The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 1
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Maddox: So, uh, we nailed the -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, we should say...you should...lemme give you...lemme give you some intro tips. Alright?
Dick: Are you open to intro tips? (smiles)
Maddox: Let's hear your intro tips.
Dick: I have a problem with your intro already, for the biggest problem in the universe.
Maddox: Well, wait. Uh, so we should explain what the show is!
Dick: Yes, go ahead.
Maddox: So the show is The Biggest Problem in the Universe. We are going through a comprehensive list of all the problems in the universe, and we throw them up on the website so you can rate them, and we will have...at the end of this series, which is never, you will...you will have a comprehensive list from start to finish of all the problems in the universe, in order. And so, we already have a problem with the -
Dick: (interjects) I already have one problem.
Maddox: Let's hear the problem.
Dick: This is not...so each episode we're gonna bring two problems...
Dick: ...to the show.
Maddox: Two problems each.
Dick: And we're gonna debate them in detail, because one of us is an idiot and likes to bring stupid problems in to every show.
Maddox: Dick does not like to flatter himself when he talks about himself.
Dick: Ha! Yeah. And the other guy is you. (grinning) (Maddox laughs) Uh, here's...here's my first problem. So, let's try: "Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe. Maddox, bestselling AUTHOR..." How 'bout that?
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: Possibly the *first*...I'm gonna say the first satirist on the Internet was you.
Maddox: Uh, one of the early ones for sure, yeah. I mean, I would have to go back and check, but -
Dick: (interjects) I'll put you up with Seanbaby...
Maddox: Seanbaby's great.
Dick: ...I don't know, maybe a bunch of other people, but...
Dick: Were you in the dial-up age?
Maddox: I was in the dial-up age! Yeah, that's how I used to connect to the Internet, is with dial-up. With Qmodem. It's an old DOS program.
Dick: Nerd. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah! (laughs)
Dick: So we've got a dial-up satirist. One of the oldest writers on the Internet. A true, uh, founding father.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm a pioneer of the Internet. Um...
Dick: Of Internet writing. Maddox, bestselling author: Alphabet of Manliness, I Am Better Than Your Kids...
Dick: Gotta be...there's gotta be another book in 10 years that I'm forgetting. Is that...?
Maddox: There is, uh...there will be. There will -- oh, also there's a...there's a -
Dick: (interjects) Okay, that was a joke. (grinning)
Maddox: Oh. (laughs)
Dick: That was a joke. Alright, yeah.
Maddox: Uh, yeah. Um...
Dick: And then me, Dick Masterson, Men Are Better Than Women. There you go.
Maddox: Men Are Better Than Women, and we've actually worked together on a lot of different projects, actually. We've uh, we've written together, we've actually sold a couple of shows, and...that have gone NOWHERE.
Dick: Yeah! They were great, though.
Maddox: Yeah. Absolutely fabulous...fantastic shows. Not fabulous. They are fantastic. Um...
Dick: Should we get to the problems?
Maddox: Let's get started!
Dick: Um, my first problem...which is the biggest problem in the universe, hands down, is...you. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Of course!
Maddox: Here we go.
Maddox: Isn't that the same as your first problem you mentioned at the beginning of the show? (cracking up)
Dick: Yeah! That's a great example of why you're such a problem!
Maddox: Big problem.
Dick: Now, I have...so, I'm gonna specify. This is not...this is not a problem for *me.* Like, we're not just...this is not a show of personal gripes. Right?
Maddox: Of course not.
Dick: This is like, a problem...this is a real problem for the UNIVERSE.
Maddox: This is a universal...yeah. This is a problem that people would have in the real universe, uh, that would affect actual people.
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause I have a litany of problems why YOU are a problem for ME.
Maddox: A litany? Oh, of course. Yeah.
Maddox: I am a big...big pain in your side.
Dick: Blatant disregard for time. For people's time.
Dick: Showing up hours late... (smiles)
Maddox: Hours? (skeptical)
Dick: "Are we..."
Dick: "Hey, are we doin' a podcast today?" "Uh, maybe."
Maddox: No, it's on my calendar! (annoyed)
Dick: Yeah! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Dick...
Maddox: ...Dick does not adhere to, like, the common accepted...you know, calendars and, uh, time systems, and he forgets to CC people on emails all the time. Those people are me.
Dick: "Maybe" is not a time. That's all I'm saying. So, but, in a broader...in a broad scope...
Dick: ...like in a universal scope...
Dick: ...I think YOU are single-handedly responsible for filling the Internet with garbage. (Maddox splutters in protest)
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) WRONG. (both laugh) I'm sorry. You are wrong.
No! Uh, would you like to hear my explanation or do you wanna read your problem?
Maddox: Let's hear it. I would love to hear...let's hear your -
Dick: (interjects) Just a brief explanation.
Maddox: Yeah, of course.
Dick: Okay. You made Internet rants look cool.
Dick: Like, you made looking pissed off on the Internet look...cool!
Dick: You're like the Marlboro Man of Internet rants.
Maddox: Of Internet rants. Just as uh, just as hazardous for your health.
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox chuckles) No, it really is! So people see you and think it's cool to get on the Internet and swear a whole bunch and complain...but it's not!
Dick: It's not funny. (Maddox sighs) Funny when you do it!
Dick: It's a bestseller when YOU do it...
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: ...but when I see it everywhere else, it's painful.
Maddox: It's annoying. You know, I hate to agree with you, uh, just in general...
Maddox: ...ESPECIALLY on this point, because I hate to consider myself a problem, but in this case...I will say this.
Maddox: I actually hate myself a little bit. Uh, I mean I hate myself a lot.
Dick: A little bit? (skeptical) (Maddox laughs) Yeah, alright. Let's be fair. (smiling)
Maddox: Okay, I hate myself a lot. Right. Um...because I feel like all these clickbait websites that I bitch about all the time on Facebook -
Dick: (interjects) Like BuzzFeed.
Maddox: Like BuzzFeed!
Maddox: And not just -
Dick: (interjects) You! That's you.
Dick: I'm blaming YOU for that.
Maddox: Yeah, I am...
Maddox: ...I am partly responsible for, like, the Upworthy-style titles.
Maddox: Which are very hyperbolic and clickbaity. And now everything is "the best" or "the worst" or..."the best you will ever see in your life," or "it will - "
Dick: (interjects) It reminds me of an article entitled "The eleven worst songs of..."?
Maddox: "...of 2004."
Maddox: However, there is a reason that was eleven, and that's because there were eleven tracks on the U2 album.
Dick: Oh, I know, I...I remember the joke.
Dick: I got it.
Maddox: Well, I'm explaining for people who haven't...who haven't seen it or don't remember it, which...which means you should probably stop listening to this podcast and, uh, throw yourselves into traffic. Um...but the problem is, everybody's doing this now, so it has lost -
Dick: (interjects) Being angry.
Maddox: Not just angry...I would say "hyperbolic." To the poi-...like, an extreme version of hyperbole.
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: So, it's...it's become so commonplace that you can't...you can't just have a cute video of a dog or a cat. It will be "the CUTEST."
Maddox: “It will BLOW - "
Dick: (interjects) Or "the doggest."
Maddox: Or "the..." (Dick laughs) "The doggest."
Dick: That doesn't make any sense.
Maddox: And it will be... (cracks up) Well, nothing...I mean, it's become this like, perverted...uh, cute version of extreme hyperbole. It is SUPER annoying. I can't stand it.
Dick: So I think I win! Show's over. You're the biggest problem in the universe.
Maddox: Well, thank you for listening everyone! Uh, I guess tune in never.
Maddox: 'Cause that's...
Dick: What's yours?
Maddox: My problem, my number one problem today...I wouldn't say this is the BIGGEST problem in the universe, but it's definitely on the list. And it's "crying." I think that crying is a huge problem.
Maddox: Of any kind.
Dick: ...in baseball.
Maddox: There's no -
Dick: (interjects) Dude, you know...do you know how much crying...? Like, I'm on board, first of all. Um...like, how much crying professional athletes do?
Maddox: That's like, all they do! Right?
Dick: That's all...I think that is all they do. (grinning)
Maddox: They cry about...you know, you saw Pharrell on the Oprah -- did you see the Oprah clip of Pharrell online?
Dick: Oh my god. Are you kidding me? (Maddox laughs) I have never seen...the closest I've ever been to watching an Oprah clip is watching myself on Dr. Phil.
Maddox: Oh, that's a good point! Dick Masterson was on Dr. Phil.
Maddox: Very hilarious clip. You should ALL watch it after you listen to this podcast.
