: Oh, what did…it's more apartment shit. Then you defend yourself.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: 'Cause this guy says…this is from Evan Wiebe, he says, "I like how Dick's solution to stepping in shit is to track it all over his apartment building. You're the problem, Dick. Take off your fucking shoes."
Asterios: That actually would have fixed everything.
Dick: That would have fixed everything. (They all crack up) Well, next time, guys. Next time I'll pop the shoes off. (grinning) Hey, I got a voice mail.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Play number 1 for me.
(Voice mail: " (Gruff Irish man) Hey guys. Just calling from Ireland with a hangover. Big family show. The kid won't shut up. So answer this question for him. (Irish kid's voice): "Maddox. I want to know what does your shit smell like after you've drank Tabasco? Oh yeah, and Dick is a fucking idiot.")
Dick: Hey!!! (Maddox laughing)
(Voice mail: "(Irish man) Alright guys. Keep up the good work.")
Dick: The mouth on this kid! What the hell!!!
Maddox: (cracking up) There's a kid who's been reading my writing since he was born, baby. What a smart kid. I love that kid!
Asterios: What a great country. Oh my God.
Maddox: Oh, my God. Yeah.
Asterios: I hope all the kids are that adorable and filthy.
Maddox: Yeah. And eloquent! That's how you talk.
Asterios: Very eloquent.
Maddox: Take…take a lesson. I want all the American parents who are listening to this show to play this episode for your kids so they can hear what a real kid talks like!
Dick: Are you gonna answer his question, or what?
Maddox: Yeah. What does a shit smell like after it's been drenched in Tabasco?
Dick: No, what…no.
Maddox: What? What did he say?
Dick: He didn't ask what a shit smells like after you pour Tabasco sauce all over it. (laughing)
Maddox: No. After you've drank it.
Dick: What is YOUR shit like…what does your shit smell like after you've been drinking Tabasco sauce for a week?
Maddox: Okay. If you've ever had corned beef. And it's been, like, brining all day, and it's got the cabbage, and that delicious, you know. You get some oniony, some turnipy type of taste to it. Huh?
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Add a little bit of, you know, cumin. Those fresh ground cumin? Smells just like that.
Asterios: I'd like to point out that the correct answer is, "I don't know. I don't smell my own shit." (Maddox and Dick crack up) Sorry, adorable Irish boy! I can't help you.
Dick: Ding! That's the right answer. (grins)
Maddox: Okay. Anyway.
Dick: I got another one for you. This guy sounds familiar. I think he's called in before. Play number 2.
(Voice mail: "Hey, this is a call from Maddox from 2004. Uhh…yeah. Why would I use the fucking word 'podcast'?" (another voice starts, garbled and tinny))
Dick: Uh, uhh. No. Stop it right there. Okay. Guys. Guys. I gotta go over some voice mail technical points with you. You cannot put the phone up to a computer and have the audio go through. It's not magic. (Asterios and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: So…so he's basically pointing out how a long time ago, I wrote this article about words that I hate, and one of them was podcast.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: Because I said it's a made-up term for an MP3 file. That's essentially all we're doing. We're just posting MP3 files online.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's all it is. However, it's become so ubiquitous, kinda like Facebook, that you CAN'T escape it. It's something I…look. I fought this battle and we've lost, guys. Everyone, we collectively as a society have lost. Steve Jobs and his fucking bullshit-ass marketing has won. That's what everyone calls these. I'm not gonna fight it anymore. There's nothing else I can call it that would be more understandable. Ultimately, when you're talking to people, the point is to convey information.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: And the most easy way to convey what we're doing is to call it a podcast.
Asterios: Yeah, remember when Microsoft had that memo that was like, "You are not allowed to use the word 'podcast' with reference to fucking podcasts on the Zune. You have to call it, like, 'encapsulated digital audio radio show prelistening bullshit'" (Maddox and Dick laugh) and then it was, like, ugh, you guys lost. This is super duper evidence that you lost. Just call it a podcast.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You know what I would've even? This is hokey as shit, but I would have even taken E-cast. At this point. Right?
Asterios: I don't mind E-cast.
Maddox: E-cast.
Asterios: It's the same length.
Maddox: Right.
Asterios: I have a similar opinion about Frankenstein. When you say 'Frankenstein', you mean the big, green guy with bolts out of his neck who's afraid of fire and goes "Rrrrrrruuuuhh". Douchebags, like my good friend Sax Carr, will say things, like, "Uh, no. That's Frankenstein's monster. Frankenstein is the doctor."
Maddox: Oh, my God.
Asterios: And it's like, "Fuck you! You lost!" Horror nerd, you lost!
Maddox: Yeah!
Asterios: Frankenstein's the green guy. You fucking lost!
Maddox: Yeah. You lost, dude.
Dick: I thought Frankenstein's monster was his wife.
Maddox: Ohhhh, wow.
Asterios: Can we hear some clapping, please? (Dick cackles)
(Sound effect; "Ba-dum-chh!" drums)
Asterios: You should just ride that rimshot button, 'cause you're gonna need a lot, 'cause I'm on the show!
Maddox: Here we go. Yeah. Well, Dick, I also have…let's see. I have another…this is a very popular segment. It's really taking off over the last few episodes.
Dick: What?
Maddox: It is…
(Ritzy theme music starts up, deep voice says "Dick Versus Dick!!") (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Man, fuck this segment! (Asterios and Maddox crack up laughing)
Maddox: So, Dick. I don't know if you remember. You said this back around the time…let's just play the clip.
(Sound clip: Maddox: "Due to the pressure from all my fans coming down on him, they finally issued an apology, and of course, Maddox gets no credit."
Dick: "It was a bullshit apology, too."
Maddox: "It WAS a bullshit apology!"
Dick: "The apology was basically, 'We found this link to not have, like, news…'"
(Clip ends)
Maddox: So that first clip was when you were talking about Robin William's nonapology when ABC News issues that nonapology, right? But back a long time ago, I think in Episode 6, when I brought in nonapologies as a problem, here's what you said.
Dick: Uh-huh.
(Clip starts: Maddox: "So, I would suspect that you're a really bad apologizer."
Dick: Oh, what makes you say that?
Maddox: Because you're insincere (giggles) with everything. Every aspect of your life. Is totally insincere.
Dick: So what does sincerity have to do with an apology? Walk me…
Maddox: (stammers) (laughing)
(Clip ends)
Dick: Good question. The question remains. What does it have to do with an apology? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Dick!
Dick: I still stand that the most important part of an apology is saying it. You just have to say it. (Maddox scoffs) You say the thing first and then you feel the feelings, maybe, and it doesn't matter. You've already humiliated yourself. (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: The context that you're missing is…this is a major news organization.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like…they have nothing to lose by giving the most sniveling, groveling apology imaginable. They can hire somebody to do it, for like 20$ an hour. Here you go. How can they fuck up an apology? Like, how…first of all, a news corporation can't be sincere. It is a building.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It is a bunch of stocks. They can't issue a sincere apology. I was criticizing it as a business move.
Maddox: Dick, that's actually one of the best arguments I think you've ever made on this show. (laughing) Bravo!
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Asterios: And it sounded super insincere, too. (Maddox and Dick laugh) So well done!
Dick: Here. Hold on. Lemme do it in a sincere way. You see, Asterios. It's a building. Alright? We're all very sad of Robin Williams' passing. That's what…you have to start with something like that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah! (boisterous)
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: As a building. Yeah. Well, uh…so that's what I got. And I just want to say thanks to Daniel Askew for sending in that suggestion for that Dick Versus Dick.
Dick: Yeah, thanks a lot, Daniel! (Maddox laughs) You asshole! (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: Alright. Let's get to the problems.
Asterios: Oh, wait. I'm sorry. Before we do…isn't it funny that starting this show…you now have, like, a whole cadre of people that are trying to fuck you? (Dick laughs) Like, half the audience is, like, "I'm gonna fuck Dick with this clip." (Maddox laughs) "I'm gonna send Dick a shitty message." "I'm gonna leave a shitty voice mail for Dick." (laughs)
Dick: Always at the end, too.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly!
Dick: Dammit.
Maddox: And you've got an entire generation, our current generation of listeners, and them coming up in Ireland!! (Asterios and Maddox laughing) Their kids! (laughs) It was amazing.
Dick: Are you guys done?
Maddox: Uh…
Dick: Can I get to my problem, please? (annoyed)
Maddox: No. We still got a few minutes. (Maddox and Asterios crack up)
Asterios: Alright, I wanna hear it!
Maddox: Dick, what do you got?
Dick: Okay. This is based on…you guys. Did you know we went to this comet?
Asterios: Yeah!
Dick: Did you know we landed on a comet?
Maddox: That sounds like fucking science fiction from the 50s that we would've thought we would have accomplished in the year 3000, Dick? How did this happen?!
Dick: We landed a satellite on a comet.
Maddox: It's amazing!
Dick: I don't know…I don't know how it happened, but we did it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Alright? So, umm…I thought…big deal. I don't know what we're doing at the comet. Maybe we're gonna learn something. I'll probably never heard about it again.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: This is these guys' time in the limelight. Right?
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Good for them. (inhales slowly) Well, not so good for them. They had a little wardrobe SNAFU! (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: What? (incredulous)
Dick: Yeah. They were doing some interviews with these scientists right after they were landing their satellite on a comet.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Something that we couldn't imagine.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: You know, 20 years ago.
Asterios: Just, real quick, that's like hitting a bullet with a bullet. Because the comet is moving at an incredible speed. You're launching this thing at an incredible speed. That's an incredible feat.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: That is incredible, yeah.
Dick: However, the poor bastard who was involved in this incredible feat…incredible advancement for humanity…happened to be wearing a bowling shirt…(Asterios giggles) That had a bunch of sexy ladies drawn on it. Illustrations of sexy women.
Maddox: Like comic book characters.
Dick: Drawn on it. Like…yes. Comic book characters. Not real women. Just representations of them.
Maddox: Okay. Were they, like, naked and spread eagle? Like, how…
Dick: No, they were just wearing normal clothes, actually, quite conservative clothes living in Hollywood. I've seen much worse walking around on a Thursday or Sunday evening.
Maddox: Or better.
Dick: Or better.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So, guess how lost their shit about it?
Maddox: Oh, great.
Dick: Here's the title of an article I came across today. "I don't care if you landed a spacecraft on a comet, your shirt is sexist and ostracizing".
Maddox: Sexist and ostracizing.
Dick: Sexist and ostracizing. (Asterios sighs) Here's the article, by Chris Plant and Ariel Duhane-Ross. Two retards who deserve…(Asterios and Maddox crack up laughing) to be shot into a comet. "Yesterday, the European Space Agency landed the Philae spacecraft on a comet, a powerful step forward for humanity and science alike. However, slightly before the big moment, coverage of the event reminded us how much progress remains to be accomplished back on Earth." (sarcastic serious tone)
Maddox: Yeah. We're just Neanderthals, huh? We're cavemen with our bowling shirts.
Dick: "A number of scientists involved in this incredible project were interviewed in the hours leading to contact by Nature News stream. One of those Rosetta scientists was Matt Taylor, who chose to dress for this special occasion in a bowling shirt covered in scantily clad caricatures of sexy women in provocative poses." (grinning)
Maddox: Oh, no.