Dick: Don't...I don't care if you watch it. I don't get paid for that. Dr. Phil gets money for that.
Maddox: That's a good point.
Maddox: Do NOT support Dr. Phil.
Dick: Who cares? (cracks up) Go. Go, what is...what did Pharrell do on Oprah?
Maddox: He cried! On Oprah.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: He got on Oprah...I dunno -
Dick: (interjects) I think it's worse that you're watchin' Oprah than crying on Oprah! (laughs)
Maddox: For research. (annoyed) (Dick cackles) You know...so here's the thing: I have my Maddox feed on Facebook, and I see -
Dick: (interjects) It's chock full of Oprah. (smiling)
Maddox: Chock full of idiots. Uh...
Maddox: I've decided I've stopped...I've stopped pretty much unfriending people, 'cause there's no point. Everyone's an idiot, and everyone's posting this stupid bullshit!
Maddox: So I watch it because I...that's what I do. I have to consume a lot of shit to see what's out there.
Dick: I mean, what else are you gonna do? Write another book?
Maddox: Well, yes. Uh, but I have to see what's out there, just to comment on it. And there was this clip with Pharrell on Oprah and he cried. So, crying seems like one of those things...first of all, a lot of my girlfriends have done it in the past.
Dick: Uh, ye-..."a lot"? (skeptical) Yeah.
Maddox: 100 percent.
Dick: You mean, there is not...there's *one* girlfriend you've had who didn't cry? That's...I would be SHOCKED by that. Not because of you, just because of girlfriends in general. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Uh, yeah, she...I actually dated someone for about 3 months; not a single tear. And I even asked her, I said, "Listen, you've gotta be honest with me."
Dick: That's a long time.
Maddox: I know! I said, "You gotta be honest with me. Are you - "
Dick: (interjects) "Are you a robot?" (Maddox laughs) "Or a man?"
Maddox: No, I... (stammers) (Dick laughs) I said, "Are you crying secretly? Like, are you - "
Dick: (interjects) Ohh! That's smart!
Maddox: Yeah! "Are you ducking off into a closet and then just like, getting a good weep out and then coming out and you're fine? Like a - "
Dick: (interjects) Was she?
Maddox: "Like a guy would jerk off?" No, she wasn't! She just wasn't crying for 3 months. And then after that it was just waterworks, like, nonstop. And I...I encourage it to certain extent because for some people it can be cathartic. However, then I came across this article. They did some research and they...there was a study -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. Here we go. (playfully annoyed)
Maddox: Yeah! (smiling) This is actually...this is from The Independent, the newspaper The Independent. They said that tears kill men's sexual libido! Their libido, it kills their sex drive.
Dick: Oh, reall-...is that...?
Maddox: Did you know? This is actually...absolutely true. So here's a quote from the article.
Maddox: It says, "Smelling the tears of a woman can quell a man's sexual desire, according to a study that determined female crying can have a direct chemical impact on male libido." [ http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/please-dont-cry-ndash-it-upsets-a-mans-sex-drive-2178140.h... ]
Dick: Um...I gotta go get checked out then. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause I got...I got the reverse of that.
Maddox: Ohhh, no... (uneasily)
Dick: Yeah. It's like...it's like 2 Viagras in 1. Every tear...
Maddox: Ohh. (still uncomfortable)
Maddox: Oh boy.
Dick: That's a real thing!
Maddox: Yeah, uh...yeah, I mean, some people get off on that. Um...so, "Scientists have found evidence to suggest that tears from a weeping woman contain a chemical signal that can have a subconscious effect on a man's sexual desire."
Dick: So it's a boner killer.
Maddox: Even if he's not witness to the crying, so that means just the *scent* of it. So here's the thing: this is actual, solid advice to all the men listening. If your girlfriend cries into her pillow at night, or into YOURS...
Maddox: ...and you guys are living together, wash the sheets.
Dick: Or boyfriend! I mean...
Maddox: Or boyf-...no, this is only women's tears.
Dick: Only women's tears??
Maddox: Only women's tears have this chemical.
Maddox: There's a chemical in women's tears that makes...that kills men's sexual libido.
Dick: Okay! Alright.
Maddox: And I've actually experienced it before, too! I've been, you know...I've been, uh, smashin' it and then I get a whiff of the pillow and I'm like, "Oh, there goes my boner!"
Dick: You experienced a sudden loss of essence?
Maddox: Sudden loss of essence. (smiles)
Dick: A loss of your manly essence.
Maddox: Yeah. My virility!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Just, "whoop!" (imitating drooping)
Dick: Okay. Um...well, I don't think that's a big problem.
Maddox: Really, you don't think it's a big problem to lose your sexual desire and not procreate? And end the human race, potentially, because women are crying?
Dick: No, because apparently I'm a genetic anomaly! Uh, if anything, my...my crying...my pro-crying genes need to be passed on to the next generation. That's what I'm learning here. All you guys are defects. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Uh, well -
Dick: (interjects) This is how...this is where thumbs started, with a guy like me that had a weird finger.
Maddox: No, no, no.
Maddox: This is...this is how, like...uh, all the syndromes started. (chuckles) All the syndromes were these kind of mutations, where it's like, "Oh, one guy...one weirdo's gettin' off on this!"
Dick: Yeah! He's cool!
Maddox: Uh-oh. (makes sliding sound indicating he thinks Dick is crazy) (Dick laughs) Um...so, you know, there have also been a lot of studies that say crying is beneficial. But here's the thing: crying is a way...is a tool people use sometimes to *manipulate.*
Maddox: So if they...if people don't get what they want, they cry. Just like children do!
Dick: Does that...I think that works on you, though. 'Cause that doesn't work on me.
Maddox: Of COURSE it works! I don't want to see crying, ever! It's the worst!! I...there's the hyperbole.
Maddox: It is...like, I cannot...I cannot stand that shit. If someone's crying around me I want them to stop or go away, just so I can move on with my life.
Dick: Dude, I really...like, I *don't* care when I...when someone is crying. Not saying that I don't feel bad if they're in pain, like if they're actually in pain, but if they're just throwing a big histrionic fit, it does not move me to do anything.
Maddox: (brief pause) Sociopath.
Dick: (chuckling) That's not a soci-...if you know they're doing it on purpose, right?
Maddox: But do you?
Maddox: You KNOW. You know!! (teasing)
Maddox: You don't know!
Dick: They're all...they're always doin' it on purpose. (cracking up)
Maddox: There we go. Uh-huh. (smiling) Okay.
Dick: Alright. So...uh, so Maddox can't get it up when his girlfriend's crying. Is that the problem?
Maddox: That's the problem!
Dick: That's the problem? (amused)
Maddox: Ends procreation; end of human race.
Maddox: Huge problem. Vote for...
Maddox: ...vote for crying on the website, guys.
Dick: Alright. Alright.
Maddox: I'm not that big of a problem.
Dick: Um...here's my next problem.
Maddox: What's your number two?
Dick: So far I'm in the lead. (Maddox scoffs)
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: (sighs) Alright. This is a big problem. Guys asking other guys questions about their dog.
Maddox: Hmm. M'kay.
Maddox: Alright, I'll bite. What's, uh...how is that a problem?
Dick: So...well, let me tell you what happened here. Um...I don't know how much backstory I wanna give on this either. I came into possession of a little dog.
Maddox: How...what do you mean? You kidnapped one?
Dick: No. I was...I was babysitting it.
Dick: For a girl who I...had banged.
Maddox: So already you've...you're screwing up.
Maddox: You already banged her!
Dick: Yeah, but I wanted to bang her again that...that evening.
Maddox: Okay. Alright, okay.
Dick: So I figured...yeah, okay. So... (sighs) She said, "Oh, I have to go to this audition."
Dick: "Then I have to go do a modeling shoot."
Dick: "So will you...Dick, will you watch my dog?"
Dick: And my first thought is "no." Like, that's the last thing I wanna do today.
Maddox: Yeah, watching a dog is the worst.
Dick: Yeah, and especially -- like, it's a...it's a really poorly behaved dog! As you might imagine.
Maddox: It was a bad -
Dick: (interjects) Like it bites, she leaves the leash on it all the time so it has no idea when it's going outside.
Maddox: A bad dog, if you will.
Dick: It's a bad dog.
Maddox: Bad dog.
Dick: It's a CUTE dog. It's a great dog. It's just...
Dick: ...trained improperly.
Dick: Right? So I'm like, "Yeah, okay. Whatever. Yeah, leave your dog here." So I think to myself, "Alright! I'm gonna take this dog out."
Maddox: Mhm. (knowingly)
Dick: "And..." You know. What's the best...what could possibly...what's a...there's no better way to talk to girls than a little dog.
Dick: There ISN'T.
Dick: There just isn't.
Maddox: I can't argue with you because you just said, "There isn't."
Dick: Well...uh, try to think of one.
Maddox: What about just "hi"?
Dick: No, that doesn't work. (both laugh) Don't be...
Maddox: Yeah, WEIRD!
Dick: ...don't be crazy! You don't do that. (teasing)
Maddox: Who would just...who would just go up to a girl and say, "Hi! Hello, how are you doing?" That's just wei-...that's weird!
Dick: Well, if you DO do that, wear like, a cell phone around your head. Or else they're not interested.
Maddox: If you DO, chicks will want to...want to text on them all the time.
Maddox: So -- okay, you have your little dog. You know, it isn't a...it is a way that alotta guys will, uh...it is a strategy to meet women, sure.
Maddox: And for guys to meet guys! I've seen that as well.
Dick: Well, okay. Here we go.
Maddox: Oh, is that where we're goin'? Okay. (smiles)
Dick: So I walk out with this little dog...
Dick: ...who's, like, tearing around me like a tornado, and I'm trying not to choke the crap out of it 'cause I'm in public. And -
Maddox: (interjects) Because you're in public. (laughing)
Maddox: THAT'S the reason.
Dick: And -- you gotta discipline it! Uh...I come upon, like, I'm not...I'm not joking, probably 40 models lined up to go on some like, stupid audition.
Maddox: Guys or girls?
Dick: ALL girls!
Dick: So I roll up with this dog and I'm like, "Oh my god, jackpot!"
Dick: Like, I pass...I'm getting that eye from the first 10 or so. They're like, "Oh my god, please come talk to me with that dog," and I'm like, "Okay, ladies. I got...there's plenty of you. I'm not gonna go for the FIRST ones in line."
Maddox: Oh, of course.
Dick: "I gotta walk...I got all the time in the WORLD, here."
Dick: "I got the cutest dog in the world. I'm gonna really pick the one of you that I wanna talk to."
Maddox: Plus it's a dog that a girl owns, so that dog is pre-selected to appeal to...
Maddox: Like, it's a...it's a *girl* dog! Right?
Maddox: The girl likes the dog.
Maddox: So you have the girliest dog...
Maddox: ...in the girliest part of town, with all the girly models and your girly hair. So what happened?
Dick: And then I hear -- thank you. (Maddox laughs) And then I hear...I hear from behind, uh, "Hey, what kinda dog is that?" (deep, gruff voice)
Maddox: What do you mean, "behind"? Some guy standing right behind you? (laughing)
Dick: And I'm like...I turn around, and it's this...there's this big guy!
Maddox: This big burly girl. (laughs)
Dick: With like, a beard. He must've been doing, like, PA stuff on the...for whatever they were doin' there.
Dick: But it totally threw me off! I was like, "What do you mean, 'what kinda dog'? What do you CARE? Why are you...what do you care? Why do you wanna know? Why do you wanna know what k-...it's a pug!" It's not a -- it's like, a husky or something. I'm like, "Wha-...what are you gonna do...what are you POSSIBLY gonna do with this information?!"
Maddox: He wants -
Dick: (interjects) "Why do you want to TALK to me??"
Maddox: Exactly. He wants your number!
Dick: No, he wasn't...he wasn't gay. He definitely wasn't gay.
Maddox: How do you know?
Dick: Be-...I'll tell you why.
Maddox: What did his dick taste like?
Dick: Because, because...whoahoh, wow!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That's how you -
Dick: (interjects) So...
Dick: ...I was thinking maybe he just wants to horn in on what I'm doing. Right?
Maddox: Could be.
Maddox: It's possible.
Dick: Yeah. So I was like, "Alright, get outta here. Get outta here." What do you know, ANOTHER guy comes up. "Hey, cool dog, man!"
Maddox: Mmmhm. (chuckling)
Dick: "How old is he?" I'm like, "Wha-...?? I don't know! I have no idea!" And like, my...the place I go in my body that makes lies (Maddox snickers) that I can just tell them, like, "Oh, it's 3...3 weeks old, or 3 months old"? It was totally empty, 'cause I'm talking to GUYS!!
Dick: Like, "I have no idea, you guys! This is TOTALLY messing me up! I gotta get outta here."
Maddox: These guys...wanted your butt, and they -
Dick: (interjects) Don't make this a gay thing!
Maddox: This is a gay thing!! It's totally a gay thing. Like, guys talk to -
Dick: (interjects) Maddox!
Dick: It happened ALL day. All day I was walking around with this stupid dog, and guys are coming up to me and asking me questions about it.
Maddox: The only time anyone asks *anyone* about their dogs, unless they're with their...with their partner -- and sometimes even then -- is if they want to hook up.
Dick: You...so -
Maddox: (interjects) 100 percent of the time. So those are all guys who just were interested in you!
Dick: You're TOTALLY...you can't possibly be this obtuse. You don't -
Maddox: (interjects) I ABSOLUTELY believe that.
Dick: You can't possibly think that! That's ridiculous.
Maddox: Unless they have a stroller and they're with their husband or wife -
Dick: (interjects) Maddox! This is...that's absurd! You can't actually think that all these guys were gay and trying to hit on me.
Maddox: I am giving you a huge compliment right now.
Dick: That's not a huge compliment. You're being ridiculous. (Maddox chuckles) It's absolutely not the case!
Maddox: That's *absolutely* the case. 100 percent true.
Dick: Well. Uh...
Maddox: Not a problem. Oh, I'm sorry that your problem is that you're so attractive to men. (heavily sarcastic)
Dick: No, here's the...here's the problem! 'Cause I think it's straight guys doing it. I think you're being stupid on purpose.
Dick: I think that what this is gonna turn into is guys just hitting...straight guys hitting on straight guys all the time.
Dick: And that's the future! It's gonna be you sitting at a bar, and a guy -- a guy, a straight guy, walking up to you and going, "Hey, do you come here often?" And what are you...what are you supposed to do to that??
Maddox: You just say, "Yeah, man! Look at the game!" Maybe he's just tryin' to be friends!
Dick: Oh, well... (stammers) Yeah!!
Maddox: I talk to dudes in bars!
Dick: So you...again, YOU!
Maddox: I'm not HITTING on them! We're bro-ing out! Sometimes you bro out pretty hard! That's what happens.
Dick: Why...why do you wanna talk to a guy at a bar?
Maddox: 'Cause he might be wearing the same or similar jacket to you, and this actually happened to me one time!
Maddox: So I have this like, BADASS American flag jacket. It's...it's so fuckin' over-the-top Evil Knievel awesome, and I wear this thing around town. And I walked into a bar one time, and uh...Dick, I think I've told you the story. But I walked into a bar, and across the way I saw ANOTHER guy -
Dick: (interjects) Another idiot in an American flag jacket.
Maddox: Another fucking badass in an American flag jacket, and we locked eyes across this bar and we walked over, and everyone was like, STARING at us.
Maddox: And we walked over to the middle of the bar without saying anything, unprompted...high five!
Dick: People stare at a car crash too.
Maddox: Well, this is...this is a car crash of awesome. We high fived and IMMEDIATELY bro-ed out, and we started talking about our jackets and how cool it was. He made his! He made his own American flag jacket. Anyway.
Dick: So you guys...so my theory's totally correct! You guys are employing pickup artist techniques (Maddox guffaws) to pick up other straight men. (slowly for emphasis)
Maddox: I mean, we didn't...we didn't have sex. You understand that -
Dick: (interjects) Oh nononono, I understand!
Dick: I understand that I'm the weirdo here...
Dick: ...and that everyone -- all these guys are now hitting on each other just to TALK to each other??
Dick: THAT'S what you guys are doing?!
Maddox: Okay. Hitting on and talking are two different things. Do you -
Dick: (interjects) No, it's not! (Maddox laughs) No, it is NOT. It is not!
Maddox: See?! (Dick laughs) So, I'm so glad you said this on the air, because this is...this is what I want everyone to witness: your insane thought process here.
Dick: (skeptical) I'm insane, 'cause I -
Maddox: (interjects) You don't differentiate...there is no such thing as talking! Everything you ever say is calculated to get laid!
Dick: Let me -- no, that's not true. Lemme...because I thought about it.
Dick: I thought about...because I was like, "Alright, I don't wanna be too harsh on these guys."
Dick: "Maybe I've done this." So I thought about the times I've talked to a *guy* this week. Like, I've asked another guy something this week.
Maddox: Like, for his number or something, or...? (wryly)
Dick: No. What...do you have something you wanna get off your chest (Maddox laughs) about the...this gay stuff? Jeeeez!