Asterios: Oh, my God.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: It sounds like he's wearing porno. Like, phrased like that makes it sound like he's just wearing a Hustler magazine.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So he's…he's, like, a fringe guy. He looks like a rockabilly guy. He's covered in tattoos, he's got the facial hair, and he's wearing, like, a rockabilly tattoo T-shirt. Rockabillies can be scientists. There's nothing wrong with that.
Maddox: Yeah, no. Apparently not. Does the article go on?
Dick: Yeah. Uh…"This is gonna be a very long day but a very exciting day," said Taylor. The scientist. You know, the man who's doing something with his life. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: And improving humanity.
Dick: Right. I think everyone should enjoy it, because we're making history. Um. To put it in writer's terms, 'cause I know these dipshit writers don't understand science stuff…
Maddox: Right.
Dick: It would be like writing a book that launched into space and landed on a comet. Does that make sense?
Maddox: Yeah. I like the bullet with the bullet analogy. (Asterios laughs) That was really good, Asterios. (laughing)
Dick: So here's where it gets good. No one knows why Taylor chose to wear that shirt on television during a massive scientific mission. From what we can tell, a woman who goes by the name of Ellie Prizeman on Twitter made the shirt for him. So a woman made the shirt for him.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And is just as bewildered as he must be that anyone might be upset about her creation. But none of that actually matters. (Maddox cracks up) "What matters is the fact that no one at the European Space Agency saw fit to stop him from representing the space community with clothing that demeans 50% of the world's population!" (yelling) "No one asked him to take it off, because presumably, they didn't think about it. It wasn't worth worrying about."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. It wasn't.
Maddox: No, it's not. Fuck off! And also, is this the president of women talking!? (angry) (Asterios cracks up) Is this the queen of all women? Does she represent all women? 50% of the world's population? Does she represent 3.5 billion points of view?
Dick: "This is the sort of casual misogyny from entering certain scientific fields."
Asterios: That's sexist!!
Dick: There it is.
Maddox: Absolutely.
Asterios: If you think that women are so weak-willed that they won't enter science because of a shirt that looks like a…I'm looking at the shirt right now. It looks like a comic book from the 90s. It looks like something Image Comics would put out.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: This isn't super disgusting. It's just, like, a bunch of girls in dresses. It's like, if you think that women are so weak that this will stop them from pursuing their dreams, you don't understand women and how strong they are, and that's awful.
Maddox: Great fucking point, Asterios. It is absurd. It's sexist…pffyeah. It's just a comic book T-shirt.
Asterios: Yeah. It looks like an X-Men comic. Like, okay. You know what? If you don't like it, that's fine. But, like, THIS isn't the problem.
Dick: Well, guys, it's not just about the shirt.
Asterios: Uh-oh.
Dick: You see, because women see a guy like that on TV, they don't feel welcome. "They see a poster of greased-up women in a colleague's office and they know they aren't respected." This is, like, in an astrophysics lab. (Asterios laughs) You go around and you see greased-up women calendars ALL over the place. (sarcasm) You know?
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: It's just all over the place. Penthouse magazines spilling out of telescopes.
Maddox: Sure!
Dick: When you're a woman and you go to do your observations, like, "Ohohoho!!" Who left all their jerked-off porno rags in the observation booth? (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Scientists in Cal Tech are tripping over piles of jizz!
Dick: Porno.
Maddox: Porno and jizz, yeah. (laughing, scoffs)
Asterios: I remember when we landed that first Penthouse Forum on the moon. It was a really proud day for me. (Maddox giggles) A really sad day for women!
Dick: "They hear comments about 'bitches' while out at the bar with fellow science students and they decide to change majors."
Maddox: Look at this tapestry!!
Asterios: Oh, come on!!!
Maddox: Look at this tapestry she's painting of this poor, downtrodden woman walking through her life just trying to become a scientist and she goes to a bar and overhears someone say "bitch". And she goes, "That's it. I think I'm changing my majors." (female imitation)
Dick: That's it. No.
Maddox: I think I'm no longer interested in astrophysics. I think I'm gonna go into, what, nail salons.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. I'm a Home Ec major now!!!
Maddox: Is that what happens?! Is that how weak these women consider women?
Dick: According to Chris Plant and Ariel Dunham-Ross they are. I don't know. I don't think so, but you know. I'm just reading what I read here. Uh, "The few who persevered even when they were discouraged from pursuing degrees in physics, chemistry and math throughout high school, these are the women who forged on despite…" bla, bla, bla, bla, bla. "This is the climate women who dream of working at NASA or the ESA come up against every single day. This shirt is representative of all that, whether Taylor meant it to be or not." This is a guy who just sent a contraption, you could call it, onto a comet.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. And this is such an amazing feat that we have done here. Because to even calculate the trajectory of this comet with any accuracy, to be able to do that from Earth, another spinning marble around the sun that's spinning at thousands of thousands of miles while we're rotating, while we have to coordinate that with radio telescopes and other science agencies and then get the funding and launch the satellite onto this rocket and go through all the bureaucratic red tape, let alone have it successfully land on an asteroid in fucking space millions of miles away, what is it, three million miles away?! (ranting)
Dick: No idea.
Maddox: Yeah. It's about that, I think.
Dick: I couldn't find an infographic on that. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Hey.
Asterios: It had to shoot…I heard it had to shoot harpoons into the surface of the comet to land.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Like, it literally speared this comet like a whale. It shot it with a bunch of guns.
Dick: It's like Batman.
Asterios: This was a really…yeah, exactly! This was a fucking awesome probe!
Maddox: And this is going to advance our knowledge just by decades, if not centuries, of what we know about asteroids and astrophysics and all this stuff. (yelling) To be able to successfully do this for the first time in history is unimaginable and here we are focused on this guy's bowling shirt!
Dick: Yeah. That a woman made for him.
Asterios: Right.
Dick: So that's why I'm calling my problem "Engineering Sexism"! (Maddox, Asterios laugh)
Asterios: That's a good title.
Dick: You see? Because it's a double thing.
Maddox: Double entendre.
Dick: It's "Engineering", 'cause they're making up the sexism, right? But it's also engineering sexism. (smug)
Maddox: So, Dick…
Asterios: We all got it right away. (Dick cackles, Maddox giggles) We're not stupid.
Dick: Well, here's the thing that I'm saying. So…and this goes deeper than this. I didn't bring it in just 'cause of this stupid article, but women in STEM, are you familiar with STEM, Science, Technology, Engineering, and what is it, Math?
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: Not enough women in STEM always gets shit on the Internet. There's countless articles, organizations trying to encourage women to be in Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics. And they CONSTANTLY harp on it not being a welcoming field.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Because of the attitudes of men. And I take big issue with that, because I think those fields are passion. (rants) As much as music and writing, and anything else that, like, comes from your core that you would do whether you got paid to do it or not? And that you can't discourage that. You can't say…you know, Gallileo, Copernicus, got pretty big discouragement. (Asterios laughs) When they were fucking killed for being scientists! (angry)
Maddox: Oh.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: That's a pretty big discouragement. And I think…what's that?
Maddox: No, no. That's a great point, Dick. Yeah.
Dick: And I think it's not…I don't think it's the attitudes of these men keeping women out of science, I think it's, you know, the cold mechanical parts, the sterile environment. The loneliness. The hours and hours and nights of extreme loneliness. The lack of human contact. The endless memorizing of facts and figures! The dry statistical theories! (Asterios laughs) You think…it might be any of that, or is it this guy's FUCKING shirt! (angry)
Maddox: Yeah. I think it's the T-shirt, Dick. I'm gonna play Devil's Advocate. I think it's the T-Shirt.
Asterios: You know what's kind of incredible? He's, like, not reading his off of a piece of paper. He's just riffing all of…Dick is.
Maddox: Oh yeah yeah.
Asterios: Like, to watch this is kind of mast…(stammers) Well, here's what I would say. Um…not to play Devil's Advocate, but nerd guys are the worst guys to have to deal with, period. They're creepy. They say inappropriate things. They don't smell great. I'm a huge nerd, by the way, saying this. (Maddox laughs) So, like, if you wanna say that STEM isn't a welcoming environment for women because you have to deal with nerd guys 24/7, yeah I will absolutely buy that. But, it's like, you can't use it as a crutch. People are going to pursue their dreams. And, you know, it's like, if you care enough, you'll go after it and you'll do it.
Maddox: Yeah, can I ask you guys this question? At what point…where are all these pervasive, powerful messages constantly beating down women and telling them not to enter math and science? 'Cause every fucking time I turn on the TV…
Asterios: (interjects) I know.
Maddox: Step outside, look at a billboard, see an advertisement in a magazine, all I see is "We need more women in math and science." That's all I ever fucking see! If that works, okay? If those billboards work, shouldn't the opposite also work? What if I created a billboard that says, "Hey women, stay out of math and science." 'Cause what if I just started doing that, huh? (angry) Are women just going to suddenly, precipitously drop off because I created a billboard like some dickhead and told them not to? Of course fucking not! You're gonna do whatever you want regardless of what I say or regardless of what anyone says!
Asterios: If you made that billboard, more women would enter math and science.
Dick: Out of spite, yeah!
Asterios: That's actually a pretty good way to do it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: That's the problem.
Maddox: I'm gonna start doing that! I'm gonna fix this problem with spite!
Asterios: Spite is an awesome motivator. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Dick, something in the article you said…
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: She mentioned "casual" misogyny.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay? What is misogyny? Asterios, what do you think misogyny is?
Asterios: I think…I think…
Maddox: (interjects) It's a three-word definition, by the way. Here's a hint.
Asterios: Oh. Tell me what the definition is. (laughs)
Dick: Starts with hatred.
Maddox: Yep.
Asterios: Okay. Hatred for women?
Maddox: That's it. That's the three-word definition. Hatred of women is misogyny. There is nothing casual about hatred. You either do or you don't. Like, that's not…
Asterios: (interjects) That's a good point, actually.
Maddox: It's not like this little degree. And then she said "Sexism". What do you think sexism is? What do you guys think sexism is?
Dick: Judging someone based on their gender?
Maddox: Yeah. Discrimination based on gender.
Dick: Discrimination.
Maddox: That's all it is. I'm not exactly sure how this is judging women by their gender. This T-shirt.
Asterios: Yeah. This T-shirt isn't going to stop a woman from getting a raise. This T-shirt isn't going to fire a woman because she's pregnant. Like, you know, this T-shirt isn't going to charge a woman more for health insurance. There are legitimate problems that women face, but when you complain about this T-shirt, you look like a pansy. (laughing) Like, you look like you're so weak, that like, the mere sight of a PG-13 rated T-shirt is enough to send you into a hole, and it's like, that's not good.
Maddox: Is it disrespectful, Asterios? Just, honestly asking you. Do you think it's disrespectful?
Asterios: Look. I wouldn't wear that T-shirt, especially on TV…(Maddox laughs) Like, he's being interviewed by, like, this pretty hot lady.
Dick: Oh yeah.
Asterios: And it's, like, I'm not gonna wear this T-shirt with Vampirella on it if I'm around a super hot lady. You know, but that being said, you can't…every sling and arrow can't be enough to fell you, or you're never gonna progress. So, it's like, you look like a weakling. And no one wants to hire a weakling. You know. (giggles) It's like, you know.