Maddox: If you, if you want me to -
Dick: (interjects) Gosh!
Maddox: If you...I dunno, man! Do you want me to get it off my chest? Like, how do you want me, uh... (suggestively)
Dick: Okay, here's what I...here's what I came up with.
Dick: I asked a guy...I was in a coffee shop...
Dick: ...that's also a restaurant that I go to all the time. And this guy had what looked like a beer.
Dick: But I wasn't sure, 'cause it could be like, a fancy juice or a tea or something. You don't know.
Maddox: So... (hesitantly)
Dick: So I said, "Hey, is that a beer?" (Maddox bursts out laughing) And he said, "Yes."
Dick: And I THOUGHT...I was like, "Okay, this is over," but then I was like, "Wait a minute, what if he brought it in here? What if you're not allowed...?" So I said, "Wait a minute, wait a minute..."
Dick: "...did you get that beer *here*?" And he said, "Yes," and I was like, "Unbelievable! I didn't know you could get beer here."
Maddox: Ahhh! Okay, so here's the -
Dick: (interjects) End of conversation!
Maddox: End of conversation.
Dick: And I couldn't even look him in the eye.
Maddox: So you screwed up before you even opened your mouth, because in your thought process you thought, "What is that, juice or tea?" There was the possibility -- you thought there was a possibility that he could be drinking tea.
Dick: Yeah, of course!
Maddox: So you just put yourself in a position where you're asking a guy about his tea. Who's hitting on who?
Dick: Do you not...do you not understand the point of that conversation?
Maddox: Oh, I understand the point of your conversation.
Dick: I wanted to know if I could get beer at that restaurant.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, you could just say, "Hey, did you order that here?"
Dick: But I don't know if it's beer!
Dick: Have you seen, like, a fancy beer bottle and a fancy tea bottle? They look exactly the same.
Maddox: No, tea bott-...
Dick: Except one is full of garbage.
Maddox: Tea bottles are like -
Dick: (interjects) One is full of dirt water.
Maddox: The Honest...the Honest Tea bottles where they're plastic and they have that bullshit label?
Dick: There's a lot...there's many different bottles of tea out there, Kemosabe. (annoyed)
Maddox: Ohhh! (sarcastic) Oh, I didn't know there were so many different kinds of...I'm not a tea expert, apparently, so uh...you know all the different tea bottles? Oh, I guess you don't, 'cause you had to ask the guy for the beer. Basically you hit on the guy.
Dick: Okay, here's...here's question number two...
Dick: ...that I asked.
Dick: I was at another bar.
Dick: I was at a bar where I KNOW they serve beer.
Dick: And a guy was walking around smoking!
Dick: And I was like, "Wait a minute." (Maddox snickers) "Is this one of those places that just pays the fine and you can smoke inside?"
Dick: So I said, "Hey, are you allowed to be smoking in here?"
Maddox: What do you...?! That...okay, that's -
Dick: (interjects) What are you so excited about?
Maddox: That's just like, such a...like a policeman-type...like, what are you, the librarian? (stammers) The smoking police? However, I know where you're going with this!
Dick: What, what are... (taken aback)
Dick: This is a, just a...this is a guy walkin' around a bar, smoking.
Dick: Do you think he cares if he gets caught?
Dick: No! So he said..."No." (Maddox laughs) And I said, "Okay, well, I don't wanna get kicked outta here, so I'm not gonna smoke."
Maddox: Okay. No, that -- okay, the second one was legitimate. So, you think those guys went home and sat down and they're recording their own podcasts right now, and they're saying, "Man, I can't believe some guy hit on me. He asked me what kind of beer I was drinkin'." Or, "He asked me if I was drinkin' a beer."
Dick: No, because it's...there's an easy explanation for that: "He was wondering if he could buy beer here." When a guy asks me how old my dog is, what in God's name could he POSSIBLY do with that information?
Maddox: Ask you for your number. That's why...
Dick: Yeah... (stammering)
Maddox: ...that's why people have pets.
Dick: Beyond the gay stuff.
Maddox: People have pets -
Dick: (interjects) Like, forget about the gay stuff for 10 seconds.
Dick: This is a case of straight men, peacocking in your case...
Maddox: Mmm... (skeptical)
Dick: ...like, using -- employing this hitting on each other with other straight men. That's the future! That's the future and if you don't think...if you don't think that's the future, you're dead wrong.
Maddox: Dick, you don't know if those guys were straight or not. And we can only assume, since people generally have dogs -- they walk their dogs at dog parks and that sort of thing -- to meet other people. So I think it's safe to conclude that those guys were gay and they were hitting on you. I assume! If I had a dog and someone wanted to talk to me, and uh...I would assume that they wanna get in my pants. Unless they...unless there was absolutely no sexual attraction to me, or they were just like, a dog nerd, which I can't...I wouldn't wanna talk to anyway. I don't like dog nerds. Like, who cares? Okay, you got a fuckin' dog. Great. I'm movin' on with my life. I'm goin' on to the rest of the park. Or just going home. I'll just get in my car and drive home.
Dick: You're part of the problem on this one. (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: Well, I wasn't hittin' on you.
Dick: What's your last problem?
Maddox: My last problem, and this is a big one -- I think you'll agree with me on this one, maybe not -- is -
Dick: (interjects) This is worse than your remorse over making your girlfriend cry? (amused)
Dick: Is what causes...
Maddox: Oh, no, no.
Dick: ...erectile dysfunction? (Maddox laughs) And some...not some goofy science explanation where their tears are full of "reverse BONER..." (mocking) (cracks up)
Maddox: It's boner killer!
Dick: Reverse boneritis.
Maddox: It's reverse Viagra, yeah!
Maddox: The opposite of Viagra. They...they put women's tears in those pills. Um, no, this one is...this one is potentially worse than that. And I had no remorse over making my girlfriends cry.
Dick: Clearly. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Um...okay. Families! "Families" is my second problem.
Dick: The concept of a family or the execution of a family?
Maddox: Both. The concept of a family -- well, the concept of a family is fine in theory. Right? They're there for you, they support you, they're always...they've always got your back. Right?
Maddox: However...yeah. Great. But that's rarely the case. And if you think about... (Dick scoffs) Think about the -
Dick: (interjects) I can't wait to see the science on this one. (grinning) (Maddox laughs) That's *rarely* the case, that a family supports you?
Maddox: No. Families don't support; they take. (Dick giggles) So, here's... (cracks up) Here's... (stammers) Okay. The standard family...uh, the most common family -
Dick: (interjects) Like The Simpsons?
Maddox: Yeah! Like The Simpsons.
Maddox: 2 parents, 2 kids...well, I guess they have 3 kids. But 2 parents, 2 kids.
Dick: I don't know if that is the standard...like, aren't there...are there f-...is the majority of, uh...are the majority of families married still?
Dick: Or are they...or are they divorced?
Maddox: I'm not sure. The majority of divorces end in...or the majority of MARRIAGES end in divorce, but I'm not sure about the majority of, uh, child-bearing marriages. I'm not sure about that.
Dick: Oh, that's true. Okay, I guess I don't know that.
Maddox: So I would say that, uh, on average, a family would have like 2 kids. Right? 2 kids, a dog; that's -
Dick: (interjects) I think it's like 2 and a half. Yeah.
Maddox: Right. Yeah, 2 and a half kids. We'll round down to 2. So, you have...let's look at each element of the family.
Maddox: You have the father, right?
Maddox: Who's essentially a stranger! You don't know this man!
Dick: I mean, this is like...it's so bizarre to hear you talking about this and pretending it's like, an abstraction at all. Like, are you talking about *your* family? (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah. (both laugh)
Dick: Ohokay! So...go ahead.
Maddox: Okay. You know, it's not just that my family's been...been rough. (Dick laughs) Or bad, at times.
Dick: Oh, here comes the tears. (laughs more)
Maddox: There's no tears! And MY tears -
Dick: (interjects) I better get an erection really fast so I can test your theory! (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. You're gonna get a...you're gonna get the biggest boner you've ever had in your life. (Dick laughs more) You better...I'm gonna move my stuff. You're gonna knock this table over.
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: So if you think about the father figure, your father is a STRANGER. Okay? You don't know this man! He came from a different era! How many dudes do you hang out with who are separate from you by 60 or 50 years culturally? Zero. Except for your father, who -- it's suddenly okay because he's your father. What...what do you have in -
Dick: (interjects) 50 or 60 years culturally??
Maddox: Okay, let's say 40 or...40 or 30.
Maddox: 30 years.
Dick: 20 to 30, I would say.
Maddox: 30 years is a lot! If you were cultur-...if you were culturally...that's 3 generations apart!
Maddox: Essentially. You have nothing in common with this...with this weirdo!
Dick: No, it's...it's uh, it's ONE generation apart. It's your DAD. (amused)
Maddox: Okay, fine.
Dick: It's... (scoffing)
Maddox: But I mean culturally -
Dick: (interjects) Let's say it's 3 decades apart.
Maddox: You're 3 decades apart. Right.
Maddox: Culturally, you're 3 decades apart. You guys listen to different music, he came from a different era, different principles, different economic...everything! Everything was different about his upbringing.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Alright.
Maddox: And by the way, my dad was...was 51 when he had me. So...
Dick: Okay, that's...that's older.
Maddox: Right. And you know, it's not that uncommon. I've found other people have had...who have, like, really old dads.
Maddox: So essentially, you're growing up in this...with a STRANGER who has no right over you other than he MADE you. Great! He's -
Dick: (interjects) This is a...this is a BIZARRE description of a family.
Maddox: This is a -
Dick: (interjects) What you're doing. No, this is a...
Dick: ...this is a VERY bizarre description of a family.
Maddox: This is a very ordinary description of a family, and uh, this is what we've come down to -
Dick: Uh-huh. (skeptical)
Maddox: - is you...you have just these weirdos who are raising you. These strangers!!
Maddox: Who...who, just by virtue of the fact that they conceived you, you are supposed to adhe-...like, respond to them, adhere to them. These are the people who tell you what to do, how to raise you; they influence your upbringing.
Dick: Well, you can't...you can't survive without them for a couple years. That's kind of important.
Maddox: Why can't you pick your family?
Dick: Is that the problem? Is it the problem that you're bringing?
Maddox: No, the problem is families. I'm not...I'm not sure what the solution is. The problem is definitely families. Your mom is also -
Dick: (interjects) What is the prob-...what in the HELL are you talking about, "the problem is families"?
Maddox: So, there are two types of families: good ones and bad ones. Right?
Maddox: Okay. And then there might be mediocre ones, but whatever. Let's just focus on the good and the bad. The bad, we know is bad -
Dick: (interjects) Let's...let's just make it black and white so it's easy to be a complete jackass about it. (grinning) (Maddox chuckles) Go ahead.
Dick: Let's focus on the... (cracks up)
Maddox: No, it's like in mathematics. You...you focus on the extremities of a graph. You want to know when it intersects zero.
Dick: I guess YOU do! Okay.
Maddox: That's what mathematicians do! (yelling) (Dick giggles) You focus on the '1's and the '0's, so we're goin' with '1's and '0's.
Dick: Let's focus on your family problems. What specifically is wrong with the family to you?
Maddox: Okay, so if -
Dick: (interjects) They're a-holes?
Maddox: If a family is good, if a family is nice; if a family is...perfect, that pisses me off. Like, have you ever seen a family where just everything about them is so perfect, it makes you -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, it's mine! It's my family.
Dick: We have Christmas cards every year, it's great!
Maddox: FINE. Great. (Dick laughs) Great. Awesome. (annoyed)
Dick: We have Thanksgiving dinner, everybody pitches in...
Maddox: Oh, wonderful. Great! (sarcastic)
Dick: I get s-faced...
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: ...by like 11:30. (grinning)
Maddox: Oh, great. Awesome!
Maddox: Awesome family. A little...that's dysfunctional.
Dick: We have a Christmas letter. (still grinning)
Maddox: You realize that's dysfunctional? (Dick laughs) Um -
Dick: (interjects) We all went to each other's graduations. (laughs more)
Maddox: Oh, gre-...yeah. Did your...okay, great. You invited some stranger, your dad, to your graduation.
Dick: He's not a...they're not strangers! (laughing)
Maddox: (yelling) You don't know...they're people who are 30 years apart from you.
Dick: And they kinda look like you.
Maddox: Yeah! So what? I kinda look like lots of people. They're not my father.
Dick: Ah, this is...I'm...I have...I need to wrap my head around this.
Dick: It's just too bizarre.
Maddox: So -
Dick: (interjects) And I don't know specifically what the problem is. You can't s-...like, "family" is not a problem.
Maddox: Family's...okay, so... (stammers) So, bad families are a problem. Right? GOOD families -
Dick: (interjects) I guess!
Maddox: Sure, of course! You don't wanna have a dysfunctional family, it brings up dysfunctional people!
Dick: Got alotta good art that comes out of dysfunctional families, like apparently your website and all your books. (cracking up)
Dick: According to this. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah. At a huge psychological cost, apparently.
Dick: Nahhh. (laughs)
Maddox: So, let's look at... (cracks up) Let's look at the good family. Right? There's...there are families sometimes where you see, like, the mom is attractive, the dad is handsome...
Dick: That's my family again!
Maddox: ...the kids are good -- that is absolutely not true. Their kids are good-looking -
Dick: (interjects) Excuse me?!? "Absolutely not true"??
Maddox: Well, I would -
Dick: (interjects) Are you talking...
Maddox: No, your parents...
Dick: ...are you saying my mother is not beautiful?! (yelling)
Maddox: Your mother's...
Dick: (interjects) I will KILL you!
Maddox: ...super hot. (bursts out laughing)
Dick: ARE YOU S-...I will...I will DOUBLE kill you! (cracking up) (Maddox keeps laughing) How DARE you!
Maddox: Your dad...actually I've met your folks, they're awesome.
Dick: Alright, don't talk about my family, please.
Maddox: The part...okay, GREAT. The part I'm getting at is the kids. The kids are attractive, which you obviously didn't get, uh, from your fa-...from your parents.
Dick: Right. Mhm.
Maddox: And they're perfect, whatever. There was that song that came out around Christmas called "Christmas Jammies."
Dick: "Last Christmas, I gave you my heart." (singing) That one?
Maddox: No. That is a good...no. Not that song. There was a song that came out called "Christmas Jammies," and it was -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, is it the one that went, "Ruff, ruff, ruff! Ruff, ruff, ruff!" (barking to rhythm of "Jingle Bells")
Dick: "Ruff ruff ruff, ruff ruff!"
Maddox: But that is a good song. I do like that song. It's g-...uh, yeah.
Dick: Okay, "Christmas Jammies." What is it? (grinning)
Maddox: "Christmas Jammies." Actually, I have it here. I wanna play a little piece of it. This was a Christmas card that, uh...like a video card that their family sent out to people. That was the premise, that they sent it out. Right?
Maddox: Here we go. Listen to this piece of shit. And by the way, the family is...is just NAUSEATING. They're nauseatingly perfect. Here we go. [plays "Christmas Jammies" music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kjoUjOHjPI]
Dick: Okay. (reluctantly)
Little girl: These are my Christmas jammies!
Dad: Awww, yeah! (music from Will Smith's "Miami" kicks in) It's a Holder night!
Dick: Okay, that's enough. You gotta stop it.
Maddox: (pauses video) It's already annoying, right?
Maddox: Let's hear the...let's just hear the first... (resumes video)
Dad: 2013 in review! Video Christmas card, part 2.
Dick: So it's a...a white guy rapping?
Maddox: White guy rapping.
Dad: Dancin' in the front yard night and day, and the neighbors walk by and this is what they say.
Female Neighbor: Are those Christmas jammies? (obnoxious voice)
Maddox: (pauses video) Already...already you just want to stab -
Dick: (interjects) Why does this upset you so much?
Maddox: The levels of anger that I have right now, I would...I have, like, a stack. Like in programming you have stacks and queues, and -
Dick: (interjects) Nerrrd. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: And my stack has like 80 items on it. (Dick laughs) I don't even know where to begin right now.
Dick: I wish... (squeaking through giggles) I wish that you could have a shirt that said, like...I don't know, "DOS like a boss," (Maddox laughs) and on the back it was like, "My stack has 80 items on it." You are SUCH an effing nerd. (Maddox keeps laughing) Okay.
Maddox: So already -- like, the family...first of all, it started out with a kid who can't even talk.
Dick: So your...your processing stack is very high.
Maddox: VERY high. The kid can't even talk, it's already...
Dick: That's adorable, though.
Maddox: ...the video, the premise is terrible; that's 3 things.
Maddox: The kid is NOT adorable, he's annoying.
Maddox: He's got mush mouth, he can't speak. He shouldn't be on camera. (resumes video)
Dad: They are Christmas jammies.
Maddox: (pauses video) Oh great, real cute. Yeah, they are Christmas jammies. Their pretentious neighbor comes by, "Are those Christmas jammies?" (nasal voice)
Dick: Why does this upset you?