Dick: Well, what's the number? What is the percentage that we need to have of women in STEM before we've stomped out this casual misogyny? 'Cause I got numbers of graduates in all kinds of degrees. Like, in every different school of degree.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Business. It's about, a little more men than women in business. Engineering is a whopping 7 times more men than women?
Asterios: Oh, wow.
Dick: But then you got education. Triple the women as men. Oh, that's okay. Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Oh, no. That's natural. Because it's weird, like…
Dick: It's weird to say that women are more naturally inclined to education, but it's overtly and crazily sexist to say, "Well look, men just like being on their own tinkering with shit."
Asterios: Oh, no. No, that's not what I was saying. It's like…it's weird, like, I feel like the media makes these roles for people. And I feel like you see a lot of women teachers. I feel these things are generational shifts. Like, most of my teachers were women. It's weird. I work in the field of PR, and 90% of my coworkers are women. It's just interesting. Like, women enter PR, men enter advertising. I don't know why it works, but it is a fact.
Maddox: Well, some people argue…there's two prevailing arguments. One is that it's societal, forces societal pressures. That's what we tell women they should do, so that's what they become.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: And the other argument is that's nature. It's natural. There's something intrinsically that attracts women to these fields because they, for some biological reason, are more nurturing. And they've done a test, actually, I believe on Bonobo monkeys. Because this argument was made a long time ago. They said, "Well, let's give a bunch of babies. A bunch of kids who haven't been exposed to society. Let's give them a bunch of male and female and toys and see which ones they played with." Well, the boys overwhelmingly chose the male toys and the girls overwhelmingly chose the female toys. So feminists came by, and they said "Well, no, that study doesn't count, because they were still exposed on some level to some societal influences." So they repeated the same tests with monkeys. And guess what? The male and female monkeys who don't watch TV and aren't exposed to society and Dr. Phil, still chose the male and female toys right along gender roles. Why? I don't know. But that does happen.
Dick: Well, that's a point FOR monkeys. Monkeys aren't as big of a problem as you said before.
Maddox: Diiiiiiiick! (angry)
(Sound effect: Monkey sounds)
Asterios: It sounds like these monkeys are anti-feminist, which you guys love. They're curing this sexism thing. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: No.
Asterios: These monkeys sound great!
Maddox: No, I'm not anti-feminist. I'm anti-whatever it is today that we have. It's not feminist.
Asterios: I…that was a poor phrase.
Maddox: Yeah, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying.
Asterios: Anti-whiner.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Like, yeah. That's what you guys are.
Maddox: Anti-whiner.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly.
Maddox: Uh, Dick. Oh, I was gonna ask you. Do you happen to have the percentage of art graduates?
Dick: I do. Art and humanities is about equal. Men are…I think there's 9.4% of undergrads and women are 10.5%.
Maddox: Oh, that's interesting.
Dick: It's about equal.
Maddox: So…so…
Dick: (interjects) The big ones are…go ahead.
Maddox: Real quick. I just want to make a point on that. I was curious about the art one because it's about equal. What do they study in art when you take an art history class? What did they draw in the Renaissance? What did they paint? You guys remember what they painted in the Renaissance? (condescending, quiet tone)
Dick: Fat broads.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly.
Maddox: A bunch of naked, fat women.
Asterios: Uh, Rubenesque, please.
Maddox: Uh, Rubenesque, sure. (Asterios laughs) And did that…clearly that didn't dissuade women from entering the field. Why? Hmmm. Interesting.
Dick: Oh, I see what you're saying. So they're being insensitive towards women by painting naked women, and yet women are going into art and humanities even despite that, yet this poor guy's got half-naked women on his T-shirt, and that is somehow dissuading…
Asterios: Ahhhhhhhhh!!! (revelation)
Maddox: Yup. Exactly.
Dick: That's an interesting point. I don't know. (Maddox and Asterios laugh) I know that Kim Kardashian's gigantic ass is plastered all over Facebook and that hasn't stopped women from going on Facebook every day, so… (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Oh, God. If it only did! (Asterios laughs)
Dick: Alright.
Asterios: There's something so gross about that Kim Kardashian butt shot. It looks like her butt is made out of Crisco, or covered in Crisco.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: I know that's supposed to get me to like her butt more, but it got me to like her butt less.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I just…I think this is a shameless cash grab. This whole thing.
Asterios: Oh! It's click bait. Yes. Of course that's…
Dick: (interjects) Well, even for these organizations. Because I was like, is it about the money? First of all, they only care about women in science and engineering because they can sell it to them. They say "Here you go. You can make a lot of money doing this. We don't want you to be garbage men, 'cause there's not a lot of women…we want you to be in science and engineering." (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: And also, hey, all you tech companies? Why don't you give us some dough so you can get some good PR about encouraging women to do something they don't really want to do? (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: I uh…I agree that this article is outrage porn. It's clickbait. Someone found an angle and they took it and they probably made some money on the advertising, so I guess good for them, but it's just really cynical.
Maddox: Yeah. Interesting problem, Dick.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Good problem.
Dick: I got one more point. Uh…the median job for people with a computer degree is around 80,000$ to 100,000$ and a teacher's salary is down towards 50 grand. Look. If you can't logically get into engineering just based off of those two numbers, you're not a fucking engineer. (Asterios cracks up) I got bad news for you.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause the whole profession is based on being able to say, "Well, 100,000, that's almost double that one. I think I'm gonna go that way."
Maddox: Ooh. I'm kinda worried that these teachers are looking at those two numbers and still deciding the lower number. Which suggests, actually…I know a lot of teachers and they're really good people. They have a lot of heart. And they don't do it for the money. Uh, which suggests something else.
Dick: You might say they have a passion for it.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Which is something you have to do when you get into these jobs.
Maddox: Abso-fucking-lutely.
Dick: "Engineering Sexism". That's my problem. It just…it pisses me off, man. And can you imagine being, like, a little boy right now being into engineering and all you hear about is that women should be doing it? I don't know. Does that have an effect? Does that have any kind of effect?
Maddox: I don't think anyone should be discouraged from becoming a scientists or engineer. We need more scientists, mathematicians, engineers, period. And if you want to encourage your son or daughter to do that, good for you. But if they choose not to, then you should probably encourage what their natural path is. What inspires them. What gives them passion. And it it's not math or engineering, then stop bludgeoning them over the head. Except I am biased towards math. You should. But that aside. Asterios, welcome back to the studio.
Asterios: Hey! Thank you!
Maddox: You're the first returning guest.
Asterios: Yeah, I know! I was waiting for someone to say that. I'm…gonna put that on my fuckin' resume!
Maddox: Welcome back.
Asterios: Thank you! New LinkedIn item. First returning guest. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: So what's your problem this week?
Asterios: Um, my problem is burlesque dancers. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Whoa. How is that a problem?
Asterios: My problem is burlesque dancers. Well, to illustrate my problem, I'd love to play a game with you guys.
Dick: Yeah. Cool.
Maddox: Ookay. (skeptical)
Asterios: If you wouldn't mind queueing up the classic Biggest Problem gameshow music…
Maddox: You got it.
(Ritzy, upbeat theme starts)
Asterios: This is a little quiz I'm gonna do for you guys. It's called "Real or Fake Burlesque Performer".
Dick: Okay.
Asterios: I'm gonna name a burlesque performer and I want you to tell me if it's a real name or a fake name of a Burlesque performer.
Maddox: Mmkay.
Asterios: Alright. "April Showers".
Maddox: Oooh, uh. Is it first and last name real?
Asterios: It's a…the names are totally made up. They're Burlesque names. (Maddox laughs) She's not like, "Ahh, Wilhelmina Showers is my proper name!"
Dick: Yeah I'm gonna say that's a real Burlesque name, because the thing about Burlesque is it never turns me on…(Asterios laughs) And that name…I always think it should. Like, I'm always thinking, "Oh, I'm about to get turned on here."
Asterios: Yup.
Dick: And then I'm like "What the hell is this shit?"
Asterios: Yeah. It's like they put a governor on it.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.
Dick: And this April Showers, I'm like, "Unnnghh….is that, like, a sexual thing, or?" No. April Showers is something that happens in April.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: I'm gonna say…it's not a porno name. It's not a porn star name. So I'm gonna go with Burlesque.
Asterios: Okay.
Maddox: I'm also gonna go Burlesque. Because Showers is a nod towards golden showers, which is definitely sexual for some people. Not saying me. But for some people for sure. So I'm gonna say Burlesque, yes.
Asterios: Well I'm gonna say you're both wrong. It's fake!
Maddox: What?
Asterios: It's a fake name. Next name…Cha Cha Velour. (Maddox laughs) Cha Cha Velour.
Dick: Yeah. I'll say that's Burlesque.
Maddox: Yeah. Burlesque.
Asterios: Sorry guys, that's a fake Burlesque name. Sorry.
Dick: Alright. How about Boisterous Coconuts? (Maddox and Asterios crack up laughing)
Asterios: Real. And hot. Okay. Third name. Real or fake Burlesque name? Ki Ki St. Needs Attention. (Maddox and Dick crack up) Ki Ki St. Needs Attention. Real or fake?
Dick: Allllright. (laughing)
Maddox: You know, because of the number of syllables in that, it sounds like a Greek name. I'm gonna say yes.
Asterios: Yep.
Dick: I see what's going on here.
Asterios: Yep. You're right. It's real.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: Coco Lectric. Real or fake?
Dick: Fake.
Asterios: Coco Lectric.
Maddox: Fake.
Asterios: You're right, it's fake. Big Boobs McGee.
Maddox: Doooooooh, that's my girlfriend!! (yells!)
Asterios: Fake. Because you're girlfriend's fake.
Maddox: What?!?!
Asterios: Fanny Von Too Fat to Dance in An Actual Strip Club. (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Dick: Yep.
Asterios: That one's real.
Dick: Well I thought this game…when you said you had a game for Burlesque dancers, I thought it was gonna be, like, a guess the weight game. (Asterios laughs) That's the first thing I think of when I think Burlesque.
Maddox: Jesus.
Asterios: Yep.
Dick: Is…what's going on here?
Asterios: Yes.
Dick: Why did you…have you never seen a gym before in your life? (Asterios laughing)
Maddox: Guys! What are you talking about!? I've seen some…
Dick: (interjects) Do you not hate? Dude, I hate Burlesque dancing.
Maddox: No! I've seen some beautiful Burlesque dancers. Where are you guys going? What kind of, like, farms are you going to?
Asterios: Look. There are a lot of beautiful Burlesque dancers, but it's…there's also a lot of ones who are like…just get off the stage. What are you doing? This is gross.
Dick: Yeah. It's predominantly the carnival version of a strip club.
Maddox: What are you guys talking about?! (incredulous)
Asterios: Not every Burlesque club is Jumbo's Clown Room. If you go to, like a Burlesque night, at some point you're like, "I gotta go, I feel sick."
Maddox: Asterios, what is Jumbo's Clown Room?
Asterios: Uh…I'm actually gonna get into that a little bit later. Alright. I got two more.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Okay.
Asterios: Penelope Von Parents Gave Her Everything She Wanted So This Is The Only Way She Can Rebel. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yep.
Asterios: Real.
Dick: That's real.