Maddox: Because it's insincere. It's fake.
Dick: So you think -
Maddox: (interjects) AND, and it's...it's, uh, show off-y. That's what it is. It's bragging.
Dick: Show off-y?
Maddox: That's what it is!
Dick: Okay. (amused)
Maddox: It's...it's "LOOK AT US!"
Dick: They're ramming their perfect family down your throat.
Maddox: Yes! YES.
Dick: That's what annoys you. And you're...meanwhile, you're livin' with a stranger.
Maddox: Yeah!! (laughs)
Dick: Who you didn't even pick! Who are THESE guys, comin' in with their jammies? (teasing)
Maddox: Who are these weirdos? Yeah, their JAMMIES. Oh, their perfect fuckin' matching jammies. GREAT.
Maddox: The perfect hot mom, and just listen to the...there's uh, there's just a few more seconds left. (resumes video)
Dad: Check it out, we just bought a Prius V!
Maddox: (pauses clip) Great, they bought a Prius V. AWESOME.
Maddox: Thanks for bragging! We care because why? Why are you telling us this? And, listen. (resumes clip)
Dad: And it matches these perfectly! (pointing to jammies in video)
Maddox: Ohh, perfectly! How perfectly it matches. (disdainful)
Dick: Oh man, I really hope my family does this for next Christmas. (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, great! Fine.
Maddox: More shit to burn.
Dick: Instead of...instead of "Family," can we title your problem, um, "Jealousy"?
Maddox: No, it's not jealousy!! It's -
Dick: (interjects) It seems a little bit like it's jealousy.
Maddox: Okay, maybe!
Dick: Okay. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah, I want a hot wife, sure! (Dick laughs) I want a hot wife and a fuckin' perfect family and a fuckin' perfect house.
Maddox: Great. And a Prius V...
Dick: Yeah. (still laughing)
Maddox: ...and fucking annoying-ass, ugly...ugly neighbors.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) But you'd have to change your attitude a little bit.
Dick: Probably. (grinning)
Maddox: My attitude is perfect.
Dick: No, I think your attitude is, uh, not conducive to the video that you just played and the song that just played.
Maddox: It's absolutely...I am, like, so angry I'm sweating right now. (Dick laughs hysterically)
Dick: That's what I think...can you imagine a perfect family centered around YOU? (Maddox laughs loudly) A guy who gets so angry at viral videos that he starts gushing sweat into his nerdy t-shirts?? (both laugh more)
Maddox: So...okay, the other question is, can you trust your family? Can you *ever* trust them?
Dick: Uh... (stammers) Yeah.
Maddox: Mmm, really? (skeptical)
Dick: To varying degrees.
Maddox: Okay, if your mom says, "Dick, you're uh, you're so handsome today!" LIES.
Dick: Awesome! Thanks.
Maddox: Absolutely lies. Nope! Lies.
Dick: Uhh, that's definitely true.
Maddox: ABSOLUTELY lies.
Dick: Are you calling my mom a liar? (Maddox laughs) I will KILL you. I will stab you with the...
Dick: I will... (cracks up)
Maddox: Your mom is so hot. (laughs more)
Dick: Oh. (exasperated) So, you can't trust your family to give you compliments?
Maddox: You can't...any compliment coming from your family is...you have to take with a grain of salt. They might be lying!
Dick: Oh, you are...
Maddox: 'Cause they're trying to build you up!
Dick: ...you are SO messed up.
Maddox: No!! That...it could be a lie! (Dick laughs) You can't trust them!
Dick: So who can you trust...who else can you trust, then?
Dick: Doesn't that go for everybody?
Maddox: No! You trust your critics! Your critics are your best friends.
Dick: So lemme get this straight: the only people...the only time you feel comfortable when you're talking to someone is when they're actively criticizing what you do.
Dick: That's what it sounds like.
Maddox: Okay. It -
Dick: (interjects) It sounds like the only people you trust are the ones who are shitting on you.
Maddox: I trust them if they're shitting on me...but not necessarily, 'cause some people could shit on you because they don't like you, or because they have an agenda, or they have some motive, or some ulterior motive or somethin' like that. You have to take it -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, like if you were the biggest problem in the universe, they would take that opportunity to...that would be the motive that you're talking about. Like if someone were to have a *problem*...
Dick: ...on a show...
Dick: ...and it was YOU.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: Yeah. That would be the motive.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, okay. If it's coming from an honest place. Like for example, there are people who don't like me and they don't like my style of humor. Great. I don't care about their opinions. However, there are people who DO like me -
Dick: (interjects) Well, there are also people who don't...who DO like your style of humor and just don't like YOU, to be fair.
Maddox: That's true! That's al-... (cracks up)
Dick: Okay. It's not always -- I'm saying it's not about the humor necessarily.
Maddox: Great. (baby laughing sound effect)
Dick: Maybe it's just you. (grinning)
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: You get a baby laugh. (baby laughing sound effect)
Dick: Thanks. (both laugh)
Maddox: So, uh...yeah, you can't trust your family. "They're always there for you." Are they always there for you? (skeptical)
Maddox: What if your...what if your parents are alcoholics?
Maddox: Mine aren't, but I'm just saying, what if they are? Or what if they have some problem? And should you love someone unconditionally? They're supposed to love you unconditionally, right?
Dick: Like, what is...what are you proposing, like, The Matrix? Is that how you think it should work?
Maddox: What -
Dick: (interjects) Where there's just a bunch of...you've seen The Matrix, right?
Maddox: Yeah, I've seen it.
Dick: Where there's just a bunch of babies in pods and they don't have any parents? Isn't that weird that they never had any parents in The Matrix?
Maddox: They...I guess, I -
Dick: (interjects) No they didn't, they were just printed out! They were grown!
Maddox: But from someone's DNA. That's...those are your parents. Your DNA -
Dick: (interjects) Randomized DNA. They were just like, cloned.
Maddox: Oh, okay. Yeah, that's pretty cool. That's what we should...yeah.
Dick: So how did they grow up in the Matrix? Like when they were kids, who was their parent?
Maddox: Well, they had those memories implanted in them.
Dick: When they were little babies in the pods...
Dick: ...like, and growing up...
Dick: ...who was...what were they doin'?
Maddox: They were just hang-...they were just bein', uh, fed and grown.
Dick: But what were they doin' in the Matrix?? Were they kids in the Matrix?
Maddox: Yeah yeah, in the Matrix!
Dick: Who were their parents in the Matrix?
Maddox: Uh, probably the same randomized -
Dick: (interjects) Other people?
Maddox: Yeah, other people, just randomized. That's essentially what we are right now!
Dick: I don't know, it's weird!
Maddox: You're just some random sperm floatin' around in your dad's dick, and then it finds your mom's, uh, ovaries!
Dick: I think you need an anatomy lesson. That's not where sperm floats around. (smiling)
Maddox: No, well, if... (cracks up) Well, uh, you are the expert! Um...so, you have...so you can't trust your family.
Maddox: Uh, 'cause they're...and they're always there for you, supposedly. But why is that a good thing? Like, what if...like, there are people...uh, you know, Osama bin Laden's son was interviewed -
Dick: Oh, here we go.
Maddox: - after he died... (cracks up)
Dick: Here we go. (grinning)
Maddox: He was -
Dick: (interjects) 9/11! That's...that's how you know this is a crappy argument.
Maddox: Always...no, this is a great argument.
Dick: Go ahead!
Maddox: So they interviewed him after 9/11, and they asked him...they said, "Do you know where your father is?" He said, "No."
Maddox: They said, "Would you turn him in if you knew where he was?"
Dick: No, of course not.
Maddox: Well, yeah, he actually hesitated! He actually disagreed with what his father did. He thought -
Dick: (interjects) Well, yeah, 'cause he didn't wanna look like a jerk. That's why he hesitated. He's like, "Uh, do I wanna tell the truth on TV where I look like a jerk, or do I just wanna lie and get this over with?"
Maddox: No, he actually did tell the truth. He said...he said -
Dick: (interjects) Well...
Maddox: He said -
Dick: (interjects) Here we go. (mocking)
Maddox: No! Here's -
Dick: (interjects) So your family always lies to you, but Osama bin Laden's son ALWAYS tells the truth. (Maddox laughs) What did he say?
Maddox: You don't know him!! I don't know him. Okay, so he said, "What my father did is terrible, but I still would not turn him in. Because he's my father."
Dick: I know I've been on TV! (chuckles) It is pretty easy to lie on TV.
Maddox: Ohh. Oh yeah? Is it? (smiles)
Maddox: Well, no, he...that's what he said! He said, "I know what my father did is terrible, but I still wouldn't turn him in because he's my father."
Dick: Sure. Yeah.
Maddox: So that's...I feel like that's an honest answer. He's being...he's like, looking at both sides of things.
Maddox: So, if your son or daughter -
Dick: (interjects) I bet he felt so good about that answer. He's like, "Oh man, I really answered it honestly there."
Maddox: I don't even -
Dick: (interjects) "I was really...I was really put to the crucible, and I answered...I gave my honest..." (Maddox chuckles) Such a joke.
Maddox: "Put to the crucible." (amused)
Dick: Yeah, it's just...people are so happy about..."Oh, I really had integrity with that answer. Uhhh." (stupid voice)
Maddox: (laughing) Nobody said this! This isn't -
Dick: (interjects) Everybody thinks that.
Maddox: You're conjuring!
Maddox: I mean, *I* think that. I love to pat myself on the back.
Dick: Yeah. Everybody does. (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: Uh...it's -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, they do when they take a stand for themselves. (sneering)
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, that's...
Maddox: ...that reminds me of a problem. (under his breath) Okay. So...so um, families kinda stick out for each other, right or wrong, which is WRONG. (Dick scoffs) What if your son or daughter was a ped-...what if you had a son or daughter and they were a pedophile? Would you...would you turn them in?
Dick: They were a pedophile as a kid?
Maddox: No, they grew up to be pedophiles. (annoyed) (Dick giggles) You can't be a pedophile as a kid. You'd just be a weirdo. It'd be like, "Oh, here comes that weird kid..." (cracks up) "...molesting other kids."
Dick: Other kids, yeah!
Maddox: That's just weird. That's weird.
Dick: That IS weird!
Maddox: I mean, it's a problem -
Dick: (interjects) Do you think they are when they're kids?
Maddox: No, they can't be pedophiles! If you're a kid attracted to another kid, that's normal.
Dick: Do you think they still smile like that? Like your "pedosmile"?
Maddox: The pedosmile? I...no. I don't think so. The pedosmile is kind of like a creepy type of, uh...
Dick: I know, but a kid could smile like that. Can't they?
Maddox: Maybe, but the intent is different. The intent is...'cause I've been attracted to little girls when I was... (cracks up) ...I was a little boy.
Dick: Wait... (apprehensively) Oookay.
Maddox: Yeah. When I was a little boy I was attracted to little girls.
Dick: Man, isn't that weird?
Dick: Like, that you can be...whatever, like 12 years old?
Dick: And you can totally find a 12-year-old girl attractive.
Dick: And you remem-...you can think about it years later and you don't even remember what she looks like, and you're like, "Man, I don't know. For some reason I was just attracted to that girl!"
Maddox: She -
Dick: (interjects) Isn't that weird?? And you...it's like you know that they're your own age, and...
Maddox: You know, and that's...and I think back too, 'cause I remember kids, like little girls I used to have a crush on as a little boy...
Maddox: ...and I think, "Oh yeah, they were really hot." And then -- but I don't think of them as children anymore! I don't think of them...I don't even think of them as children.
Maddox: Like, I think of them as their...like, whatever their grown-up -
Dick: (interjects) An equal.
Maddox: Yeah. Then I look 'em up on Facebook and they have...they're fat and they have like 4 kids.
Maddox: So, there's that.
Dick: And then you go write an angry rant about it. (smiles)
Maddox: Then they cry and I lose my boner.
Dick: Um...yeah, alright. Your family thing's WEIRD, man. It's very personal.
Maddox: Wait, you didn't answer the question!
Dick: It's not...what?
Maddox: Should you love someone unconditionally? If your son or daughter grew up and became a -
Dick: (interjects) Dude, I feel...I feel like I'm talking to a chick right now. Like, "Should you love someone unconditionally?" What in the EFF are you talking about?
Maddox: That's what families do!
Dick: What the...no, they -
Maddox: (interjects) Do you think that's a problem? You don't think that's a problem? (incredulous)
Dick: They definitely don't. (chuckling)
Maddox: They...well, a lot of 'em do! That's what...that's the virtue of a family!
Maddox: You're supposed to love someone unconditionally.
Dick: Do I think they *should*? Is that the question?
Dick: They do.
Maddox: They do!
Maddox: So that's a problem!
Dick: Why is it a problem?
Maddox: Because it shields pedophiles. (laughs) Done. QED. Argument made.
Dick: Okay, so...
Dick: ...we finally got to your problem.
Dick: Which is specifically, "families shield pedophiles."
Maddox: Families shield pedophiles. (cracking up)
Dick: The family unit, as has evolved for millions of years...
Dick: ...is designed to shield pedophiles. (slowly; incredulous)
Maddox: To shield pedophiles. AND, the world's number one terrorist. We have a quote -
Dick: (interjects) Well, we don't know. He said he didn't know.
Maddox: He said he didn't know, but he said if he DID...even if he did, he wouldn't.
Dick: I don't know where my dad is all the time! (Maddox stammers) (laughs)
Maddox: Well, that's diff-...okay. (annoyed) What...fine!
Dick: Maybe...you know, maybe he threw 'em off track! I don't know.
Maddox: Sure, but if someone... (stammers) It's shielding the number one terrorist in the world, it's shielding pedophiles, it's shielding criminals. And we see it on the news all the time. People, uh -
Dick: (interjects) I really...like, when did you become Internet Batman? (Maddox laughs) That you're so worried about all this crime's taking place. Who gives a crap?
Maddox: Since always. That's what Maddox does. That's what I do.
Dick: Well, he's like a crappy nerd Zorro? That's what Maddox does? (Maddox laughs) I don't think so. (grinning)
Maddox: Crappy nerd Zorro! (giggling) Oh man, just one more on that stack. It's like 84 high now.
Dick: I didn't... (laughs) Um, I'm feeling a bunch of...I'm thinking a bunch of people are gonna be inspired by this anti-family rant to write a bunch of unfunny Internet rants!
Maddox: Yeah, potentially.
Dick: So that makes YOU the biggest problem.
Maddox: (talking over Dick) And are you digging on my inspiration article? Is that, is that...you're takin' a dig at my inspiration article.
Dick: No, I'm not! I'm not. I'm digging, um...I'm taking a dig at myself if anything, because YOU, you have...like, I would...you remember when Beavis and Butt-head got shut down because they were doing...they were lighting stuff on fire, then that kid burned his trailer down?
Maddox: No, that...
Dick: You remember that?
Maddox: No, vaguely. (stammers) Let's recount that. What happened?
Dick: Uh, that's the entirety of the story.
Maddox: Alright. (chuckling)
Dick: And then Beavis and Butt-head had to put that stupid disclaimer up. And everyone was always saying that, you know, emulation...well, I was always saying like, the argument that kids are gonna see things and emulate it is, uh, stupid.
Maddox: I mean, they do.
Dick: Because I wanted Beavis and Butt-head, that's why.
Dick: That's the real reason.
Maddox: So, okay. Conflict of interest.
Dick: But they obviously do, and you -- my biggest problem -- you influencing all these people to do what you do, to try to do what you do, makes me question my values and I hate doing that. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Well, okay, yeah. Potentially I could inspire some idiots to write some unfunny, shitty rants. And that happens! That's actually happened several times.
Maddox: There's uh, there have been all sorts of knockoffs of my website and that sort of thing. But that's like saying that somebody enjoying a beverage in a bar or restaurant, like a beer, is inspiring alcoholics.
Dick: Yeah, but -- no, it's...it's worse than that. It's worse than that. Here's why my problem is worse than that: because YOU...I think you are like, the first horseman of the idiocracy. Where the...
Dick: ...the angry communication is now, like, standard. And it's like, "Okay! Well, first...first everybody's pissed off all the time..."
Maddox: I guess. (skeptical)
Dick: "...and ranting all the time..."
Maddox: That's different, man.
Dick: "...and using hyperbole ALL the time."
Maddox: Yeah, that does -
Dick: (interjects) That's like, step number one!
Maddox: That does annoy me. That does absolutely annoy me. Um...but it's different. It's different. Like, the...I feel like people have become these...there's this expression that floats around on the Internet of "Social Justice Warriors"? You've heard of this before?
Dick: I've NEVER heard of this expression on the Internet.
Maddox: Oh. Oh yeah, it's fantastic. They're, they're -
Dick: (interjects) Is it people who post on Facebook and 'like' things?
Dick: Like, to make a difference?
Maddox: Uh, that's part of it.
Maddox: But essentially it's...it's somebody who, uh, does a moral crusade for some kind of cause, like...for example, the rape culture, and -
Dick: Whoa! Okay.