Asterios: And finally, Lana St. I'm Afraid Society Will Judge Me For Exposing Myself In Public, So I'm Going to Show Everything But…and Even Though I Think I'm Subverting Gender Norms, I'm Actually Reinforcing Them With Every Twirl of My Tassels Va Va Voom. (Maddox cracks up) Real Burlesque name.
Maddox: That's a real…(laughing)
Asterios: That's a real Burlesque name!
Maddox: How do they fit that on the marquee?!
Dick: I think I've seen her.
Asterios: It's a huge marquee, much like their costumes, some of them.
Maddox: Oh, wow…you guys hate Burlesque. Wow. (laughs)
Asterios: Alright.
Dick: Yeah. I can't believe you like them.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm a fan, man. Some of them are pretty ladies.
Asterios: I'm gonna tell you guys about an actual experience I had with this Burlesque bullshit just last night. Okay?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay.
Asterios: So I'm in town because my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. And I accepted, and I planned the perfect bachelor party. Okay? First off. It's Harry Potter themed.
Maddox: Alright. (skeptical) (laughs)
Asterios: It is a Harry Potter themed party. We're all…
Dick: Whose idea was that?
Asterios: Oh, my idea.
(Sound effect: Ding!!)
Dick: Okay.
Asterios: We're all dressed head to toe as wizards. All your favorite wizards. Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Cedric Diggory…(Dick laughs)
Dick: Is this a real thing?!
Asterios: Maddox was there last night!
Maddox: I popped in!
Asterios: He saw it!
Maddox: I saw a bunch of wizards and I'm looking for Asterios, I'm like "Wow, I don't see anyone, I just see these wizards, and all of a sudden, Asterios comes up to me."
Asterios: I turn around and my big fat face is underneath the wizard hat. Hello!!!! Welcome to Gryffindor!! (booming wizard voice) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: And they did not half-ass this either.
Asterios: Nope!
Maddox: These were, like, expensive wizard costumes these guys were wearing to this Burlesque club.
Dick: So you were like Dobby.
Asterios: Yeah. The house elf. Exactly.
Maddox: (giggles) Yeah.
Dick: Alright.
Asterios: My plan, by the way, with the wizard costumes, was that the strippers would see the wizard costumes, think we were harmless, and want to go farther. (Maddox laughs) That was my plan with the wizard costumes. (laughing)
Maddox: Wow. See this stealth bomber! That's what Asterios is. He sneaks in…
Asterios: That's right. I'm a fucking sniper.
Dick: Did they think you were hiding a bunch of money under these wizard outfits or what?
Asterios: (laughs) Well, one of them grabbed one of our wizard hats and rubbed it between her two legs for a while, so that was pretty cool.
Maddox: Oh, my…wow.
Dick: Alright. That sounds like the worst case scenario.
Asterios: And then put it back on one of our heads with her feet!
Dick: Got worse. I was mistaken.
Asterios: It was pretty good.
Maddox: What are you talking about? That sounds so cool!
Asterios: It was cool, Dick. It was cool for us to dress as wizards and go to a strip club.
Dick: Oh, wow. (scoffs) (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: So. Here's the schedule of events, okay? For my ultimate bachelor party day. 10 AM to 5 PM. Universal Studios. We rode the shit out of the movies. (Maddox giggles) All your favorites. The Mummy Returns, Shrek 4D. We went on em all!! (yells) 5 PM to 7 PM. Buca Di Beppo's. (Maddox laughs) We went to Buca Di Beppo's dressed as wizards and ate like kings. Then, on my schedule from 8 PM on, it says "Assorted Strip Clubs". (Maddox giggles)
Dick: 'Cause this was a 13-year-old's birthday party up until this point.
Asterios: (laughing) Yeah, exactly! I thought we'll start out slow and then just go crazy. So…we finish our Colossal Brownie Sundae…(Maddox groans) I open it up to suggestions. I say, "We could go to the Seventh Vale or Crazy Girls", neither of which I've been to, but both did very well on Yelp.
Dick: They're great. Yep.
Asterios: Exactly. And then my good friend slash a huge asshole goes, "Strip clubs might be too high pressure. Let's go to a Burlesque club."
Dick: High pressure for what?
Maddox: High pressure?
Asterios: For lap dances. They're afraid that, like, girls would constantly be coming up to them and asking them for lap dances.
Dick: Yeah, they are. It's great. It's the only place you can go where girls come up to you and are nice. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Yeah!
Dick: It's the only place in the world except for Maddox's Facebook account (Maddox and Asterios crack up) where that happens!
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. It's amazing when you don't spend your career alienating women! (Asterios cracks up)
Dick: Ohhh, shut up! Like it happens to anybody else! (Maddox laughing)
Asterios: What was the name of the book you wrote again?!
Dick: Uh…(stammers) "Men Are Better Than Women". (Maddox and Asterios laugh) Just a little book. Just a little book. (grinning)
Maddox: Boy, I tell you what, man. The pressure I feel at a strip club.
(Sound effect: Boner "boing")
Maddox: Oh man.
Asterios: (laughing) You gotta get some relief for that pressure.
Maddox: Sure.
Asterios: But…now, I have never been to a strip club at this point and I am married and this was, like, my one chance to go to a strip club. (Maddox chortles) This was it! I had the perfect excuse: I'm the best man! I have to go to a strip club, hon! I HAVE to go! (pleading)
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Asterios: If I don't, I'll be disappointing my good friend Jeffrey!! And my asshole friend John is, like, "Let's go to Jumbo's Clown Room Burlesque Club." And I'm like "NOOOO!!!" (yelling) Like, I see my whole life falling apart in front of my eyes! (Maddox laughing) And I'm like "Guys, let's reconsider! There's no nudity at this Burlesque club! There's no friction dancing!" Everyone goes, "What's friction dancing?" (Maddox laughs) I go "Oh, right, you call them lap dances. Ahhhhhhh, I don't know what I'm talking about either!" (laughing) So we end up going to fucking Jumbo's Clown Room.
Dick: This is an epidemic, what you're talking about?
Asterios: Yes!
Dick: Guys…guys trying to opt out of strip clubs at bachelor parties. (Asterios sighs) Because I planned a bachelor party for that guy that got engaged.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And one of my…like..(stammers) at the beginning, he said, "Well you might want to check with everybody to see if they want to go to a strip club." And I said, "Well, that's one thing I'm never gonna do in my life." (Asterios cracks up) (Maddox laughs) First of all, we're definitely doing that. If you don't want to go to a strip club, you absolutely need to go to a strip club. And get over it.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: Secondly, this is my reward for planning this thing. (Asterios laughs) I deserve this for planning…for doing all this horseshit for you!!
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: That's exactly right. Anyone that does a laser tag bachelor party…mini golf bachelor party…going to Dave and Buster's…you are all pussies. You have to go to a strip club. And if you ASK someone…a lot of times they'll say 'no', and they'll be thinking 'yes' so hard. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: My friend was, like, (stammers) I'll just name him. My friend John was, like, "I don't know if Jeffrey wants to go to a strip club." I'm like, "He's a guy. He wants to go to a strip club." (Maddox giggles)
Dick: Of course.
Asterios: He may not admit it because he wants to look cool.
Dick: Yep.
Asterios: He doesn't want to look like a perv. But he wants to go to a strip club.
Dick: Right.
Asterios: Because I want to go to a strip club.
Maddox: Ahhhh. Yeah.
Asterios: But. We didn't. We end up at Jumbo's. Now listen. I want to talk about a phenomenon I call "The Quarter Inch of Purity".
Maddox: (chuckling) Okay.
Asterios: In our society, Burlesque performers are seen as intelligent, empowered women who are celebrating the female form and strippers are seen as seedy, desperate women who will do anything for a buck. What's the different between them? A quarter inch of fabric.
Maddox: Oh, interesting. Yeah!!
Asterios: A fucking quarter inch of fabric separates "experimental grad student" from "coke-addled trick baby". (Maddox laughs) A QUARTER INCH of fabric separates "Fifi Von Tease" from "Amber" no last name given, but when the red light's flashing, it's two for one dances. (Maddox laughs again) A QUARTER INCH OF FABRIC. The morality behind it is mind-boggling to me. I don't know what you guys think.
Maddox: I'm gonna surprise you guys.
Asterios: Mmm?
Maddox: I'm gonna say something that you're probably not expecting to hear from me. Dick, maybe you're the exception, 'cause you know me pretty well.
Dick: 'Kay.
Maddox: I'm pretty ambivalent towards strip clubs.
Asterios: Interesting.
Maddox: Uh, yeah…oh. I got an interesting look from Asterios over here. Because…so…I…my friend came here one time. All my friends who come out of state, especially when they come from conservative states, the first thing they wanna do is hit up those strip clubs. And they all are super excited and enthused about it, and they're like "Hey man, are you ready to go to this thing?" And I'm like, "Oh, okay." (reluctant) (Asterios laughs) And…'cause I'll go there and I don't quite know what to do. I never really get lap dances.
Asterios: Is it 'cause you're a huge cheapskate?
Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)
Asterios: Oh, well there you go!!!
Dick: That's part of it.
Maddox: No. So, I went to a strip club for a friend's bachelor party. It was something like 3:30, 4 in the morning. And this place, like, roped us along with some bullshit with, like, table service and free rides, all this other…and as soon as you get there, it's, like, a 30$ cover. We're like "Fuck you! We're outta here!"
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: And so, finally, we get in there. They're like, "It's standing room only if you don't reserve a table." So we pay to get in…we haggled them down to 10 bucks. There's no cover. It's whatever they want to charge that night.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: So we haggle them down to 10 bucks. Walk in. We're the only guys in the place. Standing room only, my ass. So we go sit down at some table. And at the time, I had a girlfriend. And she told me, "I don't care if you go to a strip club, just don't get a lap dance." And I said, "Fine", 'cause I wasn't planning on it anyway. So these girls start making a beeline towards us and we start shooting em off left and right, and there's one left, and she comes over and sits on my lap, and I tell her "Look, I know you're here for work. I'm not spending any money. So it won't hurt my feelings if you get up and go try to find another client." And she said. "Thank you for being honest."
Dick: (laugh) It won't hurt my feelings. You're letting her let you down easy? (Asterios and Maddox laugh) The ego on you. It never ceases to amaze me! Look honey, it won't hurt my feelings. You can just walk away at any time.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (Asterios laughs) Yeah. No, I think I said I won't take it personally. That's what I said.
Dick: (laughing) Like they give a fuck. (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Oh, this woman cared. Candy cared about my feelings. (grinning)
Dick: Oh man! She had you hooked! (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. (reluctant)
Dick: How much did you end up giving her?
Maddox: Oh. I walked out empty pocketed. (Asterios laughs) No, I didn't pay anything. So, anyway, at some point in the strip club, like all the guys are getting their lap dances, and it was gross, and I have some REALLY fun stories from that night. (Asterios laughs) Oh man, I have some stories. But finally, I was there so late, it was like 5 in the morning, and I fell asleep.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: And at some point, I was just exhausted. I fell asleep at a strip club. And I wake up to a lap dance.
Asterios: Oh no!
Maddox: And I thought…yeah. I thought "Oh shit, I'm gonna be in so much trouble. My girlfriend told me." And this girl's, like, grinding on me and stuff, and she finally finishes, and I thought, "Man, I'm being taken advantage of here!" 'Cause I fell asleep…that's what they do! If you fall asleep in a strip club or something, some girl's gonna come up and grind on you, say she gave you a lap dance, and then just take you for all you're worth!
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: So I…after the lap dance was finished, I reach into my pocket and pulled out a 10 and I'm like, "Sorry, this is all I have." I gave it to her and she said, "Thank you." And walked off. And I'm like, wow, I was expecting a broken knee or two. (Asterios laughs) But she walked off. And then I saw my buddy laughing. He had paid for the lap dance.
Asterios: Ahhhh!!! (laughing)
Dick: Aw.
Asterios: While you were asleep?
Maddox: While I was asleep. He thought it would be funny. And it was.
Asterios: (cracks up) That must have been a really weird thing to wake up to.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: All of a sudden, a woman you've never met.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it was weird. But anyway, I'm kind of ambivalent towards strip clubs. I don't know. Maybe I'm not horny enough for strip clubs.
Dick: I…I found a wad of ones in my dressed, like last week when I was putting stuff away. (Asterios laughs) And I…it was this GIGANTIC wad of ones. And I got it many years ago when I had a girlfriend, who, unlike Maddox, I don't bring up the strip club subject at all. I just do it and then lie about it. (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: They don't need to know!
Dick: They don't need to know everything. They don't need to know why I'm going. They don't need to know what I'm doing there. So I left with a shitload of ones, 'cause I think I got kicked out for climbing on the stage…(Asterios cracks up)
Asterios: Goddamn it. (laughing)
Dick: I left with so many ones that I couldn't get rid of them.
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: Like, I went straight from the strip club, I took a plane back home, I got out, and she was picking me up at the airport, so I was like, "Shit, I gotta get rid of these ones." (Asterios laughs) 'Cause she's gonna, like…you know.
Asterios: Right, of course.
Dick: I've got a softball of one-dollar bills. So I hid them and I planned to spend them, like, a couple at a time like the Shawshank Redemption? (Asterios laughs) Like, to get rid of this mountain of evidence? And then I guess I forgot about that plan. We broke up, and several years later, I found this stack of ones, and was like "Well, I gotta take these to a strip club now." (Maddox and Asterios crack up)
Asterios: It's the only place that accepts one-dollar bills!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Take it back home.
Dick: This is a sign.
Maddox: That's funny. So what…did you end up at this Burlesque place?
Asterios: Yeah, look. So we're at the Burlesque place for four and a half hours. It's fun for the first hour and then it's super duper boring. Um, I…I wanna say this, though. I feel like there's this weird moral purity - the dividing line between stripper and Burlesque dancer I feel is really strong. And I feel like it's weird. Like, when a woman chooses not to show her breasts in a Burlesque performance, the message she's sending is that nudity is wrong. The natural form is something to be ashamed of. You know who else wants women covered up all the time? Terrorists. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yep.
Asterios: That's who wants women covered up all the time. Am I saying Burlesque dancers are terrorists? I'll let you be the judge, but yes, absolutely. (Maddox laughs) They're fucking terrorists. Strippers…
Dick: (interjects) They'll terrorize a salad bar, that's for sure. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Asterios: Yes, the croutons had it…
(Sound effect: "Ding!")
Asterios: I want to…look. You guys may agree with me or disagree with me, but strippers at least have the integrity to embrace their career fully. For that, they should be celebrated with Dick's dollar bills stuffed into G-strings or with champagne served in rooms called Champagne Rooms where there's no champagne and just lap dances. We should be honoring the stripper. The Burlesque dancer, I feel, is somewhat that should be mocked, made to feel small, and destroyed. (Maddox and Dick laugh) Am I the only one who thinks this?
Dick: No. I'm 100% on board with this. I hate Burlesque. It's a tease.
Asterios: Yeah. Exactly! I wanna say just a couple more things. I…Burlesque dancers hide what they do behind affectation. Behind, like, (whiny female voice imitation) "Ooh, I'm old timey. I'm dressed like a gun mall. My name's Belle Von Bang Bang."
Dick: Right.
Asterios: Like, layer after layer designed to mentally separate what they do from what the stripper does. Separate. Like apartheid. (Maddox and Dick crack up) It's gotta fucking stop. It's gotta stop, guys!!!
Maddox: Wow. Boisterous. I didn't expect you to tie this to so many contemporary problems and also apartheid. Terrorism, apartheid, what else you got? Have you got a Martin Luther King reference in there?
Asterios: Well, I have a dream! (Maddox cracks up) I have a dream where my child can grow up in a world where she can choose to be a stripper if she wants to and if she's hot enough.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Asterios: A world free of judgment and clothing! So rise up! Rise up, Burlesque dancers, and free yourselves from the shackles that are your boyshorts! Free yourselves from the shackles of your Star Wars-themed belly shirts and your Dr. Who-themed double Dalek bras! Rise up and strike a blow for equality!! (yelling)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Bravo, Asterios! That was actually beautifully done.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Incredible. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Dick: What's your problem?
Maddox: My problem, guys, is "Facebook".
Dick: Aw, gee. (laughs) Horseshit!! I'm calling horseshit already!
Maddox: I haven't even said anything!! (yelling)
Dick: Facebook is so big and enormous.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It could be anything to anybody.
Maddox: Well, my button's on the H-bomb, baby. I got it right here. Alright? I'm gonna…
Dick: This is a vote grab, pure and simple.
Maddox: Ohhhh!! (laughing) It's not a vote grab.
Asterios: Does that mean that you agree with him, though?
Dick: This is a fuckin' land grab!
Asterios: That means that you think he's got a point!
Maddox: Yeah. So I don't even have to finish. I already won.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah. Here's the problem with Facebook. Alright? First of all. Facebook has become the world's largest repository of linkbait, links to Buzzfeed, Upworthy, Mashable, Distractify. That's another new one. Have you guys seen Distractify?
Asterios: No, but I'm pretty sure I know what it is. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. Based on the name. It's just become a conduit to content aggregation mills. It's separating content aggregation by one step. So you're going to this place just to see another place that points to links to other places. (angry)
Asterios: Oh. I'd like to point out that that's true. I don't go to blogs anymore.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Like, I don't go…I used to go to "Ain't It Cool News" all the time, and this, and that. I used to go to all these blogs all the time. I don't do that anymore. I just see what my friends link to on Facebook and that's how I get my news. And that is weird, actually, that it's so…it's like the information I consume is now filtered through a corporation.
Maddox: It is!
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: And it's really scary, because Facebook supposedly is for Net Neutrality, and yet, they control…I read this statistic awhile back, around 40%, 34% to 40% of all traffic on the Internet goes to Facebook?
Dick: Mm.
Asterios: Oh yeah, that's right!
Maddox: Yeah! So…so…34% to 40% is being filtered through Facebook's algorithmic choosing. So all these old websites you mentioned a long time, Asterios, like Ain't It Cool News, say, The Best Page In The Universe...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You know. I-Mockery.com. All these websites. All these independent blogs that used to exist and some still do, obviously. Um, people found them organically just through searches or through links on other websites. But now, all these other websites have to have a Facebook presence, including my own.
Asterios: Mhmm.
Maddox: I have about 145,000 followers on Facebook. Right? So if I post a link to an article on my website, you would expect that to go out to about 145,000 people, wouldn't you? But instead, it goes out to maybe 20, 30, 40,000 if you're lucky. Because Facebook wants these page owners to pay to reach their own fans!
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: They have turned everybody into an advertiser. There's no longer any such thing as organic reach on Facebook. And when Mark Zuckerberg recently did a Q&A in a Town Hall-style meeting, the number one question everyone asked him is, "Why don't you re-enable organic reach?" Because Facebook has this shitty business model that they're cramming down everyone's throats.
Asterios: Yeah. I'd like to point out just real quick…my friend…
Dick: (interjects) Can I say…I'm sorry! (loud) There's the problem! Not Facebook! (Asterios laughs) But what you just said. You fuckin'…you sidewinder!!
Maddox: (laughing) I got more, Dick.
Dick: You trickster! No you don't!
Maddox: Yes, I do.
Dick: This is what you're pissed off about! Sorry.
Maddox: I got a whole fuckin' page of shit! (angry)
Dick: I'm sorry Asterios. Go ahead.
Maddox: What, Asterios?
Asterios: No! Look, I just wanted to say that my friend…he runs a website. It's called http://www.actionfiguretherapy.com. I want to give him this plug because Facebook fucked his small business. He used to get a lot of organic reach. His articles would always get seen on people's news feeds. But Facebook won't show his articles unless he buys a shitload of ads. There's apparently, like, some number you have to hit. Like, he has to buy x, y, and z amount of Facebook advertising or he's just not gonna show up in people's feeds. So now he has to spend money to be seen to make money and it's really hurting his business.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Yeah. It's…there's a video on YouTube called "The Problem With Facebook". It's actually by a buddy of mine who runs this channel, Veritasium. He did this interesting study about Facebook and he looked at…well, it's not quite a study. He just looked at the Facebook business model and found that it's turned everyone into advertisers, so their motives are not aligned. On YouTube, content creators get a portion of the advertising revenue, and Google also makes a portion of that advertising revenue. So all of their motivations are in alignment. But on Facebook, they're not. Facebook is trying to get money out of you. They're basically using the Geocities model, which is a failed model. Every time a website on Geocities, back in the day, got a burst of traffic, Yahoo would shut down that website and say, "You need to pay us extra money."
Dick: Oh, really?
Asterios: Ohhh, God.
Dick: I didn't know that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: For bandwidth, or some shit.
Maddox: For bandwidth! That's why…so Yahoo, rather than just simply monetize the traffic that's already come to their fucking website, they'd shut it off so nobody would see this amazing content…
Dick: Right.
Maddox: …Until they squeezed a couple of dimes out of the poor kid in someone's basement. That's why…that's how I started out. Just some kid in my parent's basement. Literally. I am the cliché Internet guy. I was 16 years old when I started my website in my parent's basement. If that happened to me, I would have never gotten this far. I would have been just another one of these websites that were shut down and that's exactly what Facebook's doing to kids all around the world today by eliminating organic reach. But that's not even the biggest problem. I decided one day to experiment with paying for this organic reach…inorganic reach, rather. And I decided, "You know, I'll check out this sponsored content." You just have to pay, and pay, and pay to reach people, and there's no guarantee you'll ever reach them, and there's an ENORMOUS of fraud, click fraud, that goes on with Facebook. These…there's a bunch of…
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, right.
Maddox: Yeah! There's a bunch of Nigerian scammers and people in Indonesia who have set up these click farms that just go through and click on everything in Facebook to inflate those numbers artificially.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: Those clicks mean nothing. They give you nothing. They don't return any results.
Asterios: Yeah. It was some ridiculous percentage like 20% or 40% of, like, all clicks are fake or something like that? Yeah. It was ridiculous.
Maddox: Yeah. Here's another problem with Facebook. They customize your news feed algorithmically. So, let's say you, God forbid, click on an article to, oh, I don't know, Breitbart, or the Huffington Post, or Salon, or Newmax, right? They might think, "Oh, well this guy's a liberal or a conservative." And that's ALL they'll ever fucking show you!!! (yells)
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: They'll create an echo chamber of your own opinions!!
Asterios: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: I wanna point this out, though. Counterpoint. Facebook allows us to look at pictures of hot chicks that we went to college with.