Maddox: - that becomes -- yeah, and they talk about how every...almost everything contributes to this rape culture, which is damaging to rape victims because essentially you're saying...you're taking culpability away from the RAPIST, and blaming it and shifting it onto society! RAINN, the anti-rape network, has actually even come out *against* this concept of "rape culture."
Maddox: But there are these Social Justice Warriors who go around on forums and they...they sign petitions and they shut down Facebook websites -
Dick: (interjects) Can...can I interrupt you for one second? (sheepishly)
Dick: 'Cause I just...I'm just, I'm thinking of your family problem... (Maddox snickers) ...and I'm imagining you with a kid.
Dick: Who's like a...you know, like the KID...what if he's, like, really normal? And he's like, "God, I wish I coulda just picked...I got this stranger, this effing weirdo, who raises me for no reason." (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: "Always ranting about a rape culture, and..." (Maddox laughs harder) "God knows...an organization I've NEVER even heard of, I'll never hear of again." This poor little kid has gotta sit with this guy... (cracking up) I'm just picturing your perfect family.
Maddox: And I empathize and sympathize with my...
Dick: With your own son.
Maddox: ...with my own son.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: I'd be like, "Look, I'm sorry, man! This is your luck of the draw." (Dick laughs more) "If you want...if you find a better family, I'll give you my blessings. Go live with them."
Maddox: And I would have to vet the family. I would have to make sure it's a good family, not full of pedos.
Dick: What gives you the right?
Maddox: Your son or daughter.
Dick: What gives you the right? How dare you. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Well, you would shield...who you would shield if they were pedophiles.
Dick: I don't know! That's a...eugh, man.
Maddox: That's a tough one, right?
Dick: Well, because first you have to deal with the...I mean, first you have to look at the fact that like, you created a pedophile?
Dick: And it seems like they're...it seems like they show up in cases of like, massive sexual abuse as a kid.
Dick: Well, I...yeah.
Dick: I mean, I wouldn't do THAT, so it's hard to then imagine a child growing up as a pedophile that you're responsible for.
Maddox: Fine. I mean, pedophilia's such a heinous crime.
Maddox: What about other...other crimes? Like drunk driving. Your son kills somebody -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, I don't, I don't...uhh...
Maddox: Yeah, you'd be fine with that.
Dick: I wouldn't be FINE with it!
Maddox: You'd shield them?
Dick: It's like...oh, of course, yeah!
Maddox: Okay! Well, there...there's the facts.
Dick: A child?! A CHILD of mine??
Maddox: No, not a chi-...okay, he's 16 years old, he just got his license. Like that, uh, rich kid who was suffering from "affluenza." He killed someone drunk driving -
Maddox: - and his parents bailed him out, the judge gave him a slap on the wrist.
Dick: What are you gonna do, send your own kid to JAIL?
Dick: Is that what you're gonna do?
Maddox: Therein lies -
Dick: (interjects) Are you an idiot?
Maddox: And that's the problem with families.
Dick: Oh, what I just expressed? (derisively)
Dick: Okay! So... (both laugh) That's parenting advice from two single IDIOTS (Maddox bursts out laughing) who are about the same age. One was raised, uh, in a PERFECT family and the other, I'm not...I don't know, I'm not gonna comment. But that's where we've arrived at: me not sending my child to an ass-rape penitentiary, and you saying, "You know what, Government? I just don't know what to do anymore. Take him, do whatever you want."
Maddox: Yeah, I guess. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: I mean, when you put it that way.
Dick: ...you are the biggest problem in the universe. (grinning)
Maddox: No, absolutely not. Uh...
Maddox: So as for the biggest problem in the universe, we should probably be wrapping up here. Make sure to go to the website,http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. Uh, that's http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. It's a mouthful, but we have all these problems on the website for you to vote.
Dick: It's a mouthful but we're too cheap to buy a shorter domain.
Maddox: Yeah, a shorter dom-...they're all gone, thanks to you idiots.
Dick: Okay, and the problems were...Maddox, is the biggest problem in the universe, um...or Guys Asking Questions About Little Dogs, which is...dude, now that I look at it, I don't know. That's... (stammers)
Dick: Imagine a future...like, im-...can you imagine your dad looking at what you're doing with the same jacket? Peacocking and hitting on another guy in a bar?
Maddox: (annoyed) It's not peacocking, it's just a cool fuckin' jack-...I can't help that my jacket draws people to me!
Dick: And then you like, run over and *hug* each other, like...?
Maddox: We didn't HUG, we high-fived!
Dick: It's like a romantic, like uh...
Maddox: It is NOT!!
Dick: What is that movie with Brad Pitt?
Maddox: You tell me. This is a trap.
Dick: I don't know!
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: Yeah, I don't know. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know either.
Dick: I don't know either!
Maddox: I don't know any movies with Brad Pitt.
Dick: Hm! Alright.
Maddox: I've never, I...Brad who?
Dick: I know Fight Club!
Maddox: Yeah, alright.
(talking over each other)
Dick: That's one...that's one manly Brad Pitt movie!
Maddox: That's one. I do know, I do know...
Dick: Do you know...let's hear it!
Maddox: I do know Fight Club. (Dick laughs) That's it! That's the ONLY manly movie he's ever been in. I don't know any other movies he's been in.
Dick: He was in Snatch.
Maddox: (booing sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: Alright. Exactly what I said, not payin' attention, lookin' at your stupid sounds. Okay, what...and what are your problems?
Maddox: My problem, uh...number one problem was Crying.
Maddox: It kills libidos; end of the human race. 'Cause we can't -
Dick: (interjects) Ah, we shoulda talked more about that one instead of weird family stuff.
Maddox: Yeah... (hesitantly) Well, yeah. You blew it. 'Cause you're -
Dick: (interjects) No, your family was WEIRD, dude!
Dick: That's a WEIRD...like, families in gene-...? It took so long to get to the actual problem, which is "families protect pedophiles"? (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah, and terrorists.
Dick: Yeah, who...I mean, who's a terrorist?
Maddox: Osama bin Laden's a terrorist.
Dick: Okay. (reluctantly)
Maddox: Like, he is THE de facto terrorist.
Maddox: The number one terrorist. WAS, I guess.
Dick: Alright, if that's what they say. (muttering)
Maddox: Yeah, so we can't protect them. So yeah, the family thing -- I feel like the reason it's so confusing and weird and abstract to you is because I have just...enlightened you. (Dick scoffs and laughs) I feel like this is -
Dick: (interjects) False!! (giggles more)
Maddox: This is, this...no, it's absolutely true! This is...this is a new mode of thought! This is -- we're getting somewhere! I'm moving humanity forward.
Dick: No, it's like...it's like I'm seeing...it's like I'm seeing a train wreck.
Dick: But it's not trains; it's a vehicle -- I can't figure out what the vehicles were before the wreck. I'm like, "This has gotta be a train wreck, but there's, like...there's half of a BOAT stickin' out of it..."
Maddox: Yeah. (flatly)
Dick: "...and there's, like..." You know? There's, um...hot dogs all over the place? I'm like, "What ha-...?! What happened here?" That's me trying to look at what you're saying. Like, your idea. Your idea is this impossible...it's like a Gordian train wreck. That's what I'm saying. Do you know what a Gordian knot is?
Dick: A Gordian knot is a myth, like a...whatever, a Greek myth? But it's a knot that's so complex, it couldn't be -
Maddox: (interjects) It couldn't be untied?
Dick: So some dude came along and just chopped it up with a...with a sword. He was like, "There you go! I untied it."
Maddox: (stammers) Okay.
Dick: Cool! Yeah.
Maddox: So, that is EXACTLY what this analogy's like. Perfect.
Dick: Gordian train wreck. Yeah.
Maddox: Gordian train wreck, yeah. (smiles)
Dick: That's you.
Maddox: There we go. An untieable...except with a sword. Perfect analogy!
Dick: What...oh yeah, okay. So Crying and Families.
Maddox: Crying and Families, and then we had, uh, People...I guess, Guys A-...Hitting on You?
Dick: No, I already said mine.
Maddox: Yeah? Great!
Dick: I don't need you to...I don't want you to put a color on mine.
Maddox: Yeah, they're...oh, there's already plenty of color on it.
Dick: You need color commentary on it.
Dick: Alright! That's the end of this episode. (closing riff starts)
Maddox: Thanks for listening! Tune in next time, and uh, and vote on these! We're gonna talk about which ones you guys voted. This is very important.
Dick: This has been Maddox and Dick Masterson. Thanks for listening. (grinning)
Maddox: Thanks, guys.