Dick: There we go. Counterpoint. 'Cause your topic's so fucking big! (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. Like, if…I don't do this personally, because my wife…trails off…but you know, if one WERE to…(Maddox giggles)
Dick: Okay. I…I do this.
Asterios: Oh, Dick! You do what?! Oh, so creepy!
Dick: That's what Facebook is for! Hitting on hot friends of your friends.
Asterios: That's exactly what it's for!
Maddox: Ohhhh.
Asterios: It's for leaving comments on their walls!
Dick: Fuck little kids! Fuck kids in their mom's basement writing satirical articles! If I can hit on hot broads of my friends, that's a win! That's a net positive, asshole!
Maddox: Really?
Asterios: And if that 16-year-old could hit on hot girls, he wouldn't have to write comedy articles! He'd be going out and having a wonderful life! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yeah! And if that 16-year-old didn't write those fucking articles, neither of you two bozos would be listened to by ANYONE right now!! (yelling) (Dick laughs)
Asterios: Oh my God. He's got us! (Maddox and Asterios laugh)
Maddox: Brought it home, boys! Alright, so listen to this. It creates an environment where people thrive on validation. These like, like, like like. Everybody like my status update. So, people…
Asterios: Wait, but you didn't response to our argument at all!
Maddox: Oh, the college…
Asterios: Haven't you ever picked up a girl solely on Facebook?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Have you ever NOT picked up a girl on Facebook?
Asterios: Exactly. Tell us about it! (Maddox cracks up) Yeah! Isn't that all you do? Like…I mean, come on!! (Maddox and Dick crack up) How many…you know what? Pull out your ancient crank phone right now that probably has a bunch of fucking duct tape on it…
Maddox: Fuck you. (laughing)
Asterios: Let me see your Facebook messages! How many
Maddox: I'll pull it up right now!
Dick: How many girls on your phone have the last name "Facebook?" (Maddox and Asterios crack up)
Asterios: Exactly!!
Maddox: All of them. No, but here's the thing.
Asterios: That's a good thing!
Maddox: No.
Dick: That's a good thing.
Maddox: Yeah. No, no, no, no. Look, uhh…Facebook…(stammers) Facebook is not this bastion of dating you make it out to be. First of all, Dick, you do it in the creepiest way. (Dick laughs) You do troll through your friend's feeds…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!
Maddox: And their friend's lists looking for girls…
Dick: I message all of them.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, like a fucking creep, which is super creepy.
Asterios: It's a numbers game!!! (yells)
Dick: It's a numbers game, man.
Maddox: You fucking losers!
Dick: Numbers game.
Maddox: You guys are in Losertown over here! What are you, just, like, hitting up any random chick and just hoping for a little piece of meat…
Dick: Okay, Casanova over here, right? (Asterios cracks up) Writes some of this, like, big personalized love paragraph.
Maddox: Yeah…no, no, no, no.
Asterios: How many, like, templates do you have? (Dick laughs) Where you just, like, copy, past, replace "place we met", replace "name", replace "time of day". Send. (laughing)
Maddox: You know…I don't need SHIT from two people who fucking get off on going to strip clubs! Who cares?! You guys are…(angry)
Asterios: Actually, I didn't go to a strip club. I went to a Burlesque club, and that's the fucking problem!! I didn't get to go to a strip club! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Burlesque. You know what? You know what? Here's an argument. Here's a torpedo for you. (angry) I wasn't gonna torpedo your problem Asterios, but now I'm all worked up!
Asterios: Nah, forget it…ahhhhhh!! My hull is indestructible!!!
Maddox: (laughs) Ahh, okay, this is going right in your hole, not in your hull! (Maddox and Asterios crack up) Yeah. So here's why Burlesque clubs exist. They serve full alcohol, buddy. You can see chicks as naked as they're gonna get AND you can drink as much as you want.
Asterios: But they don't get naked. They're just in their bras and panties.
Maddox: Exactly. And that…
Asterios: I can get drunk BEFORE I go to the strip club!
Maddox: Mmmyeaah…(skeptical)
Asterios: What do you mean, mmyeah?!!? (yells) There's an entire industry around that!! (Maddox laughs) You take a party bus to a strip club. You get hammered on the bus, you hop out of the bus, you go to the strip club.
Dick: And it's also California-specific, there, pal. I don't know if you wanna explain those laws…
Maddox: What, the…
Dick: (interjects) Those California laws to everybody.
Maddox: The alcohol? No, it's everywhere! In Utah, it was like that! They didn't serve alcohol!
Dick: No. (laughs) (scoffs) Utah.
Asterios: Yeah!
Dick: Utah. Where anything goes.
Maddox: In Oregon…
Dick: (interjects) In the rest of the country, you can drink and get naked.
Maddox: No. Some places yeah, some places no. It's different state to state.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway, guys. Nobody…
Dick: (interjects) So there's a bias on Facebook.
Maddox: There is a bias on Facebook. Listen. Here's the other thing. I am so fucking tired. You guys have seen these status updates, 'cause I know we have some of the same mutual friends. Of how blessed you are.
Asterios: Ohhh.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I am so fucking tired of hearing how blessed everyone is all the fucking time. Blessed, blessed, blessed. I'm so blessed, guys.
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: I wanna point out that anytime someone tells me they got a "call back" or they just got cast with two lines in fucking Californication, or x or y or z, I wanna smash my computer! Like, that is a problem with Facebook that, like, the minorest accomplishment you write eight paragraphs about and get a million likes on and it's disgusting.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Well, you misers, uh…(Maddox and Asterios laughs) Thank God Facebook, in its infinite wisdom, has given us the power to block these things. So…one point against Facebook, one point for Facebook.
Maddox: No, it doesn't work, dude. I…every time I see a BuzzFeed link pop up on Facebook, I click hide, hide, hide. Always fucking hide.
Asterios: Oh yeah, yeah. I can't deal with it.
Maddox: And it never hides it.
Asterios: I can't do it.
Maddox: Because, guess what, that's also…
Asterios: (interjects) I try to.
Maddox: Yeah. That's also contrary to their business model, because if those clients pay Facebook for sponsored content, they're gonna shove it in your fucking face, buddy. 'Cause they're gonna put the corporate interest over yours every single time!
Dick: As they should. (laughing)
Maddox: No.
Asterios: There used to be a button…
Dick: (interjects) They have to make money!
Maddox: No, they…then they should do it in a way that other people have done it!
Dick: How? How should Facebook make money if they're not doing this? (grins)
Maddox: I don't know, man!
Asterios: With advertising!
Dick: Sell T-shirts?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Sell Facebook T-shirts all over the internet? (grins)
Asterios: (giggles) They have plenty of advertising. Unblockable advertising, by the way.
Dick: Their advertisements are so targeted, they can't make as much money as they can with Google, though.
Asterios: But no, targeting means you can make more money, because you're reaching out to specific consumers. If I want to advertise my comic book blog and I'm only advertising it to comic book fans, aren't…isn't that a more valuable ad?
Dick: (sighs) How much are you gonna pay for those ads?
Asterios: Well, I'm not paying shit. (laughs)
Dick: There you go. (laughs)
Maddox: You know, they should charge…maybe it should be the same type of business model that already fucking works. They're not trying to reinvent capitalism here. (Dick laughs loudly) If big corporations are coming along, like Nike, has deep pockets. They should charge them more for the reach for their fans than they should, like Bozo XYZ running I-Mockery.com. Like, who cares? We don't have any money. Come on.
Asterios: Counter. Counter.
Dick: It might be the craziest thing I've heard you say. What?
Asterios: Counterpoint. My grandma's on Facebook and it's adorable. For my birthday, she posted…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, Dick's probably hit on her.
Dick: Yeah, probably.
Asterios: For my birthday, she posted, like, "Happy Birthday, grandson. Love and God's blessings, Grandma." (Maddox laughs) It touched my heart and I remember I started thinking, like, "Oh my God, this technology is so simple that my grandma, who grew up in Portugal, who worked in a watch factory her whole life, can, like, understand it and use it to reach me. I remember just thinking at the time, "This is the cutest thing I've ever seen."
Maddox: Maybe she's a digital cyber demon. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Dick: The touching warmth of a loved family member that you would never be able to speak to in the past. Facebook has given you that. Versus Maddox is annoyed at BuzzFeed articles. (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Alright, Dick. (sighs, exasperated)
Asterios: I feel like there's a lot of good points to Facebook! I feel like, yeah, there is a bunch of shitty things they do, but there's a lot of good it does too!
Dick: It connects everyone on the planet. The purpose of technology, to bring us together. Facebook does it.
Maddox: No, it fucking doesn't, Zuckerdick!! (angry, yelling) (Asterios cackles) It fucking doesn't! It fucking doesn't! It makes you feel more alone, more isolated, because what Facebook does, is it creates an environment where you thrive on validation. All you crave is "likes" on your status update. Your day can go up and down based on how many "likes" you get and it disincentivizes unpopular opinions!!
Dick: You need to see a psychiatrist. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: (laughs) What are you…what are you talking about?!
Dick: You should not care about likes that much!
Maddox: No!! They've done studies and they've found that you get depressed if you don't get more likes and you get these dopamine bursts. That's why Facebook works. Because people post status updates, so they get validation, and then they continue down that path of validation. They realize, "Oh, this outrage-type article I'm gonna post about a guy wearing a bowling shirt who landed a satellite on a meteor, on an asteroid out in space…that outrage article got a whole bunch of likes, so I'm gonna continue down that path of outrage and outrage and outrage and that's all you ever fucking get from that person until you gotta fucking hide them! (Dick laughs)
Asterios: It turns us all into, like, Morton Downey Jrs, doesn't it?
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: How fucking interesting is that?
Dick: Explain that.
Asterios: Uh, it turns us all into, like, loudmouths who are constantly shouting superstrong opinions just to get people's attention. I know nothing about that! I don't relate.
Dick: Oh, whaaaaaaaaat?
Maddox: So there's this article…there's a website called http://www.waitbutwhy.com and there's an article…I hate list articles, but this was so well done, I have to bring it in. It's called "7 Ways to Be Insufferable on Facebook". (Asterios cracks up) Have you guys heard this?
Asterios: No. (laughing)
Maddox: It's a really well-written article. So, here are the seven ways. "Number One, Bragging Status Updates". So this is all I ever see. These seven status updates I'm about to read to you are all I ever see on Facebook. "It's the type of status update that starts out with something like "I'm living the best life." "Guess who's got an awesome job." "Guess where I'm travelling?" "Guess what celebrity I'm with?" Or you get the humble brags, things like, "Man, the keg backstage at this concert has run dry."
Dick: Cool. I'm happy when my friends are having a good time.
Maddox: Yeah, no…(stammers) get out of here, Dick! (Asterios laughs)
Dick: Isn't everyone who isn't a total prick?!
Maddox: Yeah. (Asterios still laughing) Says a guy whose name is "Dick". So, number two, you get the other kind of insufferable status update. "Cryptic Cliffhangers".
Asterios: Ohh, God, I hate that!
Dick: Oh man.
Maddox: Yeah. "That's it guys! I've had it with today!", but they'll end it there. Right?
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: They want the attention. They're craving that attention, but they're just gonna leave you hanging, like you're just, like hanging off of their every word waiting for them to give you a little nugget of how BAD their day was. Tell us! Tell us how bad your day was.
Asterios: The one…oh, please.
Dick: I've hit on a lot of girls with that status. (grins)
Maddox: I know, Dick. You're fucked. You're fucked!
Asterios: That's a great time to get 'em! They're so vulnerable!
Dick: Oh yeah. They answer back immediately. (grins)
Asterios: Good man.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Oh man.
Asterios: I aspire to be more like Dick.
Dick: (giggles) Thank you.
Asterios: I wanna say my least favorite status update is (sighs) "Leaving Facebook for a while."
Maddox: (laughs) Yeah.
Asterios: You know, "Reach me on my cell if you're my real friend."
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Asterios: It's just like, "Fuck you." You want attention out of this attention machine that you say you hate. It's just like, "Shut the fuck up".
Maddox: Yeah. It's the nuclear attention grab.
Asterios: Yes! Exactly!
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Asterios: (whiny voice) Please come back to Facebook! Waaah!!
Maddox: And then, of course, there are the Literal Status Updates. "Hey guys, going to the gym." Or "Finally taking a break to get some dinner." (Asterios laughs) Thanks for the update! Nobody gives a fuck! Not even your mom cares! Come on.
Dick: Speaking of moms. Facebook has removed the need to call your parents so often and talk to them, 'cause they can just follow you on Facebook.
Asterios: Do your parents follow you on Facebook!?
Dick: Yeah. Of course.
Asterios: Oh. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: Another win in the Facebook column.
Asterios: Actually, lemme follow that up with something else adorable. (Dick laughing) So, my mom loves playing Candy Crush and she will text me at 4 AM sometimes and be, like, "Can you send me a life so I can keep playing Candy Crush?"
Maddox: Yeah sounds like she needs…
Asterios: (interjects) And I will do it. I'll be like, "Absolutely." (Maddox laughs) You've given me so much, the least I can do is give you a Candy Crush life so you can keep playing. And it's this connection that my mom and I have forged over video games that I would not have known about if it wasn't for Facebook, and I also think it's super adorable.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. I used to…I used to do that with moms back in the day on Yahoo Games and it was just fine.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: And you know what was beautiful about it? They weren't following me. (Asterios cracks up) I could post about going to a Burlesque club or a strip club or I can post about how shitty my opinions are.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And I don't have to worry about alienating my work colleagues, my real life friends, my family. They don't have to know. In fact, they can check it out on this website, called "The Best Page In The Universe." (Asterios laughs) And I know…I know I don't have to worry about my closest friends and family getting offended. They don't have to see my shitty opinions, 'cause I never post them on Facebook. But people who don't have the luxury of having a website where they can put their shitty opinions like me? Can't. And they have their parents following them, like Dick.
Dick: Well, that's false actually. Because Facebook lets you make groups of your friends that you can choose to selectively share your status updates with. I think someone who, like, builds their own computer, would take the time to construct these lists. (grins)
Maddox: I have. And it is painstaking. It is so gruelingly difficult!
Asterios: Oh God. You know what? Look. Actually, I'm on both of your sides on this one. I have, like, a list for my work mates. I have a list for my family. I have a list for my humorless family.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: I have two separate family lists, 'cause some of them can take a joke and some of them can't. But there's always that one person that you forgot to add to the list.
Maddox: Right.
Asterios: And you post that one political thing. And then it's like, "Oh shit. I forgot to add my uncle to the Family list." And now every time I go to Christmas, he's like, "So you think global warming is real, huh? Well let me give you 800 facts about why it's not." (Dick laughs) It's like. "AHH, GODDAMNIT FACEBOOK, you fucked me!!"
Maddox: Yep. (laughing) That always happens. Invariably happens. I have alienated some of my own family members.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause I have this…I have someone in my family who's VERY anti-gay marriage, so I confronted her about it one time, just once, and I just asked her, "Hey, if you're trying to strengthen marriage, why aren't you opposed to divorce?"
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: And, you know, that shut the conversation down. But…
Dick: (interjects) You know, you guys, I think you should just think about the things you're gonna say before you say 'em.
Asterios: I don't want to! (whines)
Dick: If it's true, and if it's kind, and if it's…I'm trying to remember this stupid acronym that I saw on Facebook. (grinning)
Asterios: Oh God. Oh God. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's like…(laughs) "Think before you say everything", and it's got a dumb adjective for every letter. Sorry, go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah. It would save me so much time if you did that on this podcast. (they all crack up) So, here's another one. Another type of insufferable status update. "The Inexplicably Public Private Message". "I miss you. When are we going to hang out?" On someone's wall so everybody sees it. You see that communication pop up in your news feed. "Having a great weekend with my two girls, July and Emily, at the cabin. Love my girls! #funtimes".
Asterios: Dick, have you messaged July and Emily yet?
Dick: No. I'm gonna write them down.
Asterios: Oh, good.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic) Um, "The Oscar Acceptance Speech". (Asterios laughs) This is the type of status updates I was referring to, the first. "2012 was a biggg year for me. I left my amazing job at NBC to move back to Chicago. I started dating my angel, Jaime Holland. I started yoga (thanks Jake Fisher & Jonah Perlstein!). I wrote an album with Matthew Johannson. Wrote another album I'm proud of. I got to hang with Owen Wilson, and worked with Will Ferrell on an amazing project. I drank the best orange juice I've ever had."
Asterios: That's a real status update?
Maddox: Yeah, that's a real status update. (Asterios shudders) That's paraphrased from this website, but yeah, that's a real status update.
Asterios: I got the douche chills.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: That's rough shit.
Maddox: I get that ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Asterios: Yeah, me too.
Maddox: And then it always talks about how fucking blessed they are! I don't give a shit! I've hidden people just because they say they're blessed all the time! It makes me wanna barf! Um..(laughing) Number Six…
Asterios: I've hidden so many people that it's just my grandma now.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: And she talks about how blessed she is, and I'm like, "You are blessed, Grandma. I love you." (Maddox laughs) "And God loves you too." (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Asterios, that is so adorable. Uh, Number Six is the "Incredibly Obvious Opinion". So, something terrible happens, like the Boston Marathon bombing or something, or you know, even if…remember when New York had a black out a little while back, a couple of years ago? All these people started flooding Facebook with comments for people on New York who couldn't fucking read them! (Asterios cracks up) 'Cause they are in a blackout, you FUCKING APES! (yells) They would say things like, "My thoughts and prayers for everyone suffering from the blackout in New York." Wow, I'm sure they'll appreciate in four days when their power comes back on, you moron. When they get on Twitter. (angry, ranting) Do you think that matters to anyone!? It's not…and that status update is not about people suffering from a blackout. That's about you. YOU want to seem like somebody who cares! You want to seem like somebody who is in it!
Dick: Yeah, but it's just…they would say that to their friends if they were together with them.
Maddox: No they wouldn't!!! You wouldn't phrase it this way!! You wouldn't say, "Hey guys! (clears throat) Attention! My thoughts and prayers are with the people in New York who are suffering from a blackout." If someone said that to me, they wouldn't finish it, 'cause they'd have to talk through my first in their mouth! (Dick cracks up)
Asterios: You know, if they weren't saying it on Facebook, they would say it on MySpace. (Maddox laughs) Or they would say it on Friendster. Like, a lot of this shit isn't a problem with Facebook. It's that people are douches.
Dick: That's a good point, Asterios. It has nothing to do with Facebook. Facebook isn't the problem.
Maddox: Face…well, yeah. (stammers) Well, if MySpace was bigger, that's what this problem would be. If it was any…Friendster, if it was…whatever it was, I would be talking about that today, but it's Facebook, unfortunately. And then the final type of douche status update...(giggles) (Asterios giggles) Is "The Steps Towards Enlightenment".
Dick: Uh-huh. (grinning)
Maddox: Like, when people talk about, "Hey guys, I've had this epiphany, or they'll start quoting quotes from Buddha, or Jesus, or Martin Luther King, or Dahlai Llama, or whatever the fuck it is! It's some inspirational fucking quote that they're SHOVING down your throat, all the time. 'Cause they are enlightened. And what that is, again, is not about helping you, it's about seeming cool. And seeming like they have it together. That's what that is.
Asterios: Dick. Dick, please go fuck those girls. (Dick laughs) For all the married guys like me who can't do it! (Maddox sighs, exasperated) That's, like, a big flashing target.
Dick: Yeah!
Asterios: That's like when a Star Fox villain's head is glowing and it's, like, "I'd better shoot that head!"
Dick: Oh, yeah. Right here.
Maddox: So, so…all the motivations for these types of status updates, they boiled them down to these five motivations. Number One is Imagecrafting. Nobody posts the real slice of their life on Facebook. Or very few people do. It's always imagecrafting. They're creating a super-edit of your life where everything is cool and awesome and you're having fun all the time!
Dick: Yeah, but that's like a scrapbook, also. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. But the difference is…(laughs) The difference is, scrapbook stays…(Dick and Asterios crack up)
Dick: I mean…when, like, you go over to Grandma's house, and she's like. "Do you wanna check out this scrapbook?" (laughs) Do you start screaming at her? "THIS IS NOT AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION!!" (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: "This is selective editing! Where's grandpa's stroke?!" (Maddox and Dick crack up) How come that doesn't have any pages?!?!
Dick: How come there's no pictures of you taking a shit!?!? (Maddox and Asterios laugh)
Maddox: Yeah! You don't have to see that shit! It's hidden in Grandma's closet. If Facebook was hidden there, I'd be fucking happy.
Dick: Well, it is. It's a computer. (grinning) Just stop going to it.
Maddox: Yeah. Can't help it, it's the only way people go to websites! (Asterios laughs) It's the only way you can get traffic anymore, 'cause it's ubiquitous! Everyone's on it, all the fucking time!
Asterios: Google does the same shit, though. Like, Google controls what you see.
Maddox: No. No, no. It's totally different. Google does, but it's based…
Asterios: (interjects) I agree that Facebook is much worse…
Maddox: Yeah. Google at least does it in an algorithmic way that drives traffic to your website if people think it's worth clicking on. And they do that by linking to it and creating these actual networks. These pathways on the Internet to your website, and the stronger those connections are, the more trustworthy the website is. There's a lot of factors that go into Google. It's totally different than Facebook.
Dick: Tubes. They're like big tubes.
Maddox: Oookay, Dick.
Dick: The stronger the tube is…
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: A whole series of them, in fact.
Maddox: I got a tube for you.
Asterios: It's like a big truck.
Maddox: Yeah, (giggles) Thanks guys.
Dick: I heard you.
Maddox: Yeah. Thanks. (giggles) Narcissism. That's another motivation for Facebook. Opinionated, bloviating, like your insights and philosophies on life matter.
Asterios: Unlike podcasts. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) Well, here's…
Asterios: (interjects) The purest form of expression!
Maddox: Well, here's how you know when your opinions matter. When people listen to them. Okay? If they're not clicking "like", if they're not posting comments on Facebook, you should probably stop. No one cares. Uh…(giggles) wow. The room got really quiet on that one.
Asterios: Well, that's kind of sad, isn't it. That resonates with me, because it's like, sometimes I'll post a tweet or a Facebook thing and it won't get a bunch of likes, and I will have thought it's funny, and then I will delete it.
Maddox: Oh, there you go. So you're…validation is changing your content!
Asterios: I know! I…look, I'm saying I agree with that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: It's like…it's dumb. It's stupid. It makes me weaker as an artist. But at the same time, I do it. And I'm not proud of it.
Maddox: Yeah. You know what, Asterios, I'm right there with you. I've done it too.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: I've posted things and I think, "Well, nobody liked that one. I gotta delete it." 'Cause you want…
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah. I guess it wasn't good!
Maddox: Yeah!
Asterios: And it's, like, well what about MY opinion?
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: But it doesn't matter anymore, because I can't quantify my opinion.
Maddox: It doesn't matter. No, you can't. And you get that instant validation. And you get those dopamine spikes and you get depressed when they don't get that validation.
Asterios: Yeah. Today, a buddy of mine retweeted a tweet I wrote and it got me, like, all these new followers, and every five minutes, I'm checking my phone. I'm, like, ooh, how many do I have now? It's like…it's like a fucking slot machine!
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: Which is also based on those dopamine hits, of like, "Oh, we'll give you a little bit, we'll give you a little bit, we'll take, we'll take, we'll take."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Man, if you guys had to lose votes as often as I do on this show, I think you'd kill yourselves. (Asterios and Maddox crack up) I don't give a fuck. Like me, don't like me, I don't give a shit. I'll leave it up.
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: You seem to give a shit at the beginning of every episode. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: You mind that you lost and you flip the fucking table! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Asterios…
Asterios: (interjects) How many of these tables have you bought?! (Dick laughs) This one has a hole punched through it!
Maddox: Asterios, you still don't understand. Nothing Dick says matters. (Dick cracks up)
Dick: That's a good point actually, right. (Maddox laughing)
Asterios: He's made of pure insincerity.
Maddox: (giggles) Yes he is. The final two…Attention Craving is one other status update. That's the friend of yours who is saying, "Hey guys, I'm leaving Facebook forever. Text me if you care about me."
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: Um, then Jealousy-Inducing. That's the…that has to do with imagecrafting.
Dick: Jealousy inducing?
Maddox: Yeah. Those are the ones where you're always posting pictures of you at the club, or at a pool, or whatever. I never post…
Dick: (interjects) Did Hannibal Lecter write this list?
Maddox: No.
Dick: It's very negative! (Asterios laughs) What about, like, wanting to bond with people over similar experiences? Is that not on there?
Maddox: They said that the only type of unannoying Facebook status…so there are some unannoying Facebook status updates. Here's what they define them as. Anything…they can be one of two things. They need to be either interesting and informative or they need to be funny, amusing, or entertaining. That's the only type of status update that they thing is unannoying on Facebook.
Dick: Who's "they"? A bunch of robots?
Maddox: No. The article…(Asterios laughs) The author of this article.
Asterios: Haven't you become real life friends with people over social media?
Maddox: Oh yeah. I've made some of my best friends in real life just people I met.
Asterios: Well, then..exac…that's the thing. That's one of the things Facebook gives us. That's the way we do it now.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But I used to do it before without that. It just…it worked just fine.
Asterios: Yeah, but it's Facebook now. You used to listen to the radio and then you watched TV! Like…time has moved on!
Dick: You fucked up. You made your problem too broad! (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: If your problem was this algorithm thing…
Dick: (laughing) Yeah.
Asterios: Like, "Facebook's Fucking Over Content Creators and Small Businesses".
Dick: Yep. Yep.
Asterios: I would be COMPLETELY on board.
Dick: Or "Facebook Narcissism". That's another good one.
Asterios: I would hate that! (yelling)
Maddox: Yeah. Wait, what.
Dick: Or. Or, "Maddox is Addicted to Facebook".
Maddox: What.
Dick: That would be a big thing. That would be a big problem.
Maddox: Oh, the like thing? Nah. I've actually…
Asterios: "Like Culture". You could call it like that.
Dick: "Like Culture".
Asterios: Exactly.
Maddox: I actually did a talk in New York for Internet week, um, a couple of years ago. And they brought me out to talk about this very subject. The name of the talk, I think was, "Is Validation Changing Content on the Internet?" and it absofuckinglutely is.
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: It's…it makes us censor ourselves. So Asterios, maybe that comment that you posted was really brilliant and nobody liked it because it was targeted to people who didn't quite understand the level of genius that was in that comment. That'll never be there! It's deleted from the records. It's struck from the records. No one will ever seen that.
Asterios: Look! I agree that that's my failing as a creative person, but I do that on Twitter, too. And on Tumblr. And on Reddit. And it's like…
Dick: (interjects) And in real life.
Asterios: And in real life. Yeah. If I tell a joke onstage and it doesn't do well, I may not tell it again, even though there might have been something there. Like, that's not…it's…the Facebook thing's too broad.
Maddox: Nah. I think you guys are two broads.
Asterios: (cracks up) Two hot broads!
Maddox: Yeah…(laughing)
Asterios: Hello! (whiny girl voice, sounds similar to Maddox' girlfriend's voicemail from the previous episode) Hi, Maddox!
Maddox: Why don't you guys hit on each other?
Asterios: (Whiny girl voice) How you doing?!
Dick: Oh, that was you?!
Maddox: What?! That was you Asterios!?! (yelling) (Asterios cackles) You got my hopes up!!! I thought I had a girlfriend! So lonely!
Asterios: Sorry, sucker!
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: I'll see you at the Burlesque club.
Maddox: Oh, and guys, this is the final motivation for Facebook status updates. It's…loneliness. Which is kinda sad, but sometimes people are just acting lonely on Facebook, but it also spreads their sadness, so you just, like, feel bad for somebody. 'Cause sometimes I'll roll over in bed at 3 in the morning, I can't sleep. I'll just look at my phone. I'll glance and I'll see my other friend at 3 in the morning, can't sleep either, in like three, four states away, and she's just talking about how bored and depressed she is going to a diner by herself drinking coffee. I'm like, "Oh god, that bums me out. Well, I can't do anything…"
Dick: (interjects) Do you give her a "like"?
Maddox: (laughing, Asterios laughing) Yeah. And then there's no way…like, if you post any kind of tragic news, like your grandpa passed away or something, or your dog just got run over, then somebody…inevitably someone clicks "like" on it, and you know that their intent is not that they like that you lost your dog. In most cases. Although my friend one time posted that he was sick, and I clicked "like", and I meant it. (Asterios and Maddox laugh)
Dick: You know what? Without Facebook, there would be no societally acceptable way to message girls out of the blue on their birthday.
Asterios: Mhmm.
Dick: And try to set up a date with them.
Asterios: That's right! That's right. I meant…
Maddox: Just don't be a creep. How about that?
Dick: What's creepy about that?
Asterios: It's just Happy Birthday!
Maddox: No, no. I'm…
Asterios: And a smiley face.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Happy Birthday!
Maddox: Uuggggggggggh!! (groans)
Dick: (adds) Baby.
Maddox: Okay! There it is! (Asterios laughs) What were you gonna say, Asterios?
Asterios: Oh! Just that I met my wife…my wife and I got…we met once at a party, but then, like, Twitter is kinda where the courtship happened. Like, we were tweeting at each other. We sent each other Facebook messages. Then, we got married. It's not all terrible. Like, a lot of good shit happens, too. Dick's constantly getting laid. I found a cool wife.
Dick: My friend with the engagement ring that I talked about. They met on Facebook because I MADE him get a Facebook account. He immediately reconnected with her from high school. Boom. Married.
Asterios: Yeah! There you go.
Dick: But I guess I cost him a thousand bucks, too.
Maddox: Tchyeah.
Dick: So maybe that's wash.
Asterios: Pros and cons. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. You know, guys, I've made some of my best friends. I've met people on Facebook, and…but before that, I…and I've also dated people I've met on Facebook. It's been great for stuff like that. But it's…I don't think it's because of Facebook. I think it's in spite of Facebook. (Asterios laughs) I used to meet those people on IRC, I used to meet those people in chatrooms, on forums. Sometimes they'd be…
Asterios: But you couldn't browse through all their photos on IRC!! (yells)
Dick: Yeah.
Asterios: And you had to…
Dick: You had to take their word for it.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly!
Maddox: Naaaah. I would…you know what? You can send…
Dick: 19-year-old woman, huh? (grinning)
Maddox: You could send people pictures back and forth back in the day.
Asterios: Yeah, of someone else!!! (Maddox laughs) Exactly. I could send pictures of a super hot lady called, "Big Boobs McGee" to you!
Maddox: Awwwwgh, that was you Asterios!!! I'm so hurt! (yelling) (Asterios cackles evilly) Alright, let's wrap this up. What were you guys' problems?
Dick: I haaaaaad…"Engineering Sexism".
Asterios: My problem is "Burlesque Dancers".
Maddox: And my problem was "Facebook"! The real winner. Don't listen to these two broads!
Asterios: Oh! Just before I split. The comedy publishing outfit that I'm a part of, Devastator Press, first off, I want to say, thanks to everyone that bought my book, "The Enemies of 20-Something Mega Man." That was totally awesome.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Asterios: Like, a shitload of people bought the book thanks to your guys' podcast, so I really appreciate it!
Dick: That's great.
Asterios: We have a new book out, it's called "Grosslumps" and it's a Goosebumps parody written, by, like, P.F Cline, or something like that. We all wrote little Goosebumps parody stories for it. It's a book of short stories. I wrote a book called, "My Parent's Divorce Lawyers are Aliens". (Maddox laughs) And so, you pick up the book, it's called Grosslumps, at http://www.devastatorpress.com/books . You can read my story. You can read, uh, stories about haunted Tiki bras that make girls' boobs TOO big. (saucy voice)
Dick: Whoa, whoa. (Maddox laughs) Stop. Stop. Stop there.
Maddox: That is really scary.
Dick: I'm sold. Everybody's sold.
Maddox: That is so funny.
Asterios: Yeah! So check it out.
Maddox: Asterios, yeah. And thank you, by the way. I got your "Enemies of 20-Something Mega Man" last time. It was so funny. Uh, reading through.
Asterios: Oh, thank you!
Maddox: Yeah. And guys, if you still haven't checked it out, you're fucking up in your life. (Asterios laughs) Uh, check this out, and I also want to plug Devastator Press, because I've…
Asterios: Oh yeah.
Maddox: They've published some of my work! What…I forget the episode, but I wrote something…and I'm also working on a piece for the December issues, which is horror-themed. I dunno if that's a spoiler we can give away.
Asterios: No, it's okay!
Maddox: Yeah.
Asterios: We gotta get…Dick, we gotta get you in there.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah. Alright. (nonchalant)
Asterios: Alright, good!
Maddox: Alright, Dick. (giggles)
Asterios: We'll set it up!
Maddox: Very enthused. Very enthused. (Dick laughs) Anyway guys, http://www.devastatorpress.com...
Asterios: Yeah.
Maddox: And check out Asterios' work! Grosslumps, right?
Asterios: Yeah. Grosslumps and the Enemies of 20-Something Mega Man. And thank all of you. I really like you guys. Thank you so much.
Maddox: Thanks…
Asterios: Thank you two, too.
Dick: Thank you for coming on.
Maddox: Yeah. Thank you for coming on. And you are our first ever repeat guest!
Asterios: Yeaaaaah!!
Maddox: So, again. Don't forget guys, vote on the "Facebook" problem. (Asterios cracks up) (Maddox laughs) Thanks, guys.
(Closing theme riff)